~Chapter Forty Four~

Lost and Found

I don't want to care,
And I don't want to hate,
And I don't want to see you fall too far away.

'Cause when you're afraid, you lash out at me,
When you say all the things that you never meant to say,
And try to break me.

Yeah, I don't want to hate.
I don't want to be broken.
I don't want to hate you.

~ Better, by Plumb

Disclaimer: Me No Own; You No Sue.

Stunned at this almost violent reaction, I let my open palm drop down to swing at my side, useless and empty. "Haruhi, I…" My mouth moved to form the pleading words that I wanted to speak, to scream out – Please, Haruhi, I love you! We're best friends! You can't leave me – but nothing escaped.

She finally slowed down in her running, having traveled down half the beach in the span of only two minutes, but only to glare at me in disgust. Haruhi whispered three little words that I could not hear, but I could still make out the horrible sentence. You see, when I lived back at the old orphanage, I became frustrated because there were conversations there that I was not privy to without that skill. Over time, I learned the useful talent of reading lips, and became adept at hearing things that remained better off unsaid, like the words Haruhi just mouthed at me –

"I hate you!"

Sammy's P.O.V.

"Fine," I sourly muttered, feeling sad, upset – and above all, mad. Hugging myself with shaking hands, I glowered at the sand, kicked it in her direction, and whirled around to face the opposite direction. "You hate me? Well, I hate you, too…"

Speaking that last bit did not help alleviate the pain pushing into my chest; it only made it worse, so much worse. Made it feel like I could not breathe, could not see straight, without sucking in too much air. My head whirled, spinning in circles, like the Merry-Go-Round that Sarah and I used to ride at the park down the street. I inhaled sharply again, attempting to fill screaming lungs with fresh air, to make it easier to breathe, but only making myself feel lightheaded, instead.

No destination in mind, I continued to walk, and walk, and walk. My bare feet were propelled forward with little thought on my part, because I remained too disoriented – and too pissed off –to pay attention to where I walked. Eventually, however, I recognized the white net to be part of the abandoned volleyball tournament from earlier this afternoon. My eyes, ears, and head roared with anger. I bent down, plucked the forgotten volleyball from its home within a crater of white sand, and then moved back to lift my arm. Breathed in. Spiked it. Snarled.

Questions ripped throughout me. How could Hikaru and Kaoru do that to Tamaki, to Haruhi, to me? The ball hit the line, and I growled out of frustration, before stalking forward to collect it, snatching the ball from the ground with such force that I bruised myself. Tamaki is an idiot, I know, and Kyoya is a manipulative bastard, but Hikaru and Kaoru are usually really sweet to Haruhi!

Sneering in disgust, I hit the ball in the air, using my right knee to shove it to the left and back to the right, until I was passing it back and forth without pause. Now, I was not athletic in the least, but I liked playing volleyball. I sucked at it, but I did excel in soccer, which Caleb found terribly amusing, since my mother hailed from Germany. Racist! I smiled affectionately, used old and rusty soccer skills to kick the volleyball upwards, and then spiked it again. Bam!

With satisfaction, I noted that I managed to slam it into the other end of the court – right where Hikaru was standing earlier. My little brothers are assholes! I closed both eyes and attempted to think of anything other than the picture of Hikaru and Kaoru smirking down at me, arms on my waist and shoulders. The image faded into nothingness, but I wanted to scream when another made its way to me. My heart ached at the image of another familiar face; Haruhi smiled, her expression lifting when I handed her the cookie. And Haruhi is…

"Ah, Mitsukuni was correct in his assumptions, I see." Pause. "Are you okay, sweetheart…?"

No, I stiffened, closed both eyes, and hugged the ball closer to me. No, I'm not okay!

I whirled around to punch the intruder, but before I could land the hit, his hand caught mine in a strong but gentle hold. Screaming out in frustration, I tried to punch him with the other fist, but this was unsuccessful, too. I could only stand there, with his hands wrapped around mine, and shake like leaves in the wind. It hurt so much. Why? Why could I not help anyone? Not Daddy, Mutti, or Sarah. Not Kiki, Kotoko, or Haruhi. I couldn't help anyone!

Hell, I could barely help myself…

Tears blurred lines and shapes and colors into my normally clear vision; I exhaled, letting out a shaky breath filled with shades of confusion, anger, worry, and frustration. Nothing made sense. My thoughts whirled around at about two million miles, zipping from one person or idea to the next – Hikaru and Kaoru; Tamaki and Haruhi; Kyoya and Kiki; Mitsukuni and Kotoko. So many people! So many problems! And I couldn't do anything to help anyone!

Everything is a mess! After uselessly struggling in his hold and then being released out of pity, I dropped to the sand and burrowed into my own palms, hiding my watering eyes. What should I do? I want to help everyone else. I want to help them, because we're all friends, but I don't know how…

Two arms wrapped around mine, pulling forward to embrace me in gentle warmth, familiar and unfamiliar all in the same exact moment. I leaned into his protective strength, pressing my nose into his shoulder – hiding from the world, taking that moment to regain my senses. He curled his right arm around to my neck and shoulders, letting his hand touch the soft skin, and rested his left above my waist. His hot breath whispered into my ears, singing with reassurances and the reminder that I was not alone. It lifted the damp hair from my neck, rushed into my mouth, zipped into my crushed lungs. The weight vanished. And I could breathe normally again.

My panic attack subsided, thankfully, and I leaned back to stare up at Takashi with tired blue eyes. I was positively zapped by the attack, left feeling only sluggish and empty, but I smiled at him with gratitude glowing in my eyes. "Thanks, Takashi-kun," I quietly whispered to him.

Gray eyes soft with warmth, Takashi dipped his head down to kiss my nose. "You're welcome, Sammy-chan." We stared at another for a moment. He eyed the sweat pouring down from my eyebrows but did not ask the question that burned in his eyes. Like always, I waited for a second, carefully reading the words in his expression, and then I nodded: Yes.

"Please do not hide something this important from me ever again, Sammy-chan," Takashi whispered back, the faintest sound of disapproval ringing in his low voice. It was outweighed, however, by the echoes of his fear. Fear that I would hurt myself in his absence. So I did not argue with his worried demand.

Instead, I nodded again and then blushed, embarrassed that Takashi discovered this problem in the first place. There was no use in denying what just occurred because Takashi had witnessed this moment of weakness for himself. He was aware of the depression that occasionally reared its ugly head and bit into me, refusing to let go. My panic attacks, however, were a secret. No one mentioned to him that I sometimes worried too much. When overly stressed, I had the tendency to panic, but it hadn't happened in several months. Not since that day Renge…

"Sorry," I mumbled shyly, attempting to ignore the burning sensation associated with that last memory – punching the wall and then breaking down was not the best decision that I'd made in the last couple of months. "I usually leave the room when I start to freak out and have a panic attack…"

Which is why I bolted to the bathroom in the first place!

Halfheartedly, I glared at him through narrowed, ice blue eyes. "I don't usually let anyone else hang around when I'm having one, either…" I muttered somewhat dryly, but knowing that I couldn't willingly send him away. Not then. Not now. Not ever.

For a moment, Takashi only tightened his hold to me, as if afraid that I might vanish should his arms move. His fear wasn't unfounded, I guess, because I'd considered running from him when his familiar scent slammed into my nose. I did not want him to see me with pasty skin, pale lips, shaking limbs, and trembling hands. My mind shut down, falling from that train of thought, as a circle of fingers closed around mine, brushing against my pinky and thumb. He finally turned his head to place a gentle kiss to my ear, where the pulse in my neck bucked and jumped in excitement. My heart raced with the speed of Radagast's Rhosgobel Rabbits.

"Do not apologize to me," Takashi mumbled the reprimand into my ear. He moved closer to my smaller form and pressed his forehead into my chest, which swelled at the love in his voice. His lips moved against my skin with each of his words, carving his feelings into me, a constant reminder of his presence. "Not for letting me care about you."

Slowly, I nodded against his bare chest, kissing his collar bone with the lightest touch of lips to skin. He shuddered at the sensation. His cheeks burned red, his breathing quickening; however, Takashi was comfortable with me. He casually brushed his hands down my spine but stopped at my rear end, instead moving back up, before repeating the action again. I vibrated in content, feeling just as comfortable with his touch, and pressed curious fingers into his strong back muscles. My small hands curled around his strong shoulders, holding him close while I explored.

Several marks marred his otherwise beautiful skin. I discovered two scars at the base of his spine, probably from his martial arts training, and three small lines etched into his chest. These seemed to be from animal claws, perhaps talons. I tentatively touched the crescent shaped mark buried in his hand, which I remembered from the first date that Takashi and I went on. My clean nails gently traced the outline of the moon scar, a small imprint made by his first sword during a training session with Satoshi years ago.

Yeah. Sweet Satoshi liked to hit poor, unsuspecting people with his weapons, apparently…

Another scar, shaped like a grain of rice, was engraved in his right upper arm, just above the crook of his elbow. Eyeing the mark and curious about the story behind its existence, I leaned forward and kissed the old wound, tenderly and without embarrassment. My lips tingled when I smiled into his skin, brushing lips to flesh, reveling in the thrill of possession that rippled through me with the privilege of being able to touch him this personally. We were girlfriend and boyfriend, sweethearts, and –

Lovers, Takashi said earlier this morning, his mouth curling happily around the word when I cheerfully grinned back and hugged his waist with both arms, pleased with his newest term of affection. You are mine, Koi, and I am yours.

A small sound, somewhat like a purr, rumbled in his chest. Takashi kissed the skin above my right eyebrow, his lips lingering for several seconds, and then curiously asked, "What's your favorite color, Sammy-chan?"

Confused with this sudden change in topic, I could only stare at him, my eyebrows furrowed. I blinked twice in the hopes of clearing the confusion that this jump – scars to favorite colors – left in my mind. I thoughtfully nibbled at my nails and mused, "My favorite color…?"

Takashi gracefully dropped down to the sand and leaned back, his palms buried in the sand, face upturned, gazing thoughtfully at the clouds. His eyes strayed from the skies and flickered to my hair, which gently fluttered with the breeze. "Mine is gold," Takashi quietly admitted.

It was rather shocking that Takashi would openly make that admission, especially when my sweet boyfriend could be so soft spoken and shy. Surprisingly enough, Takashi also smiled at me, as if conscious of these thoughts, and winked. My boyfriend gently teased, "Will I be graced with your words, My Lady?"

Blue. The word slipped through the cracks and then rested at the tip of the tongue that pressed into my cheeks, while I stared straight into his beautiful, stormy gray eyes. Gray…? No! Wait, Sammy! Tell Takashi about the color blue! Sky Blue! Sapphire Blue! Hell, Ravenclaw Blue!

Instead, I smiled stupidly at him, blue eyes glued to his. My original thought – blue, blue, blue, blue, blue – catching and tongue emitting only the word that rested in my softly beating heart, I loudly blurted, "Gray!"

Caught off guard, Takashi raised his slender black eyebrows in surprise, a strange expression appearing within mere seconds of this declaration. "I would have guessed blue, since you wear so many shirts and skirts in that color, Sammy-chan." He sounded rather confused with this response.

My cheeks flushed, reddening beneath the scrutiny in his gray eyes, which glanced down at my eyes, nose, cheeks, and mouth with interest. "It, well, I suppose it used to be blue," I mumbled, shrugging away my confusion and picking at my newly painted fingernails. Flecks of blue – not gray – paint dropped to the sand.

"What changed, then?" Takashi asked, genuinely interested in the reason. He extended his hand to me, waiting for mine to be placed in his palm. Fingers wrapped around mine, strong but infinitely gentle, and prevented the further destruction of fingernail polish.

Dropping to the sand, I smiled softly, glancing down at our two intertwined hands and towards the familiar crescent shaped mark in his skin. My thumb brushed down the scar again and curled into his palm. "In the end, I think I did," I honestly explained, drinking in his pleased expression with yet another wide smile.

When Takashi smiled back, his eyes closed peacefully, I squeezed his hand in gratitude. "And I met you, Takashi-kun," I whispered, not realizing that I had said the words aloud until his silver eyes opened and darted to me, surprised.

"Why does our meeting have anything to do with the change in color?" Takashi asked, curiously, and with the most adorably confused expression shining in his eyes. He blinked at me, a small frown visible beneath his sharp nose.

"Your eyes are gray," I shyly admitted, glancing back at him to gauge a reaction. When Takashi only blinked at me again, I grinned sheepishly and shrugged, rather embarrassed with the once closely guarded secret.

My boyfriend did not respond – too shocked to speak, it seemed – and instead blushed red, like the fiery hues of the setting sun. I paused at that observation, eyes slowly flickering upwards, to the orange, purple, and blue clouds that hovered like colorful ghosts in the skies. My lips pulled down at the connection between this change and the earlier conversation with The Host Club. It was indeed nearing sunset, which meant…

"…Haruhi-chan," I mumbled sadly, pulling cold legs upwards, to my warmer chest, and reaching down to wrap my arms around the short limbs. Sighing, I hugged myself to contain the feelings of regret and guilt, which threatened to eat my soul. Nom nom nom.

"Do not worry," Takashi said, his gentle heart shining through his eyes as a sweetly reassuring sentence escaped his lips – "She will forgive you over a simple mistake, Sammy-chan." He offered another crooked smile when I eyed him skeptically. "You meant well…"

I did not move, instead resting chin to palm and glancing at him from the side. Takashi gave me a serious look, which then morphed into a smile to match the gentle grin that I offered him. He ruffled the golden hair hanging in my eyes and chuckled in amusement when I protested loudly, swatting at his hands and pouting at him. Retaliation arrived when I climbed into his wide lap and gazed into his eyes, intent upon silently glaring him into submission.

My Glare of Doom is impossible to resist, Takashi-kun! Fear me! For I am Dragonite! ROAR!

My boyfriend only cocked his head to the side, amused when I mimed the growl, and smirked at the sight of the nest of hair falling into my eyes and curling in the heat of the sun. He raised his eyebrows and politely inquired, "Yes, Koi…?"

Obviously, I could not withstand this sexy man. My defenses faltered, crumbling into nothing, and I moved forward, blue eyes glowing in the fading sunlight – hugged him, kissed his lips with fervor. His tan arms jumped and hovered in the air, debating where to land, before his right hand moved to hold to my waist. The left buried itself in my golden hair, tugging lightly at the strands of hair that dropped into my eyes and down over my ears. A warm sensation settled in my stomach, filling it with heat and sunshine and love.

My boyfriend gently removed his reddened lips from mine, which separated with the faintest popping sound. Takashi brushed the hair back from my eyes, carefully tucking it backwards, and smiled down at me. He hesitantly glanced back, to the cliffs that towered above the blue ocean, where Mitsukuni (im)patiently waited for him to return.

Damn Bambi…

Again, I firmly hugged him around his stone strong chest, refusing to permit my sweet boyfriend to leave me yet. "You're going back to hang out with the rest of the Host Club, aren't you?" I questioned, admittedly sad but also accepting of this fact. He needed to spend time with his friends, too.

"Ah," Takashi said, brushing his right hand through his hair in a practiced motion of thought. He sighed through his nose and drawled, "Truth be told, I really need to make certain that Mitsukuni has not snapped and killed the others in my absence."

"You heard right, Ladies and Gents!" I pretended to wear a paperboy hat, smirked in that endearingly cute way a paperboy would, and roughly called out: "'Bambi Goes Postal!' Read all about it in The New York Times! Page 6A…!"

"Very funny," Takashi grumbled and glared halfheartedly at me. This was not really meant to chastise or deter, however, because the older teenager was smiling faintly, his mouth twisted upwards as a chuckle of amusement passed between his lips.

Stifling laughter at his reaction, I crawled out of his lap and shot upwards, dusting the sand from my palms. "It would be much quieter around here without them, Love, but I suppose that I will let you rush off to the aid of these plebeians," I fancily said, while pretending to curtsy – and failing miserably, might I add.

My boyfriend laughed outright at this pathetic display of acting skills. "True, but I think you would miss Tamaki, Kyoya, and the others before long," Takashi teased, flicking my nose with his index finger and laughing again at my outraged expression.

"More than likely," I honestly agreed with his assessment, before reaching out to capture the offending finger, taking the slender digit in between gentle lips. My tongue reached out to touch the salty tasting skin, which burned faintly against my chapped lips – then, I released it with a giggle.

My boyfriend stilled, momentarily turning to stone. His eyes, cheeks, and demeanor darkened within the blink of an eye and his already deep voice lowered to an even softer, almost seductive tone. Growling faintly, Takashi stared straight into my eyes and warned, "Careful, Koi."

Coughing nervously at the fact that I actually went through with that flirtatious action, I grinned and brightly declared, "Well, I'll leave you to it, then!" Turned around and headed towards the cliff, where I remembered Kotoko mentioning that her friends would meet her. La di da!

"Wait!" Takashi called out, his eyebrows furrowed in concern as my smaller form continued to make its way across a sea of golden sand and pink seashells. His expression lightened when I turned back around to wave and smile at him. "Where are you going?"

Dancing down the beach while waving my arms in the air like a raving lunatic, I zigzagged towards the cliffs and loudly responded, "Don't worry about me! I'll be right down there, with Kotoko-chan and the Golden Trio to keep me company."

Guess that makes me, uh, Buckbeak? Must have grabbed the short end of the stick – er, wand – with that one. Hmm…

He mouthed the second half of this list and paused in thought, clearly processing that this was a reference. My boyfriend blinked slowly and then cautiously questioned, "Yui-chan, Hana-chan, and Emiko-chan, I believe?" Double checking that I would be with girls that would not attempt to beat me up.

Nodding absently at him, I continued to recklessly dart down the beach, bouncing towards the sunbathed cliffs. I gestured to the cave at the other half of the beach, from which ghostly wails and petrified screaming could be heard, and cheerfully said, "Have fun with Mitsukuni-kun!"

With his gentle laughter echoing in my ears and heart, I hurried down the beach, wanting to hang out with Kotoko before the sun sank lower and disappeared completely beneath the horizon. I cringed at the thought of sunset, which I normally loved to witness, to be honest. Dusk was wonderful, dark, and incredibly breathtaking, kind of like Takashi!

This time, however, I was nervous and almost afraid of setting sun – it loomed above the cooling ocean in the distance without warmth. I frowned, feeling unsettled, and hurried further down the beach. Sunset would signal the end of Fear Factor. It could also quite possibly signal the end of the friendship between Haruhi and The Host Club….

"Over here, Sammy-chan!" Kotoko sweetly beckoned, her hands cupped around her mouth to project her normally quiet voice over the edge of the cliff and down the side, to me. She waved and laughed playfully when her voice continued to echo, and echo, and echo.

Blinking in surprise, I paused at the bottom and hesitantly eyed the cliffs. I lifted both hands to cover my eyes against the harsh sunlight and warily asked, "Are you sure that hanging out here is safe, Kotoko-chan?" It was rather close to the water...

My classmate laughed quietly, her jade eyes warm and bright with happiness, something that seemed unusual of late. "Yes, I am almost certain that nothing bad will happen here," Kotoko reassuringly stated, before gesturing to the apparent lack of guardrails and adding, "We only need to be careful."

Always proud and loud, Hana flounced to the edge of the cliff, balancing neatly without fear of the unknown, and positively screamed, "Come on up and spend time with everybody else, Steel-san!" She calmed down marginally at the faintly reproving look that shy Emiko shot her.

"The breeze is very nice," Yui commented gently, her voice soft but firm in its strength. She curled her arms around her back, clasping her hands together and closing her eyes. Hummed lightly – "Mmm, I love the beach…"

"Okay, okay!" I laughed brightly and reached upwards to begin my ascent up the rock staircase that wound around the mountainous cliff, encircling the jagged edges like a snake. "You girls win!"

Slowly, careful of the uneven steps, I made my way up to the top of the cliff, using the wall for support. My eyes shot to the four noble girls, who stared blissfully out into the endless distance with wide, happy eyes. I followed the direction of their eyes and inhaled sharply, stunned at the beauty of the fiery sunset blazing down upon cerulean waters, which softly lapped against the rough edges of the cliff. The ocean seemed to be burning, set ablaze with the fire of the sun!

Throwing caution to the wind, I stepped closer to Kotoko, and thus the edge of the cliff, which I judged to be at least fifty to sixty feet from the ground. She smiled warmly, her face still turned to face the open ocean, and wrapped her smaller hand in mine, squeezing the limb with her own. I did not hesitate in squeezing her hand, curling five slender fingers around hers, and smiling at the beauty of the sunset. Thanking her silently for all of the time spent together. Thanking her for helping me, caring for me, and being there for me. Thanking her for being a wonderful friend.

Just like I wanted to be…

I'm so sorry, Haruhi.

***Author's Note***

Tada! I have updated all three stories of mine! Harry Potter/Twilight, then Lord of the Rings, and OHSHC! Woohoo! :D

So, Haruhi and Sammy are in the midst of fighting, but Takashi and Sammy seem to be making progress in their relationship. I plan to have another important step made at the Beach House (mind out the gutters, ladies) and this is needed for that to happen. Don't worry about Haruhi and Sammy, though! Everything will be better soon. :)

Please read and review, as always! How does 570 reviews or so sound? It would make me deliriously happy to reach 600 soon. Please and thank you! :0)