You!
That one word rang clearly through my head as the helicopters hovered over the treehouse, lowering ropes to the platform. Everyone's eyes turned toward the top of the Dark Fortress as several government agents landed on the wreckage of the Dark Lord's throne, surrounding the boys who had led the charge. Their guns were pointed at the group's leader: me.
"We've got him! We've got the Dragonborn!" one of the agents called. Everyone in my group looked at me, terrified. Butters clung to my arm in a futile attempt to protect me while the others gathered closer to me, for their own protection as well as mine. I simply stared at the helicopter at the center of the group with my signature look of apathy, knowing that was where their leader was.
"The Dragonborn? What the- who what?" Cartman stuttered, looking at me in confusion. He clearly thought that he had made up my title. I continued to stare ahead. These petty troops were of no concern to me. Only their leader posed a threat.
"So, it really IS the Dragonborn…" a familiar voice spoke from the center helicopter, "Just can't stop being a thorn in our side, huh?" The old man with the eyepatch, the one who had given me the scar on my eye all those years ago, got down from the helicopter and approached me, two lower agents at his side. He never did have the balls to face me on his own. He walked over to where Clyde had dropped the Stick of Truth and picked it up.
"He has the Stick of Truth!" Cartman cried fearfully, backing up. Everyone else followed suit until they bumped into the soldiers standing behind them. I didn't move. I had never backed down from this asshole before, and I wasn't about to now.
"How does this guy know you, King Douchebag?" Kyle asked me. I didn't respond. I didn't have to.
Eyepatch raised an eyebrow. "King Douchebag? Is THAT what you told them your name was?" What do you think, dipshit? "Why didn't you tell them your REAL name, DOVAHKIIN?" Because that's not my real name.
"Dovahkiin?" Butters asked, voicing everyone else's question. I pulled out my phone and, without even looking at it, pulled up my Facebook page, where I went by the name "Dovahkiin". They all "ah"ed in understanding.
"You…don't remember, do you? How we tried to find you?" Eyepatch asked me, causing me to mentally facepalm. Why does everyone always assume that, if I don't respond, it means that I don't remember?
Stan was beginning to lose his patience (too much time around Kyle would be my guess).
"Look, that Stick belongs with the fighters of Zaron, give it back!" he commanded, the natural authority of a heavenly being fueling his confidence.
"Careful, Stan!" Kyle whispered harshly, trying to restrain the warrior.
"Fighters of Zaron?" Eyepatch asked incredulously, "Boys, what's going on here is much more complex than that." He then jumped into the monologue I knew was coming. "This isn't the first time a UFO has crashed to Earth. You see, in 1947, a UFO crashed in Roswell, New Mexico…"
"Oh, God…" Cartman sighed exasperatedly, rolling his eyes.
"Aw brother, spare us…" Stan was clearly in no mood to hear this either.
"Hang on a sec." Eyepatch cut in, not wanting to lose their attention, "A UFO crashed in Roswell and a new government agency was created to investigate the paranormal. Our Agency." You never miss a chance to brag, do ya?
Cartman, apparently, was thinking along the same lines as me. "Can we skip this? Like, hit the skip button or something?" he asked. Sorry, dude. Even the Dragonborn doesn't have control over the fourth wall.
"Oh, you don't want to skip this." Eyepatch said arrogantly, glaring at the fatass with his uncovered eye.
"Yes, we do." Cartman insisted, no longer fearing the agent's authoritah. Eyepatch ignored him.
"Whenever aliens are spotted, vampires run amok, our agency is there, and we have never lost a fight. That is…until four years ago, when we investigated a child." In government terms, "investigate" usually means "kidnap and control". Just FYI.
"Yawn yawn yawn." Cartman's rude personality was showing itself off proudly.
Eyepatch, too caught up on his own story to notice the interruption, continued, "A child who had an unnatural power inside him. I had orders from the President to secure the child, so that we could harness his power before our enemies could, but he slipped through our hands."
Butters gripped my arm more tightly, recalling the story I told him about my past. Stan and Kyle glanced at each other, Stan having the feign confusion (heavenly beings know each other's history at first glance, unless it's intentionally blocked).
"The government wanted the New Kid for his farts?" Kyle asked, confused. Even I had to struggle to resist the urge to burst out laughing at that assumption. I felt Butters shiver against me, trying to contain his own laughter, and I saw Stan grinning out of the corner of my eye.
"That's lame." Cartman added, not noticing the amusement shown by his three companions.
Eyepatch drew back, face scrunching in confused exasperation.
"His farts?" he asked, not believing the stupidity of the claim, "No! His amazing ability to make friends so quickly on any social network."
"Ooooooh." the guys, with the exception of Stan and Butters, chorused.
"Do you see now?" Eyepatch said, staring directly at me, "That kind of power is invaluable in this world. That is why we seek to harness that power. The power of the Angel of Unity. The Dragonborn."
"Angel of U-Unity." Jimmy spoke up, and everyone turned to look at me. Even Stan, who was curious as to how I would react to having that information revealed. I merely stared back at Eyepatch, my apathetic look not faltering.
"That's right, boys." Eyepatch replied, smirking at me in challenge, "The Angel of Unity is a rare and powerful angel that has the ability to bring people together. While the angel exists in this world, the people he brings together are able to work and live alongside one another, regardless of their past relations. Of course, that cooperative mindset only lasts as long as the angel's mortal form. Once that dies, the unified group falls back into chaos. That's why the angel has to return to the mortal world once every thousand years, more or less."
"Dude…" the boys (except Stan) murmured in awe. Butters looked at me with wide, unreadable eyes.
"S-Sage…" he whispered, not evening trying to cover the use of my real name (not that I expected him to), "Y-Y-You're an angel?!"
I looked at him and nodded, emphasizing the movement so that everyone present could see it. They all gawked at me (except Stan, who looked at me sympathetically).
"Not just any angel." Eyepatch interjected. This time, he had everyone's attention. "He is the Angel of Unity. Every prophet in existence uses his power to gain followers for their religion. Of course, no single human could ever properly control the Dragonborn's power, so the sects always end up fighting with one another."
"Woah woah woah woah woah woah!" Cartman yelled as he and everyone else stared at me, their eyes practically popping out of their heads, "When you say prophets, do you mean like Jesus?!"
"That's right." Eyepatch replied, "Jesus Christ is one of the most influential prophets to ever appear to humans. And yes, his power of unifying all who believe in him comes from the Dragonborn."
Everyone stared at me, eyes wide with shock, as Cartman gasped, "Are you telling me that King Douchebag is like another Jesus?!"
"You could say that." Eyepatch muttered after a second of thought, "He's stronger than any prophet, but his effect on the world is similar."
"Hold up!" Kyle yelled, making everyone turn to him (except Butters, who wouldn't take his eyes off me), "Just how much power does King Douchebag have?!" Everyone turned to me again, except Cartman, who rolled his eyes.
"That's a Jew for ya. Denying the power of Christ and dooming the world." he said, glaring at Kyle, who had to be restrained by Stan.
Eyepatch, ignoring Cartman's comment, answered Kyle's question, "We're not completely sure of the extent of the Dragonborn's power, but before he was five years old, he had 3.2 billion friends on Facebook alone."
"Damn, dude." Stan said as everyone gawked at me once more (Butters had never stopped). Eyepatch just nodded.
"Do you have any idea the kind of power the Dragonborn has, especially in today's world?" he asked before turning back to me, "It is time to come with us, Dovahkiin. Time to stop resisting and use your power for your country."
"No thank you." I thought to myself, not so much at flinching (although Butters' constant staring was unnerving me. I hope he doesn't hate me.), "You said yourself that no human can control my power."
"Is he really still talking?" Cartman asked impatiently. Man, nothing keeps him interested for long. Unless it has a direct benefit for him.
"Are we really so different, you and I, Dovahkiin?" Eyepatch continued pleading with me, "You have to do what the government tells you, just like me. We're all just pawns in their game." Not really. "I'll admit you are fascinating. You have more power than any child- no, any HUMAN I've come across, and yet…" He paused, looking at the Stick in confusion, "…all you seem to care about…is this." He held it up at eye level, examining it.
"Not really." I thought, merely looking back at him in response, "It's their game. I care more about this little blond who's still staring at me."
Eyepatch continued, "It must be very important. What does it do?"
Cartman rolled his eyes, his boredom allowing him to answer. "Whoever controls the Stick controls the universe, dumbass." Bad move, bro.
Eyepatch's eyes widened. "Controls the… But then…I wouldn't have to do what I was told anymore. I could…" he trailed off, laughing maniacally, "I control the universe! HA HA HA!" He then jumped at the soldiers behind him, pointing the Stick at them, "Get back! Back I say! All of you!" He grinned. "I can do anything! ANYTHING I WANT!" He then began stripping, leaving himself butt-naked and everyone around him in need of therapy. "HA HA HA! I no longer need you, "New Kid". I CONTROL THE UNIVERSE!" Eyepatch then ran to a higher floor of the castle, still laughing, leaving everyone stunned.
Told you.
Cartman recovered first. "He has the Stick! We have to get it back!" he yelled, running after the nude maniac with Kenny close behind.
"Yeah!" Kyle yelled in response, "Let's go!" The Elf King then followed after the Princess and the Wizard, leading the Ranger and the Bard into battle (after another sympathetic look to me from the Ranger).
I watched as they rushed into battle over the Stick, impressed at how they conditioned themselves to chase the Stick so thoroughly that the knowledge that one of their own was actually an angel with more power than any deity they'd ever known of wouldn't stop them. I then looked at Butters, who still hadn't looked away from me.
"S-Sage…" he stuttered, looking at me with those same unreadable eyes.
"I'm sorry, Butters." I said, not caring if the others heard me (though there was no way they would), "I didn't mean to deceive you like this."
Butters' eyes widened, confusion flashing across them before turning to guilt. "W-Why are you apologizing, Sage!" he said hastily, grabbing onto my cloak again, "I should be the one saying sorry."
I raised an eyebrow. "What do you have to apologize for?"
Butters looked down, his eyes becoming clouded with tears. "I-I said your name. In front of the others. Even though you told me not to." He looked away, not meeting my eyes. Which was good, because I was staring at him with the most incredulous look I could muster.
"Are you serious?" I asked him, making him flinch, "You just found out that your boyfriend is an angel whose power fuels every prophet known to man, and several that humans do not know. Do you honestly think I expect you to think about what to call me under those circumstances?"
Butters smiled, relieved that I wasn't mad at him for using my real name in front of the others. I was relieved that he wasn't mad at me for keeping my true nature a secret.
"Hey!" we heard Stan call, "If you two lovebirds are finished sucking face, we've got a final battle to attend to!"
Butters turned bright red, turning around to retort, but I simply patted his shoulder, holding out my hand for him. He smiled and grabbed it, intertwining his fingers with mine. And with that, the Dragonborn followed after his friends, who accepted him for who he was, with his trusty Paladin by his side.