One Floo Under #11
a series of unfortunate ideas which deal with Harry Potter which i have no intention of fleshing out into a fic.
i blame that i've got a bit over an hour's travel time to and from work every day. Sufficiently long that the mind wanders and can end up in unfamiliar territory. If there IS a fic with this idea down, be sure to list the title in comments so i can take a gander and see where someone else's muse ended up.
Though i admit that knowing that it will irritate certain trolls was a major reason to just go ahead and jot the idea down.
* break *
Hermione was watching her prey. Sort of prey. Well, it all depended on one's point of view she supposed.
Due to the nature of time travel, certain cruxpoints were easiest to get to. Sort of like stations on the train. Even she didn't understand all of it, but that was the nature of Base 60 math married to arithmancy and the runeset she'd been working with.
Travel through time was two-way with one (forward) being a LOT easier to do. The initial spell she'd run across, which hadn't even been in the restricted section, had been for going forward in time by a period of two years. The spell itself was worked out in a book on spell creation theory, and the writer had pointed out that it was fairly useless and had been developed after the writer had learned of mass extinctions and how to avoid being part of one. A major limitation was that one's magic and mind and memories and soul were all able to time-jump but the body being purely physical and an anchor for the rest did NOT. Which made it rather useless for surviving a mass extinction.
Time-jumping backwards took a lot more energy, could only be done at a major ley line nexus and only at certain times of the year, and basically threw one's mind and memories and magic into one's own past at a major cruxpoint in your history. To do the same thing physically required more power than she was going to have available to her even with all the preparations she'd made. Would make. Time travel tended to confuse things like that.
Which had brought her here. To the train going to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry on their very first day of their very first year.
Naturally, instead of going to a compartment with Neville and going through the whole "missing toad" quest - she'd immediately gone to Harry's compartment. Why go through all the intermediate steps when one could cut immediately to the good part? Not to mention that she'd been rather worried about how the whole time-displacement thing had worked out and seeing Harry again had been a rather high priority.
That had gone well, and instead of pointing a wand in his face and repairing his glasses to show off her skill - she'd asked first. It had been rather rude the first time through, and having him get used to people shoving a wand in his face was hardly survival-productive.
Then Daphne Greengrass had shown up, without her friend Davis, and politely introduced herself. When called on the overly-formal mannerisms, Hermione (and not incidently Harry) had been informed of the whole wizarding-world politics thing and how proper manners were stressed in many circles. Not following the forms was considered quite rude and bitter feuds had been known to start over such slights.
About halfway through the explanation more girls had begun showing up. Also chiming in on this or that point, offering little bits of advice or examples on how things worked within the wizarding worlds and things to try and avoid.
By the time that Ron Weasley made his appearance, the compartment was rather full. She had no idea if Neville found his toad Trevor, but considering the toad had somehow showed up at the steps of Hogwarts without apparently anyone noticing the wayward amphibian - she wasn't going to worry about that. No, much more concerning was how everyone seemed especially solicitous of Harry and familiar with him...
Oh.
Wait a moment.
Could it be?
"Harry? I think we need to get ready for arriving at Hogwarts. We need to change into our Hogwarts robes." Hermione took hers out of her suitcase, trying to give him the hint.
"Ah, right," said Harry. Who himself looked a bit dazed and confused.
"Harry? We can't change with you here," said Daphne Greengrass.
"Ah, right," repeated Harry, getting his robes out of his suitcase and scurrying off. He was not running or panicking, thank you.
After he'd left, Hermione took a deep breath to settle herself. "Everyone who has certain future endeavors in mind..."
"You're from the future too," said Daphne.
"Well, yes, I was trying to get to that," said a slightly-miffed Hermione. "Raise your hands if you've come Back From The Future."
Hermione raised her hand. Daphne raised her hand. Susan raised her hand. Cho raised her hand. Luna raised her hand. The Patil twins raised their hands. Su Li raised her hand.
"I meant to ask you about that, Luna. You don't even start until next year," said Hermione.
Luna shrugged. "I'm just riding the train, and writing about my experiences for the Quibbler. Press passes can be quite useful."
Hermione was thoughtful for a moment before Greengrass delicately cleared her throat.
"How many of us were married to Harry Potter in the future?" asked Daphne.
Again a show of hands.
"Of course," said Hermione, realizing what this meant. "We didn't come from THE future, we came from A future. Oh bother."
"How many of us saw large numbers of people die in the war against the Dark Lord, and Harry dies to a surviving Death Eater almost twenty-five years down the road?" asked Luna.
All those hands showed again.
"Well, this is a bit of a problem," said Hermione.
"Hadn't expected competition," agreed Daphne.
There was silence briefly, broken by Susan speaking. "Maybe not."
"No? I assume each of us wants to end up with Harry at the end of this," said Hermione.
"You're thinking of cooperating until that stage?" asked Daphne.
"No," said Susan. "We're all married to Harry and we had ceremonies where we used the usual magical oaths right?"
"Oh bother," said Hermione, eyes widening. "That would mean..."
"We're all already married to Harry?" asked Daphne. "How does that even work? Admittedly it's not against the law or anything in the magical world. Rare as all and usually just two wives and even then only in special circumstances."
"We spring Sirius Black early, prove his innocence, and then let him trick us into signing up for Harry's harem?" asked Luna. "That could work."
"We'll discuss this later," promised Hermione. "Right now we're ELEVEN. Just be his friend for now and we need to change into our robes anyway."
* BREAK *
Harry confronted Draco directly across the table.
"What is it, Potter? Lose your way?"
"I've heard the rumors, Malfoy," said Harry. "I'll say it to your face. I'm not interested."
Draco was curious as to what rumors. He started a few after all. Potter wetting his bed for example. "Oh? You sure?"
"I'm quite sure, Draco. Keep your sick fantasies to yourself," said Harry. He turned, took two steps, then turned back and added one bit. "I happen to like GIRLS."
The Slytherin table had gone completely still.
"What the hell was that about?" asked Draco.
* break *
The circle of young witches parted to reveal the intruder in their midst.
"Peter Pettigrew?! But he's dead!"
"No, we used stunners," said Daphne Greengrass. She paused for a moment. "Well, except for Hermione. Full body bind. And Luna. Not sure what that was you hit him with."
"Tsukuyomi," said Luna. "A living nightmare spell. He spent forty-eight hours as a partially paralyzed rat surrounded by hungry dock cats."
"That explains why he's shivering and crying despite being in a full body bind," realized Daphne. "Nasty. I approve."
"Thank you, milady, you are most gracious," said Luna, miming a curtsy.
"Why is a supposedly dead Peter Pettigrew lying in a full body-bind, wetting himself, on the floor of the girls' bathroom?" asked Minerva McGonagall.
"Unregistered animagus," said Luna. "Snuck into the girls' bathroom. Naturally on seeing a rat creeping around, we threw a few spells at it."
"Ah," said McGonagall. That made a bit of sense.
"I had a vision," said Luna. "He was the Potter's secret keeper for the Fidelius. Look at his arm."
"The Dark Mark?!" exclaimed McGonagall after checking the limb in question.
Everyone nodded. Luna had a reputation as weird, but also as a Seer. It had been decided that any future knowledge they wanted dispersed would come from Luna as she was unlikely to ever fit in completely anyway.
* break *
Fred and George managed to look innocent.
Of course, they weren't innocent. They also weren't present because they knew they'd give it away and this prank was entirely too good to spoil.
They'd heard the rumors and if they just helped them along a bit - no harm after all.
Draco took one spot. Harry Potter the other.
"That's right," said Gilderoy Lockhart. "Salute. Start!"
"You've had this coming, Potter," said Draco, his wand jabbing out. "Stupefy!"
"Protego," cast Harry.
A bouquet of red roses bounced off Harry's shield.
Draco stared. Harry stared. Snape facepalmed. Gilderoy Lockhart blinked. Two Slytherins fainted. More Slytherins smirked. One Slytherin exclaimed that they'd known it all along.
"That's it," said Harry, backing away. "Not doing this. Nope nope nope. Take the express 'no' train to nopeville station. I want nothing to do with Malfoy, damnit."
"Potter concedes," said Lockhart. "Perhaps though - Mister Malfoy shouldn't declare his feelings in such a public setting."
"It's not like THAT!" protested Draco Malfoy, examining his wand to determine if it had somehow been switched. It hadn't, as far as he could tell.
"It's not good to deny your feelings like that, Malfoy," stated Daphne Greengrass, maintaining a perfectly serious expression. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with finding boys attractive."
* break *
The goblin bared teeth in something approximating a human smile. "Ah, Missus Potter. And I see you brought Missus Potter, Missus Potter, and Missus Potter. I take it that the various other Missus Potter are not attending?"
"Do you have any idea how hard it was just for us to get here on a Hogsmeade visit?" asked Cho Chang.
"That WAS why I put forth this day on the betting pool," admitted the goblin. "I take it Mister Potter isn't attending?"
"Next year at the earliest," said Cho. "He's watched more carefully."
"Understood," said the goblin. "Now, you understand our curiosity when the Account Manager determined that quite suddenly there were no less than nine Missus Potters?"
"NINE?" responded Cho.
"Nine rings for mortal witches... sorry," said Luna. Nobody understood her references anyway.
"Do you have a list?" asked Cho.
"Yes, of course we do, but we need Mister Potter here with his key in order to perform any but the most basic of services," said the clerk.
"Bugger," said Cho.
"Indeed," agreed the goblin clerk.
"So Susan was right and the magical oaths of a wedding carried over," mused Cho.
"Sort of," said the goblin. "In a matter of speaking. Mostly."
"That sounds ominous," said Luna.
"Indeed, you are quite right in that," said the goblin. "For the records show that you are married to Harry Potter. However, he is not married to you. Most curious indeed."
"That could be a problem," admitted Cho.
"Now THAT is another betting pool entirely," agreed the goblin.
"Really?" asked Cho. "What kind of odds are we talking about?"
The goblin's grin turned up a couple of notches. "Oh, there are most definitely some long odds involved."
* break *
Lucius Malfoy favored his son with a completely stony expression.
"Father?"
Lucius sighed. "Son, if you're attracted to other boys that makes it somewhat problematic to carry on the Malfoy line."
"It's NOT like THAT!"
"One must adapt, however," said Lucius who had heard quite enough about both his son's obsession over the Potter brat and denial of same. "I have heard that Potter will not accept your affections."
"NOT that at ALL!" insisted Draco.
"Slytherin is the House of the Cunning, Draco," said Lucius Malfoy. "Not the House of Unresolved Sexual Tension. From the stories around since before I was enrolled - that would be Ravenclaw."
"I am not... seriously?" asked Draco, blinking. This was the first he had heard of it.
"Oh yes," said Lucius. "Some of those books you usually see them walking around with. Read the titles. In any case, one must merely choose your wife and then one can indulge those tastes in secret. I believe your great-grandfather did the same."
"Uncle Moriarity?" asked Draco, who started twitching.
"The main thing I wanted to impress upon you, Draco," said Lucius. "Be more discrete. I am arranging an engagement for you. Astoria Greengrass. That way the Malfoy line can continue, and you can pursue your tastes with discretion."
"Seriously, why does no one believe me?" asked Draco.
* break *
"Poor Harry," said Ron Weasley, moving a rook.
"What, that he gets dragged off by five girls to go have a private study session?" asked Ernie.
"Exactly, all that time studying," said Ron, shaking his head. "It's terrible, it is. So much time wasted when he could be practicing quidditch or doing something worthwhile. Damn shame."
"Could be worse, could be like Malfoy," said Ernie.
"Yeah, I... oh gawd," said Ron, turning nearly white in stark contrast to his hair. "He's always coming round and putting me and my family down. Do you suppose...?"
Ernie didn't think so, but frankly this was entirely too good a setup to waste. "Could be. I think Malfoy's been checking out your backside a couple of times."
Ron's head was not in it for the entirety of the game, which allowed Ernie to win his first game of Wizard's Chess.
* break *
"HARRY!" called out one of the Beauxbatons contingent, her face lighting up as she waved.
Hermione took a single step back. "What do you think?"
"Entirely too likely," whispered Daphne in return.
"How's it going with Tracey, anyway?" asked Susan.
"She and Neville hit it off right away, though I hear Hannah Abbott is nosing about. Might end up a trio after Harry's example," said Daphne softly. "It appears we're trendsetters."
"That's just all so sorts of wrong," muttered Hermione.
* break *
Sirius put the mug down on the table, drained as the ale had certainly deserved his full attention while filled, and looked over at his old friend. "I have NO idea. I know I'm good, but THAT good?"
"I was rather surprised as well," agreed Remus Lupin. "If you'd done that to James, Lilly would have had your hide."
"I think I need a refill to even contemplate that," said Sirius. "I had no idea that James had made that arrangement."
"It was just... Ah, thank ye kindly, Matilda," said Sirius as his mug was exchanged for another frosty mug of the tavern's finest.
Remus Lupin waited as a good half of the brew was given Sirius' full attention. "So, this study group apparently found out you'd never been given a trial?"
"Yes," said Sirius, nodding his head. "And they wanted to find out more about You-Know-Who. Something about his tactics and strategies and real motivations and such."
"'Know thy enemy'," said Remus. "Clever girls."
"Which makes how I managed to outsmart them all and trick them into signing up to join Harry's harem all the more perplexing," said Sirius. "Not that I'm complaining. I just wish I could remember what arguments I was using when I was holed up in that cave."
"Not too surprising that your time in Azkaban left you a bit mentally shaky," said Remus. "Some people never make a full recovery after all. Just spending a five-year sentence in Azkaban has left more than a few with problems that haunt them the rest of their lives."
"I just remember bits and flashes," bemoaned Sirius. "I got my godson a harem of lovely and intelligent witches and I can't remember HOW."
"You want to try and get yourself one, don't you?" asked Remus drily.
"Not nearly that many," said Sirius. "What are people going to think when the story on that breaks but I'm all by myself without my own harem?"
"Well, glad you're doing better, but I have preparations for this year," said Remus, getting up from his seat. "Teaching Defense Against The Dark Arts this year."
"You, a teacher," said Sirius. "Well, you always were the responsible one. It just seems wrong that one of the original Marauders end up in a position of authority."
"Funny how life works out sometimes," said Remus before idly waving away some little insect that had zipped by him. "Keep in touch, Sirius."
"Take care, Moony," said Sirius, looking into his beer and still wracking his brain over that muddle of memories.
* break *
BOY-WHO-LIVED IS
BOY-WITH-HAREM!
A Rita Skeeter exclusive!
This reporter has learned that Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, is the unwitting and unwilling boy with a harem. Even more surprising, the person responsible for this strange state-of-affairs doesn't know how this came to pass as he is still dealing with the after-effects of his time in Azkaban. That's right, it is the fault of one Sirius Black - the recently exonerated prankster from Hogwarts.
The girls in question have been getting along quite well since their first year at Hogwarts, putting aside differences from their various Houses in order to excel at their schoolwork and further their individual goals. As part of a study group that brings together different philosophies and backgrounds it has been noted by the professors that their collective expertise has grown well beyond what is normally seen from beginning students.
Yet, other than complaining about how they were tricked into this by the 'silver-tongued devil in black' and similar comments, the group seems to have come to a 'wait and see' attitude towards this development. Normally this sort of thing might be expected to see the group devolve into infighting and see the group split off with their friendships forgotten. Not so here.
As to Harry Potter's own opinion on all this, his own statement was that he didn't have anything to do with any of this and he's as confused by it all as anyone else. He confessed to one of his best friends, a Ronald Weasley, that his upbringing among the muggle family he was placed with left him with no experience in people actually being nice to him - much less being openly friendly.
For more details ferreted out by this intrepid reporter on Harry Potter's home life, see page 12.
For more on Sirius Black's recovery, see page 8.
For the Ministry's response to Harry's harem, see page 11.
*break*
The owls had brought the Daily Prophet to them.
Harry was quite aware of the glares directed towards him from a large number of the male populace of Hogwarts.
Harry was also quite aware of the glares directed towards him from a large number of the female populace of Hogwarts.
Harry was not quite so prepared for the number of thumbs pointed up that were given him.
Harry was not prepared at all for the speculative looks given him by a number of other witches who were present.
Harry didn't even want to think about Draco Malfoy yelling "It's not like that!" to one of his table-mates.
Yeah, he didn't want to think about that last one at all.
"Hermione? Is there a reason half the school is ready to start throwing hexes in my direction?" asked Harry.
"I'm sure it won't come to that," said Hermione.
"Is there a reason Professor Flitwick is laughing his hat off?" tried Harry.
"Professor Flitwick has always been far more clever and appreciative of subtle plans than certain others," remarked Daphne.
"True enough," said Hermione, raising her glass of pumpkin juice in Flitwick's direction.
Harry shook his head. He knew there were meanings in the conversation he didn't understand, but the only explanation that he'd been able to come up with so far was impossible.
* break *
Never let it be said that Minerva McGonagall couldn't stop ignoring the 400kg elephant in the room. Or the multiton metal tiger for that matter. "Miss Granger. Why exactly is there a gigantic golem in the Great Hall?"
"Runes project," said Hermione. "Had an idea on how to fix an issue with it. Oh, and the proper term is 'giant robot' and its name is 'Tiger Ace' or Tigger for short."
McGonagall looked over the giant metal tiger which was now licking one paw. "And what would be the purpose of a seven meter long metal tiger 'giant robot'?"
"Besides a project I hope will impress the examiners when we get to seventh year?" asked Hermione. "Defending the school should it become necessary. Like I said though - work in progress. I just managed to work out how to get the eyes to flash dramatically when I say something positive about how he'll make attackers beware."
(Pose/Eyeflash/Dramatic Thunder)
"Professor, you're facepalming again," pointed out Hermione.
"Leave your 'giant robot' outside in the future please, Miss Granger," said McGonagall.
"Your dramatic background lightning just struck Draco Malfoy," pointed out Daphne to Hermione. "Nice touch."
"Thank you, Daphne," said a smiling Hermione. "Thought that was appropriate as he keeps trying to flirt with Harry."
There were a few looks towards the twitching form of Draco Malfoy before Theodore Nott decided to speak up. "As Malfoy seems unable to say it - I'll just state that he would state it isn't flirting and not like that and all the usual blather he keeps bringing up."
"Even though we all KNOW the truth," said Hermione, who knew darn well that Draco wasn't actually flirting with Harry but it was just too darn good an opportunity not to use it.
author note time:
1) no, i had no plan to continue this or flesh it out. Just an odd idea and handful of scenes that had occurred to me while sitting in traffic.
2) no, Harry's harem isn't actually a harem. The term "harem" implies he controls them and this is not the case. It doesn't even imply he's going to get frisky with them. Honestly, the girls are all much older (mentally) than Harry and i suspect that would prevent things going beyond them treating him as a worryingly-heroic somewhat-exasperating younger brother figure.
3) the idea that Harry would have a harem (or more accurately is perceived to have a harem) would cause Draco to want to try and do the same and outdo Harry. That this might result in Draco getting the snot beaten or cursed out of him amuses me.
4) magical weddings and contracts might keep them together until reaching their majority and defeating Voldemort.
5) Draco does not actually fancy Harry. If he did, it wouldn't be as amusing.
6) The entirety of the "One Floo Under" are ideas that came to me, that i wrote out as a form of catharsis. If you write an anonymous review to correct my grammar, berate my smattering of Harry Potter lore, or simply to be a troll (in the dungeon!) - then i reserve the right to delete or ignore it.
7) There is no 7.
8) i wouldn't do this one even if i were back to writing, because i've explored most of the basic themes before and while i find some of them funny - i'm quite aware that some people get triggered by certain concepts. While i might find a certain purpose in bringing a bit of happy to people, frankly i'd rather do it by bringing cookies. A target for vitriol - not so much. Dealing with your issues is not the responsibility of me or any other author.