Chapter Twenty Four: Doesn't Daddy Love Me?

A few more weeks passed, and things became stronger than ever. If anything, they'd hit a routine. Tony had learned how to do pony-tails, but not yet mastered pigtails, which Abby still needed to do for him. On some occasions Ziva would do a French braid, which hung beautifully down her back now that her hair was getting longer. They'd found their balance. They'd found out what they needed to do around each other and they'd settled into that.

Until October the twelfth.

On that morning, the pair came into the office quietly. Usually they walked through together, Penny skipping as she held Tony's hand - this morning she was in Tony's arms, her face hidden against his neck. Rather than taking her straight up to Cynthia, as he did every morning, he took her to his desk, setting down his bag and then placing her in his chair. He started digging through his desk drawers while Ziva and McGee exchanged looks of concern. Eventually, Tony stood straight again, Bertha the hippo in his hands, and he took Penny back in his arms.

"See, I said you'd left her here," he told her, his voice soft but almost silently.

Penny took the hippo silently, the farting hippo not making her giggle for once, and held it closer to her. She placed her head on Tony's shoulder and he left a kiss on her forehead.

"Is everything okay?" McGee asked them.

Tony just turned and looked at him, his glare said it all.

"You're both quiet this morning," he observed.

"Your point?" Tony asked irritant.

McGee looked awkwardly at him. "You're just quiet this morning."

"McGee..." Ziva started, trying to warn him away but Tony cut her off.

"Don't even think about it, Probie," he said, warning in his voice. "Not today."

"October twelfth?" he questioned.

"McGee, leave it," Ziva told him.

Tony went over to McGee's desk, standing over him, Penny still held to him with a strange possessiveness they'd not seen from him before. "Do you know what today is, Probie?"

"Uh...no."

"Mommy's birthday," Penny said in a quiet voice.

McGee was silent, while Tony directed his attention to the girl in his arm. He kissed the top of her head, blocking out everyone else around him. "It's okay, sweetheart," he whispered to her when she held him tighter. Even though they'd all seen him comfort her before, only Ziva had heard that level of tenderness in his voice; the night she had shown up in the middle of the night and Penny had been ill. Only then, when Penny was helpless and clinging to him against sickness, had Tony found the natural father in him that whispered nothing but still helped.

They disappeared, no doubt up to find Cynthia. Once up there, he put Penny down in her usual place. Cynthia didn't even question the mumbled 'thanks' from Tony, but Jenny walked out of her office with a smile. "Good morning," she greeted.

"I wish it was," he grumbled, but caught himself when he noticed who he was talking to. "Sorry, Director."

"Bad day, Agent DiNozzo?" she asked him.

He looked at Penny. "Birthday, actually," he said.

"Penny's?"

"Alicia's," he corrected painfully.

"Would you rather take today as a personal day?" she offered.

He shook his head. "No, we talked about being at home and we'd both rather be here."

"Well, if there's anything I can do, let me know."

"Thank you," he said, before going back over to Penny. He crouched down at her side, and she looked up at him. "I'm only downstairs today, okay? If you want to see me just ask Cynthia and she'll bring you down." Penny nodded, and went back to her drawing. He wasn't sure what she was drawing, but he was pretty sure that today she wasn't going to be drawing 'me and daddy'.

Today she was drawing angels.

Today she was drawing Mommy.

--

However, come lunchtime, Tony's patience and sympathy had turned into a self-loathing and irritable black void. Even walking past his desk seemed to make someone aware of how careful they needed to tread around him. There were no cases that day so the team were confined to their desk, buried in paperwork. He answered Gibbs' questions, but he didn't involve himself in the conversations that Ziva and McGee held in between. He didn't contribute any of his 'insane' theories. He didn't make any juvenile comments. He didn't do anything other than his paperwork.

Across the bullpen, Ziva watched him. She didn't bother to hide the fact she was watching him because he was barely aware of Gibbs calling his name most of the time, so she knew he wouldn't feel his partners eyes hovering over him. No, she just watched silently. His face was blank, no concentration creasing his eyes as he focused on his work. She didn't know how long he planned on shutting the world out, but she hoped that it didn't stem any further from today. She'd seen the effects this had on him and Penny much closer than anyone else had. She'd been there in the middle of the night when Tony finally released his emotions, and while she had been able to help him then she knew that eventually there would be a time when he broke and she wasn't there. He would break and no one would be there; it was just what happened in life. Sometimes there wasn't always someone there to pick up the pieces.

Not today, she thought to herself. It couldn't be today.

In the afternoon, Jenny had needed to leave the building, Cynthia accompanying her, so Penny had been allowed by Gibbs to stay in the bullpen. Most of the time she sat with Gibbs, as he had explained that Tony needed to get his work done, but she understood this, and after a quick cuddle with Daddy she'd sat obediently beside Gibbs at his desk, still intently drawing what she imagined angels looked like. When Gibbs went downstairs to see Ducky, however, Penny had returned to Tony's side, finding her voice again as she repeatedly tried to get his attention. Did he like her drawing? What colour were angel wings? Were they big enough wings? Did Mommy have a halo? What was a halo for?

"Penny, I need to do my work, can you draw quietly, please?" he asked her, not raising his eyes from his keyboard.

"I want you to draw," she told him.

Across the bullpen, Ziva noticed the tightening of the muscles around his neck. Tension that he'd been holding silently all morning was beginning to rise, and she couldn't bare to see it unleashed on Penny. "Penny, would you like to come and draw over here?" Ziva offered, bringing a spare chair over to her desk.

"I wanna draw with Daddy," she whined.

"I can't draw, I'm working," he told her.

"But you draw at home," she argued.

Struggling to keep calm now, Tony released a shaky breath, still not looking at Penny. "We're not at home, are we?" he told her. "We're at my work."

"When are we going home?" she asked.

"I don't know."

"What are we having for dinner?"

He was really struggling now. "I don't know."

"When are we-?"

Shouting suddenly, Tony turned to her. "I DON'T KNOW, OKAY?"

Everyone looked at him, none more so than Penny. She'd jumped half a mile in the air when he'd turned suddenly, and then started trembling. She was completely stunned, looking at him like she was about to cry. Tony had never raised his voice to her before. He'd always been calm with her, always as understanding as he could be for the simple reason that he needed to be; he needed to be calm and patient and understanding because she'd lost her mother. Sure, he scolded her when she was bad, but he never shouted. Never.

Realising what he'd done, he put his face in his hands. What had he done? When he looked up again, Penny was staring at him, and he hated the look in her eyes.

Fear.

"Penny..." he whispered softly.

She spun around quickly, still clutching Bertha the hippo to her chest, and she ran off. As she did, she passed Gibbs as he entered the bullpen again. He watched her scamper off and then saw Tony with his head in his hands.

"What did you do, DiNozzo?" he asked.

"I don't know," he groaned into his hands emotionally. "I think I might have just ruined everything with Penny."

Gibbs stood over his desk, staring at him. "I have only had one coffee this morning, DiNozzo. Do not make me hurt you."

"I shouted at her," he told him. "I didn't mean to, it's...it's Alicia's birthday...I'm..."

"On edge. Pissed off. Upset."

He nodded. "...yeah."

"Where did she run off to?" he asked.

Tony looked around. Why hadn't he looked to see where she was going? Why hadn't he stopped her? "...I don't know..." he realised.

--

Half an hour later and the entire squad room were searching for Penny. She hadn't been seen by anyone since she'd passed Gibbs on his way in. Tony was pacing up and down in the bullpen terrified; the skin around his thumbnail throbbing where he was biting down on it so hard. Why hadn't he followed her? Why hadn't he paid more attention? It wasn't her fault. It hadn't been anything to do with her. He'd just been pissed off because Alicia was gone. He didn't know whether he was pissed off with Alicia or whatever God had taken her away from her daughter, but he was pissed off all the same. He'd had no right to take that out on Penny, and he knew it. He knew it all to well, but he still stood silently as Gibbs spent a long time explaining why he had no right to take it out on Penny. Everyone gathered up in the squad room, checking in after their search, and Ducky and Abby were speaking through voice conference on Gibbs' phone.

"The lab?" Tony questioned.

Through the phone, Abby answered. "I checked four times, Tony, she's not hiding anywhere down here."

"Any of the offices upstairs?"

"The entire building has been put on an Amber Alert, and will report to me directly if Penny is seen," Jenny told him.

"Not autopsy?" he suggested, shuddering at the thought of the nightmares she'd probably have for the rest of her life if she'd managed to get into autopsy.

Through the phone, Ducky banished this thought. "I assure you, Anthony, she is not here."

"Where is she?" Tony asked aloud, groaning.

"She couldn't have gotten into MTAC," McGee narrowed down.

"And she could not have left the building," Ziva added. "Security would have seen her."

"What about the closets? The gym?"

"Both clear," she confirmed.

"You're sure?" he asked.

She nodded. "I checked three times."

"She has to be somewhere!" he told her, raising his voice again. Ziva didn't even flinch but Tony fell down into a nearby chair. He was shouting again, this time at Ziva. He had to stop shouting. It was what had gotten him into this mess in the first place.

Gibbs came back into the bullpen. "Security guards are tracing her route by reviewing the CCTV tapes."

Tony leaned forward in the chair, rubbing his hands over his face. "I shouldn't have shouted," he murmured to himself. "I shouldn't have shouted at her..."

"But you did," Gibbs said simply. "You can't change that now."

"I terrified her, boss," he said, raising his head. "That look on her face..."

"The only thing you can do now is fix this," he told him.

The doubt in his face was spilling over from the deepest part of his heart. "Can I?" he asked, so much emotion in his face that he looked as afraid as Penny did when she turned and ran from him. Ziva put her hand on his shoulder.

"No child likes being told off, Tony, but they still love their parents despite it," Gibbs said quietly.

"I have to find her," Tony said.

"We will," he assured him, before turning back to the entire team. "We search everywhere again. Everywhere. Got it?"

Everyone disbanded, but Gibbs headed away alone.

--

Opening the door to one of the buildings many stairwells, Gibbs was greeted with a faint sniffling. He followed the sound, looking underneath to find Penny curled into a ball. He crept up beside her, sitting down on the ground next to her, placing his coffee on his other side. "Penny," he said softly.

She looked up at him, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. "You found me."

"I must be getting better at hide and seek," he suggested.

"Yeah," she sniffed.

He took the napkin around his coffee and used it to help Penny dry her tears. "Why are you hiding down here, Penny?" he asked her.

"I made Daddy mad," she sniffed again.

"Penny-"

"Doesn't Daddy love me no more?" she asked, her voice getting more and more high pitched as she let a few more tears fall.

"Your Dad loves you very much," he assured her.

"But I made him really mad and he shouted."

Gibbs was silently for a moment, bringing her into his lap. She sat facing him, but kept her head down. "Penny, you know that your Dad loved your Mom very much?" She nodded. "Did it hurt your heart when she went to heaven?"

"Lots," she said, with another sniff.

"It hurt your Dad's heart as well," he told her. "Today he really missed your Mom, and it made him hurt more so he got upset. He didn't mean to shout at you, he just got too sad."

"Is he still sad now?" she asked.

"He's worried because he can't find you."

She looked at Gibbs. "Is he looking for me too?"

He nodded. "He is. Auntie Abby got made at him because he made a mess in her lab," he said, telling her in a loud whisper as if he were explaining some big secret.

"Really?"

Gibbs nodded. "Oh, yeah."

Penny looked down at Bertha the hippo. "Are you going to shout at me too, Uncle Gibbs?" she asked him.

"No, Penny, I'm not," he assured her.

"My Mommy shouted sometimes. So did Grandpa. Grandpa shouted at me lots."

"Well, I'm not Grandpa," he reminded her. "I'm Uncle Gibbs."

"I heard you shout at Daddy once."

"Your Dad was being a bit silly then, wasn't he?" he remembered.

"Did you make him not silly anymore?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, he's not silly anymore." There was a silence, and he lowered his head a little, meeting her eyes. "Shall we go and find Daddy now?"

She thought about this, and then looked back to Gibbs. "Will you hold my hand in case he's mad at me still?" she asked.

"No one is going to be mad at you, Penny," he assured her.

"I think Daddy might be."

"He's not," he repeated. "He's just scared that you might have gotten hurt when he couldn't find you. He just wants you to be safe."

Penny thought about this as well. "Daddy loves me, doesn't he Uncle Gibbs?"

He nodded. "Yes, he does."

"I know that even though he doesn't tell me."

Gibbs looked at her. "Come on," he said, getting to his feet and offering his hand to Penny. "Let's go and find him."

--

By now in the bullpen, Tony was going out of his mind. He was pacing up and down, still biting the skin around his nails. Ziva leaned against her desk, watching him. "What have I done?" he asked over and over. "What have I done?"

"Relax, Tony..."

"Relax?" he asked her. "You saw what I did!" he reminded her.

"No parent is a saint, Tony."

"I scared the shit out of her, Ziva!"

She heard the vulnerability in his voice and went over putting a hand on his shoulder. This stopped his pacing, but she didn't remove her hand. "She will be fine, we will find her," she told him now that he wasn't wearing holes in the carpet.

"Alicia asked me to do one thing," he remembered. "One goddamn thing. To look after our daughter. I can't even do that. I'm useless-"

"Stop it," she told him sternly. "We have been through the hopeless stage and you have worked through it. I will not watch you fall back into it," she told him.

He shook his head. "What if she's hurt? What if that's why we can't find her?"

"She is fine, Tony."

"You don't know that," he shot back at her. "She could be really hurt. What if she fell down the stairs or something? What if she's unconscious and we can't find her because she can't hear us calling for her? What if-?"

"Tony, enough!" Ziva snapped sharply. Tony was stunned at this, finally looking at her. "She will be fine. We will find her." She kept her eyes trained on him. She'd found that just by looking at each other he'd allow himself to break a little, to show to her and no one else what he was going through. "Trust me, we will find her," she repeated, whispering this time.

At that moment, Gibbs appeared at the other end of the bullpen. "Found her," he said simply.

Tony looked away from Ziva, his face a picture of relief when Gibbs brought his arm round, steering Penny so that she was standing in front of him. She was still clutching her hippo against her chest, bless her. Tony broke away from Ziva, and in one swift movement the had gathered Penny in his arms and he cradled her against him tightly.

"Penny, God, you had me so worried. Are you hurt anywhere?" She shook her head against him, and when she realised that he wasn't going to shout at her she placed her arms around him tightly. He put his hand on the back of her head, stroking it as he looked at Gibbs. "Where did you find her?"

"Hiding at the bottom of the stairwell," he said, sitting back at his desk.

Tony sighed, turning his attention back to Penny, nestling his head against hers. Into her hair, he spoke, and it was clear to Ziva, who was still standing beside him, that the reason he had hidden his face was because of the tears in his voice. "I'm sorry," he told her. "I'm so sorry I shouted at you. I'll never shout at you like that again. I promise. I'm so sorry."

"Uncle Gibbs said it was 'cause you missed Mommy," Penny told him.

"I know. I shouldn't have shouted at you. You didn't do anything wrong," he assured her.

"I miss Mommy too," she told him.

"Oh, Penny..." he sighed, moving over to his desk. He sat in his chair, placing her on the desk before him. He looked his daughter in the eye, one hand on the desk beside her but the other stroking her hair. "Penny, you know that we can talk about Mommy, don't you?" he assured her. "Any time you want."

"You won't get mad?" she asked.

He shook his head. "Of course, I won't get mad," he told her. "We both miss her, and if you want to talk about her or ask me something about her, you can. Whenever you want, Penny, I mean that. If you want to talk about her and remember her you can always talk to me. Always."

"Okay," she said.

He leaned forward, hugging her again. "I'm sorry I shouted."

"You said that already," she pointed out.

Tony half-laughed. "Yeah, I did, didn't I?" he turned serious again. "What do you think, can you forgive your silly old dad?"

She nodded. "Yeah, 'cause I love my silly old Daddy."

He smiled as he heard her say this. "Thanks, Penny."

Unknown to them both, Gibbs listened in on their exchange, thinking about what Penny had said to him in the stairwell. 'I know he loves me even though he doesn't tell me'. Tony hadn't told her that he loved her yet. He knew that the word 'love' was difficult for a man like Tony, but telling his daughter was different. This wasn't romantic love, this was unconditional love.

Jenny appeared at his side. "You found her?"

He nodded. "Hiding in a stairwell."

"She's okay?"

He nodded again. "She is now."

"Good."

They stood in silence, just watching as Tony held his daughter and she held him just as tightly. "DiNozzo hasn't told her that he loves her yet," Gibbs commented suddenly.

"Love is a strong word, Jethro," Jenny pointed out.

"Not to a kid," he reminded her.

"They'll find their own way."

"They better," he said almost to himself. "Or they'll have me to answer to."

--

Later that day, with Penny sitting in his lap as he typed away at his desk, Tony looked up to see the entire team standing around his desk. He frowned, noticing they were all holding identical white envelopes. "Where's the party?" he asked suspiciously.

"The Hilton. Six weeks time," Jenny told him.

"December," he realised.

"Christmas," McGee added.

Tony's eyebrows raised. "Office party?" he asked, taking the envelope that Jenny offered him. "At The Hilton...that's classy."

"That's the idea," Jenny told him. "Families welcome, children included. Black tie. Attendance is not optional."

Penny took the invitation from his hands, admiring the decoration. "Oooh...pretty."

"Black tie?" Tony questioned. "You mean...?"

"James Bond Theme," Ziva confirmed, an almost devilish grin on her lips.

Tony looked towards the ceiling in awe. "There is a God, and thy name is Bond. James Bond."

And what does Bond Theme mean guys? …. Pretty dresses!!