"Man the gate! Don't let them through!" the Wizard yelled to the other kids in the yard. Outside of the gate of Kupa Keep, a group of kids dressed similarly to the one that had been attacking Butters were approaching.
"Give us the Stick, humans!" the leader of the group demanded.
"Fuck you, drow elf! Come and get it!" the Wizard bellowed back, challenging the elven mob. He then turned to Clyde. "Clyde! Guard the Stick of Truth while we defend the fortress!"
"Aye aye!" Clyde replied, saluting the Wizard and running into the tent. The Wizard looked at the warrior oddly.
" "Aye aye?" We're not playing pirates, Clyde!" the Wizard scolded, not that Clyde was listening. He then addressed me. "Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. Hold off the asshole elves at all costs!"
I nodded, looking around and noticing that Butters was having problems.
The Wizard noticed this, too. "Butters, you're losing! Stop losing!" he commanded, glaring resentfully at the gentle paladin.
"But I don't want to make him feel bad!" Butters replied desperately, backing away from the attacking elf. As I ran to help him, I also noticed that the Wizard and "Princess" Kenny weren't doing anything to stop the elven invasion, other than the Wizard threatening his "subjects" or giving useless advice while Kenny messed with his wig or played with his "boobs."
I lunged at the elf that was attacking Butters, deflecting an attack that would have likely knocked the paladin unconscious. I stood in front of him, barely registering his shaky "thank you" as I faced off against my first real opponent. Noticing that his comrade was in danger, another elf, an archer, joined the fight, firing an arrow at me. Even though it was only a little toy arrow with a suction cup at the end, it still hurt like hell! Now a little irritated, I lunged at the archer, taking him out with one blow. Stealing his bow and arrows (hey, I AM a thief), I fired at the first elf, who had made another attempt to attack Butters, knocking him out, too. Glancing at the other two elves that were attacking (one was after Scott, while the other was attacking the cat), I fired an arrow at each of them. With their attention focused on me, I lunged at one, defeating him. As the final elf charged at me from behind, I spun around, avoiding his strike, and knocked him out with the hilt of my dagger. The battle was over.
"Drow elves! Fall back!" the lead elf called, and the elves retreated. Butters came up to me and patted my back, congratulating me, although he seemed a little nervous (with the amount of ass-kicking I had just dealt, I wasn't surprised). My apathetic look remained, but I couldn't help the feeling of satisfaction that rose in my chest.
The Wizard, naturally, was rejoicing. "YES! Awesome, dude! Take that, ya asshole elves! Better luck next time!" He then started chanting "na na na na na na" and bragging about how we still controlled the universe. As the Wizard was dancing around, Clyde approached us, his face troubled. Uh oh. Don't tell me.
"It's gone." he said to the Wizard.
The Wizard stopped dancing and looked at Clyde, his expression disbelieving. "What?"
Clyde looked down guiltily. "The Stick of Truth. The elves got it."
All was quiet in Kupa Keep as the Wizard gaped at Clyde. Everyone kept glancing between Clyde and the Wizard, backing away from the duo. Butters "ooo"d and pulled me away from the Wizard, shaking his head when I looked at him for answers. As I watched, I saw the Wizard's face gradually turn as red as a tomato. He started shaking as his anger built, and when the silence became too much to bear, he practically exploded.
"THAT WAS YOUR ONE GODDAMN JOB, CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!" he bellowed, causing Clyde to shrink away from him (and everyone else to shiver). Butters gripped my arm as the Wizard's voice quieted. "Clyde. You are hereby…BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!" he yelled in Clyde's face. The now-banished warrior's eyes widened.
"What?! No!" he yelled back, sounding more angry than scared, "You can't do that!"
"Yeah, I can!" the Wizard barked back, "You're banished, and lost in time and space!"
"Yeah, go home, Clyde!" Butters added pointlessly, glaring at the warrior from his safe place behind me. Really, Butters?
Clyde just walked away, glaring at the ground. I felt sorry for him (not that I showed it), but there was nothing I could do. The Wizard took a deep breath, calming himself, and turned to me once again.
"You fight well on the battlefield, Douchebag." he complimented me. Butters nodded enthusiastically in agreement.
"Yeah, this new kid may be a douchebag, but he sure can fight." Scott added. Gee, thanks.
"Shut up, Scott. Nobody cares what you think." the Wizard said, waving off the ranger's comment, "Right now, we have a bigger problem on our hands. The Stick has been stolen, and we have to get it back!" He slammed his staff on the ground to emphasize his point.
"But our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my king!" Butters interjected.
"Our newest member can take care of that." the Wizard replied, making everyone look at me, "Douchebag, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors: Token, Tweek, and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now."
I arched an eyebrow at that comment. When and how did you get my phone number?
"But beware…" the Wizard warned me, "The lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters, and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped." He slammed his staff on the ground again. "Now go, and send my warriors here!" He then turned around, giving one last order before returning to the tent, "Butters, go with him."
Butters nodded in response, coming up to me and smiling. "You just moved here, so you don't know your way around town yet, do ya?" he asked me, before continuing without waiting for a response (he knew by now that I wouldn't give one even if he had), "I'll show you around."
I nodded, allowing the plucky blond to lead me out of the "kingdom". On our way out, we ran into the Wizard's mother.
"You kids be careful now." she said pleasantly, looking outside into the yard, "My Eric has lots of little playmates. He's such a friendly boy." She smiled to herself, turning her attention back to sweeping.
Eric? I looked at Butters for answers.
"Eric Cartman. That's the Grand Wizard's real name. Most of the kids just call him Cartman." Butters explained, rubbing his fists together in a way I'd often seen him doing when he spoke about something that made him nervous. I didn't blame him. That guy had a dangerous aura. I just nodded in response, before nodding to Mrs. Cartman in farewell, noticing that she'd friended me on Facebook as well. Here we go again.
Once we got outside, I looked at Butters, silently telling him to lead the way. Somehow, he understood me, and led me to a bus stop.
"This is the bus stop where we wait for the school bus." he said, making casual conversation, "I usually wait alone, since I don't have many friends, although I'll sometimes run into Eric's group."
"What? How does someone this kind and friendly not have lots of friends? People like me don't have many friends (except on social networks, apparently), but people like Butters should have more friends than you can count. That's weird." I thought to myself, tuning out the blond's chattering, "Maybe he just talks a lot?"
As we were walking, I suddenly noticed a group of elves hiding behind a bush. As they lunged at us, I pushed Butters out of the way, earning myself a cut on my arm (one of the elves was carrying a real knife).
"You picked the wrong line to cross, human!" the elf that had slashed me growled, brandishing his knife. The other elves laughed.
"Oh no! You're bleeding!" Butters cried, his eyes wide as he looked at the cut on my arm. It wasn't serious, but it still stung a little bit. I shook off the comment, turning my attention to the elves that had attacked us.
Four against two, huh? My kind of odds. I took my battle stance, my face as apathetic as always. The group of elves backed off slightly, a bit unnerved by my indifferent expression, despite my injury. Butters stood next to me, gripping his hammer.
"This looks bad." he said, glaring at the elves. I just looked at them, assessing their strengths.
That archer looks like he could be trouble. I'll take care of him first. I drew my cloak in front of me, jumping behind the bushes and moving quickly behind my opponents. As they looked around in confusion, I landed silently behind the archer and, taking out a small knife that came with my costume, stabbed him in the side, knocking him unconscious.
"What? Hey! That's cheating!" the lead elf yelled, lunging at me. However, before he could get to me, he was knocked to the side by a hammer.
"I'm sorry." Butters apologized to the unconscious elf, clutching his hammer to his chest. I rolled my eyes at Butters's antics, pulling out my bow and shooting down the last two elves.
"Whoopie! We won!" Butters cheered, jumping around happily. I just watched him, smiling internally. I didn't know why, but he made me happy. Perhaps it's the sharp contrast between our demeanors. As we walked on, Butters placed his hand on my arm in order to "heal" the cut. It actually did start to feel better, but I just chalked it up to psychological manipulation.
Butters continued to lead me around town, introducing me to the town's main police officer, Officer Buttbaby (or Buttbrady, I'm really not sure). He showed me the Church, Police Station, Bank, Post Office, a photo shop, and even clinics for abortions and nose jobs. He then led me to a park and, from there, a movie theater. Next to the theater was a coffee shop called "Tweek Bros. Coffee".
"Tweek should be here, since this is where he usually is when he's not at Kupa Keep." Butters informed me, before adding somewhat-distractedly. "Although he has been spotted at Craig's on occasion." He then shook off whatever was on his mind, changing the subject. "Tweek loves coffee. He drinks it to calm down."
"What?" I thought as we walked in, looking at Butters oddly, "Who drinks coffee to calm down?" Butters, almost reading my mind, just shrugged, turning to greet a man with short, light brown hair who was standing behind the shop's counter. His nametag read "Mr. Tweek".
"Hey there, Mr. Tweek!" Butters greeted, his friendly nature taking over.
"Hello, boys. Welcome to Tweek's coffee." the man replied, his voice calm and gentle, if somewhat apathetic, "It's local coffee, brewed locally." He then turned toward a room in the back of the shop and called "Tweek! Tweeeeek!"
"Gyaah!" a startled voice responded, followed by the sound of something crashing into something else. So he is here. What's he doing in the back?
Mr. Tweek, who I assumed to be Tweek's father, didn't acknowledge to crashing sound. "Have you picked up today's delivery?" he asked, calm tone not wavering.
"Arrgh! Not yet, dad! I'm still trying to finish all of my chores!" came the response.
"Well, hurry up, son. The family business is relying on you." Mr. Tweek called, eliciting another scream from behind the door.
"Poor Kid." I thought as I headed for the room and entered, disregarding the sign that read "Employees Only". Butters, after glancing at the sign nervously, followed me.
Inside of the room was a bunch of machinery, presumably for making coffee. There were also various boxes of materials that contained coffee-related items. All of this was being run by a single boy, about my age. He had bright blond hair that stuck up in all directions and his olive-green shirt was buttoned incorrectly (likely due to his constant twitching). His eyes, wild and coincidentally coffee-colored, darted around frantically, as if expecting an attack from anywhere at any time. That's how he spotted me.
"Gyaah! Who are you?!" he screamed, hiding behind some machinery. Butters walked up to the frightened boy, placing a hand on his quivering shoulder.
"Tweek, this is Douchebag, the newest member of Kupa Keep." he explained gently, leading the trembling mess so that he was standing in front of me. As deep brown eyes met mine, they widened as their owner cried out in shock. I just blinked, handing the caffeine addict the note that Cartman had told me to give to him. He shakily took the letter from my hand, took one look at it, and freaked out…again.
"Ah! Now?! The guys need me now?! But there's no way, man! I have WAY too much to do!" he flipped out, grabbing my shirt and shaking me, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS?!" I would have smacked him if he weren't so freaked out already. He then looked at me with even wider (if that was possible) eyes, these filled with hope.
"Wait! You!" he yelled, as if he didn't already have my attention. I arched my eyebrow, which is what I usually do to signal that I am listening. Then again, I also do that when I'm curious, so yeah.
"Could you pick up the four o'clock delivery? If you do then I can finish my chores and then I'll still have time to play! Please?!" Tweek begged me. I stared at him for a few seconds before nodding, making him jolt. Once his over-active brain had processed what my sudden movement meant, he nodded gratefully and grabbed an envelope from a nearby table, handing it to me. "It's at Kenny's house, like always. You give them this, they'll give you the delivery."
I nodded again, heading out of the door. This kid has some serious issues. He smells heavily of coffee, and he twitches constantly. I smirked as I heard him cry, "Ah! How am I supposed to do all this?! Harbucks has, like, eight employees! Here it's just me! Argh!" He never changes.
"Kenny's house is south of us, on the bad side of town." Butters said, grabbing my hand and dragging me in that direction. He seemed to enjoy holding my hand, or just holding hands in general. Not that I minded too much. I never cared what other people thought about me, plus his hand was warm. I just let him lead (read:drag) me wherever as I lost myself in thought.
So this is the quiet little mountain town of South Park. I don't know about the adults here, but the kids all have some issues. I may have never played these types of social games before, but I'm pretty sure you don't ACTUALLY try to hurt people, and I'm pretty sure you don't use REAL weapons. Not that I mind; it's more fun this way, but still…
"Here we are!" Butters announced, snapping me out of my musings. We were standing at a section of train tracks that, once we crossed them, led into what looked like a completely different town. Garbage was strewn across the ground, with some piles inhabited by wild, feral dogs and equally feral homeless people. The only house there was little more than a slightly sturdier garbage pile itself. It had a single story and a garage, but that was it. It likely didn't have many rooms.
"That's Kenny's house." Butters told me. I inwardly cringed. I'd hate to live there. Getting over my initial revulsion, I walked up to the front door and knocked. A woman with bright red hair answered a few seconds later. She wore a light green shirt with the phrase "I'm with stupid" on the front and an arrow pointing to her right.
"What?" she asked me, her voice scratchy and hoarse. I handed her the envelope, wanting to get away from here as quickly as possible, but it seemed the Fates weren't on my side as she handed the envelope back to me and said, "Oh, this isn't for me. This is for the nice people renting the guest house out the back." Her voice was grating, so I quickly accepted the key she gave me and hurried around the side of the house to the only other building connected to it: the garage.
As I opened the door, I was immediately overwhelmed by the stench coming from within. There was the reek of something burning combined with the smell of sickness and body odor. It took all of my self-control to keep myself from vomiting, and I could hear Butters gagging behind me. There were three people in the garage, all of them with damaged skin, sunken eyes, and missing teeth. I cringed.
"Meth heads." I thought as I reluctantly approached one, "What's a delivery for a coffee shop doing here?"
"Yeah, we got the package for Tweek's Coffee." the man said when he saw me, "You got the envelope?"
I wrinkled my nose at the horrible stench of his breath, handing him the envelope before backing away. I wanted to get out of there as quickly as I could. Unfortunately for me, one of the meth heads had other ideas.
"Wait a minute…" he said, eyeing me suspiciously, "That's not the kid that usually picks up the package." The man who had taken the envelope looked at me more closely, his gaze quickly turning into a glare.
"Oh shit…It's a cop!" he yelled, grabbing a pipe and lunging at me. The other two quickly grabbed a couple of broken bottles and followed suit.
My own gaze hardened as I took my battle stance, wielding the knives that were used for my abilities. I seriously doubted a wooden dagger would do much against these guys. Butters stood bravely next to me, not noticing (or ignoring) my silent pleas for him to run.
"Oh boy! Bad guys!" he yelled, almost happily, swinging his hammer around at the guy in front of the group and causing him to stagger backwards. The second guy came up and swung his broken bottle at Butters, knocking him over. While Butters was down, the third meth head, a woman, came over and tried to kick him. However, before she could, I hit her from behind, knocking her out. The man with the pipe hit me, but I managed to dodge enough of the blow so that I didn't suffer much more than a bruise. As I fell to one knee, the two remaining meth heads ganged up on me, but before they could attack, Butters jumped into their path, shielding me from their onslaught. My eyes widened as he lifted his hammer and spoke.
"Feel my righteous fury!" he yelled, making it sound like a command, and held his hammer up to the sky. My eyes widened further as the sky outside darkened, despite being completely clear not a minute earlier. Thunder boomed from the storm clouds overhead, and much to my complete shock, lightning flashed and then came down onto Butters' hammer. With his hammer electrified, Butters swung it at our attackers, electrocuting them both and rendering them unconscious. To this day, I'm still not entirely sure how he does that.
"Hooray! I did it! I didn't mess it up this time!" the ecstatic paladin cried happily. When he saw my confused look, he explained, "I've never been able to do that perfectly before. I always get the timing wrong. Eric would always yell at me because I would end up shocking him instead of my opponent." He giggled at that, and I allowed myself a small smirk. I was still a little shocked at the power in that attack, but I would leave it be for now, choosing instead to look for the delivery.
Once we found the delivery and took back the envelope (Hey, they attacked us! We have a right to compensation!), we headed back to Tweek's Coffee, giving the delivery to the twitchy blond.
"Hey! You got the pick-up! Ah, thanks, man!" he thanked me, clearly grateful. He then walked over to his father, who was now in the back as well. "Dad! I finished my work! Can I go play?"
"Where's today's delivery?" he asked, his voice as calm as ever, putting it in stark contrast with his son's hyper yell. When Tweek handed him the package, he took some of the grains in it out and tasted it. "Yep. That's good shit." he said, smiling and turning to Tweek, "Alright, Tweek, you can go play, but be back before dark or you'll be grounded." He then turned back to the machinery, adding distantly, "Grounded. Like the fresh grinds of our all-organic Tweek blend, made with ingredients from local Tweekers." What?
Tweek didn't even acknowledge his father's ramblings. "Thanks, kid! I gotta go get changed, and then I'll meet you at the kingdom!" he said happily, leaving the coffee shop. I nodded in response, even though I knew he didn't see me, and followed Butters out.
"The next closest is Token." Butters informed me, "His house is this way." He then started dragging me back past the movie theater and to the west, all the while continuing to chat, "Token's family is really rich, so his house is really big. It's also guarded by a security guard who will hit you with pepper spray the moment you approach the gate." He shivered, as if recalling a bad memory.
I stopped walking, pulling Butters to a stop as well. As he looked at me quizzically, I pondered.
Pepper spray can be a real problem, but I need to get to Token, if for no other reason than to continue this intriguing game. Hm…a gas mask would protect me against pepper spray, but where can I get a gas mask in this town? I turned to Butters, looking at him questioningly.
"Huh? What is it, Douchebag?" he asked. I pulled out my iPhone and typed out the words "gas mask", showing it to my companion. "A gas mask? Ah, gee whiz, I don't know about that. I mean, you could ask Jimbo and Ned. They own a weapon shop just past Token's house."
A weapon shop? I nodded, heading in that direction, Butters following close behind. on the way, we passed Token's community. Sure enough, there was a gate guarded by a policeman with his hand resting on a can of pepper spray. Beyond the gate was a massive mansion that I assumed to be Token's.
"This is a gated community. Move along, sir." the guard said dully, staring me down. I ignored him, walking past without even looking up. Butters waved to him, although he looked nervous.
After passing a mall, a torn down Japanese restaurant (that Butters apparently got a wet-willy near), a Chinese restaurant, and a tower covered in fireworks, we reached Jimbo's Guns. As we entered, we were greeted by a cheerful, "Hey there!"
I looked up to see two middle-aged men standing behind the counter. Both of them wore hunting clothes, and it looked like one of them was missing his right arm. The man with both arms, who was also the man who greeted us, spoke again. "Are you here for business or pleasure?" he asked pleasantly, before adding, somewhat more sadistically, "Or vengeance?"
"Vengeance!" Butters replied happily, his ever-present grin widening. I guess you could say that.
The man with the missing arm brought a little microphone to his mouth and spoke through it in an electric monotone, "You've come to the right place." He had apparently smoked too much when he was younger.
"So, you must be the New Kid that just moved to town." the first guy said to me. I arched an eyebrow. It really is a small town.
"Yeah! I'm showing him around!" Butters declared proudly.
"Well, that's swell. And you're into huntin', huh?" the man smiled at me, sounding excited, "Well, you're in luck. South Park's just full of things to shoot that would delight any hunter, taxidermist or weekend animal-death enthusiast." He then scratched the back of his head, looking almost disappointed. "Not much I can sell to a minor, though."
I looked around the small shop. It certainly lived up to its name, as it was FULL of guns. There were knives, too, and even bows (with arrows). Spotting a gas mask, I pointed to it.
"Ah! You have a good eye, son!" Mr. Two-arms declared, "That gas mask will keep even the strongest pepper spray at bay. Also good for surviving a nuclear war (maybe)." I nodded, ignoring the part about the nuclear war (a mask that could hold up against the aftermath of a nuclear explosion wouldn't be in a place like this, and it certainly wouldn't only cost five bucks) and handed him the money for it. I also bought a real bow and a good supply of arrows, along with a sharpened dagger ("It'll be our little secret.").
"Thank you! Come again any time!" the two-armed guy, who I later learned was Jimbo, called after us. His companion, Ned, simply watched us leave, although there was a small smile on his face.
Once Butters and I got back to the gate, I put on the gas mask. Butters said that I looked like a psycho killer (the hair covering my right eye made it look half-closed), but I didn't care. In fact, it actually helped my purposes. With my defense in place, I stood in front of the guard.
"Move along, sir." he said again, his bored monotone still in place. When I just stood there, silent as always, the guard glared at me, pulling out his pepper spray. However, when the pepper spray had no effect, he freaked out.
"What the fuck?! Oh no!" he cried, pulling out his black club and lunging at me. Butters grabbed his hammer, prepared to come to my aid, but I held out my arm, stopping him. I wanted to test out my new weapons. Pulling out my new dagger, I dove to the side, dodging the guard's attack, despite his body's large amount of surface area. Using my smaller size and younger age to my advantage, I turned in place, jumping onto the guard's back and knocking him out with a blow to the back of his head with my dagger's hilt. I sheathed my blade as the man fell, taking off my mask as Butters congratulated me. He almost seemed a little disappointed that he wasn't able to participate in the fight, so I silently reminded him that I was the only one wearing a gas mask, meaning that I was the only one who could resist the chemical's effect. When he nodded in understanding, he went back to laughing at the fallen guard as I entered the community, which only consisted of Token's mansion. Vengeance, huh?
Reaching the mansion, I knocked on the door. Almost immediately, a young African American answered. He was wearing a simple purple jacket with a golden letter "T" on the front. I'm guessing this is Token.
"Yeah?" he asked when he saw me. I just stood there silently. Butters was still laughing at the guard, who was just picking himself off of the ground, leaving me without a translator. Token tilted his head slightly. "Can I help you?" he asked me, confused. Not one to start unnecessary conversation, I simply handed Token the letter that Cartman had given me. Token accepted the letter and took one look at it before arching an eyebrow.
"Oh, the elves took the Stick again?" he asked casually, not waiting for an answer, "Hang on a second." He then closed the door, opening it again a few minutes later dressed in a purple jacket with white sleeves and orange pants. He also wore a red Nike headband and a red scarf, with plastic knives taped to his belt.
"Thank you for thy message, traveler." he thanked me, getting into character, "I shall make haste to Kupa Keep!" He then ran off somewhere inside the house, calling, "Mom! Can you drive me to Eric's house?" I just blinked, walking back out of the gate and dragging Butters away from the guard, who looked at me in shame. I smirked at him, making him squirm.
"Craig's house is to the south." Butters told me once he had finally stopped giggling. I nodded to him and held my hand out, offering for him to lead me. He smiled at my gesture, taking my hand in his own and leading me toward Craig's house. I think the cold might be getting to the poor kid. His cheeks are turning pink.
As we walked, I checked my Facebook page and noticed that Clyde had unfriended me and sent me a message. I rolled my eyes, dismissing it as a temper tantrum, although I don't know why he blamed me for his "banishment". However, before I could finish reading the message, Butters pulled me to a stop.
"This is Craig's house." Butters said, pointing to a grayish-brown house almost exactly halfway between my house and the school (which my parents showed me last night). I walked up to the front door, knocking on it. Soon, a middle-aged man with receding red hair answered. He took one look at me and glared.
"You're looking for Craig?" he asked, not waiting for me to respond before continuing, "Well, he can't play. He's in detention. Something about flipping off the principal." And with that, he closed the door in my face.
"Well, he seems like a nice man." I thought sarcastically. Butters gasped.
"Oh no! Craig's in jail! We gotta go tell the Grand Wizard!" he cried, running back to Cartman's house. I followed at a more leisurely pace. No matter how interesting this game became, I still wasn't as serious about it as the others seemed to be. Besides, there was something else that was bothering me. Why did I get a distinct sense of foreboding when I read Clyde's message to me? Especially when reading the last phrase, which I felt that I had to take very seriously?
I'm gonna get you back for this, I swear!