A/N: So it's 4am and I'm writing. Guess you could say this chapter is named after the state of my mind right now. Oh lordy. Anyways, beginning of the chapter is rated M, kinda. You'll see. Thank you all dearly my loves.

For you, there'll be no more crying.

For you, the sun will be shining.

And I feel that when I'm with you,

It's alright, I know it's right.

To you, I'll give the world.

To you, I'll never be cold.

'Cause I feel that when I'm with you,

It's alright, I know it's right.

And the songbirds are singing, like they know the score.

And I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before.

Chapter 19: The Mind is a Strange Place

Bella POV:

One Month Later

"Mmmmmm… I missed this."

"Yeah, me too." Alice repositioned herself in my lap, her hair was now tickling my chin.

We had finally gotten around to a little more intimacy involving our bathing routines. In other words, Alice got fed up with my lacking hair care and decided it was just time to do it herself. So after the first several awkward showers, she got my hair and body back to its old wonderful smell. Eventually I was able to convince her to take a bath with me, secretly because I was trying to get further in our current sex life and baths always seemed to get her touchy feely. The woman wouldn't let me get past second base, and if somehow I was able to sneak my way further, my fucking mind would betray me and cause a scene. My life is a living hell.

"I know what you're trying to do you know."

"What do you mean?" I asked in my most innocent voice. Her body vibrated in a small chuckle and she caressed my hand.

"You're so obvious. Every time you try to get in my pants you have this look in your eye. You do know we're married right?"

"So then why did you agree to this?"

"Because I love you. And it has been a very long time, so I figured a bath might relax you." Her words took their own sweet time sinking into my brain, and I almost choked when their meaning finally hit me.

"Wait, do you mean…?" Alice heard my heartrate go skyrocketing and hushed me down by putting her hand over it.

"Calm down love. I'm not promising anything. But, I won't stop you, as long as you promise to take a reasonable pace." My body was now positively quivering with excitement, I was debating on whether or not to just throw her out of the tub right now. "Just relax. That's kind of the point of this. I would like to lay here undisturbed for a little while longer, ok?"

"Y-yeah. Yeah that's fine." She molded back into my body and let out a content sigh. Alright. This was nice. I inhaled her deeply, drowning in her scent, and leaned us back again.

"Thank you."

The rest of the bath was pleasant, lasting for quite a while longer. I was thankful that Alice calmed me down when she did, the more relaxed I was, the better. After a while she turned to face me, cupping my cheek, and pressed her lips softly against mine.

I was doing my best to not jump the gun, but it was proving difficult. She hadn't initiated anything in weeks, so it was hard to contain myself when she did. But I let her have her way with my lips, not daring to touch her myself, for that would end what control I had.

"Bella." She husked lowly in my ear. Aaaaaand gone.

Without wasting another second, I swept her legs up underneath her and lifted us both out of the bath. She never broke her eye contact with me, only increasing my arousal. Something was stirring in my lower abdomen, something I hadn't felt in a very long time. I couldn't even imagine how bad this was for her, we hadn't had sex since our honeymoon, and that was months and months ago.

"Keep calm. Focus on your breathing." Alice whispered as I set her down carefully on the bed. I hadn't realized how erratic and hard it had gotten until she said something. I took a deep breath and swallowed it down, doing what she said and focusing on a rhythm, in and out. "Good."

She made it so easy, like she was teaching me a simple math problem.

I went back to her lips, savoring their distinct taste, the way her tongue moved against mine. Alice began to squirm underneath me so I pinned her down with my hips, earning me a growl of disapproval.

"Easy Al. Slow, remember?"

"Sorry. It's just, you look really good right now." She propped herself up and bit down on her lip, her eyes raking over my body. Fuck. That was her fuck me look. I couldn't keep slow with that look.

"God help me." I moved to kiss my way down her chest but she slid her thigh in between mine and I lost the ability to think.

"You think too much." She whispered before capturing my lips with her own, I'd never agreed with her more. Alice tugged on my hair hard, making me lose my balance and fall onto her completely. She giggled and moved her leg against me again, hitting a nerve that made my muscles jerk.

"Fuck. Ok." I mumbled on her laughing lips, positioning myself between her legs in turn. "Ok." One of my hands caressing her face and the other holding me up above her, she was so beautiful.

"Are you sure?" She had suddenly become hesitant, studying my features for any signs of breaking.

"Are you really asking me that right now?" I leaned down and gave her a gentle kiss to let her know I was all there.

"Mmmmm…" Her eyes glazed over in satisfaction, a small smirk coming back over her face. "Ok." Alice embedded her hands in my hair again and I carefully moved my hips forward.

We both let out embarrassingly loud moans. The animalistic side of me wanted to go hard and fast, but the human side of me was fighting it, leaving me with awkward jerky movements. Alice had to finally step in and take a hold of my hip with a hand, making me subject to her pace. I was grateful for it.

"Thanks." I whispered shakily.

"It's no problem. Like I said, focus on your breathing. It will help." I nodded and did as she said, closing my eyes to help concentrate. "There we go."

It was slow, careful movements. Alice kept cooing sweet nothings in my ear to keep me grounded throughout. For once in my life I wasn't throwing caution to the wind and wanting more, I was perfectly content where I was, grinding on each other deliciously.

After several minutes of this, our breathing picked up, our hips moving slightly faster against the other. My heartbeat went off on its own accord, Alice's skin felt too good. So smooth, cool to the touch. Like his.

No.

"No."

"Are you ok?" Alice asked between breaths. I nodded mutely and buried my face in her neck, never ceasing our movements. She was now trembling slightly, her muscles twitching very lightly in the way that told me she needed more friction. I complied, giving my mind something else to focus on other than that.

I inhaled her scent deeply so she and she alone was the only thing I could smell. It was the only thing I wanted to smell. So sweet. Like his.

No! No no no.

I screwed my eyes shut and dug harder, trying to focus back on my breathing as Alice had told me. But it was back to erratic, only causing me to panic more. My fingers were ripping the fabric underneath them in my effort.

Alice. Think of Alice.

"I'm trying!" Once again I had lost control of my mouth. Alice stopped moving and grabbed my neck to try and pry my face to hers, but my muscles had clamped up and I was immobile.

"Bella stop! Look at me! Stop." She had gotten a good grip on my head and pulled me up.

I felt weak. Useless. The shaking and tears started before I could even comprehend their presence.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I can't- I can't- I'm so-" Alice immediately sat up and cradled my head against her chest.

"Shhhhhh. Stop. It's ok. Bella it's ok." She rocked me back and forth, smoothing my hair as she did. Her quiet hushing calmed me down to soft crying. I still felt like utter crap. Not even worthy of her comfort.

"I-"

"No. Just let it out. You don't need to apologize or explain anything to me. Please do me and yourself a favor and just let something out without snuffing it. Ok?" I nodded and gave her a sniffly yes. She pulled a spare blanket over the both of us and let me cry my heart out.

I would have been more embarrassed at the sounds I was making, but I had opened a dam at this point. My perfect wife held me through it the entire time, encouraging me throughout. She whispered careful words in my ear and feathered my head with butterfly kisses.

"I'm sorry." Hours later I had gained my strength and voice back.

"Don't be. I love you." She leaned down and kissed my forehead before helping me up. "I'll go get us some clothes." She jumped swiftly from the bed and rummaged in the closet for a few moments before returning fully dressed with sweats and t shirt in hand for me.

"Thank you." I put them on and went to sit on my side of the bed, but Alice pulled me back in her lap.

"Can I hold you for a little longer?"

"Yeah." She thanked me and I relaxed back into her embrace. After a while she began to hum, running her fingers through my hair softly. She was lulling me into a nice slumber and I didn't have the energy to fight it, so I just let it carry me away.

"Wake up dumb-ass." Something hard flicked my nose and the warm sheets were ripped off my body.

"Whaaaa?" Light streamed into my groggy eyes and I searched for the culprit waking me at this ungodly hour. What time was it anyway?

"It's one o'clock in the afternoon. I've sat here waiting long enough. It's time to get up lazy bones." Of course Rosalie Hale was the suspect. She was standing over me with my sheet in her hand and a smirk playing on her lips.

"Where's Alice?" A quick scan of the room showed me she was nowhere to be found.

"She went hunting. I'm here for you." Ugh great. I had a feeling I knew what she was here for. She sensed my hesitance and threw me a pair of jeans. "Get dressed. We'll go for a walk. Do you want some breakfast? Or lunch really."

"Um…." I stumbled into the jeans and looked over to my kitchen where Rosalie was currently working. "You cook?" She let out a laugh and continued her work as I approached her.

"I was born in 1915 Bella. Any woman who hoped to marry knew her way around a kitchen."

"Oh." I scratched my head stupidly, I was still pretty damn out of it after that rude awakening. "Alice was born in 1901, she didn't know how to cook."

"Alice is kind of weird. I don't know if you've noticed." I laughed and nodded, grabbing a mug from a cabinet. "Coffee's already made."

"Shit Rose. I'm impressed." I poured myself a cup of steaming coffee from the pot and watched her finish up some eggs on the stovetop.

"I'm impressive." She shrugged and plopped them onto a ready plate, handing it to me with a fork. I smiled and thanked her, eating my breakfast quickly to get this show on the road. "Jesus, how did you not choke?" Rosalie snatched my plate the second it was clean.

"Why can't anyone let me wash a dish in this family?"

"Because we're just trying to be nice, you suck at it." I rolled my eyes and she finished up. "Come on. We're losing daylight slowpoke."

"Yes ma'am." I followed her closely as she led us outside, waiting for her to start the conversation. I was not up for initiating anything I didn't want to.

"Soooo…" Rosalie said after about fifteen minutes of silent walking. My stomach dropped miserably.

"So." Like I said, I wasn't for initiating.

"Alice told me what happened last night. But, you probably knew this already, otherwise, why would I be here?" I nodded and mumbled something incoherent, concentrating solely on what my feet were doing. "Anyways. I wanted to have a little chat with you about it."

"Ok."

"Would you rather talk and walk or sit down for this?" I contemplated her question for a few moments. If I was moving, I'd feel less trapped. Yes, walking was the clear better choice.

"Walk and talk, if that's alright with you?"

"I was the one who suggested it wasn't I?" She smiled and continued on, keeping me about one step behind her. "You're upset, aren't you?"

"Obviously."

"Frustrated? Angry?"

"Please don't pretend to be Carlisle in his numerous therapy sessions. We both know those didn't work." My patience was wearing thin, and I was tired of this being a problem, because it always was. It always would be.

"I'm not. Trust me I know. I'm just trying to figure you out. You're not the most expressive person." She spoke sincerely and turned to face me with a puzzled look on her face.

"So I've heard. But I feel as though these emotions you're asking me about are pretty fucking given." Rosalie smirked and turned back around.

"Agreed." There was silence for some time after this.

What the hell is her game plan here? Walk me deep into the woods and ask me about my feelings? If this was her big idea then I'm royally screwed.

"Why don't you talk to Alice about it? Or me for that matter?" Her words were traced with pain and hurt, she felt betrayed.

"Because I don't want to."

"Bella."

"Because it doesn't matter!" God this stupid fucking subject made me so touchy. "It doesn't fucking matter Rose! Just drop it because there's nothing I can do about it!" By the end of it I was breathing hard and shaking slightly, and of course I felt bad for yelling at her. "Sorry."

"That's why it bothers you so much, because you can't do anything about it. Right?"

"Rose. Please." I just wanted her to leave it alone, and I really didn't want to get angry at her again.

"No Bella. Tell me. Tell yourself!"

"Of course that's why I'm pissed! Wouldn't it bother you? If you hadn't been able to kill all those men who did that do you? Wouldn't it?!"

"Yes it would. I would probably never be able to move on like I did." My strength had gone after the multiple outbursts and I fell on the nearest rock, still trembling. Rosalie carefully placed herself across from me. "I'm sorry Bella. I didn't mean to upset you." She reached for my hand and held it while I continued to calm myself.

"It's alright. I'm sorry for yelling at you. Again."

"Don't be." We sat in the silence for a while, or at least, as much of a silence the forest gave us. "But, I want you to know that it does matter. And you will get your vengeance one day, I just know it." She had a sort of evil gleam in her eyes, I'm sure she was thinking about what she did so many years ago, and how good it felt. I shrugged and got up from the rock.

"We'll see." I extended my hand to help her up and she took it happily.

"That we will." Rosalie and I walked side by side back, and not a moment too soon. I missed the hell out of Alice already.

"Bella!" My favorite sound in the whole world greeted me as we closed in on our building, Alice rushed into my arms and crushed me in a hug.

"Hey Al. How was your hunt?" She popped her head up on my chest and looked up at me with bright golden eyes. "Looks good I see." Alice giggled and hopped up to peck my lips.

"I missed you." She cooed and reached up to straighten my hair up, I think I still had bed head.

"Yeah. I missed you too. Rosalie isn't a pleasant alarm clock."

"Rose! I told you to let her sleep in!" Alice cried out at her sister, Rosalie only smiled and flipped her hair.

"She slept until one o'clock, I couldn't wait any longer. Sorry I don't find her sleeping to be 'the cutest thing ever'." Alice gasped at Rose's embarrassing reveal and the two bickered all the way back to their house. I only found Alice more adorable after this new information and I kept my arm draped around her.

"How are you ladies doing this afternoon?"

"Ew. Emmett you make everything sound creepy when you say it like that." Alice scrunched her face up in her cute disgusted way and I chuckled at it. Rosalie went over to kiss her husband and I led us over towards the couch where Zoey and Liam were seated.

I was finally able to be around humans a couple weeks ago. There was still a little burn in the back of my throat when I was in close proximity, but Zoey was worth it. Unfortunately they still hadn't cleared me back for mission work because of this. Me being near humans that may get wounded was not a good recipe. My job was to keep a level head under stressful situations and get everyone home. I couldn't very well do that if I went into a frenzy if someone got a papercut. Oh the irony was not lost on me.

"What've you been up to?" Liam asked as soon as we sat down. Alice let me answer, deciding it was best that way.

"Um, I slept in. Went for a little walk." My answer was vague enough that everyone know not to pry.

"Sounds good. Anyways, Zoey and I were about to head out and go to dinner in the city. It's been a while since I took this gal on a proper date." They both got up and Liam gave me a wink before the two of them left.

"You know…" Alice started in her sly wanting something voice. "You haven't taken me out on a date in ages." She batted her eyes dramatically and even let out a sad sigh.

"Well I can't very well take you out into the town now can I? Besides, you don't even eat."

"Oh don't use that excuse dude. I've tried that." Emmett called out from across the room and Rosalie promptly smacked the back of his head. Alice rolled her eyes and took my hand.

"Come on." She led me out and back to our place, I was getting more and more confused by the second.

"Alice. We already tried this last night. It did not work." I said uneasily when she closed the door behind us.

"Why must your mind always be in the gutter?" I shrugged and she continued to tow me into our living room, leaving me for a second to go turn on the stereo. "We are married you know, and I haven't danced in months." Finally catching on, I smiled and took her hand again.

"Well I'm terribly sorry my love. May I have this dance?" She giggled and did a corny little curtsy.

"I should hope so."

Alice had chosen a soft and slow tune, perfect for dancing. She clung against my chest and hummed along with the song. I always loved the way her spiky hair tickled my chin, it never failed to make me smile.

Somehow, even after all the drama of last night and this morning, Alice made me feel at peace. Made me feel like it was the day before our wedding all over again. So burden free.

"There it is." A tiny voice reached my ears and I looked down to see Alice grinning widely at me.

"What?"

"That smile I've been missing from you. A real genuine smile." I smiled even more and leaned down to give her a real kiss, holding her chin in my hand as I did so.

"I've missed it too."