~Chapter Twelve~

An Apple A Day

Sometimes, the feeling is right;
You fall in love for the first time.
Heartbeat, and kisses so sweet.
Summertime love in the moonlight.

All I think of is you, and all of the things we had.
Doctor, what can I do?

Please, please cure me.

~Doctor Jones, by Aqua

Disclaimer: Me No Own; You No Sue.

Sammy hid her flushed face in the front of my suit, grumbling to herself about the horrors of puppy dog eyes. Poor girl had probably fallen victim to Mitsukuni after he'd eaten sweets; it was never safe to cross him during a sugar high, especially when it had been induced by cake. I almost felt sorry for her, but I was too busy trying to hide my smug grin from the Hitachiin Twins to dwell on the feeling for long.

My girl.

Sammy's P.O.V.

Currently, I was sitting in a cold room in nothing but my bra and panties. My amazingly cool bra and panties – both of which sported puppy prints! Who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who!

…curse you, box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts! Sugary demon of doom. Back, foul beast – back to whence you came!

There was a tape measure at my side, as well as a scale (which had claimed that I was five pounds heavier due to my recent display of gluttony at breakfast), and I found myself staring accusingly at the latter.

"Traitor," I hissed at it. "Working for Dumbledore all this time! How dare you defy me, Severus Snape? Avada Kedavra!" Pointing my imaginary wand at the fickle machine.

The nurse gave me an odd look and hastily checked a box on the clipboard that she held in her trembling hands, jotting down a few notes for good measure. Probably nothing of importance; not like I was crazy or anything. So, no need to worry…right?

"Are you related to Steve?" I asked her curiously. They both had black hair and gray eyes, as well as a love of clipboards; hence, it was entirely possible that they were related!

Nurse Kyoko did not agree. She smiled at me – it was more of a grimace, if one were to be picky about the terminology – and nervously exited the Special Male Student Nurse's Office. …what a mouthful! And come to think of it, I'm female, so why was I in a male student's examination room?

Kyoya is an idiot – that's why! I thought gleefully. He sent me to the wrong room! Busted~!

My good mood quickly disintegrated as I realized that –

"Hey! She didn't even answer my question," I whined, feeling thoroughly put out at this. It was true: she hadn't glanced back, not even once. Nope, she had simply shut the door with a quick snap!

Ah, how the mighty have fallen… I continued grumbling to myself as I waited for the nurse to return and I found myself thinking back to the source of all my current problems.

I had been lying on my bed this morning, wrapped in my Kingdom Hearts bedspread and staring longingly out the window. I'd had a cold washcloth on my forehead and a metal thermos of warm, chicken noodle soup sitting on my nightstand. Steam was still rising into the air, so I hadn't bothered to touch it yet...

That and the fact that I hadn't really needed it.

Yep – you heard me right. And it was the truth, too! I wasn't sick, so why would I have needed to consume copious amounts greasy noodles and sticky broth? That stuff was a serious choking hazard and should definitely be outlawed. It was a danger to sick people everywhere.

So one might wonder why I – the smart and talented and perfectly responsible student – had been planning on skipping school today. It's quite simple really: you see, it all started with this stupid dance party…

There was the issue of this small favor that I had promised a certain someone; I believe his name was Haninozuka Mitsukuni. Well, the evil little sneak had tricked me into kissing our classmate (his cousin apparently) in front of the entire student body. Or something like that anyway… I can't really remember. As it stands now, I am conveniently suffering from amnesia. My therapist has told me that this is a perfectly normal reaction based upon her in depth analysis of my traumatic experience.

That and we're having physical examinations today. I've had quite a few bad experiences with those as well, so I had been planning to nip that problem in the bud since starting at Ouran High School. No one other than the Twins and myself needed to know my weight (a little chubby) or my height, which – roughly translated – meant 'pretty damn short.' The two boys had all of my recent measurements anyway; thus, I honestly did not see why I should bother going to school, attending the physical examinations, and suffering through the consequential humiliation.

"And how are you feeling, Sammy?"

Ah, yes… That was why I was here at school today.

I had merely smiled at her faux concern; Ellen certainly caught on quickly. Although, I really shouldn't have expected anything less of the young woman that had raised me since she was a teenage girl herself. The crazy maid had probably written the book on skipping school. Or an episode or two of Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide, which probably included lessons on cutting class.

With a cheesy grin plastered on my lips, I had coughed into my hand and offered her a weak wave. In turn, Ellen had rolled her green eyes at me, obviously not amused at my fake illness. I'd sighed and sat up at her request. The washcloth had fallen into my lap with a sloppy wet noise, like a…

Kiss. I had groaned almost inaudibly, feeling my stomach lurch at the thought. I kissed Takashi! I'm such an idiot. Ein Esel. A dumb… With that, I had been at a loss on how to insult myself further. …girl. Yes, I believe that sums it up quite nicely.

Ellen had resorted to giving me a strange look, clearly worried at that point. "…are you actually sick? Or are you faking again?" She'd squinted at me, as if that would somehow reveal the truth about the current state of my health. "I really can't tell at the moment."

A weary sigh in response. "Honestly, it depends on your definition of 'sick.'"

The maid had cocked a brow at this, but said nothing. She had simply motioned for me to continue. I'd just begun to speak when she had told me to "Hold that thought" and that she would be "Right back!" Five minutes passed and I'd heard a faint beeping, then the sound of someone running back up three long flights of stairs.

No way…

I'll admit it: I had sweatdropped at the time, in awe of her audacity.

My personal maid had just plopped down on the end of my bed, hugging a bowl of buttered popcorn in her arms. Her mouth was full of kernels, but she'd waved her hands at me to signal that she was ready to listen. I had been skeptical of this and observed her through narrowed eyes. Ellen had continued to say absolutely nothing, too intent on eating her snack, so I'd hastened to tell her of my tale of woe before she thought of anything else that she might want. After I had finished, I waited patiently for her to swallow her mouthful of Redenbacher's popcorn, which was our personal favorite. I had personally believed that it would be well worth the wait; Ellen always gave me the best advice for any situation, no matter how strange they were to her.

Like that incident two years ago, when I was constantly having those very vivid nightmares that Perry the Platypus was stalking Hikaru and Kaoru.

"You are so fucking screwed, girlfriend!" she had cackled, obviously delighted at this unexpected turn of events.

…or not.

I had scowled at her and made my annoyance very clear as I bluntly stated, "I hate you. And it should be known that I am removing your name from my will."

"But you don't have a will!" Ellen had been quick to point out.

Her black hair was beginning to frizz, so she'd busied herself with running her buttery hands through her locks in an attempt to fix them. I hadn't bothered to remind her about the grease; revenge and all that good shit. It was best served cold, after all. …and buttery.

She had hummed to herself in thought, and then suddenly asked, "Do you like him?" And she had been dead serious about it, too.

Shit. I'm not… I am not ready to admit to that just yet! Damn you, Ellen! I cursed at her.

"Yes, or no," Ellen had prompted eagerly. "And whether or not I let you stay home for the day depends on your answer, so think carefully, chickadee."

I'd stared at her, horrified. That was her preferred method of parental guidance? Why not just flip a euro – er, a piece of yen – to determine my fate! Dumm Amerikaner!

"Tick, tock," she had chirped in a cheerful way. Well, at least one of us was enjoying herself…

Biting my lip in trepidation, I had timidly whispered, "…yes."

Ellen had then leapt from the bed with a squeal and engaged in what appeared to be a victory dance…or an ancient mating ritual. The jury was still out on the matter, but I promised my imaginary friend, Billy Bob, that I would let him know when I received their verdict.

"Sammy and Takashi sitting in a tree: K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, andthen comes marriage –"

Horrified, I had cut her off with a hissed – "Then comes Ellen in a funeral carriage!"

Jade eyes widened and she had immediately made a motion of zipping her lips. It had been silent and I'd breathed a sigh of relief. However, I should have known that the crazy maid couldn't keep her mouth shut for long…

"I'm so happy for you!" Ellen had cooed, wiggling her butt as she danced around the room.

A sudden thought had crossed my mind. "…are you Caramelldansen?" I'd asked, amused and somewhat curious as to how she would answer.

She had merely glared at me in return. "No, you stupid girl – I'm doing the Chicken Dance!"

"Whatever makes you happy," I had murmured with a shrug.

With that, I had received my answer: No, I was not staying home today. Typical Ellen; she had planned on making me go to school from the start, the psychotic pixie.

So here I was, sitting on a metal table, while freezing my ass off in this ridiculously cold room. I was quietly singing the first opening theme song from D. Gray Man to myself and wondering – Where the fuck is that cowardly nurse?

The door slammed, crashing into the wall, and I jumped at the unexpected sound. Whirling around, I saw that it was not Courage the Cowardly Dog, but my best friend: Haruhi! What a wonderful surprise!

"What's up with my peep?" I happily inquired, swinging my bare legs back and forth in my hyper state. I love sugar highs!

Haruhi startled, placing a hand on her chest. "Oh… You scared the hell out of me, Sammy-chan!"

With a cheeky grin, I chirped, "Just doing the Lord's work and all. Never can be too careful these days!" I made a quick cross in the air, impersonating a Catholic priest that I'd met as a child. No, not that way, sicko! "Amen."

She sweatdropped. "You are so strange," Haruhi muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"But that's why you love me!" I insisted doggedly. "My epic awesomeness is hard to ignore, yes?"

No expression on her face as Haruhi stared at me. "Are you feeling quite right in the head?"

I nodded quickly in agreement. "Yes, ma'am! Are you my new nurse? I heard from Billy Bob that other one ran away to live in Brazil with her pet chinchillas…"

"Oh, Kami-sama. You've eaten a bunch of those damn Krispy Kreme doughnuts again, haven't you?" she demanded, while pointing an accusatory finger in my direction. "I've told you time and time again to stay away from those things if they make you so hyper!"

No! Not my sugar. You mustn't take away my sugar! I wailed in my mind, before quoting Gollum from the Lord of the Rings movies. "It is my precious… My precious."

Thankfully, a nurse – and not Nurse Kyoko – entered the room at that moment, thus saving me from the sugar Nazi.

"Well, let's get this started, shall we? I am Nurse Mai and it is my pleasure to conduct your physical examinations today."

This nurse was very pretty, with red hair and hazel eyes. She bowed, as was proper. However, I couldn't help but think to myself – Creepy! Why is it such a 'pleasure,' eh? Cue uneasy sweatdrop.

"If you have questions, feel free to stop me at any time to ask them. And, with that said, I would like both of you to step behind that curtain –" Nurse Mai gestured to the previously mentioned cloth. "– and remove your clothing."

I raised my hand, waving it frantically in the air. Like Naruto – believe it!

Nurse Mai didn't even blink; she must have little kids at home. "Yes, Steel-san?"

"I'm already undressed. Does that mean I have to remove my underwear?" I asked her, praying to the God that I had recently insulted that this wasn't the case.

"Not at all. You may keep your undergarments on if you wish," Nurse Mai said, smiling gently at Haruhi and me.

Yep – definitely a mother. And such a nice one at that!

I had been there before Haruhi, so my examination was the first one to be done. The nurse checked my chart, raising a disbelieving eyebrow at something Nurse Kyoko had written, and carefully explained each point to me. Told me how to take better care of myself and praised me on what I was already doing correctly.

"Well, you know what they say!" I crowed.

The peaceful chirping of crickets could be heard in the background.

Neither of them knew, so I continued, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away!"

Nurse Mai shook her head in amusement; Haruhi merely groaned at this bit of wisdom. This was something that my best friend did often, as she was seemingly not amused with my cynicism. I didn't let this bother me because one day she would thank me for my advice – I was sure of it!

"…was it something I said?" I asked, as Haruhi edged away from me and my twitching facial expressions.

When my physical examination was done, I scurried over to my clothing. I had been in nothing but my underwear for close to twenty minutes and I was beginning to shiver from the drafts. One would think that an elite, expensive school for the rich and privileged would have better heating and cooling systems, but no...

Damn bunch of misers; Scrooges, all of 'em! Bah! Humbug.

And because I had arrived to school late, I had grabbed the first clean clothes in my closet, which were made of rather thin materials. I had finally decided(meaning that Ellen had to drag me out of my closet in the midst of my decision) upon a Scooby Doo t-shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans. Both were old, but pretty damn expensive when I'd bought them two years prior.

Oh, and the shirt matches my doggy underwear! I chuckled to myself as I pulled the green shirt over my head. It was rather long and effectively managed to cover my butt, so I felt myself beginning to warm up rather quickly.

"Excuse me, Mister…?"

I spun around, shocked at what happened next: a strange man dressed in a lab coat shuffled over to my friend Haruhi and clamped a hand over her mouth. He urged her to quiet down, begging that she not make any noise. As if! The younger girl was clearly nervous and her expression terrified me. Hold on Haruhi! My heart leapt into my throat, just as I leapt into action.

"Get away from her, you pervert!" I snarled, tackling him from behind. Punching him in the back of the head and demanding that he let go of the younger girl.

The man did so, but not before he had thrown me across the room. I hit the wall with a thud! Every bit of oxygen left my lungs and I struggled to breathe, gasping like a fish out of water. Ow, that hurt like a mother trucker!

A sudden cry of Tama-chan kick was heard and it echoed oddly in my ringing ears. I blinked as a white blur flew by me, presumably the 'doctor.' He was thrown into the wall, as well; however, he left a rather large dent in his wake. I found myself grinning darkly at the irony.

"Serves you right, you fucking pervert," I muttered, swaying as I stood up and wandered over to Haruhi. "You okay, Haruhi-chan?"

"…me? You idiot! You were just thrown into a wall and you are asking if I'm okay? Should you not be asking yourself that – you crazy American!" Haruhi snapped at me, her lips thin and almost white as she frowned. Her hands were on her hips and it was clear that she meant business.

"Now, now…" I waved the mother hen away, annoyed at her incessant tittering. "There's no need for you to call me such mean names… Oh, stars! Look – there goes Nicholas Cage!"

Grinning, I tried my best to catch the flashes of yellow stars that swept across my vision. I was unsuccessful. Though I was successful in my attempt to tune out the nonsense that the Hosts were spouting at the pervert like leaky faucets. And – bonus! Whatever they said to him scared the man into begging for his life.

Yes… Bow down before your Master, peasant. WoRsHiP mE! Mwahahahaha! I stared at down at my underwear as I practiced my evil laugh; puppies are always a good source of inspiration for aspiring dictators. Cough, cough. That evil laugh is hard on the voice box… Now, where's my inhaler again?

"This is certainly not your daughter's school."

Ah, the omnipotent Kyoya has spoken. All bow down before him and…! I sneezed suddenly. …never mind.

I flinched as a warm cloth was draped over my shivering form, blinking stupidly at the thing that happened to be a blue jacket. And why did it have an Ouran High School emblem emblazoned on the front pocket? When I glanced upwards in thought, I noticed that Takashi was standing there. He had probably been the entire time that I was planning to conquer the world, er…daydreaming.

Blushing at my pathetic lack of observation skills, I murmured, "Thank you, Takashi-kun."

The older student smiled down at me and patted my head. "No problem," Takashi assured me.

As the trembling worsened, he wrapped a strong arm around my shoulders, rubbing gently to keep the circulation going strong. It felt…nice being held like I was something precious. I happily cuddled into his side, not even caring that the Twins were exchanging mischievous looks with one another. Instead, I turned to face the other Hosts. I was just in time to hear Tamaki order the Shadow King to prepare a map that would lead the perverted doctor to his daughter's school, which was located in the neighboring town.

I had half a mind to tell Kyoya not to do it, fearing that the man was only interested in his daughter in a perverse way. Child molestation was quite common these days, after all. Takashi must have read the concern in my expression because he shook his head, telling me – in his own way – that the man was not a danger to anyone. Unlucky perhaps, but essentially not dangerous.

The Hosts watched through the open window of the nurse's office as the man walked away, bowing until he was out of sight. Haruhi, on the other hand, was watching her blonde senpai. And with a rather curious expression on her face, I might add! I made a mental note to ask her about this sudden fascination with the King when we spoke on the Banana Phone later tonight.

"Are you positive that this is fine?" Hikaru asked warily, waiting – as always – for his Twin to finish his sentence and, consequentially, his thoughts.

Kaoru did not disappoint him; he never did. "Because… In the end, hasn't his daughter already given up on him?" the younger Twin asked, staring out the window with a forlorn expression.

Tamaki inhaled the fresh air, eyes focused on the now empty path that led away from Ouran High School. "That is something that he must ascertain for himself."

And then he was smacked in the face by a flyaway kite. The blonde Frenchman struggled against it in vain; the twine was tangled around his neck and had a rather vicious hold on him. Tamaki was beginning to turn purple when the kite suddenly vanished, almost as quickly as it had appeared.

I grinned at the Frenchman as he gasped for air and I began cheerfully singing the words from Mary Poppins – "Let's go fly a kite~! Up to the highest height. Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring – up through the atmosphere, up where the air is clear. Oh, let's go fly a kite…!"

Oddly enough, Tamaki perked up at the unfamiliar lyrics. "That's a splendid idea, my darling sister! We should do so this Sunday; the weather will be perfect for such an outing. Ah, I do love it when our family spends the weekends together!"

My jaw dropped open. "But… I mean, that isn't what I meant!" I wailed, hands flailing in the air as I tried to stop the crazy Frenchman from stealing my precious weekend away from me.

Haruhi glared at me with glowing brown eyes, beyond pissed as she grumbled, "I had planned on doing my laundry this weekend, and some homework, too… But now I have to spend the weekend with these rich bastards! Thanks a lot, Sammy-chan!"

"Yeah, thanks a lot!" The Twins parroted gleefully. Each was wrapped around his counterpart, hands wandering over the other's body as they murmured to one another about the upcoming weekend.

It was clear that, unlike Haruhi, the young men in the Host Club (my brothers included) were all looking forward to our unexpected weekend plans. Each of them talked quietly in pairs about the kites that they planned to buy and bring with them.

…wait. Buy them? The idioten actually planned to buy their kites? Where was the fun in that?

"Damn rich bastards," Haruhi muttered irritably. "Can't even make their own kites…"

With a sigh, I turned towards the younger girl. "Wanna skip with me?" I quietly asked, before adding, "We can go to the library and complete our homework. Maybe we could even visit Amane's Family Shop after that! For some 'Girl Time,' you know?"

"Certainly! That sounds like a lot of fun actually," she exclaimed, oddly pleased with my suggestions – a rare occurrence, I might add.

But then my brothers had to add their two cents to the piggy bank…

"Don't even think about it!" the Twins chorused. Golden eyes glinted with mischief as they added, "There is no way in hell that we are letting the two of you get away from us so easily."

Well, there goes my Saturday.

"And what on Earth are you wearing under that shirt?" Hikaru demanded, before lifting said piece of clothing into the air.

The other Hosts blushed and all of them averted their eyes at the sight of my female unmentionables. Why were they embarrassed anyway? I was the one being exposed in front of a group of insanely handsome men. Not that I really noticed, as hungry as I was at that moment. I merely stood there, staring into space – I really want another doughnut...

Kaoru tittered at me. "The puppy underwear set? And that shirt! I'm ashamed to call you my sister, Sammy-chan!" His hands also wandered to my shirt, but I absentmindedly slapped them away. No one disses Scooby Doo! Not on my watch.

The other members of the Host Club were startled, but the Twins took no notice; the younger boys were too far gone in their fashion rampage to even hear their audible surprise as the truth behind our relationship was revealed. This was odd because their exclamations of surprise were almost as loud as their embarrassment. Come to think of it, everything that the Hosts did was loud.

I hope Hika-chan and Ru-chan didn't eat any of those Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I was saving the rest for later, I grumbled to myself. My stomach growled in agreement and I coughed to hide the sound. So hungry…

Hikaru and Kaoru continued onwards, completely oblivious as they cheered, "We must go shopping this weekend! We'll buy you a brand new summer wardrobe, too! And some makeup, preferably in pastels… Maybe a few pairs of shoes and, oh! There's a showing of Calvin Klein's newest fashion line at –"

And there goes my Sunday…

"I can't wait! We will all have so much fun together!" Tamaki cheered as he danced around the room. "Fun, fun, fun!"

I sweatdropped as I surveyed the chaos that I'd unwittingly created.

An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but what in the world repels Hosts?

***Author's Note***

PLEASE READ! This is entirely up to the readers, so please review with your choice, okay?

I am not entirely sure if I should include the kite/picnic scene, or dive straight into episode four - which features the appearance of Renge. XD

SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

Thanks, guys. :)