"What's keeping you, Douchebag?" Cartman yelled impatiently. I walked up to them wordlessly. "Hurry up! We need to make Clyde pay!" Cartman slammed his staff on the floor.

"Dad?!" Stan yelled suddenly. We all looked and sure enough, there was Randy Marsh, dressed the same way as the rest of the kids. Ok, then.

"Hey! It's my favorite kid!" Randy yelled happily, running up to…me? Ouch. I looked at Stan, but he just shrugged, clearly used to it.

"Listen!" Randy said, kneeling in front of me, "I found out what they were doing at the abortion clinic!"

I raised my eyebrow as the kids around me started muttering to each other. Butters stepped closer to me, tensing at the memory of our battle with El Feto Grande.

"They were looking for a candidate to put a snuke into!" Randy continued fearfully, causing everyone to gasped in shock, "They're gonna nuke ALL OF SOUTH PARK!"

Everyone in our group began muttering again, this time in panic.

"This is bad…" Kyle whispered, clutching Stan's hand in search for comfort. That's the first time I had ever heard fear in the Elf King's voice.

"Where is it, Dad?" Stan asked seriously, pulling his boyfriend closer to him.

"Here." Randy replied gravely, "The people claiming to be Taco Bell planted it in this castle." He then stood up, walking over to a window and staring out at the darkened sky. "We should have known. We should have known that Taco Bell is far too compassionate and caring to be so secretive. The quality of their character, like the quality of their food, should have never come into question."

"Dad!" Stan called, snapping Randy back to reality, "Where is the woman with the snuke?"

Randy turned back to us, looking grim.

"They…didn't put it in a woman…" he mumbled, leading us down the hallway.

"Not in a woman?" I thought, confused. Butters grabbed my hand, which I gripped back. "Snukes are nuclear bombs that are designed to fit inside a woman's vagina. Who else could it have been…oh…"

"All I remember was that there were these big government guys and they wrestled me to the floor at my house." Mr. Slave told us, struggling against the ropes that had him tied to a pole. How fitting. "And then I remember thinking, "Well this is fun. But wait-is that a thermonuclear device?" I had some drinks, so putting a thermonuclear device up my ass wasn't COMPLETELY out of the question…" He then looked at the floor, saying sadly, "Oh Jesus Christ, how long do I have?"

"We don't know, Mr. Slave, but it could be a matter of MINUTES." Randy replied, surprisingly calm. Slave, on the other hand, panicked.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Pull it out!" he yelled, holding out his ass. Cartman looked at it nervously before slowly reaching for it. However, before he could get close, Kyle slapped him.

"No! We can't just pull it out! Snukes have triggers on them!" he yelled, also near panic, "We have to abort it. From the inside." Aw, hell.

"Oh, come on, Kahl! Who knows how to do abortions AND can get really really small?" Cartman retorted angrily. Everyone started thinking, except Butters and Randy, who both looked at me pleadingly. Oh, Christ. Fine.

Everyone looked at me as I stepped forward. "What are you doing, Douchebag?" Stan asked. I simply pulled out the powder that the underpants gnomes had given me and, sprinkling some on myself, shrank.

"Oh, look! He all small!" Mr. Slave exclaimed.

"Wow, this kid is FULL of surprises!" Randy exclaimed, although he had already seen me shrink at the abortion clinic, "Quick! Get up there and disarm the snuke! Hurry!"

"Good luck, New Kid!" Kyle said, gratitude and admiration in his voice. Stan saluted me.

"Be careful!" Butters called, worried.

I nodded, unnoticeably, and climbed up the distressed man's leg, crawling into his anus while trying to keep myself from hurling. The things I do for this world…