One Floo Under, a series of plot bunnies and scenes that i can't actually use involving the Potterverse franchise. Honestly, i blame having more than an hour's drive time (both ways) where these ideas can pop into my head.
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and i can't use the abbreviation for above because that would be 1FU. Which is pretty close to a chemotherapy drug.
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competent defence teacher scenes. Was actually thinking someone like Elias Ainsworth (if as someone native to the Potterverse and less than canonic version since the magic mechanics is considerably different) or Gwydion Jones (an RPG character i played a few times, Abjuration specialist Wiz9), or like the local version of Harry Dresden. Like a typical mentor in such stories, he'd probably die before the Deathly Hollows novels but being competent I'd expect the cost in taking him down would make even Voldemort wince.
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"You need wards," said the defence teacher.
Hermione's parents looked askance at the teacher, who was wearing relatively normal clothing from what they'd come to expect from the wizarding community. Oh sure, he looked and dressed a LOT like John Steed of the old Avengers series, but compared to the pictures of Dumbledore or Lucius Malfoy in that newspaper that Hermione had brought home? He'd hardly raise an eyebrow in some places.
"As a matter of fact, most people assume I'm some sort of local musician or DJ," said the Professor. "Sorry. Not mind-reading. I'm just reading your reactions which are pretty close to what I've gotten from others in the non-magical community."
"Oh. You get that a lot?" asked Emma Granger.
"Oh yes," said the Professor. "Going around to those close to Harry and checking the wards around their homes. Nothing too overt you understand - otherwise your electronics would go wonky. As I understand it, it involves the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle as it applies to electron orbits."
Dead silence.
"I get that reaction a lot too," said the Professor.
"Isn't that... quantum physics?" asked Dan Granger.
"Yes," agreed the Professor.
"I thought that muggles and wizards kept their worlds entirely separate," commented Emma Granger.
"Most do. Statute of Secrecy and all that," agreed the Professor. "However, the world contains a lot more than just wizards and non-magical folk. Some of those keep their existence secret from the wizards in fact."
"How?" asked Daniel Granger.
"Same way the wizards do, same way the non-magical people who are aware of the magic society keep the magicals from knowing about them," said the Professor. "Honestly, once you know of one world-wide secret society capable of mind-altering or killing groups of people to keep themselves secret - doesn't that mean that are likely others?"
"I hadn't really thought about it," admitted Daniel Granger. "Now I wish I hadn't thought of that at all."
"Right, well, wards and protective magic is my specialty," said the defence Professor. "Lots of people tie wards into magical people being there to power the wards up. Which is fine if you're living there. As Hermione's off at Hogwarts, we'll just tie these into the ley lines. That way they'll be self-renewing. Take longer to build up power, but once they've filled they'll be self-maintaining. I'll just set it up for the whole 'hostile intent' trigger. Would you like a ghost or magical guardian? Once the wards are up, that'll be enough to keep one around - it's just they'd spend a lot of time sleeping or resting."
* break *
"Oi," said Hagrid when it looked like everyone was here. "I gots a special one fer ya today. Friend o' that defence Professor."
"Oh?" asked Fred Weasley.
"Do tell," said George Weasley.
"Now, first person ta identify the species gets five points fer their House," said Hagrid.
A third Weasley twin emerged from the hut.
"Oh Merlin," said a Ravenclaw. "Now there's three of them. The world is DOOMED."
"Hey," said Fred.
"I resemble that remark," said George.
"Is it a boggart?" asked the Ravenclaw who'd spoken earlier.
"Got to admit, he's a handsome fellow though," said Fred agreeably.
"Ah, well," said the imposter, shifting so that the hair lengthened and other parts seemed to briefly flow like wax before settling into a new configuration. "Actually, I'm a girl."
"A natural shapeshifter?" Cho Chang glanced at her fellow Ravenclaw and then at the female Weasley lookalike. "Wait. Couldn't be."
"Couldn't be what?" asked the shapeshifter.
"Skinwalker?" asked the first Ravenclaw.
"Neither a boggart nor a skinwalker, and I'd have a bloody lot more wards in place if it were that last one," said Hagrid, shaking his head and shuddering. "Them's quite dangerous, too dangerous to have around here, and thankfully rare."
Everyone unfamiliar with skinwalkers made note of the fact that Hagrid considered them too dangerous for HIM. In which case they didn't want to be anywhere near such a thing.
Those familiar with skinwalkers merely thought that Hagrid DID have limits as to what he considered "mostly harmless" and were vaguely reassured.
"Huli Jing," said Cho Chang. "Sometimes called a 'jiuweihu'?"
"Five points to Ravenclaw," said Hagrid.
"Well, I prefer kitsune," said the shapeshifter, shifting slightly with her hair becoming a different shade of red. A couple of whisker-lines appeared on her cheeks and she became something other than a female version of the Weasley Twins.
"Natural tricksters, pranksters, and..." Cho Chang stopped and considered the looks being passed between one of the twins and the kitsune.
"DOOMED," repeated the first Ravenclaw.
* break *
"Now," said the Defence Professor. "Your exam for this class will be a bit different. No written test, as this is 'defence' and not 'Paperwork' being taught. In that room I've got a 'situation' for you to deal with. When Percy here calls your name - you'll go in. Remember your lessons and resolve the situation, exiting at the door at the far end of the room. I will be present but treat the situation as if I were not. As you are all Second Year students, you will not face quite the harsh conditions of the Seventh Year students. Don't take it too lightly though as this IS the bulk of your grade in defence for the year."
"Okay, I'm scared," said one of the Gryffindor girls.
"Good. That means you are paying attention," said the defence Professor. "Mister Weasley."
There was some nervous muttering as the Professor entered the room. Shadows seemed to be deepening all around and a cold breeze wafted out from the door in the brief period it was open.
"Hmph," said Draco Malfoy. "Theatrics. They can't do anything real, so it is just an attempt to intimidate us."
Harry Potter opened his mouth only to find a good number of the Slytherins (led by Greengrass) and a few Gryffindor beat him to the punch.
"Wait till my father hears about this," said a fair percentage of the class.
Malfoy scowled at everyone except his two minions.
"Honestly we could charm a box to say that every so often, and you could go off on vacation and nobody would ever know you were gone," complained Daphne Greengrass.
Harry glanced over at Ron. "You know. She's got a point."
Ron nodded. "For a snake, she's got her moments."
"Gee, thanks, Weasley," said Daphne, putting enough sarcasm in her voice to qualify as a blunt trauma weapon, "SO glad you approve."
"You're welcome," said the apparently oblivious Ron.
Harry snorted, then apologized without saying to whom or for what.
"Okay," said Percy Weasley. "Ron. You're up."
"ME?! But I'm at the end of the alphabet here," protested Ron.
"That's not the order you're going in," said Percy. "Come on, little brother, I'm sure it won't be that bad."
After Ron had entered, there was a brief pause followed by a blood-curdling scream, someone trying the door frantically, and then broken pleading as that someone was dragged away from the door.
Percy shook his head. "Sounds like little brother is not doing well."
"What the blazes?" asked the Gryffindor girl.
"Next up, Harry Potter," said Percy as a chime indicated that the room had been prepared again.
* break *
As soon as he'd entered the room, Harry had figured out what exactly he was looking at. An expanded room that had been set up to look like a warehouse. A sniff indicated this was probably supposed to be some dockside location. He hadn't been to the ocean except that once when Hagrid had shown up at their lighthouse, but that scent was familiar enough from that.
Crates all over the place, netting, stacks of materials, forming the sort of natural maze that a real-life warehouse manager probably confronted on a regular basis and hated with a passion.
There was...
Harry blinked. He'd only gotten bits and pieces over the years of watching the telly when someone else was actively watching it. Therefore he'd only seen it in passing, but he knew that THAT was not a forklift despite having some superficial resemblence to one.
As he had half-expected, one of the crates began shuddering then broke apart in flying pieces of wood. Long furry limbs stretched out of the remains of the crate and a very nonhuman body began lifting up out of it.
"Immobulus!" cast Harry.
The freakishly huge spider shuddered and seemed to pause. Then it showed signs of getting pissed off.
"Tarantallegra!" tried Harry.
The spider found itself dancing in place. It was clearly not pleased though and clashed mandibles together and dribbled venom.
"That'll only hold it for a moment! Free me! I can help if you let me escape!"
That brought Harry's attention to the cage. A young girl in a cage? Well, he knew what to do about that.
"Alohamora!"
"Thank you," said the young girl as her cage came open. "I-"
"Get away quickly," said Harry as the spider began dancing closer. "I'm not sure this'll stop it. "
A jet of webbing was sent his way, Harry ducked.
The girl shook her head. "You don't trust me. Good practice, but don't automatically reject help if it's offered."
"You sound like the Professor," said Harry.
"No, but I'm part of the test," admitted the girl. "Now excuse me while I get back into the role. New kind of thing for me."
Cold. The kind of cold that was often attained in parts of Siberia. The kind of cold that left people wondering where the Ice Age had suddenly come from.
It was only present in the air for a split second and Harry could only feel it as it swept by and was mainly protected by it.
At which point he sprinted for the far door and made it through.
The Defence Professor was abruptly there and nodded at him. "Pass. Full points, Mister Potter. Well done."
Realizing he was in another classroom, Harry looked about. "Where's Ron?"
"Infirmary. Did you know he suffered from arachnophobia?" asked the Professor.
"Fear of spiders?" asked Harry. "Is he all right?"
"Required a calming draught, and I'd much rather it was administered by a member of the medical staff who are much more prepared to deal with any unexpected side effects that might crop up," said the Defence Professor.
There was a scream. Another scream. Someone yelling that his father was going to be informed about this. More screaming.
"Sounds like Malfoy," observed Harry.
"It is," said the Professor, he tapped his glasses. "When someone's in the room, the view changes so I can observe how they did."
"Not doing very well, is he?" asked Harry, trying not to smile but not being very good at it.
"He's ignoring the yukionna, who IS there to help anyone getting in over their head, and just blasted open three more crates using various spells that I did NOT teach any of my students. Oh, good grief."
Harry took a seat and waited. In a few moments, Draco appeared in the room. He was wrapped in webbing, missing a fair amount of his robes, splattered with a greenish goo, and looking as if he'd just clawed his way from the depths of hell.
"Draco Malfoy fail," said the Defence Professor. "Seriously. How did you manage to get ZERO points?"
"It wasn't fair," said Draco. "I shall inform my father of this travesty!"
* break *
"Remind me to slap your mother," said Lucius Malfoy.
"Wha-what?" asked an astounded Draco Malfoy.
"There is no way, no way, that you have sprung from my loins," said Lucius Malfoy, shaking his head and stalking off in a billow of robes.
As the Slytherin table went dead silent, other than a brief unladylike snort from Daphne Greengrass (who then glared around her as if to indicate she could never have done something so crude), Hermione sighed and shook her head.
"Hermione?" asked Harry.
"Fred and George," whispered Hermione. "Are not sitting at their usual spot."
"Ah," said Harry with a nod. Well, that certainly explained that didn't it?
* break *
The Defence Professor smiled.
The Death Eaters surrounding him weren't quite sure what to make of this.
Worse, for all that he looked rather like Patrick McNee had in his late 20s, and was fairly unassuming and blend-into-the-background in both muggle and wizarding society in appearance - it was not a nice smile.
It was a wolf smile. It was bared teeth and confidence. It was something to indicate that there was a basic misunderstanding about who was the predator and who was the prey.
"Don't try anything or your students-" began the lead Death Eater, gesturing towards the hostages.
There was a puff of smoke and the hostages were suddenly not there.
"Already rescued," said the defence Professor. "Good job, Mister Potter. Fifty points to Gryffindor. Oh, before I forget."
The doors all abruptly slammed shut with only a ripple in the air beyond one to indicate where exactly the hostages had gone.
"Hah! You trapped yourself in here with us!" declared the lead Death Eater. "You're outnumbered and surrounded. We'll make you beg for something as sweet as death before we finish you off."
"You done?" asked the defence Professor.
"Uhm. No. We will simply retake the hostages and torture your precious students after you're dead. You have accomplished nothing."
The umbrella slammed down on the floor, abruptly becoming a staff of black wood scribed with glowing golden runes.
An arm snapped out, and an armored bracer shimmered into visibility.
"I see," said the defence Professor. "Well then. How about if I-" There was a blur as he apparated behind the lead Death Eater "-begin."
Potion bottles arced out and the defence Professor slapped the Death Eater spokesman in the back before apparating again before reappearing behind another one.
"We have anti-apparation wards up, you can't leave," yelled the spokesman.
"That just means I can't leave this room," noted the defence Professor. "Let me teach you a few things."
* break *
"The Dark Lord is livid," said Severus Snape, allowing himself a smirk.
"Oh, why? He managed to take down his target," noted Minerva McGonagall.
"He lost sixteen Death Eaters taking down ONE wizard," said Snape. "He expected this to be a set of Crucios followed by an Avada Kedavra. He expected to make an example of someone who couldn't even get his name right. Instead, the 'weak' wizard used potion-bombs and pre-prepared spells and illusions to throw things into confusion. Sixteen - and three of them were members of standing amongst his followers."
"So he'll have to replace them," said Dumbledore. "Thank you, Severus. We'll have to keep that in mind. What a pity that he couldn't have simply captured or restrained them."
"I disagree," said Filius Flitwick, though everyone pretty much ignored his comment whatever their thoughts on the matter were.
"He lasted three years, a record that hasn't been broken in decades," noted McGonagall.
There was silence for a moment before Minerva McGonagall decided to ask a question. "How in the world do you suppose he made a fiendfyre grenade?"
"It wasn't," said Professor Snape, sniffing his brandy. "I ran across his notes. It was a muggle something called a 'fuel-air-bomb' with a reducing and a containment charm set to go off when he died and stored in a bracer. When he died both the containment and reducing charm failed and the device went off inside a house that had been rigged with anti-apparation wards. Potter's injuries were from tarrying near the limits of the detonation."
"His hearing should return by tomorrow," noted Professor McGonagall.
"On the other hand," said Snape, smirking slightly as he paused. "Apparently young witches are still looking for chances to prove their bravery by getting a moment alone with Potter. The Dark Lord still has no idea why or how he's getting Crucio levels of pain as nobody in the know wants to experience how much pain the Dark Lord will throw about on his followers once he learns. The Death Eaters are all planning to plead that they didn't believe it because of how silly it all sounds."
* -break- *
"MARRIAGE LAW?!" asked Minerva McGonagall. "Forcing young witches and wizards to marry. WHY?!"
Snape sighed and rolled his eyes. "You know how much pain it is causing the Dark Lord when random witches seek out Potter's lips? It was described as Crucio-like for a reason. He came up with this idea himself. If Potter is ostracized or paired with a single witch, it will cut down on the frequency of these little attacks."
Filius Flitwick looked over the parchment and began laughing.
"What's so funny, Filius? This is quite serious," exclaimed Minerva without a trace of humor.
"Paragraphs E and H," explained Filius. "Cutting through the Legalese, of which the wizarding version is even worse than the muggle variety, it states that those who are engaged prior to the law taking effect are exempt from arranged marriage until the engagement is broken off. Also - it allows for multiple engagements to those of Ancient and/or Noble Houses in order to ensure at least one engagement goes through on their majority. I think Lucius Malfoy did that one - he apparently still thinks Draco is the Black Heir."
"Well, if something..." Minerva McGonagall's voice trailed off. "A harem law."
"Not exactly, since the law doesn't strip any rights from the women involved other than what you would expect from a marriage," said Filius. "You know - behavior in keeping with the societal acceptability levels for the main family involved? It looks like they tried to pass something a bit more cranio-rectal-invertive but it was stricken down in the general vote."
"Suffer, Potter, suffer," said Severus Snape, looking out a window.
"What?" asked Minerva, going near the window and noticing that Harry Potter was running across the lawn with at least four female students in hot pursuit. "What do you suppose Potter did now?"
"Isn't it obvious?" asked Filius. "Mister Potter is safe. He is unlikely in the extreme to try and take any liberties or abuse the situation. So I suspect young Harry there is going to have a number of engagement proposals from various young witches. Possibly involving torture, ropes, kidnapping, attempts at potioning, blackmail, and so on."
Snape's smile was particularly evil as he turned from the window. "I shall prepare an extra-large supply of purgatives and laxatives for Poppy. A number of potions require such measures to be rid of their effects."
"You are a cruel cruel man, Severus," said Minerva.
Severus Snape inclined his head. "Thank you. Nice to know my efforts are appreciated."