A/N: sorry about the delay. RL gets in the way.

Songs in order: You're Beautiful ending by One Less reason, The Truth is by Melissa Ferrick, and Forever by Aaron Lewis.

Chapter 8: The Truth Is

It had been an eventful afternoon at Heathers. For the third time that day someone was knocking on her door. Heather smiled as she opened the door, "Hello Sara."

"Can I speak to Gil?" Sara asked looking at the woman she had once been jealous of, and maybe a bit jealous now as Grissom had run to her. The rational side of Sara's mind reminded her there really was no one else for Grissom to run to.

"Come in." Heather said moving to the side to allow Sara entrance into her home. Heather found it interesting at how surprised Sara looked when she stepped in to allow Sara into her home.

"Would you like some tea?" Heather asked leading Sara into the living room.

"No thanks. Where is Gil?" Sara asked looking around for her ex-husband.

"Let me see if he is awake and feeling like company." Heather said with no intention of keeping Gil from Sara, "Please wait here."

"Ok." Sara said not surprised by how protective Heather was being of Gil. She the foot steps up the stairs, a soft knock, followed by hushed voices. She could not make out what was being said, or any emotions in the voices but she knew one of them was Gil's.

Heather returned and Sara felt a lump rise in her throat. Gil had turned her away, otherwise he would have came down with Lady Heather.

"He is still exhausted, and in pain," Heather began, "But if you wish I can take you up to see him." Lady heather said, "But I request that you try not to upset him. He needs to rest. Gil has been through a lot over the last couple of days."

"I know."

"I know you know, but please understand." Heather said, "Detective Brass was here earlier."

"I already talked with him."

"Good. He was going to arrest Gil." Lady Heather said seeing the surprise on Sara's face.

Sara said looking down at her feet, "I'm sorry about all of this. You should not have to get involved."

"I am happy to help. Gil is a dear friend of mine. He needs one now and I am happy to be there for him…" Seeing the look on Sara's face Heather continued "As he has been for me in the past."

"Thank you." Sara replied softly wondering if Heather had other intentions.

"Follow me I'll take you to him." Heather led Sara up the stairs to her guest bedroom. Once again she knocked softly on the door and pushed it open. Grissom was sitting in an old Queen Ann style chair, the chair that Heather had slept in the night before. There was another one across a small chest board table for Sara to sit in. The lights in the room were dimmed so that it was almost completely dark. "I will be back with more tea."

"Thank you Heather." Grissom's voice was rough, he was clearly in pain and he looked as if he was fighting a battle just to keep his eyes open.

Sara walked into the room cautiously. How to start a conversation was all she was thinking about.

"Sara." It came out almost as a plea, Grissom thought Sara was there to fight again. She looked determined, the look he knew all to well. When aimed at him the look usually meant a verbal sparring, not as bad as the one at Sara house, never that bad, "I can't do this now." Grissom looked so fragile at that moment. "I don't have the energy to argue again."

He was honest with her, exhaustion was clear in all of his features. "I just can't. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything." His hand moved up to his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose trying to push the pain away. The never-ending ping of pain that was the migraine wreaking havoc on his ability to think, to protect himself.

Sara could see the pain in his eyes, the familiar rubbing of his eyes, which told her he had a migraine. "I am not here to fight again Gil. I should be apologizing to you." Sara said softly. "How is your head?"

"Who told you?" Grissom asked wondering if Heather had tried to guilt Sara into leaving or if Jim had told her about the damage Grissom had sustained at her house.

"No one." Sara said, "There is blood on my way where your head it."

"It wasn't you, at least I don't think." Grissom said, "I hit the wall hard when Rick punched me. I think I hit my head than and that is what broke it open. "

"It was where I pushed you into the wall." Sara said softly feeling ashamed of her own actions.

"Transference. I was already bleeding and my head did touch the wall, but never hard enough to hurt." Grissom stated, he was not lying to Sara he was almost certain the blow that had him taking out the table was what broke the stiches on the back of his head.

"We need to talk." Sara said, "Really talk."

Grissom looked so vulnerable, Sara was not sure if it was the right time so she added, "We can do this later if you wish, when you are feeling better." She offered trying to find her own way to chicken out of the conversation they needed to have.

Grissom studied Sara to see if she was telling the truth, if her intentions were purely to talk and not fight. They had screamed and fought so much there was not much left to argue about, but he knew they would find something.

Sara frowned when she saw his bloodshot eyes. He looked as if she could take him out just by breathing to heavy near him. The light was gone, the once blue eyes now were dulled to a greyish blue. Pain was evident, not just physical pain, a deep emotional pain that Sara had not seen before. How long had that pain been there? How did she never notice it? Or was Grissom too tired to hold up the walls, to keep the façade he has crafted to perfect. At that moment she just wanted to grab him and pull him into a deep hug. To hold him, and take all his pain upon herself, but she knew that was not possible.

Sighing as if resigned, Grissom said "No time is better than the present." He knew if they did not talk now they probably never would, and they needed to talk.

"Grissom you look…"

"Horrible I know. I took my medicine it should kick in soon." He said softly. "The doctor said I should be ok in a couple of days after proper rest."

"I am sorry about what happened at the house. I never expected any of it when I invited you to stay, I truly thought we could get through it without fighting."

"It is ok. You did not know that was going to happen." Grissom said giving her an out, "Have you heard from Jade? She's not answering my phone calls?" He was worried about her, he had said horrible things in his rage, things he knew he could not take back. Things he did not truly mean.

"Greg let me know she was staying with him. He convinced her to hang around until we were sure there was not going to be trial."

"Good." Was all Grissom said truly relieved that Jade found someone to seek refuge with. It was not like she could lock herself in the graduate office and hide from him. They were in unfamiliar area where Jade had no one to go to, except Greg who Grissom knew would keep an eye on her. He rubbed his eyes again, he was so tired, and his head hurt. He just wanted to sleep, but this needed to be done.

"I don't know where to begin." Sara said looking at the man who still could make her feel like a tongue tied teenager with her first crush.

"Me either." Grissom agreed shifting in the chair trying to find a position that was comfortable. Trying to find the energy to start the conversation that he needed to have with Sara.

So they sat in silence until Heather returned with another soft knock on the door. She brought the tea into the room and set it down on the table. She looked at Grissom, normally she would not ask him again so soon, but she wanted to make sure the conversation remained just a conversation. She was not sure how much more Gil could take before he collapsed completely, gently reached out to rub his arm, "Are you ok?"

"Yes thank you Heather." He said not shying away from Heathers reassuring touch. It hurt Sara to see Heather comforting Grissom. It should be Sara doing it, but she was not sure how he would react to her touching him after everything that had happened.

"If you need me I'll be downstairs." Heather said looking from Grissom to Sara. Part of her wanted to grab them both and make them talk, but she knew it was something they had to work out on their own.

Once she left Grissom poured them both tea and he took a sip of his. Sara noticed his hand shaking slightly as he lifted the cup. "Are you sure you are ok?"

"Yes." Grissom said, "What about you?"

"Fine. My hand hurts." Sara felt stupid instantly for complaining about her hand.

"I figured." He said not adding that his jaw hurt too. No reason to hurt her anymore than he already had.

They sat in silence again, neither of them knowing how to start the conversation that was needed. Sara watched as Grissom fought off sleep. His eyes would start to slowly close, and he would seem to catch himself and than open them wider.

"Gil come on you are tired. Go lay down." Sara said getting up from the chair and holding out her hand to him.

"We need to talk." He said almost pleading with her.

"And we will. But not now. Neither of us knows what to say." Sara said, "Come on lay down. I'll stay and we can talk after you have rested." Sara paused for a few seconds and when nothing came from Grissom she quickly added, "If that is what you want? "

"Are you sure you want to stay?" Grissom said trying not to sound too anxious about her staying. He really wanted her to stay, he didn't want to talk, but he knew they had to. Right now he did not know if he could, he was just tired. "You don't have to if you don't want to."

"I want to. It is if you will have me?" Sara said "We both could do with the rest." She smiled softly at him.

"Thank you." Grissom said indicating that yes he wanted her to stay.

Sara sat down and pulled Grissom to her as he went to lie down. She went to pull his head to her lap, much like Heather had comforted when he sought out her after Warrick's death. The way Grissom had wished Sara would have comforted him.

"No." Grissom said trying to move his head away from Sara's lap.

Sara cut him off, "Gil shut up and let me comfort you." Sara said, "It is ok."

He laid his head back down and sighed, but his body was still tensed as if preparing for a battle to start. Sara began to gently run her hand through his curly grey hair. As the time slowly passed she could see him relax more and more. His head became heavier and heavier in her lap. After awhile Sara heard the familiar sound of her ex-husbands soft snoring. He was asleep, his arms wrapped around her leg in his sleep holding onto her for dear life, as if she got up and left him he would tumble into oblivion. She was content to sit there and let him rest.

It was than that she finally heard the soft music coming from an iPod/CD combo player on the nightstand. It was a weird choice of music for Gil Grissom. Sara smiled she was sure she knew who was behind the soft relaxing yet depressing song that now played softly.

I looked into your eyes to find the light had been gone for years

And there are only tears left

While Grissom slept, Sara studied her ex-husband. She saw the lines that had formed on his face, he had aged since the last time she had truly taken the time to study him. He looked so beaten, warn out, even in his sleep. A concern was etched across her face and a pain in her heart, as she remembered how peaceful he use to sleep. He had always looked like a little boy, innocent in his sleep. Now he looked every bit of his age, pain etched on his face, all of the years of pain clear in his slumber.

They had caused serious damage to each other. She knew that, but would they be able to repair what was broken. She hoped so, for the sake of the man that now slept. Love meant not keeping score of who hurt who the worse, she was sure that despite what outsiders might think, they were likely tied by now. Could she continue her life without Grissom? At one time she had thought so, but now as she looked down at him she was not so sure. He had been her everything. She smiled as she remembered Grissom that she had meant in San Francisco. He was a different man, a very different man. Now he did not seem to even have the energy to fight for himself. If he could not fight for himself, would he be willing to fight for them? It would be a battle for them to resolve everything.

You better hold me down, stand me up keep me safe

While I'm falling to pieces

And tell me how should I bend if all I've known is to break

Shifting to awaken her legs that felt like they were now tingling because of Grissom's weight, she became even more troubled by how he mumbled in his sleep it sounded like a plea, but the words had not quite formed.

"It's ok Gil. I'm not leaving." She trying to comfort him, returning to running her hand through his hair. He sighed softly in his sleep, and quieted digging his head further into her stomach.

Sara's exhaustion was tugging at her. The soft music, and the rhythm of Grissom's breathing lulled her into a calm state. It was all familiar, how many times had they been in this position before? Her soothing him while he slept off a migraine? Would it ever happen again? Was this the last time she would hold Grissom in her arms while he slept? How many times had he held her while she slept or cried? How many times had he shown up, maybe later than she wanted, but he always found a way to comfort her. Better late than never, but he had always been there for her, until he wasn't anymore. Was that what she missed? Having someone there? No, because she still had her work family. Any one of them would be there in a heartbeat if she asked them. Did Grissom have that anymore? Did he have anyone? Had he ever allowed anyone that chance? Sara occasionally got the chance, especially when he was weak from pain, but emotionally no.

The fear started to rise, but as soon as she felt it start to take hold, a familiar soft snore brought her back to reality. Could they repair them? Was there something to repair? Or were they truly over, and could she accept that? Before he came back into her life, even if he had tried hard not to, she would have said yes. She could deal without Grissom. Now, she was not so sure she could just turn her back on him, on them.

Slowing her own breathing, she told herself one thing at a time, she thought. Talk first, than decide the future, and hope the future included him. She sighed closing her eyes.

It had been at least an hour since Heather left the couple to talk. She had not heard any yelling coming from the upstairs. It was reassuring, maybe Sara took her warning about Gil not being in any state to fight. Maybe the two were having a civilized conversation and sorting out the mess that became them. Yeah right, Heather snickered at the thought. She did not know Sara, other than the occasional meeting and what Gil had told her about the other woman. What she did know was the two were notorious for not communicating. The fight between them had been surprising, but it was likely necessary to get all of the residual pain and anger out of the way. A catalyst to healing over. When an infection festered under a scab, you could not let the scab remain in place. You had to rip it out of place and attack the infection. Their anger and pain had been their infection, the scab had started to heal despite the infection, but now it was gone.

Deciding to check on the two house guest when she heard no noise coming from the upstairs, Heather walked up the stairs. Once at the door she listened for voices, and was greeted with Gil's soft snores. Knocking softly, Heather opened the door and looked inside.

Heather smiled as she checked on the two. Sara was asleep, her back against the wall in a sitting position. One of Sara's hand rested softly, her palm over Grissom's heart. Grabbing a blanket out of her linen closet Heather covered the couple up the best she could in their current position. She wondered if the intimacy the two where sharing now would be enough to help them mend bridges. Probably not, the two needed to have a serious conversation, and hash out the damage they had caused without descending into a yelling match. That would not result in any true communication occurring between the broken couple.

Sara heard a soft cry that felt like it was vibrating off her stomach. Opening her eyes, she was momentarily confused about her location. The room was not familiar, as she became more awake she remembered. Looking down she saw Grissom who was now curled up into her, his face pushed against her stomach. He must have been the source of the cries. Unable to see his face she was not sure if he was awake. Moving her hand from where it had been resting on his back, she gently moved it up to his head, "Griss?"

"No please don't." he mumbled.

"Don't what Griss?" Sara asked trying to see if he was awake.

"Please don't. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. Please." His breathing was becoming more rapid. Sara wanted to wake him up, but she was afraid of startling him more.

"NO!" He screamed waking himself up he shot up from where he had been, the only thing that kept him on the bed was that Sara had grabbed him before he tumbled over.

"It's ok Griss. You're safe." Sara said seeing fear in her former husbands eyes.

Grissom was panting, his hands moved to his head that ached. Now sitting with Sara's arms still around him, he looked around confused. Her arms was the only thing that kept him on the bed, he wanted to flee the room, flee to safety from the demons that haunted him in his sleep.

Sara saw fear in Grissom's features as he searched around the room and struggled to get away from her. She moved her hand to gently rubbed his back, "It's ok. Take slow breaths." She continued to rub his back trying to comfort him, happy Grissom did not move away from the comfort she was offering him despite his twitching need to flee.

When he was finally able to return his breathing to a normal rate, his eyes still broke Sara's heart. He still looked so scared, so lost, like a little boy searching from someone to just care for him, like a mother should.

"Want to talk about it?" Sara asked.

Grissom did not feel like talking about it, but he was afraid if he said no she would leave. As much as he hated himself for wanting her there to comfort him, he could not move away from her or the comfort. It was wrong, especially knowing it was over, it had to be over for Sara's sake. She deserved someone better than him, someone who would be there for her.

"It was just a dream." Grissom said his voice rough from a dry throat.

"That was some dream." Sara said not judging him for not opening up.

"It was weird." Grissom answered back. It was the truth the dream had been one of the weirdest one he had in a long time. "My father the gunman" He tried to explain. The words would not come to him.

"Ok." Sara said satisfied that Grissom was at least trying to open up.

"I am going to get some water, you want something?" Grissom asked moving out of her arms.

"I can."

"I need to walk." Grissom said getting up and stretching.

"Ok I'll take some water than."

Grissom left the room leaving Sara to wonder what he had mean by his father the gunman. He said it was a weird dream, probably meant nothing, but in all the years she barely remembered him ever having nightmares. They had worked some horrible cases and she had always been the one who needed comfort.

Grissom returned with a tray with two bottles of water and two plates. "Heather made dinner." He set the tray down, "We could eat downstairs if you want."

"Here is fine." Sara said relaxing back against the wall, "What is for dinner?"

"Vegetarian lasagna." Grissom responded. His headache was a dull ache now, and he stomach demanded food, though his body was still sore and he still felt completely exhausted.

They ate in silence, neither really speaking. "How is your headache?" Sara asked.

"Migraine seems to be gone. It's just a dull ache now." Grissom responded shoveling food into his mouth, he had been starving. Both ignoring the fact he had grabbed his head in pain when he woke up, it was likely the result of the dream and fear coursing through him. After he chewed and swallowed he said, "You can leave if you want."

"We still need to talk."

"I know." He said looking down at his food, "I'm still exhausted. Could we talk tomorrow?"

"I can tell." Sara said , she still saw the exhaustion in his eyes and also in how he carried himself. "If you don't mind I kind of want to stay here."

Grissom looked surprised when she said it. Sara could see the wheels turning in his head, trying to put the pieces of a puzzle together. Than a light bulb went off, "Nothing is happening between Heather and I if that is what you are worried about?" That was his current hypothesis, Sara was there to make sure nothing had or would happened between him and Heather. No one would ever believe Heather was just his friend. If she had been anything other than a dominatrix before she became a couples therapist, would everyone have the same theory about him and Heather. Would his former friends have accepted her more if she had been something normal?

"I didn't think anything would happen." Sara said trying to hold her temper in, "I just don't…" She sighed, telling the truth, "I don't want to go home and be alone."

"Oh." Grissom said feeling foolish. "I guess I could use the company too." He said looking up at Sara.

"Come on eat." She said, "When was the last time you ate?"

"Breakfast yesterday." Grissom responded.

"Yeah I heard what happened to that." Sara smiled at him, remembering Brass complaining about how Grissom had vomited all over him.

"I tried to warn him."

When they finished Sara grabbed the dishes and returned them downstairs. "Thanks for dinner."

"Now problem." Heather said smiling "How is he doing?"

"Better I think." Sara said, "You don't mind me staying?"

"No of course not." Heather kept a smile on her face, "You two talk yet?"

"Not really. He is still exhausted and I don't want to push him too much."

"It is good he is getting rest." Heather said, "Will help him heal."

Sara nodded. It was weird to be standing in Heathers kitchen talking about her ex-husband. Sara felt comfortable though, and in a place that use to creep her out. Heather also brought a bit of jealousy out of her. Grissom was Sara's after all, not Heathers.

"Please feel at home here." Heather said, "If you cannot find anything just ask." Pausing Heather asked, "Do you need something to change into?"

"No I'll be fine." Sara replied.

"Do you need to talk to someone?" Heather offered knowing it would likely be declined. Gil was her friend, but Sara knew nothing of Heather other than the ideas that most formed upon first meeting her.

"I'm good." Sara lied, she had no idea what she was at the moment. A woman desperately holding onto a hope of a dream of her and Grissom, or a woman fighting to save her already ended marriage? Either way it seemed desperate, and she had no idea what she would do if Grissom did not want to take her back.

"Well if you need me I am just down the hallway from the guest room." Heather said before she left to go back to her study to finish her work off for the night.

Returning to the room Sara could not find Grissom. When she heard the shower turn on in the guest bathroom, or what she assumed was a bathroom she realized where he was at. Sitting on the bed she started to wonder if she should leave and return the next day. Part of her wanted to run away and never return. They had caused each other so much damage over the years, maybe it was better to leave before more damage could be done. But the damage was so worth it, when they were good they were good. They were happy.

Getting out of the bed she walked over to the bathroom door and knocked, "Griss do you mind if I turn on some different music?" She called through the door.

"Go ahead." He called back from the shower.

Walking back to the bed Sara reached over to grab Grissom's phone to find different music. The screen was locked, she wonder if he still used the same password. Typing in 0315 she smiled when the phone unlocked, he never had changed his password. Beware of the ides of March he would jokingly warn every March 15.

The screen came up to playlist, and there was one labeled Sara. Interesting, she felt a bit like a peeping tom, but she had to see what songs were inside the playlist. There were only a couple of songs in the playlist. She knew most of them to be songs, and they were their songs. But there was one or two she just didn't know. Quickly flipping out of the playlist she found one of the artist and tapped the screen to play with the first song on the playlist.

Greg choose that moment to call her. She quickly answered the phone missing the first part of the song, "Hello"

"Hey were you at?" Greg asked, "I tried calling you at home."

"I'm out. What is up?"

"Nothing. Wanted to see if you wanted to meet Jade and me for breakfast after I finish shift?"

"Probably not."

"Where you at?"

"Grissom and I are going to talk."

"Oh." Greg said holding his tongue because he had some choice words to say to Grissom, but he never would.

"How is Jade?"

"Good. She works a lot." Greg said laughing.

"Tell her Grissom has really been trying to contact her."

"I know he even texted. She's just not ready to talk yet."

"Maybe we could grab dinner tomorrow before shift?" Sara said, "That way the two have to talk."

"I am not…"

"Greg we shouldn't get between them. What Grissom said was out of anger." Sara said defending Grissom.

"I'll run it by her at breakfast and text you the answer."

"Thanks Greggo."

"Take care Sara." Greg said wanting to tell her she should leave the jerk, but it was not his place.

Hanging up the phone Sara turned her attention back to the music.

So take me take all that I am
Tell me what you need me to do
Anything isn't a big enough word
Describe what I am willing to go through

This was defiantly not Grissom's type of music. It was a female singer who sounded a bit folky. Defiantly not Grissom music taste, not that he had even had a very distinct music taste. Sara usually chose the music, and he either agreed or disagreed with it. When Sara thought about it most of the music was not Grissom's taste, Jades doing probably. She was the likely culprit that introduce Grissom to the college styled musical choices.

The truth is
I'm nothing without you
The truth is
I never stopped being in love with you

The lyrics were encouraging. Maybe they were old though. An old playlist and the song meant nothing. He could have accidently put the song in the playlist even. It meant nothing, she should not read into it. The battle inside her head continued one side feeling a nugget of hope the other trying to protect her. Quickly she began to feel like a schoolgirl, shame washed over her. It was just a damn song.

When your eyes meet my eyes
I feel the center of my heart
Cyclical perineum
I'm only at home in your arms
Repetition creates a habit
Repetition breaks a habit too
I don't know how we are going to do this
Turning our old love into new

Grissom could not hear the music from the bathroom. He took a quick shower to clear his head. After quickly drying off, he pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. Swallowing his pain pills using his had to cup water from the sink to drink to help the pill go down. Walking through the guest bathroom door he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard the song.

Sara saw him stop suddenly and the look of surprise on his face when he entered the room.

Sara was listening to the song. The song only listened to when he was completely alone and felt a bit masochistic. It was a singer that Jade had introduced him to.

"Feeling better?" Sara asked ignoring the look on his face. That look gave her a renewed hope.

"Yes." Grissom said, "You like the song?"

"Yeah. "

"Jade's doing." Grissom answered trying to pass the song off as something Jade simply uploaded, but he did not know Sara had followed the song from a playlist with her name on it. A playlist he had forgot he had even made on his phone.

"She's good."

"Morrissey actually discovered her." Grissom said giving background on how he came to know the artist.

"Morrissey of The Smiths?"

"Yes." Grissom smiled he knew something about music after all, "Found her playing on a street corner in the 1990's and took her on tour with him."

"Really?"

"Yes. She talked about it at a concert she played on campus."

"You went to a concert?" Sara was shocked.

"Yes." Grissom said, "It was a celebration for Jade passing her qualifying exam and entering into candidacy."

"That was nice of you."

"Well the woman isn't that bad of a singer. Though it was weird to be the only man in the crowd." Grissom said remembering the concert.

"You must care for her."

"Sara." Grissom said not upset, maybe a bit annoyed, "Yes I care for Jade, but not…" He was getting frustrated trying to find the words, he did not want to say not like I care for you, "But it's not sexual. More like fatherly or something like that." At a lost for words to describe his relationship.

"I know." Sara said smiling at him enjoying how flustered he was, as he at one time did that to her just by talking or looking at her.

Changing the subject he said, "If you want to change I have some clean boxers and t-shirt." Remembering how she used to steal his boxers and t-shirts to sleep in when they were a couple.

"Thanks." She said "I am going to go shower."

"Ok." He said walking over to his suitcase to pull out boxers and a t-shirt for her. "There is another clean towel in the bathroom. Sorry they are cold"

Sara smiled at his apology, he remembered how much she hated cold towels. "I can suffer this time."

"I'm going to go lay down." Grissom said yawning.

"Don't wait up for me." She replied closing the door behind her.

When Sara return from her shower she found Grissom laying on the bed he was struggling to stay awake. Smiling at him she said, "I told you not to wait up for me."

"I wasn't." They both knew he was lying.

Sara climbed into the bed next too him, moving next to him. At first it was awkward.

"We should try to talk." Grissom said yawning.

"Sleep."

"Sara we can't keep putting this off."

"I know." She said afraid that talking would result in fighting, and fighting would mean she would leave upset and go home to her lonely home that was once their home.

"I don't know where to start." Grissom said.

"How about do you still love me?" Sara asked not looking at Grissom, if he said no, she did not want him to see her crumble. She went straight for the jugular because that answer would define if there was a need for them to have a conversation.

"It is so much more complicated than just loving you." Grissom replied keeping his arm around her.

"It was a yes or no question Griss."

Sighing he tried to look at her face. Did she have to start the conversation with the hardest question. Yes was the answer, that was the easy part. The hard part was opening himself up and saying yes. Yes could be deadly here. If he said yes, and she said no, than what? Would she say no? After a few minutes of silence he responded, "Yes. Yes I still love you."

"Than that should be enough." Sara responded.

"It is not Sara." Grissom said sitting up. "Can you please look at me?"

Sara did as he asked, turning around and siting Indian style with her back to the headboard, she turned to look at him, "Why is it not that simple? Why did you divorce me if you love me?"

Blowing out a breath he, Grissom knew the conversation was going to be hard. He was extremely uncomfortable. He did not want to answer her, but he had spurred this conversation, and he owed her an explanation, no matter how uncomfortable and painful it might be.

"Sara you deserve someone." He paused knowing saying the words would make them completely true and he struggled over them, "You need someone better than me. You deserve someone who will put you before everything."

Sara frowned at him, is that what the problem was. "By your logic I should have left you a long time ago than. Because you also deserved someone who could be with you."

"Sara you were."

"No I left you."

"To go find yourself." Grissom said, "I know me. I have known myself for a long time. I have a few years on you after all. I did not leave to go find myself. I left Vegas to be with you, but also because I was burned out and needed to get away."

"I knew Griss." Sara said wanting to touch him, but knowing that would only impede their discussion. "Just so I am correct you divorced me because you thought I deserved someone better?"

"Yes."

"What if you were all I ever wanted?"

"There have been others." Grissom said no anger in his voice, "Rick?"

"Rick was a fling. Nothing more. Someone to pass time with." Sara said feeling dirty for saying it, but it was true. Rick had been fun at first, but than his ego got in the way. The sex was good, that was true, but it was just sex nothing more.

" What about that one guy from your birthday?" Grissom asked.

Sara was confused than she realized what Grissom was talking about, "How did you find out?"

"Hodges."

"I should have known." Sara said shaking her head, "Nothing happened. And if something had happened it really did not matter, we were separated"

"I believe you, and I was not asking if anything happened or judging you." Grissom said.

"I was hurt you didn't show up." Sara said, "I knew we were separated, but I still thought you would show up that night. You knew how much I hated my birthday, but you always made it special for me."

Grissom was frowning now, and Sara was shocked by the pain in his eyes, "I tried." He said softly. "I could not get a flight out. Than Hodges texted me, and I just assumed you had moved on."

"Less than a month after we separated?"

"You are young, and like I said I knew you deserved someone better."

"Grissom you are a good man." Sara said, "One of the best I have ever known."

"I had hoped it meant something for you, that you were moving on. I am poison to you Sara. Since you entered my life I have brought you nothing but pain." Grissom said softly allowing the truth of every word to settle in.

"That is not true." Sara said, "You brought me happiness. Happiness I never thought I would know Gris." Sara felt tears in her eyes and she willed them away, she would not cry not now.

"But I'm not the right one for you Sara." Grissom responded. "I love what I do, and I cannot stop putting my career first. I tried, and I couldn't."

"Grissom I never asked you to sacrifice your career." Sara said, "I never would. I would never ask you to change for me. I love you as you are. I knew what I was getting into when I pursued you even after you tried your best to push me away"

"Our relationship was not working long distance." Grissom said trying to make Sara see how bad they were together. He did not want her to leave, but he hoped for her own good she would.

"I know it wasn't. But it was still better than not having you."

"You shouldn't have to live like that."

"And neither should you." Sara said, "You came to me, and than I left you, for my own career."

"Why did you return to Vegas?" Grissom asked remembering her telling him it held so many demons for her.

"I had to face my demons again. I cannot let the bad things that happen run my life." Sara said she saw the admiration in Grissom's eyes.

"We shouldn't do this." Grissom said getting up from the bed. He had always known Sara was much braver than he ever could be, and he admired her for it. This was too much, he had already talked too much. He had to leave the room now before he lost all ability to keep her away from him, to keep her safe. Safety for Sara, happiness for Sara was away from Gilbert Grissom. It would hurt him yes, but it was the best option for him too. Sara had the ability to hurt him, more than anyone had since he was a child. With one word she could make what world he had crumble down around him. He had been content before she came, comfortable with life. Not happy, a bit lonely at times, but he wasn't depressed. Sara leaving him was depression he had not felt since he was a child. It was a pain that he could not deal with, it took everything away. His focus that kept him moving through everyday.

"Do what?"

"This." Grissom said trying to walk out of the room.

"Sit back down." Sara said grabbing his arm and not letting him escape, "We need to finish."

"No." Grissom said far panic rushing over him.

"Griss listen to me, please." Sara pleaded with him getting up to grab his hands. She saw that he was starting to pant, fear and pain etched across his face. "Please sit back down." She said moving him towards the bed, and he let her push him gently into sitting spot. "First you need to calm down or you are not going to hear me." She said softy, "Take deep breaths Griss."

Grissom listened to her, refusing to make eye contact. It was just a panic attack he knew it. They had happened before, rarely, but occasionally when the world became too much one would sneak up on him.

"Better?" She asked once his breathing had evened out.

"yes." Grissom still refused to look up at her.

"I do not want anyone else. There is no one better than you for me." She moved her had to his face rubbing the bruise on his chin she had caused, "I love you. More than I ever thought possible. I have felt lost without you in my life. Even just a small part in my life and I will feel better. We can go slow this time."

Grissom leaned into her hand, remembering the familiar warm touch. "Please don't." His voice was pleading, he couldn't do this again. It hurts too much.

"Gil." Sara said, "Stop denying this. You need it as much as I do. You can't tell me you haven't felt lost."

He had for longer than he could remember, but more over the past few days.

"We can be friends at first." She said, "Just talk as friends. Maybe seek counseling." Sara said, quickly adding, "Just please not through Heather."

That got a smile out of Grissom. "Just friends?"

"Yes. Friends that need to seek counseling to help them learn to talk to each other". Sara said feeling stupid for suggesting just friends, but it seemed to be an option to Grissom. "We can meet two weekends a month. I'll ask Catherine for every other weekend off. I can fly out to see you."

"Cause that worked so well last time."

"We'll make it work this time. I have so much vacation time it won't be a problem." Sara said "And once we are comfortable, we can become more than friends, and I can take a leave of absences. I am sure the lab where you are at will need help eventually, I can move out there and work."

"And leave everyone here?" Grissom said, "You can't. They are your family too."

"I will do whatever it takes to try to make us work. To really give it a chance this time."

Grissom sighed, he didn't know if this was a good idea. "I could see if UNLV has a position. Judith tried to sale the University to me over the phone, so I am sure I could probably move at the end of the year." Grissom frowned, "But I don't want to leave Jade without a dissertation chair. If I leave that would be troubling for her."

"We'll figure it out." Sara said not perturbed by Grissom worrying about his graduate student future. "But Grissom before we move on I need you to promise me something."

Grissom looked scared when he asked, "What?"

"Promise me you will talk to me before you make decisions about what is best for me?" Sara pause waiting for him to answer, when he didn't she said, "You have to know I know myself better and I should have the right to be privy to the decisions made on my behalf. Talk to me, that is all I ask. If you are worried you are not there enough or I need something more talk to me please. Otherwise you seem like an asshole making decisions for the both of us. You don't have that right Grissom. There are two of us in this relationship."

"I know."

"So you promise to talk to me?"

"Yes. I'll do my best."

"Please understand, I'm not asking you to change Griss." Sara said gently rubbing his face again, "I would never ask you to change. I love you as you are. I am just asking you to be open when it comes to the big decisions. Like divorcing me, or moving."

"I will try."

"Good." Sara said.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Grissom said trying to give her an out without pushing her away. Both having given up the pretense that they would ever just be friends. It was all or nothing for them anymore.

"I have always wanted you since the first day I saw you walk into that lecture hall. I never thought I'd get to have you, and than I did. Than you left me."

"I am sorry."

"Don't be. I needed you to leave. It helped me to know you were what I wanted, what I needed." Sara said, "I was unsure for awhile myself." Sara was honest. "We had been apart for so long. That it seemed we could function without each other. I used to need. Not just out of love, but because I needed to know I had someone." Sara felt tears behind her eyes remembering how weak she had once been, "But than I didn't need you anymore. Now I want you in my life."

Grissom understood what she meant even if it was not the clearest thought process. "As long as you are sure."

"You are not trying to be chivalrous and staying with me simply because I want it?"

"No." Grissom said, "I meant it when I said that you would be the ruin of me. I knew you would wreck me. Before you, I never expected to have more than work to keep me going. I never expected anyone to love me. I was ok with that. I was comfortable with the way my life was progressing." He did not add that he was sure he did not deserve love, as he had learn so often in his life. The first time she said she loved him, he remembered it well. His hear stopped, he felt like he couldn't breathe. How could somebody love something like him?

Sara frowned at him, how could no one ever love him, how could he think no one would ever.

"You made me happy. The happiest I can ever remember being. I was willing to let you wreck me if it meant just a few more minutes of being with you, a few more hours of feeling what it was to be loved. Me being happy was never meant to hold, and I knew one day you would wake up and realize you were better off without me."

He stopped talking for a few seconds to think of his next words, "Than when you never left, I realized I just couldn't keep hurting you. I felt like I was sucking the life out of you. I wanted you to have a chance to find happiness. I was blocking that. I kept thinking it was only a matter of time, a matter of time before you would realize I was not worthy. You would leave."

"I would never just drop you Griss." Sara said tears now in her eyes, "You weren't blocking me from being happy. You made me happy to Griss. I got courage from knowing you were there, courage to face down some of my darkest demons. Without you I never would have made it through."

Grissom replied, "No you did that all on your own."

"But I knew you would be there the second I needed you." Sara said.

"I am not so sure I would have been."

"You would have been Gil." Sara said smiling with tears in her eyes, she knew before Warrick's death Grissom would have come to her. After Warrick's death she saw the change in him, she saw the pain, but she could not deal with his pain even if he had let her in, and let her help.

Now I a lying beside you
A stranger in your arms
We drift apart and come back like a stone
Like a stone

They sat in silence for a few minutes, letting their own thoughts work around inside their heads. Finally Sara broke the silence, she could see Grissom was exhausted, he had really tried to be open tonight with her. He had opened up to her, more than the entire time they were married.

"Thank you Gil."

"For what?" Confused by her words, why was she tanking him.

"For being so open with me tonight." Sara said hugging him.

Grissom frowned, "I don't mean to shut you out."

"I know Griss." Sara said. "It just frustrating at times."

"sorry. I can only try." Grissom said.

"That is good enough for me." Sara said leaning in and gently kissing his chin. "Sorry." She said when he winced.

"You have a good right hook." He said a small smile on his face.

"I should not have hit you."

"I deserved it." Grissom said, "It's fine. A lesser man's pride would have been bruised."

"But not yours?" Sara asked smiling at Grissom holding a laugh in.

"No."

"Come on you've done enough in one night." Sara said pulling the covers back. It took Grissom 49 years to build the walls up around himself, she knew she would not crack the walls in a day, in one conversation. It would be a long process, but she felt like just maybe they would get through it. He was trying, and she was trying, and for now that was good enough. "Let's go to bed. We can talk more tomorrow."

I'm coming home cause
I can see in your eyes
The sparkle shines forever
This forever
I can feel when we touch
The fire burns forever
This is forever