ii.
Chapter 41: I fall, I falter
This chapter has been Beta-ed by: Wistfuldaydream
"Now you speak of day old hate, though your whole world has gone up in flames. And isn't it great to find your really worth nothing, and how safe it is to feel safe. So drown me if you can; or we could just have conversation. And I fall, I fall, I falter; but I'll find you before I drift away." -City and Colour
AN: Sasuke's perspective has been purposefully written to be somewhat confusing, as this is basically the state he exists in right now.
His clothing was uncomfortable, or perhaps it was his skin.
Long, pale fingers absently dug little furrows in the loamy soil in front of him.
He traced little shapes; faces, symbols, in a fidgety sort of gesture he hadn't made since he was very young.
There was dirt under his nails.
Sasuke inhaled sharply through his nose and lifted his face from the ground to look up into the dark canopy above him. There were stars glittering between branches; unchanged and constant, appearing just as they always had for millennia.
The leaves made a soft sound in the wind, a sort of quiet hush that reminded him of mothers and-
He shook his head and ran a dirt stained hand through unruly hair. He made a gruff sound absently, something to fill his ears that wasn't the never ending silence of the night and his jumbled thoughts about nothing.
There was a very good reason the youngest Uchiha had spent years trying to suppress his childhood memories. Some things were too painful to contemplate.
Had he been anymore like that girl, he might have promised himself the time to look at them later, to contemplate his life and the joy he once had. The promises of a bright future and a loving family.
"But I'm not." He reminded himself aloud, and the sound of it almost startled him. It was something he had been working through feverishly for a while now. He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but untangling his thoughts and feelings and trying to figure out which were his and which were hers was not a task that came easily.
Time was such a precious commodity at this point in his life; he had so much more he needed to improve on, so many things he needed to learn so he could- (his thoughts stuttered and cut off, halting in place in a jarring, uncomfortable feeling that was happening too often when he tried to reach an emotion that conflicted with her's.)
His hands twitched forward in front of him before he caught it and forced them back into his lap. He exhaled, desperately grasping for some shred of patience so he didn't lose it and set this entire forest on fire.
Damn her; damn that girl and everything she felt straight to hell. (But maybe not really, such a soft thing with patience he didn't understand but wanted and flighty little thoughts like a bird's wings. Full of such grand love-)
"Hn." He commented to himself. There were too many layers; that was the trouble. There was too many layers to her, and too many layers to him.
And all of it revolved around his brother.
Sasuke, as he had always been, focused on the differences between them. Looking for the cracks and the flaws. His life was about death and the end of things. Even his. From the very beginning, born into a shinobi home and taught to hold a kunai before he could hold pen. And then his family… and everything he had was nothing at all. Sasuke, the boy with a life full of ashes and nothing worth sticking around for. Save maybe the boy (bright, golden hair and a presence like a supernova) he might have once called friend.
(But was that really so different? Was her life also not about an end? So much lost, so much that could be lost-) What? (and she burned, white hot and bright with love for all things just because she knew it would end.)
And therein lay the trouble. Sasuke couldn't really grasp this, didn't really understand what it meant to react with anything other than anger and hatred because that's what he had programed himself to feel.
Because that was the only thing he could feel. (That was a lie.)
"Stop it!" He hissed vehemently, coming to his feet and feeding his desire to move before he realized that's what he even needed.
His shoes left prints in the dirt he had previously been upending.
The muscles in his body contracted, flowed and relaxed with each movement like a well oiled machine. He could almost feel her weight on his back; a ghost of a sensation that was almost comforting, like his other half had come home-
"No."
He forced himself to sit back down.
He forced his hands to lie still in his lap. (And it was easier than it had ever been, the calm ready and waiting for him, a calm that was not his. He grasped at it greedily.)
His thoughts turned slowly, coming back around to the elder Uchiha as they always did.
(And if they would have to die, perhaps he too, could be allowed to-)
Sasuke blinked, startled at the new sensation, the new provided understanding.
Maybe he could compromise with the girl inside him then.
Perhaps there was a way to satisfy both the self that was Sasuke and the self that was Nanami.
Maybe he would be okay if he could never really untangle them if he could only have what both of him wanted.
It was, after all, all about the end of things.
A shifting to his left brought his attention around, and his fingers itched into his kunai pouch to rest on cold hard metal loops, they lifted easily into his ready hands.
A pale figure emerged from the thick copse of trees he had managed to wedge himself behind. Lithe and graceful. Unearthly, inhuman. The familiar sensation of distaste rose in his throat, stronger than it had ever been.
"Sasuke-kun." And didn't he sound just a little bit too pleased. "Your eyes are clearer than the last time I saw you." The Sennin commented, his head tilting to the side like a curious beast, long dark hair with jagged ends sweeping forward over a white clad shoulder.
Sasuke watched its movements without really knowing why.
Orochimaru's statement was not untrue, as Sasuke knew he had come at least twice before. Both times he had left when prompted, but Sasuke knew well that the man would only wait so long for him to come back to the underground hovel he called a laboratory.
All of Sasuke knew that the only true escape from the Sannin would be the end of one of them, and he had far too much left undone for it to be his.
And he rose to his feet, a slow, graceful movement. His mind was calm; calmer than it had ever been. His mind in agreement and plans that had never occurred to him before settling easily into place.
It would have to be enough.
"Orochimaru." His voice was ragged.
Golden eyes surveyed his movement with guarded curiosity.
Above them, a bird took flight.
Ino wrenched herself from the creature's mind and sat up gasping out a jumble of words in a rush that clearly made no sense if the looks on her teammates faces were anything to go by.
Shikamaru passed her the waterbottle, eyes keen and sharp as he searched her face. Choji helped her sit, and she moved to comply just a tad too quickly. Her mind was a mixture of adrenalin and fear.
They were entirely too close to that particular missing-nin for her liking.
"Anything?" Asuma-sensei quired from where he crouched near their piled bags. Packed and ready to move at a moment's notice.
"Orochimaru." She choked out before taking a gulp of the offered water. She rose to her feet with the others, grim faces peering back at her with the dreaded news.
"We should move farther out." Shikamaru prompted. Ino's range could only go so far, and they had needed to trail slightly too close behind the Uchiha to keep within her range.
The appearance of Orochimaru had always been a variable, but it was one they had all hoped wouldn't come to fruition.
"Sasuke-kun didn't look very pleased to see him." Ino informed them as they all set into well practiced motion. They turned as a group eastward and took to the higher tree branches, footsteps muted with chakra.
"How was his state of mind this time?" Shikamaru prompted her for the usual report as he pushed off a branch on her left.
Ino brushed a long strand of blond hair away from her face. "About the same. He's still talking to himself, mostly nonsensical things. Sometimes he seems calm and composed and in the next moment he's frantic about something and pacing."
Asuma fidgeted with the pack of cigarettes at his side, but let his hand drop a moment later. He couldn't risk leaving a trail. The smell was much too strong, and that would be enough for any shinobi worth their salt.
"I think he's deteriorating, but it's hard to say without a real medical examination." She continued. "Although, there at the end before Orochimaru had shown up he seemed to come to some internal conclusion. Which I think is what he's been fighting for. Whatever that girl did to him she did a number on his psyche."
This had been the subject of more than one conversation over the course of the last few days. Tailing Sasuke had made it abundantly clear that their debrief on the child the Akatsuki had been keeping around had more than one hole in it.
Shikamaru in particular had been vexed over the lack of information.
"What kind of bloodline limit could do that?" Choki asked not for the first time. "Other than yours." He amended with a side long glance at Ino.
She shook her head in response. It was a well worn question, one none of them had the answer to.
Ino caught her Nara teammate throwing their sensei another questioning glance, and she followed his line of sight to the older man as he vaulted forward in front of them. They all suspected he knew more than them, but whatever it was he wasn't talking.
And once again despite Choji's question their sensei didn't look at them. He paid little mind to this particular conversation every time it came up and never bothered to offer any input. That alone was enough to speculate.
Whatever it was the girl could do, it had to be highly classified.
The trio halted suddenly as an explosion of chakra shredded through the trees, snapping weaker branches and swaying larger ones. Chakra poured into Ino's feet as she compensated for the movement of her perch and the displacement of air around her.
As one they turned faces to look into the din behind them, and up- and up a great snake rose into the sky high above the canopy.
"Fuck." Asuma noted, just as Choji added a squeaked, "That can't be good."
"This was only supposed to be an information gathering mission!" Ino breathed as the great snake reared back as if hit by some invisible force.
"Move out!" Asuma barked, and all four swung back into motion, moving with swift feet and pooled chakra to make it farther away from the radius of the battle none of them wanted anything to do with.
Nanami paced.
Back and forth, foot steps silent in the dark against the hardwood floor.
It stirred in her, this feeling of unrest; worse than it had been in some time. Urgent and pleading for attention it curled dread in her belly. (Go, move)
So she moved, fingers twisting about in her shirt, plucking at threads and eyes searching the pitch black for nothing as her body moved her around couches and tables with muscle memory.
Something was wrong. Something was off. Nanami stopped for a moment, squinting her eyes in an attempt to put a finger on the sensation.
It was like adrenalin coursing through her limbs, running high and feverish like the heat of battle.
But why? Why did she feel this way?
The only members of her Red Clouds she had not seen in awhile were Hummingbird, Zetsu, and Echo-sama; and even then her sense of intuition alone had never felt like this.
No, Nanami was sure the only time she had felt such strong emotions that did not feel quite right was when they hadn't been hers at all but-
Her lips parted in a silent gasp of realization.
"Oh, shit." The whisper was still too loud in the silence.
Bitter Wings.
It had to be. She had no other explanation. Was Sasuke in trouble? Nanami had known she wouldn't be able to sever their connection completely, but she had done her best to rid him of her emotions and thoughts so that he might recover from her meddling on his own.
It seemed however, to the best that she could tell, that his high running emotions (Fear, panic, urgency, anger, hatred) were permeating what shreds of it that remained.
She let out a soft breath and collected her thoughts. Letting whatever situation Bitter Wings had gotten himself into control how she felt would do neither of them any favors.
Regardless of her own composure, Nanami found herself taking silent and decisive steps towards Raven Eyes' and Oceans' room.
"Asuma!" A call sounded from their right and Team Ten turned their attention towards it as a small pug came leaping across branches towards them. The dog's tongue lolled from the side of its mouth as it came to a stop in front of their team leader, panting heavily from a long run.
The symbol on its jacket proclaimed it as one of Kakashi's, although he didn't know it's name.
"Team Seven is about sixty-eight klicks south of here, they've been tracking Orochimaru from a distance. Kakashi was informed you might be in the area if Sasuke showed up and he wanted me to inform you of his teams whereabouts if that happened."
Another great gust of wind followed by a high pitch shriek filled the air when the giant snake tipped and fell to earth with all the weight it had to offer.
Ino clung to the branch beneath her as Choji's hand landed on her shoulder in a reflexive motion to keep her from also tipping forward to the ground far below them.
"Understood." Asuma acknowledged the dog summons as soon as the wind died down enough to be heard.
"We'll come around and group." He continued, and Shikamaru nodded at the strategic choice.
"I'll guide you then." The pug offered, turning back to look at them over a furry shoulder.
Itachi sat up the moment he heard the rustle of her cloak, and the sight of her had his mouth turning down in a hard line. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood just as his partner flicked on the table side lamp.
"Nanami." Itachi questioned without really asking.
She didn't stop what she was doing, but she did glance up at him. A look of determination made her eyes hard, but he could see the unease behind it.
She had pulled one of the smaller black cloaks around her shoulders, and she was finishing up tieing a fresh bandage around the arch of her foot.
She looked like she was leaving. The look on her face said she was leaving for a dangerous situation.
And for a moment Itachi was stunned; because this had never happened before. Nanami had never displayed any kind of autonomous behavior that suggested she had desires outside of following their group.
"Raven Eyes," She addressed him, and the tone of her voice only confirmed what his eyes were telling him.
"Whats going on?" Kisame moved from his bed as well, and the small hint of unease on Nanami's features seemed to double as they both stood before her. Her eyes flicked over to Oceans' but quickly returned to his.
"You are going out." Itachi murmured when she chewed her words for a fraction too long.
She nodded demurely, and something inside him he had not felt (or at least acknowledged that he felt) in some time rose to the forefront.
Protectiveness.
"Why?" Kisame sounded just as perplexed as Itachi felt by this sudden turn at- he glanced over at the clock to be sure.
2:47 am.
All of Akatsuki had some part in creating the little girl who stood before him, shoulders stiff and back straight. Loyal was all she had ever been, devoted, obsessed.
Never before had she made a decision that didn't involved one of them for as long as he had known this child. But here she was tonight, awake and ready to leave with little to no explanation. He supposed it was only a matter of time for something like this to happen.
Nanami couldn't be a child forever, she had hardly been a child from the day he and Kisame had pulled her from the roots and dirt. She had come a long way from then; and he knew, as much as he didn't like it- that this moment was a turning point for her personality.
She couldn't wait around on them forever, because they wouldn't be around forever. There would come a day when Akatsuki was only a point in history; such was the nature of the lives they led.
Nanami needed to be able to move on without them someday.
His chest tightened with something that he knew had nothing to do with his illness.
It was silent for a long couple of seconds, and then Kisame broke it.
"Hurry up and get back here. I don't feel like explaining to everyone else where you are when I don't even know."
And Itachi was grateful his partner at least had that to say, because words seemed to have escaped him for the moment.
Neither of them would stop her, but he couldn't deny the worry that settled over his shoulders.
He allowed himself a small sigh of frustration.
"Thank you." And she looked just as relieved as she looked guilty, but Itachi knew as well as Kisame did that Nanami would never do anything to jeopardize them. Some personal mission, and he was no stranger to those.
"I'll be home soon." She promised like a child might do for her parents.
Itachi decided not to think too hard on that stray thought.
They followed her downstairs, and her little hand brushed the back of his in a purposeful motion as she slipped out the front door.
The way it clicked felt ominous.
Kisame and Itachi had another two minutes and one silent questioning glance at each other before several pairs of footsteps heralded down the stairs.
Nanami had no idea what she was doing. She had no backup, no partner, little field experience to speak of, and a half-baked plan.
But there was no way she was going to feel his panic and just sit by and do nothing.
She wouldn't involved her Red Clouds, she didn't think they'd want to help anyways, (except maybe Loud Blood who was always game for some blood shed, and Raven Eyes- but he had a very hands-off approach to dealing with his brother) but Nanami had never asked them for anything and she wasn't about to start now.
On top of that, she'd never forgive herself if one of them got hurt because of it. No, this was her choice, and she would deal with this situation on her own. She promised herself through the guilt that she would explain everything after she got home, and that hopefully Raven Eyes would forgive her for meddling so horribly in his brother's life. (Again.)
She chewed her lower lip to shreds even as her feet and hands glided smoothly over stones and through bramble in an exhilarating and familiar hunt. Her chakra brushed along creatures and trees and all sorts of life as her spinning thoughts tried to cope with the stress and guilt of leaving her Red Clouds behind in a fit of selfishness- and trying to figure out what was going on with Bitter Wings at the same time.
She hoped it wasn't Orochimaru (And may the Gods have mercy on her soul if it was, because it was far too soon for that battle.)
She hoped Beating Hearts wouldn't be disappointed with her.
She processed the odds of running into any Konoha-nin. (And these odds weren't in her favor either.)
She hoped Burning Earth wouldn't be angry. She hoped Loud Blood wouldn't come after her- she hoped, she hoped, she hoped.
Nanami ran faster, hands and feet and bloodlust in a fervor like the monster she knew she was. She tracked the sensation of foreign but familiar chakra like a scent hound, fingers flexing and eyes keen.
No matter how fast she went, she never could seem to leave her thoughts behind.
AN: So, I'm sure y'all can all tell this is headed towards the battle between Sasuke and Orochimaru. (Sortof)
Now, I'm gunna be 100% upfront with all y'all right now: I have never seen that arc, so I have no idea how it happens in canon. So please don't expect it to follow anything canon-like.
On top of the fact that I haven't watched that arc, obviously Nanami wasn't there in canon either, PLUS in the IEAD timeline, this battle is taking place months ahead of when it should and Sasuke isn't as prepared as he was in canon, nor is he in the right state of mind to be taking on the Sannin alone.
So I plan on having some fun with that.
Thank you for reading, please review and let me know what you think!
Omake
Tobi watched the girl fumble with the unfamiliar weapon, and he couldn't help but scoff at her lack of finesse with it. For all the time that she had spent in the company of S-class killers one would think she would be more proficient with a weapon. But as he had gleaned from his watch over this travesty of a tutoring session, her focus until now had been mostly on taijutsu. Tobi could at least say her skill in that area was acceptable, as he had experienced it first hand himself. Her close range combat in combination with her kekkei genkai was nothing short of lethal.
Getting in close quarters with her during a fight was not a mistake he would be repeating anytime soon.
Hidan laughed disproportionately loud at her mistake, and a light dusting of pink spread across her cheeks. Tobi watched as Kakuzu stepped in between the two, taking her smaller hands in his and adjusting her grip on the hilts, so the blades would follow along her forearms properly.
He stepped away, and she repeated the motion that Hidan had been attempting to get her to copy only to have the weapon fling from her hand and fly off into the trees.
"Maybe we should try something else." Kisame laughed from his position in the shade beneath a tree. Itachi said nothing, and appeared to be disinterested in the goings-on as he flipped another page in his book.
Nanami huffed, flexing her now empty fist and giving it a mistrustful look.
"How about a throwing weapon?" Tobi offered with a smile in his voice from his crouched position on a high branch above them.
Hidan threw a nasty scowl at him with grumbled words he didn't care to catch.
"It's not a bad idea." Itachi voiced without looking up from his book. "It would give her some additional range." Kisame mused as he stood to dig through the pile of sealing scrolls that held various tools and weapons.
He tossed a newer looking one to Kakuzu who snatch it from the air with a quick movement as Kisame sat back down in a heap.
Hidan cackled madly with what Tobi assumed was pleasure at the sight of Kisame's choice when Kakuzu unsealed it.
Nanami gave the thing a trepidatious look as it was passed into her hands.
Tobi though, thought it was an excellent choice for her skill set.
He supposed the real test would be seeing whether or not she would be capable of learning to wield it.
After watching her test her hand at it for several hours under the watchful eye of the group of mass murderers, Tobi wondered if Pein would be changing his mind on her position within Akatsuki in the future.
The girl was skilled, and only further driven by her desire to please the adults around her. With her kekkei genkai on top of her natural flexibility, speed, and tutelage, he knew she would be a force in her own right.
He thought for a moment that it was a good thing she hadn't been born in Konoha. Her abilities would have gone to waste, and she probably would have turned out to be a very different person.
"You'll have to practice more, but I think it should work for you." Kakuzu noted as she wound the chain in loops.
"It's a good pick." Hidan cackled, no doubt associating its shape with his own weapon of choice.
"Don't rely on it too heavily in a fight, your abilities are first and foremost close range, and if you think you won't get out of a close range battle your best option would probably be to flee." Kisame noted. THe girl nodded diligently, taking on the advice with her full attention as she seemed to do with everything the members of Akatsuki told her.
She really was a strange girl. Tobi wasn't sure if he'd ever pin her motivations down, everything about her made little sense to him.
Perhaps they were just too different; but that wasn't an answer he was willing to accept just yet.