Wow, I updated this way faster than I thought I would. Probably because my Lit midterm studying is making my brain want to pop out of my head and vomit information about Moby-Dick, Scarlet Letter, and Walden all over the place. Anyway, special thanks to Meimeiaru8, who suggested the Akatsuki trying to fly broomsticks. As soon as I read that, I started thinking about who would love, hate, or be indifferent to broomsticks. And I thought about Madame Hooch's reaction to the Akatsuki's ninja version of broomstick riding. Oh, and I decided to set this is Order of the Phoenix because of Umbridge. At some point I'll try to dedicate a chapter or a piece of a chapter to Umbridge vs the Akatsuki.
Unaware of what was going on with Konan, Nagato, Tobi, and Itachi (who were currently meeting with the headmaster about wandless magic), the Gryffindors and Slytherins stood in the Quidditch pitch, waiting for Madame Hooch to bring out whatever it was that they were to fly on.
"This sounds so awesome!" Deidara exclaimed, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "I wonder if it's anything like my flying art, un?"
"For your sake, I hope not," said Yahiko, vaguely recalling what Deidara referred to as art. He remembered it involved a lot of destruction.
"If I f- fly, I wonder how many more f- sacrifices to Lord Jashin I can collect?" Hidan wondered aloud. "I mean, if I had my scythe, I could f- mow down a bunch and do the rest later!"
Yahiko sighed, questioning his own (and Nagato's) mental stability. He really needed to ask Konan why they'd hired who'd they'd hired. "The more you use that word, the less it means to all of us," he said to Hidan. "Now shut up. Here comes the teacher."
"Alright, everyone!" shouted Madame Hooch. "Take a broomstick and place it in front of you."
"This looks nice," said Zetsu. "Can I eat it?"
Exasperated, Yahiko exclaimed, "No, Zetsu, you can't eat it! Stop asking that!" Then he thought better of it. "Actually, ask me every time." I don't want him causing too much of a ruckus. Especially since he's a cannibal.
"Everyone got a broom?" asked Madame Hooch. "Good. Now hold your hand over it and say 'Up!'. Got it?"
"Up, un!" Deidara yelled. His broom flew to his hand. "So cool, un!" Then he looked at it. "How do you ride this thing, un? Stand? Sit? Hang on? Un?"
"Why does he always say 'un' when he's done talking?" Yahiko asked Kisame.
Kisame shrugged. "Speech impediment? Dunno. Man, I hope flying is as good as swimming. Up!" And the broom flew up to his hand.
"Madame Hooch!" Deidara called. "Is this right, un?" He was standing on the broom, arms out, and using chakra to stick to it. "How do I make this thing move, un?"
"Lemme f- show you!" Hidan exclaimed as he shoved Deidara's broom. It immediately shot off. "F- sweet!" Hidan yelled. "Up!" He jumped onto the broom, using chakra to stay standing. "Gimme a f- push, Shark-face!"
Kisame grumbled, and then threw Hidan's broom like a javelin. "I hope he crashes and breaks his neck," he said to Yahiko. "He's such a pain!"
Madame Hooch turned around, startled by the excited yells. "Who said you could take off- what on earth do you two think you're doing?!" She stared as Hidan and Deidara shot around the Quidditch pitch, standing on their broomsticks.
"I'm gonna try," said Yahiko. "Up!" He and Kisame stepped up on their brooms. "Zetsu, push us." Zetsu obliged, and the two de-aged nin shot off.
"How do you steer this thing?" Kisame yelled to Deidara.
"Body weight distribution!" Deidara yelled back. "The not-bristly end is the back, and the branch end is the front, un. Lean to your back to make it turn right, and lean to your front to make it go left, un. Put more pressure in your foot near the broom front to go down, and do the opposite to make it go up, un! This is almost as good as riding my art, un!"
Then they heard a shriek of, "How do you f- steer this thing again?!" They turned to see Hidan go hurtling straight for the ground.
"You fool," they heard Sasori say as he caught Hidan with chakra strings. He and Kakuzu, bored by Professor Umbridge, the Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, had simply gotten up and left class again.
"Why'd you catch him?" Kakuzu asked.
"If we didn't, then we'd have to explain to these strange civilians why Hidan isn't dead, and I don't feel like thinking up a scientific reason for that," said Sasori. "Unless, of course, you do."
"Deidara! How do you stop?!" asked Yahiko.
"I'm working on it!" Deidara yelled back.
By now, Madame Hooch had snatched a broom and was chasing the bunch across the pitch.
"Ok, too fast," said Kisame. "I'm a water guy myself. I'm jumping!" he yelled. "Heads up below!" And he jumped. Madame Hooch screeched to a stop below him, about to cast a cushioning charm under him. To her surprise, the boy dropped easily on all fours, deliberately away from her charm.
Sasori dragged Kisame's broom to a stop and drew it to him. "This could be interesting," he muttered. He dropped Hidan unceremoniously next to Kakuzu, and mounted the broom, carefully sticking with chakra. Then Hidan roughly shoved the broom as revenge for Sasori dropping him. Sasori and his broom went flying into the pitch.
By now Deidara was laughing hysterically. "Come to join us, danna?" he asked, flying alongside Sasori. "Boy, if only Tobi was here, un! Now that would be hilarious! Do you think he'd figure out how to fly on his own, un? Or do you think he'd crash like Hi-dumb over there? Danna, un?"
"Brat, shut up," Sasori hissed as he used his chakra strings to steer.
"It's easier if you use your feet to steer, un," Deidara commented. "Just lean the opposite way you want to turn, and lean to the back to go up and to the front to go down, un."
"Shut up, brat," Sasori snapped.
"You don't like flying, danna, un?" Deidara asked, laughing.
"Not like this, no," said Sasori. "You're flying menaces are better transportation than this."
"So you're finally showing appreciation for my art, un? I never thought I'd see the day!"
Finally, Madame Hooch cast an immobilizing charm. "All of you, stop it! Twenty points from each of you for your recklessness! Wait. Who are you? You're not in my class, Mr. Weasley," she said to Sasori.
"What did you call me?" Sasori asked, trying to figure out why he couldn't move.
"Aren't you related to the Weasley's?" Madame Hooch asked. "Your hair is close enough to theirs."
Yahiko was baffled by his sudden immobility. Is it an illusion and I'm really about to crash into the walls? Or is this some strange technique that we need to analyze and utilize? "Kai!" he said, trying to dispel the possible illusion. Nothing happened. Suddenly they were able to move.
"All of you get down. You're going to have a long talk with the heads of your houses," Madame Hooch snapped.
"Should we pull the S-rank criminal card?" asked Kisame.
"I'm not sure these civilians know what an S-rank criminal is," said Yahiko.
"That was awesome, un!" Deidara exclaimed, still on an adrenalin rush. "We've gotta show the others this!"
"We will," Yahiko said. "Tonight we're going to learn how to make and how to fly these things."
"Fly I understand," said Kisame, "but why make?"
Kakuzu, out of annoyance, had knocked out Hidan and dragged him along as he walked with his comrades. "Those things are obviously not made back at home," he said to Kisame. "Not many shinobi can fly, the exceptions being the Tsuchikage and his family. Even the ones who make means to fly can't fly like the broom can. Not even Deidara can fly like that. Air travel is something still unexplored in the shinobi lands. Can you imagine what an advantage being able to fly would be?"
"We'd leave no trails and be untraceable," said Yahiko. "This could be great! So, tonight. Zetsu, tell everyone." Zetsu nodded and slipped away.
l l l
That night, after a long talking to from the heads of houses, Kakuzu and Sasori's detention for walking out of Professor Umbridge's class, and leaving clones in their beds, the Akatsuki all slipped down the to the Quidditch pitch.
"So you all were the cause of the fiasco this afternoon?" asked Nagato. "I should have guessed."
"Before we start, what story did you feed the headmaster, Konan?" asked Yahiko.
"I made up a vague sob story about us being stranded here," said Konan. "I told him we touched something and it brought us here, and the headmaster decided that it must have been something he called a 'rogue portkey'."
"What did you tell him about our backgrounds?" asked Sasori.
"I told him that Tobi, Zetsu, and Hidan have mental diseases ("What?! Jashinism isn't a disease!" Hidan exclaimed, outraged.) and that we were all orphaned, found each other, and struggled to survive until we somehow got whisked away to this strange place. I passed Nagato and Itachi's eyes and Zetsu, Kakuzu, Kisame's appearances as the result of some weird curses that we don't understand."
"Good," said Yahiko. "I hope he actually bought it. Now, we discovered a new method of transportation. The civilians here call them broomsticks. Zetsu, did you get them?" Zetsu nodded. "Good. So, you take them, say 'up', stand on them and use chakra to stick, and then push off. Someone will have to push."
"This is awesome, un!" Deidara exclaimed as he upped his broom, climbed on, and then explained how to steer. As he demonstrated how to go up, the broom shot up.
Yahiko scratched his head. "Ok, so you don't need a push. Alright, everyone. Try it."
Tobi enthusiastically shouted 'up', climbed on, and steered up. "WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" he shrieked as he shot away. Deidara cracked up.
"Tobi, quiet," Nagato ordered as the masked boy whizzed around the Quidditch pitch. "We can't be discovered."
"Someone needs to keep guard," said Yahiko. "Konan?"
"Of course," she said. She upped a broom, got on, and gently tilted it up. The broom eased into a gentle ascent.
"Oh, good. You figured out the speed control," said Kisame.
"Speed control is no f- fun!" Hidan exclaimed as he climbed on and shot away.
"How do you stop?" Konan asked.
"Try leveling," Itachi suggested as he mounted and gently floated up. Konan tried and came to an easy stop.
"Everyone has to try," said Yahiko. "That means Kakuzu, Sasori, and Nagato too."
"By the way, who is Nagato?" asked Kisame as he flew near Yahiko. "I've never seen him 'round before."
"Um…" Yahiko looked at Konan, who shrugged. "Let's just say I'm actually supposed to be dead and that my body was just a puppet. Nagato is the guy with the Rinnegan who controlled the Seven Paths. According to my somewhat faulty memory, he used my corpse as his Deva Path. Hey, Nagato, why'd you need to use the Paths instead of your own body?"
"I was crippled by our enemy," said Nagato. "I couldn't fight, so I needed the Paths to do it."
"Oh. I keep saying we'll talk later, so whenever a free later comes up, we will talk, ok?" Yahiko asked his two closest friends.
"Does Zetsu have to fly too?" Kakuzu grumbled as he carefully floated up.
"Uh, yeah. Zetsu, you try too," said Yahiko. "Sasori, would you catch Tobi before he kills himself and gets eaten by Zetsu?" Sasori silently obliged.
"I figured out how to stop!" Deidara yelled. "You have to throw yourself into descent while aiming up, un." He came screeching to a stop in front of Sasori and Tobi. "Where's Hi-dumb?"
"Dunno," said Kisame. "Yo! 'Tachi! Where's Hidan?"
"He crashed into what looks like a semi-mobile tree a few seconds ago," said Itachi. "Should we help him?"
"Probably," said Yahiko. "After we rescue him, I'm gonna take your opinions on broomsticks, and then we'll figure out how to make them."
"We have to make them, un?" Deidara whined.
"Yes," said Kakuzu. "I'm not spending money to get them imported from here back to the Shinobi continent."
"Stop complaining and let's move!" Yahiko ordered. There was a chorus of 'Yes, Leader, sir,' and everyone flew to the 'living tree'.
"This is hilarious, un!" Deidara snorted. "If only I had a camera- then I could blackmail you with pictures of you getting beaten up by a tree, un!"
"Then he'd be a disgrace to all who call themselves S-rank criminals, brat," Sasori muttered.
"I'M GONNA F- SACRIFICE THIS F- THING TO F- LORD JASHIN!" Hidan screamed.
"Shut up!" Nagato snapped. "Someone make him be quiet." Itachi caught Hidan in an illusion. Hidan quickly shut his mouth. "Good. Zetsu, what's the deal with this tree?"
"It guards something," Zetsu said.
"How to we stop it's flailing?" asked Konan.
"I'll do it," said Sasori. He used chakra strings to force the tree to be still. "Hurry up."
Kakuzu and Kisame dragged Hidan out. "Should I fix him up?" Kakuzu asked.
"Yeah," said Yahiko. "The medic here asks a lot of questions. Now that we've got him where can we meet?"
"The roof?" suggested Konan.
"Sure. Zetsu, put the brooms away and then join us. Where's Tobi?" asked Yahiko.
Konan flew up. "He's stuck on his broom. He's not jumping."
"Grab him and let's go."
l l l
When the brooms were all put away and the rooftop meeting was over, Yahiko silently read what his organization had written down regarding broomsticks.
· Yahiko: good, speedy transportation that doesn't leave a trail
· Nagato: "
· Konan: good, but already have means of flying, courtesy of Deidara
· Kakuzu: possibly expensive to make, but useful – you won't catch me on one of them, though
· Hidan: SO F- AWESOME! I'M GONNA F- SACRIFICE ONE TO LORD JASHIN AS A GIFT!
· Kisame: cool, but I like walking and swimming
· Itachi: very useful; will give us an advantage over our enemies
· Sasori: no, just no; I don't care how useful they are – if we bring them home, there's always a chance the hidden villages will find out and make their own, which we'll then have to combat
· Deidara: is my danna scared of heights?! Hahahaha I love these things almost as much as I love my art! Yeah!
· Tobi: brooms are good, just like Tobi is good!
· Zetsu: we don't care- we don't fly
"Everything's back in place, Leader-sama. May we eat people sleep now?" Zetsu asked.
"Yeah, go ahead," said Yahiko. "Tomorrow we're all gonna figure out how these things are made. Oh, and we're going to have to suffer through those stupid classes if we want to keep a low profile. So, before you go to sleep, tell everyone that we now have a mission here. We're going to learn these people's powers, translate them into our techniques, and then figure out how to go home and use our powers against people. And please inform Sasori that he is heavily outvoted regarding the brooms."
"Yes, Leader-sama," said Zetsu.
As Zetsu slipped away, Yahiko rolled over in his bed. Why did want to make a giant illusion called the Eye of the Moon again? He'd have to ask Konan and Nagato. But it whatever the reason, the giant illusion would have to wait. The strange but wonderful techniques here were definitely better than controlling a bunch of strange, illusion-ified people.
I kinda cut out the headmaster-Akatsuki explaining stuff, because that's no fun! So it happened behind the scenes...Once again, special thanks to Meimeiaru8 for inspiring this chapter.