After putting on the doctor outfit (which was WAY too big for me), the camera allowed me access into the Records Room. Once inside, I found the records for this year, pulled out the ones for this week, and took a picture of them. I noticed that they were written in French, but that didn't concern me. My job was to get the records to the girls, nothing more. Once I put the records back, I suddenly heard movement coming from the back of the room. I looked up in time to see Randy Marsh falling from behind some shelves. What's HE doing here?
"Huh…it's YOU! Oh, thank God!"
And, more importantly, HOW did he recognize me?
Randy walked over to me. "Something STRANGE is going on here!" No shit. "The PTA reviewed that tape you gave us. The Taco Bell has something called a "Plan B". They've been looking through these records. But why would they be interested in the gynecological files of the women in South Park?" he wondered out loud.
I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the green goo that turns people into Nazi Zombies, or did the PTA not "review" that much of the tape?
Before Randy could continue, two government agents appeared in the doorway. One of them was pointing a gun at us..
"I'm afraid now you know too much." one of them said dangerously, bringing a radio to his mouth and speaking into it, "We've got two more asking a lot of questions."
The voice on the other end of the line replied, "Deal with them quietly. We can't let anyone know what we were doing there."
The agent did not verbally reply, merely lowering the radio and raising his gun toward us, preparing to fire. Randy held up his hands.
"Before you kill us, tell us why! Why is Taco Bell taking records of women's vaginas in South Park?" he asked desperately.
Suddenly, a device that the second agent was holding started beeping.
"I'm picking up some hot readings on the PEGI." he said as the first agent looked at him worriedly.
"Tell us!" Randy persisted, "What do women's vaginas and Doritos Locos Tacos have in common?!" I snickered.
The government agents continued to ignore us. "The PEGI is going crazy!" the agent holding "Peggy" cried in alarm. The other agent looked around frantically.
"Oh SHIT! There's an outbreak here!" he cried, yelling commands into his radio, "We have contamination in Sector 7. All units to Sector 7 NOW!"
"Well, isn't this just SUPER." I thought sarcastically, crossing my arms and tapping my foot, "More zombies and moronic government agents to deal with. The Fates must have some serious grudge against me."
The agent that had been holding Peggy pulled out a gun as more agents and military soldiers filed in.
"Secure the entire building!" he yelled, "Put that woman in restraints!"
As a nurse was restrained (unnecessarily), Dr. Poonlover came running in. "What's going on?!" he cried.
"Taco Bell security." one of the agents, who was holding a machine gun, answered, "Your clinic is infected with the Nazi Zombie virus."
"Nazi zombies? That's ridiculous!" Dr. Poonlover cried, before adding in an offended tone, "AND bigoted! I happen to BE German!" Bad move, pal.
"He's one of them!" the agent cried, turning his gun on the doctor and mowing him down. The nurse screamed before fainting.
The doctor turned to me and Randy and managed to choke out, "Tell people…what you saw here today." Before dying in a pool of his own blood. Randy gulped, sneaking past the agents and into another room. I looked around and, noticing a mouse hole, shrank myself and climbed through it. Before continuing, I noticed a message on my Facebook wall. It was from Stan.
Watch out, dude. A bunch of soldiers just blocked off the clinic. We'll find some other way to get to you.
I smiled. Butters. He must have gone to get help the moment the soldiers took the clinic. I knew I could count on him.
The moment I entered the mouse hole, I was faced with several rats and gnomes. All of them had been zombified. Super. As I tried to figure out how to get past the mini zombies, I heard a bunch of soldiers marching above me. I grinned, an idea forming in my head. Pulling out my arrows, I shot one of the pipes in the floor. The soldiers, predictably, shot madly into the floor, killing all of the rats and gnomes. I smirked triumphantly, making my way through the air vent. I'm such a genius.
Crawling out of an outlet, I came into a room where a woman was sitting in a chair, waiting for a doctor. No, scratch that. I came into a room where Randy, who was dressed like a woman, was sitting in a chair, waiting, most likely, for me. I resumed normal size, wondering what he had planned.
"Shhhh!" he shushed me (not that I had said anything) as two government agents entered the room, ordering us not to move as they held us at gunpoint.
"Oh!" Randy cried in a high-pitch voice, "What's going on? I-I'm just here for an abortion." He then pretended to just notice me there. "Oh, there you are, doctor! I'm ready when you are!" What? The government agents looked at each other as Randy continued his act. "Is this gonna hurt, doctor? Tee hee."
"There's something fishy going on here." one of the agents whispered to the other, "I think they might be Nazi Zombies…"
"Yeah, because we're total wearing swastikas and shouting at you in German as our skin turns green." I thought sarcastically as the agents challenged me.
"We'll SEE if you're a real doctor. Give her an abortion. Do it!" the agent ordered. Randy looked at me as I climbed onto a nearby stool.
"Oh, goodness!" he cried, sounding unsure all of a sudden. Hey, don't look at me. You're the one who dressed up like a woman in an abortion clinic. Oh wait…
I looked at the tray next to me. There was a syringe containing a green fluid that I assumed was anesthetic (Dr. Poonlover had contemplated using it when he tried to give me an abortion before muttering that it would be over before I could feel a thing), a metal rod used for dilation (the doctor hadn't used that on me because he was "afraid of tearing me apart"), and the vacuum was next to the tray. I pulled on some gloves. This could get messy.
First, I took the syringe and injected the green fluid into Randy's balls (which I was pretty sure he'd want numbed for this).
"Ow! My balls!" he cried, before remembering the government agents in the doorway, "M-Malls…my malls…my favorite shopping malls all close at five, doctor, can we please hurry this up?"
Ignoring his comments, I took the metal rod and dilated Randy's anus, which made him shudder, although it was hard to tell if it was out of discomfort or, dare I say it, excitement. I shuddered (not visibly), before returning to the unpleasant task at hand. Now, the fun part…
I picked up the vacuum, Randy encouraging me as I did so. I have to admire his brave (or stupid) amount of trust in me. After all, he was willing to let a NINE-YEAR-OLD KID perform an abortion on him, and he wasn't even the appropriate gender for it. Placing the vacuum around his crotch area, I pretended to suck out a fetus, occasionally having to stop suction when the vacuum snagged Randy's balls. After a little while, I stopped suction completely, glancing toward the government agents, who were still watching.
"He did it!" one of them exclaimed. The other one nodded in acceptance.
"Alright, so he IS a real doctor." I had to suppress a WTF look.
Suddenly, the lights began flickering. The agents, along with Randy and I, looked around.
"What the hell?" one of the agents said, running into the hallway before exclaiming, "Oh shit! Clear the building! This area has been compromised!" The other agent ordered Randy and I to get out of the building before running off as well. I got off of the stool and looked at Randy, but he told me that it would be a while before he could walk again, so I should go on without him. I just shrugged.
As I stood in the doorway, just out of sight, the agents looked around frantically as they heard one of the nurses scream. The lead agent turned to one of his men, asking, "Matthews…where did you find the alien goo?"
"Broken vials were in the trash cans, sir." another agent answered, looking concerned. The leader stood still, pondering the report.
"What could have come into contact with it in the trash cans of an abortion clinic?" he asked, right as a high-pitched voice shouted in German.
Oh no… Please God, no…
Suddenly, a small, pale green fetus broke through a nearby door, several others behind it. They all had swastikas on their arms. Super. I ducked behind the wall as the soldiers began firing wildly. When the gunshots stopped, I looked to see all of the agents and soldiers dead, with the zombified fetuses sucking blood from their necks. I thought I was about to throw up (which is saying something, especially coming from a kid who just faked an abortion on a middle-aged man), when, suddenly, the ceiling around an air vent above me caved in and a welcome voice called out, "Sage!"
"Butters!" I thought, never happier to see my boyfriend.
Sure enough, Butters' head appeared in the air vent. "I'm here for ya, buddy!" he called to me, before his hand started to slip. "God dammit!" he yelled as he fell. Luckily, I caught him, pulling him into a hug. After all the crap I'd had to go through in that clinic, it was good to see someone so comfortingly familiar, not to mention beautiful. Once I released him, Butters looked around, confused.
"Look at that little fella!" Butters said when he saw a zombified fetus, "Are those little babies sucking blood?"
I grabbed Butters' hand, ignoring his question, and pulled him toward the exit. However, it was blocked by a pile of rubble and bodies.
"Dammit!" I thought, looking around for another way out. Unfortunately, the only path I could see required whoever was taking it to be the size of a mouse. Or an underpants gnome.
I pulled out the pouch containing the gnome powder, showing it to Butters.
"Hm? What is that, Sage?' he asked me.
I said nothing, as usual, grabbing some of the seemingly-limitless supply of dust and throwing it over Butters and myself.
"Woah!" Butters cried in amazement, "Neato!" He started examining himself. "I'm smaller than Eric's brain!" he laughed. I allowed myself a chuckle, which made Butters grin at me.
Looking around, I noticed that, to my smaller perspective, the objects in an open fridge formed a ladder that we could use to get to an air vent. Reaching the air vent, I shot an arrow to kill some zombified rats that were in front of it. I walked along the pipe line, killing some baby Nazi Zombie rats as I went (they didn't even put up a fight). Through the gaps in the pipe, I could see the soldiers firing wildly at the zombified fetuses that were attacking them.
"Ahhh! Babies are eating my brain!" one of the agents screamed, collapsing as a fetus chewed on his head.
"Man, it's like a holocaust out there." Butters said, looking out at the death and destruction. He didn't seem too bothered by it, but I pulled him along, not letting him look at it for too long. Soon, we reached an opening and climbed out.
Back on the floor, we looked to see an automatic machine gun, which was focused on a glowing red circle on the floor. Two zombified fetuses dropped from the ceiling and crawled into the circle, where they were immediately mowed down.
"Well, that was a lovely demonstration." I thought, looking for another way through.
"I'll take a bullet for you, Sage!" Butters declared bravely. I glared at him, and he grinned sheepishly. "I guess that wouldn't stop all the other bullets, huh?"
I just rolled my eyes and grabbed his hand. It had become clear to me that we were going to have to shut off and destroy the gun. Looking around, I noticed a dead soldier holding a grenade, which I used my arrows to detonate, clearing a pile of flesh and rubble around an alien antenna.
"Damn!" I thought as I tried to teleport to the area behind the turret, "Out of range. We've gotta find another way."
Much of the path was blocked by water flowing from a broken pipe, and the zombified fetuses patrolled much of the area.
"We've got to shut off that water." I thought, tapping my chin as I looked at the mini-waterfall. I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked at Butters, who was looking at a hole in the wall. Through the hole was a gauge. Teleporting to the gauge (which my smaller size allowed me to do), I noticed that it controlled the water pressure. I smiled at Butters, who was grinning proudly, and turned off the water.
With the pipe clear, I figured out that I could teleport into it, which led me to a weakness in the ceiling above the turret. One shot from my arrow and the ceiling collapsed onto the turret, destroying it. A Cup-a-Spell from me destroyed the barrier along with the gun, clearing the path.
After passing through the blockade (and the fetuses waiting behind it), we reached the lobby. It was covered in blood and dead bodies. Two soldiers stood in the middle of the room, looking around.
"That's it! That's it!" one of them called, "The area is secure! Code Green!"
"It's not secure!" a weak voice rasped. I looked to see Dr. Poonlover, who was now leaning against the wall. Apparently, he still had some life left in him. The soldiers didn't hear him.
"The outbreak is contained!" the other called into a radio.
"It's not contained!" the doctor, the last of his strength fading, cried out desperately. The soldiers looked at him in confusion.
"What the hell are you talking about?" one of them asked, sounding vaguely annoyed that the doctor wasn't dead yet.
"It's not contained!" the doctor repeated, coughing up blood, "Y-You don't understand! Khloe Kardashian was here this morning." He coughed again, clutching his stomach, "She had…the biggest abortion I've ever seen…" he coughed again, and this time, when his eyes rolled back into his head, I knew that he was gone. Plus the fact that he shit his pants.
As the doctor slumped against the wall, the building began shaking. Suddenly, as the soldiers, plus Butters and myself, looked around frantically, a massive pale green fetus, larger than either of the soldiers, burst into the room. The soldiers attempted to kill it, but everyone knows that the government specifically selects people with horrible aim, so they missed every shot. The massive fetus tore both soldiers apart before turning to me and Butters.
"Oh hamburgers…" Butters muttered, grabbing his hammer. I tore off my doctor outfit, revealing my thief costume underneath (Hooray for anime logic!), and pulled out my sword.
El Feto Grande reared its head, blasting a stream of vomit at us. That's nasty. I raised my sword, preparing to strike, when a blinding pain shot through my back, causing me to fall to my knees, coughing up blood. Is it scary that I'm beginning to get used to that metallic flavor? I looked back to see what had struck me and saw…the umbilical cord?! As if fighting the baby wasn't bad enough, I have to worry about the umbilical cord too?!
"Sage!" Butters cried, bringing his hammer down on the cord and driving it back, "You're hurt!"
I smiled (as best I could, considering the blood still trickling from my mouth), and signaled for him to take out the umbilical cord. He looked at me with concern, but obeyed, focusing his anger on the thing that had wounded me. With the cord out of the way, I focused on the main body.
El Feto Grande turned to me, screaming in anger and shooting another stream of vomit at me. I jumped above the attack, bringing my flaming blade down on its head. The fetus shrieked, the fire causing serious damage. I jumped back, firing an electrified arrow, which caused the fetus to convulse wildly. I leapt up again, bringing out several knives and tossing them into my opponent before using my Morning Star (a spiked ball on a chain) to drive the knives deep into the flesh, causing major internal damage. Unable to bear the double assault, El Feto Grande collapsed, green goo seeping from its multiple wounds as its movements ceased.
As the adrenaline left my system, likely with the blood (which I just realized was flowing unhindered from the hole in my stomach), I collapsed, my fading mind wondering how that hole got there in the first place. As I closed my eyes, barely able to hear Butters screaming my name, barely registering his arms around me, the last thought to flash through my mind was that the girls better join this damn game now.