I'm sorry for taking so long! I'd try to think of a good excuse, but truth is, I just don't have one. I'm sorry :( . Life got busy and I was a little stuck. But I swear I never forgot about this. It's always on my mind. Thank you for your patience.

We got drunk on this unholy wine
To deliver us from our old minds
A promise of a better time
'Til we're feeling barely human

We don't know what's good for us
Cause if we did, we might not do it
Who knows where our limits lie?
We won't discover 'til we push it

Cause the devil's got my arms
And it pulls me back into the night
But I should just walk away, away
Oh, it grips me

Chapter 32: Control

Alice POV:

I consider myself lucky. I've lived a very fortunate life, excluding my forgotten human life of course. But considering what could have been, I think I've been blessed.

Sure I was turned into a vampire, cursed with bloodlust, but I was also given the gift of foresight. It allowed me to seek out a better future for myself, to become a Cullen. I didn't have to rely on human blood to sustain me. I had a family, constant unconditional love and support, and then I eventually met Bella.

I can honestly say that the most pain I have ever endured in my life was when Bella was taken from me, and I wasn't even the one being tortured then. So yes, I know what has been given to me.

Others in my family were not so lucky. Almost everyone had pasts that they tried to forget. Was that a common thing among vampires? Or was it the fact that if you live long enough, you're bound to suffer?

Now if I asked Bella if she thought her luck the same as mine, she would automatically agree. She'd state that nothing was really that bad, and she was led to me. I wholeheartedly disagreed.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate her positive outlook on life, I mean for god's sake look at me. I'm as energetic and happy go lucky as they come. But I was honest about the hand I was dealt. Bella was too obvious about her bluff.

See I watched her. I watched her all the time really, she was too beautiful and curious of a creature not to be watched. But I examined her when she thought I wasn't, and I could see the shakings and quiverings of a damaged woman.

It was the small stuff really. I noticed her behavioral changes after each time she came back to me, those were quite big. The nightmares were a constant reminder of scars, as well as the panic attacks. But I observed her fluctuations when she switched back to blood as well. That was slightly harder to read. Luckily I had some experience with Jasper.

It all starts off controlled, a false confidence in the ability to defeat their own weakness. Eventually the road would lead down to mood swings, constant cravings, and aggravation with themselves.

Bella once described drinking blood to me as if she was walking down the double yellow lines on a highway. One wrong step, one slip up, and everything was crushed.

"So Alistar said he'd find us if he hears anything of use, but it's Alistar so… let's try not to get our hopes up." Bella had eventually returned from her meeting with Alistar and met me back in our hotel room. She already appeared to be in a foul mood so I slipped off from my position on the bed and helped her take off her jacket.

"Well it doesn't do any good to just sit and wait. How about some fresh air? I'm due for a hunting trip." She paused briefly and contemplated my request, trying to make sense of her varying emotions. After about a minute she turned and smiled gently at me.

"Sure. That sounds good." I grinned and hopped on my tippy toes to give her a thank you peck.

There was a nearby hiking trail that I had scouted before our arrival into England, the forest space surrounding it would do in a pinch. We remained silent on the drive over, something I noticed us doing more often.

"You coming?" Bella had stalled when I exited the car at our destination. She seemed to have spaced out again.

"Um, yeah. Sorry." She blinked a few times, looking slightly confused, and got up to follow me.

"You alright?"

"Yeah. Just a little thirsty, that's all." I sighed and did not comment. She had just had a blood bag yesterday.

"Want to start by that creek?" She shrugged and began to walk towards it.

I was always cautious when hunting with her, not only keeping her close because I was afraid of our current situation, but I was also very wary of my actions when it came down to the feeding. I know animal blood didn't particularly appeal to her right now, but it was still fresh blood ready to be fed on. Plus the fact that her mate was feeding on it, that's a major turn on.

Once I was sure that Bella seemed to be in enough control, I picked my target and closed in. After a brief glance behind me to check on my wife, and give her a quick wink, I pounced on an unsuspecting deer.

Distracting myself with my meal proved to be one of the biggest mistakes I'd ever made. A strong change in winds blew the scent of fresh human blood our way, and in my moment of distraction, I forgot about the very hungry Bella standing nearby.

Low growling was my first indication that something was wrong. I looked up to find Bella sniffing the wind, eyes pitch black and searching for the direction of the delectable smell enticing her.

"Bella?" No response. "Bella look at me." It was as if we were back in Carlisle's office, practicing with the blood bags. I had a large pang of regret about letting Bella get addicted to blood again. Her growling grew louder and I saw her eyes zero in on a direction. "Bella no!"

I was too late. Bella had taken off running towards the human whose fate I feared for greatly at the moment. Left with no other choice, I ran right after her.

She was fast, much faster than I. My only hope was that she'd hear my desperate calls after her and regain her consciousness. After realizing that if I didn't catch up with her, I was sentencing a human to their death, a tremendous amount of speed went through my legs and propelled me towards my dangerous wife.

"Bella stop!" I had finally caught up and tackled her quite violently into the ground, both of us were immediately caked in dirt and twigs. "This isn't you!" I yelled, trying to get through her hunter mindset.

"Yes it is!" She threw me off in a wild fury, wide dark red orbs meeting my eyes. "It is me Alice!"

"I-what?" I thought it would be a struggle to regain her control, so when she turned to yell at me completely composed, I was momentarily confused at her anger.

"This is me! It's not the monster anymore. It's all me!" Her voice quivered with emotion. Rage and disgust alike.

"I-I don't understand. Are you losing control?" My question brought on sarcastic laughter from her.

"There's none to be had Alice. There never was." The weight of her words were starting to hit me and I was suddenly frightened.

"What do you need? Tell me what you need and I'll help you."

"I need that human, dead." And she was dead serious. I automatically took a defensive step backwards.

"Don't say that. You don't really mean that." It was half of a question and half of a fearful statement trying to get through to her.

"Yes, I do." This time she took a step forward closer to me, a predatory gesture. "I already told you once before, I like it. And you're afraid of me for it."

"I'm not afraid." I countered and stood up a little straighter. Our movements were very similar to the steps of a fight. If a stranger happened upon the scene, they would never guess us to be a married couple. "You said that when your emotions were off."

"And you automatically assumed I didn't mean it?"

"I don't know what to think." I shrugged away from her scare tactics. It was her way to try and push me away from seeking the truth. No ma'am, not this time. "Tell me." She scoffed and backed away. I had succeeded in my show of bravery, but not my quest for the truth. Not yet. "Please."

"You don't want to know."

"Yes I do. I really do." My hand betrayed my steady body and instinctively reached out for her. She flinched and growled at the intruder, her forgotten anger resurfacing.

"I like killing. The hunt. It's…thrilling." If I could get the chills, I would be covered in them now. She spoke slowly, as if reflecting on previous memories. My stomach threatened to upturn its contents.

"How so?" I had to keep pushing. She never told me anything that she thought would frighten me. Of course this definitely was terrifying to hear, but I meant what I said when I loved her no matter what.

"Power." Her voice was barely above a whisper now and I strained to hear it. "I never had that power then, with them." The them part did not need further explanation. Naturally it was the Volturi that cause this fucked up need for control. I began to wonder if there was anything they hadn't destroyed in my life.

"It gives you control." I helped out with putting the pieces of my wife's puzzle of a mind together. "If you can control the life of another, whether they live or die, it gives you a sense of influence in yours."

"It's in my hands." She nodded and finished for me. I became quiet.

I knew her change of diet would come to its inevitable fight, but I never imagined it leading to a revelation like this. There were a lot of emotions racing through my head and I had trouble keeping track of them.

There was sorrow of course, for the pain I knew Bella was feeling with this internal conflict. This was a woman who actually sacrificed her life for her mother's when she was human. She was compassionate and had a love for all creatures, and now she was admitting to having a secret craving for hunting them. I'm sure it didn't sit well with her conscience. I was also sad that I had let her endure all this for so long. She had said it when she was emotionless, but I played it down, assuming it to be one of the many things she said to deter me from helping her. Was all of it true? Once again I was reminded of how terrible a mate I was.

Then there was quite a bit of fear in me. Sure she seemed to be in control of her body right now, but how deep did her need to kill run in her? Would even I stand in her way? I don't doubt her love for me, but was that enough? Here I was, quite literally standing in her path towards her desire, and I didn't know what she would do if that need became too great for her.

And then finally there was the unfortunately familiar feeling of anger. Anger at the whole fucking world for what it had done. What did Bella ever do to deserve such a fate? Sure I was pissed off at the Volturi, but I always was. I expected nothing less at this point. This was a much deeper rage at the concept of predestination. Surely that could not exist, not when such a soul as Bella's was fucked over like it was. My brothers and sisters had lost faith long ago at the cruelness of their lives, but I held on. But all this, all this malice that I just had no explanation for, made me lose it. I had one belief, and that was Bella.

A new set of growls rumbling from Bella's chest awoke me from my silent thoughts and sent a jolt of panic into me. The human scent was moving closer and I knew Bella was ready to snap. But did I really want to stop her?

"Bella." Her head snapped to my gentle call, an expression of pain plastered on her face.

"Please don't beg me not to." She looked about ready to cry, itching to go. Her hands shook as if she was experiencing withdrawals. Which now that I think about it, she actually was. The most potent drug was in her reach, and she was very addicted.

"I won't." I whispered, unable to be the cause of her agony. She moved to chase after her prey, but I couldn't let her go without one last word. "Wait. If you really feel like you have to do this, kill that human, then I won't stop you. If you really think that taking that innocent life will make you feel better, please go ahead. As long as you know in your heart that there is nothing else that will help."

And then I did the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life, and turned my back on her to walk away. I meant what I said, it was her choice. Obviously I hoped she'd choose to accompany me back, but it was in her hands. Yes, I was giving her the control that she so desired.

I had been walking for a good fifteen minutes before I lost all hope that Bella followed me. So you can imagine my great surprise when the pitter patter of feet sounded behind me and I heard a far off call.

"Wait up!" A huge smile spread across my face as she caught up with me, scent fresh with not a drop of blood on her. "You really going to leave me all alone in the woods?"

"Not a chance." She took my hand instinctively and it warmed me up immediately. Not only from its actual physical heat, but from its notion of love.

"Thank you." She whispered into my hair before kissing the top of my head.

"No, thank you."

"For what?" Her eyebrows furrowed into that cute befuddled look that I just adored.

"For sharing with me. For letting me further into that strange mind of yours."

"Oh. It's pretty fucked up." Bella joked, but I could sense the subtle warning laced in the tone.

"I know. But I love you all the same."

Our soaring moods remained the same as we arrived back at the hotel and I was pleased with the possible evening ahead. It seemed Bella's forgotten hunger transferred to other famished bodily functions and it appeared I would have an extremely good night until a loud knock on the door interrupted our heated moment.

"Dammit. Whoever that is better have a real good excuse for ruining our fun." Bella giggled at my annoyance as she slid off my body to get the door.

"What were you up to?" I heard the cocky accent of Alistar speaking to Bella and I rolled my eyes and hopped off the bed as well.

"Nothing of importance to you." She replied curtly and gestured him inside. "I assume you have news or else why would you come to bother us, correct?" Alistar sneered and eyed the both of us with a pompous air.

"What would you say if I told you I knew where Caius was at this exact moment?"