11.
Lily packed away her notes from the prefects meeting and thanked everyone for coming as they slowly drifted out of the room. James was the only one still sitting at his desk, making a few final notes before capping his ink. She looped her book bag over her shoulder and waited for him to pack away. He seemed distracted, not looking up at her as she lingered by his desk.
"You wanna hang out with me tonight?"
He glanced up at her briefly as he stuffed his notes into his satchel. "Can't sorry. You heard Pierce knackered his arm yesterday, didn't you?"
"Yeah, how's he doing?"
"Not good," he replied, throwing the bag over his shoulder and preceding her out into the hallway. "I gotta throw the Quaffle at the reserve; make sure he's up for next weeks match. Rotten bugger hasn't been showing up for regular practice."
"Will it take long?"
He shrugged, checking his watch. "An hour or two maybe, I'm gonna try and get some dinner first. See you around."
"Oh… see you then," Lily replied weakly as he sped off down a flight of stairs, waving over his shoulder. She stopped short in the middle of the busy corridor wondering what to do with herself. Dorcas and Emmeline had gone to library to finish up an assignment that Lily had already completed last week, and if she knew those girls at all then they wouldn't be back until Madame Pince threw them out at closing time.
She had been looking forward to spending some time with James, just playing chess or lounging around in the common room to chat, but his schedule was busier than hers with his additional Quidditch responsibilities. She wasn't very hungry either, having grabbed dinner with the girls before the meeting so she couldn't even waste time by eating. In the end she decided she would take a slow walk down to the Quidditch pitch and watch the practice. At least that way she could catch James if they finished early.
She was feeling anxious about Friday night and not because she was expected to kiss someone in front of a hundred people. She was honestly beginning to wonder if she was doing the right thing. She had seen John kissing Judy a month ago, he had given her his ring, and she had spotted them together many times since, but something just wasn't right.
After her birthday she had begun to notice how little he seemed to appreciate her; he only seemed to want to know her when he was after a date for sex. But ever since she'd told him to back off he'd done a complete turn around and was back to the old John – the one that she'd wanted to sleep with in the first place. She wasn't too sure if she could really trust him ever again, in fact she knew she couldn't. Once a cheater, always a cheater – that's what Dorcas said – and Lily wouldn't take John back for all the world. But at the same time he seemed genuine about wanting to make their relationship work – he wanted her to meet his parents!
Lily couldn't help but think that there was something deeper going on that she didn't understand. Perhaps he didn't know he was cheating, if that was at all possible. Perhaps, in his mind, it was okay to string along two girls at the same time – not that it would ever be acceptable in Lily's eyes of course. But she couldn't shake off the feeling that maybe John really cared about her, and if she went ahead and kissed James at the party, then John would be completely heart broken. Of course, that had always been the point, but was the punishment too severe considering his state of mind?
It was cool outside and she was glad to have worn an extra shirt under her robes that day as she made her way past the changing rooms, along the path toward the pitch. She'd brought her Charms text with her to read because she wasn't sure how exciting watching a Quidditch practice could be – but she didn't think she'd find the time for it with all that was running through her mind right now. All she really knew was that it was too late to call off the deal with James – he and Sirius had probably already spent the forty galleons on alcohol for the party – and it wasn't fair to let the girls throw away their share of the money when this had been all their idea to begin with. But there was nothing she could do to stop her from feeling utterly sick about the whole thing.
"You still going out with Moira Greengrass?"
Lily recognized John's voice instantly as she strolled by the entrance to the changing room. She was glad she had nipped up to the dorm first to drop off her book bag so that she didn't accidentally bump into him on his way back from the pitch. She wasn't in the mood for talking to him right now.
"Yeah," another voice replied – one of John's teammates. "She wants me to take her to Puddlehead's or something for Valentines." The boy didn't sound very enthusiastic. "I dunno – you guys heard of it?"
"Isn't that the ponsy tea shop on the corner?" a third voice piped up.
"Madame Puddifoot's," John corrected them. "It's a load of shite but you'll do it if the girl's worth it."
"You taking Webster like?"
Lily stopped walking at the mention of Judy's name. As far as she knew, Judy had been near enough wiped from John's Valentine's plans. She backtracked a few steps, listening at the door. It was difficult to hear over the noise of the showers that had just started running, and she took a few steps into the room, still hidden by a dividing wall, but ready to run away should they suddenly emerge from the changing room.
John snorted. "Nah mate, only if the girl's worth it is what I said."
The other guys laughed.
"I thought you said you'd booked a room?"
"Aye, for me and Lily."
Someone 'ooo'd' and another whistled. "Finally breaking in the virgin then?"
"Oi," John said firmly. There was a short silence before he spoke again. "She hasn't been herself lately; thought I'd do summit nice for her."
"Hoping she'll see how romantic you are and finally give in?"
"Nah, I'm not expecting anything," he said, sounding rather complacent about the fact. "Can't try and change her mind about these things - she's pretty certain about what she wants."
"Not you, eh?" someone chuckled.
There was an all round laugh of appreciation at the boys comment.
"Yeah well," someone finally added. "That what he got Webster for init?
"She's not kicking up about it then, you taking Evans out for Valentines?"
"Nah," John said. "She knows her place."
"Heard you had to surrender that pretty ring o' yours to keep her quiet though," someone chortled.
"Even the slappers need to feel wanted sometimes," another snorted.
Everyone laughed again but there was a groan from John. "Gotta keep her happy somehow. Hope I get that back eventually," he added darkly. "Mother'll have my neck."
"You ought to tell her to be careful with that thing; she was flashing it to everyone last week. Your girl's gonna be asking questions if word gets around."
"Stupid cow," John muttered. "She's gonna ruin everything."
The shower switched off and a new voice piped up. "Sorry to sound like the wet blanket here boys," he said. "Judy Webster's hot and all, but really, you're telling me you're not satisfied with Lily Evans? That girl is pure gold! If you don't want her I'd gladly take her off your hands."
Lily found herself feeling very grateful toward the Hufflepuff Quidditch player.
"Watch it," someone warned him. "Willis is dangerously protective about his girl."
"Aye," John added. "You keep your hands to yourself mate."
"Yeah well you're not giving it to her are you? You know the good girls always give the best head – I bet she's a right little slut. Let me warm her up for you, I'd love to get my hands on that tight little-"
Lily gasped, slapping her hands over her mouth with a mixture of disgust and shock at the sound of a slight scuffle followed by a loud thump. "Never," she heard John growl at the offensive boy. "Ever talk about Lily like that, you hear me? I blow your fucking head off."
"Come on mate," someone else was trying to calm him. "Let go of him alright; he's just a dick head, doesn't know what he's saying."
"Too many bludgers to the head," another tried to lighten the mood.
There was another scuffle and Lily rushed out of the changing rooms as she heard footsteps hurrying toward her. A boy dressed in only a towel darted out of the doorway holding his uniform under his arm and took off in the opposite direction with seeing her. His back was red as though from being slammed against the brick wall. Really, that sort of behaviour deserved points to be taken, but she didn't wish to make her presence known and John had been defending her. Instead she raised her wand and shot a carefully aimed warming charm at the half naked boy as he sprinted toward the castle across the icy grounds. Her heart was beating double time with the bit of drama and quietly crept back into the entrance, trying not to breathe too deeply and she listened for more of the conversation.
"Being a bit greedy though aren't you Willis? You really need two girlfriends?"
"Judy," John continued matter of factly. "Is not nor will she ever be my girlfriend. I've said it before, I'll say it again; Lily's my girl. So none of you arseholes get any ideas either."
"You know we wouldn't," the other guy snorted. "But I ask again; what are you doing with two girls if Miss Evans is the one?"
"Judy is, shall we say, relief," John told him. "I'm only human, I gotta clear the pipes somehow."
"Never considered your left hand?"
The group laughed.
"Why bother when there's girls like Judy Webster that are more than willing?" John replied casually. "She doesn't really mean anything and she knows it, deep down. She keeps asking but knows I won't break up with Lily. Normally I'd kick a girl to the side if she wasn't keen, but Lily's something special I'm not giving that up for anything. She's the kinda girl you want to take home to meet your folks, you know?"
"And you'd still have girls like Judy Webster on the side?"
"My Uncle Regis has one of them, what do you call them?"
"A mistress."
"Yeah, he's dead wealthy though. Me Aunt knows about it and everything. If you've got enough dosh you can get away with anything – it's basically expected."
"Not me lads," John finally added. "When Lily's ready she'll be the ultimate girlfriend, you see. From that day on it'll be one girl for me – for life."
Someone snorted. "You'd better hope she's a good lay then."
"You know," John replied with a slight chuckle. "I don't think I'd notice. I get a stiffy just thinking about her these days."
"Me too," someone sniggered. "Oi, I was kidding!"
"I swear, she's the perfect chick; good-looking, clever, funny."
"Man, I need to find me a girl like that."
"Sorry mate, there's only one out there and she's all mine. You can have Judy."
"No thanks."
"Don't blame you. She's a real pain in the arse sometimes. If I knew how much trouble she'd be I'd never have gotten involved with the cow."
"So why don't you ditch her?"
"Because she'd tell Lily. I can't have her ruining the best thing in my life."
"You sound like a girl."
"He's smitten, leave him alone."
"You know lads, I'll marry that girl some day, you'll see."
"Did I miss it?"
"Nah, hurry up – close the door."
It was before breakfast on Thursday morning that James had arranged for everyone to meet for the dress rehearsal. Although the clothing itself wasn't very important as Lily and the girls arrived in their pajamas and they found the boys in a similar state of dress when Sirius let them into the dorm. Currently the entire audience was congregated on James' bed while Lily and James hovered in the middle of the room. Remus had just returned from the bathroom and he launched himself into the crowd, eager for the big show to start.
"Before we begin," Sirius said loudly over their excited chatter. "I would like everyone to know that everything you are about to see here today is the work of yours truly. Unless of course they managed to ruin everything, in which case I refuse to take the blame for you girls losing your money. Besides, we've already spent it."
"Yeah, yeah," Emmeline moaned, giving him a shove. "Shut up and let them get on with it."
They fell silent, turning to Lily and James with baited breath. Lily felt her pulse racing at being shoved into the spotlight though she thought James looked perfectly relaxed. "You brushed your teeth, didn't you?" he asked coolly.
Lily scoffed indignantly. "Yes. Did you?"
"Well I know how morning breath gets you all hot and bothered."
Their audience sniggered but Lily merely narrowed her eyes, refusing to let the boy make her anymore uncomfortable about this situation than she already was. He gave her a discreet grin that was obviously meant as a friendly gesture but Lily did not find it comforting. She swallowed hard as he placed his hands on her hips. She just couldn't shake the feeling that everything about this was suddenly so wrong.
"Now remember you two," Dorcas called out to them. "No front bottoms."
"Dorcas!"
Lily glared as Remus gave her a high five and James sniggered too while the others grinned on. She didn't appreciate their joking around; this was the most serious thing she had ever had to do – or at least, a rehearsal for the most serious thing he had ever had to do. She was about to crush someone. You couldn't not feel guilty about something like that.
"Okay, quiet everyone," Peter called them to order. "I want to see this sometime this morning please."
"Thank you," Lily nodded before turning back to James. She placed her hands on his shoulders as was her 'starting position' and he returned his to her waist. They gave each other a look of agreement before Lily pushed herself onto her tiptoes and leaned her mouth towards James. The last thing she saw was his face inching in as she let her eyes flutter closed and it had begun.
They started slowly – Sirius had said everything was better if it was slow to begin with – and kissed rather chastely, but only for a few seconds. Lily let her hands slide across his shoulders and to the back of his neck, physically pulling him further into the kiss, and that was the sign to let things heat up. James was allowed to explore her body and Lily pushed her hips into his, letting her fingers wind through his hair and tugging until he moaned. He released one of his best yet – one that she could feel rumbling in his chest pressed against hers long before it reached her ears and it made her feel gooey inside. But not today.
The tongues played against each other, caressing and exploring while their hands did the same. Lily brought her hands back down to his shoulders, dragging her nails and she brought them down his back and he groaned again appreciatively, pulling her closer to him. They broke for air as his mouth wandered to her neck and it was her turn to moan as he cupped her breasts, her bottom, her thighs, everywhere that felt good. She usually liked to watch him do that but the idea of seeing the faces of their audience put her off and she kept her eyes squeezed tightly. They flickered however as he threw in something unrehearsed, gripping the underside of her left leg and hoisting it over his hip, creating a pleasant friction between their most intimate of places. He grunted, and she began to feel the beginnings of an erection in his shorts. She was conscious of him suddenly pushing her away to put some distance between their lower halves, clearly regretting his unpracticed move, and she was embarrassed for him, wondering if she should stop altogether but someone did it for her.
"STOP!"
They pulled apart, panting, and Lily let her eyes snap open as Sirius shouted at them. She wondered if they were really that bad and glanced at James for a reaction. He was flushed but was not looking at Sirius – he stared back at her, a slight crease between his brows. Had she been bad?
"That was fan-fucking-tastic!" Sirius cried, startling her. He was grinning like a maniac. "I had to stop you though; I thought Wormtail was gonna cream his pants."
Peter hit him over the back of the head. "Fucking liar! I was not!"
"Maybe just me then," Sirius replied, still grinning.
"And me," Remus added with a snigger.
"Oh, err, and me," James muttered, crossing his hands over the front of his boxers.
Emmeline's mouth hung open and Dorcas held her hands over hers, shaking her head. "Oh my God, you two!" she cried, letting them fall to her lap. "I'm speechless! You were so raunchy! I can't believe how real that looked; I thought you were about to rip each others clothes off!"
"Me too!" Emmeline giggled. "I feel like I've just watched something naughty! John is going to die tomorrow!"
The entire group was a mass of laughs and shouts and requests for praise from Sirius but Lily noticed James stayed very quiet, still watching her from the corner of his eye as Remus asked him for what appeared to be snogging advice.
"Oh sugar!" Emmeline exclaimed over the racket. "Look at the time; we're going to miss breakfast! Come on, come on!" The girls hurried their goodbyes and began to usher themselves out of the dorm still giggling about what they had just witnessed.
"What was that?"
Lily put her hand to her chest as James nearly scared the living daylights out of her, appearing from behind a statue as she made her way to Arithmancy that morning. "What was what?" she said with a frown. He was looking down on her with much the same expression.
"This morning," he said shortly. "What was that about?"
Lily took a hesitant step back from him. He appeared rather intimidating with that cross expression, bearing down upon her out of the blue. "I'm not sure what you mean," she replied honestly. "It was fine; even Sirius said so."
"Well he wasn't the one kissing you, was he?" he replied irritably. "What's gotten into you? Do you really want to ruin this tomorrow? After all the hard work we've put into getting it right?"
"James," Lily said, taking his forearm and encouraging him to walk with her, away from the bustling crowds in the main hall. "I think you're being paranoid; I'm not going to blow it. We did everything we normally do – if anything it's going to be you that puts us in jeopardy."
"What?"
"Decided to improvise a little toward the end, didn't you?"
"Yeah well I had to," he argued, looking over his shoulder. "You weren't exactly giving me much to work with."
Lily stopped short, forcing him to turn back and look at her. Glancing down the hall she spotted the girls bathroom. "What are you talking about?" He made to reply but Lily silenced him, grabbing him by the arm again and dragging him into the nearest loo. Thankfully it was empty as the bell for next lesson was about to sound. He slumped against the wall, folding his arms over his chest. Lily stood with her hands on his hips in the center of the room. "Do you mind telling me what this is about? Why are you angry with me? I'm not aware of doing anything wrong."
He released a long breath, but continued to stare back at her with that irritated expression. "You weren't into it – you were faking it."
Lily could not help but roll her eyes. "I'm always faking it James; this is all fake, remember?"
"Today was different – I could tell."
He was right of course. Thinking about John had made her feel incredibly unsure of what they were doing and it had translated into their routine. "What do you want me to say?" she huffed, trying for a cover up. "I was nervous; we had people watching."
He narrowed his eyes, clearly not believing her. "Are you having second thoughts, Lily?"
He was either really perceptive or she was a terrible liar. She wanted desperately to tell him that she was having second thoughts but there were so many people expecting her to do this – she didn't want to let anyone down by backing out at the last minute. "I'm fine," she said, hoping to sound confident. "I'm fine, everything's fine. As long as you don't go throwing in new moves again, everything's going to be fine. We're going to show up tomorrow, snog each others brains out and show Judy fucking Webster that I don't give a shit. She ruined my birthday and I'm going to wipe that stupid smirk off her face when she sees who I'm kissing."
His expression however did not alter and his gaze remained suspicious. "John," he said quietly. "You're going to show John."
Lily cringed. That was what she had meant to say. "Of course," she muttered pathetically. "And John."
He dropped his head into his hands and ran them through his hair before looking at her again with disappointment evident all over his face. "After all this… you're not really over him, are you?"
"Don't be stupid," she said hastily. "Of course I am. I just… I don't think that he deserves what we're doing," she admitted. "I don't want to do that to anyone."
"Why, Lily?" James said, stepping closer to her again. "He's a bastard."
"What we're doing is heartless," Lily replied. "He might be a bastard but to do what we have planned would be cruel."
"And cheating on you isn't?" he replied, sounding astounded by her sudden desire to call off the deal.
But Lily was sure she was right. John didn't deserve what they were going to do to him. He had admitted that Judy meant nothing to him and the only reason he seemed to think it was acceptable to be with Judy at all was because of the way he had been brought up. He came from an old wizarding family where it was the norm to keep mistresses on the side. But even then he was going to give that up for her. He wanted to marry her and spend the rest of his life with her and only her. He loved her. Even if she didn't want to date him again, did someone who looked up to her with so much respect and admiration really deserve this sort of punishment?
"Why are you being like this?" she said angrily. "Why can't you accept my decision?"
His eyes grew wide and he threw his arms up, growling with frustration. "Because it's a stupid decision!"
Lily was flabbergasted at his outcry, unable to think of a suitable response as she stared back at him with her mouth hanging open. He had never shown so much interest in her situation before; if anything she would have thought he was against what she was doing but kept his silence because he was being paid well for it. So why was it such a big deal for him now? Something finally clicked into place. "You can keep the money, I don't care."
He groaned, shaking his head. "This isn't about the money, Lily. Don't you care that he's just been allowed to walk all over you? You're letting him do that."
"No I'm not."
"You are."
She was getting frustrated. "Look," she huffed, crossing her arms across her chest irritably. "What do you care anyway? This is my business, not yours. Take your forty galleons and just fuck off, okay? You're not needed anymore."
"Excuse me?" He really did seem offended. "Not my business?"
"What are you, a parrot?"
He was silent for a moment, staring back at her intently and breathing heavily. "Fine," he said with a shrug. "But just so you know; no man honestly needs to fuck other girls when he's already with a woman he loves."
Lily scoffed, turning away so she wouldn't have to look at him anymore. "You don't know anything, James." He hadn't heard John in the changing rooms; he didn't know their situation.
"I know that if someone loves you, then they would never, under any circumstances cheat. You should be enough. I know that much," he added. He still sounded angry but his final words were slightly choked. Her eyes flickered to the mirror on the wall, finding his reflection. He looked…sad. "You'd certainly be enough for me," he finished with conviction.
Lily felt suddenly uncomfortable under his gaze, dropping her eyes to the sink in front of her. You'd certainly be enough for me. What did that mean?
"Don't tell me you haven't realized," he continued, stepping forward until she could sense his presence right behind her. "Don't tell me after all this time – after all we've been through over the past few weeks you're still completely ignorant."
"Ignorant to what exactly?" she replied guardedly. But she knew. She just didn't want to think about it. She didn't need this right now. In fact, she felt slightly sick at the revelation.
"You know what I'm talking about."
Lily turned to him, finding him much closer than she had anticipated. "Don't do this right now, James-"
"Then when?" he cut her off sharply, though he never raised his voice. "When would be a good time for you, Lily? Has two years really been too short a time for you?"
"I don't know," she muttered to the ground, trying to sift her way though the sudden jumble of thoughts in her head.
"Then figure it out!" he barked.
"Don't yell at me!" she cried, shoving him so that he was forced to take a step backwards. "You lied to me – you said you were after the money! What else was I supposed to think?"
They stared at each other for a good two minutes, breathing heavily with frustration. Finally Lily dropped her head, robbing her face with her hands. "What's going on here?" she said weakly, lifting her face to see him again. "What are you saying to me?"
"It's really not that complicated."
"Humour me," she muttered dryly.
He sighed, taking another step away from her until he was leaning against the door of a cubicle. "I love you," he said, as thought he were merely commenting on the weather.
She felt incredibly awkward finding herself yet again at the centre of his unwelcome affections, although he'd never used the term 'love' before. "Why didn't you say something?" She would never have let him get involved in this situation with John if she had been certain about how he felt.
"I wanted to," he told her earnestly. "You have no idea how much I wanted to. Do you think it was easy having you underneath me and not being able to confess how I really felt?"
Lily blushed at his choice of phrasing. "So why didn't you?"
"Don't you get it?" he said, his nose scrunched up in anguish. "You told me to leave you alone so I did," he said tonelessly. "For two years I left you alone; I had to sit by and watch you with other guys and to be honest Lily, it near killed me. But I thought if I did as you asked then you might change your mind about me – give me a chance. Then all of a sudden I find out your boyfriend is shagging some other bird and you're looking to get him back – by snogging someone no less! I never thought I'd see the day when I got to kiss you – touch you – and all of a sudden you were prepared to pay me to do those things to you whenever I wanted? I'm not a fool – I jumped at the chance! But I couldn't let you know how much I wanted it because I was afraid you'd freak out.
"It's been so damn hard Lily, pretending to be your friend and pretending that kissing you was such a chore. I shouted at you the other day but I didn't mean any of it and then I had to lie about it and say I didn't want you like that when I did – I do! But I knew if I didn't push you away like I did then I would have been all over you - I wouldn't have been able to stop myself - and you would have hated me for it. I've been as much of a bastard as Willis was – I've been using you, fulfilling my fantasy of finally snogging Lily Evans. I've hated myself this past month for doing that to you but I couldn't stop – I've wanted you for so long.
"And slowly we started being friends again and you told me you liked being with me – liked all those things we've been doing . I thought that when this was all over I might actually have a chance with you but now you're ruining it, Lily. You're forgiving him for what he's done and I'm so bloody scared that you're going to back to him. I kissed you today and I couldn't feel you anymore – that honestly scared the sht out of me. He wants to marry you and I believe that, but you can't believe he loves you Lily. Don't believe it. Because I think I'd die if you went back to him, Lily. I know I'm a selfish fck but I want you. And I know you want me too, I've felt it every time you kiss me."
He was out of breath when he'd finished and Lily stared back at him across the bathroom with tears in her eyes. All that time she'd been so blind – she'd had no idea all of this was going on inside his head. She'd been torturing him for a whole month, letting him think he had some sort of chance. She had known this was always going to end badly – she should have followed her instincts.
"I'm sorry," she uttered quietly.
His face fell. She could almost hear his heart breaking into a thousand pieces in the quietness of the bathroom. "No, Lily, come on, please don't do this."
"I'm sorry James. You're my friend, but I… I just don't like you like that." It was such a corny line and she hated herself for saying it.
She was shaking his head, refusing to believe her. "No, you do. You can't do what we've been doing and not have some sort of connection – it wouldn't feel as good as it does otherwise. You can't fake something like that."
"I faked it today, didn't I?" she countered him. "You said so yourself. I don't love you James."
"You're a liar," he hissed, growing angry again.
"No, you are," she snapped back at him. "You've been lying to me this entire time. I would never have gotten you involved if I thought you still had feelings for me. I never wanted this James and I still don't. When are you going to accept that I don't want you?" It was a cruel statement and he looked close to tears.
"No, I think you just made it very clear," he replied sounding choked.
Lily didn't know what to say after that. She felt mean and stupid and sorry and wanted nothing more than for this whole situation to be over and done with. Realizing she had nothing left to suggest he swiped at his eyes and made for the door of the bathroom. The door swung shut behind him and Lily dropped to the floor, crying harder than she had the night of her birthday party. This was far worse than finding out her boyfriend was cheating on her. She'd just lost her best friend. Again.