When I reappeared at the top of the castle, once again in my human form, I was greeted by stares. Everyone was looking at me with wide eyes, their expressions terror-stricken. Except for Stan, who merely gave me a thumbs-up, and Butters, who barely waited until I had my feet on the floor before glomping me, gently placing his lips on mine before removing them a second later. This little display seemed to snap the others out of their daze as Cartman began making snide remarks, although he stopped when I looked at him, only to start arguing with Kyle when the latter hit the former with his golf club staff. Rolling my eyes, I drew my sword, pointing it at Kenny. This got Cartman's attention.
"Hey, wait! Kenny still has the Stick of Truth!" he yelled, turning back to the cross-dresser, "Cough it up, Kenneh!"
"Fuck you!" Kenny's muffled voice replied as he stuffed the Stick in his bra.
"Give it up, Kenny! You know you can't win against all of us!" Kyle yelled, not wanting to be outdone by Cartman.
Kenny flipped us all off, raising his hand as a strange song began to play.
"Is this Japanese?" I thought, turning to Butters like I always did when I didn't understand what was going on.
"Kenny was made a Japanese Princess during the Black Friday Gamestation War." he explained to me. I nodded in understanding. These people really do get around.
Kenny looked at us and smiled (I think…), blinking seductively at us with large, violet anime eyes. Cartman blushed while Butters and Kyle grabbed onto me and Stan respectively, clinging jealously to us. Jimmy just stood there awkwardly.
"Come to me, my faithful steed!" Kenny called, shooting rainbows from his hand. As the rainbows passed over the platform and the sky beyond, the landscape changed dramatically, turning from a wooden floor and a stormy sky to a pink field with pink clouds and pretty flowers. Our eyes widened as a unicorn suddenly came galloping down the newly-princessified path. Kenny jumped onto its back, narrowly avoiding being skewered though the head by the magical equine's horn.
"Goddammit, Kenneh! Fight fair!" Cartman yelled, completely ignoring the five other warriors that stood with him.
"I am now, asshole!" Kenny replied, completely NOT ignoring the five other warriors that stood against him.
I looked at the unicorn curiously. They were very wary creatures that only trusted those with pure intentions, and yet Kenny managed to summon one. I suppose his intentions were pure enough, as he was only trying to regain his rightful inheritance, but I still wonder how he found one.
"No, you're not, Kenny! How the hell are we supposed to fight a unicorn?!" Kyle yelled back, having to jump out of the range of the unicorn's horn as it nearly slashed him. Stan stood in front of his King as the unicorn attacked again, blocking its horn with his sword, only to be thrown backward by the unicorn's magic.
"What are we gonna do, Sage?" Butters asked me worriedly, like he usually did when he didn't know what to do, only to find that I was no longer beside him, "Sage?"
"What are you doing, King Douchebag?" Stan called nervously, although he was clearly trying to hide it.
Everyone looked to see me standing right in front of the unicorn, looking up at it with a challenging look on my face. The others had to restrain Butters as the unicorn reared up, preparing to crush me under its hooves. However, before it brought its forelegs down on my head, it stopped, staring at me with wide, frightened eyes.
"What's going on?" Kyle asked, glancing at Stan, who shrugged. He was confused as well.
"What are you doing? Kill him!" Kenny commanded, kicking the magical horse's flanks in an attempt to re-exert control over the beast. The creature ignored him, lowering its hooves to the floor and backing away from me. Kenny looked at me angrily, demanding to know what I had done to his steed. I ignored him, as the unicorn had, growling at the beast before me. In response, the unicorn lurched backward, despite Kenny's order to move forward. It then balked as I began to stalk towards it, still maintaining a constant growl that made it sound like I had a running motor in my throat. The horse snorted and reared up again, this time to get away from me. My growling ceased as I stared at the creature. Then I opened my mouth again, emitting from my throat the dragon equivalent of a bark. The unicorn, finally reaching its limits, reared up again, pivoting on its hind legs, and bolted, throwing its rider in the process. As it fled, the pink and rainbow scenery faded, returning to its original dark, foreboding state.
Magical creatures never prey on each other, but as far as the mythical hierarchy goes, dragons outrank unicorns. If a dragon tells a unicorn to get lost, the unicorn will get lost.
"Hah! Not so tough now, are ya!" Cartman yelled triumphantly, as if he had been the one to chase away the unicorn. Butters ran over to me, silently berating me for acting on my own. I could tell he wasn't mad, though, just worried.
Cartman approached the Princess, who was still lying where he had fallen after being thrown from the unicorn's back. "It's all over now, Princess Kenny. Douchebag is too powerful for you." he said, surprisingly gentle, "Give us the Stick, and we will let you return to the lands of Zaron."
Kenny glared at him and swatted his outstretched hand away, getting up and retreating to a safer distance. He then took the Stick out of his bra, looking at it sadly, before returning it and taking out a vial of sickeningly familiar green goo.
"What's she doing?" Stan asked worriedly as the Princess popped off the top.
Kyle's eyes became saucers. "No, Kenny! Don't drink that!" he yelled desperately, reaching a hand out to the despairing Princess.
"KENNEH!" Cartman bellowed, using his rage to hide his fear and heartbreak.
Kenny ignored all of the distressed calls coming from his friends, bringing the vial to his mouth (which he temporarily revealed) and drinking the green goo, tossing the vial away as his body began to convulse. His skin turned that familiar pale green color and a swastika appeared on his left arm. With a familiar salute, Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny attacked.
"Oh sh-sh-shit!" Jimmy stuttered fearfully.
"Sage…" Butters whispered, barely loud enough for me to hear him. Even so, I could still make out the sorrow in his voice. I wrapped an arm around him, pulling him close to me and letting him bury his face in my neck. I could feel his tears wetting my skin, causing me to hold him more tightly, but I still kept an eye on our enemy, drawing my sword with my free hand and pointing it at the approaching zombie.
Stan growled, taking his place beside Kyle and reigniting the Elf King's courage. As the Elf King and his loyal Ranger shared a supportive glance, I looked at Butters and squeezed his waist, gaining his attention. I stared directly into his red, puffy eyes, gently pressing my lips to his. After we separated, I smiled confidently at him, earning me a tearful smile from my partner.
"Thanks, Sage." he whispered gratefully, finally turning to face our opponent. As we all stood before the zombie, it raised its hand, summoning an army of Nazi Zombie rats.
"Really?" I thought, looking at the mini-army in annoyance, "It's gonna take forever to kill all these rats." My eyes then widened as an imaginary light bulb appeared above my head. "Wait…rats!" I turned to Jimmy, pointing my sword at him in order to get his attention, which I did.
"W-Woah! Wh-Wh-What are you d-d-doing?!" Jimmy cried fearfully, backing away from me. I moved the tip of my sword in front of his face, maintaining his attention, and then pointed it at the mice, before moving it back so that the tip was pointing at a flute that I had gotten for him on my way to Canada (somewhat of an apology for the ass-kicking I had dealt him during the Battle of the Giggling Donkey).
"Oh! I g-get it!" the Bard cried, a look of realization on his face. Standing tall on his crutches, he approached the horde of zombie rats, holding his flute proudly. Then, somehow managing to stand on his crippled legs, he played a lively tune that caught the rats' attention, leading them away from the rest of us.
Good work, Jimmy. Your role has been played. Leave the rest to us.
Kenny growled, irritated that his rat army was taken from him. I raised my sword and, slashing him straight across the chest, brought him down.
"Oh my god, you killed Kenny!" Stan cried, horrified.
"You bastard!" Kyle followed in a sequence that seemed to have been many times rehearsed.
"Not so." I thought, annoyed, as Kenny got back up, as good as new.
"Oh, nevermind." Stan said, still horrified, but for a different reason.
We all charged at the Nazi Zombie Princess, but he seemed to effortlessly block or evade all of our attacks. Stan was almost hit by zombie vomit (a disgusting mixture of blood, bone, and regurgitated flesh), but Kyle managed to swat it away with his staff. Cartman was keeping to the back (I know from experience that he sucks at close combat), sticking to the mind games he's dangerously good at. Soon, Kenny, getting tired of this battle, raised his hand and summoned a grayscale rainbow from his hand, the familiar call more terrifying than before.
"Impossible!" Cartman yelled fearfully as the thundering of hooves echoed through the darkened sky, "Douchebag already drove the unicorn away, didn't he?!"
"Not this one." I thought grimly as the unicorn came into view: the Nazi Zombie Unicorn. Dark green fur covered its body and its even darker green mane and tail blew wildly as it charged. A black swastika could be seen at the base of its dark green horn. Kenny jumped onto its back, pushing it into a head-long charge.
"Holy shit! It's coming right for us!" Kyle screamed.
"Douchebag! Do something!" Cartman commanded/begged.
"Like what?" I thought to myself, holding out my sword in an attempt to block the unicorn's attack, "This thing's undead. It doesn't follow the rules of the mythical hierarchy."
"Stay back, Dragonborn!" I heard someone cry. I turned to see Stan, who had moved to stand in front of the group, his sword in front of him. "I'll handle this thing."
I hesitated, not liking to let others fight my battles, before relenting, knowing that he was a better match for the creature than I was. Being the reincarnated prophet of Scientology, Stan is the embodiment of the spirit's immortal nature, as is the belief of the Scientologists, and immortality always overpowers the undead, which are the embodiment of death.
"Stan…!" Kyle yelled, reaching out for the warrior, but I held out my sword, blocking him.
"What's the big idea, Douchebag?!" he growled angrily, raising his staff in preparation to strike me. Before he could, however, Butters jumped between us, stopping the distressed King's attack while translating for his King.
"He's telling you to trust Stan!" Butters cried, holding his arms out as he stood in front of me. Kyle looked at the Paladin, his expression conflicted. Butters, seeing the King's aggression fading, continued, "You trusted Stan when you appointed him as your second-in-command and bodyguard, right?"
"Of course!" Kyle cried indignantly, "I've never trusted anyone more!"
"And you trusted him when you gave him your heart, despite knowing his recent history with Wendy, right?"
Kyle turned bright red. "H-How'd you…!" he exclaimed, stuttering into speechlessness. Butters laughed.
"As if it wasn't obvious from the beginning." he chuckled, before adding with a blush of his own, "And now, I have something to compare it to." He looked at me, and we shared a loving gaze. Kyle watched us, his expression softening. He then looked back at Stan, who was using his sword to block the unicorn's horn, and worry once again dominated his features. Butters saw this.
"So, do you trust him now?" he asked. When Kyle looked at him, confused, he elaborated, "Do you trust Stan to know his limits? To make it out of a battle he chose, alive? Do you trust him to survive, so that he will stand beside you once more?"
Kyle looked at Butters, astonished at the feeling within that little speech. I smiled at my boyfriend, silently telling him how proud I was, and he nuzzled against my side, closing his eyes contentedly. I looked at Kyle, who still looked unsure (and a little jealous), and nodded my head confidently, reassuring him that Stan would make it out of this in one piece. He stared at us a second more, before finally smiling in consent to our argument. He then turned back to Stan's battle with the unicorn, a new look of pride and confidence on his face.
Meanwhile, during the heartfelt conversation between the Elf King and the Paladin, the Ranger was getting a read on his opponent's power and abilities. He knew that this undead beast was no match for him, especially with his true, immortal identity realized, but if there was one thing the Dragonborn had taught him about fighting, it was to always analyze an opponent's strengths and weaknesses, lest you be taken by surprise with a hidden strength disguised as a weakness. With this lesson in mind, the prophet repeatedly engaged the zombies, Princess and Steed, looking for weaknesses. He grinned when he found one, eyes glowing bright violet as his immortal spirit sent power into his sword. Then, with a well-timed leap toward the rearing beast, the Ranger swung his sword upward and lopped off the Nazi Zombie Unicorn's head.
"Way to go, Stan!" Kyle yelled, running over and glomping his boyfriend.
"I told you I'd be alright, Kyle." Stan replied, sounding a little tired. He then winced, looking at his right hand as his sword fell from his grasp. "I think I sprained my sword hand, though."
As Kyle took Stan to the sidelines, the rest of us charged at Kenny at once again. The fall from his now-headless steed had left him shaken, so it was easy for me and Butters to bring him down. However, as I expected, he just got back up again, preparing another attack.
"Oh no, you don't!" Kyle yelled, bringing his staff down on Kenny's head, which forced the Princess to stop the attack in order to block, "You'll pay for hurting Stan! You're going down, even if I have to kill you myself!"
Kenny jumped back, glaring. He then reached into his dress, pulling out another vial of green goo.
"Oh hamburgers!" Butters cried, "If he drinks more of the goo, he'll get even stronger!"
"Like hell he will!" Kyle roared challengingly, turning toward the stairs that led to the lower levels of the castle and calling, "Ike! Come here a second!"
Ike, who had apparently been waiting at the base of the stairs out of concern, came running up at his brother's call. "Kyle?" he asked adorably.
"We need your help!' Kyle replied, crouching behind the young Canadian in a pose resembling a football player. Oh no. "Kick the baby!"
"Don't kick the goddamn baby!" Ike yelled angrily as Kyle kicked him towards Kenny, although he also yelled "Yaaaaaaay!" as he flew through the air. He hit the zombie directly in the chest, knocking the vial from his hands. Kenny swore viciously as Ike landed next to him, crying.
The young Canadian screamed as the Nazi Zombie lunged at him, but before the attack could land, Kyle grabbed his brother and pulled him to safety.
"You did well, Ike. Thank you." Kyle said gently, holding his brother close to him. Ike looked up at his adoptive brother, light blue eyes shining with tears of happiness and fear.
"Kyle!" he cried happily, hugging his brother, who was now kneeling beside Stan. Kyle hugged him back, and Stan patted the Canadian's head in praise. Ike smiled up at Stan and then turned to where I was standing, as if seeking my approval as well. I nodded to him, making him squeal with joy and bounce around his brother and future brother-in-law excitedly. Kyle smiled at me gratefully, glad that I made his brother so happy. I simply nodded to him, too.
"Look out!" I heard Butters cry out. I turned back to the fight at hand in time to see Butters block a strike from Kenny. The zombie raised his other arm to attack the vulnerable Paladin, but I got there first, slicing the zombie's arm clean off.
Kenny growled, raising his remaining arm and yelling something in German. I can't speak much German (not in this form, anyway), but I know that summoning no matter what language it's spoken in.
"No…" I thought, looking wide-eyed as a familiar cloaked figure appeared behind Kenny, skeletal hand gripping a scythe and right arm sporting a swastika, "Death…"
Death. The Gatherer of Souls. He who decides the fate of all in this realm. Even the most powerful angels can't touch him in this world of mortals. We don't stand a chance with HIM as our enemy!
I took my battle stance, ready to die if it meant protecting my boyfriend, but I looked back at him when I heard a familiar chaotic laugh escape his lips.
"Foolish Princess Kenny!" he laughed, the aura of chaos swirling around him as he once again transformed into the being called Professor Chaos, "Do you not know that Death is a servant of Chaos!"
Kenny and I were both taken aback as Death roared, almost sounding conflicted. The Zombie Princess jumped onto Death's shoulder, ordering him forward, which he reluctantly obeyed. Professor Chaos stood his ground, ready to take them both head on. But he didn't stand alone. I stood beside my mate, activating the final stage of Spirit Manifest, and roared, extending my massive black wings so that they darkened the battlefield. Professor Chaos grinned psychotically at me, his eyes glowing violently white as they met my confident crimson ones, before we both turned to face our opponents.
Such was the face-off of spirits: Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny and Death vs. Professor Chaos and the Dragonborn. Death lunged, ready to slice us to bits and send our souls to Hell, and Chaos and I unleashed simultaneous energy blasts. Our attacks collided, pushing for dominance, and it seemed neither would yield. However, my mate and I are an unstoppable force. Even Death can't stand up to us.
Stan, Kyle, Ike, and Cartman all took cover as the explosion shook the entire town (and probably Denver, too). As the smoke cleared, Kenny was lying dead (-er) and Death had disappeared. Butters and I were back in our human forms, with Butters leaning against my side, his head on my shoulder.
"All that chaos energy's making me a little woozy." he muttered weakly, closing his eyes as he tried to stabilize himself. I looked over to where Kenny was already starting to get up again and, picking my boyfriend up bridal-style, brought him over to Stan and Kyle, silently ordering them to take care of him. With Butters out of harm's way, I turned my attention back to our opponent, who was standing up once more.
I knew it. This is one of the souls that serves Death. The highest level of the Sacrificial Angels. The Deathbringer. The Deathbringers are Sacrificial Angels that serve directly under Death. Because of this, they can intentionally kill off their mortal bodies and make it look like an accident, only to be reborn once their mission is complete with no one around remembering their death (unless someone is connected to the spirit realm, in which case the illusion of amnesia has no effect). Normally, the Deathbringer's soul would wait in the Between realm until his body is recreated, but now that he has a body that can be controlled after death, he just keeps coming back again and again. The only way to defeat a Deathbringer in a zombie's body is to force the soul out of its body and then completely DESTROY that body before the soul can return. But how?
Stan and Kyle, apparently, were wondering the exact same thing, only they seemed more panicked.
"She won't stay dead! We can't beat her!" Stan yelled, freaking out.
"Dude, we're fucked! There's no way!" Kyle added, following his boyfriend in the art of freaking out.
"There is ONE way!" Cartman announced, gaining everyone's attention. He looked at all of us gravely, his grim gaze landing on me as he said, "We're gonna have to break the Gentlemen's Code."
All of our eyes widened in shock and horror.
"Cartman! You can't possibly mean…!" Kyle gasped, holding Ike close as he gripped Stan's arm.
"What choice do we have, KAHL?!" Cartman yelled, clearly not fond of the idea himself. He then turned back to me. "King Douchebag. You remember long ago, I made you swear an oath to never fart on anyone's balls." Yep. Three days ago. "I am now asking you…to break that oath."
I shuddered. The Gentlemen's Code hasn't been broken in many, many years. The very thought of doing so made me sick to my stomach. Stan, sensing my hesitation, spoke up.
"He's right. It's our only chance." he said sadly, grabbing Kyle's hand for comfort.
I'd never felt this conflicted in my life. I was charged with protecting this world, and these people are a part of this world. They are also my friends (except Cartman), and one of them is so, so much more than that. I'd do anything for them. But the Gentlemen's Code is a universal oath, and once you break it, you can never be respected again. If I do this, my mission as an Angel of Unity will fail, and my soul will be destroyed. I looked around at my friends. They were all looking at me pleadingly, with Stan's eyes containing a sorrow the others' did not, for he knew what would happen to me.
I bit my lip, turning to Butters, my main source of comfort. He looked at me and smiled, grabbing my hand and squeezing it gently. I smiled back, tears appearing in my eyes as I gazed upon my precious, beloved mate for the last time. He leaned forward, gently pressing his lips to mine, and I kissed him back, trying to send as much love into that last kiss as I could. Nobody said anything, closing their eyes and bowing their heads in respect, with a sob escaping Stan's lips. As Butters released me, we gazed into each other's eyes, and I took in the beauty of the being in front of me, making sure he knew how much I love him. Finally, I closed my eyes, turning away and facing Cartman, stepping forward to let him know I was ready.
"Good man, Douchebag!" he said proudly, directing me back to the battlefield, where Kenny was being held off by Jimmy and the rats he stole. "And gay." he whispered under his breath.
You're one to talk. I typed quickly on my phone and showed it to him. He blushed and told me to shut up, pushing me forward before running behind Kenny, grabbing the zombified princess and holding him up.
"Do it, Douchebag! Hurry!" he yelled, ignoring (or trying to) the slaps to the face from the struggling Princess.
I gulped, turning back to my friends one last time. Then, calmly approaching the Princess (and the Wizard restraining him), I turned my ass to them and unleashed a powerful Dragonshout.
A bright flash of light filled the air, the power unleashed by the breaking of a universal oath spreading over the small mountain town. The intentions accompanying the broken oath reversed the effects of the green goo, turning every Nazi Zombie back to normal.
"Daddy! We're back to normal!" I heard a little boy cry.
"Yes. A Dragonborn must have farted on a Princess' balls." his father replied casually, holding his son close.
I smiled, that exchange convincing me that I had done the right thing. As the light continued to spread, filling my senses, I barely noticed falling backward.
Barely noticed someone catch me, frantically screaming my name.
Barely noticed my soul being forcibly ripped out of my body as all of my senses failed.