A/N: Extremely sorry for the delay. I did not forget about this story. Very hectic life right now. End of the spring semester for graduate student means 1) Grant applications due, 2)shit I need to do some form of work to show that I have been doing something on my dissertation, 3) undergraduates want to meet to discuss their grades because they finally realize they should have you know studied or at least come to class or maybe cared a bit more earlier, 4) this means a lot of crying and uncomfortable silences on my part and even some girls hitting on me as if I'll suddenly go you know what i'll take your C- or F and make it an A+ because you hit on me (seriously I beg a female colleague stay in the office with me when one of my failing female undergrads shows up, no males have hit on me yet, but i'd do the same if one had), 5) recruitment of both future faculty, possible graduate students, and a crap ton of people wanting me to review their work (don't become the stats expert it is not worth the hassle).
Anyways THANK YOU ALL who stuck with this. This is pure stream of consciousness so yeah sorry if it is bad. Next chapter should not be as long a wait.
Chapter 9: I don't trust myself (with loving you)
Something was making a noise. Grissom groggy brain was trying to figure out the noise that was bringing him back to consciousness. Something warm and heavy was on his chest, hair against his face. His hair was not long enough to be in his face. His arm was trapped under something, and it felt dead. He tried to shift it, but could not move it. Finally, opening his eyes he turned his head to see the familiar brunette. The sound was back too. Was she making the noise? His fogged brain question quickly negating itself because it was a stupid question.
"Sara." His voice rough from sleep finally having realized exactly what the noise was.
She mumbled something but did not respond.
"Sara your phone." Grissom said shifting out from under Sara. He thought it best they not wake up in the intimate position he found them in. His arm now feeling like someone was stabbing it with pins. He shook it to try to bring some life back to the poor limb.
Sara opened her eyes when she felt the warmth move from underneath her. Looking over she saw Grissom looking down at her.
"Your phone is going off."
"Oh." She said sitting up and grabbing the vibrating device off the nightstand. It was work, and that caused her to frown she was so tired. "Hello."
"Sara did I wake you?" Catherine's voice came over the phone.
"Yes." No reason to lie it was clear from her voice she had been sleeping.
"Sorry, but we could use help tonight. There is another body. We think it is your case. Out of town visitor, found in an alley, with no ID on them. Not two blocks from the last one."
"Text me the address. I'll be within the hour."
"Thanks Sara. I sent Nick already."
"Ok." Sara said before saying goodbye.
She looked at Grissom who was sitting up in bed now. "I need to go in. There is a fresh dead body on a case I have been working."
"Ok." Grissom said not sure what to say.
" Can we meet for dinner later?" Sara asked, "I can get Greg to bring Jade so you can talk to her."
"Sure." Grissom said, "But I think I'm going to call Greg later and see if he won't let me go talk to her before than. I owe her an apology and it should probably be in person."
"Text me and I'll give you Greg's number." Sara said grabbing her clothes to go to the bathroom.
"I don't have your number."
Sara frowned, they did not have each other numbers. Grabbing her phone she tossed it to him, "Call yourself and that way you'll have my number and I'll have yours."
Doing as he was told Grissom set her phone back on the night stand, "I'll go down and get some coffee made."
Grissom smiled as he walked down the stairs. It was weird to be at Heathers house with Sara, but it had ended up working for the better. It was a neutral ground, at least for him it was. Maybe not for Sara, but she was the one who had the least amount of defenses built up. He felt safe here, and it was enough to allow him a chance to really talk to Sara. Things were not perfect between them, may never be, and that made him frown. He wanted things to be better again. As much as he wish he didn't need her, he did. He needed her more than anything he had ever had in his life before.
Heather walked out of her den and smiled at her friend. "Everything ok?"
"Yes. Sara has to go into work. I thought I would make her some coffee."
Heather sat down at the kitchen table, "Did you two talk?"
"Yes." Grissom said not providing details as he fumbled around looking to make coffee.
As much as Heather wanted to stop him and play the proper host, she knew he needed to do something right now. She could read it in his body language and just given her general knowledge of him. "Are you two going to continue to talk?"
"We are going to try." Grissom responded hoping Heather would let the subject drop.
"Good." Was all she said before getting up, "It's 3 am I'm going to bed now."
"Good night Heather."
"Good night Gilbert."
Heather passed Sara on the steps and smiled at her, "Good night Sara."
"Good night Heather, thanks again."
"My pleasure."
Sara found the kitchen by hearing the sound of Grissom who was moving around looking for something to put the coffee in.
"I had an idea." Sara said when she walked into the room.
"Would not be the first time." Grissom joked, not able to stop himself. He was mostly happy, and that was good enough. He had felt better than he had felt in a long time. There was hope again, and hope, even false hope, was better than no hope.
"Har har har funny." She responded, "How would you feel about moving back to my place until you leave town?"
Grissom looked at Sara surprised, he had not thought about moving back to Sara's. Not sure if it was the best option given previously what had occurred.
"Just hear me out." Sara said, "Honestly, I am a bit uncomfortable here. I know Heather is your friend, and I would never say you could not be friends. It just weird for me."
"Ok." Grissom responded.
"Ok you'll come to my place?"
"Ok. I'll think about it?" Grissom said but seeing the look on Sara's face made him quickly follow up knowing his cryptic answer needed something more to make Sara happy, "Last time just did not work out so well, and we still need to work a lot of things out. I am not sure being under the same roof again is the best idea."
Sara smiled, encouraged by the fact Grissom choose to follow up with an explanation, he was trying, "I know we still need to work things out. It would be easier for me if we did it somewhere other than here. Plus I am sure La…" Sara stopped herself from using the former dominatrix title, "Heather would like to have her house back to continue her practice."
"Can I have some time to think about it?" Grissom said, "You should think about it too."
"We'll talk after shift?" Sara asked, "I can call you."
"Sounds good." Grissom said handing her the coffee finally having found disposable travel cups.
"Ok I got to go." Sara said standing and looking at Grissom for a second longer.
Sitting down at the breakfast table, Grissom slowly ate his toast lost in thought. The past few days had been a lot of stuff happening, a lot of things happening. He needed to take a moment to think through everything. Now seemed like to be the best time Heather was no where to be found, and he knew he had some time before Jade and/or Greg would be awake and willing to answer his text messages. In regards to all of his relationships that were all clinging to the edge of a cliff about ready to fall. He had to proceed delicately or the life lines he had built would break and he would be left with nothing.
The easiest was to start with Jade. However, he already had a good idea on how to fix that relationship. An apology, telling her what he really felt about her would work best. He just had to find the words and get her to listen. Maybe tickets to a concert? No, that would not work for Jade. She would see it as a way of him to placate the situation. He had seen it happen before. When Jade's mother visited, she brought the girl a present, and Jade had said something bitter about trying to buy her love back. Jade would want the truth, the complete truth. Otherwise he knew Jade would grow to resent him for trying to play her.
Telling her the entire truth was easier said than done. He knew when it came to talking about feelings, neither party was really good at it. Would it be simple enough to say, I am sorry. I was a dick. Somewhat of a dick, she would say. He would answer back, I know, please forgive me. I should never have treated you that way. I do value you. Not just because you do good work, but because I think of you as the daughter I never had. The daughter I never had, and never thought I wanted until I meant you. Even if I do not always show it and I am a dickhead. Maybe he could write it in a card and have Greg give it to her. He smiled at the idea knowing he could not do that either. Thought Jade would probably appreciate it because once he said those things it would be awkward for a bit. Jade not knowing how to react, Grissom having no idea what to say next and feeling open to attack. However, he valued her enough to say those words and suffer whatever fate.
See that was easy, he thought smiling to himself. His smile quickly turned to a frown. Now onto the next subject. Sara. Where to start with her? They had talked and it was productive. However, it may have been too productive. Once again Sara was willing to cave in for his sake. To make things easy on him. That had been the problem with them, she kept caving in until she didn't and that had started the downward spiral. What to do about Sara? Should he move in with her, even for only a couple of weeks?
He felt tension rise in his chest at the idea. He was once again left wondering some of the same questions he had pondered after Sara made it clear she wanted a relationship with him all those years ago. Who did she love, him or the thought of him? The evidence never lied, and he knew in this case the evidence was all in his memories. So he let them wash over him while he stared out through the window at the small garden behind Heathers house.
She had been nervous to walk up and ask her question. It had taken half of the semester before she had enough courage even walk up to him. She blamed it mostly on the first day of class. When the great Dr. Gilbert Grissom walked in she had been sure the man had walked into the wrong room. A world-renowned entomologist did not look like that. She was sure she blushed when he finally started class and introduced himself. She had ogled him the first few minutes before class had started. It took weeks before she stopped blushing when he looked at her. It was a class of 300 students, so she was sure he was looking past her, but still it was enough to make her blush. Those impure thoughts about him were brought back every time his baby blues came her direction.
"Dr. Grissom."
"Yes?" He said looking up from packing his notes away into his leather messenger bag.
"I was wondering if you had any recommendations regarding graduate programs?"
"In what?" He asked seemingly impatient. In reality he was starving. He had caught the red eye back to San Fran and he was exhausted and hungry.
"In Forensic Science." Sara said noting how impatient he was, would he be another one of those people she looked up to only to meet them and realize they really are just jerks. "I know of your work and I thought you might have some recommendations. I have searched programs, but well there are so few of them and none of them seem very strong. You see I am already a paid intern at the local forensics lab, and I want to expand my career. After I get my bachelors of science I can formally apply to become a CSI and my boss assures me that I will easily get the position. But I was thinking that maybe I want to learn a bit more, maybe specialize in something."
Grissom smiled finally, ok this was a question he could handle, despite his exhaustion and hunger. It helped that he wanted to answer it. He had noticed the girl a few times in the class, she sat towards the front and seemed to look away every time he looked at her. She was a promising student, the TA had put her essay exam on the top of exams of the best students. Grissom had felt detached from the entire process because his TA did all of the grading, which meant he had no idea how students were doing. So he had requested the TA to pull the top, middle, and bottom 10 assignments or exams each time to give him idea of what the students were getting out of the class and where some were struggling. "Can you meet during my office hours next week and we can discuss the programs?"
"Ok thank you." Sara replied but than she remembered, "It's springbreak this week. Will you be having office hours? Most professors don't during springbreak."
"Yes." He had forgotten that next week was springbreak. Good he would have time off to catch up on his own work, those papers he was supposed to be writing, and that text book he was supposed to review. Plus he had to prepare for a couple of court cases from his work at the lab. "But I understand if you are going away for springbreak. We can meet another time if necessary?"
She smiled at him again. "No I can meet next week. I am not going anywhere. I have work to do at the lab. Thank you Dr. Grissom."
He than noticed the beautiful brown orbs looking back him. A man could get lost in those eyes, he thought to himself. "I am sorry. It is Ms Sidle right?"
"Yes. Sara Sidle". She was secretly jumping up and down inside, he knew her name.
"Please call me Grissom, anything but Dr. Grissom."
"Ok" She said turning to leave a bit giddy inside, her boss would be shocked she was talking to the Gilbert Grissom or just Grissom.
"Miss Sidle?"
"Yes." She said turning around to face him.
He felt embarrassed for asking, but he had yet to really explore San Francisco he had been too busy working the entire time. With Springbreak next week, he had a break from teaching. When he had agreed to be a guest lecture he had not expected it to be this much work. In all honesty, he had needed a break from the lab and work for a bit. He felt the early signs of burnout forming.
"Where is a good place to grab a bite to eat?" Grissom asked but continued to talk much to his surprise, "I just got in an hour before I was to start and I am starving. I really have not taken time to explore the city."
"There are quite a few good ethnic places a couple of blocks from here." She smiled at him, "I could give you directions." She said setting her book bag down to grab out a sheet of paper to write down the
He surprised them both with the words that came out next, "How about you accompanied me? If you don't have class. I mean, we could talk about some of the programs and I can try to help with whatever."
He felt stupid for being so tongue tied, but to be honest he did not want to eat alone tonight. It was wrong of him to take advantage of some poor student who just wanted information from him, but he needed someone to keep the thoughts away. The case he had gone back to testify about had haunted him, still, even now he could see the lifeless eyes of the little boy. His so-called parents had tortured the kid to death. The neighbors all spoke very highly of the little boy, and yet no one had bothered to call child protective services despite the obvious signs of torture. The parents had locked the kid in the basement for weeks on end, feeding him only bread and water. The mother had broken down and said she was only doing what the father had said we best for the troublesome child. She admitted to not talking to her son for over a month before she and her husband and pushed the boy too far during the last beating. There was evidence of repeating beatings. The boy's back had been covered in lacerations fresh and old from a whip. Multiple broken bones. It was a tragedy, and it was a tragedy that could have been avoided if anyone had just reached out to the correct people.
It did not help that the case had occurred at the same time his longest running relationship with a woman was ending. He could still see his mothers disappointment when he had told her that Ashley had left him. She had given up on having grandchildren a long time ago, but now she told him she had given up on ever seeing her son get married too. It had stung a bit, but he had expected it. The breakup had hurt him, but not as much as it probably should have. She was not what he had been looking for in a woman. She was a successful lawyer and smart, but she cared little about what he did. Hell she actively tried to negate his entire life work by defending the very people he was trying to help put away. Of course she had been the one to end it, he was too much of a coward to end it with her. Who else would he find? He was a middle aged man, with serious baggage, and his people skills well they were almost non-existent. His mom telling him she had given up any hope of him getting married had just made it even more clear to him that it was work he should devote himself to because there would be nothing else left for him.
Sara was surprised at the offer. His eyes intrigued her. She had noticed a slight change in his behavior today, but she figured it was the same fatigue everyone seemed to have around springbreak. But now up close she could see, it was almost as if he was haunted by something. Or maybe she was just projecting. "Sure. I don't have class tonight and I am off work."
"Great. Do you mind if we stop by my office so I can drop off my bags?" He asked grabbing his overnight bag from under the podium.
"Sure" She said smiling.
"What year are you?" Grissom asked to fill the silence between them as they walked across the quad to the building that held his office.
"I am in my last year of undergraduate study." She said smiling proud of herself. It was something she had always wanted to do, better herself through getting an education. The choice of what she would study was easy, criminal justice and biology. She wanted to learn why her mother had done what she did, but also if Sara had to worry that she too would do the same.
No I'm not the man I use to be lately
See you meant me at an interesting time
And if my past is any sign of your future
You should be warn before I let you inside
Both were pleasantly surprised how easy the conversation was between them. Grissom had felt himself relax, the demons chasing at his heels backing off for now. Dinner had been going well. Since it was so nice out, they decided to opt for stopping at a couple of food vendors. Some had carts, but most were food trucks. Sara insisted on him trying a bit of everything. Grissom was happy to listen to her, as he could not help but listen to her. The shape of her mouth, the light in her eyes, everything was very intriguing to him. He felt feelings he knew he should not feel towards a student. He pushed them away as they were highly in appropriate. Plus a young woman like Sara would want nothing to do with an old fart like himself.
After they finished eating at a small park, Sara asked if he felt like walking. They had yet to discuss graduate schools. He agreed needing to walk off all of the food they had consumed. Halfway to the Golden Gate bridge he stopped her, "Would you like to grab a coffee?"
Sara smiled, "Why not, but not here. We are going somewhere local."
"Ok." Grissom said smiling as she grabbed his arm and pulled him towards a corner coffee shop that was not Starbucks. He felt her warm hand around his wrist and it made him shiver. Like with dinner, Grissom insisted on buying the coffees as well.
They continue to walk towards the Golden Gate Bridge, the conversation relaxed. Grissom was surprised by some of the questions Sara asked. It was as if she had taken in every word he had said during his lectures. The questions were insightful and way past anything he had expected from an undergraduate. When the conversation naturally moved into forensic he felt just as surprised by her questions. She did not once ask the mundane questions most asked when they found out what he did for a living.
The night ended well. They walked back to campus. Grissom was more exhausted than he wished to admit. All of the walking had taken a lot out of him, and he had not had a decent sleep in awhile.
"Let me drive you home." He said noting how late it was.
"It is ok I can take the tram."
"No I insist." Grissom said, "We never did get to talk about graduate schools."
Sara smiled at him, "Still up for meeting next week?"
"Of course."
"You know the guys at the lab are going to be jealous."
Grissom arched an eyebrow at her. Sara found the gesture endearing. Was he clueless as to how well known he was.
"They won't believe I got to pick your brain about everything." She said, "Some were jealous was taking the class. The lab supervisor had joked about sneaking into your lectures." Sara did not add that the man had chosen not to because hew as sure the lectures would actually be boring.
"really." Grissom was truly surprised. He knew he was good at what he did, but he had not expected it to make him famous, even if it was a small academic circle that found him to be famous.
"Yes." She said, "Your articles have become mandatory reading the CSI's at the lab."
"Good to know somebody is reading it."
"Oh they are." Sara said getting into Grissom car.
When he dropped her off at her apartment she thanked him again for a good evening, and waved goodbye while she walked into the apartment.
Grissom turned the radio on to keep him awake while he drove back to the apartment on the university campus that had been reserved for him. Once inside he dropped his keys and wallet on the living room table and dragged his tired body back to the bedroom. He quickly undressed, not bothering to put on pajamas. It was too hot in the apartment. Climbing under the cool sheets he plugged his phone into the charger and quickly dropped into a restful slumber.
Hold onto whatever you find baby
Hold onto whatever will get you through
Hold onto whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you
The next week Sara showed up promptly for his office hours and they talked about graduate schools finally. Grissom felt brave and asked her if she wished to repeated the week before. She had agreed saying they could go somewhere else this time. Had he seen Fisherman's Warf yet?
It was that night that he asked if she would be interested in helping him on a project. It would not be for publication, but a chapter in an edited volume. It was rare for undergraduates to be offered this chance, but he was impressed with her knowledge of the field, and he really did need someone to help him. If anything editing would be what she would do. It would look good on her graduate application as well.
Of course she jumped at the chance to help him. They quickly outlined times for them to work, and an additional list of readings for Sara to complete to aid in her gaining the knowledge Grissom thought she needed. It would be her final paper for the class, so that she would not be overloaded. She had fought him on it, saying she wanted to complete the final paper as well, and he left it to her to decide. It was than he let it slip that she was actually the top of the class grade wise.
The two continued to meet almost daily once they started working on the book chapter. He found her presences comforting. All of that passion he had once had was coming back to him, and he felt like just maybe he would be ready to go back to the lab at the end of the semester.
It was not until the last week, finals week, that either of them made a move. Sara had thought she was reading the signs right. The lingering glances in her direction, the occasional touches that lingered a bit longer, and the way he sought out her company when neither of them were working. While their time spent together had been under the guise of working on the book chapter, Sara quickly realized Grissom could have easily of wrote the chapter by himself.
Later she might blame it on the fact she had just got a double dose of good news. Not only did she get into the graduate program of her choice, but she was offered a job upon graduation at the lab she had been an intern at for the past year.
Grissom smiled when she told him the news, "We have to go out and celebrate." He grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair while standing up. "Your choice, somewhere nice is mandatory."
The restaurant was a bit more romantic than she had expected, but he seemed comfortable enough there.
"While this is not as good as the news you have received today" Grissom started, "The TA dropped off the papers before you came. I read through your term paper and I believe it to be of publishable quality. You should send it off to a journal. I know a couple of folks who I can email ahead of time to warn them, so that they do not just trash it since you do not have a Phd."
"Really?" Sara said surprised because she had done the work herself. Grissom had suggested and loaned her a couple of books, and gave her a few pointers on how to write a true empirical article.
"Yes." Grissom said. "Of course you will need to bet IRB approval since you used the body farm on campus."
"I can do that." She said knowing the chair of the department would be more than willing to sign the paperwork for her.
It was after dinner when they were walking that she finally gave into her impulse. While they were sitting in their spot looking off into the bay, she leaned over and planted a gentle kiss on his cheek.
Grissom saw her in his periphery coming towards him, but he could not move away. When her soft lips touched his cheek he felt the warmth spread through is body. Her lips were as soft as he had imagined them to be, had dreamt them to be as well. Turning his head he began to speak, "Sara we shouldn…"
Before he could finish she planted anther kiss on his lips this time. He found himself returning the kiss. When they broke apart a smile formed on Sara's face, "I had been thinking about doing that for way too long." She said.
"We can't." He said standing up and trying to move away from her.
"Why not?" She asked standing up as well, "You are no longer my professor. You yourself just told me today you got my final paper."
"I know but I was your professor." He said, "This relationship will never be on equal footing."
"I am not some school girl." She answered back, "I am not hot for the teacher. IF that is what you are worried about."
"no it's just…"
"What?" Sara said, "You yourself had said that you needed to live a bit more."
"I did?" Grissom said not remembering.
"Not in so many words, but yes." Sara said, "You were talking about how all you ever do is work. And how this had been a nice break from work."
They talked more, and eventually Grissom gave into her. He had tired everything from he is too old for her, to he was her professor, to he just could not. Sara countered him at each step.
"It is just one week Grissom." She said. "You go back to your work and I have to decided to either go to graduate school or work in the lab. It will be uncomplicated. Just two consenting adults who have chemistry finding solace in each other. A fling. I recently read online that you will date 5 people before you settle down to marry someone. One of them was the one that got away, we can be each others one that got away."
He gave in completely gave in to her. Later he would question himself about his motives, and her motives. She had not known him but she was so sure she had known him. What she had seen was the exhausted him, not the real him. However, it was one week, and they would part ways on good terms.
They had made the most of that week too. As promised, when it was time to part there were no hard feelings. Grissom desperately wanted to stay and be with her, but he knew it would never work out. She loved the thought of him, once she got to know him, well she would do what everyone else had done before, leave him. The baggage he carried was too much for him sometimes let alone someone so young, someone so full of life. She had breathed some life into him, and he felt revived.
I will beg my way into your garden
Than I'll break my way out when it rains
Just to get back to the place where I started
So I can want you back all over again
They had remained friendly even after he left. He followed her career as she easily moved up the ranks as a CSI. She had chosen a career over graduate school, citing she could always go back later. He had told her that not everyone had to go to graduate school, some were born to work in the field and he was sure she had the natural talent.
It had shocked even him when he thought to call her. He needed someone he could trust, someone who would do a good job. Sara was all he could think of at the time. Once again, if he was honest, and that was what he was trying to be with himself, he had invited her to Vegas for himself. At the time he was not the man in charge of the lab. He could start up their relationship again, if she was interested. He had missed her, she had showed him what he was missing and he wanted that hole filled again.
Unfortunately, life did not have the same plan he had. Jim had been booted back to the PD and he was made shift supervisor. Any relationship with Sara would mean the end of either of their careers. That he could not jeopardize. It was a risk he could not take. He could not lose the only thing he had left in his life (his job) for something he was sure would fail.
It did not help that his impending hearing lost also helped him build up the wall that had protected him from her. He could not let anyone know, it would be the end of his career. It had come close to ending a few times because of his damn hearing. The operation had worked, but by than the damage was done.
He hated himself some days for the way he treated her. When she asked him out to breakfast the way he declined her. Each of her advances spurned. It got to the point where he found it best just to ignore her. She could not get to him if he ignored her. He saw the pain it caused her. But he kept doing it. Even after she had tried to move on. His blood had boiled with anger and jealously when he found out she was dating that paramedic. Like the jerk he was, he had taken it out on Sara. He had been so harsh to her that she wanted to leave, not the lab, she wanted to leave him. He knew that when he showed up her door. She loved her job, it was him she could no longer take. By some miracle he was able to talk her into staying.
Things settled down eventually. They were almost back to their comfortable friendship. It helped he had been there for her when she went through the DUI disaster. He cared for her, but he could not open up to her. It was not until later that he had found out she had heard what he had said to the suspect they could never quite catch, Dr. Lurie. She had told him it had been so depressing to hear, but later it gave her a bit of hope. It was than she decided to keep at him. Eventually she would get through to him. The Grissom from San Fran was inside him, she just had to find him again.
Who do you love?
Girl I see through you love
Who do you love?
Me or the thought of me?
Me or the thought of me?
It was the night she showed up at his townhouse. It had been a particularly difficult case for him to deal with. She was assisting him and she had seen the same look in his eyes she had observed in San Fran. The haunted look that washed over him. Catherine, his normal safety net, was out of town on vacation. All of the guys were too wrapped up in their lives to notice that Grissom was becoming to attached to the case. It was when she saw him the third day in the row in the same clothes as when the case started that she had threatened to go to Eckile if Grissom did not go home, shower, and get some sleep.
However, it was a false threat. After he threatened to make her life hell with every suspicious odor case and every decomp for the next year, he settled into begging her to let him finish the case. The emotions he showed, she knew were due to exhaustion, but she could not deny him the chance. So she made him promise if they did not find what they needed to crack the case, he would go home in two hours time to shower and sleep. It was in the break room where she practically had to force feed him to get him to eat that the break had came. She had been complaining about the taste of the coffee when Grissom shot out of his seat. He later explained the entire case to her as they rushed to find Brass and Doc Robbins to get confirmation.
With the case solved Grissom looked like he was about ready to pass out. Sara offered to drive him home and pick him up after he got some rest so he could retrieve his car. Upon seeing Grissom for the third day in the row, Eckile demanded Grissom take the next two days off and only be on call in case he was needed. Exhausted beyond a point he thought possible, Grissom easily agreed.
It was on the way to his home that Grissom started to talk to her again. She had thought he had drifted off to sleep, but he had been thinking. "What made you give into me and let me finish the case today?"
It was Sara's turn to raise an eyebrow at him, "You wan the truth?"
"Always." He said and mumbled, "Even if it will hurt."
Sara frowned, "I saw the same look in your eyes as you had that day I came up to talk to you after class in San Francisco."
"What look?" Grissom asked stifling a yawn, it was not that the conversation was so boring, it was he was so exhausted.
"Haunted. Your eyes were haunted." She said and saw disbelief on his face, "Normally your eyes are full of light. When you are on a case, or onto something new and interesting to you, its like dealing with a kid with ADHD. You are alive, you eyes are this beautiful blue. Tonight they were dull, and it was not just exhaustion. Something else there."
"So because I looked haunted?" Grissom said looking at her in disbelief.
"I knew even if you went home you would not turn off. I figured if we did not crack the case in two hours I'd just slip you a sleeping pill and have you crash out on the couch in your office."
"Why do you care so much?" Grissom asked. He had wondered about that often. The way he treated her and yet she still cared.
"Because I do. Catherine was not here to stop you from spiraling out of control. " She said, "Someone had to step up."
The look on his face left her wondering if he thought he did not deserve to be cared for, that someone should worry about him. What he said next surprised her.
"We never talk about San Francisco and what happened."
"I figured you did not want to talk about it." Sara replied to him not taking her eyes off the road.
"You do know I did not mean to take advantage of you back than."
"I always thought I was the one who took advantage of you." She smiled at him, "I mean I made the first moves and convinced you."
"But I had the power to say no."
"I am glad you didn't."
"Do you regret taking my call that day?"
She knew what day he was talking about, "No." She answered after a moment of thinking about it, "I enjoy Vegas. I enjoy my work."
After a minute of silence she asked, "Do you regret making the call?"
"No." His answer was within seconds after she finished speaking, he did not need to think about it. "The only thing I regret is never having enough courage to try and continue what we had in San Francisco. I am sorry I hurt you."
Sara was surprised by his statement. "While we are being open." And she was surprised that he was being so open with her, "Why didn't you allow what had started to continue?"
"Because I was so sure you only liked the idea of me. Not me." Again he spoke without having to think much about it.
"What do you mean?" Sara asked confused.
"You got to know me when I was at a crossroads in my life. I had just ended a relationship, I was close to burning out, and I was looking for something different in life. I was not myself back than. I was so sure you only wanted that part of me. The small part you got to know."
"But now?" She asked.
"Well if you still want me after all that we've been through, what I've put you through than I doubt it is just the idea of me. The evidence never lies after all."
"What are you saying?"
"I am saying that if you are willing, this idiot would like to take you out tomorrow night for a proper date. I would like to start over again."
A/N: Song by John Mayer.