200+ reviews?! Never in my wildest dreams did I think that what started as crazy stuff would turn into this, let alone that it would get so much love! Thank you all so very much! I will do my best to make you happy with my writing.
So now onto a fun chapter to celebrate!
Edit: Thank you, 10th Squad 3rd Seat for error spotting!
Deidara crept along the hallways with the stealth of a ninja – literally. During the Great Umbridge Prank, he'd only been a part of the side action. Now he was bored, and he wanted to do something direct. This desire was completely justified, of course. He'd dealt with enough of Umbridge's stupid theory classes to know that a) theory was dumb, b) theory was only theory, c) theory was useless without actually doing applications and stuff, d) he hated Umbridge, e) he hated Umbridge's voice, f) he hated Umbridge's face, and g) did he mention that he really hated Umbridge?
Anyway, now that he had his mounds of clay, he slipped into the Gryffindor boys' dorms. Seeking out the Weasley twins' room, he snuck in. "I really hope they've got itching powder," he muttered as he searched their room. "Dang, they've got wizard traps! Um…what did Sasori tell me? Finite incantatum, un! Shoot! I mean, finite incantatum!" After a few small explosions, some quick dodging, and a few shield charms, Deidara managed to pry open one of the Weasley twins' storage chests. "Huh, itching powder, itching powder, damn! Gotta do the other chest too, un?
After a successful breaking and entering and an unsuccessful stealing, Deidara went to see if Kakuzu was back. To his dismay, he was.
"What do you want?" Kakuzu snapped as he headed back from the Room of Requirement.
"I want itching powder, un!" Deidara said.
"What've you got for payment?" Kakuzu asked.
"Pain for Umbridge, un," Deidara said.
"That's half off," said Kakuzu. "You owe me."
"Grrrr…fine, un," Deidara grumbled as followed the miser. "Whatever."
"Don't 'whatever' the supplier, boy," Kakuzu growled. Once they reached the Ravenclaw's room, Kakuzu tossed a small bag at Deidara. "That enough?"
Deidara weighed it in his hand. "Eh, it'll do, un," he said. "How much do I owe you?"
"I'll tell you when we're out of here," Kakuzu said.
"You'll just add interest on it, you stupid banker, un!" Deidara complained.
"You want a deal, you pay the price," Kakuzu said. "Take it or leave it."
"Bleh!" Deidara stuck out his tongues at Kakuzu before leaving.
"Mature," Kakuzu said over his shoulder.
l l l
Deidara sat in his room with the Kisame shadow clone, who was doing homework. "Hey, un, will you do mine, un?"
"Hm…" Kisame-clone looked at him. Then he sighed. "I'll do half."
"Geez, what's with people and giving me half deals today, un?" Deidara complained as he shoved some papers at Kisame-clone.
"Well, Hidan's guaranteed to ask me to do his too," Kisame-clone said.
"Hidan can kiss my butt, un," Deidara snorted.
"Wouldn't you like that," Kisame-clone remarked.
"Are you implying something, un?" Deidara asked.
"Don't know what you're talking about," Kisame-clone said.
"Yes you do, un!" Deidara exclaimed as he plopped down at his desk.
"Hey, what are you doing?" Kisame-clone asked, changing the subject.
"I'm going to make Umbridge's life hell for a bit," Deidara said.
"Tell me," Kisame-clone demanded.
"Only if you do all my homework," Deidara said.
"Fine," Kisame said. "Speak."
"I'm making bugs with itching powder, un," Deidara explained. "I'm gonna put deposits of powder into the middle and send them after her. They'll be too small for her to see, but potent enough to explode and break her skin so that itching powder can go in, un. I'll also make some that sting her and squirt the stuff into her bloodstream. Dunno what that'll do, un. I hope she has a terrible allergic reaction!"
Kisame-clone grinned. "That's definitely worth all your homework," he said with a laugh. "But how are you gonna make them small enough?"
"I'll make them big and then shrink them with my wand, un," said Deidara. "This wizard stuff actually comes in handy after all, un."
"I'll say," said Kisame-clone.
The door banged open, and Hidan stomped in, covered in blood. "Well, that was some good s-, motherf-," he declared. "I had some f- fun, Lord Jashin was f- appeased, and all's f- dandy."
"Dei, tell him about your plan," Kisame-clone said.
"Who said you could call me 'Dei,' un?" Deidara asked crossly as he sculpted the bugs. But he explained anyway.
Hidan grinned broadly. "That b- has had s- f- coming," he said happily. "Hey, I'm gonna leave her a couple of f- gifts from Jashin."
"Make sure she can't connect it to you," Kisame-clone warned.
"You worry too much, un," Deidara said lazily.
"And you don't worry enough," Kisame-clone said with a sigh.
"But it gets back at Umbridge for being stupid and breaking into the D.A., un," Deidara said.
"I'm going back out to collect some f- s-," Hidan announced as he picked up his scythe. "How do acromantula legs sound?" Without waiting for an answer, he bounded off again for the Forbidden Forest.
l l l
It was Wednesday, and Professor Dolores Umbridge was relaxing in her personal rooms, smirking as she read the Daily Prophet. It had been a lovely week so far, with no silly, annoying children to bother her, and no Dumbledore to make life difficult for the Ministry. Suddenly she felt a flash of pain in the back of her neck, like a mosquito had bitten her. She slapped at it, and was disappointed when her hand came up clean. She continued reading the Prophet.
This continued for the rest of the day, and she was itching like crazy. No spell she cast drove them away. Annoyed, she went to see Professor Snape.
"To what do I owe the pleasure, Professor?" Professor Snape asked icily.
"I want a bug repellent," Professor Umbridge said.
"Surely you know the charm," Professor Snape said.
"I do, and I did it, but it didn't work," Professor Umbridge told him.
"I'll see what I can do," Professor Snape said.
"When can I expect it?" Professor Umbridge asked.
"See me at the end of the day," Professor Snape said.
Thanking him, Professor Umbridge headed to see Madame Pomfrey for some itch-relieving cream. Then she went back to her room. As High Inquisitor, she had quite a few letters to read, and she decided that she might as well get started. After applying the itch-relieving cream, she sat down to read.
After reading a rather pathetic letter from Hagrid about a strange beast or disease killing off the acromantula population of the Forbidden Forest, Professor Umbridge was still itching and slapping at bugs. Bothered, she picked up her things and went to read in the teacher's lounge. Somehow, the mosquitos followed her. Turning to Professor McGonagall, she asked, "Are you having the same trouble I am?"
"I beg your pardon?" Professor McGonagall asked.
"Mosquitos," Professor Umbridge said. "They seem to be infesting this place."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Professor McGonagall said stonily.
"I'll have to speak to Filch about it," said Professor Umbridge as she rose to leave, slapping at another biting bother.
By the end of the day, Professor Umbridge was ready to banish everything around her, if only to get rid of the infestation of bugs. "Perhaps I should try a flea-removal spell," she muttered to herself as she went to Professor Snape's office.
Upon entering, Professor Snape pushed a vial over to her. "Bug-repellent," he said.
"No small talk?" Professor Umbridge asked.
"What is there to talk about?" Professor Snape asked. "I'm in the middle of grading exams and preparing my finals."
"The students," Professor Umbridge said as took the vial.
"My services are not free," Professor Snape remarked.
"How much?" asked Professor Umbridge.
"Three galleons," said Professor Snape.
"Done," said Professor Umbridge as she put down the money. Returning to her room, Professor Umbridge rubbed the contents of the vial on skin and went to sleep.
The next day, Professor Umbridge woke to the lovely sight and feeling of still-twitching acromantula legs wrapped around her. She let out a rather high-pitched shriek before accidental magic sent them flying. It was then that she realized that she still itched, and it was a more serious itch than the day before. Frustrated, she took her wand and vanished the acromantula legs. Then she took her bath things and prepared for herself a hot bubble bath. However, when she sat down in the tub, she was stung. Yelping, she grabbed her wand and summoned the thing from the bottom of the tub. It was a drowned hornet, which in a post-mortem rage, had managed to stick her as she sat.
"Peeves!" Professor Umbridge stalked down the halls after her bath, gripping her wand. "Peeves, get out here!"
The aforementioned poltergeist appeared. "Yes, your toadiness?" he asked.
"I demand that you stop the tricks immediately!" Umbridge shouted.
"What tricks?" asked Peeves.
"The acromantula legs, the mosquitos, and the hornet," Umbridge listed for him.
"So sorry, your wartiness, but I'll take the credit. Whoever's doing this is brilliant, hehehe! I'll have to thank them personally."
"You mean this wasn't you?" Umbridge asked.
"But of course not! I can't go into the Forbidden Forest. I'm stuck here haunting this stupid castle," Peeves said, pouting.
"So someone's been breaking the rules and going into the Forest, hm? It must be a student, then," she muttered.
"I have to say, your blotchiness, you're not looking too good," Peeves remarked. "You're looking worse than usual."
"I'm probably having a reaction to the mosquitos," Umbridge grumbled as she scratched under her armpit.
"Well, I'm gonna have to personally thank whoever did this," Peeves said, grinning. "Whoever it is, they definitely did Hogwarts a favor, hehehe!" He disappeared, and Professor Umbridge was left itching and fuming.
Returning to her room, she found an entire mutilated acromantula body, minus the legs, lying on her bed. She called for Filch, and then stormed off, scratching herself as she went to see Madam Pomfrey.
"I think I'm having an allergic reaction to my mosquito bites," she declared as she sat down on a hospital bed.
"Mosquitos already?" Madam Pomfrey asked. "It's April in Scotland, dear. Is that what you wanted the itch-relieving ointment for? Here, let me see. Maybe you have fleas."
"I didn't bring any of my cats here," Umbridge said.
"Well, maybe it's bed bugs," Madam Pomfrey said. "Can I see one of the bites?"
"Here." Professor Umbridge rolled up her sleeves. "I don't know how, but they managed to get under my clothes."
Madam Pomfrey took out her wand to investigate. It only took her a few minutes to diagnose. "You've been had, Professor. It's itching powder. Somehow, I believe, you managed to get it in your system."
"In? But how?" Umbridge asked.
"I don't know," said Madam Pomfrey. "It wasn't ingested; it seems like it was injected. Have you poked yourself recently?"
"I was stung by a dead hornet this morning," Professor Umbridge said.
"Well, it seems that someone is playing a nasty trick on you," Madam Pomfrey said as she rummaged around in her cupboard. "Have you talked to Peeves at all?"
"He says he's had nothing to do with it," Professor Umbridge said.
Madam Pomfrey handed her a small jar of cream. "This is meant for itching powder relief," she said. "I hope for your sake that you catch the culprit soon. Itching powder was not meant to float in the blood stream."
l l l
Hanging onto the walls with chakra, Hidan and Deidara waited for Umbridge to return.
"You got the Jashin-damned scroll yet?" Hidan demanded. "The b- is coming!"
"I'm working on it, un!" Deidara said. "This is danna's stuff. I'm no good at sealing, un."
They heard the door open and close. "Hurry up, you little s-!" Hidan hissed. "B- 's not gonna have her f- back turned forever."
"Got it, un!" Deidara whispered back. Nicking his finger on a kunai, he rubbed a drop of blood on the paper and quickly held it up to the window. There was a poof of smoke, and suddenly Umbridge's room was filled with a rather large, irate acromantula.
"I f- love those beasts!" Hidan guffawed as he and Deidara slipped away from the scene of the crime. "They're so worthy of being sacrifices to Lord Jashin!"
"Heh, I'm just proud of my use of itching powder, un," Deidara said, laughing as well. "Totally worth whatever I've gotta pay Kakuzu."
"You made a f- deal with the f- miser? You're f- sunk in so much s-, blondie," Hidan said.
"Whatever, un," Deidara said. "You hear those screams?"
The two paused. "F- yeah," Hidan said.
"So worth it, un!" And the two ninjas bounded away across the roof of Hogwarts in a clean getaway.
How do I come up with this stuff? I don't even know. I think it's partly because I'm procrastinating doing summer work. Yeah, that's good motivation to write.
Well, until next time!