And I'm alive...yep, I really am.
I was debating whether to break this up, but I figured since I took so long to get the chapter up, I might as well keep it together. Also, I looked at a timeline on hp-lexicon (yes, I do my research), and it turns out that Patronuses were taught on the night that Umbridge crashed the D.A., which goes against what I have written previously. I'm just going to blame that on the butterfly effect from the Akatsuki barging their way into the world of Harry Potter. My apologies! From now on, I'll be looking more frequently at that timeline, for certain.
"Buddy, y' gotta trust me on this," said Yahiko as he walked with the rest of the Ame Trio to the Hufflepuff dorms.
"I trust you," Nagato said, "it's the girl I don't trust."
"She hardly seems the suspicious type," said Konan. "That dreamy presence of hers is no façade. I have eyes everywhere."
"But she might blab," said Nagato. "That's what I'm worried about. Why couldn't we have made Sasori put a seal on her mouth so that she can't say anything about us?"
"Uh…because I didn't think of it?" Yahiko grinned sheepishly.
"You look like our old teacher," said Konan.
"I probably do, don't I," Yahiko said with a sigh. "Well, buddy, if it makes you feel better, I bet Konan would be willing to keep a butterfly monitoring her at all times, or something."
"It's fine," Nagato said with a sigh. "We need to focus our energy on hunting down Zetsu anyway."
"I looked at a map of this world, and I have to say, this is a very big world," said Konan. "All of the lands of our world would fit comfortably inside of the region these people call China."
"Great," said Yahiko. "I'll bet the little bugger did his research, too."
"But let's think rationally," Konan continued. "He knows that he doesn't know this land well at all. He'll stick with what he knows the most of, namely, the region that we're in, which is called the United Kingdom. We're actually on an island nation not much bigger than that country between the Land of Sound and the country with the Village Hidden in Waterfalls whose name I forget. This narrows down our search space significantly."
"You're not kidding," Nagato commented as he pictured an estimation of the map in his head. "So, how are we conducting our search?"
"We'll have to do it during summer break, unfortunately," said Konan. "That's still a few months off. However, we'll do best if we have our adult bodies."
"And how will we do that?" asked Yahiko.
"Fortunately for you, I'm rather good a Potions, despite that Professor's best efforts," Konan said. "I can make an aging potion. Getting ingredients will be no trouble with Kakuzu on our side."
"Is it permanent?" asked Nagato.
"I can find out," said Konan. "Why? Would you prefer so or not?"
"While this place has nice resources, fighting Zetsu would be best done as adults with full chakra reserves," said Nagato.
"Yeah! And it'll give us the advantage of size over little Zetsu!" Yahiko exclaimed.
"We'll have to find a way to get weapons," Nagato said. "I'm good at Transfiguration, if I do say so myself, so I could make some."
"So, to war with Zetsu, then?" asked Yahiko.
"To war," Konan and Nagato echoed.
"You know, this kinda sucks, being a peace organization but having to fight," Yahiko said as they reached the entrance to the Hufflepuff dorms.
"It really does," the other two agreed as they departed.
l l l
The next day was the beginning of the weekend, so the Akatsuki met early. Konan was pleased to see that Kisame had joined them, which must have meant that he had made up his mind. She watched the Akatsuki, scanning each member's face as she always did. The rest of the group shifted awkwardly as they waited for Yahiko to officially begin the meeting. But before Yahiko even moved to say anything, Kisame stepped forward.
"I have decided to stick with Akatsuki until we get back home," he said. "Tactically, it's to my advantage, since Zetsu kind of just disappeared. More importantly, though, Itachi got me thinking, and as usual, of course, he's right. An illusion is called an illusion because it's fake, and the more that I think about it, the more I realize that living in a fake world is just about as far from the world of truth which I had envisioned."
"Glad to have you, Kisame," Yahiko said. "Well, since that's all taken care of, we have several things to deal with. That Luna girl said she'd work on the civilians, so we can focus on getting ourselves into the Ministry, as well as on an aging potion. Kakuzu, we're gonna need you to get us a bunch of ingredients, once Konan figures out how much of what she needs."
"Fine," Kakuzu grumbled.
"So, where's the f- government headquarters?" asked Hidan.
"Well, this society functions somewhat like our own, so it would make sense that these people would put their headquarters in the most populous, or most important city in the nation," said Sasori. "I believe that's London."
"And where's that, un?" asked Deidara.
"According to the map, it's all the way down here," said Sasori.
"Dang, that's a haul," Kisame said. "Running top speed in these bodies, it'd take us an entire day to get there."
"That's where the aging potion comes in," said Konan. "I'll brew it, and we'll head down when it's done."
"We'll leave this f- s-hole in the dust for good?" Hidan asked hopefully.
"Yes," said Nagato. "Once we're back to our proper ages, we'll leave here and focus on returning home with all the new techniques we've learned."
"It's about time, un!" Deidara cheered. "I'm fed up with being stuck in this stupid school. I'm a grown man, un!"
"With the temperament of an adolescent boy, and that's being generous," Sasori remarked.
"My boyish charms too much for you, un?" Deidara asked. Sasori did not dignify his partner's comment with a response.
"Ok, that's enough, you two," said Yahiko. "Now, before we get to the capital, we need to go to that Alley place and get brooms to take home."
"Please tell me we're not going to sink to the level of normal ninjas and actually buy them like honest people," Kakuzu groaned.
"We'll steal them," promised Nagato. "But that means we have to find the Alley again in the first place."
"Basically, we've gotta divvy up the tasks," said Yahiko. "Konan's on potion duty. Kakuzu, you answer to her and get her what she needs. You know the drill. Make it untraceable."
Kakuzu grinned wickedly. "It's what I do best," he said.
"Good," said Nagato. "Itachi and Tobi are to research the Ministry of Magic, and what it may have to offer us." The addressed duo nodded. "Sasori, you and I will research the Alley more thoroughly. We're going to take what we need from that place when we go to acquire the brooms. I imagine that anything which Kakuzu for one reason or another cannot get his hands on, we will be able to take from there."
"The way you speak implies that we will go before we age," said Sasori.
"Correct," said Nagato. "I seem to recall the entrance to the Alley being in London, so we'll have to travel a bit over a weekend and leave clones here to function as ourselves. Kisame, we may need muscle, so you'll come with us."
"Fine by me," said Kisame.
"Ok," said Yahiko, "Deidara, you're to stock up on clay. While we're gonna try to be discreet, we may come across desperate circumstances, especially if the wizards prove to have decent security systems."
"Got it, un," said Deidara.
"And Hidan, you and I will make sure the civilians don't bother the rest of the group," said Yahiko. "Some of it's gonna be on Luna, but you've got a history with Umbridge, and you'll provide excellent distractions, should we ever need one."
"Finally! Some f- fun!" Hidan cackled.
l l l
Luna, though considered eccentric by many, was a woman of her word. So she hunted down Hermione and told her that from what she could tell, there was nothing remarkable about the young ones except some of their hair and eye colors.
"Are you certain?" Hermione pressed. "There are a lot of things that you don't consider remarkable that most people would."
"I'm certain," Luna insisted. Hermione left her alone after that.
Luna's next task was to find a way to get the not-so-little children to the Ministry of Magic. As usual, she went to visit the Thestral herds, and counted far more than ten (after all, many carriages were required to bring returning students to Hogwarts). Satisfied, she decided to see how many of them had seen death before figuring out the most inconspicuous way to free the beasts so that they could carry their passengers to the Ministry of Magic.
"Have you ever seen death before?" Luna asked Kisame one day out of the blue.
"I sure have, little lady," the blue boy said. "Why do you ask?"
"I'm going to arrange for you to take Thestrals to London once you figure out the logistics of everything," said Luna. "In order to see Thestrals, one must have seen death, and it would probably be easier if you could see your mode of transport, yes?"
"Are you going to go around asking everyone if they've seen death?" Kisame asked with a sigh.
"Yes," said Luna.
"I'm gonna make your life easier," said Kisame. "We've all seen it. You don't have to worry."
"Thank you," said Luna. "I assume the leading three will be able to give me an exact date of departure?"
"Yes," said Kisame. "One of us will find you and give you the information you need."
"Ok," said Luna.
The next day, she came across Konan in the advanced potions section of the library. "Hello," she said conversationally. "Did you find what you need?"
Konan looked her over once before saying, "An extra pair of hands would be nice. I'm looking for the instructions for a permanent aging potion. Does such a thing exist?"
"I'm sure," Luna said. "Though it may be in the restricted section of the library."
"What would I need to get in there?" asked Konan.
"A note from a teacher," said Luna.
"Do you know which teacher would be most likely to give me one?" asked Konan.
"Mm, maybe Professor Trelawney?" suggested Luna. "Though I'm not sure if even she would give a pass for a first year."
"If I can't find it here, I'm know there's another place I can look," Konan said.
"Ah. The Room is very useful," Luna said, nodding as she skimmed the table of contents of a particularly heavy upper-level potions book.
"I should probably stop wasting my time here and get what I need now," Konan said with a sigh.
"Most of the ingredients are not going to be common," Luna remarked.
"I know," Konan said. "As you have found, we are not all that we seem, and we have our ways."
Luna nodded. "Would you like me to accompany you?"
"If you have nothing better to do," Konan said as she put back her book and headed for the library door.
"I've already spoken with Hermione, and she now knows that she'll be getting no information from me," said Luna. "Say, are you coming to the next D.A. meeting?"
"If time permits," said Konan. "Keep your voice down, though. Isn't Umbridge out to get most clubs these days?"
"Ah, you're probably right," said Luna. After walking past the entrance to the Room of Requirement several times, the door appeared, and Konan opened it. The wonderful smell of antique books filled Luna's nose as she entered with her blue-haired companion.
"Now, it would be lovely if this place had some organization scheme," Konan muttered. "I wonder, would a summoning spell work in here?"
Luna drew her wand. "Accio aging potion instructions!" she called. Nothing happened. "I suppose it's because I don't know exactly what I'm looking for," she said.
"Accio advanced potions books," called Konan. Nothing happened. "I guess we'll have to do this the long way," she said. "I'm calling help. You start."
Luna wandered down the aisles and aisles of books. She made a note to herself to come back so that she could see if there were any ancient texts on the creatures that the rest of the Wizarding World knew so little about. From where she was, she could hear Konan speaking to herself for some reason.
"Does there seem to be any organization at all?" Konan asked.
Luna looked around. "I haven't looked long enough," she said. Ten minutes later, she still hadn't found a pattern to the books. "Have you found anything?" she asked Konan.
"No," said Konan from somewhere in the aisles. "Hm…perhaps we're just looking at this all wrong?"
The door opened. "Hello in there? It's Kisame and Kakuzu."
"I'm here," Konan called. "We need more hands."
"Got it," said Kisame's disembodied voice. "Shadow Clone Technique!" Luna heard a poofing sound, and Kisame barked out, "Go search for potion books with aging potions in them." Then she heard Kakuzu do the same thing, and many feet head into the giant aisles of books.
Luna looked up at the ceiling, wondering about a pattern which could make everything easier. Maybe we are looking at this wrong, she thought. Perhaps a change of perspective would make this simpler…perhaps another vantage point? Glancing around, Luna looked for a ladder or something similar which would allow her to stand on top of one of the huge bookcases. Seeing nothing, she took out her wand and called, "Accio ladder." Thirty seconds later, a ladder flew to her. Leaning it against the shelves, she began to climb.
Standing on top of the enormous bookshelves, Luna surveyed the contents of the room. The shelves were arranged in rows, and they seemed to stretch on forever. It was quite magnificent, and was certainly a room which her House founder, Rowena Ravenclaw, would have treasured. Stepping carefully, Luna looked around the vast room for some sort of hint regarding the room.
"I refuse to believe that these damn shelves have no organization whatsoever!" Luna heard Kakuzu snap from one area of the room.
"Well, if it isn't, someone did a pretty good job of making it look so," Kisame replied from another part.
"This is getting ridiculous," Konan agreed. "Luna, have you found anything?"
"The rows stretch on as far as I can see," said Luna. "I don't see any sort of recognizable pattern from up here."
"I get the feeling that we're just gonna need a whole lot of time, and a whole bunch of shadow clones," Kisame groaned.
l l l
Yahiko and Hidan were having a lot more fun than most of the group. This was mostly because Yahiko had given Hidan permission to work with the Weasley twins to give Professor Umbridge the worst teaching experience in the history of teaching experiences.
"You're not f- pulling any sort of s- with me, are you?" Hidan asked his leader when Yahiko had told him of his decision.
"No," said Yahiko. "I really mean it. "We're not planning on ever coming back here once we get our stuff together, so give that woman hell.
After Hidan did a happy dance, he ran off to track down the Weasley twins. The two grinning redheads were surprised when the foul-mouthed first year barged into their room and demanded to be a part of their latest prank.
"We've mostly been developing items for our up-and-coming joke shop," Fred told Hidan.
"However, we wouldn't mind contributing to the end of Umbridge's teaching career," George said.
"Ever since she banned us from Quidditch, we've been out to get her," Fred agreed.
"This'll involve some careful planning, of course," George warned.
"See, we can't just go rushing into things without preparing the perfect revenge," Fred said with a nod.
"The getting-in-trouble factor doesn't really bother us anymore," George remarked.
"Are you two f- done talking yet?" Hidan asked impatiently.
"Ah, a man of action!" George cheered.
"A true Gryffindor," Fred applauded.
"What-the-f- -ever," Hidan said. "I just f- want to know what s- I can do to make that b- so f- miserable that she'll beg Lord Jashin to end her wretched life."
"Oh-ho-ho, going for the suicidal touch?" George asked.
"We can help with the misery business, that's for certain," Fred said.
"Say, we'll talk to you at the D.A. tonight, how does that sound?" George asked.
"Fine," Hidan said.
Later that night, while the rest of the D.A. practiced their Patronuses, the Akatsuki went about their own business. Luna approached Konan, Kisame, and Kakuzu, the first of which was pouring over a large, musty-smelling book. "You found it?" she asked Konan.
"Many hands make light work," Konan said simply.
Hidan had made his way over to Fred and George, and the three of them discussed ways to make Umbridge's life miserable. Deidara was fixing chakra into his clay, Itachi was going over notes that he had taken on the Ministry of Magic with Nagato, Kisame was wrestling around with Yahiko, and all seemed to be going well. Then Dobby burst in, shouting warnings that the group had been betrayed, and that Professor Umbridge was coming. Harry ordered everyone to run.
"You heard him," Nagato yelled to the Akatsuki. "Go, by any means necessary!"
Konan disappeared into the chaos as a flurry of papers. Tobi, the master of escaping, grabbed Itachi and Nagato and disappeared. The rest slipped away with stealth that no wizard could.
l l l
The next day, the news of Dumbledore's dramatic exit had reached the ears of every student. The Easter holidays were soon upon them, and once again, despite Ginny's insistence, the Akatsuki decided to stay at Hogwarts. After all, there was serious work to be done. Kakuzu, by means of which the rest of the Akatsuki never asked, had gotten Konan everything she needed for her most likely illegal brew, whose instructions she, Kisame, Kakuzu, and more than a few shadow clones had spent the better part of a Saturday finding. The lady of Akatsuki needed time to work, undisturbed by trivial things such as meeting the family of students they only knew as acquaintances. Also, Nagato, Sasori, and Kisame were planning to take the week to travel to Diagon Alley, and it would just make life easier if they knew where exactly in the magical United Kingdom their home base was, and while they could locate Hogwarts on a map, the so-called "Burrow" was not clearly labelled. So, they (meaning the ones who were diplomatically skilled) politely declined, and set off to work on their individual tasks.
It was Sunday, and all the students who had planned to leave the school for the Easter holidays had cleared out. Nagato, Sasori, and Kisame had headed out early, and had left shadow clones behind. Tobi followed Itachi around, glad to be out of class. Tests were no fun, and some teachers were already starting to whisper about final exams! The mid-year exams had been bad enough; Tobi did not want to take more, especially not Professor Umbridge's or Professor Binns' or Professor Snape's or…well, pretty much no ones. He just wasn't a good test-taker; he was the master of escaping for a reason.
"What's on your mind, Tobi?" Itachi asked as he closed his book. Even though Leader had given Itachi and Tobi the duty to research the Ministry of Magic, Tobi knew that he was no good at learning from books, and that he had only been placed with Itachi in order to keep him out of trouble.
"Tobi is sad, cousin Itachi," Tobi said. "Tobi is not good in this world. Tobi does not do well with books."
"It's alright," Itachi said. "Books aren't everything."
"But cousin Itachi has to do all the work!" Tobi said sadly.
"It's fine," Itachi said. "I can teach you whatever you need to know with words. It appears that the secret entry is through toilets, and that there are many departments which would be of no use to us."
"Toilets?" Tobi asked.
"Apparently they're magical portals," said Itachi.
Tobi, with his ever-wandering mind, changed the subject. "Is cousin Itachi well now? Tobi knows that he was sick before."
"I'm nearly well, yes," said Itachi. "I go in for my last appointment with Madam Pomfrey today. In fact, I should probably leave now. Let's go." He put away his book and led Tobi to the hospital wing.
"Ah, Itachi," Madam Pomfrey greeted him, "Each time I see you, you look better and better."
"It is thanks to you," Itachi said with a polite nod. "Do you mind if Tobi stays?"
"If it's alright with you," said Madam Pomfrey. Itachi nodded, lying down on a cot, and Tobi plopped down in the seat next to him, and watched entranced as the medic witch waved her wand over Itachi, murmuring magic spells.
"Alright, now I want you to take it easy as you have been, and you'll come back in two weeks to make sure everything is as it should be, understood?" Madam Pomfrey asked.
"Yes, ma'am," Itachi said, sitting up.
"Tobi thinks that was so cool!" Tobi cooed.
"Well, if Tobi wants to become a medical wizard when he grows up, he'd better study hard," Madam Pomfrey said, humoring his way of talking.
"Tobi will, but Tobi is not good at books," Tobi said.
"I'll help you," Itachi said. "Come on."
The two headed next to the Room of Requirement, where Konan was making preparations for the potion.
As they walked in, Konan was lecturing the members of Akatsuki present. "Let me tell you that if I catch any one of you coming within a three-meter radius of this cauldron, there will be hell to pay, understood? And that includes flying projectiles! I will have wards and traps and all sorts of things guarding, so you have been warned."
"Did we miss something?" Itachi asked.
"I was just going over the rules," Konan said sweetly. "Do you need me to repeat them?"
"Of course not," Itachi said.
"F- goody two-shoes," Hidan grumbled.
"Where's Kakuzu?" Itachi asked, ignoring Hidan.
"He's off collecting ingredients," said Yahiko. "Gee, I hope Nagato and those guys don't run into any trouble. Diagon Alley's all the way in London!"
"Kisame took Samehada with him, Sasori's got his puppets, and Nagato has eyes with power that I have yet to witness," said Itachi. "They'll be fine."
"I'm the leader," moaned Yahiko, wringing his hands. "It's my job to worry."
"Blah, blah, blah," Hidan said, rolling on his back while holding his Jashin amulet over his head. "The only s- you ever do any-f- -more is worry. S- was a lot more fun when we were f- criminals."
"For once I agree with you, un," Deidara said as he pressed chakra into the clay he'd amassed. "I'm bored, and danna's not here to annoy."
"So go ruin Umbridge's day or something," Yahiko said. "I don't know! Itachi, what's in the Ministry of Magic?"
"There are seven departments in the Ministry, but the two I think we should investigate are the Department of Magical Transport and the Department of Mysteries," said Itachi. "Transport is for obvious reasons – they may have information on portals to other dimensions; Mysteries because it deals with the unknown and may have hold some technique or item which would give us enough strength to force our way back to our home."
"Tobi seconds everything Itachi says," Tobi said, nodding.
"Very good," Yahiko said. "Konan, how long until the aging potion is ready?"
"At least a month," Konan said.
"Why so long, un?" Deidara whined.
"It's a permanent aging potion made for ten, especially proportioned so that we each return to the age we desire to be," said Konan.
"You mean old man Kakuzu won't have to go back to being a f- geezer?" Hidan asked.
"Exactly," Konan said. "We have been fortunate enough to have our bodies restore themselves to how we were at age eleven. All we have to do is take the potion in the correct amount, and we can go to being any age we want."
"Konan, have I ever told you how awesome you are?" Yahiko asked.
"You can tell me again," Konan said.
"Tobi says Lady Konan is awesome!" Tobi said cheerily. "Tobi wants to know how old he should make himself, because Tobi likes being young."
"Well," Yahiko said slowly, "If Tobi stays as an eleven-year-old, he would definitely lose some physical fighting advantages due to stature. However, he could become an invaluable resource for reconnaissance, since he'd draw little attention with his child's body and can escape at a moment's notice. Itachi, you think you could control him?"
"I would do my best, sir," Itachi said.
"Well, I dunno know about you, but my old age was fine, un," Deidara said. "Nineteen is the best, un!"
"Yeah, turning to a prime form wouldn't be such a bad idea," Yahiko said. "A nice eighteen or so should do. That way I've got a long career left ahead of me, but I'm pretty much full grown."
"I don't need any potion," Sasori said. "By the time we depart, I intend to have a puppet ready in which to transfer myself."
"You know what? All this planning is driving me f- bats- crazy," Hidan said. "I'm going to sacrifice forest beasts and s- to Jashin and wreak some havoc. See ya, f-ers."
"I'm gonna go pull a prank on Umbridge, un," Deidara said. "And danna's not here to stop me! Yeah!"
With the two Gryffindors gone, Yahiko turned to Konan and Itachi (Tobi had decided to go running around the walls for no apparent reason). "You know, guys, this really isn't such a bad deal."
"It almost feels like a calm before a storm," Konan said with a nod.
"And there you go being a pessimist, which is totally not like you," Yahiko said with a sigh.
"When Nagato's not here, somebody has to," Konan said with a shrug.
I apologize for the patch-like quality of this chapter. It was written over a long period of time, as I'm sure you all noticed. Hence the title of this chapter. So many different things happened that I had to keep rereading the chapter every time I was motivated to start writing again!
So, I was writing part of this while on vacation at the beach, and at the house we were staying in, a family of foxes lived under the porch, and all I could do was think "Kawaii kitsune!" in poor Japanese grammar and try not to die of a cuteness attack because of the three little ones.
On a less cute note, I must sincerely apologize to you all. It's really been a while, and it's mostly because of my growing lack of interest in Naruto. Don't get me wrong, I still love Akatsuki and stuff, but I just don't have any inspiration! It's partly my own fault, really, because I steered this story into too much actual plot and away from the silliness that this was supposed to be, but also, I've been distracted by my own original stuff, and, worse, have gotten into the Hetalia fandom, which I've been drawing a lot for, etc., etc. I don't really know how else to say this, but I seem to have moved into a new phase of manga and anime, one which so far has stuck with me wherever I go. I mean, seriously, I can't do my AP Euro summer work or read the newspaper without getting little Hetalia images in my head. It's a sickness, I swear.
Well, hopefully the next update will come sooner for you all. I'm terribly sorry!
Until next time!