Thank you to Rubber and Gum and dianalillian for reviewing! I especially appreciate the constructive criticism, it helps me know what works and what doesn't. I'm working to improve the quality of my work :)
My first fight on the island happens earlier than I expect.
I can't fight for shit and I think my opponent knows that, too. With a very minor-character appropriate face and outfit, he approaches me calmly, cracking his knuckles in such a cliche way. According to the badge hooked to his belt that he couldn't even be bothered to stash away, his number is 89.
But he's the first human being I have seen in well over a day, and that in itself is nearly exciting. Not that I have been doing much for the past few dozen hours, nothing more than lying on the grass endlessly and complaining about the weather (It's cold at night. Like really, really, damn cold. I miss my warm bed and snuggly puppy).
Still, I don't have a good feeling about this encounter.
Mr. 89 slowly advances, a small smile curving on his face.
"Woah there, sir." I say, holding my sword out in front of me. I'm freaking out big-time, because I have no clue what exactly I'm supposed to do with this sword or this man. But I've gotta do something, right?
"If you only surrender your badge, this will be quick." 89 says, reaching out a hand. "I don't like messing around with kids-"
"Um, great! Now, how about we talk things over peacefully!" I suppose I don't come off as very peaceful with my big-ass curved sword, but I'm trying my best, alright? "I'm not into the whole fighting thing either, so, you know-"
He takes another step closer. I can't detect any weapons on him, but even just by looking I can tell that he's definitely stronger, even if I'm the one armed with a sword. Uh oh… there's no handsome man to run in and save me like in the fics- what the hell am I going to do?
"Am I your target?" I blurt out.
"That's right." 89 says. "I'm going to become a Hunter, and to do that, I need your number plate!"
I gulp. From the ground, 89 picks up a fallen tree branch, and a few leaves flutter to the ground as he brandishes it in my direction. "Okay, here I come!"
He swings.
I react.
"Aw, shit!" I yelp, and bring the sword down in front of me. The sword is quite sharp, so it cuts through most of the wood without a problem.
And then it keeps cutting.
There's a loud ripping sound, and when the leaves and sticks fall down, there's a silent moment where 89 and I face each other.
See, the ripping sound was his pants.
There are many things I have witnessed in my time that I sorely wish I could unsee. Like Rule 34 Hisoka x Gon fanart. Or that spider that gave birth to hundreds of eggs in my pillow when I was fifteen. Or… well, you get the point.
And, I think this pantless man is going to become one of those memories, because holy hell.
By the time I've whipped my head away, what's done is done- the image is already burned into my mind.
The thing is, people in this universe don't seem to employ the very simple practice of wearing underwear.
Yeah. I need eye bleach… now. God, I feel violated just from looking at that, holy-
I hear a small shout from 89, and there's the sound of heavy, frantic footsteps fleeing in the opposite direction until I'm left alone in the clearing.
My sword falls to the ground, and it lands in the soft earth, handle pointing directly up. Then my knees give out and I collapse to the grass, curling up in a ball.
I hate it here.
xXxXx
"Bella?"
I don't know how much time has passed since the "fight," but when I look up, I see the absolutely gorgeous face of a certain doctor boy, and standing next to him, the outrageously beautiful emo boy.
"Oh my god, you have no idea how glad I am to see you," I cough and smile weakly. "You guys are so beautiful, it rinses out my eye sockets."
"What's happened, Bella?" Kurapika asks. I guess he ignores my comment about eye sockets.
Kurapika's holding on to the hem of his outfit, and I realize there are a ton of apples sitting in the makeshift pouch, which he spills to the grass. Leorio tosses his briefcase to the ground next to the fallen apples and bends to inspect the remnants of mine and 89's short stand-off.
There's his ripped pair of light grey pants, destroyed to little more than chunks of cloth, and the piece of rope 89 had used as a belt is frayed and unwound. Next to the clothing is the large branch that 89 had used to attack, split cleanly into two pieces from the cleave of my curved sword.
"Did you get into a fight?" Leorio asks. He fishes out a number plate from the pile od stuff and tosses it to me.
"I guess you could say that." I squeak. I didn't even realize that 89 had left his plate here.
"And what's all this stuff?" Leorio picks up one of the split pant pieces.
"It's not that important." I mumble. I just want to forget it happened already.
"Was 89 your target, Bella?" Kurapika asks. He kneels down, gathering the apples back into a neat pile as he speaks.
I'm about to say no when I remember that my actual target is standing right in front of me. Even though I have no plans of stealing Leorio's badge, I want them to keep trusting me, so I decide against the truth.
"Yes, yes he was." I lie, and smile. Then I change the subject to the question that has been on my mind since I first drew Leorio's card. "What about you, Kurapika? Who's your target?"
Behind my back, I cross my fingers. His target better not be me- that would suck big-time.
But to my immense relief, Kurapika smiles warmly and pull out two badges from his messenger bag- his own, 404, and a number that I don't immediately recognize, 118. "I've already collected all of my points."
"Who was number 118?" I ask, running all of the candidates I remember through my head. Which isn't very many- my goldfish memory has barely been able to recall any.
"He was the monkey trainer." Kurapika explains, storing the plates back into his bag. "I may have gotten all of the points I need, but Leorio has yet to get his."
"Oh- Leorio, who do you have?"
The hot man clicks open his briefcase and shows me a card with the number 264. "I can't remember everyone else's numbers, so I don't know who this is."
"I think that's Ponzu. Ah, thank goodness something is still canon around here." I say in relief. If Leorio had gotten, say, Illumi, I think I would have just given up then and there.
"Bella, what do you mean by canon?" Kurapika asks, tilting his head curiously.
"Oh, um, ignore that. Anyway!" I cheerfully blunder through my mistake. "Leorio, your target is Ponzu- you know, the bee girl? She wears a funky hat and uses chemicals, or something."
Actually, they might've been wasps, but "wasp girl" just doesn't have the same ring to it, you know what I mean?
"How do you know that?"
"We're… fourth cousins twice removed?" I make up. Gotta cover my tracks, right? I'm sure Ponzu won't mind having such a cute cousin like me. "So…"
"Damn it! Well, how am I supposed to find her?" Leorio grumbles. He takes an apple from Kurapika's neat pile and chomps into it. "We've already been wandering around for a while."
"I can help you guys!" I say brightly. I'm thinking about Bourbon in the cave with Ponzu- if things follow the course of the anime, I should be free to snag that plate, as well. That'll bring me up to five points total, and I'll just need one more.
"Really? Thanks, Bella." Leorio says. "You're lucky that you've gotten your points already."
Damn, Leorio, if only you knew…
Kurapika is now eating an apple too, and honestly he looks so funny. Like, he's all dignified and stuff, but there's only so much grace you can eat an apple with- and it's absolutely hilarious to see him crunch down on the fruit.
I grab one myself, the most unblemished of the pile I can find, and start chewing. But the juice gets all over my face because… of course it does, I'm no Kurapika. I eat like a monkey.
"What's the plan?" I ask through mouthfuls of apple.
"I suppose we'll just have to wander for a while." Kurapika says.
"Yeah, there's not much else we can do. At least we know what to look for, though- thanks, Bella." Leorio adds in, going in for another apple.
The three of us sitting here, enjoying apples and each others' company, is actually pretty nice. While I may have had a very, um, alarming start to gathering badges, I'm starting to think I at least have a chance.
I wonder… what's going to happen now?
xXxXx
Spoiler alert: It's Hisoka. Damn it, it's always Hisoka.
Nighttime's fallen, and the three of us are wandering. Leorio and Kurapika are bantering in a playful way, and night bugs make wretched noises from the trees around us. It can almost be described as peaceful. Almost.
Until a chill runs through the air. We stop abruptly, and there he is. The clown man himself, leaned up handsomely against a tree trunk.
"Hey." Hisoka says, a playing card caught between his fingers.
"HISOKA!" I have to clap a hand over my mouth to shut myself up, but my breathing is raggedy and my knees are shaking. Why does he have to be so good-looking? Next to me, Leorio and Kurapika shudder and crouch into defensive stances.
"I never thought I'd meet you three here." Hisoka says, his eyes slanting in our direction. "What a… coincidence."
Panic shoots through me as I have the sudden realization of what's to come. In the anime, Kurapika and Leorio bartered their way out of this situation using their extra badge, but right now we don't have an extra badge.
What are we supposed to do?
"I still need to collect number badges that are worth two points." Hisoka pushes off from the tree and walks a little closer to us. "Which of you would like to give me your badges?"
"Are you kidding? Who would-!" Leorio shouts bravely, but he's immediately shut up by Kurapika.
"Hisoka, you have two badges left to collect, correct?" Kurapika states with relative calm. "That must mean none of us are your target. Am I right?"
"I asked first." Hisoka says. Oh my god, every word that comes out of his mouth is making me melt further and further into a puddle on the forest floor. And I hate it. "I just wanted to know if you are going to give them to me or not."
"No!" I have to use force to push my wobbly legs forward. Every part of my brain is screaming at me as I take slow steps towards the skinny-waisted maniac. I'm dimly registering the fact that this is a very dumb move on my end, but I'm worried that if I don't do something, canon is going to fall apart completely.
As if it hasn't already been destroyed by my incompetence.
"Oh?" Hisoka says, not moving an inch. His gleaming eyes have focused on me and I can feel my face getting all warm, so I look down at the ground.
"We don't have any badges for you, good sir." I say to the sticks and rocks. "So-"
Then I realize- no, wait, I do have another badge.
89.
From my skirt pocket I slowly retrieve the badge and hold it up for Hisoka to see.
"So, um- d'you, um, want this?" I stutter. Holy hell, this is making me so damn nervous. "We don't have enough badges for you, s-so, I'll give this to you if you'll leave us alone-"
"Bella, what are you doing?" Leorio hisses at me. "You need that badge! That's your three points!"
I shake my head slightly, keeping the badge out. Now I'm getting some serious deja-vu from the tampon incident back at Swindler's Swamp, and I feel sudden embarrassment.
"C- Can we make a deal, Hi- Hisoka?"
"How curious." Hisoka has a hand covering part of his face, and through the gaps between his long fingers I can see pointed yellow eyes, eyes that are trained directly on me. "I suppose so."
Instead of chucking the number plate like I did that tampon in chapter 5 (yes, I still have regrets), I copy Kurapika from the anime and shove the badge into the crook of a nearby tree. Then I step back, closer to my two attractive companions.
"How can we be sure that you'll keep your promise?" Kurapika demands. He's gotten out his stick-weapon-thingies and is pointing one at Hisoka.
"Oh, don't worry." Hisoka's hands have retreated back to his waist and he smirks. "I'll be standing here, for now."
I take a few steps back, and once I'm sure Hisoka isn't gonna do anything wacky, I launch into a full sprint, running as far away as I can from the sadistic clown. Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod-!
"Wait, Bella!" Leorio cusses slightly, and I hear crunches of leaves and branches as the two race to catch up. I only slow to a stop when we've made it back to the small clearing, where I stagger to my knees and take a long, deep breath.
"I never want to do that again!" I say, mostly for my own benefit. "Holy shit, Hisoka is terrifying!"
"We could have fought him- why did you hand over your badge so quickly?" Leorio says. "That was your target! Now you have to collect three more badges-"
"But…" It's not as big a loss as Leorio might make it out to be- after all, 89's badge was only worth one point- but now I'm back to where I started. "But, if we didn't pay him off with a badge-"
"Our chances of winning in a fight against him were slim- no, perhaps zero." Kurapika sighs. "Bella must have realized that. If anything, this was the best course of action."
Again, Kurapika's giving me way too much credit, but…
"I'm back to just three points." I try to laugh but my breath hitches.
Now what?
xXxXx
I guess you get lucky, being a self-insert. Because one of the points that I so desperately need ends up smacking me right in the face.
No, literally. I mean, it comes whizzing at me in the shape of a circular plate that spins through the air and, smack, I topple over and hit the ground.
"What the hell!" I yell, rubbing my cheek. My fingers touch hot blood- yuck.
"Something hit you." Leorio picks up the badge from the ground and wipes off some of the dirt. "It's a number plate!"
"Really?" I say eagerly, forgetting all about the blood and pain. "Wait, what number?"
"198."
"Um…" I strain my memory, but for the life of me I can't remember who that is.
"Wouldn't that be one of the Amori brothers?" Kurapika suggests.
It hits me instantly. No, not another plate- realization. Killua!
I did remember that scene where he throws the brothers' plates into the forest after wrecking them. Still, I didn't expect to get slapped by one of them. Is this what we call "plot convenience?"
"Bella, sit still. Your face is bleeding." Leorio instructs, clicking open his briefcase. I redden as Leorio begins to dab at my cheek with a bandage. It's probably worth the injury to get treated by Leorio like this, I think.
"Well, this is pretty lucky for me." I say happily, gazing at the badge. "This means I've got four points now." Just two more to go… one will be Bourbon's plate, and the other, I'm not sure.
"What about me?" Leorio grumbles. "We haven't found Ponzu yet."
"Don't worry about it." I wave my hand. "Trust me."
"We don't have that much time left!" Leorio protests.
"I know, but…"
"This must be your 'excellent guessing' skill again, right?" Kurapika says, and I startle.
"Oh…haha..."
"Is it like fortune telling? Can you tell my fortune?" Leorio asks. "Can you tell if I'm going to get lots of money?"
I don't say anything, because now I'm thinking about it. There's a chance that things won't go according to the anime, after all. What if my foresight ends up completely useless? I mean, so many things have been happening differently to that 2011 Madhouse adaptation that I'm not certain I'll be able to hold onto the advantage for much longer. And when the end of the exam comes around, I'll be forced to decide if I really want to follow through with my ultimate plan...
"Let's keep looking, guys." I stand up suddenly, grabbing my sword again. I've been thinking up a name for the sword, wavering between Chroll-hoe and Hoe-soka, but both are definitely not names I want to be caught dead saying aloud. I suppose there's always Leori-hoe, but when the namesake is right in front of me… it may not seem like it, but I do have some pride.
But my to-be-named blade is put to work sooner than I'd hope. Only a little while later, the three of us are confronted with our next conflict.
He's a kind-looking young man, with buzzed hair and gentle eyes. He holds no weapon, and if he has his badge, it's not visible to us.
"Hello?" I say cautiously, grip tightening on my sword.
"Good afternoon," he greets, with a slight bow of his head.
"Be careful." Kurapika whispers.
"My name is Kenmi." the man says, looking up at us. "If you don't mind me asking, what badge numbers do you have?"
"We have no obligation to tell you that information." Kurapika says shortly.
"Please? I don't mean any harm, but I have not yet been able to locate my target." Kenmi says. He has a rather soothing voice. "If none of you are my target, I will leave you alone, peacefully. If not, I'm afraid I might have to take drastic measures."
"Fine, whatever." Leorio says first, but he slides out his knife from his pocket. "I'm 403."
"404." Kurapika says shortly, and he too is readying his weapons.
"I'm 406?" I say it almost as a question.
Kenmi ducks his head. "Never mind. I'll take my leave now." He shuffles off without looking back, and now I'm just plain confused.
"That was odd." Kurapika says. "Was he telling the truth, you think?"
"Hey, why are we just letting him go away?" Leorio asks. "Shouldn't we take his plate for Bella?"
Goddamnit, I don't want another 89 incident.
But, I do need to get another plate somehow...
"Yo, Mr. Kenmi, hold on!" I say loudly, putting both hands around the handle of the sword blade.
Kenmi turns back around, his face still the image of calm.
"So, uh, let's… duel?" I say.
"Not a duel!" Kurapika mutters. "Bella, why-?"
Honestly, Kurapika, I have no clue why I do half the things I do.
"Are you sure you want to engage in a fight with me?" Kenmi asks, and his gentle voice tips into one slightly more frightening. "Know that you have been warned."
I really, really, really don't want to fight. Damn it, why did I ask for a duel? That was pretty stupid. I lift my sword, point it at Kenmi, and shiver nervously. Leorio and Kurapika are watching, but they haven't stepped in.
Kenmi is getting into a position, possibly something martial-arts related. His hands move smoothly, almost methodically, and a chill passes over me. Oh no... what have I gotten myself into?
I try and be a badass- I point my sword, anchor my combat boots to the dirt, and try to pretend that I'm not utterly terrified. But I'm not sure that it's working.
Kenmi's movements stop abruptly, and all I can hear is wind. I know that Leorio and Kurapika are near me, but it's like they're invisible- all I can focus on is me, and the guy in front of me.
"Hi-yah!" Kenmi lets out a little shout as he makes his move, jerking forward even faster than I can react. But he doesn't hit me- instead, I feel the sword in my hands vibrate. Only a millisecond later, the metal blade cracks into pieces as Kenmi's hand chops through it.
"Chroll-hoeee!" I yell mournfully as the glinting silver fragments hit the ground. "Nooo!"
Our time together was short, Chroll-hoe/Hoe-soka/Leori-hoe, but I'll never forget you, as long as I live…
The sword is pretty much just a handle now, and I throw it to the grass angrily. Damn it, this isn't how it's supposed to go! I'm the self-insert! These number badges should be served to me on a golden tray-
Okay, that's a little too dramatic, but I'm still angry. I was starting to grow attached to my metal companion. I glare at Kenmi.
"Alright, man, now you're asking for it. I'll show you what six rewatches of Ranma ½ have taught me!"
I kick out with my right foot, but unfortunately, my favorite 80's anime from my last life doesn't seem to have taught me a damn thing about martial arts. I miss Kenmi entirely and stumble over my own feet, landing on my hands and leaving grass stains on my palms.
I did take a self-defense class when I was in high school, but I can barely remember a thing from it. Something about kneecaps, maybe? With that in mind, I try another kick, this time going for the legs.
I miss again- is anyone surprised?- but end up landing a solid kick somewhere else.
… And of course, it's in the goddamn crotch.
Kenmi leaps back, true pain in his eyes. I take the opportunity to run forward, and punch as hard as I can.
I nab him in the jaw, just below his chin, and Kenmi chokes. He buckles, and is soon on all fours, choking and coughing.
I would have been triumphant- finally, a successful hit on my end!- but that's when my hand starts killing me with a sharp, throbbing pain. When I look down, I see it- my thumb is bent in a way I'm pretty sure thumbs aren't supposed to bend.
The sight of the dislocated joint brings bile to my mouth, and I suddenly feel weak.
Shit. It hurts.
xXxXx
I've always sort of wanted to faint.
Books, movies, anime, fanfiction- they were always romanticizing it. 'Oh my, I have seen blood! Golly gee whiz!' and with that, the fair lady collapses into the arms of her waiting suitor.
But as it turns out, fainting kind of sucks.
When I wake up, Kenmi is nowhere to be seen, and my right hand is bandaged. Leorio and Kurapika are chilling next to me, eating more apples from Kurapika's stash.
Belatedly, I notice that I've been covered up by Kurapika's blue thingy as some sort of makeshift blanket. I immediately go a bright shade of red, because it's Kurapika's clothes- and it actually smells pretty nice, especially considering we've been going all Lord of the Flies on this island for a while.
"Oh, you're up, Bella." Leorio says when he notices me stirring. He tosses something that lands a few inches from my head- a number plate, with the number 362.
"What's this? What happened?" I sit up, head still spinning a little, and Kurapika's overwear shifts on my legs.
"You passed out."
"What? How? And what happened to my thumb?" I ask.
"Bella, when you punched Kenmi, how did you make your fist?" Kurapika asks.
"Me? I just…" With my undamaged left hand, I recreate the fist.
"This is why." Kurapika leans forward and gently touches my hand. My heart begins freaking out as Kurapika opens my clenched fist, because he's close enough for his soft blonde hair to brush against my cheek. "You've tucked your thumb under your other fingers when you punched. This caused it to dislocate."
"Oh, is that right…" I mumble, looking away from Kurapika's face so I don't end up literally overheating.
"You probably passed out since you were weaker than usual. Have you gotten enough to eat? Here, you should eat more apples." Leorio chucks a few apples at me.
"Is this Kenmi's badge?" is my next question as I pick up the number plate next to me. "Did I win the fight?"
Leorio and Kurapika glance at each other.
"Not exactly…" Kurapika says. "You see, Bella…"
"You passed out before the duel ended, so he technically won." Leorio said, and I could sense some of the pity in his voice. "But Kurapika and I took care of him."
I can only imagine it- Kurapika going boss mode like he did on Majitani, and Leorio… I dunno, stabbing him?
I'm starting to feel a little bad for Kenmi.
"Can I really keep the badge, then?" I ask.
"It's only fair, since you were the one who challenged him." Kurapika nods.
I'm elated. With this, all I need left is Bourbon's plate- and I'll be good to go. The Hunter Exam will be as good as passed for me.
"Oh, Kurapika, um… th-thank you for lending me this." I bunch up his clothes and shove it hastily at him.
"Of course." Kurapika says. "Are you feeling better now?"
"Yup, totally!"
Leorio clears his throat. "Can we go and find Ponzu now?"
"Of course… but how?" Kurapika asks.
Leorio blinks.
I sigh and look down at my already exhausted legs. This means more walking, doesn't it...
xXxXx
We've ended up back at the starting point.
It's been six days since we first landed here, according to Leorio, although I hardly believe it. All the days have been mashing together in my mind, days of hasty sleep and apple-eating, mingled with nightmares about certain crotches. And my hand is still bandaged from the fight with Kenmi, which is particularly irritating because it's on my dominant hand. You have no idea how hard it is to eat apples without the use of your thumb, lemme tell you.
And Chroll-hoe/Hoe-soka/Leorio-hoe, my trusty sword, has been destroyed.
Rest in peace. Or, pieces, I suppose.
"So, let's decide the time and place to meet." Kurapika is saying. "It'll be more effective if the three of us split up."
From above, we hear a voice that I know like the back of my hand. "Wouldn't it be faster if there's one more person?"
Gon, in all of his green glory, drops down from the tree behind us. I don't realize how much I've missed him until tears start spilling out of my eyes and all of a sudden I've launched myself on Gon and given him the biggest hug I can possibly manage.
"Oh- hi, Bella!" Gon says, and he ever so slightly hugs me back. I let go, not wanting to embarrass myself too much, but the green baby has left me overjoyed.
"Gon, have you collected all of your badges?" Kurapika asks. Gon's eyes widen, and he looks off to the side with a strange expression.
That's right- Hisoka.
"I think so, yes." Gon says.
"Damn." Leorio sighs. "So, it's just me and Bella left, then. I haven't even gotten six points."
"Who are your targets?" Gon asks.
"I have number 246, a girl named Ponzu." Leorio says.
"I've collected two more badges." I say in response. "Don't worry about me. Focus on Ponzu for now."
"And who is Ponzu?" Gon asks.
"According to Bella, she uses bees and chemical weapons." Leorio explains. "Gon, have you seen any girls from up in the trees?"
He shakes his head. "No, just Bella."
"I'm starting to become desperate." Leorio grumbles. "Geez…"
"Well, does that Ponzu have any special traits? Like Leorio has the scent of cologne."
"I know- maybe you can follow the smell of medicine. Bella says she uses chemicals, right?" Kurapika interjects.
I nod at the sound of my name. "Yup, bee girl uses that kind of stuff."
"Will that be okay with you, Gon?" Kurapika asks. It's kind of adorable, the way Kurapika speaks to Gon. He's like his mom, and Leorio's his dad- awwwwwww.
"Sure, I'll try!" Gon says. "I.. came exactly for this."
There's something a little unnerving about the set look in his eyes, and like the protective parents they are, Kurapika and Leorio have noticed it too. But none of us make a comment as we watch Gon scamper off into the trees, nose at the ready.
Ponzu will be the last hurdle of Zevil Island, and I can only hope that things go all according to plan…
Notes:
Alright... this is the biggest chapter so far, and it has also been the hardest to write.
A few things have been going on in my personal life- nothing too crazy, but it's kept me from working on any of my fic projects for the past week or so. Then, this chapter was just being frustrating. It's been rewritten perhaps three times, and I'm still not sure it's at its best, but...
In this chapter, Bella is subject to plot convenience. This was a hard chapter to capture because I'm not basing it off the episode, it's simply Bella doing Bella things.
Not only that, I couldn't come up with a chapter title. Lord of the Flies it is...
Sorry to subject y'all to my rant. I'm working on the next chapter now. Once we get past the Killua arc, we'll be at that exact "Don't Leave!" moment, which I'm equally excited and terrified for. I hope you'll stick with me!