Only I would stoop so low as to make a funeral into a romantic moment...

Chapter Sixteen: The Scar's Always There

Tony stood before the mirror in the hall, looking at his reflection. He'd never had a problem wearing a suit before, but this tux was nowhere near as comfortable as it had been when he'd worn it to the last work Christmas party. The collar was choking him so much he'd started to wonder when this designer had started lacing them with a noose. Beside him, Penny clung to his leg, looking at herself. Unlike him, she wasn't wearing black. Alicia had been very firm on the fact that she should be able to wear whatever she wanted to the funeral, and she hadn't got any black clothes anyway. Tony had made a convenient point of avoiding them when they were taken shopping by Jenny and Ziva. Instead, she was wearing a blue Disney princess dress…Cinderella, she had informed him that morning. In fact, that was more or less the only words she'd spoken to him. It was baby blue in colour, covered in places with glitter. When she rubbed the dress against his suit it was leaving faint traces of sparkles, but he made no move to brush them away.

He swallowed a lump in his throat as he watched her; so fragile, so broken…his fragile, broken princess. "Do you want pigtails today?" he asked her.

She shook her head against his leg.

"Okay, shall we just leave your hair down?" he asked, running his fingers through the bottoms of it.

She nodded, still trying to stare down her reflection.

He stroked her hair down. "Don't worry, okay? It's going to be okay."

She didn't react to his words, and he stood there, tracing his hands through her hair until Gibbs was standing in the hall with them. "It's time to go," he told them quietly.

Tony nodded, looking down at Penny. "Time to go," he repeated.

--

He found himself staring straight ahead with mixed emotions. There, on a raised platform before him, was Alicia's white coffin. Part of him wanted to laugh at this. There was no way that was Alicia in there. She was claustrophobic. He remembered that from college, junior year, when he'd got drunk and accidentally locked them in a closet together. She wouldn't sit still a coffin, right? The other part of him wanted to break down, to run away. He didn't want to face up to reality. Today meant that she was never coming back. Today marked the end more than her actual death did.

Explaining the white box to Penny had been harder than accepting it himself. When he told her that Alicia was inside of it, she'd broken away from him and run towards it. He'd followed her, but not before she'd had the chance to try and lift the coffin lid. She wanted to get to her mother. So close to her, yet further away than ever. The lid was too heavy for her to lift, and she'd collapsed into tears; noisy, angry sobs that had Tony welling up himself. This is why he had been glad he'd opted for a closed casket at the funeral. He could hardly imagine how difficult this would be for Penny if she'd actually been able to see her mother's face again. He'd had a nightmare about her trying to climb into the coffin with Alicia.

As she sobbed to Tony that her mother would be scared in the dark all alone, Tony had led her to the front pew, sitting her down in his arms. She buried her face in his neck and he rocked her, stroking her hair, but there was nothing he could say or do that would make this all right, not today. Not today. Gibbs took a place beside them, and he sat silently, more like a pillar of strength than comfort.

Tony watched as, just before the service began, a few girls walked in and sat down in the pews on the other side. None of them gave Tony or Penny any recognition. He closed his eyes and shook his head. "I can't go through with this, boss," he said, almost glad that Penny's sobbing into his neck meant that she wouldn't hear his words.

"Yes, you can," Gibbs said simply.

"I hate that people expect me to be brave," he said, his words aggressive, but sounding like a scared little boy all the same.

"No one's expecting that of you."

"I'm scared shitless, Gibbs."

Gibbs looked at Tony, seeing a reflection of Penny in his eyes. He'd buried friends and coworkers before, but he'd never seen him so cut up at a funeral service. Not even at Kate's. He'd seen him break down after Kate's funeral and almost break his hand on a wall, but never had he seen his agent in such an emotional wreck. This time, the funeral was different, the goodbye was different…this time, he had someone who needed him to be strong. Someone who would need him forever, but at the same time still needed the woman who they were saying goodbye to. "I know. But you can do this."

"I don't want to," Tony said, shaking his head before he pressed it against Penny's hair. He turned it to the side so that he was facing in Gibbs' direction, but had his eyes firmly on the coffin before them. "I don't want to do this to her. Why did this have to happen?"

Seeing the open tears that Tony didn't even try to hide today, Gibbs put hand on Tony's shoulder. "You're not on your own today, DiNozzo," he reminded him.

Tony was silent. He knew that he should listen to Gibbs, because he knew more than anyone what it was like to bury someone so close to you. More than that, he knew what it was like to be a father. "Does it ever get any easier?" he choked out.

"No," Gibbs said. "The pain heals, but the scar's always there." He noticed the hold that Penny and Tony seemed to have on each other. Penny's arms were tightly around his neck, almost mimicking the hold that Tony had on her torso. She was sobbing into his neck, while he released his tears onto her hair. "You still have Penny."

He took a deep breath, taking his eyes away from the coffin and looking down at Penny. "When I first found her, I thought she looked like me," he remembered. "Now, I can't look at her without seeing Alicia…"

"You can do this, Tony," Gibbs assured him, stroking Penny's hair. "Do it for her."

Tony took another breath, trying to control the shuddering in it. "For her," he repeated.

"For Penny."

"I can do this," he said, with little confidence but still more than he'd had earlier.

Gibbs nodded. "You can."

But he still struggled to hold it together when the music began and Penny started sobbing even harder.

--

By the time they'd finished saying their private goodbyes to Alicia, the girls who had attended on the other side of the room were already gone. Clearly they weren't hanging around to say their own goodbyes to the woman who was a close friend to them. He came out of the viewing room, holding Penny close against him. She wasn't crying anymore, having cried herself to near exhaustion, but he held her head against his shoulder, trying his best to soothe the whimpers that escaped her when she had the energy.

When he reached the pews, he found that Gibbs was not alone anymore. In the row directly behind him were Ziva, then Abby and McGee, and then Jenny and Ducky just behind them. Tony looked at them through his bleary eyes.

"What are you doing here?" he asked them.

"I asked them to come," Gibbs told him.

"Why?"

"It's hard to do this alone," Gibbs told him for the umpteenth time.

Tony looked at Penny, then at the others, who all offered him small smiles of warmth, and back to Gibbs. "I'm not alone, though," he pointed out, like a child himself, unsure and uncertain now faced with the cruelty of the world.

"No," Gibbs agreed, "and now you know that."

--

Somehow, they found themselves in Jenny's back garden. There was no wake, because only Tony and Penny were left mourning at the end of the service, but they wanted to stay together so that the father and daughter knew they were not alone. None of them knew Alicia at all, let alone well enough to mourn her passing, so they busied themselves with other things, not attempting to lift their spirits but ready in case they were needed by either of them. The weather was nice, so Tony didn't mind sitting in the garden, watching the team around him as the sun went down. He was in a sun chair, cradling Penny against his chest as she still refuses to leave his arms.

Ducky and Gibbs were standing over a barbecue, at the moment working on some sausages. Abby and McGee seemed to be in a world of their own in another part of the garden. He had no idea what was making them so happy, but he was glad someone was happy today. Ziva and Jenny were standing at the other end of the veranda, deep in conversation about something, he didn't know what, but he was finding it increasingly hard to ignore the weight of Ziva's worried eyes on him.

When the food that Ducky and Gibbs seemed to be in charge of over at the barbecue was finished, Tony leaned his head closer to Penny. "Are you hungry?" he asked her. She shook her head. "Do you want a drink?" This time, she nodded. "What do you want?"

In a tiny voice, she replied: "Juice."

"Okay, let's go and ask Auntie Jenny," he announced. He stood up, and went over to the other side of the veranda, where Jenny and Ziva were standing. "Have you got any juice?" he asked her. "Penny's thirsty."

"Of course," she said, before looking at Penny. "Would you like to come and choose some, Penny?"

Penny's only reply was to burrow further against Tony's neck, hiding away from everyone.

"Sorry," Tony said awkwardly. "I'll get it myself."

"No, I'll get it," Jenny told him. "You two stay here."

Tony stood helpless as Jenny disappeared inside, leaving him alone with Ziva. Even today, of all days, he realised that this was the first time he had been alone with her since her date with Adam. It's the first time he's actually seen her. Now, in the sunset light, the golden glow of her skin warmed the icy hold on his heart. Since when had he started thinking of her as beautiful rather than hot? He shook the thought from his head. Today was not the day, and she was Adam's girl now, not that she was ever his own to begin with. It still made him want to hurt Adam for having the chance to hold her last night.

"What you did today was not easy," Ziva acknowledged.

Tony shook his head, readjusting his hold on Penny. "No, it wasn't. But thank you."

"For coming?"

"For not asking me how I am," he said. "All anyone ever does anymore is ask me how I am, how I'm holding up…seems like a useless question, really."

"I cannot ask you that," she told him. "I know that you are not okay."

He shook his head, looking into a part of the garden where he knew his eyes wouldn't land on anyone. "I thought I'd be able to get through today, but…"

"You did," she pointed out.

"Barely."

"You were there for your daughter," Ziva reminded him.

"You guys were there for me."

She reached out, putting a hand on his arm. His skin burned under her touch. "We are your friends, Tony. What did you expect?"

He shrugged. "Not for all of you to take time out of work just to watch me get upset."

"That is not why we cane, Tony, and you know that."

He smiled weakly, even though his heart wasn't in it. "I'd hug you, you know, to thank you, but I've kinda got my hands full right now."

Ziva's smile contained more warmth, and she put her arms around both him and Penny. "You are welcome, Tony."

"Thank you," he whispered.

Jenny came back with a plastic cup of juice, and Ziva stepped back. "Here."

Tony took the cup. "Thanks." With some manoeuvring, he managed to help Penny drink from the cup, and then returned her head to his shoulder when it was empty. "Is that better?" She nodded. "Are you sure you're not hungry?" She shook her head, and Tony looked worried.

"Has she eaten today?" Jenny asked him.

"Only breakfast. She keeps insisting that she's not hungry."

"It's been a hard day for her," she reminded him. "For both of you. She'll eat when she feels hungry."

"I hope so," he sighed.

"She will," Jenny assured her.

Abby approached them, silently hugging Tony but pulling back in surprise when a farting sound is heart. "Uh…Tony…"

"That wasn't me," he covered. "It was Bertha."

"Who's Bertha?" Jenny asked.

Tony moved a little, revealing the purple hippo that Abby had given Penny. "Apparently Bert is a boy, so this one has to be a girl. Hence, Bertha."

"Clever name," Abby praised.

"Apparently they're going to have Bert-babies together," Tony continued, remembering how Penny had described this to him over dinner the night before.

Abby looked thrilled. "I could start a Bert-business!" She put a hand on Penny's back, rubbing it gently. "Looks like we're going into business together, Pen-Pen."

Abby stood with them for a while as they talked, even though Tony was mainly listening. It was nice to catch up the things he had been missing at work, but the moment was broken when he heard Penny's voice in his ear.

"Daddy?"

He bent his head, whispering back to her. "Yes, Princess?"

"Wanna go home."

"Okay." He lifted his head, looking at the others. "We're going to head home, guys. Penny's tired. Thanks for today, you didn't have to be there."

"Yeah, we did," Abby smiled.

"Well…thanks."

He made his way through the team, saying his goodbyes until he found himself in the hall on their own. He helped Penny put her coat on, surprised to see that his hands were shaking at the zipper. He could barely move it because of his trembling. Terror gripped him, and he shut his eyes tightly. They were really alone together now. Alicia definitely wasn't going to come back by some miracle of God. She was gone forever. It was just him and Penny. The two of them. A little girl who missed her mother and a father who wasn't sure he could do a good job raising her.

Ad then there were hands on his, helping him. They wrapped around his own, guiding the zipper up until Penny's jacket was completely closed. But afterwards, the hands did not release him. They remained wrapped around his, waiting patiently until his trembling had ceased. He opened his eyes and stared at them, trying to focus his breathing on remaining as steady as the hands that held his. Gentle hands. Caring hands. Familiar hands.

"Ziva…" he whispered, almost pleadingly with his voice shaking.

He felt a hand run over his hair briefly, comforting him as if he were a child. It had been what he was doing to comfort Penny, running a hand through her hair. They were alike in that way as well, as having their hair played with relaxed them. He let out a breath, and raised his eyes to look at her. She was less than three inches from him, watching him with concerned eyes. Yet, she didn't condescend him. She didn't ask him what was wrong, how she could help, or whether he was okay. Because like she'd said before, she knew. She knew what was wrong. She knew how to help. She knew that he wasn't okay. Because even though Gibbs was like the father he'd always wanted his biological father to be, and even though Abby was like a sister to him and he'd worked with McGee longer…Ziva still knew him best. He couldn't describe it. She just got him. She understood why he needed everyone one minute but needed solitude the next. She knew. She always seemed to know.

Her hand stopped its motion, resting on the back of his neck as he stared at her, looking at her for what to do next. "Take Penny home, get some sleep," she told him quietly. "If you need me tonight, call me." He nodded numbly, taking her words in. Go home. Get some sleep. He knew what to do now, for tonight at least. "I am here for you, Tony," she assured him. "Both of you."

She allowed her hand to fall as he stood up, bringing Penny onto his hip. She immediately buried her face against him in the same way she had done all afternoon. "Say goodbye to Ziva, Penny," he prompted his daughter softly.

Penny lifted her head, leaning out and putting her arms around Ziva's neck before planting a sloppy kiss on her cheek. "Bye, Ziva," she whispered in her tiny voice.

Ziva gave her a smile, stroking her cheek. "Laila Tov, Tateleh."

Tony looked at her as Penny replaced her head against his shoulder once more, an action he was become more than used to now. He kept his eyes trained on hers for a moment, waiting to see whether this was the extent of their exchange, but when she didn't move to return to the others he bent forward and kissed her cheek. It was only gentle, but he lingered his lips against her skin for a moment. A moment more than he should do, if only to refresh the memory to his lips as to what she tasted like. Ziva. She just tasted like Ziva. Just like he remembered. When he pulled back, he looked almost embarrassed, appearing more like a lost little boy than he had done all day. "Ziva…"

"You are welcome, Tony," she assured him.

As Tony turned and left, closing the front door behind him, she remained there for a moment. Both of her cheeks burnt, one kissed by a broken child and the other by a broken man - both of whom she cared for. Moving to the window, she watched as they got into Tony's car and drove away, wishing that she could do more for them, especially as Tony's partner. Of all the nights to go to his apartment and just be with them for the evening, it should have been tonight.

Her cell phone rang, startling her out of her thoughts. Adam's name flashed on the caller I.D. She bit her lip…what was the emotion running through her at that moment, when she saw his name? Was it guilt?

A better question: why did she feel guilty?

--

Almost like a routine, Tony helped Penny into her pyjamas. Usually, this was followed by a story, the two of them sat side by side on her bed, propped up with pillows. Sometimes, she'd fall asleep during the story, and he'd either stop there when he realised or he'd carry on reading in silence, depending on whether or not he'd read the story to her before. Some of them had deeper meanings than just happily ever after, and he actually found himself curious as to how it ended. Not tonight, though. He helped her into her pyjamas and then took her from her bedroom and placed her down in his bed.

Skipping the goodnight story, the song, the glass of warm milk…everything that had set up their nightly routine, he climbed onto the bed beside her. He'd removed his tie at Jenny's house, and it was probably still sitting on the veranda beside the chair he'd been sitting in, but he was still wearing his dress shirt and pants. He made no move to take them off; that required an energy he didn't have. Instead, he just lay down next to his daughter, putting his arms around him as she curled up against him.

She fell asleep within minutes, even though when he gazed out of the curtains he could see that the sun was only just setting; the sky a beautiful mix of purples and oranges. Lilac, Penny's favourite colour, could be seen just before the darkest parts where you could already see stars against an inky backdrop. But Penny was sleeping, and that was what mattered. He didn't care whether she woke him up at four in the morning ready to start the day, because tomorrow would be a better day. Tomorrow was the start of everything brand new. Tomorrow had to be better because it certainly couldn't be worse than today. So he let her sleep, and for a while he just watched her, knowing that as long as she was sleeping, her heart wasn't hurting.

But his heart was, and it only wanted one thing.

--

As her cell phone started to ring, Ziva rolled over and picked it up. This time, it was Tony's name that featured on the caller I.D., but as she was about to answer the call an arm fell around her waist. "Don't answer," a voice whispered huskily in her ear.

"It's Tony," she explained.

"You're busy," the same voice purred, tightening his hold on her and kissing her neck.

She craned her neck away from him. "It has been a hard day for him, Adam. He might need me. I told him to call if-"

Adam broke away from her, rolling onto his back with a heavy sigh. "He can't keep running to you for everything, Ziva. You're not his mother, and you're not his girlfriend."

She looked away from the ringing phone in her hand, frowning at him. "What are you saying?"

"That you shouldn't answer," he said simply, not wanting to get into the argument about her 'working relationship' with Agent DiNozzo.

She glowered at him. "I am answering," she decided. However, when she accepted the call she discovered that he had just hung up. She sighed, putting the phone back onto the bedside table. "He has gone," she said, almost with regret in her voice.

"Convenient," Adam remarked, returning to kissing her neck. When he moved to her lips, however, she found that her heart wasn't in it as it had been before. She should have answered. She told him to call if he needed her and she hadn't answered….

--

She hadn't answered. That was okay, right? It was okay, he tried to tell himself. He hadn't needed her, he just…needed to hear her voice. She probably couldn't hear her phone if she was still at Jenny's. They were probably drinking and partying…no, she wouldn't be. She'd be worrying about him, more than likely. He put his phone back on the bedside table, and placed his arm over Penny instead.

He just wanted to hear her voice…

He just wanted to know that she wasn't leaving as well. He needed to know that she wouldn't be taken away. He needed her to be the one constant, the only woman in the world who wouldn't be taken away from him. Too many women he'd lost to death; his mother, Kate, Paula, Alicia…who would be next?

The only ones he had left were Abby, Penny and Ziva.

He couldn't lose them.