Chapter Eighteen: If I Ask Again
For the rest of Tony's grievance leave, he shut out the world, just as he had told Ziva he couldn't do. However, this was a different kind of blocking them out; while he continued to ignore every single phone call and message that they left for him, he focused his full attention of keeping Penny. They spent most of their time doing things together; watching movies, listening to music, going to the park…everything that Tony felt he had missed out on without having to watch the DVD that Alicia had left for him. He didn't want to watch it because all it would do was remind him that he hadn't been there for those things when he could easily have been.
On the morning he returned to work, it was clear to everyone that he had been in touch with at least one person, however. Before he sat down at his desk, he took Penny up to Jenny's office, where Cynthia would be watching her while he worked. The second he sat down, however, Ziva moved in to question him, but they were called out before she could get an answer. It was only when they returned at midday that she had a chance to talk to him, and ended up waiting in the hall for him after he had been questioning someone.
"Tony," she said, when he emerged from the interrogation room.
"Did you find out where this guy's brother is?" he asked her, looking at the file in his hands rather than at her.
"Tony, can I speak with you?" she asked him.
"Don't tell me the guy's dead, because he's the only one that can tell us where the drugs are," he complained.
"This is not about the case," she told him.
"Then can we do this later?" he asked her. "We've got a shipment of drugs that has been missing for thirty-six hours and a dealer on the streets who's getting his revenge on half the US Navy because of it."
"Tony!" she snapped, grabbing his arm and holding him in place. He glared down at her, but she didn't remove her hand. "You have not answered a single call in over a week," she said pointedly.
"I've been busy."
"Doing what?"
"Getting to know my daughter," he told her stupidly.
"Clearly you have spoken to Jenny, as arrangements have been made for Penny while you are working," she observed.
"It was a necessity," he said simply. "I didn't want to get her a nanny. I was raised by several nannies, it was a nice excuse for my father to do as little as possible for me. I don't want that for her."
"You could have at least answered one call," she told him. "We are all worried about you, Tony."
"Well, you shouldn't be," he said. "I can take care of myself and Penny just fine."
"Yes, you can take care of Penny, but whether or not you can take care of yourself is questionable," she told him.
"Meaning?"
"You are exhausted, Tony," she pointed out. "You have dark circles under your eyes, you have lost weight…"
He ripped his arm from her grasp, glaring at her more than ever. "You're not my mother, Ziva. Don't talk to me like I need taking care of."
"Do you?" she asked simply.
"I'm fine."
"I believe otherwise."
"Then you go ahead and believe that, I've got work to do."
"Work can wait," she said, batting down the folder that he went to raise again.
"No, Ziva, it can't!" he shot at her. "Not for me. I need to find this guy's brother, get him back in that room and charge him, and I need to do that quickly. I'm not taking Penny home for dinner gone midnight. I can't slack off just to waste time anymore."
With that, he walked off, heading back towards the bullpen. Of course, she followed him, not dropping her argument. "Why are you so opposed to accepting help?" she asked.
"Because I don't need help," he said simply. "I've got everything covered just fine."
"A week, Tony," she reminded him. "Anything could have happened in a week."
"What? Afraid that I might do something stupid?"
"No, I just-"
"You just what?" he asked, spinning on his heel to face her again . By now they were in the centre of the bullpen and people were starting to stare at them. "I appreciate that you're trying to help, Ziva, I really do, but I loved Alicia once. I really cared for her and she died. She's gone now, and she's never coming back. Did you ever consider that I might need to get that straight in my head still? I need to do this my own way and no one else's, and if shutting out the world helps then that's what I'll do!"
"What about Penny?" she challenged him. "She's your daughter."
"She's Alicia's daughter too."
"You are not the only person who needs considering in this situation, Tony!" she said, raising her voice to match his.
"Don't you think I know that?"
"DINOZZO! DAVID!" Silence fell over them both as Gibbs' booming voice came at them from the staircase. They looked at them and then started to stare each other down. "What the Hell is going on here?"
"Ziva's-"
"I know exactly what Ziva's doing, DiNozzo," he cut him off.
"Good, then you can tell her to stop it because I don't need anyone taking care of me," he said like a petulant teenager.
"I am only worried for you, Tony. You do not speak to anyone for a week, we were worried-"
"You're not my wife, Ziva!" he yelled at her. She was actually shocked by this, and visibly stepped back at his words. "You don't need to keep track of me every second of the day. You don't need to worry about me. You don't need to care. So just leave it."
"ENOUGH. Both of you," Gibbs shouted over them again. They stopped. "You're scaring Penny."
Guiltily they looked up, Penny was standing on the landing with Cynthia and Director who had come to see what was happening. The young girl was clinging to Jenny's leg, looking terrified. After all, Tony and Ziva were her favourites in this place. Daddy and Ziva. Daddy and Ziva who helped each other and didn't fight. Tony rubbed his face, the situation sinking in.
"Ziva…" he started, but when he looked at her she was already gone. Gibbs was standing in her place. "Boss, I-"
"I don't care, DiNozzo. You don't bite of someone's head just for trying to help."
"Help?" he half-laughed. "You think what she's doing is helping?"
"No, but it might be if you let it," Gibbs pointed out.
Tony almost pouted. "I don't need anyone's help," he insisted.
"Never said you did," he said simply. "But partners look out for each other, and if you've hurt her with what you just said then I'm going to let her used whatever Mossad techniques she wants on you."
"Boss-"
"Fix this, DiNozzo," he instructed. "Today."
--
Gibbs' words stayed in his head for the remainder of the afternoon, and that was how he ended up sitting the elevator when he was meant to be at home. Penny was sat on the floor beside him, the two of them leaning against the back wall. Of course, they got plenty of strange looks from the agents who actually were going home, but Tony ignored them. Penny pulled a funny face as she looked up at him.
"Why are we in here, Daddy?"
"We're waiting for Ziva," he told her.
"Why here?"
"Because she'll have to come in here to go home."
"Why don't you go see her at her desk?" she asked.
How do you explain the complexities of adult arguments to a child? "Because I don't think she wants to see me right now," he explained.
"Is it because you were yelling at her?"
He winced. "You heard that, huh?"
She nodded. "Lots of people did."
"I'm sorry," he said shamefully.
"Is Ziva still my friend?" she asked strangely.
"Do you want Ziva to be your friend?" She nodded. "Then yeah, she's your friend."
"Isn't Ziva your friend anymore?" she asked him, hesitating clearly because she was wary of the answer.
"Yeah, of course she is," he assured her hurriedly.
"Then why did you yell at her?" she asked him. "You don't yell at your friends, it's not nice."
Tony skirted around this answer as well, mainly because he didn't know what had possessed him to shout at her like that. "Penny, sometimes when grown ups get scared they do things that they don't mean to do," he explained.
"You yelled Ziva because you were scared?"
"Yeah, sort of."
"What were you scared of?" she questioned.
"I was scared that she was right," he told her, brushing down a piece of her hair that had worked its way out of it's hair band that morning.
"Was she right?"
He nodded sadly. "Yeah, she was."
"Are you scared of Ziva?" she asked him.
He shook his head defensively. "I'm not scared of her."
"I think you're wrong."
He looked down at her again, amused to see her smirking at him. "I'm not scared of her," he repeated.
"Are you gonna say sorry?" she asked him. "If you make someone mad or you make them cry then you have to say sorry 'cause it's the good thing to do."
"Yeah, I'm gonna tell her I'm sorry," he assured her.
"Is that why we're waiting in the 'levator?" she asked him.
"Yeah."
"Is she gonna be a long time yet?" she asked him.
"I don't know. Why, are you tired?"
She nodded. "And hungry."
He laughed. She was more like him than she knew sometimes. "You can go to sleep if you want, and I'll wake you up for some dinner when we get home," he told her.
"Okay."
Within minutes she'd fallen asleep against him. He brought her into his lap so that she was resting against his shoulder rather than the elevator wall. About half an hour later the elevator doors opened, and this time it wasn't a random person, it was Ziva. She looked at him strangely.
"Tony?"
"Hey," he said simply, suddenly realising how stupid he looked.
"Why are you sitting in the elevator?" she asked him.
"I'm waiting for you," he said simply.
"I have been sitting at my desk since you left," she reminded him.
"I know," he nodded. "I just figured you might want to be alone…or that you didn't want to see me…but I'm hoping for the alone part."
"I did, for a while," she said. There was a silence, and she shut the elevator off, suspending it in mid air so that they would not be interrupted when she sat down next to him. "I heard Gibbs yelling at you."
"Yeah, he sure ripped me a new one," he remembered.
"I did not think he would do that."
"I did," he realised. "You and Abby…you're like daughters to him. It was the same with Kate. I know that when I do wrong and piss you off or hurt you he's always going to knock the sense back into me. Sometimes literally. Most of the time, actually. I understand that more with Penny around."
She nodded. "You would do the same for her."
"We gotta protect our girls."
She smiled slightly. "Gibbs does not realise that I do not need protecting from you."
"I know, but I understand why he does it." He looked down at Penny, and then back at Ziva. "I'm sorry, Ziva."
"Is apologizing not a sign of weakness?" she teased him.
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't apologize," he pointed out, taking her hand in his. Thing got better for him when she was holding his hand, so maybe he could make things right the same way. "You were right. I'm sorry. You were just trying to help and I was being my usual pig-headed stubborn self."
"Yes, you were."
"It's just…I have to be the strong one for Penny," he told her, "and it's hard trying to do that if I'm accepting help left, right and centre."
"You do not have to accept all the help, Tony," she told him. "You just need to accept that it is there when you do need it."
"I know," he nodded. "I know that now."
"Good," she smiled.
"And…I'm really sorry for yelling at you like that. You can, uh…go ahead and go all Mossad Ninja on me next time I do that," he allowed her.
"Oh, there will not be a next time," she assured him confidently. "You would not get as far as you did today."
"Really, Ziva…I…"
"Do not apologize again, there is no need," she told him, squeezing the hand that held hers.
He smiled back. "Want to join us for a late dinner?"
"Is this a way of making amends?" she asked him.
"If that's what you think Italian food is," he nodded.
"Then yes," she laughed. "It is."
--
They ate dinner with Penny, before putting her to bed for the night. She'd been more exhausted than he'd realised, and had barely stayed awake long enough to eat. After she'd fallen asleep in her own bed, Tony returned to the living room where Ziva was, where they watched a movie together (she hadn't seen Airplane yet, and that disgusted him). However, when midnight approached it was time for her to leave, but he checked on Penny before. When he came back, she was standing in his open doorway, ready to leave.
"Still out like a light…" he said. Ziva frowned at him. "Uh…fast asleep," he corrected himself.
"Oh," she realised. "Well, thank you for dinner."
"Thank you for coming," he countered.
"A dinner invitation from you that does not involve the food arriving by delivery boy is a rare treat," she teased him.
"I take it you enjoyed my cooking?"
She seemed to consider this. "Hmm…it was not bad."
"Not bad? You're kidding, right?"
"I guess we shall see next time," she said simply.
"How about we make that next time tomorrow?" he asked her boldly.
She looked at him guiltily. "I am seeing Adam tomorrow evening."
"Oh," he said, looking crestfallen. "Oh, okay."
"You do not like him," she realised.
"No, I don't," he told her. What was the use in lying to her? She'd be able to tell straight away.
"Because you are jealous?"
"No," he answered quickly. Almost too quickly. "I just don't trust him. I don't want you to get hurt."
"I do not want you to be hurt either," she said quietly, and he looked confused. "You are a dear friend to me, Tony. Seeing you in so much pain and knowing that there is little I can do to help is a horrible feeling. Even if you hide your pain from everyone else, please do not think that you must hide it from me," she told him.
He smiled awkwardly. "Thanks."
"You do not need to keep thanking me, Tony. I would do anything for you."
Her words sounded more romantic when said out loud, and she even looked a little embarrassed afterwards. When their eyes met again, he found himself leaning in, even more so when she wasn't pulling away. Both of their hearts pounded in a perfect rhythm. Was he about to kiss her? Was he? He realised that he was, and remembered what he was doing, remembered Adam, remembered that Adam made her happy, and he stopped, resting his head against her forehead instead. They both closed their eyes to avoid looking at each other.
"Stay," he whispered.
"I cannot," she told him regretfully.
"Please?"
"Do not ask this of me, Tony," she said, a pleading tone in her voice that told him that she actually wanted to stay.
"If I ask you again, will you stay?" he tested.
"Yes, so do not ask," she told him. "You are hurting and it would not be fair to Adam."
"Right," he breathed. "Adam."
"Tony…"
"I just…I don't understand," he told her.
"You do not understand what?"
He bit his lip, clenching his eyes closed tightly for a moment. "How can what you have with Adam be so great…how can it be real…if he can stand to be away from you for four months at sea, and …and I can't even stand to be away from you for four minutes?"
He opened his eyes, finding that hers were already open and looking directly back at him. She looked stunned, but still beautiful. If he hadn't moved in to kiss her before he certainly would have done now. She was about to answer him when there was a call from behind him.
"Daddy. I had a bad dream."
Tony turned back to Ziva, but she stopped him from speaking. "I will see you tomorrow. Thank you for dinner. Goodnight."
She was gone before he could say another word, and he stared down the hall in her absence. "Goodnight…" he whispered after her.
"Daddy…" Penny whined, now beside him.
He picked her up, resting her against him as he walked back to her bedroom. "Come on, princess, let's read another story."
A/N: See, I get reviews saying that you all love that they're not just jumping into bed with each other…I bet you regret sending those now! Give me an inch and I'll take a mile, guys. How many near misses can I give them before you hunt me down and kill me?