Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling

Chapter 13:

Hourglass

Sun-baked beads of broken bone and shell trickled between Harry's fingers. There wasn't much for it but to grip a handful of sand and let it fall away through his grasp, over and over again. On the blanket beside his, Hermione lay beneath the sunlight a beauty he couldn't touch or see. As badly as he wanted to bring the winds to life about her to caress every inch of Hermione's flesh, he resisted. Now wasn't the time to indulge, now wasn't the time to practice. Never mind the presence of others on the beach, but after everything they'd dug up from their emotions, it wouldn't be right. He had to deny himself this joy. So he lay back, broken eyes facing skyward as his hand rested atop the sand, gripping and sifting over and over to distract from his desire. To distract from his love and pain and confusion, he moved the sand beside his blanket, a pile that never grew nor shrank.

**GITLOH**

There had never been a proper way for Hermione Granger to display her anger. She knew it was a matter of experience and emotional education, but her thoughts were so based on logic either present or imagined that it was difficult to see the human way through a difficulty. That anger, so righteous and logically justified was frequently hurled in Ronald's direction for his absurd statements and childish presumptions. Something felt right about that, dominating an opponent on a battlefield of verbal exchange even as it struck her as unfair. Emotions were not Hermione's strongpoint. Once she felt something, she clung to it because once an emotion was generated it was entirely reasoned for being there; so why should she fight against it.

In this case however she was in combat with herself. Moments ago Harry had demonstrated the depth of his love for her in a magical display that rivaled any romantic proposition and as a result she wanted to flay him for embarrassing her. So much of her gloried in the knowledge that his feelings for her were just as strong as her own were for him, but she just couldn't ignore what he had done. Not only was this difficult to comprehend in her own mind, but now she had to relay this to her boyfriend in a way he might understand. They'd never really had a fight like she and Ronald would have, it just didn't happen the same. She and Harry might get upset but it was usually because they knew the other was equally right and couldn't allow themselves to let go of one another's opinions never mind their own. As such there were many better ways to address this situation than an argument; after all they hadn't even spoken about it yet, but something told Hermione that her feelings, however muddled, had to be relayed forcibly. Harry had to understand what had just happened.

Casting a few privacy spells about her room so their confrontation wouldn't disrupt the adults, Hermione stepped right up to Harry, unsure if she wanted to kiss or slap him for the mix of emotions within her. He looked very uncomfortable, as if he wanted to run in the opposite direction. She couldn't blame him, Hermione wanted to do the same herself.

How the hell was she supposed to help him understand?

"I love you, but sometimes you're a daft git you know that?"

Yes, very good, he'd have no trouble understanding what she meant from that.

"Look, I'm sorry. I know I did something that made you angry down there, I felt it, but I don't get what."

And there arose the other issue, the one that further divided everything Hermione was already torn about.

"First of all, how about letting me tell you how I'm feeling rather than reading everything I feel and guessing."

"What?"

"Maybe I'd like a little emotional privacy here? Do you have any idea how manipulative that feels, having someone know exactly what you're feeling even as you do? I don't even get to say what's wrong before you know I'm hacked off. Could you give me a bloody minute to think before trying to inspect me?"

Harry stepped back. This wasn't at all where Hermione had wanted this to go, but she could see her words hitting home and backing down now wouldn't really work, she had to solve this too.

"Hermione, I can't exactly control this…"

"Well try then!"

"Do you have any idea what you're asking me to do?"

"You're going to have to tell me since I don't have your emotional radar to spy on other peoples' feelings."

He flinched, face scrunched up in hurt and his own quickly rising anger. "I've just lost my bloody vision, gained this incredible way to interact with the world again, and now you're telling me to shut it off?"

"That's not…"

"You're the bloody sun to me Hermione! Everything else is just, void, there's nothing even there. Then I started feeling you and since I can't see your facial expressions, I get to sense how you feel. Sorry if you think it's spying but I don't really have a choice!"

"I just want a little privacy dammit!"

"Well maybe I want my sight back!"

It was Hermione's turn to retreat a step. She didn't know what to say. It felt like Harry had doused half her anger with a bucket of water and as if everything she felt was unjustified. She'd done something wrong in making him feel this way and now she was even more confused. Maybe everything she had been feeling was just her being emotionally stunted, maybe she was just an angry child.

Deflated, she dropped her head and moved to the bed, sitting on the edge of the mattress like she used to whenever she'd done something wrong as a kid.

Harry huffed out a breath and spoke a little softer though his own hurt soaked through his words. "You're still mad about something else."

"I know." She sounded pathetic even to her own ears.

"Could you at least tell me what it is?"

"Can't you read my emotions or something? Why waste my breath." She was snapping now, petulant and rude. Petulant, rude, and very much the picture of someone with a high emotional quotient.

"Dammit, you know I can't."

This never happened when she argued with Ronald. They were both hurt now and it wasn't clear who was wrong.

"It made me feel gross."

"What did?"

"The patronus."

"Oh. How?"

"I don't know."

"How can you not… Look, I don't know how to do this Hermione. I don't like arguing with you."

"And you think I'm any better at it? And I can't help that sometimes you need important points drilled in to your head like that. You just do things and don't think about how it might effect someone else."

"Oh yeah?" he snapped, "Well if I'm such an ass, maybe you could tell me what I did wrong!"

"Don't you think I would if I understood myself?"

"You're the one who put up the privacy charms like you wanted to fight about something. Shouldn't you know what the hell you're going to chew someone out for before you start?"

"Dammit, it isn't as if I know how to tell if I'm right or not!"

"Then that's why we talk as opposed to cornering our boyfriends and yelling at them for being happy about sensing your emotions. That's why we talk as opposed to making them feel like it's their fault they went blind when it only happened because some old lady buggered up a potion so we could get together. Yeah, good job Hermione."

Hermione buried her face in her hands. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. She was supposed to be right about how hurt she felt. Now she had no clue how to even get this argument back on track.

"Harry, that's not what I bloody meant and you know that."

"I thought I did."

One of her fists struck the mattress. "Why am I always the wrong one with you?"

"What?"

"Every time I feel angry about something you've done, it always happens that I was the wrong one. Hermione was overreacting. Hermione felt something she shouldn't have. Hermione made someone else feel bad because she couldn't express herself like a normal person. Well I'm sorry for not being good with emotions Harry, you're the first person who made me feel something outside of the usual crap and you know the worst part? I like being wrong with you! As much as I can't stand it, part of me likes it when you're right and I'm wrong! Part of me, some stupid and sick, shitty part of me wants you to be right. After all, Hermione's good with books but she's pants with feelings; maybe Hermione needs to learn something about feelings eh? Maybe Hermione would rather be wrong and learn something than feel good about being right. God forbid she actually be right, no, just let her be bloody wrong so she can roll over like some emotionally stunted animal!"

His next words took some time to come, and when they did Harry sounded incredibly uncomfortable. "Is, is it some submissive thing or something?"

"I don't bloody well know you fucking bastard! You'd like that wouldn't you?"

"Not if it meant you felt bad."

She jumped, blinking up at Harry standing over her. When had he moved, and his voice, it wasn't angry like it should be. She couldn't see him well through the blur of tears but she felt him take her hands, face angled downward. "This isn't us Hermione."

The tide broke, swelling past her anger, past the feelings she hadn't been able to put to words for so long, feelings she hadn't known were truly there. The tide ripped past everything she was using to ground herself in opposition to him and laid her low. Hermione collapsed forward, bending down to press her stomach to her thighs, anything to be closer to him. Harry's arms slid around her and the warmth of his body embraced her as she let the maelstrom of righteous confusion overtake her conscious control.

"I know."

**GITLOH**

To dance in the ceaseless waves beside Hermione was freedom. To laugh and splash and dive and play was joy. Regardless of their confusion, regardless of their forced distance, regardless of their upset, he could still trust her. As lost as Harry felt amidst the ocean waves, Hermione remained by his side. She remained his anchor, never treating him less for her hurt, never letting him feel estranged for his own need for distance. It was a comfort, a love he couldn't see as anything other than what it was, unceasing. He didn't have to worry that she'd let him get hurt or lost just because they'd had a fight. He didn't have to worry that she would treat his blindness with anything less than the understanding she always had just because they were confused. He loved her more than he could say for that. For the beauty of her laughter amongst the rolling waves; for the desire he held back of pressing the air about her flesh to feel every movement of her muscles; for the restrained viewing he allowed himself of her emotions, he loved her. Hermione was regardless of all else, his beloved.

**GITLOH**

Minutes slid by as they held one another in the confusion of the dispute. Hermione clearly couldn't even argue properly with Harry, needing his touch to make her feel better, just another surrender to him she couldn't control. Even as Harry withdrew from the embrace, haltingly as if he were unsure whether or not it was the right thing to do, she still wanted to hold him. Harry stepped back, hands twisting together in nervousness. He lowered himself to the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest and facing her with those impossibly green eyes. Her body yearned to touch him even as her thoughts rejoiced in the break from contact so she could gather herself.

"Is, is this better?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I just though that, well, if I'm down here you might not feel like you need to be wrong or something. I don't…" Harry's hands clenched and unclenched together in front of his legs.

"I, it isn't that kind of thing I don't think Harry. But maybe? Just for now it might help."

"Okay."

"I don't really know where that came from."

Harry shrugged. "It's alright. We don't fight that often."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, it's okay. We'll figure it out I guess. Could you tell me what happened downstairs though?"

"In a way Hermione wanted to show him that he didn't have to feel bad about his blindness, to correct that grave error she hadn't intended to make. It seemed for now though that he preferred to avoid it if his facial expression was anything to go by.

"Well, I don't really know. your patronus felt amazing, you know I've wanted to know how you feel about me like you can. And it was sweet of you to share it with my parents, but I guess I didn't realize that we'd feel, everything."

"What do you mean?"

"You kind of showed everyone how you feel about me, sexually too you know." He blushed. "I, I'm flattered, but it also made me feel, I don't know, exposed?"

"Yeah, I can see that. I didn't mean to."

"It just, I know mum and dad have talked to us about that, but it's another thing for them to know exactly how you feel about me. And Carrol too?"

"Yeah, I guess I just wanted everyone to know how much you mean to me. I'm sorry Hermione, I really didn't think about it."

"It's okay, just really try to be careful in the future okay?"

"Yeah, I will. You're right though, I don't always think about things before I do them."

"I don't either."

"Maybe, but my mistakes are usually a bit more catastrophic than yours. I'll try to think more, i promise." Harry ducked his head, more color coming to his cheeks. "Did, bloody hell I don't know how to ask that. I guess it's really selfish, but did you like it otherwise? Bugger."

Warmth built inside her, the urge to touch him again triggered beneath her flesh. "I did. It, it was wonderful Harry. I didn't realize that's what you feel all the time. I'm really…"

He held up a hand. "I know you are, but I don't think i can talk about that right now."

"Oh, okay."

"Can, can we talk about the other thing?"

It was Hermione's turn to feel her cheeks burning. "I don't really understand it myself Harry."

"I don't really want you to feel like you have to be wrong or anything."

"It isn't like that."

"Can you try to explain it?"

"I basically already did, as much as I understand it anyway. I know i have a thing for learning, I just didn't realize it worked like that."

"You're not that bad with feelings you know."

Hermione snorted. "Right. Harry, I'm as new to emotions as professor Snape is to treating you properly."

He smiled. "I wouldn't say that Hermione, I'm pretty sure he's never even considered trying that."

"I just, I mean that I know I'm learning but it's all so confusing. I feel like I'm so much better at school and magic than I am at knowing how I feel about things."

"Really?"

"I know I love you, but beyond that everything's so, rigid. Is it supposed to be like that?"

He shrugged again. "I don't really know. You know I'm not much better than that. Everything's all confusing and mixed together."

"That's one way we're different at least."

"Hmm?"

"I'm so black and white and you're the one who deals with all these moral dilemmas."

"Ha, as if. Usually it's pretty simple. Voldy wants me dead so I fight him. Doesn't get much more black and white than that."

"Maybe, but it just seems like you can change how you feel about things while I get stuck in one thing."

"Like S.P.E.W.?"

Hermione frowned. "Watch it Potter."

"It's kind of what you mean though right?"

"In principal, yes."

"I suppose I get that. It's one of the things that I like about you though. You don't give up on what you feel is right."

"Sometimes I'm wrong."

"We all are."

She sighed. "See, you're right again and I can't help but be glad for it."

"Um, anything I can do to help with that?"

"I don't know really."

"Well, I'm also wrong a lot, so maybe that will help?"

"Maybe. I probably need a therapist."

Harry didn't have a response. After a moment of quiet, Hermione slid off the edge of the bed and knelt in front of him. "I love you Harry, you're right, we shouldn't fight like that and I know I said stupid things."

"We both did. I love you too."

"Can, can I kiss you?"

"I, I don't think so. I just, I'm trying not to read you right now and doing that just makes it so hard to control. And I really hurt right now too, I know you do too." Harry reached toward her and Hermione slipped her hand in to his. "Could we just stick with this for now until I figure this out?"

Her heart was breaking. Yes she wanted this, but was lack of contact the result? It felt like their relationship was taking a nose dive. She really was wrong about this wasn't she?

"I, okay. I'm so…"

"Hermione, I'm only doing it to try and respect how you feel okay? I want to respect your privacy, you're right about that. I don't want this either but if I'm going to work on this then I need to do what I can to help it."

"Okay."

He squeezed her hand. "I love you."

"I, I love you too."

Why did loving have to hurt so much? Had that whole thing actually gotten them anywhere or did it just make everything worse?

"Um, so I'm going to go down and apologize to them for all that, do, do you want to come with me?" said Harry.

Choking back a sob, Hermione nodded, belatedly verbalizing her assent a few seconds later. Harry stood, helping her rise with him. He fidgeted then pulled her in to an embrace.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry I made you feel, like that down there."

"I'm alright now."

"I love you so much Hermione."

"Oh Harry, I love you too."

She dismantled the spells, regret flooding through her as much as her magic, and walked with Harry downstairs. They rejoined the adults, Harry awkwardly apologizing to Hermione as much as Carrol and their parents for his actions. The remainder of the discussion was consumed with Carrol's questions about magic and ultimately how it would affect their work going forward. They slipped in to planning and lesson structures, allowing Hermione to let go of her feelings for a short time and focus on Harry's needs. They didn't have long before their return to Hogwarts, something Harry admitted having plenty of concerns about. There was a lot to do in such a short time and now they had to work through it after having a real fight for the first time as friends and as romantic partners. Knowing how they felt about one another was perhaps the only adhesive that kept the two from parting in agony. Hermione couldn't let herself forget about that potential. They would work it out eventually, with any luck before the strength of their relationship was truly tested.

**GITLOH**

"Hermione, what if I can't stop him?"

Sand shifted beneath Harry's feet as he walked alongside Hermione down the length of the beach. Salt and sand dried upon his skin and the sun, as pathetic as it was compared to Hermione's emotional presence, was just enough to help Harry focus on something other than exactly what her emotional state was at the moment.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Us. What happens to us if I can't stop him? I always figured I'd either win or die, but with the prophecy now i just don't know."

"We'll keep doing what we always do."

"And that is?"

"Being in love you dolt."

A smile turned his lips upward. "I just, would you still want to marry me when we're old enough if I can't stop him?"

Hermione squeezed his hand, tugging Harry to a stop. "You realize that I don't love you because you can stop him right?"

"Yeah but still."

"Yeah but still, I love you for you Harry Potter. We're going to figure us out and one day we're going to get married. And if you can't stop him with my help then we'll just run away and live happily ever after somewhere else."

"Happily ever after huh?"

"Yes, after all I am your princess."

"Too true." They continued walking again, Harry turning thoughts over as he tried to make sense of what he was feeling.

"I don't like when we hurt each other." he managed.

"Neither do I."

"We're not, being too harsh to each other are we? I mean, I love you either way and I know we'll figure our stuff out. I just don't want to be mistreating you or anything."

"Oh Harry, you're not. We both said stuff we didn't mean, but we need to figure these things out eventually. We'll be better next time."

"I'll really try to think about stuff first."

"And I'll try to be careful with what I say too. I don't like it when we're like this either, but at least I know I love you."

"Yeah, we do have that." said Harry.

For the first time Harry thought he understood what it was like to be comfortable in their imperfections. He might just be learning what love was like after all. After all this time being friends with Hermione he'd better be figuring it out. If he couldn't figure out love how was he supposed to cope with his newfound abilities, with his new blindness, with his prophesied future. Enough concerns to fill his hand with a trickling pile of sand.

**GITLOH**

Author's Note:

As love deepens, so too do the hurts we amass. We grow and heal and build the armor and the stronghold in which we flourish alone and together. As such, this chapter may cause upset as to how I handled the conflict. They will heal and be better, but they are young and if we believe that we can improve without a little pain here and there then we only delude ourselves. There is just as much beauty in healing together as there is in loving together. From here on there will be a lot more emotional conflict as events cause new tears in the armor. As many times as I had to rewrite this chapter, I had to come to several strong realizations about how this was going to work. I am ultimately satisfied with the progress they will make and have made as a result. I hope you are as well. Pain is difficult for me to write, one of the areas I need to grow in written expression.

Delay does not equate to abandonment for my stories. I am improving upon my original works and so my fics will hopefully benefit in a similar fashion. What that does mean however is that my publishing is going to change from here on out and so I hope you'll stick with me as we join Harry and Hermione in their strengthening bond.

Elise