"By jove, you've done it!" the Earl of Winnipeg exclaimed when I brought him the pelts that the mounties had given me, "Look at all these Dire Bear pelts! Now I can finally make a Dire Robe!" Dire Robe…
He then looked up, as if only just remembering that I was there. "Alright, give me the document." I did as he instructed, and he looked over it for a minute.
"Hmm…yes. This is actually written in the language of EASTERN Canada. The Minister of Montreal can translate it." Great. "But I'm afraid the Prince has imprisoned the Minister of Montreal in the Catacombs of Quebec." Of course. "I will speak with the Prince. Return to him, and he should let you speak with the Minister." Terrific. I nodded and left, hearing the Earl mutter happily to himself, "Boy, oh boy. I will have the most dire robe in all of Canada."
I made my way back to Ottawa. On the way, I got a call from Butters, asking me if I was alright after my fight with the Dire Bears (which he had seen on Youtube). He sounded like he was panicking, so I spoke to him for a while (there was no one on the road anyway). After we hung up, with Butters promising to meet me outside of Ike's birth parents' house, I headed for the Prince's palace. I was not looking forward to the scolding I was undoubtedly going to get from Butters when I saw him again. He really is my boyfriend.
"There you are!" the Prince cried when he saw me, "I understand that you wish me to release the Minister of Montreal." No, I wish to SPEAK with the Minister of Montreal. "I'd like to help you, but I think this might be another ploy by the Bishop of Banff to have Montreal allowed back into the Kingdom!" the Prince snarled resentfully.
"Some Canadians think our nation should be united again, my Lord." one of the guards that stood beside the throne interjected. The Prince glared at him before knocking him to the ground.
"SHUT UP! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" the Prince yelled. Regaining his composure, he turned back to me. "Listen, it's all because the Bishop of Banff is a liberal. He does these things just to make life difficult for ME." he said irritably. He then looked me over, his eyes lingering on my Dragonfang. "I ask you to perform another noble quest." he told me, a twisted smile on his face, "Go to Banff and kill the Bishop!"
Everyone in the room gasped.
"Kill the Bishop of Banff?!" the Princess exclaimed in horror. The two guards looked at each other nervously. I just watched them blankly. The Prince shushed his wife before addressing me again.
"Kill the Bishop of Banff for me, and bring me his balls as proof. Do this, and I shall allow you into the Catacombs of Quebec. Make haste!" he ordered, returning to his throne.
"Why his balls?" I thought as I left, "Canadians are weird."
I met up with Butters, who practically tackled me to the ground the moment he saw me. Even as we began our journey to Banff, he didn't let go of my arm. I think he was worried about me. As we walked, I explained to him what my orders were, which he wasn't too fond of. I wasn't pleased with them either, but I needed to get this document translated. You see, when I make a promise to someone, I keep it. It's an honor thing.
After about two hours of walking (I had finally gotten Butters off my arm, although he still insisted on holding my hand, "just in case"), we reached Banff. It was a small town, even smaller than Winnipeg, with a large church in the center. Entering the church, I approached a Canadian who was wearing a white robe with a golden cape and a tall golden hat with a white cross on it.
"The Prince thinks that Canada is a monarchy, but there're other people with opinions, by God!" the Bishop said to no one in particular, before mumbling, "Sorry, God."
Well, looks like it's now or never.
I held out my hand, telling Butters to stay back. Then, I walked up to the Bishop and knocked him back with the hilt of my sword.
"What's this? Who the fuck hits a Bishop?!" the Bishop cried indignantly. I held up the letter that the Prince gave me ordering the Bishop's death, before jumping up and pinning him to the floor, my sword at his throat.
"Okay! Okay! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Please! You don't have to kill me!" the Bishop cried desperately. I arched an eyebrow. "I'll go away; the Prince will never know I'm alive!"
The Bishop, apparently predicting this attack, reached into his robe and pulled out a pair of testicles. "Please! Take these Dire Pig testicles, and tell the Prince they're mine!"
I looked at the testicles he held, giving him a questioning look. I then nodded, taking the Dire testicles and slashing the air in front of the Bishop, telling him to leave before the Prince found him.
"Bless you, my son!" the Bishop thanked me, his eyes overflowing with gratitude, "It'll be our little secret."
I nodded, heading back to where Butters was hiding. He smiled at me, the love and pride in his eyes almost making me blush. We both headed out of Banff, the Bishop's signature chant following us in a final farewell.
"Praise God. Praise Christ. Praise God and Christ."