Decided to update again this morning as you're all so great at reviewing! This was meant to be a tiny gap-filler moment but I got carried away with wanting to write Tiva so there's a bit of closeness with them as well in this chapter. Thanks to wikipedia for the Connery Bond film date, something I'd never remember for love or money even though my dad tells me this practically every day.

Chapter Five: If You Need Me

They ate their pizza in silence; no one really knowing what to say. Ziva wanted to assure Tony that things would be okay, but didn't want Penny to ask a question about things not being okay, and it was clear that Alicia's illness was having a similarly heartbreaking response on Tony as it was their daughter. So, Tony and Penny tucked into their pizza in silence, Ziva just looking between the two and wishing that something more could be done, by anyone. They were so alike in appearance, and she'd noticed certain mannerisms that were the same as well. When Penny appeared to be thinking, she'd scrunch up her nose, and when she was outsmarted on something and couldn't think how to react, she'd just stare with such intensity that it almost made her shudder to realise it was an exact replica of Tony's eyes; eyes that could search even the most guarded soul and lay it bare for only them to see.

After dinner, Penny took up her place on the couch before the television. Ziva had no idea what was on, but it appeared to be an old action movie. "From Russia With Love," Tony announced when he saw Ziva's quizzical expression. "Sean Connery, 1964. A real classic."

"James Bond?"

He nodded. "The second in the series. Never been another one like it."

Penny watched the fight sequences and action scenes as if they were some form of undiscovered treasure that she alone had found, but Ziva could see how old they were. Of course, Tony considered them classics, but his idea of classic coincided with her idea of badly shot fight sequences that looked out of place and appallingly timed. Even the special effects were terrible. But Tony loved them, and apparently so did Penny, and any common ground they could find at the moment could be precious, so she bit her tongue when her instinct told her to scream heresy at several of the scenes in the movie.

Before she realised it, she'd sat and watched half of the movie before realising that Tony was no longer in the room. In fact, she wasn't even aware of him sitting down in the living room at any time. She got up from the armchair beside the couch, and went down the hall, pausing in the doorway to check that Penny was still happily watching her movie. As she suspected, the bedroom door that had once been swinging open was now firmly shut. She knocked on it, not waiting around for him to answer before she opened it herself. Inside, she found him lying in the centre of his double bed, eyes closed and occasionally facing the ceiling as he lightly banged his head against the headboard of solid wood behind him.

"I came in here to be alone, Ziva," he said, not looking up because he knew it would be her.

"You have had time to be alone," she said, crossing the room and sitting down on the edge of his bed. She was silent for a moment, thinking that perhaps her presence alone would cease him banging his head, but he continued the repetitive motion. "You will give yourself a headache doing that," she told him simply.

"I've already got one," he half-snapped back.

"Tony-"

"Look, Ziva," he interrupted, stopping the banging of his head finally and sitting up properly. "I appreciate that you're trying to help, but I really don't want to deal with this right now."

"You do not have a choice," she pointed out, bringing her legs up onto the mattress and tucking them underneath her. He couldn't help but notice it was an unnaturally feminine action for Ziva, but at the same time, he realised that this showed how comfortable she was around him; she was finally letting down her guard in a time when he was fighting to keep his intact. "You have a daughter to think about now. A beautiful daughter."

"A daughter I didn't want," he muttered, almost guiltily.

"How can you say that?" she asked him. "You are her only hope."

"I'm not cut out to be a parent, Ziva. It doesn't come easy to me."

"What about it do you think is easy for anyone?" she challenged him.

He couldn't answer, sighing heavily instead. "I can't do this," he told her. "I'm not going to do this."

"You have to. She's your child and you need to take care of her now, whether you want to or not," she reminded him. He looked away from her dark eyes, focusing his attention on the other corner of the bed. "You cannot run away from this, Tony," she added more quietly.

"Who are you to decide what I do?" he snapped back quickly.

"You and Penny are family," she pointed out to him, emphasising the important word and not acting on his snappy tone. She understood that emotions were ruling his words at the moment. "Families do not get to walk away from one another, families fight for each other."

"What about Alicia? Alicia's her mother and she can't fight. She physically can't."

"Which is why you have to," she replied quickly.

He shook his head again, lapsing back into the doubt. "I can't do this," he insisted.

"You do not have a choice," she reminded him.

"It's not a case of 'won't', Ziva. I just can't!"

She took a long look at her partner, seeing how torn up he really was inside. For a moment she was even sure that she had seen tears in his eyes but he had blinked them away too quickly for her mind to register them. Tony wasn't like this. Tony took risks. Tony brushed emotions away. Tony still had the mind of a child sometimes. But, she realised, Tony now needed to change. He couldn't take risks as big as he had done in the past because he had a life other than his own to consider. He couldn't brush off his emotions whenever he wanted, because what he denied himself to feel could make a huge difference to Penny's emotional state. He couldn't go out to dates and parties which lasted until the small hours of the morning because he needed to be there for his child. He needed to be there to put her to bed, and Penny needed to know that he would be there when she woke up, especially now. It was only so long until the fear of abandonment by her sole remaining parent would begin, and she would need Tony more than she might ever need him in her life. He would have to be ready for that.

"You have to try," she whispered to him.

Tony was silent for a moment, remembering the fateful times he had said 'I'll try anything once and twice if I like it' when faced with something new. "What if I still can't?" he asked, a fear evident in his voice. What if he really wasn't capable of looking after Penny? What would happen then?

"Then at least you will have tried," Ziva told him, as a tiny head appeared around the doorway.

"Daddy..." Penny muttered quietly, looking between him and Ziva with curious eyes.

"What's the matter, kid?" he asked her.

"I gotta go to the bathroom."

"Right, well...the bathroom's in there," he said, pointing her into the room they'd been in a while ago. "...you okay on your own?"

She tilted her head to one side. "Huh?"

"Do you...do you go on your own, or do you need someone to go with you?" he asked, almost hesitantly.

To his surprise, she grinned at him proudly. "No, I wipe my own ass," she announced before she skipped across the hall and into the bathroom.

In the bedroom, Tony and Ziva looked at the door, stunned. "Did that just happen?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yes," Ziva confirmed, nodding her head with a look of wonder on her face. If anyone had doubted that Penny was truly Tony's daughter, they would have been proved wrong in that instant alone.

"Whoa," Tony muttered.

"See, you should not be so worried," Ziva told him, turning back to the conversation they'd been having before. "Look at how you are affecting her."

He sighed, moving to the edge of the bed and sitting beside her. "And how, exactly, am I doing that?"

"You insist that you aren't capable of being a father, but the moment she's around you she seems to forget that her mother will not be here much longer," she pointed out.

He shook his head sadly. "That's herreaction, Ziva, not mine."

"It shows that she trusts you," she revealed.

"She hasn't even known me for a day," he argued back.

"But you showed up and rescued her when she was being ill treated." Ziva smiled at him, reaching out and taking his hand in her own. It wasn't a romantic gesture, more of a friendly one, but Tony stared down at their clasped hands. "You have done a good thing, Tony," she whispered to him.

At that moment, Penny came back into the room. Tony was partly glad, because he hadn't known how to react to Ziva's words or her touch. Of course, there were many times when they'd let down their sarcastic exterior around each other and proved that they had each others backs, but it was rare for a physical assurance to come from this. The simple touch of her hand had sent more calm through his body after such stress than any cheap date had done after a hard days work. Part of him suspected that any second she would revert to her usual mannerisms and tell him to stop being ridiculous and they'd go back to their playful fighting and flirting, but the part of his mind that craved this comfort from her in his situation kept hold of her hand, not wanting the moment - this precious moment when they were both letting each other further into their protected core without any consequence - to end.

Penny's yawn took them both out of their trance with each other. "Are you tired?" Tony asked, as she approached the bed. Penny rested her head on Tony's knee, nodding against his jeans. "You better go to bed then," he realised. "You'll have to sleep in my bed."

"Will you stay with me?" she asked him in a tiny, tired voice.

Tony looked up at Ziva, who nodded at him. "Yeah, I'll stay," he assured her.

Ziva stood up from his side. "I should be going," she announced.

Tony's eyes snapped back up to her. "Ziva-"

"You will be fine, Tony," she assured him with a gentle smile.

"But-"

"If you need anything, just call me and I will come back, but for now you could both use a good rest," she instructed.

Tony looked at her for a moment, dangerously close to biting his lip and begging her to stay so that he wouldn't be alone with the three year old he didn't know how to care for, if only for Penny's sake, but he didn't. Instead, he surrendered, realising that she was telling the truth - they both needed the sleep, and he felt comforted knowing that with one phone call she could be back here. "Okay," he nodded, and looked down at Penny, nudging her slightly as she began to fall asleep leaning against his knee. "You going to say goodnight to Ziva, Penny?"

Penny looked up at Ziva with a frown. "You goin' home?" she asked.

Ziva nodded, crouching down to her level. Tony watched interaction between them with interest, wondering when Ziva had learnt to be so good with children or whether it was just a natural thing with women. "Yes, but I shall see you in the morning."

Penny nodded. "Thank you for my bubbles," she said again.

"You're very welcome," Ziva smiled at her. "Lyla tov, Penny." Penny looked at her with confusion, scrunching up her eyes in the same manner as her father. "It means 'goodnight'in Isreali," she informed her.

"Oh," Penny said. "Lyla tov," she repeated, and Tony wondered who sounded cuter; Ziva with her naturally assumed accent where the words rolled effortless off her foreign tongue, or Penny, who stumbled over the words as she tried to clumsily match the pronunciation.

"That's right," Ziva praised her. "You are very gifted with languages, Penny. Now, I shall see you tomorrow. You look after your father, yes?"

She nodded. Ziva smiled warmly as Penny leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. She then turned her attention to her partner once again. "Goodnight, Tony," she smiled.

"You don't have to go," he argued as she stood up once again.

"I have no clothes for tomorrow and I am in desperate need of a shower," she pointed out. She was right, he realised, he just wanted her here for his own selfish reasons. "I meant what I said, however, and if you need me I shall come back."

He smiled at her, looking rather much like a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Thanks," he murmured.

"You're welcome," she nodded, as she moved into the hall. "Goodnight."

He heard the front door close, and then whispered into the silence of the room. "Goodnight, Ziva."

Once in bed, Penny curled up against him. He shook his head slowly at the notion, but didn't move from the position beside her. He didn't want to risk her kicking up a fuss from him moving her out of his arms, so he let her stay there, feeling slightly warmed by her presence, and glad that he wasn't alone for the night. He could no longer hear the television in the background, realising that Ziva must have turned it off before she left. Had the two of them fallen asleep on the couch he'd have been tempted to turn it back on, but instead, the bedroom was silent and empty apart from them, and he was left to the wrath of the deepest corners of his mind.

His first thoughts drifted to Alicia. Alicia had been a friend before his girlfriend, a girl he'd known since college. She'd been the girl who always second guessed him and always turned out to be right. One of her friends was dating one of his, so they always had an excuse to spend time together and whenever he was showing off she was there to put him in his place, whether they were drinking shots or he was trying a new prank. He couldn't count the amount of times she'd said "I told you so".

She'd been there for a lot of things in his life, both good and bad, and it felt strange now to know that she wasn't going to be there for similar moments in their daughter's life. Alicia had been the first girl that he'd ever really opened up to. He remembered taking her to see his mother's tombstone when she couldn't understand why he got so irritable every June. He couldn't remember a time when she hadn't been there until they had broken up, and that's why he had taken it harder than he assumed she had. Clearly with Penny in tow, and knowing that he was the father, she'd suffered with the break up as much as he had, but at least she had a reason to go on. It was leaving Alicia that had started him on a string of one date relationships and too much casual sex.

He wasn't sure he believed what was going on. A part of him wondered if this was still a cruel joke on him to make up for four years of no contact. He felt bad about it, especially about not opening the letters she sent him, but she'd moved house and changed her number and he wasn't about to go to her father's looking for her. It wasn't impossible to find her, but it was for him on his own and he was too aware of keeping his reputation to ask anyone for help. But still...this was Alicia...

She was the girl who had taken care of him at a frat party when he'd ended up drinking too much and vomiting for three hours into the bedding plants outside his rival fraternity. She was the girl who had given him the encouragement to pass his exam into the police force when his father told him he didn't have what it takes. She was the one who snuck him a cheeseburger when he was in hospital after breaking his leg. She was the one who would tell him that his hair was getting too long, the one who would tell him that tanned was one thing but looking like a roasting lobster was a step too far. She was always at his side, the first to tell him when he was doing something wrong and right in line to show him what he was really supposed to be doing.

So why hadn't she given him a chance to know his daughter?

That part of him actually resented her, even though she lay sick and dying away from her daughter in a hospice. Being a father had never been part of his plan, but didn't he deserve the chance for it all the same? He had to admit, there was something about Penny that he couldn't describe, but she had captured a part of his heart already; the part of his heart that had burst at the sight of signs of abuse to his daughter and the part that had whisked her away from those who claimed to be her family. He'd never planned on settling down and raising a family. How can you consider that option when most of the girls don't even hang around for breakfast afterwards? Now, in less than a day he had become a father to a girl who was about to lose her mother. He'd always have to make time for her. He'd have to take her to school when she was older, do parents night and school productions, something that he'd always hated being a part of himself. He'd have to be at her side when she was sick, and to encourage her when she was doing well.

He'd have to grow up.

He didn't think he knew how to be a father. Outside of work he was a complete mess. He seemed to drag everyone around him from one disaster to the next, reading magazines that were really only designed for looking at the pictures, waking up at lunchtime on his rare days off and eating leftover pizza for breakfast. He went on dates and got slaughtered, more than often sleeping with a woman he barely knew. He'd go into the line of duty attempting more daring moves than most stunt men wouldn't try. He played loud music, and the language in his favourite films was explicit, not to mention the violence in them. He drove cars that were classic rather than safe and he drove as fast as he could without getting a ticket. He left dirty clothes on his floor until he literally had no change of clothes left.

But now, that would have to change. He couldn't go out all night and bang around as much as he wanted when he got in because Penny would be sleeping. He'd actually have to give a damn about his health and safety, even at work, because of what might happen if he were to come to some mortal harm and then Penny would have no parents. He couldn't play music and moves that would more than likely leave Penny needing a shrink before she turned five. He couldn't drive like he was sitting on a bee because it wasn't safe for her.

"I'm going to be a terrible father," he whispered into the room.

It was the way that Penny looked at him that made feel the most useless. It was the same futile way he'd looked to his father when his mother had died. She looked at him with expectancy, waiting for guidance and wanting to know everything he had to offer because he was the guider, the protector, the parent; and in a child's eyes, parents knew everything. He knew that her eyes were exactly the same as his, but she looked at him like he remembered Alicia looking at him; a locked on expression that didn't change.

"Nu-night, Daddy," she suddently murmered, and he froze, having thought she was already asleep. "Love you."

Catching his breath in his chest, he was silent for a moment. Eventually, in the final moments before she fell asleep, he managed to choke out a reply.

"Um...night, Penny."