Chapter Twenty Three: Scared You Can't Do It?

Okay, he'd promised himself that he wasn't going to bring this up again, but he just had to. After a few minutes of eating in silence, he'd realised what that expression on her face had been. Or at least, what he'd assumed it to be. He snapped his fingers. "I get it now!" he announced.

She looked up at him strangely. "You get what?"

"The whole staring into the distance thing when you talk about kids," he reminded her. She looked away, taking the opportunity to drink some of the wine Tony had poured them. "You're getting broody, aren't you?" he realised.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, you're getting broody," he repeated, a smug grin on his face.

"That is quite an assumption," she noted.

"I don't hear you denying it."

"I am denying it," she told him.

"Go on then, deny it," he encouraged her. "Say 'I am in no way whatsoever feeling maternal being around Penny', and you're not allowed to smile or laugh when you say it."

"You do remember that I have been trained by Mossad, yes?" she smiled at him.

He leaned across the table a little, trying to stare her down. "Scared you can't do it?" he teased her.

She met his eyes, holding his gaze. "I am in no way whatsoever feeling maternal being around Penny," she told him.

However, she was oblivious to the fact that she was smiling through the entire statement. "Gotcha," he told her, leaning back triumphantly.

"What?"

"You smiled."

"Tony-"

"It's the rules of the game, Zee-vah. You can't smile, otherwise you don't mean what you're saying. Which means there's a part of Ziva David that wants to be a mother."

Her eyes dropped, and she reached for her wine. "I will never be a mother," she said quietly into her glass.

"Sure you will," he told her. "I mean, it's only natural now. You're not Mossad anymore, technically, you're NCIS. That's a lot safer even if there are risks."

"No, Tony, you misunderstood," she told him, and he stopped, the cheeriness fading from his face at her tone. "I am not capable of having children of my own," she told him - the first person she had ever admitted this to aloud.

Embarrassed, he busied himself in his food. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"Don't be," she said, forcing a small smile so that the tone of the evening wasn't dragged down by the past. "You do not have to be a mother to be part of a child's life," she pointed out.

He nodded slowly, watching as she drank more wine. "I'd like it if you were a part of Penny's life," he told her seriously.

"You would?"

He nodded. "You've been more help to us than anyone since she arrived here, and Penny's crazy about you."

She smiled. "Thank you, Tony. That means a lot to me."

He raised his glass, and she followed suit, toasting to the remains of a happier evening.

--

Later, they sat on the couch, more wine in their glasses. There was old Sinatra swing playing in the background, low in volume but enough for Tony to recognise and sing along to some of his favourites; his bad singing making a rather tipsy Ziva giggle like a small girl into her wine. Of course, this only encouraged Tony more. However, he'd had to stop when the phone rang: Penny, ringing to say goodnight because she couldn't possibly go to sleep without Daddy saying goodnight to her.

"Did you have something nice for dinner…" Ziva listened to him say down the phone. "Really?…wow, that was nice of Uncle Gibbs to show you his boat," he said rather pointedly, rolling his eyes. Ziva bit back another laugh, which was hard because of the quantity of wine they'd drunk. Neither were completely intoxicated, but it had definitely loosened up a number of knots. "…No, I don't know how he's going to get it out of the basement…I'm sure if you ask him nicely he'll read your story for you…okay, Penny…I'll see you in the morning, okay? …Be good…Goodnight, Princess."

He hung up the phone and leaned back against the couch, still carefully balancing his wine. This time, however, he sighed. His mind was at ease now that he knew Penny was very clearly safe in Gibbs' house.

"He showed her the boat?"

He nodded. "I told you he would. I was right."

"All that has proved is that your ego is too large," she told him.

He faked a look of hurt. "I'm not egotistical."

At this, Ziva scoffed. "You have one of the biggest egos on the planet, Tony."

"No, I haven't."

"Yes, you have."

And so, they continued bickering, with the sound of Frank Sinatra crooning away in the background.

I could show the world how to smile
I could be glad all of the while
I could change grey skies to blue
If I had you.

"I'm just proud of myself," he defended.

"That is the same thing, yes?" she teased.

"No, it's not," he said pointedly. "I can be proud of things other than myself, see…like Penny sleeping in her own bed now…" he smiled to himself. "Actually, I'm proud of a lot of things that Penny does…and I'm proud of my Probie, about to be a father…" he stole a look at her, noticing that she was watching him in intrigue. "And I'm proud of you, you know," he added quietly.

"Me?"

"Yeah, really proud," he nodded.

She looked slightly confused, a look which he found quite cute. Of course, he could never tell her that - he valued his life too much. "Penny is growing into a beautiful young girl, Abby and McGee are bringing a child into the world together…yet you are proud of me for doing nothing?"

"I mean it, Ziva," he said, readjusting himself in the chair so that he was facing her more. He loved this Sinatra song, but he knew that Ziva needed to hear what he had to say rather than his terrible Ol' Blue Eyes impression. "You've had a tough life from what I've heard, and that's not even including all the stuff you'd have seen and done with Mossad. I hate to bring up bad memories and all, but you lost half your family…I can't even imagine how hard that is. Sure, I mean, I've lost people…but I never had a big family, let alone had good relationships with them. You did. It would be heartbreaking for anyone in a normal environment. I don't think anyone else can do what you did…to take that pain and try and direct it to a greater cause…I couldn't. It takes heart…and a lot of bravery."

I could leave the old days behind
Leave all my pals, I'd never mind
I could start my life anew
If I had you

Ziva wondered how they'd fallen into a habit of too-close conversations sitting too-close on this couch. His arm was resting on the back of the couch, and they were once again sitting sideways, facing one another - their usual position. She looked away, feeling uncomfortable in the sudden closeness now that it was her and her own emotions under the microscope, as it were. Her wine held her gaze, and she swirled it in the glass a little. "I do not feel so brave anymore," she admitted quietly.

"I think you are," he told her honestly.

"Yes, Tony, but you are biased," she said tiredly.

"How so?"

"You are my partner," she said simply. "You are supposed to tell me whatever I need to hear in order for me to get the job done."

She could still feel his eyes burning into her face, despite the fact that she had looked away moments ago. "Being your partner means that I get to be the first person who tells you that you're being brave," he corrected her. "And I mean it," he insisted. "Just like I'd have meant what I was going to say earlier."

"And what was that?"

It was only when she replied that he realised what he'd said. Stupid wine. He'd meant to say the last part in his head. Now, however, he'd landed himself in a hole and a ninja Mossad agent staring at him. "I didn't say it because you said that you couldn't have kids and I didn't want to upset you, but…" he sighed. "I think you'd be a great mom, Ziva."

To his surprise, she didn't cause him any harm. Instead, she smiled. "Thank you, Tony. You are a great father," she complimented in return.

He felt his own smile forming. "Thanks."

I could climb a snow-capped mountain
Sail the mighty ocean wide
I could cross the burning desert
If I had you by my side

And to neither of their surprise, they found themselves leaning upon each other on the couch again. Of course, even though they were quite drunk and much more at ease with each other, so much so that neither of them moved when Tony's hand fell upon her hip and Ziva's slung over his stomach, nothing else happened. However, they stayed there, locked in place, until…

"I should be going," Ziva realised, moving to sit up.

"Wait," Tony said quickly, tightening his hold on her.

"What am I waiting for?" she asked, when after a few moments he said nothing more.

"I don't know," he realised. "Just….stay for a while longer."

She placed her head on his shoulder, wordlessly assuring him that she was staying for the while he had requested. And they stayed there silently, the sound of Sinatra lulling them into peace.

I could be a king, dear, on crown
Humble or poor, rich or renowned
There is nothing I couldn't do
If I had you
Baby, if I had you

--

Just as Tony had assured her, Penny was pleased to find that Gibbs had not only read her the bedtime story, he'd also sat on the edge of the bed to do it like she'd asked him to. She was in the spare room at Gibbs' house. He knew that there was still a child's bedroom up in the loft, converted into Kelly's bedroom only weeks before he'd left for the final time; the bedroom she'd asked for because she wanted it decorated in a special way - pink walls, everything always pink, a special den for Kelly.

"Did they live happily ever after?" Penny asked, just before he reached the end.

"Of course," Gibbs nodded.

"How do you know?" she asked him. After all, he hadn't finished the story yet.

"Because the Princess was a good girl," he told her. "If she was naughty then the Prince would have run away very quickly."

Penny screwed up her face. "What a pile of shit."

He sighed. "You don't have to say exactly what your father says all the time," he told her.

"I love my Daddy," she told him with a smile, as if that justified saying the word 'shit' in the middle of a fairytale.

"I know you do."

"Thank you for letting me call him to say goodnight," she smiled, settling back against the pillows as Gibbs raised the covers around her.

"You're welcome."

"Uncle Gibbs, why don't you got any kids?" she asked him.

He was silent for a moment. The question had come out of the blue, but it had raised memories that had been slipping into his mind all night. He had to admit that having a young girl in his house again, the first time since Kelly had been laid to rest, had reawoken the sound of laughter in the house. "I used to," he said sadly. "I used to have a little girl just like you."

"What was her name?"

"Kelly," he said quietly. "Her name was Kelly."

"Where is Kelly now?" she asked him, looking around as if she might be hiding under the bed.

"She isn't here," he told her. "She hasn't been for a long time."

"Does she love somewhere with her Mommy?" Penny asked. "I lived somewhere different from Daddy with my Mommy."

"She had an accident in a car," Gibbs said.

"Did she have to go to the doctors?"

He nodded. "Yes, her and her Mom did."

Penny frowned. She recognised this story. She knew the connection between 'not here' and 'going to the doctors'. "Did they never come back from the doctors?"

He looked away for a moment, shaking his head. "No, they didn't."

"My Mommy had to go to the doctors and she didn't come home too," she told him.

"I know," he said quietly. "You must miss her lots."

"Yeah," Penny said. "Lots and lots. Do you miss Kelly and her Mommy?"

"I do."

"Do you still get sad?" Penny asked him.

"All the time," he admitted.

"I still get sad sometimes too."

Gibbs noticed that Penny was playing with her hands on top of the blankets, and he took them in his own. "It's okay to be sad," he assured her.

"Daddy said it was too."

"He's right," he told her. "When we miss people, it helps us to talk to our friends and our family about them. Then we can remember them happy and smiling."

"I liked it when my Mommy smiled," Penny remembered.

"I bet she smiled a lot with a little girl like you," Gibbs told her, and Penny smiled at this, nodding. "Do you talk to your dad about her?" he asked.

She looked a bit guilty. "Only sometimes."

"Your dad will understand if you want to talk about her," Gibbs told her. "He misses her too."

"Then we can make each other smile," she realised.

He nodded. "That sounds like a good idea."

"Did you like being a Daddy?"

He nodded. "Yes, I did. I liked it very much."

"Do you think my Daddy likes being a Daddy?"

He smiled at her. "He loves being a daddy, especially to you. He told me."

"I think you were a good Daddy," she decided firmly. "You're a bit like a Daddy to my Daddy."

"Because I tell him off sometimes?"

"No, because you take care of him when he's stuck, and when he does something bad you show him how to do it right."

"I guess I do," he nodded.

"Ziva takes care of him when he's stuck too, but Daddy's taking care of her more now," she added.

"Everyone needs taking care of sometimes."

"I like it when Ziva comes to our house," she told Gibbs.

"Do you have fun with Ziva?" he asked, even though he knew that answer to that question.

"Yeah but she makes my Daddy smile too," she explained. "He smiles more when Ziva's at our house. He smiles when he looks at her even when she's not looking at him. I see him smile though."

At this, Gibbs realised what was going on. He remembered looking at Jenny when she didn't look at him from across the bullpen, back when they were partners with no authority between them. He also remembered her looking up and catching him with that smile on his face. He knew there was an attraction between the two of them, that much was obvious to everyone, but was Tony really falling in love with Ziva? He half considered explaining the benefits and reasons behind rule twelve, but realised that Penny was only three and was still having trouble understanding what rules were in general, let alone what it meant when you broke one of his. "You should go to sleep, it's past your bedtime," he told her instead.

He tucked her in again and went to the doorway. He turned off the bedroom light on, as the hall light was on for her, but when he was about to leave she called out. "Uncle Gibbs?" He turned, looking back at her. "Do you think my Mommy is friends with Kelly and her Mommy? I think all angels are friends. Kelly and her Mommy must be angels too because you look like you remember them as angels like I remember my Mommy."

He nodded, smiling at that thought; the thought of Shannon and Kelly not only being happy where they were, but also being together. The thought that had plagued him for many nights was that his daughter and her mother had ended up in two separate places, where Shannon would spend all eternity separated from her precious daughter, and Kelly would be afraid without either of her parents. "Yeah, I think they're all angels together," he nodded.

"Heaven friends," Penny named them.

--

Back at Tony's apartment, him and Ziva were still lying on the couch in each others arms. Neither wanted to move now, but they had been silent for a long while, only the sound of Sinatra lulling them in the background.

The world is full of people, but none like you

"Are you still awake?" Tony asked her.

"Yes," she whispered in reply.

"I think I will be all night," he confirmed.

They're ordinary people, but none like you

She understood why immediately. "Penny is with Gibbs, Tony. She could hardly be safer."

"I know, I just worry."

"That is why you are a good father," she nodded against him. "You should not doubt yourself so much."

"I'll try not to in the future," he said, just to humour her. He knew that he still had a lot of self-doubt to get through yet.

How far away is yesterday before you came along

"Good," she said. "A man with your capability should not have to suffer his own doubt."

"It's not my own doubt," he corrected her. "More of my father's inherited doubt."

"You did not get on, yes?"

"No, he just didn't have any time for me," he told her. "Let alone try and be a father to me, especially after my Mom died."

"You are trying with Penny, Tony," she assured him. "And you are succeeding."

It seemed to be just a dream to me, until you proved here on

"I couldn't have even thought about doing this without all of you guys though," he reminded her. "Especially you."

"I have not done much, Tony," she denied.

"Are you kidding me?" he asked, moving his head a little so that he could see her eyes. "You're as big an influence on Penny as I am, in her eyes. I think you might actually be her best friend already."

The lanes are full of lovers, but none like you

She smiled at this, moving her head again so that she was comfortable. Of course, this also conveniently shielded her eyes from his. "Thank you for making me dinner tonight, Tony. It was wonderful."

"I'm glad Penny made me do it," he agreed. "It's nice to see you this relaxed, especially since Adam."

I shut my eyes to realise this grand surprise is true

She smirked. "According to your daughter, he is a 'dick'."

He groaned. "I've really gotta work on the cussing with her."

"Not that one," she told him. "I think she may have hit the screw on the scalp."

"Nail on the head," he corrected. "She hit the nail on the head."

"Penny tells me that you think I deserve better," she added.

He nodded. "Is this the big secret I'm not meant to know about?"

"Partially," she revealed.

That I'm the lucky one who found you

"Then yeah, I do think you deserve better," he said, no point denying it now. "You need someone who can treat you like the woman you are, rather than just a nightly stop off for some cheating bastard while he's in port every few months."

She smiled against him, an action he felt through his shirt. "Penny is right, you do take care of your girls."

He grinned, definitely pleased that he couldn't be seen now, as she'd have slapped that smile right off his face. "So, you're my girl now, huh?"

"Not as much as Penny is, but you are certainly taking care of me," she pointed out.

He tightened his arm around her. "I've got your back, Ziva. In and out of the field."

"As have I for you," she agreed.

I shut my eyes to realise this grand surprise is you is true

That I'm the lucky one who found you