I do not own Eric or Pam or anyone but my own peeps. Enjoy and leave me your thoughts.

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The tour bus was a distraction for Carli, being in the music business herself. She found being with the band comforting when she was with them, but the times when she was alone it would hit her. She missed Eric. She still loved Ryan somehow, but she craved what Eric had given her. She dreamt of him often at night, and was thankful that she mostly slept alone. They were small and it was hard for two people to squeeze into one. She would wake up and calm herself back down afterwards quietly, and often times with tears in her eyes. She watched all of the remaining shows and hung out with the openers as she did, feigning smiles and happiness. She was an officially engaged girl and needed to act the part. She was back in Chicago before she knew it, and Ryan hit the road again for the remaining two weeks of the tour. She met with her own band to plan the Warped Tout, and work out the album release. She was happy and hopeful during those times, but felt alone all over again at night. She had made her choice and had to live with it, and everything in her professional life was on track. She was excited about the upcoming tour and album, and she had been writing a lot of songs for an EP they were considering working on before the tour in six months. It was a short six songs and she had certainly been full of emotion to work on them. She came home to find Ryan in the kitchen cooking, and she smiled and hugged him. He finished the Chicken Marsala and poured some wine and they ate together as they discussed their respective tours. He was excited for her and always the supporter. He always had been even when Linger was just starting out as a band. He always pushed her and the guys, and she smiled as she gazed at him across the pub table. There was a logic to her leaving New York, but it still hurt her a lot. Ryan was eager to make love that night, and she did it with an obligatory vigor since it had been New York with Eric since she had last had sex. It was not what she had there, and it never would be, but Ryan loved her. He always would. She snuggled against his warm chest after they were finished, and let him stroke her hair.

Carli fell into a routine of numbness with Ryan home, waiting for the day that she would wake up and stop longing. She spent a lot of time with her own band as well as him, and continued to write out her feelings. It had always been a comfort for her to do so, and it always seemed to make things seem not as bad. There were many nights out at dinners and gigs that her band did for practice, and she was suddenly very busy with her seemingly full life. Some days New York seemed very far away, and others she thought about it more than she did her own city. There had been no contact from Eric, and she wanted to assume that he was happy. She didn't like the idea of him with someone else, but that was an absurd envy that made no sense to her. She would always brush it off and move on to the next activity, and try to feel good about Ryan and what they had. It was always in the back of her head though, and she continued to wait for it to go away. She and the guys pinned down the songs for the EP, and it only took a couple of days in a local studio to put together. Their album was being released a month before the tour, and the EP would be released the final week of it. Carli had chosen some of the new songs, and she felt the looks that she got from the guys. They were mostly curious, since she had gone a bit more emotional, but they were very pleased with the different sound. It seemed as though it would go over well.

One night, she came home to see Ryan on the couch looking glum. There was one of her notebooks next to him and she glanced at it curiously. They both had several laying around for those impromptu times when they needed to jot things down. "Hey, you. Everything OK?"

"I was reading through this." Ryan said slowly, and she glanced at the cover again. Her heart dropped when she realized it was the one she had been using when she first came home. "Everything is so good, but it is not written about me. It is not written about us." His eyes were pained as he gazed at her. "Carli, what happened to you? There is so much pain in these words."

"You know I write about a variety of stuff. I was watching a lot of movies and whatever else while I was alone. I don't know what inspires one song to the next." carli tried to reassure him, but his eyes seemed empty as he looked at her. She set her stuff down on the counter and sat next to him. "Ryan, don't trip. Everything is fine."

"You smile like it is, but I have seen something in your eyes. I see what these words are saying in your eyes. Carli, who hurt you like this?" Ryan demanded to know, and she felt the pressure in her head as the pain started. Nausea filled her and she looked at the ground.

"Nobody did. I was reading some crazy stuff at the time in my free time and got wrapped up in it. Ryan, you are putting way too much thought into this." Carli said, as she lifted her eyes to meet his slowly. "Baby, we are writers. It goes all over the place. You know that."

The silence from him began ringing in her ears. "Was there someone else, Car? I leave you alone so much and I cannot imagine when it would happen. Am I wrong to leave you alone so much?"

"Of course not. We both have busy lives, Ry. It works for us." Carli told him, and closed her eyes for a second. "Why are you so insecure all of a sudden?"

"I can read between the lines, Carli. When was it?" Ryan demanded, and she jumped as her eyes flew open. "Who was it? Just tell me so I don't sit and wonder like this."

Carli heard the pain in his voice and she shook as she sat there next to him. It was so cold in the room and she leaned forward as she took deep breaths to control her worsening nausea. "Don't do this." Her words were a whisper, and she swallowed the lump in her throat. "Don't think like this." It had been months since she had been with Eric, and she had just been moving past it a bit. She didn't want to drag out the pain again.

"So was it just a one time thing or a real affair?" Ryan asked her, and she took a deep breath.

"The real deal." carli finally said it, realizing that he could read her too well to believe otherwise. "In New York last time I was there."

"You took my ring when we were there together." Ryan pointed out, and she winced.

"It was over by then." Carli lied a bit to keep from really hurting him, and glanced his way. "I regretted it and I wanted it to work with us. I don't even know how it happened in the first place."

"I do." Ryan said, and she frowned. "We are apart all of the time and things go so fast. I have hidden a one time thing from you for a year, Carli. I was so regretful that I asked you to marry me when I got home." Her eyes reflected her surprise and he glanced at the floor. "I loved you so much but I just got caught up in the moment. I will always be sorry for both doing it as well as never telling you I did in the first place." He looked at her with hard eyes, and she stared back at him as reality hit her. "How do you do it more than once with a person?"

"I was there and….I did love him in a way." Carli admitted, and saw the hurt that she caused with her words. "It was not enough to stay or leave this life, Ryan. I wanted you. "

"Do you miss him? Your words indicate that you do." Ryan told her, and she shrugged.

"It is a painful thing in more ways than one." Carli replied, and they sat there for a few moments. She was drowning in her guilt, but also very surprised by his confession. His impromptu proposal had been so sweet and sincere, and she felt the hurt from what really caused it.

"Do we move past this and work it out?" Ryan asked after several moment, and she closed her eyes. "Do you still love him?"

Carli knew the answer and she took a deep breath. She looked at him and saw that he was looking curiously at her. "I do. I love both of you, and I hate that." Tears slid down her cheeks and she wiped at them as she stood up and walked out onto the balcony for some fresh air. She felt him come up behind her and slide his hands around her waist. "I'm sorry, Ryan. I always was. I just wanted things to be right, and you are my life as well as the band."

"I could look past it if it was a one night stand." Ryan said, and she nodded. "If you still have feelings for him, then I don't think we should go ahead with the wedding." Carli wiped her eyes again as she realized that her life was unraveling before her, and she slid her hands over his. "Stay here until you go on the tour and then we can sort out the living situation. It is only a couple of weeks away."

"Okay." Carli told him, and turned around to face him. "I don't not want to be friends. You mean the world to me and the band will kill me if you aren't around. I am so scared right now of having nothing."

Ryan's eyes reflected his true understanding of her words, and she hugged him as she saw it. "You are my best friend, Car. I am going to miss you when you are gone." They went inside and she curled up alone in the queen size bed in the guest room, crying softly as she prepared for the backlash that she got from the others. Ryan had suggested that they be vague on the details of the break up and she agreed, and she fell asleep restlessly. She woke up and stared at the ceiling, breathing slowly. She didn't have Eric or Ryan now, and she looked at her bare finger. She had given the ring back last night through guilty tears, and she felt a bit relieved now. She got up and started looking online for places, jumping around to cities in various states as well as Chicago. Carli had no idea what to do or where to go, and she heard her phone ring next to her. She glanced at it to see Travis's name and she winced. "Hey."

"Hey, Car. How are you?" Travis asked her, and she rolled her eyes. "I spoke to Ryan last night. He was pretty upset."

"I would imagine." Carli said quietly, and sat quietly. "I sort of am as well."

"Are you guys cool?" Travis asked her, and she laughed without humor.

"For two people that just ended an engagement, we're peachy. I hope that we are in the long run, but right now I am looking forward to going on the tour. I need a break and a clear head." Carli told him, and sighed. "I need to figure out where I am going to live as well. I feel a little lost right now."

"You're welcome to crash here if you need to." Travis offered, and she thanked him. They set up a band dinner, and she decided they should all know what happened and just hash it out. She knew they would be worried as well, but she had to believe it would all work out. She continued to look at places and surf the net, finally getting up to take a shower. She heard the front door close as she cracked the bathroom door, and she adjusted the short dress that she wore after showers when she was getting ready. She brushed her wet hair and decided to get some fresh colour before the tour as she did. She saw movement next to her and glanced over to see Ryan stop and peek in.

"Hey, Car."

"Hi." She was brief and she turned her attention to the mirror.

"I missed you last night." Ryan told her, leaning against the door. "It was so lonely alone in the room."

"So should I have slept in there after what happened? It does not seem right." Carli said, rubbing her primer on her face.

"It would be comforting." Ryan replied, and she glanced at him. He looked pained and she frowned. "Can we work this out at all?"

"I don't know how. We discussed this last night." Carli replied, longing to be out of the house. "I will be on tour soon enough, Ryan. I will be out of your house."

"I don't necessarily want that, Carli." Ryan said, and she sighed. "This completely sucks."

"I know. I am going to dinner with the guys to explain this all to them and I am dreading it." Carli told him, and met his eyes. "They might hate me."

"If I don't, they have no right to. I messed up as well" Ryan assured her, sliding his hands around her waist as he moved behind her. She realized how small the dress was and she felt him slide his hand up her stomach. She felt a hint of desire and she tried to keep him from sliding it under her dress, but he beat her and she moaned. They ended up in his bed making love hard, and she cried out as he bent her over the pillows and entered her. She had a flashback of Eric and a lump formed in her throat as Ryan thrust himself in and out of her. The fantasy molded into the reality and she cried out as she came, and he soon followed. They rested and made love again, and she looked at her messy hair in the mirror.

"Another shower." Carli murmured, and Ryan held her down.

"How long did you fuck him?" Ryan asked, and she stared at him with wide eyes.

"Ryan, you don't want to know this." Carli assured him, and his eyes grew darker.

"What made you want him? What made you stop loving me?"

"I never did. There was just an attraction with him and it went from there. It lasted a week, just one week." Carli said, and she felt the pain in her heart.

"What made you love him too?" Ryan asked her, and she shook her head as she grabbed her dress and got out of the bed.

"I have no clue. I just did and he asked me to stay, but I came with you. I wanted to make it work." Carli said, holding the dress in front of her.

"You wanted everything to be smooth for you. You knew without me it could fall apart." Ryan accused her, and she stared at him. "It was not just me."

"Ryan, just stop with this. I should go stay at Travis's for the remaining two weeks." Carli said, and he stared at her. "We cannot work through this. You will hold onto pain and I will react. Let's just take a break and I will pack before I go and we can sort it out then." She got up and took another shower, crying as she did. She tried to put on make up and do her hair, but she ended up clipping it up in the back and only managing mascara. Ryan's door was closed when she left and she threw her purse into the car and drove to the diner. The guys were already at a table and Travis took a long look at her.

"You look bad, Car."

"I am." Carli snapped at him, and the waitress came over. She ordered a chocolate shake and then looked around at the others. "Ryan and I broke up sometime in the course of last night, and I wanted to tell you in a group. It sucks ass right now, but I am hoping that we can get through this part and be friends or something like that at some point."

"Why? You guys were fine." Jimmy told her, and she shrugged.

"It had a lot to do with us being apart so much." Carli said slowly, thinking back to New York. The waitress came back to take orders, and they discussed the tour and the situation. They were understandably concerned, with him being a close friend of theirs and he and Carli being on the outs like they were. The night helped and she left feeling like they could all work with this and manage, and she hugged all of them before she got back into her car. She wished suddenly and regretfully that she had not deleted Eric's messages. She knew that it would only mess her life up further and that it was best, but it didn't make her feel better at that moment. She drove back to the house and walked in to find it empty, and she began to pack what she didn't need right away. Carli wanted to be organized when the tour began and ready to move into her own place, wherever that ended up being. She piled boxes that she had found in the garage to use against the wall and glanced up when Ryan stopped at her door. "Hey."

"Wow. You're moving fast." Ryan told her, and she nodded slowly.

"This is over. We cannot go back to what we were, and we both know that." Carli told him, and felt his gaze on her. "I am going to look for a place and probably line something up before we are back home."

"Where will you move? Here?" Ryan asked her, and she shrugged.

"I'm not sure yet. I guess we shall see." Carli replied, and realized that she really could go anywhere. She could have the band and live elsewhere with work, and the idea forced a small smile out of her. It faded as she looked up at him. "I am sorry, Ryan."

"I guess I am as well. I only wanted it to work for us."

Carli looked at him, and his eyes were serious. "It will work for you with somebody. You have always been great, and you always will be. I hold no resentment towards you." She was hurt by his infidelity, but it didn't really matter any longer with her own.

"Friends." Ryan said, and she nodded. It took time to get there, but she felt better about it as they prepared to leave for the tour. There was some pain as they slept in the separate rooms of the house, but she could not and would not bring herself to hurt him the way she had by making love with him anymore before she left. They hugged each other as she stepped onto the bus, and stared into his pained eyes before walking away and focusing on the future.