Chapter 6: Breakdown

Sara awoke to the sound of music. Not loud, not loud enough to wake her at least. But it was a sound that she often did not find in her house while she slept. Stretching she climbed out of bed, it had been a long night. Waking up each hour to wake Grissom and check on him was tiring, at times he had been difficult, clearly exhausted and just wanting to sleep. It was the times when he was due for his pain medication that he became the worse.

Finally getting out of bed Sara wondered down the hallway to find where the music was coming from.

Jade had been wired since she got back from shadowing Greg on a graveyard shift. She understood now why Grissom had loved his job as a CSI. It was like a new research project presented with each case. Instead of having a hypothesis to start with, and than finding the results, you started with the results and had to work back to the hypothesis. Jade preferred her field to anything else, but she had a bit more respect for forensics.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Sara asked walking over to the half full coffee pot.

"In a bit." Jade said looking up from her laptop, "The music didn't wake you? I tried to keep it down. I left my headphones in Greg's car."

"No didn't wake me." Sara said, "I have to wake Grissom up in a bit." Sara offered looking at the girl refusing to offer her more coffee as she seemed to have already drank way too much coffee. "What are you working on?"

"I just need to type my notes up from last night, finish a couple more paragraphs in my dissertation, and respond to a bunch of students who are worried about class material." Jade answered not looking up from her laptop.

Before Sara could go wake Grissom there was a knock on the door. Looking at the clock in the living room she saw it was now 9 am. Who would be there that early in the morning?

Looking out the peep hole Sara saw a face she had not expected. Opening it she smiled despite what she may have felt, "Hey Rick."

"Hello Sara." Rick said smiling at her, "I wanted to see if you happened to have time for breakfast, lunch, or dinner anytime this week?"

Boy was he desperate, Sara thought, "Probably not." Sara frowned, "I have some guest in town."

"Really?" Rick said looking confused she previously brushed him off because of work. Now she had guest in town?

"Grissom who you meant yesterday, and his graduate student are staying with me."

Rick smile returned, her ex-husband, "How is he?" Rick had been at the scene because he was a local reporter.

"He is dong ok." Sara said.

"Do you think he might do an interview for the station?" Rick asked, "He is sort of the hero of the story."

"I doubt it." Sara replied with a deep frown on her face. Was Rick just here for that? No he couldn't be he didn't know Grissom was staying here. Quickly she added, "Please don't tell anyone he is staying here. He is only here to avoid the media."

"Don't worry the secret is safe with me." Rick laughed.

"Do you want some coffee?" Sara offered, she liked Rick. He was an ok person. A good running buddy, and the occasional dinner with him was not horrible. There was also the occasional sex with not strings. That was not bad. She sometimes hated herself, but she was a woman and she had needs. They both understood they were just companions filling the void in each others lives.

"Yes please." He said walking into the house.

Sara led him to the kitchen where she poured him a cup of coffee. "Sugar is over there." She indicated knowing Rick took sugar in his coffee.

"Thanks."

"I need to go wake Grissom up real quick." She said trying to make an exit out of the kitchen.

"No need." Grissom's rough pain filled voice called back to her as he was slowly making his way towards the kitchen.

"Morning Doc." Jade called to him from her spot at the table.

"Have you been to sleep yet?" Grissom asked her.

"Nope." She said, "Soon I promise."

Sara grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and handed it to Grissom when he reached the kitchen.

"Thank you." Grissom said opening the bottle taking a drink while staring down Rick.

"Hi I'm Rick, we meant yesterday." Rick said holding his hand out.

"I remember." Grissom said, "You are Sara's friend."

"Yes." Rick said smiling at Grissom wondering what Sara ever saw in the man before him and if he knew Sara was more than a "friend".

"Are either of you hungry?" Sara asked looking between the two man who were eyeing each other.

"Yes." Rick said.

Grissom did not answer right away. The broth had stayed down, so that was a small victory, but he was not sure about other food yet. "A bit." He finally answered.

"How about you both go watch some TV and I'll make breakfast." Sara said.

"I can cook." Grissom offered, "Since you are not very good at cooking."

"Actually Sara is a very good cook." Rick said grinning at Grissom because he wanted to show Grissom he knew Sara better.

"I took went to a couple of classes with Greg." Sara filled Grissom in on changes in her life. "So go sit down and I'll make some breakfast." She gently grabbed Grissom's arm to push him out of the kitchen.

Grissom stopped moving and asked, "Is my medicine in the bathroom?"

"Yes on the counter."

"Ok I'm going to go shower than." Grissom said feeling the sweat that had covered him the night before on his skin.

"You going to be ok?"

"Much studier today." Grissom said feeling like a child, but keeping his anger in check. He hated how she made him feel like a lesser person in front of her "friend".

"Can I help?" Rick offered.

"You can cut the veggies." Sara said handing him a knife and a cutting board.

Grissom found himself leaning against the shower wall. His head resting against his forearm that rested on the tile, while he let the hot water run down his neck and his back. Exhaustion threatened to take over his body if it were not for the pain. The hot water felt nice, as it trickled down his body relaxing the painful muscles in his back. His head hurt, but he could not help but think about Sara. Being close with her again, sleeping in their house in the guest room, how she had changed in the time he had been away. How he missed her, missed her touch, missed her everything at times. But he didn't miss Vegas.

Jade must have moved to the living room because Grissom could hear her music in the bathroom as he showered. As per usual he had no idea who the band was, it was another one of Jade's many favorites.

The sun is gone and the flowers rot
Words are spaces between us
And I should've been drown in the rivers I've found of token lost
And I should've been down when you made me insecure

Many would blame Grissom, he was a selfish jerk after all. He had hurt Sara so many times before they ever got together. It was not on purpose. Yes he had called her and asked her to come to Vegas, and he had asked her to stay multiple times when she wanted to leave. He needed her near, but not too close. Not as close as she wanted to be. At first he assumed it was a school girl crush. Many women get crushes on their professors, hell even men get crushes on their female professors or whatever combination you wish to make. He thought it would fade, had hoped it would fade. Sara was dangerous to him, she was his Achilles hill, or maybe she would be the one thing that would make Icarus fly too close to the sun and fall to the Earth. Either way she was nothing but trouble for him, no matter how much he cared for her.

It did not help matters that he was naturally flirtatious. Half the time he did not even know he was flirting, Catherine had warned him a few times about his actions. Not that he was sexually harassing anyone, just being too open. He was a man after all he couldn't help it.

Sara was danger, a big red sign should have hung around her neck a warning, caution I bring trouble. The idea of being with Sara scared him, caused him to panic, and the idea of her leaving him had the same reaction. The fear and panic was not simply the small rise in heart rate likely accompanied by the sweat glands activating, no it was the full blown the world is going to end, oh my god I'm going to die panic attack fear. He had hated himself for hurting her, after he realized it was not just a school girl crush. It was not on purpose. Yes he may be a selfish bastard, but that was him, and always would be him. Sara could be the death of everything he had gained in his life, of his life.

But his motives for not being with Sara were not selfish, at least not in his eyes. Not being with Sara was the best option. He had resigned himself to being alone for his life. Relationships with others never quite worked out right. The closest relationship he had ever had was with Catherine, and that was purely work related and the occasional after work time when a particularly bad case occurred or her now dead husband was a little too much for Catherine. Once he was resigned to being alone the rest of his life, as he had spent most of his life, it was easy to be alone and not have to worry about anyone else. Where a family or love would have fulfilled his life, instead came his career. He was the best forensic scientist, and that was not pride. That was the countless offers he received to go work for other labs to help bring up their rankings, the countless universities offering him a lecture position or even a tenure track position, and the countless offers he got to become a private consultant. None of that would have been possible if he had allowed himself to live in the world and love someone.

Loving Sara meant a possible end to all of that. She was now his subordinate, and if anyone got wind of a relationship between the two of them, both of their reputations would be tarnished. His reputation was all he had, that had been his life, it had been what filled the void he created to protect himself from pain that he knew would come if he opened himself to people. People had never taken to him, they always found him weird and unworthy once they got to know him. No it had been his safest choice to not let her in because she would end everything he had built. Each of those little bricks he had managed to bring about to build his wall. When he let her in even a little she started to knock down those bricks, and break the wall. The wall was for safety.

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye

But he gave into her eventually. He tried not to, he tried to date other woman to get Sara out of his system. Teri Miler, he never truly loved, he lusted after her and was curious about the woman, but she was not Sara. Sophia was a joke, she was very good looking and had a extremely hot body, but that was all.

He eventually gave into Sara though. Didn't that count for something? No he could not make up for all the pain he had caused her. That was something he regretted. She was never fully allowed behind his walls because he still needed them. Forty years of living behind the walls, he could not just knock them down and walk outside them. Prisoners who spent less time in prison spoke of how scary it had been to leave the prison. He was in his own self made prison, and he had not seen that, still did not fully understand that idea. Sara had brought some light into the prison. She showed him it was possible to have it all, and someone could love him. Maybe not for all that was him because she still tried to pick away at the wall and change little things about him. He needed that wall, it was his sanctuary.

None of that mattered though. The first real problem they had came in the form of that bitch Nathalie. She had sent everything crashing down around Sara and Grissom. The Sara that returned from the desert was not his Sara. Grissom had seen that, and he had tried to be there for her. God had he tried with all that he was. He was more than willing to smash the wall down if he knew it would help her, but it wouldn't. He was losing her and he could see it even that early in the downfall of their relationship. No matter how hard he tried to grasp and hold onto her she would no longer let him.

When she said she was leaving to go battle her demons, he had offered to leave everything behind and go with her. She turned him down, telling him it was her battle to be fought. It had hurt, he had shown her he was willing to throw all that mattered to him, all he had built up gone, just to be with her. Just to support her in her attempt to battle the demons that haunted her. She pushed him away.

He got over that hurt. He understood and even thought her brave for being willing to go out and slay her demons, something he could not do himself. They had talked and he could tell she was getting stronger, better. Sara would eventually return to him, or so he had hoped. His Sara would come back, maybe not to CSI, but there was something she could do in Vegas.

Than Warrick was murdered. It had been the lowest point in Grissom's life, or so he had thought. He had held his dear friend in his arms, and watched the life seep out of him. He had tried to apply pressure, begged Warrick to stay with him, he had been so wrapped up in keeping Warrick alive, that he did not even notice Warrick trying to tell Grissom who had killed him. Now in the shower Grissom was scrubbing his arms and body now, feeling the warm sticky blood of his friend still covering him. Tears had reached his eyes as the water dripped down.

Sara came back for the funeral. She appeared at the apartment the day before, having heard Grissom's plea over voicemail to come home, that something bad had happened. Home, he needed her to come home please. He had broken down on the phone. He was broken, a shell of the man he had once been. Since Warrick died in his arms, since he saw the last bit of life seep out of his dear friend, and Warrick's eyes loss all of their light, he had not slept. No matter how much he drank he still woke up screaming when the memory haunted him in his sleep. The first night they slept in the same bed together, a chasm between them even in their bed. When Grissom awoke screaming, all Sara did was rush out of the room and bring back a cup of cool water, gently rubbing his arm as he panted soaked in sweat. She offered mummers of support, but she refused to take her husband, her lover, in her arms and hold him. Grissom would have let her, if she had asked him anything at that moment he would have told her. He was truly vulnerable from the pain of the loss, the chasm between his wife and himself, and the haunting memories of past cases he could not keep out and Warrick's dead eyes.

The funeral was the worst of it all. He could not even force himself to finish the eulogy. The tin man had a heart, and it felt like it had been ripped out of his body, stomped on until it was a squished mess, and than finally broken into a million pieces glued back together and stuck back inside his body. Something he had tried to protect himself from ever since the day he lost his father. His father might have been a bastard, but that was his father. It hurt when the old man died, hurt more when no one talked about it, as if nothing happened. It was then that Grissom began to build the walls to protect himself from ever having to feel that again. But people got through, Warrick got through, Sara got through, each of the team members had little spots where they had chipped through the outer wall and they mattered to him.

And I'm the one you can never trust
'cause wounds are ways to reveal us
And yeah I can have tried and devoted my life to both of us
But what a waste of time when the world we have is yours

When Sara told him she had to leave only two days after the funeral, he had felt a huge blow from her. It hurt for her to say she had to go. He had begged her to stay, maybe not in a way a normal person would beg, but in the closest way it came to Grissom begging for comfort. Something he had never expected to receive from anyone because he never did before, but something he needed now. Something that Sara had made him hope was possible at some point, a dream. He knew not to believe in dreams, even when it seems like they come true they eventually go away. Without Sara and because of everything he was burning out, he could see it, but he knew he could not prevent it.

He had warned her, that they would not survive this if they did not work together. He did not say that he would not survive this, but it was what he meant. He had told her that if they did not work on their relationship it would wither away. They would be no more eventually. She refused to listen to him, she had told them their love was strong that they would get through whatever the world had thrown at them because they always had. It was the closest he came to begging her to stay.

Sara had told him he could come this time, he should come this time, that if they needed to be together he should come with her. Get out of Vegas it will be good for you. But he couldn't. He could not turn his back on the team. They needed him now more than ever. He needed to be there to be strong for them. Catherine was a wreck, Nick barely kept it together, and Greg was suffering too. They needed the tin man to help them move on, to set an example. That he could do, but who was going to be there for him? Not Sara. He couldn't leave his life, not the one he had built, for something that was on shaky ground. What happens if he left, and they could not repair what they had? He would loss everything, and that would be the end of Gilbert Arthur Grissom. Maybe that made him a coward, he was never as brave as Sara, but it was a chance he was not sure he could take.

He was hurting, he had done everything he could to try to keep it together. To try to keep him and Sara together. She ignored the signs he clearly showed, she ignored what anyone who knew Grissom even a bit would see as pleas for help from him. Catherine had even noticed Grissom was in need of help, but she had no idea how to help her friend. It was so clear that when he showed up at Lady Heathers door, shaking from the rain that he had stood in for a good half hour before he knocked on her door, knowing he was making a decision that could very well end everything. Lady Heather had seen the pain, she had hinted at what she saw she had told him "You have changed". She knew not to push Grissom. Grissom would tell her in due time what was wrong. He had to seek comfort from a friend because his wife could not be there to comfort him. Sara finding out would be the worse possible thing, especially when he stayed at Lady Heathers.

He had asked her to stay with him, in that room. He had allowed himself to be comforted by her. She had sat on the bed, refusing to do anything else with Grissom, though he wanted to sleep with her. He wanted to make Sara hurt at that moment, but Lady Heather wouldn't let him. Instead she sat on the bed, and pulled him to her, like Sara should have done instead of leaving him. He lay his head on her lap, and she gently ran her hands through his hair as he lay there fighting back tears. He was so tired, so very fucking tired at that time. All he wanted to do was close his eyes and not think of Sara or Warrick or any of the cases that haunted him. Somewhere between the gentle hands caressing his head, much like Sara had done when he had a migraine, and the tears he silently cried, he had finally passed out from exhaustion. He awoke the next morning alone. Lady Heather had been gracious enough to act like the night before had never happened. She allowed him to save face, and for that he was grateful. He hated himself for the weakness he had shown, for allowing her to see inside him, but she always could. That was why he had sought her out that night. He needed someone to tell him what he felt, where he had gone wrong. Someone had to tell the tin man it was ok to feel, that he could break down, just for a bit, that it was acceptable. Lady Heather did not have to speak the words to him, she made it possible for him, and protected him while he silently cried.

Lady Heather had told him, in a sense it was his fault, that he was where he was with Sara. Not choosing and been his choice. What he could not say than was he could not choose because he needed some reassurance there was something there to salvage. Sara had not been in contact much after Warrick's death. He had been left to deal, and she had been to busy for him. He needed something, anything, to show him he was running to something. Giving up everything, for Sara, to live in Sara's world, was a huge step. He needed to know it would mean something. Sara could not tell him that if she did not talk to him.

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye

The question he still had not completely formed an answer to was why did he ask for a divorce, why did he decided it all had to end. He finally took the leap and left everything to be with Sara. They had survived that time together. The team he left behind to be with her, so they could work on their relationship, so he could heal too. Sara had told him she could not breathe in Vegas, she felt like she was drowning. There was no way she could ever go back. So he took the leap of faith, the scariest leap of faith. It had scared him more than when he decided to let Sara in, even just a tiny bit.

All of that came crashing down. One call and she was going back to Vegas. The place she swore she could never go back to. The place she made him leave if he wanted to be with her. The place he could not return to himself at the time because he was still trying to heal. He had opened up to Sara more during their time away from Vegas. He had let her know about how much losing Warrick had hurt, how he approached burnout. It was not good enough. She had told him in Paris that she could not stay there because she was alone. Even when he was there, she was alone. He had never invested in the relationship. She had told him she truly believed he was emotionally inept, that he felt nothing. Despite all he had told her, she still believed him to be the tin man. There were other words, words even now he could not think of because they would hurt too much.

Even that had not been the breaking point. He still loved Sara, even from the distance they now maintained. The next job came, taking him to Peru. He could not go back to Vegas for long. When he had come back it was to collect more of the stuff he needed, and he was off again to go study. It was his turn to fight his demons, but he never said that to Sara. It was her turn to ask him to stay, to be there. He couldn't. He gave up Vegas, he had decided it was time to move on, and burnout was ever present still. So he left her.

There were missed trips, trips that became longer and longer apart, and than no attempts on eithers part to meet up. He was busy working, he had found his passion again in Peru. He felt happy for the first time in a long time. There was no magical moment or specific catalysts that brought the relationship to a crashing halt. Honestly, the end of the relationship came one day when he was walking back to camp in Peru. He had been back for less than a month. Sara's birthday was coming up soon, and he was to fly back to have dinner with her. It had been a simple moment of looking at a beautiful stream of water and the words of Lady Heather popping into his head at some random moment.

"Most relationships are over before they end. It is still a death, you mourn the loss of conflicting emptions. But often times there is a sense of relief. We have all experienced it but no one wants to admit it."

He remembered he had told her, "I didn't say the relationship was over."

She replied, "You didn't have to not making a decision was your decision."

Than he had remembered the video Sara had sent him, and her words, "You don't have to worry about me anymore. I'm good. I'm really good. And honestly, I think it is better this way."

It was at that moment, he realized what Sara had been trying to tell him. She was ok without him, she did not need him. She did not want him. It was better they were apart. It was fine. He had once told her that if she left him it would be the end of him, and she was letting him know he could leave when he was ready, that she was ready, but she would wait around as long as he needed to mourn the end of them. She was feeling those feelings of relief that no one would speak about. Grissom could not tell you how this beautiful calm stream of water brought all of that on. Maybe it was just because he had finally given himself a moment to think. But it was than he knew he had to let Sara go. He would still mourn their relationship, but she needed to be free. She needed someone who could be with her completely, open, healed, and happy. He could not keep her captive anymore, she needed to be free to fly away. It would hurt, there would be a huge empty space in his life she had forced him to clear out for her, but he could do this for her for them. What they were was broken, and it could not be fixed. So he contacted a lawyer and ask her to draft up separation papers. He made sure they would be delivered well before Sara's birthday so not to taint the day for her.

The conversation had not been a happy one. He barely had reception on his phone, and he tried to explain to her his motives, without fully explain his motives because he was Grissom after all. She had called him names and it hurt, but he was ok. If she hated him or was angry with him, so much the better, and if that helped her completely let go of him and move on with her life all the better. He could do this one thing for her, cause himself a tremendous pain, it would make up for all the times he hurt her. This was one last time he would hurt her. He had warned her as soon as they got through the separation period, there would be divorce papers. He politely requested that she allow movers to take whatever was left of his and place it in storage place he already had arranged.

Despite what some might think, Grissom really had tried to make it back for her birthday. He was not sure if she would be there, and part of him had hoped she wouldn't be simply because he was not sure he would be welcome if he showed up. But it would give him a chance to tell her in person that he wanted a divorce, that he wanted her to be free. Fate would have it that he could not get a flight out. The weather was horrible and he was stuck in the airport the day of Sara's birthday and most of the next day. He was afraid to text her because what if she had moved on, what if she had completely forgotten about their plan to meet on her birthday. He did not want to open those wounds (in himself).

It was the text from Hodges that told him he had done the correct thing in separating from Sara and not texting her on her birthday. Hodges had told him about Sara having been with a victim, that she was the original suspect, but no one but Hodges believed it. Eventually, it was shown to be some crazy stalker. That had worried Grissom, but Hodges quickly followed up with that Nick, Greg, and Catherine were taking care of Sara. That while they were all team Sara (Nick and Greg specifically) Hodges would remain team Grissom.

Finally when Grissom got to Vegas he avoided everyone. Hodges had made it clear that they had taken Sara's side, and Grissom was fine with that. He knew the guys would look after her. He need not put himself in the mix. By the sounds of it he was such a bastard, just like his father had told him many of times, that everyone was pissed at him. A bastard for hurting Sara again, for not being there for his wife. It was bad enough that the only person left willing to take his side was the one person who would take Grissoms side even if Grissom had been found with a bloody knife in his hand standing over a dead body screaming he had done it.

It was better for everyone anyways, that he stayed away. It would help him the most, if he was honest, to make a clean break. If he saw Sara again, or had to explain himself or avoid explaining himself to anyone, he knew he would not have the ability to move forward with the divorce. It often felt like he needed Sara more than he needed oxygen, but he knew Sara needed him like another hole in the head (how is that for clichés, now back to the story). It might make him a selfish coward, but if that was what he was then he would just have to accept it.

While in Vegas he stayed in a hotel, a cheap dump actually. The reason for that was to avoid any chance of Catherine knowing he was in town. Eventually he went to his mothers, telling her that he would only be there for a few days while he arranged a job out East. He had been contacted by a Research 1 institution looking for him to help build up their Criminal Justice and Criminology program. He would spend his first year teaching and aiding in building a forensic track for the undergraduate and later graduate program. If he wished he could be what they called DGS (director of graduate studies). It came with a bit more responsibility but would make building the graduate program in forensic easier. All he had to do was an interview, which he would easily get through, and then they could formally offer him the position as a tenured professor. While he did not go through the tenure track, he was respected enough in his fields of study that he could be a full tenured professor with a special appointment.

It was while he was interviewing that the divorce papers arrived at Sara's door. She had tried to call him, but his number was no more. When she called his mom, she had told Sara that Grissom had been back in Vegas, but would not be back. Grissom never left the East coast town he called home now after the interview. The day after the interviews were over, he was offered the job, he signed his contract a week later, and found a house two days later. Movers packed all of his stuff at his moms, and in the storage unit and brought them to him. Cowardly, maybe, but was it what he had to do to make sure he stayed in one piece emotionally and cause less damage to everyone else around him, yes it was.

The water had run cold by time Grissom finished his trip through his memories. He had been taken back not by the cold water, but by the knock on the door.

"Gil you ok?" Sara asked not wanting to invade Grissom's privacy.

With a rough voice he responded, "Yes."

Sara noted the pain in his voice, she mistook the emotional pain for physical pain. "Breakfast is ready."

"I'll be out in a minute." Grissom said turning the water off and grabbing a towel. The towel was warm thanks to the towel warmer Sara must have had put in sometime since he left. He remembered how much she had hated cold towels. On days he had been a right old jerk, and he had convinced her to come over to his house or when they were married and she came home for the night, he would rush a towel to the dryer while she was in the bath or shower and bring it to her when it was warm. Instead of giving her flowers, he gave her warm towels, cool cases, and the biggest piece of himself he could spare without losing himself completely.

A/N:

1. First as always thank you for the reviews, very much appreciated.

2. Second, last chapter's A/N probably should not have happened. I was drunk (don't drink kids liquor is bad for you and your liver will hate you the next day) and I was pissed off. In no way do I think all women are just after a ring and want to change a man.

3. I know DB was the nightshift supervisor when the events occurred for Forget me not, but it didn't work so I'm taking some liberties here. (I only have seen a few episodes with DB in it)

4. Sara fans beware. In my defense, this is a guys view on the situation (that some of you were interested in). Though I kept the Sara bashing down. I am just making a case from how I think Grissom would see it.

5. Only a handful chapters left (this thing is already over 100 pages in word), sorry it is a much shorter update than usual blame it on Man U losing today.

6. Song is Breakdown by Seether