Breaking the silence

Like I'm bursting at the seams

So many stifled thoughts

And long-forgotten dreams

Scream hallelujah

I can almost taste reprieve

Your iron rule has often

Had me on my knees

Chapter 15: A Shot in the Dark

Alice POV:

"Alice, I miss being human."

Her words absolutely tore at my heart. They were dripping with emotion, so much that I had never heard from her, not even during the peak of our relationship. I continued my gentle caressing of her face, this was her time to speak.

"I lied to you before. I'm sorry." She hung her head in shame again, kissing my palm as she did. I chose my next words very carefully, wary about scaring her.

"Why did you lie?" I hoped it wasn't because of me or what she thought I wanted to hear. Bella sighed and continued to talk into my palm, refusing to meet my eyes.

"Because I've been lying to myself. I thought-I thought it would make it easier." It was like she was taking a jackhammer straight to my chest. As badly as I wanted to sob for her, I kept myself together. "I didn't want to hate myself any more than I already did. Because-because there's nothing I can do about it."

"Bella." My voice came out weak, laced with sorrow. "Please look at me." I angled her head with my hand and she finally looked up. Her face was in pure agony, a combination of guilt and self-hatred.

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. Please don't ever be." I nuzzled into her neck while she cried, hating every second she did. There was nothing I could say or do to make this better, and that's the worst feeling in the world for a mate. Of course I missed her being a human as well, that's when I fell in love with her. But really most of my unsettling feelings about who she was now was not because of anything she did, it was how she was forged. I had painful nostalgia about her human innocence and carelessness, and mostly anger about what could have been. Would she still hate this life so much if I had brought her into it? Unfortunately I had a pretty good idea what the answer would be, and it didn't help my state of mind.

Bella cried softly for most of the night. It wasn't the violent sobbing I imagined was in her, but at least it was a release of some sort. When it finally ceased, and I felt comfortable enough to break our embrace, I pulled away and sat across from her. We were still very close, I needed some form of contact after spending so long with none.

"Um, I have something for you." I reached under the collar of my shirt and tugged on the chain I had been wearing for so long. With one hand I reached out to grab Bella's, and with the other I placed her old dog tags in her palm. She looked down at them, obviously remembering exactly how she parted with them. They were still coated in her dry blood, the smell was comforting to me in her absence.

"I promised I would come back. I'm sorry it took me so long." We had reached the dreaded talk.

"I know. Zoey told me. And please stop apologizing."

"Fuck Alice, I can't stop apologizing. I mean, I knew what was in that hall, but I still went anyways. You should hate me. I left you."

"Bella stop. How could I possibly hate someone who would be so selfless? You went to help someone in need, someone you love and care for. Which just proves how good you are. There was not a second that I was angry with you, and that's the truth." She was silent again, picking at the fabric on the cot.

"They took your ring." I sighed and took her left hand in mine, tracing her bare ring finger.

"I know." I had noticed this right when she was brought back, but I worried it was her that had taken it off in the non-humanity phase. But of course it was the Volturi. It was always the fucking Volturi.

"I don't like not having it. I feel naked."

"I'll get you a new one."

"It's not the same."

"I know, but as long as I have you, it doesn't matter. I'll get you a hundred more rings, as long as I have you." I said it as a confirmation of my love, but also as a question for her. Did I still have her?

"You do." She squeezed my hand for reassurance. I missed her warmth and crawled back into her lap, molding myself into her body. Bella wrapped her arms around my waist and kept our fingers entwined. She even leaned down to kiss the top of my head before resting her cheek there.

This was the sign I had been waiting for. We were ok. Nothing could or ever would tear us apart.

Four Days Later

Things have been getting better each day. Bella moved back upstairs with me three days ago and I couldn't be happier about it. We've found that she does better with a set schedule, nothing to throw her off. She'd get up, go for a run, have breakfast, spend the afternoon with either me, Jake, or Liam, have lunch, play games or read with various members of the family, have dinner, go for another run, take a shower, and then go to bed. Her emotions were pretty stable, nothing extreme. It was a quiet life, but it was miles better than how things were.

The other day she played video games with Emmett and he was so worried about scaring her off that he lost within the first two minutes. But he didn't care, he was just elated to have her there with him. I still had my concerns about her health however.

"What brings you in today Alice? How's Bella doing?" Carlisle and I were meeting about once a day to discuss progress and such.

"She's still going strong. She and Jake are going for a run right now." Jacob and I had gotten closer over the past several days, almost even friends.

"That's good Alice. But you're still worried?" My father was pretty good at reading my facial expressions. Years of living together pays off.

"She's not sleeping Carlisle. She goes to bed, but she just lays there." He sighed and got up from his desk chair, coming around to the seat next to me.

"I knew this might be a problem."

"What am I supposed to do? Can you give her something?"

"No, not this time. It needs to happen naturally. I don't want her dependent on something when she needs to sleep." I grumbled angrily, I had a feeling that would be his answer. He's been very wary about giving Bella anything after the muscle relaxant incident. "It's going to be alright Alice. While she can hold out from sleep longer than the average human, eventually she's still going to succumb. It's only a matter of time. Just be there when she does, because I'm sure it won't be pretty when it happens."

"Ugh. I hate this."

"I know. I do too. But there's not much we can do."

"That's what I hate the most about it. I hate being useless."

"You're not useless Alice. Your job is the most important, unconditional love and support."

"Yes I know. That doesn't mean I'm satisfied though." I left before he could give me another speech. I didn't want to be angry at him, but really it was all so unhelpful. My body decided to carry me over to Bella, who had just gotten back.

"Oh hey Al. I was just thinking about you." She leaned down to give me a quick peck on the lips, pretty much the extent of our physical relationship right now. But I'm not complaining, I'm just happy she's kissing me in the first place.

"All good things I hope." Bella grinned and put her arm around me. I couldn't help but notice the dark circles under her eyes had gotten more pronounced. "Come on Bells. Shower and then bed."

"Yes ma'am." She let me tug her to our room, eventually parting when she went to shower. I would have joined her, but I worried about taking too big a step. We were avoiding the big intimacy talk. Rosalie said she'd come by sometime next week to discuss the matter. In the meantime, I sat reading in bed while my wife took a shower alone.

"Bella." I called to her softly the moment she came out of the bathroom, fully dressed and towel drying her hair.

"Is something wrong?" My tone was obviously troubled and she caught on. Bella sat down next to me and reached for my hand.

"Bella, I know you're not sleeping." Almost immediately she dropped my hand and moved away.

"Yes I am."

"Bella!" Before I even knew it, I was crying again. Her neglecting her health has always been a sensitive subject to me. My crying did make Bella less defensive however, she slumped and pulled me into her lap.

"Fuck Alice I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shut you out again. I am trying this time, I swear." I sighed and pulled back some so I could look at her face.

"I know you are. It's just, I hate seeing these circles under your eyes. Are you afraid of the nightmares?" She hesitated, trying to find the right words. But I sat patiently in her lap, waiting for her to find her voice.

"I-I don't want you to think I'm weak."

"Bella. Trust me, I could never think that. Besides, I've taken care of you after your nightmares before."

"Yeah but, this is different. So much has happened since then. It's not going to be a once a week occurrence for a bad one. It'll be a daily thing."

"And it doesn't matter to me. I don't sleep Bella, you are not disturbing me in any way." She was still frowning about the issue. "Please trust me love. You need your rest. I promise to take care of you." I pulled her up by the chin and kissed her tenderly. My tongue actually managed to make its way into her mouth this time before she pulled away with heavy breathing.

"Ok." She leaned against my forehead to recover from the kiss, finally laying down after her heartbeat went back to a normal speed.

"Thank you." I whispered while laying down on her chest, humming a soft tune for her to fall asleep to.

During the first hour, Bella kept jerking around, trying to stay awake out of habit. But after a gentle reminder from me, she eventually faded to sleep in the second hour. However, the third hour held chaos.

Bella had started to mumble so I pressed tighter into her chest, hoping my weight would comfort her in some way. This technique had worked many a time before. But tonight it did not, the mumbling turned into a full blown nightmare. She was thrashing around and crying out for help, I immediately went into wake mode.

"Bella! Bella wake up! It's just a nightmare. Wake up." Relief flowed through me right when she opened her eyes, which of course turned back to panic when I saw her reaching for her gun under the bed. Crap she thinks I'm a threat. "Bella no! It's me! It's Alice!"

Her trance didn't break and I prepared myself to dodge a bullet, but her hand turned and now the gun was pressed firmly against the side of her head.

"NOOO!" Without thinking, I tackled her to the ground. A shot rang out and I heard it hit something to the side of us. Bella struggled against me hard, completely blind with terror. "LIAM! LIAM HELP!" I knew the walls were soundproof, but maybe the combination of a gunshot and my screaming would get someone's attention. Bella was stronger than me, I didn't know how much longer I could hold her off for. Once again she was able to point the gun towards her head and I was left with no choice. I grabbed her hand and crushed it into the floor. She was now screaming in pain and still wriggling underneath me.

"BELLA NO!" Liam had finally burst through our door, grabbing Bella in a headlock within seconds. Carlisle came in right behind him with a small syringe. "Carlisle now! Before she hurts herself even further."

"Wait, what are y-?" My question got caught in my throat when Carlisle shoved that needle into Bella's neck. "Carlisle! What did you do to her?" Bella's body went limp right away, not helping my state of mind.

"Relax Alice. It was just a sedative. She'll wake up in a few hours." Liam picked her up and placed her body carefully on the bed.

"Carlisle you may need to check her hand. It looks pretty shattered."

"Fuck that was me. I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do."

"Don't apologize Alice. You just saved her life. A broken hand is nothing compared to a bullet in the head." Liam wrapped me in a hug, comforting me with his words. Carlisle went around to tend to Bella's hand.

"I know. I know. It's just- oh god that was so scary. Fuck that was terrifying."

"Come on. I'll help you clean up. I'd make you a drink to help your nerves, but, you know."

Apparently the stray bullet shattered a few glasses, giving us something to do in the meantime. Carlisle wrapped Bella's hand up while we cleaned, and pretty soon it was like it never happened. Oh, except for the fact that she was still unconscious and I felt like shit for hurting her.

"Alice come here. I'm going to teach you how to make the perfect tea." Liam was back to his former role, distracting me.

"Isn't tea just water and tea leaves?"

"Ah. And that is why you fail young grasshopper. It is so much more." Despite my mood, I cracked a smile.

"Are you quite done now?"

"Almost. Now watch carefully." As it turns out, the secret to tea is honey and whiskey. We finished just in time for Bella to wake up. Liam left quietly to give us some space while Bella sat up, completely confused.

"Ow! Fuck. What the hell happened?"

"Well first, here's some tea. How's your hand?" Bella took the mug with her uninjured hand and continued to scan the room confusedly.

"Uh, it kinda feels like it's broken. Alice what happened?" I swallowed hard and decided to just rip the metaphorical band aid.

"You had a really bad nightmare Bells. I was able to wake you up, but you were in this kind of trance and-and you kind of tried to shoot yourself." My voice had turned into a small squeak at this point.

"Fuck. Fuck! Fuck Alice I'm so sorry."

"Well I'm the one who's sorry. I broke your hand. It's just, you were struggling and I didn't know what else to do."

"Fuck Alice!" I cringed away, fearing that she was mad at me for what I did. "I knew this would happen! This is why I didn't want to sleep!" She stood up and started pacing our room angrily. Normally I would have let her go, not wanting to make things worse, but it had been a long night.

"Bella stop being fucking stupid! You have to sleep!" I stood up to face her, although she towered over me quite intimidatingly. "You're being an idiot!"

"What?" She looked pretty pissed right now and I was about to say mercy and drop it, but I had a sudden idea.

"Ok. Remember when I refused to hunt all those months ago? And I told you I could handle it on my own? What did you do?"

"I went hunting with you and it was a shit show, much like this." I rolled my eyes and scoffed at her comment.

"Don't be an ass." She sighed and seemed to soften a bit.

"Sorry."

"It's alright. Now, remember that feeling you got when I was starving myself out of fear?"

"Yes." She grumbled, knowing exactly where I was going with this.

"That's exactly how I feel about you not sleeping. Yes, tonight was scary as hell and kind of a disaster, but it's always going to get worse before it gets better. That was only your first try at sleeping again, it was bound to not turn out well. I promise you it will get easier."

"You're right." She sighed and I pulled her into my arms, rubbing her back softly. "I'm sorry Al. It's- it's all been really, really tough."

"I know. But you don't need to pretend like everything is ok for me, alright? I want you to tell me what's bothering you, what's not working. Can you do that for me?"

"Yeah. Yeah I think I can. Thank you Alice." I gave her a small kiss and led her back to bed.

"Good. Now, sleep?"

"Yeah, alright."

"Thank you." I helped her get settled in, cradling her broken hand with my cool one. "What time do you want me to wake you for your run?"

"Actually, can we spend tomorrow just talking? We haven't really talked the big stuff yet."

"Are you sure? I mean, we could make it apart of the schedule…"

"Fuck the schedule. I'm tired of feeling like a patient." Unfortunately her remark sent me into a fit of giggles. "What? That wasn't really a joke Alice. What's so funny?" I quickly ceased my laughter and put my serious face on.

"Nothing, I'm sorry. You just reminded me of my stubborn beautiful wife that I married so long ago." She grinned at me and scooted over for another kiss.

"I love you." It was the first time she said it since. My heart felt like exploding with joy.

"I love you too."

A/N: Bella's POV will be returning next chapter! I decided against it during the non humanity part since she wasn't really supposed to have sense or rational thinking. And then it would just be depressed as hell these past chapters, but now it is returning. I kinda missed writing for her.