A/N: I'm aware this might read a little like two fics at once at the moment, but I've wanted to try out this Lily storyline for a while now and it seemed to fit in best with this story to add some meat behind the kink/ smut I set out to write, given that it's becoming a longer fic. I will make sure this comes together and is rectified with how it goes on. Anyway, I will stop narrating my thoughts and let you get on! I hope you enjoy, and reviews would be awesome!
"...Are you serious?"
Lily looks down at the brunette with an expression of disbelief, causing Regina to bristle uncomfortably. Still, she pushes the issue, shivering slightly as a cold breeze enters the recently opened window and stirs at the curtains.
"I'm serious. Why do you presume Emma would be angry with me? I know we didn't exactly start out as the best of friends, but she and I have moved on immeasurably since then. She's mentioned nothing to me about any underlying grievance, and I can assure you that I have enough experience to know that she would let me know loud and clear if something was wrong. True, the last time I saw her she was behaving rather curiously, but she gave no sign that she was upset or annoyed with me, quite the opposite. Before that, the last time I saw her, we were drinking coffee at Granny's and the woman was in stitches telling me about a bizarre dream she'd had; hardly the behaviour of one with a grudge."
"Just how blind are you?!"
Lily barks angrily, and Regina swallows, taken aback, as the younger woman flashes her teeth.
"What do you mean?"
"All those things- all the nice little chats you have, all the breakfast dates shooting the shit over fucking coffee... It's like you don't even realise what it is that you did!"
Lily seethes, and the Mayor frowns as she recognises genuine hate in the younger woman's eyes. Continuing with caution, she watches as Lily begins to pace back and forth with her hands shoved into the pockets of her jeans and thunder playing across her brow.
"What did I do?"
"You cast a fucking curse! Or did you forget that?"
"Look, I realise I made mistakes in the past, but-"
"-Mistakes?! I grew up without my mother because you kept her trapped under a damned library for twenty-eight years! Yes, I can blame Snow and Charming for some of the shit I had to deal with, but it all eventually comes back to you and everything that you did. Without you around, I could have had a normal life, a good life, I could have been happy! Just seeing you when I'm in town makes my blood boil. I hate you, deeply and absolutely, I hate you. But do you want to know the part that just pisses me off over everything else, now? It's that you speak to Emma as though you're her friend. You go to her for advice, you ask her for help, you expect her to be there for you... I can't understand how you could think you'd have a right to do that after everything you did!"
Lily stops her pacing and turns to face the brunette; challenging her. Regina bites the tip of her tongue nervously, thrown by the younger woman's accusation, and while she answers back in a calm, measured tone, inside she feels a little nauseous as it has been quite some time since her past decisions have been called out for her to answer to. She has spent a long time now building bridges with the others, and sometimes, admittedly, she forgets just how far they've come because of everything that has happened since those dark days of her past.
"Emma comes to me, also. We rely on each other. I don't blame you for hating me, I would feel the same way I'm sure, but Emma doesn't. Maybe that doesn't seem right or fair to you, but we've each put in a lot of work to make things okay between us."
"I can't accept that."
"It doesn't matter, it's not your choice to make."
"No, it's Emma's, and I can't understand how she can make you feel like everything's fine. Everything's over and forgiven. It disgusts me."
Lily chokes, her anger adding salt to her words, and the Mayor shrugs, not sure what else to say on the matter and feeling thoroughly uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry that you feel that way. I can't speak for Miss Swan, however; I can't tell you why she behaves as she does. All I can tell you is that the way she was behaving the last time I saw her wasn't normal, and that I'm concerned about her. Whether you like me or not doesn't change the reason I asked you to come here with me. You may not care for me, but you do for Emma, and she's the one we're trying to help."
"She doesn't need your help, you don't deserve the right to help her."
"That's your opinion. All due respect, but I've helped her numerous times, and that help has been both necessary and appreciated."
"She should hate you."
"But she doesn't. Whether you like it or not, she doesn't, and I know her well enough to be sure that she wouldn't thankyou for speaking for her like you are now."
"No. You know her now. Of the two of us, I'm the one that really knows her. I'm the one that knows all the gritty, unappetising, nasty things that she's done you the undeserved courtesy of keeping tucked neatly away. The way Snow stacked the deck, it was down to me to have to suffer the crappy side of the coin, and believe me, I suffered just fine. Emma was supposed to come out of it all unscathed by prophetic bad luck or whatever, but what about just regular, plain, magic-free bad luck? You cast a curse that led to her dad depositing her inside a wardrobe leading to god knows where in his eyes because you left him no other option; because you wanted her slaughtered... Well, I knew Emma back when she was paying for that threat you made, and I'll bet there were times when she wished you'd just gone ahead and done it. You're the reason she grew up as she did, and stop nodding as if to say that you know all this, because you know nothing. You weren't there. She was my best friend and I spent half the time worrying about her because I knew things and saw things that were going on at the time for her. You accuse me of seeming like I don't give a shit, but I do. I always have-"
"-I didn't mean it to sound that way. I didn't know-"
"-Exactly! You didn't know! You don't know! Emma doesn't talk about things because I guess that makes it easier for her, but it also makes it easier for you... Maybe she can forgive you, but I can't. I don't understand how or why she treats you the way she does, I really don't, and it makes me sick... Now, I accept that if Emma's missing, it's unlikely to have anything to do with you, but don't you ever ask why she might have a reason to be angry at you again, or I'll do something she might not like... Fortunately, it seems like she'd probably forgive me for it. Seems that's what she doesnow."
Lily mutters this last part spitefully with her jaw clenched, before looking up at the Mayor expectantly, waiting for her to bite back. Instead, Regina looks towards the window, completely silent.
"What? You're mad at me? You don't like what I have to say?"
She growls.
"Of course I don't."
The brunette snaps, looking back up at the younger woman with a telling glitter to dark eyes.
"You're right, there's a lot that I don't know, and I never gave that fact the thought I maybe should have. I'm not mad at you for pointing that out; I don't approve of your tone or your manner, but I'm not angry with you for doing so. I regret what I did, but I can't undo it... For the record, I apologise for your part in everything, I truly do."
"Apology not accepted."
"That's your right, but I can't do anything other than apologise, the rest is up to you. I'm not saying that to goad you, I'm just stating the truth. I appreciate the fact that Emma chose to find her peace with me, and maybe I do need to tell her that more often, I don't know..."
"No, you know what you need to do? Get a better perspective on all of this, because your own sucks."
"I can't do anything more than-"
"-You blame her! Constantly, you blame her! For having Hook and Neal and her parents when you felt alone. For messing up some plan or other. For Marion. You gave her so much grief for what was an honest mistake, just like you did Snow. We were good friends back when we were, and we talk now, and she may be picky with her way of wording things and keep most of the drama between you two to herself as she knows how I feel, but I've seen you in action and I know just how you will have been towards her."
"I was upset!"
"Yeah, okay, you were upset. Tell me, at any point, has Emma ever turned around to you and thrown it all back at you? Has she ever bitten back that you fucked up everything!? You told her that you believed she goes out of her way to ruin things for you, and sure, maybe you were angry, maybe you were hurting, but you know full well that's not true! And the fucking worst part of it all is that she tells you she's sorry! She's sorry!? She should be calling you out and making you beg for forgiveness for what you've done, and instead, she's telling you she's sorry and following you around like I've never seen her do anyone, hoping you'll allow her back in..."
"I know! I was there, I know all of this. I hate all of this. I didn't think!"
"That doesn't excuse it."
"I'm not trying to excuse it! I will be the first to admit- at least to you- that I tend to see things in a way that puts me in the best possible light. I don't mean to anymore, but it's a habit. I felt so much relief when I was rid of my darkness once and for all, and maybe I allowed that to help me feel absolved of the past. 'I didn't do that, the Queen did'. In a way, that's exactly what happened, but... We were the same person. I feel guilt for my decisions back when I had the throne, and I have done for a long time now. Snow, Charming... Sometimes they remind me of the things that I did if emotions are high and they're feeling spiteful or needing to put me in my place. I resent it, but not them for doing it. Not anymore. Emma does it less, and she and I had no real history before she came to Storybrooke, and I suppose sometimes I don't pair the fact that she's the Saviour with her role in The Curse anymore. Now, it's usually a positivething for everyone, including me, and I don't always respect the fact that I was the one responsible for giving her that title."
Regina sighs, looking around the blonde's room glumly. Her previous urgency to get to the bottom of Emma's disappearance now feels like a throbbing toothache, dulled beneath a heavy shroud of unhappiness. She can feel Lily staring at her, but she doesn't look up. She regrets asking the younger woman for her help and wishes she could turn back the clock in order to erase the last couple of minutes. Nothing that Lily has told her should surprise her, but she finds that's exactly how she feels right now.
Surprised.
Surprised, and in agreement with the woman stood fuming in the corner.
"I don't know why Emma treats me like she does."
She admits quietly after a long stretch of silence, and Lily toys with her hair distractedly as she senses a drastic change in the energy of the room. She may hate the Queen for what she's done, but she believes the unhappiness in the darker woman's eyes to be entirely genuine. Stalking over to the window and looking out at the unkempt lawn, she sighs.
"When we were first getting to know each other again, the subject of The Curse came up a lot, as I'm sure you'd imagine... I blamed you. I always have... Emma... I don't know. I think she was worried that if she started exploring her feelings about it, she'd open up a wound. She blames everyone. You, but also Rumplestiltskin and her parents. She forgave her parents, so she had to forgive you also, at least by her logic. That's what I think, anyway. She has a lot of anger, and I don't know how she's able to hide it so well now. It must still exist though; anger like that doesn't just go away... You know... I thought I couldn't hate you any more than I did at the time, but when Emma stepped in to stop you from becoming the Dark One... I really didn't believe she would ever come back from it. You all said you knew that she would, and I thought you were all idiots... I was wrong though, wasn't I?... I guess I have to accept that you must know her at least a little, because you said she'd come back and she did. I hate even having to say that out loud, but it's true. You must know her a little... After all, she's not the Dark One anymore."
Regarding herself in an ornate, full-length mirror, Emma strips herself of tight leather so that she stands bare. The mirror is the Queen's, just like everything else in the room. The Queen's room. She wonders how long it will take the darker woman to hunt her down, but doesn't pay the eventuality any concern. She's fairly sure that the brunette won't take too kindly to her intruding on her private space, and this notion lends her a smile. No matter what state of play their relationship has been in, a small part of her has always secretly enjoyed pissing the darker woman off. She supposes the fact that the result would usually be a pleasant flutter low down in her stomach makes more sense now.
A lot of things make more sense now.
Touching the scrape to her sternum, she assesses herself curiously; drinking in the new silver of her hair. It makes her look cold, dangerous, and this causes her smile to widen.
Somewhere down the hall, she catches the sound of doors being wrenched open and slammed shut as the Queen seeks her out. Making her way over to the darker woman's bed, she tracks footprints through the dust before climbing up onto silk covers and lying back with one hand draped lazily over the bare flesh of her stomach. Closing her eyes and thinking back to a conversation she'd had with Regina several months ago, her brow furrows as she concentrates, before once more smoothing out as a grin touches her lips and she strokes the cracked spine of the book now lying at her side. Hearing the telling creak of the door being pushed open, she closes time-yellowed pages in a tight grip and greets the Queen with a wicked smirk as the latter spills across the threshold.