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Trust me. HEA girl here, gang! Usually. There's a few stories that I did some bad things to Bella and Edward. This one though, I have a plan. Have I ever steered you wrong?

Chapter 13

I wasn't sure why I thought it was funny.

"Bella, if you don't stop laughing than I'll start laughing," Jess reprimanded. "I can't teach you about the birds and the bees this way!"

She was sitting on my bed crossed legged and drawing in her spiral notebook. The things she was drawing were pictures of like penises and the things they could do. To me they looked more like a banana that had two gigantic basketballs attached. The drips she made coming out of it made me think the banana ball monsters were crying. It was probably due to the eye she drew on it complete with eyebrow and glasses.

"Jess, that thing is hilarious!" I was sitting next to her and in my own notebook drew flowers. Big and small blooms filled the page. "I can't take your description seriously."

Health class never explained this stuff. Usually Mrs. Johnson talked about nutrition and remembering to make exercise a part of your day. We had a refresher course about our periods in a special all-girls class. There was a movie with a talking butterfly that I think was made for middle school girls. We hadn't gotten to talk about anything concerning sex. She might be avoiding it, because the boys were already making jokes when she lectured about bananas being a good source of potassium.

This lack of knowing about the important stuff like doing it with Edward just makes things even more confusing. Can't they just explain it to us like we're adults? I mean they always tell us to act like adults. Of course, I'm giggling over Jess's weird drawings so maybe I'm not so grownup after all.

Jessica put her hand on my pen, It streaked across the page making a dark line over my pretty flowers. "Girl, my dad always says that if you can't take something seriously than you shouldn't be doing it. I think that if you can't deal with how messy sex with Edward is going to be than you shouldn't be doing it. I wasn't taking being with Tyler seriously and I ended up buying a pregnancy test."

"Just because I thought it was pee, doesn't mean that—"

She began to laugh. "It was an honest mistake. I thought so until I felt the actual stuff. It's totally thick like watery pudding."

"That's so gross!" I squealed.

"You think that's gross," Jessica reclined back on the pillows of my bed. "Sperm tastes nasty like salty . . . I don't know . . . Slime."

With a gleeful smile, she placed the end of her pen next to her mouth and pretended to suck on it. I watched her in horror.

The laughter started again and Jessica exclaimed, "The look on your face is cracking me up!"

"It isn't that bad?" I asked nervously.

"Oh no, it's bad. Really bad. You just dive right it and hope you don't choke, Bells," Jess stated with a wink.

Her laughs were catching because I joined her, after throwing a pillow at her head.

"Girls, are you okay in there?" My mom peeked her head in the door of my bedroom.

The notebook that had Jessica's badly drawn penises sat exposed on my bed. I threw my body over it and smiled up at my mom trying to distract her from noticing the book. "Studying, Mom. Could you bring us up some snacks?"

Mom gave us a bright smile. She loved feeling needed. "I'll get some veggies and dip for you girls. Ranch, okay?"

"I love ranch, Mrs. Swan," Jessica said brightly. After my mother walked out the door, she added, "Thick and wet just like the stuff that came out of Tyler."

Gross.

I tapped her with her notebook. "Cut it out! We need to get rid of that page before my mom finds it."

"You have some matches? We can burn it and light some incense to mask the smell of the burning paper," Jessica suggested.

"We have to rip it up. My parents think have incense means a person's on drugs." I ripped out the page and started pulling it apart into little pieces.

"My mom is the same way." Jessica grabbed a larger piece that I had already ripped up and joined me in destroying her artwork. "If Alice was here we could totally burn it. She has a lighter."

Her words made me sad. Alice had been a mess lately. She flitted in and out of our orbit the whole week. The whites of her eyes were now an irritated pink. The things she talked about made no sense. There were no aliens hiding in her closet or monsters in the gymnasium at school. I knew Jacob was worried. He had gone to meet with Alice's mom, but said she was strung out with needle holes in her arms. The whole situation was awful. I wanted to tell my parents, but Jacob wanted me to wait. He didn't want to make Alice run away. I think trying to handle this ourselves was going to make things worse.

"She's been hang in with Emmett. I don't know when we'll see her around," I admitted sadly.

Jessica squeezed my hand, "It will be okay."

Would it? I wasn't sure, because lately it seemed that things were spiraling out of control and there was nothing I could do about it.

XXXXXX

The back seat of Edward's car wasn't the most comfortable place to be at the moment. We've been going to our make-out spot a lot lately. He was always suggesting heading back to his house to listen to music. I think that was a code for getting naked on his bed. That wasn't going to be happening anytime soon, because I kept thinking about what Jessica said.

I couldn't take sex seriously right now. Did that mean that I didn't take Edward seriously? No, I took my feelings for him very seriously. We could grow into this. Get to know each other more and more to make it special. I think we had the possibility to really be in grownup love if we didn't rush things.

This was my attempt at being smart. That was a hard thing to do because I was being pressed into the seat and my head kept banging into the door. Edward was trying to pull up my shirt and I was pushing it back into place.

His mouth was on my neck, licking and kissing up the skin. He began to palm my breast over my shirt. It felt so good. I was panting.

"Take it off," he stated in my ear. It sounded like he was pleading. His other hands were on the button of my jeans. "You take off yours. I take off mine."

"I can't," I sighed into his mouth as he kissed me. His fingers had slipped into my jeans and under my underwear. They were rubbing me so gently that I was going to crumble to his will. So good. I whispered, "We're in a car."

"All alone." He nibbled my ear. One finger pushed into me. In and out. Oh God. It was everything I clutched his shoulders. "You like, girl?"

My body was betraying my mind. "More."

"More," he repeated.

Another finger in me and I bit into his neck. Edward ground his pelvis into me and hissed, "Baby, touch me."

He managed, in this tight space, to stick my hand down his pants. I was clutching his dick in car and trying to stifle a giggle. Calling it dick was silly. Was his penis's real name Richard?

"Touch me, Bella," he repeated. My hands moved, but reluctantly. I liked doing things like this with him, but we were in a car. It made me feel weird.

His words made all my silliness disappear as his fingers moved in me. Edward's kisses were hard and fast. I thought I saw headlights in the window.

"Edward, I—"

I wanted to stop. This was going to go too far. Please understand how I feel.

He whispered in my ear. "Let's do it. I need this."

"Do what?" I squeaked pulling away. My head hit the handle bar on the door hard. That hurt!

"Sex. I think we should do it." He crouched on his knees as his head touched the ceiling of his car.

We were in the backseat of his car. It was so hot in here, I was sticking on the leather seats. I wanted us to be in love with candles and flowers. Soft music playing on the radio would be in the background as we were on an actual bed. The bed being the most important part of my fantasy.

I struggled to button my jeans. "No."

"Bella, I need this," he stated looking frustrated. His fingers went to his hair pulling the strands upward. It looked painful. "I'm so stressed out! Just do it for me."

"I'm not loosing my virginity because you are having a bad day," I pointed out. I struggled to get out of the car. "Take me home!"

I stumbled out of the car. The air was cool. It wasn't cooling down my contradicting emotions. Sure I wanted to be with Edward. Sex was something I thought about all the time, but he wasn't listening to me. Not only was I not ready, but I wasn't going to have sex in a car if I was. Edward made me so mad.

He exited the car in a huff. "Grow up, Bella!"

"Grow up? I'm not I grown-up and neither are you! We're kids. There is no reason for us to have sex right now." I glared at him. "This isn't the time or the place!"

"Are you a frigid tease?" He was mocking me. "You play like you want it, but then stop when things are getting good."

Who was this guy? One minute he's sweet, the next he's an ass.

I went to open the passenger door. "I'm an ice cube. Would you mind taking me to the nearest gas station? I'll call my dad to come get me. I won't bother you by taking me home."

His body was close behind me. "I'm taking you home, Bella. It's dangerous to be hanging out at a gas station."

We just stood there in uncomfortable silence for what felt like forever. Finally, he spoke, "My dad is really driving me nuts. I just thought if we had sex, I could forget."

"That's not fair," I whispered. "I know you're mad at your dad, but having sex isn't going to fix anything."

"I guess I'm a dick."

No. He wanted to be, because it was easier than dealing with actual feelings. I couldn't fix him.

"Take me home," I said again.

Edward buried his head in my hair. "He brought her over to my fucking house today, Bella! Stupid Esme came in to help my mom work through her problems. Good old dad wants Mom fixed up before he leaves her. In his twisted mind, he thinks he's doing a good thing using his mistress to analyze my mom. Makes him feel better about ruining our family."

I could see our reflections in the window glass. Edward's face was in pain. The moonlight had given us an eerie glow. We looked sadly beautiful.

"How do you know this, Edward?"

He closed his eyes. "I overheard them in the kitchen. They acted like they cared what happens to mom. It's such bullshit!"

"You should have told me. We could have talked about it and—"

He turned me around. "Maybe I don't want to talk! I hate talking! Unlike you. All you do is talk, Bella! The noise doesn't stop!"

Tears flowed down my face. He was being so cruel. I wanted to punch him in the nose.

"Oh God, Bella! I'm sorry! I was just upset about my dad and mom! Please don't cry!" He started brushing the tears away from eyes. "I just wanted something good tonight!"

"Is that how you handle things? Have sex with any available girl to help you deal!" I cried.

"It was going to be my first time too," he admitted.

"But—"

Edward took a deep breath. "I lied. I'm not going to tell the guys that I'm a virgin. Who would do that?"

"You could have told me! We would have lost our virginity in a car and that isn't cool, Edward."

"It's not a big deal," he said with a shrug. Edward's walls were going back up and there was nothing I could do about it. "Look at my dad. He'll stick it in anyone. Sex isn't special."

"To me it has to be. I can't be with someone who doesn't find it as important as I do." These were my feelings. He would have to agree or I would have to move on. I wiped the fresh tears that were escaping my eyes with my sleeve.

He was stone faced. "Are we over?"

Were we?

Edward had such beautiful eyes. I could get lost in them. He needed to make a decision. He looked at me so coldly. Those walls would never let me in.

"You need to decide if you can be patient with me, Edward. I'm not the answer to your problems, but I can listen and support you." I put my forehead on his. "Think about it the rest of the weekend."

Pick me. Choose us.

I looked up at him and there was a single tear dripping down. Maybe there was a tiny chance for us. He kissed me softly, then said, "A break. We can figure this out."

That was my wish.

XXXXXX

There was no calls. He didn't come knocking on my door with some romantic gesture. It was complete silence from Edward.

I filled that silence by hiding out in my bedroom and blasting Nirvana. Kurt Cobain was wailing about teen spirit and I wanted to destroy my bedroom in anger. Break mirrors and rip up my bed linens sounded like a way deal with what was looking like a breakup.

If I did make waste of my room, my parents would kill me.

Instead, I cried into my covers and ate lots of chocolate. My face was going to be covered in pimples after all this candy. Edward probably made the right decision getting freed from a pimple faced monster like me.

There was loud knocking at my door. My dad's voice was muffled, "I'm coming in, kid."

He entered my room and stomped over to my stereo. "Honey, I love The Doors. I get liking loud rock music, but you're going to go deaf. Your mom is going to blame me and—"

I blew my nose in a crumpled tissue and tried to wipe my eyes. "I'm sorry."

My dad's face grew grim and he came over to my bed. He sat down and hugged me tight. "What's wrong, baby?"

"Ed . . . Ed . . . Broke—" I started bawling into Dad's neck.

"He broke up with you? Want me to shoot him for you?" Dad tried to sound like he was upset, but he was probably happy that this happened. It was nice that he was trying to be supportive.

"I'm not sure if we broke up, Daddy. It just feels like it. Everything hurts inside. Why?" I held him tighter.

"Kiddo, if your mom wasn't at the store I would have her up here talking to you. She's better at this stuff, but I'll try. This Edward punk isn't the only fish in the bowl." Dad rubbed my back.

I laughed through the tears. "It's the sea, Dad."

"Don't mock your dad, kid. But what I'm saying is true. You're a teenager and will be trying to figure out this love thing for your whole life. Your mother and I are still figuring it out and we're ancient! You can have a good cry, but after that you hold your head up high and show him that you're a strong lady." He kissed my head. "How about you date a nice boy? Mike Newton or Jasper? He's a weird kid, but I don't think he'll try anything."

"Dad!" I had to laugh again. "Jasper's awful!"

"Well . . . He has awful hair," Dad pointed out. Then he grinned and added, "He's the type of kid who still plays with Transformers, right?"

Just like that, I had to smile again. Sometimes, my dad could make everything better. At least for a little while.

XXXXXX

The note was taped to my locker. Alice always wrote on the back of business cards that she would take stacks of from various business around town. She would write little funny sayings in bubble letters that would be hard to read on the other words that had been printed on the card. I always looked forward to getting one.

This note was on a piece of ripped out notebook paper. Not a bubble letter in sight. I felt so very nervous looking at it.

The note is why I was sitting on the bathroom sink waiting for her to come talk. Was she hurt? Did something bad happen to her when she was drinking? I knew I shouldn't have listened to Jacob about this. We needed the help of adults.

"Hey, Bella," Alice said quietly. She didn't call me Isabella.

This wasn't like my friend who was now leaning against the wall across from me. Alice wore an old Washington State sweatshirt and jeans. Her dark hair was cut very short like she had hacked it off with children's safety scissors. There was black mascara running down her face from her tears. There was exhaustion all over her face.

I hopped off the sink and as I approached her she put her hands up to stop me. "No, Bella. I messed up so bad."

"Alice—"

"I don't remember. There were these white pills . . . I woke up naked. I mean something happened, right? He was there too. He was wearing boxers and a tee-shirt so maybe it didn't happen, but—" Alice trailed off. She looked so confused like she was searching for answers. "I was sore, so like it had to have happened. Emmett was there, I think. I kind of remember."

I grabbed her hand. "What are you talking about?"

"I was so fucked up! I'm so sorry, Bella! I need you to forgive me, okay?" Alice pleaded hugging me to her.

"Why are you sorry?" I moved away to look at her. "You didn't do anything to me."

She shook her head violently. "I think I had sex with Edward."

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Edward had sex with Alice.

I always knew I wasn't good enough or something. This isn't a surprise, but it still feels like every molecule in my body is shattering.

There's things I just don't understand. I just couldn't say to my mother that Edward's touch made me feel like I was finally alive and that I wanted him to consume me body and soul.

My fear of this new experience and to these new feelings drove him to her. It's all my fault. He touched her and didn't even think about the fearful little girl that loves him so very much.

I hate him as much as I love him. It's a fiery pain that makes tears just leak from my eyes.

Truthfully, I hate her more. Her betrayal cuts deeper. She was my best friend and closer to me than a sister.

They broke my heart and I am done.