Chapter 37: All the Way

Who would have thought she could be in an almost cheerful mood after such a painfully awkward encounter?

Not that Nora enjoyed making an effort at small talk with a bloke who'd regularly seen her naked in the past right next to the man who'd last seen her naked just this very same morning, but considering all circumstances, she couldn't exactly call this unfortunate turn of events a huge coincidence. So Peter had chosen to relocate from Ehrmich to Trost. With both of them now stationed in the same town, they were bound to meet, eventually. Hell, if she were the type that frequented pubs, it would probably have happened earlier. But did it have to be when she was out and about with Levi, of all people?

On the other hand, she was rarely not in his company, these days. So, really, this mildly unpleasant encounter had been the most likely outcome.

By all means, nothing about this incident should be particularly uplifting, and in no way did she wish to repeat the experience. But the rude bastard walking by her side had been—and there was no doubt about it—jealous. Something Nora wouldn't have thought him capable of. Stoic, pragmatic Levi Ackerman—jealous of a random Garrison soldier who happened to be her ex-boyfriend. From her point of view, as ridiculous as it was improbable. As if there was any comparison, any chance she… How could he not know that?

Nora had no clue how sex and desire worked for other people. It must be somewhat different for everyone—for her, it came with a plethora of things she was too terrified to inspect closer, and, as she had learnt since becoming a Scout, linked to a very specific target. Everything before had been… a pale imitation of the real thing; nice, ideally.

What she had now, what they had, was not nice.

So, did Levi think it was a usual occurrence for her to have… well, to be, in every respect, this intense with anyone? Was it the norm for him, a man who never did things by halves, once he decided to engage in… physical matters? Had he, perhaps, already experienced something like this in the past?

With someone else.

All of a sudden, Nora's understanding of his jealousy became a lot less theoretical. Her mood soured.

Or maybe, what they shared didn't feel that special to him—no matter what it seemed like when it was just the two of them—and she was projecting her emotions on him. She didn't like that option any better.

Of course, she was important to him, and very much so. She knew that. He had told and shown her in many different ways. But there was comradery, trust and friendship, solace and lust, even—all those doubtlessly reciprocated parts of the complex, undefined nature of their relationship—and then there was… everything that Levi meant to her; so much more than the sum of those parts, yet all of those included. Thinking of him as a friend, with additional 'benefits' or not, was impossible.

They'd never been friends. He was simply—and it wasn't simple at all—Levi.

There was no other word to describe it, and she didn't need one, because it was exclusively and uniquely tied to his person. Before she'd known him, it had simply not existed. How could it have? To assume it would be anything like this for him, however, was beyond preposterous.

She should be content with what she already had, and she had been up until now, because she hadn't really let herself think about it, and the way it could potentially end even before either of them died.

Shit. What would she do, then?

Nora should really have thought ahead, and cursed herself for avoiding it; but thinking ahead meant thinking of death and endings and potential heartbreak and yet more grief, when she already had enough of that for a lifetime. Getting lost in the present had been so much easier and vastly preferable.

She was still mulling all this over when they entered the narrow alley between a pub and a barber's shop they always used as a shortcut back to the HQ, weaving through stacks of wooden crates concealing them from passersby on the main street. While she had been spiralling, they had been walking in silence for the past few minutes, which was probably for the better; she was quite sure they would just have found something else to bicker about, otherwise, seeing as they both seemed to be in a rather strange mood.

Before her mind could catch up with what was happening, Levi had grabbed and pushed her against the brick wall, attacking her mouth with his.

His kiss was vigorous and relentless, bordering on aggressive, never holding anything back. The way no one else had ever kissed her before and one significant reason she had never stood a chance. One second, Nora was simply herself; a soldier on duty and a neurotic, insecure wreck—her mind running faster than her feet carrying her through decidedly public streets—and the next, she was reduced to instinct and sensation and desire; her identity narrowed to this moment and this man, her surroundings meaningless, her entire previous existence inconsequential.

Levi was devouring her with lips and teeth, holding her in place with his hands on her cheek, her hipbone; firm and possessive. He wedged his thigh between her legs as his tongue slid along hers, stoking the fire flaring all throughout her body from where he touched, drowning her in his taste and feel, and she responded, every inch of her, inside and out, responded. And he could take her right now, right here, against this very wall for all she cared, because what did anyone else matter, what did anything else matter—

Levi pulled back so abruptly it was a shock to her system. Gone was the sweet, delicious friction between her legs, and the heat, and his perfect mouth. Maddening lust was joined by an equal amount of frustration as her brain stuttered back to life, her every nerve overly sensitive and on edge.

He was caging her in with his arms braced against the wall on either side of her head, leaving a few inches of air between them from head to toe, not touching her anywhere. Quick, short bursts of his breath ghosted over her tingling lips. His eyes were dark as charcoal, pinning her in place, observing.

"What… was that for?" Nora asked, her voice too high, breathless and angry.

"I've never done that whole relationship bullshit before," he said without preamble.

It took a few seconds to sink in. "Never?"

"Never."

It wasn't that hard to believe—Levi might just be the last person she could imagine having both the interest and the patience for this sort of thing. But the man was over thirty, and she also would never have thought he'd be willing to share his living space on a regular basis out of anything else than necessity—and yet, that was exactly what he'd been doing for over two months, now.

"But you weren't exactly... inexperienced," she said, and it sounded half like a question, obvious as it was; from the very beginning, he had played her like a virtuoso his instrument.

"There were a few women, every now and then. But nothing more than sex."

"Oh." Though unsurprising, the revelation was hard to digest, accompanied by another pang of jealousy in her chest. She repressed the irrational urge to ask how many—that was hardly relevant, was it? A few. Quite vague. When he said he had killed 'a few' titans, that could very well mean a dozen or more… While she could count the number of different men she had slept with on one hand, and she wouldn't even need every finger.

Stop being so childish and pathetic.

"I only tried that one time, the relationship thing," she admitted, "and I sucked at it."

"Shocking." Levi deadpanned.

"Oh, shut up." Indignant, she swatted at his chest; it felt like hitting a stone wall and had about the same effect. But he already was silent, calmy assessing her, as if he had asked her a question and was waiting for an answer.

It hit her that he probably had. Her stomach gave a jolt—of excitement or panic or both; it was always hard to tell in his vicinity.

"Is that what this is?" she asked tentatively, frowning at his inscrutable mien. "A relationship?"

Please, just say yes, or nod or grunt or whatever and we can be done with this and I can stop driving myself—

"You tell me." Levi was still so close she could see every bright speckle of silver in his slate-grey irises, could feel his warm breath on her face, his incomparable scent enveloping her just like the cage of his arms and body.

He did not provide her with an escape.

"I... I... ugh." The words got stuck in her throat. Her cheeks were burning, worse than her overheated body, and Nora had to avert her gaze in the only direction that didn't include any part of him; upwards. "Must you make everything so difficult?"

"Are you shitting me?" The stoicism had disappeared from the low timbre of his voice, and when she met his eyes again, he was glaring. "I'm not the one making this difficult, brat. I think I already told you more than enough."

Her heart was beating a rhythm against her ribcage so furious she almost thought he must be able to hear it. Her mind was numb, the only thought she could hold onto that talking about this—and she hadn't anticipated that Levi would ever initiate such a conversation—was even worse than meeting a past lover while your current one was standing right next to you.

This day cannot be for real.

Cornered and, admittedly, cowardly, Nora went on the offensive. "Can't you just communicate like a normal human being and say outright what you want, for once?"

"Can you?" he countered, nostrils flaring. Strands of pitch-black hair fell into his dark-rimmed eyes as he stared her down, making him look even gloomier than usual—and outright irresistible. "If you want this—" He lifted a finger, pointing at their chests in turn. "—just to be fucking, and you enjoying my nicer and bigger bathroom, no strings attached, you can damn well say so, and that's what this will be. I'll take it." He paused briefly, jaw clenching, a shadow of something akin to physical pain ghosting over his face before his wrath took over again. "But spit it out already and just tell me what the hell you want, so we can get this shitty conversation over with."

No strings attached? She would have laughed if she weren't so on edge, so utterly thrown off-balance by his straightforwardness, his proximity, the hint of something she recognised—something more, something not simple at all—concealed by his anger. She was hopelessly, inescapably entangled in him—right where she wanted to be, where she needed to be; her sanity be damned, all risks be damned.

She was addicted.

The bathroom was a nice plus, though.

The sense of unreality had built up with every sentence exchanged. He had said his part, made his point—quite unambiguously at that—and now, it was her turn, no way out of this one. Shit, and she had thought she couldn't be any more afraid than she'd already been since before the Battle. It vexed her enough to break her paralysis.

"Fine, then, you prick. I want you."

The wariness in his expression did not fade and he didn't even insult her back. He waited, keeping her trapped between him and the wall, the former as rigid a barrier as the latter. She would not get around elaborating, this time.

"All of you, I mean—body and mind; I want everything that makes you, you. Every single bloody thing about you; violent streak, grumpiness, cleaning fetish and all—and only you," she specified, scowling at him. "I want you to want me the same. And I want you to want no one else, either."

It was the most terrifying thing Nora had ever said, the words physically draining as she forced them out of her mouth. Worst of all, this hardly even began to cover it. She could hear the drum of her pulse in her ears, her ragged breathing. There he had it; she had laid herself bare, as much as she could, at least, and she sure hoped he was satisfied, now, because standing stark naked on Trost's crowded market place wouldn't be worse than this—

With a heavy exhale, Levi dropped his forehead to hers. He stayed like this for two more breaths, and as long as they touched, Nora did not move, could not move, could not think.

Then, he lifted his head, looked her straight in the eyes, and said, "You stupid idiot. Don't you get it by now? It's so damn obvious." His voice was deep and soft, contradicting the harshness of his words, the exasperation still evident in his expression; his gaze hardening, heating, intensifying. "You have me. You have me completely. It's always been like this." His hand came to her collar, tugging at her necklace in emphasis. "Fuck's sake, I've already made it painfully, pathetically clear a shit ton of times that I'm crazy about you. There's only you, and no one else. That won't change. Get that into your goddamn skull already."

He was still glaring. Nora wasn't, anymore. No, she was quite sure her eyes must be wide as saucers, the overwhelming mixture of happiness and fear making her lightheaded, her stomach flipping.

Fight or flight, her body was telling her, but she wanted to do neither.

"I—" Her voice failed. She swallowed, cleared her throat, swallowed again, and managed a thin, half-whispered answer. "I'll keep that in mind."

"I fucking hope so." Some of the tension seeped from Levi's jaw and shoulders. He pushed off the brick wall, finally giving her space to breathe properly. "'cause I don't want to repeat the same shit over and over."

Really? As if he was any more forthcoming than her. If he had told her any of this already, then so had she.

"Yeah, well, me neither," she snapped. Good thing he always managed to annoy her enough to regain her composure—somewhat. For now, Nora stayed where she was, relying on the steadying wall at her back; her limbs felt a bit shaky.

"Fine by me," Levi said, his tone dry and dismissive and aggravating as hell. "Glad we've got that shit sorted out."

"Certainly. Real pleasure."

"Tsk. Bitchy brat."

"Grouchy bastard."

###

What little remained of the work day passed in a busy blur, yet somehow excruciatingly slow, his perception of time distorted by his digressing thoughts.

It was utter torture.

If he'd just get her alone, only for—

No. Not only would it be ill-advised, it also simply wouldn't do.

Show some goddamn self-restraint, Levi chastised himself, but he could not bring himself to truly care.

For the rest of the day, his brain remained in fight mode, nerves taut, blood thrumming. And he was burning up on the inside, yet he sat still, contained, and he didn't know what his face looked like to the unknowing, but she saw—he was sure, because she kept shifting in her seat, avoiding his eyes, fidgeting with her necklace. He kept staring, anyway, because why the hell not, which was probably why she repeatedly lost her focus throughout the meeting with Hange and the squad, stammering through her answers.

Again, he couldn't give a damn. He wasn't paying much attention, today.

Dinner was tense and silent. Hange did most of the talking. Nothing much out of the ordinary.

"Did you two fight, again?" she asked eventually.

"Yes," Nora answered immediately—it wasn't a lie, after all—eyes on her plate, eating faster than usual.

Hange just sighed. It had been a long day for all of them.

As he stood up, Levi brushed his fingers along Nora's thigh; one fleeting instant, just the blink of an eye. The first time he'd touched her since the alley, since their little… talk. She jumped a little. Their eyes met just as briefly. Don't let me wait.

He didn't wait more than a minute, then she was there, and he was on her as soon as the door fell shut.

She did not complain—not that he gave her any chance. He was there with every bit of his awareness, as present and absorbed in a moment as one could be, yet he was at her mercy and his own, carried along by the current, and when he finally released her mouth, they were panting, and he had her pressed against the wall next to the door, and she was clutching his skin beneath his shirt, the cool touch of her hands only heating him up further. He'd undone her braid while he'd been kissing her, his body working with a mind of its own, and now he watched his hands tearing away her shirt, her shoes, trousers, underwear.

"Lock the door," Nora gasped, her small, perfect breasts rising and falling beneath his palms, maddening him with every breath she took. She obviously had more sense left than him.

He did as she told, and she started getting rid of his clothes, in turn, and once again his shaking hands assisted with practised, automatic movements.

She went down together with his trousers, and stayed there, on her knees, her dark eyes catching the light of the room, captivating him.

"Oh, fucking—" he hissed when she took him in her mouth, her eyes fluttering shut, and he was bracing himself against the wall with one hand, tangling the other—so desperately trying to close into a fist—in her hair. Fighting himself, his strength, fighting a losing battle.

All that was left were her lips, and her hot, wet tongue, and pleasure and her face and sensation and fuck, those lips—

"Stop," he groaned, raw and almost pained, and not a moment too soon. He pulled her up by her wrists, pinning them over her head against the wall with one hand, his other finding the slick wetness between her legs.

So hot. He was burning up at the contact, burning up at the sight of her, moaning and shivering and lost as he caressed her in that teasing way he knew would, if he kept it up long enough, either drive her to swear at him, or better yet, beg him.

She made being patient difficult, but so worth it.

This time, Nora didn't swear or beg. "Just keep looking at me like that," she whispered, barely audible between their laboured breathing, gazing at him through lowered lashes, "and I'll be done for."

And suddenly, this wasn't enough, anymore, and he lifted her up and carried her to the bed.

He needed to be closer, skin to skin, wrapped up in each other, and sink into her and lose himself completely. And have all of her, as she allowed only him and no one else; just like she had all of him, and only her and no one else. After all, they weren't that different.

That was what they did, what they were, what they'd always been, what they'd fought against, then started fighting for.

It could never last, and so it was never enough.

###

"Shit—you're steaming."

Levi drew back abruptly, as if he'd burned his hands on her skin. Nora bit back her protest. One second, he had been inside her, covering her with his hard body, his strong arms slung around her shoulders and torso in an uncompromising embrace that had suggested he'd never let go as they'd slowly come down from their high together—and the next, the exquisitely hot and solid contact was gone, replaced by cool air. The pillow suddenly felt too soft for her liking.

Bracing herself on her elbows, Nora glanced down her body. Thin plumes of steam were rising from red welts around her wrists and her left outer thigh, just below her hipbone, where Levi's fingers had bitten into her skin. She couldn't remember when that last one had happened—not that she cared.

"Oops, I guess?" She lifted her gaze, finding him scowling at the red marks he had left on her, already healing as they were talking, fading one by one. "That's sure coming in handy."

His black brows drew together even further. "I swear, one day I'm gonna strangle you."

A suggestive grin spread on her lips. "It's very considerate of you to discuss kinks like that beforehand."

Levi made an exasperated sound. "You're fucking insufferable." He reached over to the bedside table, pulling tissues from the drawer and handing her one.

Apparently, she wasn't quite as insufferable as he claimed; after they'd cleaned themselves up, he lay down next to her, pulling her into him until her head rested on his shoulder, drawing up the blanket over them. His fingers were grazing over her ribcage to the side of her breast, up and down, up and down, raising pleasant goosebumps on her skin that spread all the way to her toes.

Nora's mind wandered back to their conversation earlier that day—right in the middle of town. And just like that, as she remembered that she sucked at relationships—and shit but that's what this so obviously was, and now they'd both admitted it, even—the remnants of satisfaction still flowing through her ebbed away, and she grew antsy.

Was he expecting anything? Was there anything she was supposed to do or say, now? A certain way she should act or not act like?

"What does this even mean, for us?" she eventually asked into the silence of the room, as casually as she managed, eyes on the ceiling. "It's not like we're about to start holding hands over dinner in the mess hall, all of a sudden." Although she was just being flippant, the thought had her cringing inwardly.

"Tsk. You're asking the wrong person, dumbass. How the hell am I supposed to know?" The familiar callousness of his answer eased her worries immediately. No behaving any differently, then. "It means whatever you think it means—it's your call, I don't give a damn. Because where I'm concerned, nothing has changed." The low baritone of his voice was even, vibrating through her, the soothing motions of his hand never ceasing. "That said, it also means you could still meet whoever the fuck you want, even your idiot ex; but I wouldn't mind—much. Because they're not allowed to touch you." He murmured that last bit against the shell of her ear, eliciting a noticeable shiver coursing through her body, pressed close to his. The grip of his arm around her frame tightened slightly.

"Makes sense," she breathed into his skin, her brain and limbs mush.

Levi wasn't any better than her at this stuff—of that much, she could be certain. It was weirdly reassuring.

So who cared how this was supposed to go? Since they obviously were on the same page in that regard as in most others, it probably didn't matter. They'd always been him and her, and they'd always done their own thing. All in all, nothing much had changed—fucking hell, half of her stuff was in his quarters, already—except the knowing part. And that they'd finally cleared the air of a few uncertainties.

She wouldn't forget a single word of what he had said to her, earlier, anytime soon. Talking about… feelings and shit had its advantages, she begrudgingly admitted to herself. Not feeling the need to hide the depth of her devotion anymore—how hopelessly, ridiculously infatuated she was—was oddly freeing.

No hiding, no holding back, and that went both ways. As far as was possible for them, at least, because—and she wasn't ignorant enough to not be aware of this—he and her both clearly had some issues.

Of course, she was terrified still, terrified of what he had done to her and terrified of the end, and that much probably wouldn't change as long as she lived. And she had the feeling she was, once again, not alone in this. But she would be damned if she didn't make the most of the time they were given—because he did not simply allow her to be with him, he wanted her to.

What a crazy, terrible, marvellous world they lived in.

It was true; everyone was a slave to something.

And in her case, it was so worth it.

# Year 851 #

The sun stood low on the western horizon, its dim glow barely penetrating through a dense wall of grey clouds on a cold, rainy day in March when the small group of Survey Corps soldiers reached the inner gate of Shiganshina.

In hindsight, the past six months had flown by unsettlingly fast. There'd always been something to do, even on those harshest winter days that Nora had spent inside, cooped up with Hange in her office. The thing about preparations and training was that it never felt like enough; there was always more that could be done, something that could be improved further.

And now that the moment Nora had waited for her entire life was finally right in front of her, it left an unexpectedly bittersweet taste.

Because, despite all the hard work, the grief, the immense pressure, the nightmares, the dozen times she had cut her hand, despite the fear of the future and the knowledge that this temporary reprieve from death and battles couldn't possibly last—despite all this, that past half year had been the happiest of Nora's life.

The main reason was the man riding by her side, sodden from the rain beneath an equally sodden hood, wearing an appropriately glum expression on his face.

She had stopped feeling guilty about this disturbing fact a while ago; she had neither the time nor the energy, and it wouldn't change reality or bring back the dead. And who could blame her for being fucked up, really? She was a Scout, it came with the profession—somehow, she'd never been anything else.

Over the cold winter months, she had spent her nights in bed with her own, personal furnace, warming her from the inside out. Not that this habit had much to do with the temperature.

But of course, her mind went there now, when she was wet to the bone and couldn't feel her toes or her clammy fingers around the reins. She was almost eager to transform; that was at least bound to warm her up quite a bit.

Not much had been done that far outside since Maria had been officially declared titan-free and the repopulation had started mere weeks ago. What had remained of the corpses had been taken care of, thankfully. The inner gate, however, was still blocked by a massive heap of stones, courtesy of the Beast Titan.

That could be dealt with quickly, now that the Scouts were here. No reason to let dozens of civilians spend days breaking their backs.

At Hange's nod, Nora gave her buckskin mare a pat on the shoulder and engaged her gear, launching herself up and ahead. Once she was halfway between the gate and her comrades, almost at the Wall's height, she drew her thumb over the small knife at her hip.

She was enveloped in the Colossal's hot flesh before more than a sting of pain could register, going from mid-fly to standing on two massive legs in the blink of an eye. The heap of boulders, stones, and rubble didn't seem so big, now. The main part of the work Nora took care of with her foot, shuffling aside tons of rock in a matter of seconds, as one would brush pebbles from a sidewalk.

What remained of the rubble she cleared away with the edge of her palm—they couldn't have one of the horses break their legs.

When she was done, she vanished the Colossal in a mass of steam and shot out her hooks, waiting for her comrades suspended on the Wall above the cleared gateway. From feeling too hot to freezing in a single moment. Sighing, Nora pulled up her hood to shield her face from the steady drizzle; at least, she was drier than before and had some feeling back in her extremities.

Seconds later, she was on horseback again, and they rode through, entering Shiganshina.

"Nice work," Hange told her, grinning, "Though I'm not the expert on all things cleaning. What's your verdict, Levi?"

He averted his eyes from the overgrown street, trailing his inscrutable gaze over the marks on Nora's face. "Her cleaning is far less lamentable as a titan, that's for sure. Perhaps I've been too lenient with disciplining her."

Was it just her, or did that sound dirty?

"I would have thought you're disciplining her plenty," Hange said, leering at them, her shit-eating grin now stretching from ear to ear.

Alright, so it wasn't just her.

Levi's expression barely changed at the obvious innuendo; he was facing forward again, apparently deciding to ignore his insolent commander.

Nora followed his lead. "It's a matter of priorities."

That, he didn't ignore, narrowing his eyes at her. "So you're saying kicking around rocks is worth your time, but making the damn bed isn't?"

Not this discussion, again. "Exactly. I can assure you I wouldn't see the point in clearing away rocks, either, if I had to do it every sodding morning just for it to be all for nothing come night. Makes no sense whatsoever."

"Sounds reasonable," Hange remarked helpfully.

"No one asked you, four-eyes," Levi grumbled. "As if the opinion of a woman who thinks showering is a waste of her time is worth shit on that matter."

#

The sealed outer gate they bypassed the same they did in Trost; using the lifts to get their horses and supplies over the Wall and on the other side. Admittedly, the Garrison hadn't been idle since the repopulation had started.

With the southernmost part of civilisation, they left behind the faint but persistent scent of charred wood and brick, of ash and smoke, still lingering in the air of Shiganshina.

And there it was, and here they were, two squads of the modest division that was currently the Survey Corps—nothing more than tiny, insignificant dots for the birds high up in the sky, purposeful in their aimlessness—riding into the open and unknown.

The land beyond the Walls lay untouched by human hands, rough and wild and untamed. The rain had reduced to a trickle. Even in the dim light of progressing dusk, the overgrown grass beneath them looked impossibly lush. The shrubbery and trees in the boundless distance were of the deepest green.

And the air… it smelled crisp and sharp and clear. Unsafe.

It smelled like freedom.

AN: So, big surprise, they both really suck at talking about… feelings and shit. I mean, one of them could have just said yes, and that conversation would have been a lot shorter. Oh well, at least it paid off.

I obsessed over this chapter an unhealthy amount, driving myself round the bend. I wanted it all to go the most plausible way for their characters and their development so far. I went back to past chapters, some recent and some not so recent, pored over past conversations and scenes I remembered, anyway, and thought some more, and and and…

Anyway, that's the best they (and I) could do, for now. But enough of that. I can't believe we're almost there…