I couldn't get this out of my mind and I kinda need to focus during school now since teachers are regretting not planning their material appropriately and are therefore cramming to get everything they need to in for the finals. So my readers benefit by having me update quicker than usual. Special appreciation goes to Alibi Nonsense, who at some point a while back got me started on the whole Umbridge-Hidan-blood quill thing. Enjoy.
Hidan grumbled and cursed his luck and Jashin as Kakuzu escorted him to Professor Umbridge's office. "Don't make any more of a fool out of yourself than you already have," Kakuzu muttered as he shoved his immortal comrade in front of the door.
"As if I, a devout f- follower of f- Jashin-sama, will stay in that f- room painted with glowing pink s- and listen to some heathen b- lecture me about f- discipline," Hidan seethed. "I'm a f- S-rank Jashinist! I could f- kill twenty of that b- without even asking f- Lord Jashin's blessing!"
"That's great," Kakuzu said as he knocked on the door and body-flickered away when they heard rustling inside the room.
"F- you, you f- miser," Hidan grumbled as Professor Umbridge opened the door.
"Oh my, my, my," Professor Umbridge said, shaking her head. "I can see that we have a lot of work to do."
"Like s- we do, f- b-," Hidan spat.
"Indeed we do, young man," Professor Umbridge said.
"What are ya gonna f- do? f- lecture me?" Hidan asked as he plopped down in a chair. "Lemme get f- comfy. I'm gonna f- be hearing s- from you all night."
Professor Umbridge looked slightly perturbed for a moment, and then smiled a sugary sweet smile. "Oh, I'm not going to lecture you, Mr. No-last-name," she said. "You're going to write lines."
"Great," Hidan snapped. "F- great. How many?" he asked as Professor Umbridge handed him a quill pen.
"Just until I think the message has, ah, sunk in," Professor Umbridge said. She placed a piece of paper in front of him.
"What the f- am I even supposed to write?" Hidan asked, casually scratching his head with the quill.
"First you will write one line that says 'I will arrive at detention properly dressed'," the professor said as she flicked her wand and Hidan's wrinkled and poorly-kept uniform fixed itself.
"Hey! Ties are f- tight, and tucked shirts feel like s-!" Hidan shouted.
"Write the line," Professor Umbridge said sweetly.
"F- fine," Hidan muttered. "'I will…arrive…at detention…properly…dressed," the Jashinist said as he wrote in a messy scrawl. "Heh. F- red ink. Is everything in you f- room red-based?"
Professor Umbridge looked at him. "Do you feel it?" she asked.
"F- feel what?" Hidan asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Your left hand," Professor Umbridge said, looking perturbed again.
Hidan raised his left hand. A cut in his own messy scrawl was slowly healing. To Professor Umbridge's great shock and surprise, a huge grin spread over his face. "F- sweet! I think I might be f- changing my mind about you, you b-!" he exclaimed. "Where'd you get these f- awesome things? Did f- Lord Jashin himself bestow these upon you?"
Professor Umbridge stared at him, shook herself, and then finally said, "Write 'I will be disciplined'. And write it until I say stop."
"With this thing? F- yeah!" Hidan exclaimed as he busily started writing.
Professor Umbridge stared at Hidan as he wrote lines as quickly as possible. His left hand bled and bled and bled, but he didn't seem to care. When Hidan hit a pace so fast that the cuts didn't heal fully before he started over, his blood started dripping down his hand and pooling on the table. Finally, she said, "Show me your hand."
Hidan held up his hand. Professor Umbridge flicked her wand and the blood disappeared. She stared at his hand. Engraved in it was 'Lord Jashin is our only hope. Our blood will redeem the world.'
"Why did you write this?" she asked.
"I switched when I noticed that you were too f- busy watching my hand bleed than with what I was f- writing," Hidan said. "You didn't say s- about what was showing up on it, so I just kept going. I'd f- rather have this in my hand than that other f- phrase you wanted me to write."
Professor Umbridge stared. Then she blinked. Finally, struggling to regain her composure, she said, "Dismissed."
"Am I f- coming back tomorrow?" Hidan asked.
Professor Umbridge hesitated. After a moment, she said, "You will be informed tomorrow."
"F- yeah!" Hidan cheered. "Man, I pray to Lord Jashin that all the f- detentions in this place are as f- good as this! Night, b-!" Taking the quill, Hidan casually headed out the door and slammed it behind him.
Professor Umbridge, in some sort of state of shock, stared after him. She realized that he'd taken her quill, grimaced, and then wrote a note to her Inquisitorial Squad.
A certain first-year Gryffindor has something of mine, she wrote. It is precious to me and must be taken back at all costs. The offender has silver-hair, pink eyes, and a vulgar mouth. Consult Argus Filch for more details regarding him- he knows of whom I speak.
Satisfied, Professor Umbridge summoned Filch. "Give the message to the Inquisitorial Squad. That Mr. No-name you sent here ran off with my blood quill. We can't have the other teachers knowing about it."
"I understand," Filch said, smiling. "Mrs. Norris, it's time to play," he called as he left the room.
Professor Umbridge sat back in her chair. Flicking her wand, she got rid of the drying blood on her table. Eyeing the spot where Hidan had been sitting five minutes ago with distaste, she contemplated on what she should do for his next detention. Clearly she couldn't send him to someone else, or he and his big, vulgar mouth might say something about her usual detention methods. "That annoying little brat," she said out loud. "Ah! He wasn't looking forward to a lecture. Well, I suppose that's next."
l l l
Hidan banged open his dorm's door. "Hey, s-heads!" he yelled. "Guess what I got?"
"What, un?" Deidara asked, annoyed as he rolled tiny little clay balls infused with his exploding chakra.
The three Kisames (the real one and two water clones) sitting at the desks doing homework ignored him.
"You know how I had to do a f- detention with that pink b-?" Hidan asked. "Well, she has these f- awesome feather pen things that write in your blood!"
The real Kisame turned. "Whoa…You know how sealing techniques need ink with blood?"
"Never got into that sealing s-," Hidan said as he flopped onto his bed.
"Well, sealers need ink with blood," Kisame said. "I wonder how pure blood works? You should show Sasori-"
"F- sure," Hidan said. "It's too early to go to bed, and the constellation of Jashin-sama isn't showing yet, so I can head down-"
"Tomorrow," Kisame finished. "Red-headed Leader, sir, is ticked at you for drawing attention to yourself. You don't wanna be caught out after curfew again."
"F- fine. But I'm praying in f- here tonight," Hidan grumbled.
"If you do, do it on the roof, un," Deidara said. "Civilians around here are really social. They barge in like the own the place, un."
"Your senses are so f- dull that they catch you by surprise?" Hidan snorted.
"No, un!" Deidara snapped heatedly. "It's just, while Kisame and I can sweep all ninja stuff under the bed easily, we can't really sweep you and all your ritual stuff away."
Hidan grumbled, but agreed. Later that night, while he lay under the stars on the roof praying to Jashin, he didn't notice when a certain cat slipped up on the roof, smelling his blood.
Filch may or may not be slightly disturbed when Mrs. Norris somehow confers to him what she saw. So now Hidan's got the Inquisitorial Squad on his tail. The sensible ones of Akatsuki aren't going to be happy about this. And I know that there isn't much action with the other Akatsuki members. Sorry to all Zetsu fans- he hasn't had much time in this fic. Neither has Tobi. I'll find a way to show them and all other Akatsuki members that I've been neglecting more.
As always, feel free to leave me an idea. I'll credit you. Or just leave me your feelings on my story.
Until next time.