Chapter 26

Shinji pulled into the garage and turned off the car. He fought down the urge to retch for the umpteenth time that night. There was only one thing that he could think to do; brush his teeth and gargle with enough mouthwash to drown a horse. Anything to get rid of the horrible taste of the demon blood.

Shinji stepped into the house and was almost immediately greeted by Misato and Rei who stepped up, hugged him tightly and kissed him on both cheeks. Shinji hugged Rei back, since she was the one on the side of his good arm. Misato looked hurt when Shinji didn't hug her back and decided to squeeze him tighter. The added pressure on his arm made him yell in pain.

"AHH! God dammit, Misato!" he yelled, "Easy on the shoulder!"

"Oh, god, baby, I'm sorry," Misato gasped, "What happened?"

"One of the Hashk-iroth demons bit me," Shinji replied, still grimacing in pain.

"Does he need a doctor?" Rei asked.

"Me? Nah," Shinji replied with a pained smile, "All I need is to brush my teeth, gargle heavily with some mouthwash, and go to bed. A good night's sleep and I'll be good as new."

"Great. Wait--mouthwash?" Misato asked, "Why mouthwash?"

"I, uh…sorta…got some blood in my mouth," Shinji admitted quietly, "demon blood. It tasted nasty and it made me puke and I really want to get that taste out of my mouth as soon as possible… so…yeah. And…I should probably mention this now: I went into a bloodlust induced killing frenzy when I tasted it and tore the other Hashk-iroth demons to pieces."

Misato and Rei gaped at him. Shinji's head sank to his chest.

"You mean, the taste of blood made you crazy and kill things, and then puke?" Misato asked.

"When I turned human again, yeah," Shinji replied, "I don't really understand it right now, and, quite frankly, it scares me spitless. I just want to get cleaned up, bandage my shoulder, wash my mouth out, and get some sleep. That is, if I can even fall asleep."

"Why can't you fall asleep?" Rei asked.

"Look at me, Rei," Shinji said, holding up his good arm, "Look at how badly I'm shaking! You know what this is? It's an adrenaline crush, the biggest one I've ever had in my life so far. I'm so jazzed up right now that I feel like I could stay awake for the rest of the month!"

"Then…maybe you need someone to relax you," Misato murmured in Shinji's ear.

"Sweetheart, we have a guest in the house," Shinji mumbled in reply, expecting this to cool Misato's libido.

"Rei, you won't mind if I take Shinji upstairs, will you?" Misato asked, winking at her.

"No, go ahead," Rei yawned calmly, waving a hand and starting to head for the living room, "Just try not to make too much noise, please? I'm gonna try to go to sleep."

"G'night, Rei," Misato said cheerfully. Then, before Shinji had a chance to say so much as "What the hell", he was being pulled by the hand up the stairs towards their bedrooms, a confused look plastered across his face.

"You said you needed a shower, sweetie?" Misato asked.

"Yeah," Shinji said absently, "Misato, why did you as good as tell Rei that you wanted to have sex with me? You know how she feels about me."

"Yeah, I do," Misato said seriously, "I damn well do, because I'm partially to blame for how she feels about you. Shinji, before I came to pick you up, I showed Rei the picture of you that was in your file. I wish you could have seen her eyes light up, Shinji, she was so cute. While she was looking at you, I saw her cheeks flush so pink that she looked like…well, I don't know—but she was still so unbelievably cute! I mean, if I swung that way when I first met her, I would have just eaten her up! Oh, for the love of God, stop me please. Anyway, that's when we made our plan."

"The day you picked me up," Shinji mused reminiscently, "You were late coming to get me."

"Yes, I was."

"You said you got caught in an accident on the freeway," said Shinji, "But you didn't, did you? You were late because your planning session with Rei ran longer than you thought it would. You've lied to me from day one."

"Well, I couldn't very well say: 'Hey, guess what. I've set you up with a random girl in my neighborhood who fell in love with your picture', now could I?" Misato asked, "That would have just made me look stupid, and made you slow to trust me."

"Yeah, and lying to me is a great way to build trust!" Shinji sneered, "Misato, what happened to you? You used to be so honest and open with me. Were you ever honest with me about anything?"

"Yes, Shinji, I was," Misato replied, "Those nights we were together, and I told you that you were the best lover I had ever had? I meant that; with all my heart. That time, after Kaji attacked us, when I told you that I would always be able to trust you with my life? I meant that, too. And I meant it when I said that I was sorry for lying to you about our plot, Rei and me, to get you to fall for her. She fell in love with you, and I wasn't ready to try to love again. It had only been a couple of weeks since my last boyfriend left me for another girl. I was still lost and lonesome. I was so selfish. Yes, Shinji. I don't deny that I've lied to you. I can't deny it. I know that I've hurt you, and I know that I've shattered your trust. I'll say again that I'm sorry for ever treating you like this. I concocted this plan with the best of intentions."

"And we all know what the road to hell is paved with," Shinji added cynically.

"The best of intentions," Misato said again, "Right. Shinji…"

"Shh," Shinji soothed, "Misato, for the first time in quite a while, I feel like you're being completely honest with me. You were right. You did lie to me, and you did hurt me—,"

"I'm sorry," Misato whimpered quietly, bowing her head and beginning to cry.

"You also hurt Rei," Shinji continued, "I'm sure you've realized this, too. Despite the best intentions you may have had in trying to put the two of us together, you must see now that what you did was wrong. Love isn't something that can be forced or arranged. Trying to arrange a seduction scenario between Rei and me only resulted in Rei losing her virginity in a one-night-stand. Yes, she and I are still friends, and no she doesn't regret it or hold it against you, but the fact still remains that you arranged it. I can forgive betrayals of my trust. It's happened to me enough times that I've developed a rather thick skin to it. What I cannot and will not forgive, not immediately, is the betrayal of trust that leads to the emotional scarring of another, more innocent person; Rei. That result, more than any other, has shattered my trust in you right now, Misato. Can there be love without trust?"

Misato was silent, except for her sobs. She knew what the only answer was, and it wasn't one that she was willing to face. Shinji turned away from Misato and walked towards the bathroom. He stopped in the doorway and looked back at her.

"I'm leaving on a trip tomorrow," Shinji said sadly, "and I'm travelling alone. I want to find out where I come from, and I think that I know some people who can help me. I'm sorry."

"How—how long will you be gone?" Misato hiccupped.

"I don't know," Shinji said quietly, "Not too long, I hope. I've started to like it here in Los Angeles. I just need to know, and I need time to let things heal."

Shinji turned away again and closed the bathroom door. After a quick shower to wash away the dried blood and stench of demon, Shinji went over to his bedroom without another word to Misato and laid down on his bed. Even though it was the middle of the summer, his sheets felt strangely cold. And, for the first time since he had moved into Misato's house, his room felt overwhelmingly large, empty, and cold. Shinji wanted badly to call out to Misato, to have her come to him, to have her next to him. But he held himself back. If he called out to Misato now, he would undermine everything he had just said to her. As lonely as he knew it would be, Shinji resolutely decided to tough it out.

He closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep. It was so difficult as to be unbelievable. His sharpened werewolf ears, even in human form, were sensitive enough at night that he could hear Misato crying over in her bedroom. Shinji tried to block her out, only to pick up on another sound in the house. This one cut him just as deep, maybe deeper than the sound of Misato crying; Rei was crying, as well. Shinji fought back against his own anguish, gritting his teeth and growling quietly. It was to no avail. Slowly, yet surely, hot tears began to slide down the sides of his face and onto his pillow.

"I have to get out of here," Shinji whispered to his empty room, closing his burning eyes.

Where will you go? a part of his mind asked.

I don't know, Shinji answered it, I just have to be away from here.

They will want to go with you, his mind said.

They can't, Shinji protested, I have to leave them here.

How do you know they will still love you when you return? his mind asked viciously.

I don't, Shinji answered, Maybe Misato will find someone else who won't be a monster or treat her the way I have. I almost hope she does. She deserves that kind of happy life. I can't give that to her.

Shinji noticed that his vision wasn't black emptiness anymore. He was standing on a gray cloud, surrounded by the night sky, facing a shaggy hulk. He was talking to his werewolf half. Shinji looked quizzically at his shaggy, more savage half. The dog-like being returned the look, mirroring Shinji's move and looking like a confused puppy.

Have I been talking to you the whole time? Shinji asked, confused, Who are you?

Who do you think I am? the Shinji-wolf replied, I am you. You're talking to yourself. Doesn't that make you 'crazy'?

The werewolf's mouth moved, but Shinji's voice came out of it. Shinji found the whole experience unnerving, but continued on.

I know that you're my other half, Shinji said, But what is your name?

Shinji Ikari.

That's my name, said Shinji irritably, What is your name; in the werewolf language? I know that our native tongue has another name for you. What is it?

The wolf smiled at his human half.

I know that you've done reading, little half, it said, You've learned things about our native culture. You know of our language, but you do not know your own name.

That's why you're going to tell me, Shinji said back, You're going to tell me so that I know my name and can introduce us to others of our kind. It would also help to have an alias during our travels.

We are called—

The werewolf went into a series of barks and growls. Shinji's human ears didn't understand what it meant.

What would that mean in my people's language? Shinji asked, What is our name?

In human language, our name would be pronounced as Azrael, the werewolf answered, That is who we are. We are Azrael.

Azrael, Shinji repeated, Is that what I call you, now?

What you call me is entirely up to you, Azrael replied, Just know that you and I are one and the same; inseparable.

Always, Shinji responded.

When Shinji awoke the following morning, he packed up a camping backpack and all the equipment he would need to live out of his Stingray for an extended trip. Misato and Rei looked on tearfully as Shinji loaded his equipment and supplies into his car and pulled out onto the driveway. Shinji looked back at them standing in the doorway for a long moment. Once more his mind begged him to reconsider his rash, emotional decision. And, once more, his rational mind told him that he had no other alternative but to leave them behind and go in search of answers.

Shinji put on his sunglasses and waved a brief goodbye. Then, he pulled out of the driveway and drove away to start his search for his past.

A.N.: Whoo! talk about drama! I almost made myself cry writing this chapter, so I hope I didn't depress any of YOU too much. If I did, many many apologies. If I didn't, you're a heartless S.O.B. (JK!) Please drop me a review. There's more on the way!