"Ah! You have returned!" Cartman exclaimed when Butters and I returned to Kupa Keep. As Butters went over to talk with Tweek and Craig, Cartman called me over. "Come, Sir Douchebag. It is time to summon our forces! Simply call them here, and your dedication to Kupa Keep will be complete!"

I nodded, climbing up to the top of the watchtower. There, I pulled out my phone and sent a Facebook message to the Goth Kids, telling them to meet us at the school. Once I had climbed back down, Cartman called the other warriors to order.

"Everyone, gather around!" he called, standing beside me, "While the rest of you have been picking your respective arses, Sir Douchebag has gone and brought help to our kingdom." He then turned to me. "Sir Douchebag, it is time to give you a title worthy of your deeds." he said, raising his staff and proclaiming dramatically, "By the power of Mandaloth, third born of the Redguard, and by the glory of Christ, I hereby anoint thee- Commander Douchebag! With all the rights and privileges accompanied therein!" He placed his staff on either side of my head, as if he were knighting me. My new outfit consisted of a leather pouch-covered sash and a silver headband under my hood, of which only the silver circle on my forehead could be seen, along with a gold coin amulet on a red string around my neck. The rest of my outfit stayed the same.

As the applause subsided, Butters ran up to us.

"Eric! Eric!" he called to the Wizard, out of breath, "We know where the elves are hiding the Stick!"

"What? REALLY?!" Cartman exclaimed excitedly.

"We just intercepted their messages on Twitter!" Butters replied.

"You mean you shot down their message raven?" Cartman growled, not so much asking as telling.

"R-Right, w-we shot down their raven." Butters corrected himself nervously, "And the evil Elf King has hidden the Stick inside his desk at school!"

There it is.

Cartman's eyes widened at the news, then narrowed in a glare. "Of course! Kyle hid it in his desk!" He then addressed the rest of the warriors, "Citizens of Kupa Keep! We know where the elves are hiding the Stick! I told you they were cheating! Now we shall march on the school and make the hallways drip with elven blood!"

"HUZZAH!" everyone cheered, making their way to the school. We met with the Goths, who were dressed as Vikings, and faced the front door.

The sun was setting, bathing the world in an eerie red light. The birds of the night were already beginning their wake-up songs, while the air became chilled with the loss of the sun's light.

Cartman stood in front of the group. "Defenders of Freedom! I thank you for your courage and your audacities in joining our fight! Tonight, we are not the humans or the Goths! Tonight, we fight as ONE!"

"I feel like such a homo sapien right now." Michael, the leader of the Goths, droned.

Suddenly, an elf appeared in the window.

"THE HUMANS ARE HEEEEEEERE!" he called, and another elf blew a horn.

"Ooh, they blew their horn!" Cartman exclaimed, "Blow ours, Butters!"

Butters did as instructed, and the battle began.

"Guys! Flank left! Goth Kids! Prepare to attack from behind!" Cartman commanded, and everyone split up. Cartman turned to me. "They've barricaded the entrance! The elves are up to their old Jew tricks again! Find another way in! Take out the barricade from behind!" he commanded. I saluted and went around the back, signaling for Butters to follow me.

The back area of the school was full of knocked-out elves and humans. Near the back door, Pete (the red-in-hair goth) on the ground, clutching his ankle.

"Ow! I hurt my fucking ankle!" he groaned in pain, "Oh, man. It hurts like shit!" Michael was kneeling beside him, keeping him from collapsing completely. At my command, Butters healed his ankle (I still didn't know what psychological technique he used to make people feel better). Once Butters had "healed" him, the Goth got up, stating happily (almost), "Hey, I'm healed. Except for on the inside." He then opened the back door and returned to his usual place with the other Goths. I sighed, knowing that I wasn't going to get them to do anything else, and went inside.

Inside, the kitchen was a wreck. The elves had trashed EVERYTHING. The cafeteria was the same way. Kids from both sides were on the ground, crying that they didn't want to play anymore. This is getting serious.

We found Tweek, who was freaking out about how all his friends were "dead" and decided to let him travel with us. As we met up with Kenny, Kyle's voice could be heard over the intercom, commanding/begging me to switch sides. He also laid out terms of surrender, which included being the elves personal slave for a month and Cartman jumping up and down for three days straight. I smirked at that last part, moving to the basement.

In the basement, we found Cartman, who was staring at one of the ginger hall monitors. The ginger was lying on the floor, a green liquid flowing from his mouth. Oh no.

"Stay back, you guys!" Cartman yelled when he saw us, "Something is seriously wrong with the hallway monitors!"

The ginger was begging for help. Butters, in all his adorable good nature, ran to him, exclaiming, "That's Gary Nelson!"

He lifted the ginger's head as Kenny and I looked over his shoulder. Tweek was hiding in the back corner. Cartman told us not to touch the kid (due to him being ginger).

"We came to school the morning after the earthquake to report for duty." Gary coughed weakly, due to the goo's effect, "We didn't know school had been cancelled." He coughed again. "We heard a sound from down here, found this green goo. It was everywhere! It…changed the other hall monitors." He then got up, trying to walk away.

"Serves you right for being a patsy ass hall monitor in the first place." Cartman said unsympathetically. Gary started twitching.

"Something in the goo…it…it…" he stuttered, trying to say something. Then his skin started turning a familiar pale green color. Butters started to approach him, wanting to help. I leapt forward, grabbing my boyfriend and jumping back right as the hall monitor turned around and shouted in German, giving the Nazi salute.

"Oh Jesus!" Tweek screamed, hiding behind Kenny, who was paralyzed with fear.

"Woah! Somehow that green goo makes ginger hallway monitors cool!" Cartman gasped in awe. I turned to glare at him, and he took the hint, running back up the stairs. So it's me and the trio of blonds. Cool.

Butters and I, having already faced Nazi Zombies before, fought against the zombified hall monitors, taking them out with ease. We didn't kill them, since they were people my companions knew. Once they were gone, we somehow managed to convince Tweek to follow me, Butters, and Kenny deeper into the basement. There were other zombie hall monitors down there, but I managed to knock them out using magic, fire, electrical currents, and Kenny's boobs.

Once we got upstairs, we finally made it to the lobby, where several elves had barricaded the door. They attacked us on sight, under the command of Stan Marshwalker himself.

"We're breached! Battle stations!" he commanded, standing behind a catapult. "Hey, Douchebag, let's see how you like some flaming dog shit!" he called to me, using his rage at my attack on Kyle to fuel his will to fight. I ducked behind a shield, my companions following suit.

"Ew, sick, Stan!" Butters called out, not pleased with the method of attack Stan was using.

I looked around and, spotting an antennae, signaled for everyone to link hands, teleporting all of us to the second floor.

"You can't hide, Douchebag!" Stan called, unable to see that I had teleported. Ignoring Kenny and Tweek's gawking stares, I walked over to a rope on the other side, an idea forming in my head. Telling my companions to stay put (I'm a commander now, they have to obey me), I slid down the rope, catching Stan's attention, and he began firing flaming dog shit at ready again. As my companions watched on, terrified (especially Butters, who Kenny and Tweek had to restrain so he didn't disobey my orders), I danced around the edge of the right barricade, taunting my adversary. Stan growled, firing again. However, in his anger, he missed, hitting the barricade and setting it on fire. Then, using my magic, I blew it up, knocking out all the elves in the process.

"You son of a bitch! This isn't over!" Stan swore, fleeing into the next room. I waved my companions down from the second floor (Tweek and Kenny were gawking at me again, while Butters looked at me with pride) right as Cartman came in through one of the side doors. He had been hiding back there the entire time.

"Good work! Douchebag, man the catapult and let our guys in through the front door." Cartman commanded, "Everyone, fall in!"

I got behind the catapult, firing at the barricade that was blocking the door. All it took was a Cup-a-Spell to blow the thing to smithereens. Token, Craig, and Scott came in, Craig heading immediately for the door leading further into the school. Once he had opened that, he looked around, and I pointed toward the right barricade (the one I had destroyed) where Token and Kenny could be seen comforting Tweek. They seemed to be helping, but having Craig there would be even better, especially since my little "fire dance" stunt had him freaked out. As Craig went to take care of Tweek, Token checked all of us for injuries, and Scott ate some food to regain his strength ("The power of diabetes is both a gift and a curse. But mostly a curse."). Cartman stood off to the side.

"Lead the way, Douchebag! I must save my strength for the final battle!" he commanded, earning some skeptical looks from the rest of the humans. I just nodded, hiding a sadistic grin beneath my hood. If only you knew.

We all entered the next room, where Stan was waiting.

"This ends here, New Kid!" he states, twirling his sword in a display of power and determination. Butters prepared to fight, but I put my arm in front of him, making it clear to everyone that this was my fight, and mine alone.

Stan and I circled each other as I drew my sword. I had bought a katana from Jimbo before this fight began and named it Dragonfang, because every good weapon has a name. We both mock-lunged, looking for breaks in the other's defense. Stan summoned his dog, Sparky, to attack Butters in an attempt to distract me, but I was not concerned. Butters is a lot stronger than he looks and acts.

As Stan and I lunged, our blades colliding, I heard his voice in my head.

Kyle is in the fourth grade classroom. We remember that our desks don't have insides. He waits for a confrontation with Cartman.

We jumped backward, glaring at each other, before colliding again. I thought back to him.

Cartman will not fight. He will pass it off to me.

Stan growled and slashed at my side.

I will never let you hurt Kyle. I will kill you if you try.

I snorted in response to the prophet's threat, slashing at his chest in order to drive him back.

I have no intention of harming your boyfriend, any more than your canine companion has of hurting mine.

We both spared a glance over to see Butters petting Sparky, who seemed to be enjoying himself. Stan chuckled.

I knew Sparky wouldn't hurt him. More importantly, where's the Stick?

We both slashed at each other.

I don't know, but I think we will find a clue to that in the classroom. I have no doubt that whoever sent those Twitter messages to the humans and elves also took the Stick.

Stan leapt up, trying to slash me from above, but I dodged.

How do we know YOU didn't take the Stick?

I teleported behind my opponent using my anal probe, attempting to slash him with one of my daggers, but he blocked.

Because I was busy being abducted by aliens.

We exchanged a few more blows, matching each other's speed and strength, but we couldn't last forever.

Kyle tells me everything. I'd know if he took the Stick. I shall tell him to look for the clue when this battle ends.

I darted around him, slashing at him from all sides. By now, Butters, along with every other human and elf in the room and surrounding hallways, had begun to watch the fight. Stan slashed at me as I came at him again, making a deep gash in my side that froze on contact. I hissed.

No. Kyle will want to focus on treating your injuries. Let him. Butters will not let me continue fighting until my wounds have been treated, and Cartman won't continue the attack unless he has SOMEONE to fight for him. None of the others will leave me, so you will have some time to recover. Leave finding the Stick to me, as I am not on either side.

I slashed at Stan's chest, causing a wound that automatically blackened from the fire that surrounded my blade. Stan cringed in pain, weakened by the wound, especially after such a long, drawn-out fight, and collapsed, falling to the ground with a final trusting nod to me.

"S-Stan's down!" Jimmy, who had been watching the fight, cried, "Elves, grab him! W-We must g-get him to Kyle!"

The elves obeyed, picking up Stan and carrying him to the fourth grade classroom, where the King of Elves was waiting. Sparky followed close behind, worried for his fallen master.

Meanwhile, I had fallen to one knee, also weakened from my battle with the Ranger. Butters wrapped his arms around me, tears in his eyes.

"Douchebag! You're hurt!" he cried, his tone making it clear that he did NOT like using my given nickname right now. The other humans gathered around me.

"Holy shit! Are you alright?!" Craig said, a tiny amount of concern seeping into his otherwise-emotionless voice.

"Jesus, dude! Is he gonna die?!" Tweek screamed, clinging to Craig, very clearly NOT wanting me to die.

"Don't worry. My medicine skill is +7." Token said, trying to reassure everyone as he knelt by my wounded side. "Butters and I can take care of him. Right, Butters?"

I hid a smile. Token's maturity continues to impress me. While everyone else is flipping out, he tries to reassure them by getting them to focus on something productive.

Butters nodded, tears streaming down his face as he supported my head. Kenny and Scott kept me distracted while Token and Butters treated the frozen gash on my side.

"Oh, come on! Hurry up! He's fine!" Cartman whined impatiently. Everyone glared at him, which he seemed used to. However, he did back down when faced with the death glare Butters sent his way.

Once the ice around my wound had thawed and the gash had stopped bleeding, I was allowed to move, although Butters remained glued to my right side while Craig guarded my left.

When we got to the stairs, several elves charged at Craig, who wasn't prepared for the attack. However, before the elves could get to him, Tweek jumped out in front and spun in a circle, swinging his spear around and throwing back all of the elves, knocking them out in the process. Craig smiled in appreciation, and Tweek grinned triumphantly, falling into line beside Craig. Kenny walked beside Butters, with Scott and Token behind Kenny and Tweek, respectively. With me walking behind Cartman, my friends formed a wall around me, protecting me from the elves as we made our way to the fourth grade classroom, where the final battle would take place.