CHAPTER NINE
"-And I said, my Lord, I had forgot the fart."
Snow White, Lady Morgana and Queen Elizabeth the Second laughed politely. Peridot, who had now heard the same story from Queen Elizabeth the First three times now, tuned out the conversation and looked around the room with interest. It was a fascinating glimpse into her boyfriend's mind, she realized. To him, a castle was a medieval fantasy construct, not the sort of place people lived in nowadays, and so the furnishings were all old-fashioned, and the band played on harps and flutes instead of electric guitars and keyboards. But his music knowledge was a lot more modern, which meant the lead vocals were being sung by none other than Beyonce. As for the guests, they had all been ripped from Steven's rather spotty knowledge of royalty, which mostly meant Disney princesses, the cast of Merlin, a few of the more famous Kings and Queens of England, and Prince, who didn't seem to quite know if he was there to sing or mingle.
Across the room, Steven caught her eye and smiled. He turned back to The Beast and said something to him before crossing the room to join her. "Hey, having fun?"
"I am now," she said, allowing herself to be drawn into his embrace. "Although Queen Elizabeth has told her fart story three times now," she said, looking up at him with mild annoyance.
"Oh, the one about the guy who farted and was so embarrassed he left-" Steven began.
"Yes, that one, I don't need to hear it a fourth time," she said sternly.
"Sorry." He laughed sheepishly. "I read it on the internet ages ago, I don't even know if it's true. I really know much else about her though. If it makes you feel any better, I know even less about King George. He literally just said 'blah blah blah' to me."
"Then why is he here?" she asked, taking another look around the room. "How do you even know all these old kings and queens anyway?"
"Honestly? From Horrible Histories songs," he admitted. "I saw one on TubeTube and it was pretty funny, so I watched a bunch of other ones."
At that moment, the band struck up a new tune, and Steven looked hopefully down at her. "Wanna dance?"
"I'd love to," she replied, and allowed him to lead her onto the dance floor. For the next forty minutes, they danced enthusiastically to anachronistic music, until finally Peridot decided her feet hurt. "It's the heels," she said mournfully, pulling up the hem of her skirt so that he could see her pretty beaded shoes. "I just wanted to be a little taller, to try and catch up with you." She pulled a face. "I think perhaps I would've been more comfortable if I'd sawed my feet off entirely and welded some of my drones in their place."
Steven stopped dancing at once. "Oh no, Peridot, I'm so sorry! I'll try and see if I can get the room to do something-"
"No, no, my shoes are fine!" she hastily reassured him. "I was merely inventing a reason for us to go back to our rooms!"
"Oh!" He paused and looked suspiciously down at her feet again. "Are you sure? You were very convincing."
"I once purchased a pair of heeled shoes to see how they compared to my limb enhancers," she explained. "They were aesthetically pleasing, but deeply uncomfortable, so I turned them into meep-morp and decided to stick with paint cans."
"Very sensible," Steven agreed. "I suppose in the meantime, we should return to our rooms and get you out of that footwear." He leaned in closer and smiled devilishly. "And all your other wear."
"Ooooh!" Peridot giggled and then let out a small squeal as he swept her off her (completely pain free) feet.
"Do excuse us, your Highnesses and Majesties," Steven apologized, attempting to bow with his arms full of Peridot, which had the unintended but very nice side effect of making her hold on tighter. "A medical emergency. Must dash. Thank you ever so much for the ball, please don't stop on our account!" And they were out of the room and halfway up the stairs before any of the other guests could react.
"All right..." Steven slowed to a halt outside their rooms. "If I remember right, and to be honest, I don't think I'll ever forget any of it, you said your room."
"I did," Peridot confirmed. "But-"
Her question died on her lips as Steven nudged the door open and stepped into the room. What had once been a generic medieval-fantasy-Disney castle bedroom was... well, still mostly a medieval-fantasy-Disney castle bedroom, except now it had her multicolored string lights around the window, her cluttered desk in the corner and her IKEA wall shelf where she kept her ice-cube tealight holders.
"I know it's not quite the same, but it's definitely your room, right?" Steven said a little smugly.
Peridot grinned and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Yes, I suppose it's close enough," she agreed.
"Goody good." He stepped fully into the room, kicked the door shut and then walked over to the four poster bed and dropped her on it. "Now let's see..." he purred seductively. "I believe you said the next thing I did was pin you down and kiss you, correct?"
"That's- eep! Correct!" she yelped as he suddenly straddled her and held her wrists gently but firmly above her head. Then his lips met hers in a long, slow kiss that made her squirm with happy anticipation.
"And then..." He traced a line from her chin down to her bodice and grinned. "I believe you said I removed your pajama top, am I right? And when I say 'pajamas', I mean this lovely dress, which looks very nice on you by the way, but would look even better not on you."
Peridot couldn't help letting out a small snort of laughter at that. "You were a lot quieter when I imagined this," she reminded him.
"Was I really? Doesn't sound like me," he said cheerfully, making her giggle more. "Perhaps it was because I had my mouth full," he teased.
She opened her own mouth to explain why, but at the moment the words formed on her tongue, they heard the sound of footsteps outside and froze.
"Yo, Steven!" Amethyst's voice rang through the heavy wooden door, far too close for comfort. "You in there?"
Peridot looked up at her boyfriend with eyes that were wide with alarm and confusion. "Is she really here?" she mouthed.
The question cut through his panic and he forced himself to think properly and remember the exact commands he'd given the room. "No," he finally whispered back. "I told the room to keep them out. It confirmed the order. I think... I think it's the room's way of replicating why I'm supposed to be quiet."
"Oh." Peridot relaxed slightly and then tensed all over again when there came a loud knocking at the door.
"Hellooo, anybody in?"
The couple remained silent and waited, both silently vowing to poof her if she actually made it inside the room. But their patience paid off, and after a few seconds, the footsteps started up again, this time heading away.
"Whew." Steven sagged with relief. "OK room, I can take a hint. I'll be quiet." He raised his head and looked quizzically at Peridot. "Right, where were we?"
"Keeping your mouth occupied," Peridot hissed, and took care of them problem herself by covering his mouth with her own.
They carried on in this manner for a few more minutes until Steven remembered he'd actually been about to deal with her 'pajama top' before they'd been so rudely interrupted. He valiantly attempted to unlace her dress without looking, but in the end, he was forced to stop kissing her so he could actually see what he was doing. "Sorry," he whispered, letting go of her wrists so she could sit up. "Surprisingly complicated piece of clothing," he complained, peering over her shoulder at the back of her dress.
"Wait until you see the corset," she whispered back.
"I don't want to wait," he whined, and fumbled with the strings. But in his hurry, he pulled too hard. There was a familiar, faint pop and the entire dress disappeared.
Taken entirely by surprise, Peridot shrieked and folded her arms across her chest before she realized she still had the corset on and that getting rid of the dress had been the whole point anyway. "Oh." She blushed and slowly lowered her arms. "Well. That certainly is convenient."
"Ah, of course!" He smacked himself on the head and immediately regretted it. "Ow. Our clothes aren't real!" And he concentrated, flexed, and smirked with pride when his shirt ripped down the seams and vanished.
"Oooooh!" Peridot's eyes lit up and she pulled him in for another kiss, parting her lips to let his tongue slide past hers. They fell back onto the bed again, and her hands went to his waistband, hoping to pull the same trick, but Steven caught her and pinned her wrists above her head again.
"Ah-ah, I don't remember you saying anything about taking my pants off," he murmured, and kissed her so she couldn't respond. "Just your 'pajama top'." And he sat up slightly, took hold of the top of her corset and pulled. There was the familiar pop and at once, Peridot was clad in nothing but her panties. Steven had seen her breasts before, of course, and had even got his hands on them during some of their steamier makeout sessions, but he couldn't help simply staring at her naked chest until she wriggled impatiently. "Sorry," he whispered with a grin. "You distracted me."
"I can tell," she retorted, angling her hips up so that his growing erection was pressed more firmly against her.
Steven bit back a moan and reluctantly admitted to himself that maybe he needed a different distraction now if he was going to live up to fantasy Steven. Math, perhaps. One times one is one, two times two is two, three times three is three- wait, that's not right. "Ahem," he coughed, and moved away slightly. Then he kissed a spot on her jaw. One. Another one just below her ear. Two. The hollow of her throat, her shoulder, her collarbone. Three. Four. Five.
That was better. He felt more in control of himself now. He kissed a few more spots on her chest and then, feeling he'd restrained himself for quite long enough, he closed his lips around one of her nipples, and finally released her wrists and gently tweaked the other one, smiling to himself when Peridot gasped loudly. "Shh," he whispered, and moved his mouth other to the other nipple, where his healing spit immediately healed the faint pain.
"I'm try-ah!" she squeaked as he pinched her other nipple. "But you're making-eep! Very difficult!"
"Try harder," he scolded in a hushed tone and kissed a spot on the underside of her breast . "'Cause I'm going to make it even more difficult soon."
Peridot whimpered and gripped the bed covers tighter as Steven started kissing her belly. Was that footsteps she could hear again in the distance, or was it just blood pounding in her ears? She inhaled sharply and bit her lip, her heart racing, matching the throbbing in her groin.
She wasn't wearing shorts, of course, so when Steven reached the waistband of her panties, he paused to kiss the fabric just once before kissing all the spots he could see on her thighs, starting from the outside and working his way in until he was facing the gusset. The damp patch was larger than yesterday and he felt a surge of pride. Score one for Real Steven, he thought smugly and pressed his lips against it, making Peridot whine with longing.
Then he moved back up her body and kissed her breasts again.
"Steven!" she hissed, and tried to push him down again. "Please!"
"You said," he reminded her. "You said you had to beg me to go back down."
"Please please pretty please," she begged at once.
He pretended to consider it. "All right, I suppose that's good enough," he whispered, and moved back down again. Once again, he kissed the damp spot on the panties, then he hooked his fingers into the waistband and slowly peeled them down, uncovering her pussy, the folds glistening with her arousal. Then he pressed his tongue up against her and licked.
What he lacked in skill, he more than made up for in enthusiasm, and when he slipped two fingers into her, Peridot's mouth fell open and she grabbed a nearby cushion and covered her face with it to muffle her voice. Then she realized she couldn't see Steven any more and tossed it aside, and as his tongue lapped relentlessly against her clit, she decided she didn't care if anyone heard them anyway. "Aaah... S-Steven..." she panted, trying not to buck her hips too much and throw off his rhythm. "Ngh.. pl-please..."
The pleasure was almost more than she could stand and finally, she gave up trying to speak, trying to hold back, and twisted the covers in her fists. Her body tensed, her back arched, and she cried out wordlessly, waves of ecstasy rolling through her as she came.
Steven waited until she'd slumped back down onto the bed, and then shifted back up and nuzzled her neck. "Was it good?" he murmured.
"Mmmm." Peridot stretched and smiled serenely. "Very much so."
"Better than imaginary Steven?" he teased.
"Imaginary who?" She rolled over and snuggled against him. "I'll never be able to be satisfied with him now. I'll need you to provide assistance from now on whenever I have any... urges."
"Oh no, what a chore," he said in a monotone. "Nah, I'm just kidding, I would be more than happy to oblige." He turned his head and kissed a spot on her cheek and paused. He'd lost count some time ago, but he definitely remembered there being more spots there before. "Huh. They really are healing."
"Hmm?"
"You had three spots just here," he explained, poking her cheek gently. "I remember, 'cause they were in the shape of a triangle and I thought it was cute. And now there's just one."
"Really?" Peridot beamed with delight. "They're really healing?"
"Really." He gave the last remaining spot another kiss and watched with interest as it faded slightly. "Well! In that case, Doctor Steven prescribes kisses several times a day until you're fully healed. And then lots of kisses after that. Just to be sure."
Peridot laughed and hugged him tight, and once again, his erection pressed up against her. "Ah, that reminds me! Your turn!" She sat up, grabbed the waistband of his pants and tugged.
Nothing happened.
"Nghh!" She gritted her teeth and pulled harder, straining with effort, but finally she was forced to admit defeat. "Hmph. You may have to assist me in this as well."
Steven laughed and sat up. "I feel like a stripper," he commented, and grasped the fake fabric around his knees. He paused for dramatic effect, and pulled, and the pants instantly vanished. "Tada."
"Wonderful! I can manage the rest," she assured him and lunged for his underpants.
"Ah, careful, those are real!" he warned her, just as a seam split.
"Oops." Peridot quickly let go and winced as the elastic snapped across his belly. "Sorry!"
"Ouch." He flinched and looked mournfully down his body. "I think I'm going to need you to kiss that better."
"Um, OK," Peridot said a little doubtfully, but she obediently leaned over and kissed him on the stomach. "Better?"
"Much." He leaned up on his elbows and gave her a charming smile. "Now, while you're down there..."
Peridot laughed and took hold of his underpants again, and this time she was more careful, and a few seconds later, she was facing his cock. "So..." she said slowly, taking hold of it and letting it slide through her grip. "If my research is correct-"
"Research?" he interrupted, sitting up a little straighter.
"Oh, you know." She blushed. "Fanfiction."
"Fanfiction?" he repeated warily, remembering some of the dubious things he'd read himself.
"And... videos," she mumbled, blushing harder and keeping her gaze fixed firmly on the penis in her hands. She rubbed her thumb over the tip, then stuck her tongue out and gave it a tentative lick. "It all appeared fairly straightforward. Mostly. Unless you'd really like me to put an ice cube in my mouth?"
She licked the head again, momentarily distracting him. "Uh, ah, no, I don't- I don't think so," he stammered. "Just... uh, straightforward."
"Very well." Peridot stared at him a moment longer in silent contemplation, and then leaned forward and took him in her mouth, as deep as she could. Then she pulled back and swirled her tongue around the head before bobbing back down again.
Steven groaned and sank back onto the bed covers. Her mouth was warm and wet, her tongue moving against him in the most magical way and all at once, he understood what she meant about imaginary Steven. His own imagination was never going to be able to live up to this, not even if he asked the room to recreate this exact moment. "Hah... yeah... like that, that's good," he panted, reaching down and running his fingers through her hair. "Ah! No teeth!" he yelped as she looked up and grinned at him.
She let out a 'hmm' of apology, feeling the vibrations in her throat, and restrained herself from smiling again when his grip faltered. For the next few minutes she worked diligently, licking and sucking and rolling his balls gently with her free hand, until she felt him tense. "Ahh... Peridot... I-I'm gonna..."
She glanced up, acknowledging his garbled comment, and carried on relentlessly. All he could do was watch helplessly as she bobbed up and down on his cock until it was too much for him to bear. His hands dropped to his sides and gripped tightly at the covers until finally, he came.
Peridot waited until she felt him relax, and then sat up and wiped her mouth. "Was it good?" she asked, unconsciously repeating his own earlier question.
"Better than good. Amazing." He sighed and threw an arm across his face. "You're amazing. Whatever fanfiction you've been reading, I wholeheartedly approve."
She laughed and lay down on top of him. "You weren't bad yourself," she teased. "What have you been reading?"
"Um." A mental image of a couple of filthy e-magazines he kept on his Kindle with fake covers popped into his mind. "Nothing much. Just, y'know, stuff."
"Mmm. Keep reading it," she ordered.
They lay there quietly for a little longer, simply enjoying the feeling of being together. Steven felt himself growing drowsy and yawned widely, then jolted back to attention when Peridot sighed and sat up. "I suppose we'd better go back to the house now. We have a busy day ahead of us tomorrow, and you need to sleep."