In my left hand there is the familiar

In my right hand there's the great unknown

I can see the madly different grass there

But I'm drawn to wilder nights at home

Don't listen to your friends

See the despair behind their eyes

Don't listen to your friends

They only care once in a while

I can feel the draw

I can feel it pulling me back

It's pulling me back

It's pulling me

Chapter 20: What's Out There

Bella POV:

Weeks Later

"You are too fucking adorable."

"Oh shut up." Alice pushed me back and rolled her eyes, continuing her fruitless effort at catching a snowflake on her tongue.

It was Christmas Eve and the whole family had gotten into a snowball fight. My team won of course, but Alice wanted to stay out a little longer and enjoy the fresh snowfall. She was easily the cutest thing ever, my little pixie holding out her tongue in hope.

"Here, like this." I tilted her head up carefully. Almost as soon as I did so, a perfect flurry found its way down to her. She immediately released a squeal of excitement.

"Oooooo! It was so small! Do humans like the taste?"

"I mean, it's just water. It doesn't really taste like anything."

"Fascinating." She took my arm, my hand was currently buried deep within my pocket to avoid the cold, and led me towards the forest.

"Alice." I whined at where she was taking me. "We've been out here for hours. I know I'm part wolf and all but I do still get cold after some time."

"I'm sorry love. I have a small gift for you, but we can do it inside. I don't want you to get sick." As much as I wanted to get inside and warm up, I could tell this was important to her, so I nodded and headed towards the forest again.

"I thought we said no presents this year."

"This is necessary and overdue. You'll see." Alice walked us out a little ways into the forest, finally stopping by our spot.

"Why am I worried?"

"Don't be. You worry too much."

"Hello pot, I'm kettle." She giggled and pulled my hands out of my pockets, a sudden serious expression took over her face.

"I know it's not the same…" Alice reached inside her own pocket and pulled out a small ring. "But I know you've felt naked without a ring on your finger, so I got you this. Bella Swan, will you continue to be my wife?" I cracked a grin and leaned down to kiss her.

"Of course." She beamed and slid the new ring onto my finger.

It didn't feel right. It was foreign, misplaced. My finger itched under the new metal as if it knew I was trying to replace its old friend. Of course I didn't say a word of this to Alice, she would be crushed. This was my problem, not hers. She tries so hard every day to help me, she deserves better.

"Come on. I'll make you some hot chocolate." I grinned and grabbed her hand to take us back home.

"You're so beautiful." I whispered while nuzzling Alice's neck. A wonderful tinkling giggle reached my ears after my comment.

It was Christmas morning and I had just woken up to my angel. We both broke our pact of no presents, but we kept it low key. Alice got me a new leather jacket and I got her, really us, a record player. She had talked about how she missed old vinyls and how they sounded, and I loved when she wanted to play music and dance with me.

Around midafternoon we meandered over towards the Cullen home where Liam and Zoey joined us. Esme was ecstatic about having three people to cook for and went crazy with the amount of food. I was sure Alice was going to have to get me new jeans after all this.

"Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum." Liam plopped a glass in my lap and sat down next to me with a bottle in his hand. "Unfortunately I don't have any rum, so we'll just settle for holiday bourbon." We both chuckled and he poured a good amount in each glass.

"Merry Christmas Liam." Our glasses clinked and I took a long sip from mine. "Mmmm. That's good."

"Yeah. I stole it from Carlisle's stash."

"Carlisle has a stash of booze? For what possible reason?"

"I'm a collector." Carlisle came out of nowhere and sat down across from us. "And you did not steal it Liam. As I recall, it was a gift."

"Yeah, but stealing it sounds so much more badass." Carlisle smiled kindly and a thoughtful look came over his face.

"You are definitely my two most interesting children."

"Hey! I take that as an insult." Liam feigned an injured expression only making Carlisle laugh.

"Don't." He got up and patted both our shoulders, lingering on mine for a moment longer before he left to help Esme deal with an overjoyed Emmett who was making a mess trying to build a gingerbread house.

"New ring?" Liam pointed to the hand I was using to hold my glass. I nodded and absentmindedly started to play with it again. He must have understood my animosity towards the new one, so he dropped the subject.

The rest of the evening sped by, it was merry and jolly and all that crap. I was doing my best to keep my attitude in check, especially with how hard everyone worked to get me here. But it wasn't getting easier each day, if anything it was getting worse. Every day I spent here I felt more useless. I wasn't a good wife and I couldn't be, not when my mind was other places.

Alice and I walked home much later, after ample fussing from Esme. Alice could tell something was plaguing my thoughts, but she left me to them, knowing me all too well.

"Did you have a good Christmas?" She asked once we were all settled in bed.

"Yeah. It was nice. You?"

"Yes indeed. I have you here with me." I let out a small laugh and ran my hand over her cheek.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Do we have enough champagne for the party?"

"Esme, it's only Liam, Zoey, and I who will be drinking it. Maybe Jake if he decides to come." My dear mother in law was stressing about the upcoming New Year's party once more. It was only two days away and Esme was going crazy with making everything perfect. Of course Alice was part of the planning as well, that girl loved parties way too much. Luckily she didn't drag me into it, so I got to spend most of the time lounging around with Emmett and Jasper.

"Isn't it about time we left for the hunting trip?" Emmett glanced at his watch as he questioned Esme.

The whole Cullen family was supposed to go for a hunt tonight to prepare for the festivities. It had been a while for all of them, Alice's eyes were a dark amber color.

"It's going to storm tonight." Alice stated, tapping her head as she did so. "And I don't think the family would like to get soaked this evening. Tomorrow night should be clear. Just in time for the party." Emmett groaned and slumped back down on the couch, his excitement for an upcoming hunt gone.

"Damn."

"Cheer up big guy. I'll play you another round." He grinned and grabbed his controller, but mine was slapped out of my hands. "Ow. What was that for?"

"Since I'm not going hunting tonight I need to cut your hair so it will look nice for the party. Start the new year out fresh." Now it was my turn to groan. Alice took my hand and dragged me back to my doom.

The haircut I didn't mind, actually I liked it. My wife running her hands through my hair repeatedly was heaven. No, it was what came after that was problematic. It would always get me so worked up and aroused that I felt the need to do something. Of course lately it hadn't been ending well, which only made me pissed off at myself.

Thunder began to rumble overhead while Alice worked. I was trying my hardest not to let her hands get to me, but they did. By the end of it I was a growling mess and I threw her on the bed when she asked how it looked.

"That good huh?" She giggled when her back hit the mattress. I merely nodded and sucked on her neck, working my way up her jawline. "Bella…"

"What?" I asked distractedly. Her body was vibrating underneath me in a purr.

"Do you really want to try this again?" I knew what she was talking about. We had tried something like this a few nights ago and it ended just as poorly as the rest. But of course I wanted to attempt again. What would life be if people just gave up after each failed challenge?

"Yes." With my word, her already dark eyes went black and she let out a growl before grabbing my neck roughly. Alice flipped us around a second later, her straddling my waist over me.

"Why are you so sexy?" She purred, running her hands down my chest, digging lightly with her nails. Right when her fingers reached the hem of my shirt, I flipped us back over, earning me a disappointed nip from her.

"You are much too dangerous to be on top." She grinned deviously and I pulled her shirt carefully off her body. That little minx must have known what I would do later, she wore her sexiest lacy black bra. My mouth watered at the sight.

"Fuck Bella. Your eyes are so dark right now."

"Lust." I mumbled, not paying attention to anything but the chest in front of me. So perfectly shaped, just for me to touch. I leaned down to kiss them both tenderly, my hand played with the front clasp slowly. "All mine." I whispered as I unclasped it at last, releasing her breasts to my touch alone. Alice moaned when I took one in my mouth.

"Forever yours." Her words sent a sudden pain shooting through my heart. I gasped for air and fell back from her, guilt riddling me completely. Forever Yours, Alice. The sentiment etched in metal, my ring that was so cruelly taken from me. Now replaced with a fraud.

"No." I fell off the bed and onto my knees, clutching my head to try and somehow shield from the memories. Alice sunk down next to me to help deal with this new bout.

"You ok?" She tentatively asked a while later after my shaking had subsided. My nerves, already fried from everything that went on, snapped at her harmless question.

"No I'm not ok! Nothing about this is ok!" I jumped to my feet and went to pace my anger out. I knew I didn't want to take this out on her, it's just I had nowhere else to put it.

"Easy Bella. I know you're frustrated and justifiably so."

"I'm sorry Al. I really hate when I take things out on you." I sat back down on the bed defeated.

"I understand. I can't even imagine how difficult this is for you. But it's like we said in our vows. In sickness and in health."

"In sickness and in health? That's what you think this is? That I'm just some person with a disease or ailment and I'll get better?!" That declaration really struck a chord with me. I already knew everyone thought of me as some patient in a psych ward, but to hear it from Alice, that was a knife in the back.

"No!" Panic crossed her face at the realization of what she said. "No that's not what I meant!"

"Yes it is!" I stood up again, more livid than I was the first time. "You don't think I notice how everyone acts around me?! Like I'm some - some injured child! And how everyone's afraid to talk about real shit!"

"Bella! Please calm down." She was pleading and her eyes were coated in tears. The sight was enough to make me stop in my tracks momentarily. But all the emotions and thoughts I had been holding onto for the past several months were spilling out on their own accord.

"No dammit! How am I supposed to calm down when they're out there?!"

"Who?"

"WHO DO YOU THINK?" I know I actually did look like a crazy person now. I was running my hands through my hair in frustration and I'm sure it was sticking out every which way. My eyes were bugging out and my face felt flushed from the yelling. "The Volturi! They're out there! Free from punishment! And I'm here doing nothing about it!"

"Well what do you want to do Bella?!" Alice had now cracked under my pressure. "Do you want to go out there, scouring the Earth, probably ending up right where we just got you back from?!" She was crying in front of me and I couldn't handle it. Forgetting the storm, I made my way outside for air. I was drenched in seconds, but it barely registered with me. Alice didn't follow as I went to sit on the front steps. I was alone.

Rain soaked through my clothes and dripped from my hair down my face. I couldn't hurt Alice, not after everything I've put her through. But I also couldn't stay here day after day doing nothing. If I waited for my control to be in check it would be months until they let me do something. Our relationship was hanging on by a thread, a thread that would be destroyed if I continued lying to her, lying to myself.

Eventually a strong gust of wind woke me from my thoughts and I realized how cold and wet I was. Horrible guilt ran through me for leaving Alice after that fight, crying and alone. As soon as I entered our home I went to comfort her, she was still sitting on the bed crying where I left her.

"I'm so sorry Alice." I was a monster for making her this upset, but in my mind, the fight was not over. She fell into my embrace easily, not caring if she got soaked as well.

I slept uneasily that night after many hours of apologizing to Alice. She seemed to accept it and let me be.

The next day went by at an agonizing pace. The fight was still fresh in my mind and I was going over my options. The way I saw it, I had two. Either I could stay here and pretend to get better with Alice, eventually causing our relationship to fail. Or I could leave.

Hunt down the Volturi, never stopping until every single one of them was dead, including the guard. Cleansing myself of their deeds. But it would crush Alice. She would never forgive me, that was a certainty. Putting my own life in danger to end others. But I had to. There was something in me, something that would never be satisfied, never able to move on as Rosalie put it, until I had my revenge. So if I stayed, Alice and I would be doomed no matter what. I knew that.

"You alright Bella? You seem kind of out of it." Edward came up to me as the sun was setting and the Cullens were preparing for their hunt.

"Um, yeah. Yeah I'm fine. Just thinking." He smiled kindly and went back to help the family.

"Are you sure you're fine with me leaving? I don't have to go." Alice came over, still concerned about me from the night before.

"Yes you do. You need to hunt love. I'll be fine. I promise." And I meant it.

"Ok. I'll see you just in time for the party." She nuzzled my neck and went to leave, but I grabbed her quickly and kissed her. Putting everything I could ever express to her and how much I loved her into that one kiss. She stumbled backwards slightly after I pulled away, confused by my sudden attack on her lips. "W-what was that for?"

"Nothing. I love you." Alice blinked and then smiled brightly.

"I love you too." She skipped back towards her family and I gave them all a wave as they left, my heart sinking when the door closed. I knew what I had to do.

I rushed back to my place and grabbed my backpack and duffel bag, packing them with clothing and some essentials. I raided my stash of weapons and threw them in the bag, I only had so much time until they came back. It was also easier if I did this quickly, it would already be tough enough as it was.

It started to rain as I finished up, which meant my time was running out. Alice must not have seen this storm. Blindsided I guess, just like my actions now. I made my final walkthrough and picked up my bag. This was it.

The slight drizzle had turned into a downpour by the time I walked out, but I didn't mind. The water soaking my body only disguised how hard my own tears were falling. I took one final look at the place I called home.

"Please forgive me."