And here we are, after a month of waiting.
Just a note- someone mentioned to me that if I wanted to relate an S-ranked word, that I should just say it. I see their point. However, I say in response that I did not rate this story M for strong language for a reason. My dear friend Hidan uses a lot of strong language, and I comply with fanfiction's rating policy, but since I feel that aside from Hidan's mouth, there isn't much else that qualifies this story for T or M (yet), I'll stick with censoring Hidan.
But enough of that. Now, Umbridge reveals the mischief that has been brewing, and more!
The Gryffindor Akatsuki came down to the Great Hall. They saw the Weasley twins, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Lee all waiting for them. One of the twins gestured for them to sit with them.
"What do you think Umbridge is going to say about this?" George asked.
"Man, she's gonna be bloody pissed!" Ron exclaimed.
"We'd better not end up taking the blame for this," Hermione said, worried. "What if she somehow finds out?"
Kisame looked up from his stack of pancakes. "Leader, Nagato, and Konan are supposed to have alibis for us all," he said. "We should be good."
"Should is the key word," Hermione remarked.
"It's going to be fine, Hermione," Fred said.
"We do this all the time," George said.
"What percent of the time do you get away clean?" Hermione retorted.
"Er…we don't really keep track of that," Fred said.
"Hem hem." Umbridge's trademark cough silenced the Great Hall. The Gryffindor pranksters looked up at her.
"Man, I thought she couldn't get uglier…" Lee said.
"But she looks even worse when she's angry, un!" Deidara yelped softly.
"I am very disappointed to inform you all that there has been a horrible act of delinquency here in this school," the toad-like professor announced. "Last night, someone broke into my office and vandalized it. It has been recolored a most repugnant color, and my personal belongings have been transfigured most horribly. If anyone has any idea regarding who could have performed this grievous act of rebellion, they have a duty to report to me as soon as possible." A Slytherin girl immediately stood. "Miss Parkinson, do you know something?" Umbridge asked.
"Yes, I think I may," the girl said. "I saw a first-year student, the one with blue skin, outside your office yesterday evening."
Umbridge's eyes gained a frightening spark. "Mr. Hoshigaki, what do you have to say for yourself?" she asked, looking directly at Kisame.
"I just needed help with the chapter," Kisame defended himself. "A group of students told me that you leave your office early on Fridays, so I left. I didn't do anything, I swear!"
"Is that so, Mr. Hoshigaki?" Umbridge asked, smiling in a sickening manner.
Professor McGonagall spoke. "Really now, Dolores, you can't expect him to know how to transfigure much. It's just past October; my first year classes can't do much more than transfigure a snail into a tea cup. Was the level of transfiguration that mars your room so basic?"
Umbridge bristled, but shook her head. "No, it was not." Kisame breathed out a sigh of relief. "Very well, then. If anyone else knows anything, they should inform me immediately."
"We're gonna get away clean. We're gonna get away clean!" Fred whispered excitedly as the Great Hall returned to its usual chatter.
"You f- didn't think we'd pull off this s-?" Hidan asked. "You have no Jashin-damned faith in our skills."
"What's a Jashin?" asked the ever-curious Hermione.
"What? You heathens don't f- know who Jashin is?" Hidan looked appalled.
"You just set yourself up for a nightmare, un," Deidara said, shaking his head.
Hidan looked seriously at Hermione (as seriously as an eleven-year-old with pink eyes and silver hair can) and said slowly, "Jashin is the god that all you f- heathens ought to be bowing and sacrificing to. If you do not, you will all f- be damned to hell for eternity."
"So Jashin is your religion," Hermione said.
"No. Jashin is my f- god, and Jashinism is my f- religion. Get it right, b-." Offended, Hermione silenced him with a flick of her wand.
"So, my friends," George said, leaning in to Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, Lee, Deidara, Kisame, and Hidan, "we have performed successfully. Now we must come up with an encore that's just as good."
"Of course, we'll have to wait for a while for all of this to die down," said Fred. "I'd say we should give it until at least after Christmas break."
"Makes sense," said Lee. "That way those of us who go home can bring supplies."
"What's Christmas, un?" asked Deidara.
Six pairs of eyes turned to look at him. "You don't know what Christmas is?" Harry finally asked.
"Gee, and I thought that you were a deprived child," Ron said to Harry.
"Christmas one of the major holidays of the year," Hermione said, going into teacher mode. "It started as a religious holiday for Christianity. It celebrated the coming of the Christian God into human form."
"Why would he do that, un?" Deidara asked. "I mean, he's a god, right, un?"
"According to the religion, he did it so that he might save humanity from sin," Hermione said. Hidan gestured violently, obviously wanting a part in the conversation. Hermione was about to un-silence him, but Kisame shook his head.
"He'll only babble on about how Jashinism is better that this Christianity stuff," he said. "You don't wanna hear it."
"Ah," Hermione said. "Anyway, Christmas has broadened to become a general holiday even for those who are not particularly religious. It involves giving gifts to one another, holiday cheer, and goodwill to all."
"Sounds interesting, un," Deidara said. "When is it?"
"December," Harry said.
"Which is when?" Kisame asked.
"Not soon enough," Ron said with a groan.
Hermione stood. "It's time to go to class."
"Great, we've got Divination first," Ron said. "Think Trelawney will notice if we sleep?"
"I dunno," Harry said. "Isn't Umbridge making her rounds soon?"
"We'd better go," Kisame said, grabbing Hidan. "See you later- do you want us to relay a message to the rest of the group about a meeting regarding post-winter?"
"That'd be great," Fred said.
"We'll see you in the library at four," George said.
l l l
Dolores Umbridge was not a happy woman. Her office had been vandalized, three of her Inquisitorial Squad had been disgraced, and Filch and Mrs. Norris had made no progress not only with that attacker of her room, but also with the explosion in the girls' bathroom. She had managed to get everything back under control, but her cats couldn't tell her who had morphed them. Frustrated, she was about to make herself a cup of calming herbal tea, when there was a knock on her door.
"Come in," she said as she poured a spoonful of sugar into her cup.
Filch opened the door. "Professor, I come with a fruitless search. Mrs. Norris can't smell anything but dust in the bathroom, nor can she pick up anything in here."
Umbridge sighed. "If you don't have any good news, please don't tell me anything at all. I need good news, and if you don't have any, you can go."
"Yes, ma'am," Filch said. "I'll go interrogate Myrtle now."
"Well, why didn't you do that before?" Umbridge asked, annoyed. "Maybe then you'd be able to come to me bearing good news."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," Filch said. "Come on, Mrs. Norris."
Umbridge frowned as she stirred her tea. "Really, is this the best that Hogwarts can offer? I really must do something about this." Her mind flashed to the little silver-haired demon that had made off with one of her blood quills. "Yes," she murmured as she daintily sipped her tea. "I really must do something about that."
After classes, Draco Malfoy paced in the Slytherin common room. After he, Crabbe, and Goyle had suffered for things that they had not done, he had vowed that he would get his revenge.
"Anything!" he snapped at Crabbe and Goyle. "Give me anything."
"What are we talking about again?" Crabbe asked. "I know it's got to do with getting even, but-"
"Boggart," Goyle said.
"Boggart?" Malfoy asked. "Hm…I like it. I'll get that little Ravenclaw brat and expose his biggest fear to the whole school! It's just a matter of how…"
"Is there a way to get a bunch of them and let them loose in the Great Hall?" Goyle asked. "We can figure out a way to get the little nuisance and his friends."
"Yes, group consequence…" Malfoy said. "I like it. And all of their greatest fears get exposed to everyone!"
"An idea worthy of Slytherin," Pansy Parkinson said. "I don't believe that you did those things, Draco. I'd be more than happy to assist you in your endeavor."
Malfoy nodded. "I don't care how you do it, and you're probably better off not telling me. Just, all of you, get your hands on some boggarts, and we can make that little brat and his friends sorry!"
l l l
Energy was high in the Great Hall one morning later that next week. Rumor upon rumor upon rumor had spread about the vandalism of Umbridge's office. Chattering of the latest rumor and possible suspects bubbled amongst the students. The owls swooped in, bringing the mail. Eager recipients of letters and care packages from parents tore open boxes and envelopes.
At the Ravenclaw table, Sasori idly poked his food.
"Bored?" Kakuzu asked his comrade from Suna.
"I suppose," Sasori said. "The concept of eating food has been foreign to me for years. It's odd now to suddenly need it to survive."
Kakuzu snorted. "Tell me about it. I've been searching for a way to renew my hearts. It's strangely discomforting to have only one beating. However, the killing I'm making off these idiot civilians is somewhat consoling."
"Of course," Sasori said as he took a bite of scrambled eggs.
An owl swooped down and dropped a package in front of the red-haired ninja. Kakuzu cocked an eyebrow. "Expecting anything?" he asked.
"No," Sasori said. "And I don't have any contact with anyone who might be interested in mailing me something."
"Hmph," Kakuzu said.
"Do you think it's worth opening?" Sasori asked as he poked the box with his knife.
Kakuzu shrugged. "If it's money, it would be. Anything else, trash."
Sasori snorted. "If you don't know what it is, expect a trap," he said. "I wonder what these civilians consider a trap."
"Who knows?" Kakuzu asked.
At the Hufflepuff table, someone screamed.
"WAAAH! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY! DON'T LET IT GET TOBI!"
"What the-" Sasori and Kakuzu turned to see the clown of Akatsuki leap up and bolt away from some big, black, writhing mass of darkness.
"What the heck is that?!" Sasori asked aloud.
At the Gryffindor table, there were shouts of confusion. Sasori turned. He blinked when he saw an old, haggard, but distinctly Deidara-looking figure standing on the table.
"Look at you," it said in the language of the Ninja countries. "Look at what you will become, un. Art is not a bang, brilliant and gone. Look at what will happen to you, un!"
Sasori ran over to his partner. Deidara was staring up at the figure, shocked and shaking. Then his eyes narrowed. "Screw you, un!" he yelled. "You're not me! I'm not a disgrace to art like you are."
"I am you, un!" the ancient-looking man exclaimed.
"No, you're not, un!" Deidara said. "I know that because I won't become like you. I'll go out in my prime, when I'm a brilliant beacon, young and strong. I'll go out with a bang, and I'll take you and all my enemies with me. But you, you're a failure. You have no right to even claim to be me!" He leapt up to attack the figure.
"Easy," Sasori said, putting a hand on his partner's shoulder. "That idiot doesn't even deserve to be called art under my assessment. He's not worth it." As Deidara stepped down, the haggard figure set eyes on Sasori. There was a pop, and suddenly it turned into broken hunks of wood. "What the-" The ninja puppeteer gingerly poked chunks of junk. "What is this? A puppet?" He picked a piece up, and stared in shock. The symbol for scorpion, his symbol, was painted on it. "How did this get here?" He pushed aside some more of the wood, and came upon a cylinder. "Impossible," he breathed. He picked it up, and immediately located his symbol.
Kisame came over. "Sorry it took so long. Hidan's coming when he finishes praying- what's that?"
Sasori and Deidara turned. "It was an old me, and now it looks like broken puppets of Sasori's."
"Lemme look," Kisame said. He pushed the two smaller ninjas aside, and took a good look at the wood pieces.
There was a pop, and suddenly a full-grown Itachi, decked out in full Akatsuki garb, appeared.
"Traitor," he spat, his Sharingan swirling. "You claim that loyalty is your greatest trait, but you know as well as I that in the end, all that will matter to you is loyalty to yourself, and to your sorry life."
There was a pop, and Itachi turned into Leader, not the seemingly split Leader with orange hair and blue eyes, or the one with red hair and ringed eyes, but the imposing piercing-decked, ringed eyed, orange haired, self-proclaimed god of Amegakure. "Scum, you do not deserve to wear the Akatsuki robes," he said, disgusted. "You truly are a filthy, dishonorable, and traitorous beast. You abandon your trusted partner for these two, who already had assigned partners, and you take part in fickle, meaningless child's play. How can you call yourself one of the acclaimed Seven Swordsmen, or the tailed beast without a tail?"
Kisame had been silently fuming. "Easy," the angry ninja said. "I've never done any of that, and I never will. You're just a figment of my imagination, a fear that I'll squash and make sure never comes to pass." And in one quick motion, Kisame snatched a knife from the table and slashed Leader's throat. There was a pop, and Leader vanished.
"You look shaken up," Sasori commented.
"No kidding," Kisame muttered.
"You fear becoming a traitor?" he asked.
Kisame shrugged. "It's not gonna happen. I pride myself on my loyalty. In a way, I'm surprised that I'm in the House known for bravery."
Sasori nodded. "I see. I'm going to do research on that thing later."
"Good f- morning, b-!" Hidan said, cracking his neck as he walked over. An owl dropped a package down in front of him. "Sweet! I've finally got some s-!"
"Don't open it, un!" Deidara yelled.
Hidan completely disregarded him and ripped open the package. There was a pop, and a large, blood-red circle with triangle appeared, spinning slowly. "What the f-?" Hidan asked.
"Hidan, you have failed me," a booming voice said in the language of the Ninja nations. "You do not love me. You do not serve me faithfully."
Hidan yelped. "Jashin-sama! I live to serve you! What have I done to displease you, Jashin-sama?"
Deidara leaned over to Sasori. "Is that thing supposed to be Jashin, un?"
"This gets weirder by the second. What's it supposed to be?" Kisame asked.
"First it was an old Deidara, then it was my broken puppets, then it was Itachi and Leader telling you off for being disloyal, and now it's turned into Jashin telling Hidan off," Sasori said, the gears in his head turning. "It seems to be feeding off our fears."
"You're afraid of your puppets being broken, un?" Deidara asked.
"I suppose," Sasori said, an image of his dead, broken heart in his hand flashing in his mind. "You could say that."
"And mine is not going out with the magnificent bang that I want to, un," Deidara said.
"So it plays off our fears," Kisame said. "How do we beat it?"
"Well, you killed it," Sasori said.
"Killed what?" Hermione asked, having come to investigate the giant, floating symbol of Jashin.
"The fear thing," Sasori said. He glanced over at the Hufflepuff table to see Itachi catch Tobi, and the black mass of scariness that had been chasing the one-eyed ninja turned with a pop into a strange hybrid of Orochimaru and an Uchiha.
"Fear thing?" Hermione asked, staring at the symbol of Jashin.
"Look," Sasori said, pointing at the Orochimaru hybrid. Itachi had shoved Tobi aside and moved for a weapon.
"Oh gosh, what is he doing?" Hermione asked.
"He's got it under control," Kisame said, watching his partner grab a knife from the table.
"What I don't understand is why no one's doing anything," Hermione said. "Itachi! Imagine something funny about it and use the spell Riddikulus!"
Itachi spared her a glance before attacking the Orochimaru hybrid with the knife.
"Oh s-," Kisame muttered. "I forgot that he gets sensitive about this subject."
"What?" Hermione asked. "Would someone please tell me what's going on?"
l l l
Itachi gripped his makeshift kunai, eyes narrowed. He knew better than to use his Sharingan in the presence of so many, and he was reluctant to even engage this thing, but the appearance of Orochimaru possessing his brother had shocked him. The thing of Tobi's must have read his mind, for no creature from this land should have known what this deep concern of his was.
"Is Itachi ok?" Tobi asked, hiding behind Itachi.
"Yes. Go find one of our civilian friends," Itachi ordered. "I'll hold him."
"Itachi! Do you like my new look?" the thing asked. "I rather like the Sharingan. It complements me, hm?"
Itachi scowled. "You are not real, and you will never be. I will see to that," he said.
"Oh, you knew that Sasuke would eventually seek me out. You knew that he would want some way to gain power to defeat you! This is all your fault you know. And now, let me show you how strong I've gotten. Though in that diminutive form, I doubt that you'll be much of a threat." And then he attacked.
Itachi hissed as his eleven-year-old form held his table knife strong against Orochimaru-Sasuke's kunai. He was sent skidding backward before he broke the deadlock and leaped away.
"Scared, Itachi-kun?" Orochimaru-Sasuke asked mockingly, his Sharingan spinning wildly.
Itachi chewed his lip anxiously, glancing around the room. Kakuzu was shouting at some rich-looking person, and Hidan was prostrating himself on the floor in front of a giant Jashin symbol. Konan, Leader, and Leader were investigating an apparently dead hybrid of the three of them, and Zetsu was nowhere to be seen. Sasori, Deidara, and Kisame seemed to be just standing there. What had Hermione shouted to him? He hadn't clearly heard her voice, as Orochimaru-Sasuke had been talking to him in his native language. If his confused, bilingual brain was correct, it had been something about a spell…
Orochimaru-Sasuke began forming hand seals for the trademark Uchiha technique, the Great Fireball. Raising his wand, Itachi performed the one water spell he knew. "Augumenti!" he cried. Water spewed from his wand as a fireball exploded from Orochimaru-Sasuke's mouth. The thin spurt of water was not enough, and Itachi prepared to body-flicker away. Before he was able to, however, a swirl of blackness sucked him in, and he appeared next to Tobi, who had run over to Leader, Leader, and Konan.
"Do you have any idea why everyone seems to be in a dumb stupor?" Itachi asked. "An illusion?"
"I already tried the basic releases, but they seem not to notice…" Konan trailed off. "It must be some kind of spell. Or maybe they're just engrossed in the fight."
"Watch out!" Nagato shoved his friends behind him as he caught a new bout of flames from Orochimaru-Sasuke and absorbed them.
"What technique was that?" Yahiko asked.
"The Preta path," Nagato said. "Rinnegan ability. I'm pretty sure you've seen it before."
"Well, my memory's been bum lately," Yahiko said apologetically.
"WAAH! Big scary thing is back! Tobi is scared!" Tobi whimpered as the strange hybrid corpse became the black ball of scariness that had been chasing him before.
Konan raised her wand. "I read about these once," she said. "It's a beast that can turn into a person's greatest fear."
Yahiko placed a hand on Itachi's shoulder. "Don't worry," he said. "We won't let Orochimaru get you or whatever family you have left. Wait…it's your brother, isn't it?" Itachi was still. Yahiko didn't seem bothered. "Don't sweat it, comrade. We'll keep Orochimaru from getting his slimy hands on him. Though why you'd care is curious. I thought you killed your family. Or were you framed?"
"You may be prying into personal business," Konan said as she wracked her brain for the spell to combat the peculiar fear-beast.
Upon seeing Nagato, Orochimaru-Sasuke dropped dead in Konan's form. Nagato blinked, and it turned into a dead Yahiko. Yahiko looked over Nagato's shoulder, and it turned into a dead Nagato. After a moment of the boggart swapping dead forms, Yahiko said, "I think it's broken."
"Good," Nagato said. "Then you won't mind if I do this." And his stabbed his own dead form in the heart with a table knife. It vanished.
"I'm not quite sure how to combat this thing," Konan said, eyeing Tobi's black mass of scariness.
"Let it get a good look at you," Yahiko suggested. Konan did, and immediately it turned into a rather gory, dead version of Yahiko. The color drained from her face, but Yahiko squeezed her shoulder. "I'm here," he said.
Konan blinked and nodded. "I know," she said as she stabbed the dead form with a fork in the throat. It vanished.
Another Hufflepuff leaned over to them. "Did you just kill a boggart?" he asked.
"I did," Konan said. "I couldn't remember the spell."
"It's Riddikulus," said the boy.
"And you didn't tell us that while we were dealing with it why?" Nagato asked.
The boy looked rather ashamed of himself. "I didn't want people to know what I was scared of," he said sheepishly.
"Seriously?" Yahiko complained. "Some loyal Hufflepuff you are! Did the whole Great Hall have a case of that?"
No one answered.
l l l
That evening, on top of one of the Quidditch pitch observation stands, the Akatsuki met for their daily debriefing.
"So, apparently this place is full of cowards," Yahiko said sourly. "My respect for them and their wand-waving has gone down significantly."
"Granted, the mind is a sanctuary that ought not be violated," Konan said. "I am certain that most of us would not want their greatest fears announced to the entire civilian body here."
"Ok, I can buy that," Yahiko said. "But still. Even the teachers didn't seem to notice."
"McGonagall got rid of the symbol of Jashin," Kisame said.
"Ok, fine, so not everyone was inactive," Yahiko said. "I'm still disappointed, though. Hey. Wait. Where's the Zombie Combo?"
"Hidan's praying in the forest to Jashin for forgiveness for his failures, and Kakuzu's swindling people to make sure that his money reserves are up and strong," Zetsu said as he appeared. "Leader-sama, I discovered where those boggarts came from."
"Where?" asked Yahiko.
"Draco Malfoy, the fifth year Slytherin, and his friends. It's hard to imagine that little prick having friends."
"Seriously?" asked Yahiko. "What's this kid's deal?"
"Who knows?" asked Sasori. "He's probably mad about last week with him and his goons getting in trouble over the drunken incident."
"He's a troublesome little fellow, I'll give him that," Yahiko said. "We'll figure out a way to deal with him. Zetsu, I want intel on that little stinker."
"Yes, Leader-sama," Zetsu said as he melted into the roof.
"When you guys next see Hidan and Kakuzu, tell them that a boggart is not reason to miss a meeting," Nagato told the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw ninjas.
"Will do," said Kisame.
"So, here are your orders for this meeting," said Yahiko. "One. Lay low. After today, people will ask about the giant Jashin symbol and about Orochimaru. Two. Keep an eye out for Malfoy and his goons. Three. …Uh, I guess there is no three. Wait, there is. We've gotta get back to the crazy twins about their offer for another prank. Oh, and we've got to ask them for more details about this Christmas thing they were talking about."
"Is that all?" Konan asked.
"Yep!" Yahiko said. "Dismissed!"
Credit for the boggart idea goes to a guest.
I'm definitely doing Christmas. At the rate I'm going, it'll probably be the next chapter I post. Oh, the possibilities! Leave a review and give me suggestions for where to go from here!
Until next time ;)