It's been two weeks since I left New York indefinitely. In that time Becky had most of my essentials flown here and Spencer has been emailing me all my notes from classes that I'm missing. Apparently his new boyfriends is in my political science class, so I get his notes as well. Felix has been emailing me any contracts and documents I needed to review, sign or add to my portfolio. From the amount of purchasing Jacobs been doing I'm surprised he has had time to sleep. From hostile takeovers to buying companies and selling it in pieces, he seems to be burying himself in work. He stopped contacting me after the first week when I told him that suffocating me was not helping me think. Aside from that, we don't talk anymore. He mailed me all the things he bought me, but I gave them to Becky to give to him when she returned to Columbia a few days ago.
My mom and I had a good, important discussion about school, and she agreed to continue paying for my tuition and dormitories as long as I was to steer clear of Jacob Reynolds. She also tried to convince me to drop my political science class and pick something else up, but I just told her that I would switch projects instead. I lied. But what she doesn't know wont hurt her.
I'm typing away at my laptop when I get an incoming phone call from...Maria? Jacob's housekeeper. The second I answer the phone, a loud crash comes from the background. "Maria are you okay?!"
"Oh no Miss Langa, I've never seen Mrs Reynolds so very angry." I inhaled sharply at the mention of his name.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not in New York right now, maybe you could call Rebecca, his sister?"
Another loud crash comes from the background and someone shouting, "Where is it! Who the fuck moved it!"
Whatever it is that's going on sounds bad. "Please Ms Langa, you always managed to calm him down and Ms Rebecca has already tried and failed. I'm worried very much that-that Mr Reynolds is volverse loco."
I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh, "Okay. I can get there in about six hours."
"Gracias Emma." I hang up the phone and gaze around the trailer. Nearly everything has been sorted into boxes as my mom prepares to move in with Andrew. My home of 19 years is not going to be my home anymore.
Thankfully, my belongings have already been packed in my suitcase for the move anyway, so I won't have to worry about packing.
I manage to purchase a direct flight to New York which departs in 3 hours.
I inhale a deep breath. Am I really ready to see him again?
--
In this heat I can barely formulate a thought. There only a cooling breeze and cloud to block any measure of heat. I curl my fingers around the thin fabric of my top, waving it in and out to create just a little air flow, but it's not enough, like an ice cube into hot soup. As I stepped into the cool elevator the realisation that I would be seeing him again finally registered. Shit, shit, shit. How do I stop this metal box of death and go back down to the ground? I looked at my phone 6:15 pm I can still go back home for a late breakfast tomorrow. But before I could change my course the elevator opened onto the foyer. Broken glass, torn pillows, tilted paintings, what was once Jacob's immaculate penthouse is now a pig sty. Loud, brash music that I recognise as 'CALLING' by the Vamps blasts through the surround sound system, and I can feel the music pulsating through me. I cover my ears as I walk over to the speaker control panel and turn down the music to almost a whisper.
Stomping out of the billiard room, with his white shirt undone, eyes bloodshot from alcohol, bottle in hand, and with a visible stubble over his jaw, Jacob looked absolutely destroyed. He looked how I felt. "I see your holding up well," he managed to slur and seeth at the same time. "Nice vacation?"
"What's wrong?" I ask concerned.
He scoffs. "Other than getting dumped, nothings wrong. I'm making more money than ever before. The tech company I own just got offered a deal by the government," he mockingly covers his mouth and then shrugs "Nevermind, I forgot as my lawyer you signed an NDA and can't tell anyone anyway." There is a long silence that stretches between us. "Why are you here? You're the one that left me."
"I couldn't handle it."
"You just had to tell me. I told you so many times before, I would be there to catch you."
"Well what if I was just to afraid to fall?!" I hadn't meant to snap at him, but the eerie calmness was even more unsettling. "It was all just too much. The articles and the change and the lies and secrets. Ohhh the secrets! You might think we broke up becuase I ended it, but you did. All the times you lied, or kept things from me. How could I confide in someone who wouldn't confide in me? We had no trust, and the way we were heading...sexually...trust had to be so important. And we-we didn't have it. You talk about confiding in you, but I can't ask you about why you are so scared-" I stop speaking when I notice the warning glare in his eye. "Just saying. It's quite a double standard," I murmur. I start walking over to the storage cupboard where there is a broom and dustbin.
"Don't do that," he grumbles, "Maria can."
"No because you scared her away!" I snap at his child-like tantrum and return to my task. "What the hell were you even doing." I turn my head in his direction and he flushes. What the hell? He's flustered. "So?!"
"None of your business!"
"Figures," I mumble.
He sighs and then finally admits at a whisper, "Someone moved your ring."
"So you destroyed your place?" The glass sweeps easily into the pan, but bristles from the broom stick to the floor covered in alcohol. When I walk past him to the kitchen to empty the glass I can smell the alcohol on him, on his breath and clothes. "Jacob you wreck." I walk off to his room. There are so many - too many - memories in here. I start the shower and get him a pair of sweatpants and a Rey Corp T-Shirt. When I reenter the living room, he has returned to the kitchen and pours the rustic amber liquid into his glass. "I think you've had enough," I say and take the glass from him. Thankfully his reflexes are slow, or else he probably would have caught my wrists in his hand, and right now, physical contact between us would ultimately ruin me. "Go take a shower."
He scoffs, "You'll just leave Emma."
"Go have a shower. I'll be here still when you get out." He pauses for a long moment, but eventually decides to concede.
When he re-emerges from the corridor, his hair pokes out in all directions and he is wearing the pants I laid out for him, minus one shirt though. He was half shadow, every muscle on his torso flowing from the light into the dark. He was a living work or art, his tanned skin so tempting to touch; every move giving away his strength. His eyes were locked onto mine, and his walk was slow and calculated. I attempted to hide my gape by turning it into a cough, which incidentally sounded like I was choking. Thankfully he chose to leave a single couch cushion in between us. But even then, the sexual tension and electricity was over stimulating and every hair on my body stood on end. I averted my eyes to the floor, hoping, and willing myself to have strength around this God of a specimen. "So," he breaks the silence, "Are you back for good?"
Small talk? "Hopefully. I mean I really love my job and the people there-" shit. "But I guess I'll find out in two days when the announcement for the scholarship will go out."
"That's fast, I thought you only did that like two weeks ago?"
"I know, but I was the very last person they interviewed. In fact I think they did it as a professional courtesy to you becuase we-" Why can't I stop talking. Something neutral and plain, a vanilla topic. "I'm sorry. I didn't plan on coming here and I'm not very prepared, in fact I should go-"
"No!" he pleads, but in a split second regains his composure. "I meant, no, please stay. I would like it if you stayed."
"I'd like that too, but I don't think that is a very good idea."
"Please Emma. Please don't leave again."
"Oh Jacob. I shouldn't even be here to begin with."
"Emma I'll do anything. Tell you anything," he choked on his last words, but I heard them clearer than anything he had ever said before.
Once again the silence commanded the room. "Okay. Let's talk."
"I want you back."
"I don't see how we can be together again. Certainly not like we were last time."
"It was that bad?" he cringes.
"No. Not all of it. But I felt like I was stepping on eggshells around you. Scared that you would snap at any moment, or leave me when I finally did something that would push you away. So I stayed placate, and you reserved."
"It would be different this time though."
"But your still that person. You have a secret that eats at you and you won't tell me."
"The second I tell you you'll hate me, and never love me or look at me in the same way again. If I tell you I lose you."
"No you won't. All I want is for you to be honest. But if you DON'T tell me, your right, you will lose me. For good."
"I'm working in on it though."
"Working on what?" He just locked his jaw and shook his head. "I can't do this if you will not talk to me."
He took a deep frustrated breath, "What do you wanna know?"
"All of it."
He ran his hand through his wet hair frustrated. "April 4th, 5 years ago." His face scrunched up painfully and he crossed his arms across his chess ask if trying to keep himself together. "A friend and I went to a party. There was hundreds of people, dozens of kegs, every door you open would lead to an orgy, people blacked out on couches, people fucking in the bushes, fights constantly raging awfully close to the cliffs, girls wearing items that would classify more so as lingerie than anything else, beer pong table, vodka and other things that were were less legal. Let's just say, up until tonight, that was the last night that I had ever been irresponsible with alcohol."
He took a long pause as if remembering something utterly horrific. He scrunched his eyes as if the memory brough excruciating pain, "You don't have to-"
"No, I want to. Like I was saying, I just got the Porsche Taycan Turbo S, 750 horsepower, while twist measured 774 lb-ft of torque." I roll my eyes. Boys and their toys. "Anyway James and I-the friend I went with- decided to race back to my place. He recently got a car from his father, and we placed a bet to see who was faster." The bile in his throat seammed to be choking him up further, and he pulled himself into a small ball. "Anyway, it was like 1 am and I've had about 6 beers and was probably high." he looks down into his hands. Ashamed and tortured. "Two of the other guys took bets on the race, and got in the car of the man they thought would win. In the end both Flynn and Oli, who voted, voted for me and got in my car. When we made the cliff face and were racing up the hill, Oli, who was in the back started to tell me to slow down and just cut my losses. I mean, what was 10 grand back then? I was ahead of James, and he didn't like that. Just as we were turning the corner, James tailgated me, and I lost control of the car. In another part of the hill we would have gone over into the ocean, but the side of the car, slammed into a tree." Then his voice croaked and lowered to a whisper, "Flynn died instantly. It's not how it's explained in the books or movies. Death is not calm and sad. It's violent and torturous. I watched him breathe his last breath, the terror and agony in his eyes was unbearable. Blood, came from his eyes, nose, ears and throat. Then there was Oli, he was barely breathing, but he was still alive. I could have called the Ambulance. I could have done something. But I sat there. James opened the door in a manic distress. I got out my phone, and dialed 911, but before I placed the call, he snactched my phone for me and said, 'Are you crazy? We'd got to prison?' I knew he was right, and I didn't know what to do. So-So... he helped me move Flynn's now dead body to the driver's seat. Before anyone could drive past, and before I'd even registered what happened. The police came by later that night. James and I lied. We said that 'those asshole stole my car, and so I got a lift home with James. We played it off as though we had expected them to get arrested with theft. But the police officer told us that they both died. Two days later I wanted to come clean to the cops and say that I was drunk. I mean, by then I had taken full responsibility for what happened. Before I went to the cops, I told my dad, and he said he would handle it. Four days later James was found washed up on the beach. It was labeled as suicide, becuase of the note he left behind saying that he was depressed and over life. My dad told me not to ever speak of what happened and so I didn't. Until now, with you."
When I speak my voice trails slowly, like my words are unwilling to take flight. There is a sadness in my eyes, glossy."Why didn't you tell me that before?"
"Did you listen to what I said? I killed THREE PEOPLE Emma. I lied about it. They are never coming back. They were my friends. And James. He was like my brother. I am responsible for what happened to them. It is becuase of me that they were stripped of ever being able to fall in love, get a job, get married, have kids, basically do all the things that for some fucked up reason I can do!" Small tears form in the corner of his eyes, and wrap myself around him. He is stronger than anyone I've ever known, and now he acts as if holding me isn't quite enough. He has to feel every ounce that I am press into him, every morsel of my love. In that moment of feeling him so close I am awake somehow, more alive than I have been in so very long. For there are times I am as a butterfly who yearns for the cocoon, to be safe within walls, protected. But I can break from from the chain and barrier that was the cocoon becuase he no longer binds me to his lies.
"I still love you," I whisper into his neck. "It's in the past, and it was wrong. You need to forgive yourself, even if you have to be selfish to do so.
I don't know how long I stay wrapped around him, hours maybe? "Baby you going to get a sore neck if you fall asleep like this on me."
"I'm not sleeping," I say nonchalantly, although I feel that I may lose consciousness at any moment. He stands up easily with me still clinging to him, and starts to walk off in the direction of the stairs. "No. I want to stay with you."
"I don't know if that's a good idea. You need time to process everything."
"I don't think I can bear being separated from you ever again though. Please." With a reluctant sigh, he turns us the other way and makes off for his bedroom.
"I'm so sorry Emma."
"Stop apologizing," I murmur. There are days that tiredness comes in both forms, physical and mental. My body needs to rest yet my mind wants it to move, to think, to burn the confusion right out. Without exercise my mind will keep me up all night long, without rest my body will spiral into exhaustion. But somehow, with him near me, holding me and not letting me go, I let my body take charge and plunge me into a deep sleep.
--
When I wake up the next morning, Jacob is sitting at the end of the bed watching me. "The definition of creepy is causing an unpleasant feeling of fear or unease. You good?" I croak.
He chuckles. "Only you would memorise the definition of creepy." He takes a pause and gazes into my eyes, "I just can't believe you're here. I mean, you came back when I gave you every excuse to stay gone, and then you stayed when I told you something that most people would run screaming from."
"Well I'm not going anywhere. But I can't make any promises about the screaming part. But I wouldn't be screaming out of pain or fear."
He smirks at me, and shakes his head in mock disapproval, "Oh Ms Langa. You need to watch your mouth."
"Is that right?"
"I would really like to put your mouth to better use, but I have an early meeting this morning."
"Don't be crass Jacob," I laugh. He stares longingly, lovingly and possessive at me. "What?" I laugh.
"I'm not sure I can bare to leave. I need to see you. Know that your not going to be gone again."
"I'm not going anywhere." I pause, wondering if this is the right time to mention what I need to say. Fuck it. "There's something I need to ask you."
"Anything," he says, taking on a slight business persona.
"I want a reset-not for everything, just...I want to keup us a secret. From our parents, the media...Becky. At least for as long as possible."
He frowns, "I'm not sure if I'm okay with people thinking your available."
I giggle, "Well it's too bad that I'm not interested in any other guys except for you. But seriously, I really need this. Please."
"Alright. But can I ask you something as well."
"Yay! A negotiation."
"Weirdo," he chuckles. "I was actually going to ask you if you would put this back on?" From his suit pocket, he pulls out the ring.
"Can I wear it on a necklace chain to hide it? Not becuase I'm ashamed, I love you," He produces a wide grin when I say that, "but becuase I really do mean I want to keep us a secret. Who cares who knows about us as long as we know what we are."
"Sure baby," he smiles. "And I love you too."
"Thank you." I fling my arms around his neck, beyond ecstatic and smile at him, cramming every bit of joy I feel into it. This apartment that I could hardly bear to enter into an couple of hours ago has now become the perfect place for our reunion.
His answering grin is scorching, completely in tune with the hunger in his eyes and his impatient erection. Again I catch my breath, thrilled to my core when his low tone washes over me, "you're a rare beauty Emma. I've missed this." He runs the back of his hand down my cheek, then lovingly traces the line of my jaw with a knuckle.
Those fevered words ratchet my desire to unbearable levels and when he throws me onto the bed with a predatory glint in the steel of his stare, I feel like it's Christmas – only I'm overwhelmed by choice. Not sure what toy I want to play with first, greedy to get my hands on as much as possible of his flesh.
He crawls up, between my legs where he stops to rid me of my panties. He slings it away carelessly, his ogling eyes never leaving the naked place they covered. He continues to stare, licking his lips – obviously beyond aroused by the sight but there's nothing to hide my intimate folds and I feel exposed, squirming and certain that my blush reaches all the way down there.
He takes his sweet, torturous time – luxuriating in his private viewing activity. He makes no move to touch me but the ravenous mould of his face is pushing me to run up the steps of desire, taking them three at a time. I shift in needy response.
He growls, low in his chest while he grips my inner thighs, pushing them apart. "Keep still or I'll make you." I gasp at his provocative threat and on pure instinct and raw desire my hips tilt up by their own accord, crazy in its need for any contact. His hands slip around, cupping my backside as he pushes his nose into my sex, inhaling deeply.
Oh my fucking my!
"Jacob please," I moan, begging for more.
When he comes away I catch his gaze. His eyes look unfocussed – cross-eyed with lust. "I've missed you, I've missed you so much." His expression a strange blend of pain and elation, whispered words born of desperate need. He swiftly stretches to cover my body with his, kissing me wildly. He raids my mouth mercilessly, our arms and legs tangling and writhing, taking in the exquisite pleasure of intimate contact. He rolls taking me with him and we pause for air, our breaths mingling and faces flushed. With my body on top of his I stroke my hand over the sprinkling of stubble, reacquainting myself with every curve and dip of his face. "You are so precious, thank you for taking another chance on me." Another low hum is his reply and he closes his eyes as my gratitude sluices over him – clearly striking a cord. "Come here." It's a carnal command but I don't understand and I raise an unsure brow. Where does he want me to go, I'm already here? "Come, sit here, on my chest." He pats his sternum. His silky voice is dripping with erotic promise.
"What?" I gulp, but I do scoot up, eager to find out what passionate delight he has in store for me. It only takes a second for me to grasp the nature of the deeply intimate act he has in mind and I gnaw at my lip, my coyness getting the better of me.
My legs are bent with my knees resting on either side of his head. My bottom sits on his chest, taking my weight which leaves my secret opening utterly gaping and vulnerable, not to mention very close to his sinful mouth. I can feel his breath on me, fluttering and making my heart stutter.
His affirmative nod is unhurried but no less compelling, it says that I won't dare deny him this pleasure. With his eyes securely fastened to mine his intent is unwavering and unaffected by my modesty. His sure hands move around and grip my backside firmly, holding me in place. I get a sense of how easy it will be for him to control my pelvic movements from this position and it stirs me, being in his power like this.
With my head bowed forward, the loose tendrils of my hair spill over my shoulders and cover my breasts; only the hard tips of my nipples are peeking from between the strands. His eyes linger on them for a moment before he presses me onto his mouth.
"Aahh," I moan falling forward from the exquisite relief of his touch. I brace myself on rigid arms, my hands flat on the bed just above his head. He takes full advantage of my breasts so close to his face, clamping a hot mouth over the bud and sucking hard.
I shudder and mewl in ecstasy. When I try to right myself to sit up again; he bites down before letting me go. This delight sends my back arching and pelvis thrusting forward, playing straight into his waiting tongue's hand.
Avaricious velvet licks at me with long wet strokes and I lose all reason, focussing fiercely on that one tiny spot of overriding pleasure. His tongue slips inside me and my body tenses at the unexpected intrusion before avidly relaxing into it, slicking in response.
He usually likes to watch me react to his ministrations but now his eyes are closed and rapture is what I read on his face. It's such a turn on, I can barely watch through my heavy lids for fear of spontaneous combustion.
The shallow penetration of his smooth tongue is doubly erotic because I can watch his face contorted with pleasure while he's devouring me. He breaks the contact and gently blows on my sensitive, heated flesh, cooling but not calming. I whimper, violent desire slamming into me.
This is so intimate, so hot, so very Jacob. I push myself onto his strong tongue. His eyes crinkle at the corners, indicating a smile at my eagerness. When he flexes his tongue I feel my whole body contract. I can feel the orgasm building, my body awash with sexy sensation.
"Eyes open Emma!" he growls as his hands grip harder on the soft muscle of my buttocks. Then he licks me over the length of my sex, finding my swollen clitoris and the spiralling begins, spinning like a top. My lids are almost drawn but I keep my eyes trained on him until I can't anymore as my back arcs and my head lash, screaming his name in release.
When I open my eyes I'm flat on my back and Jacob is poised over me, lying between my legs as an urgent erection prods for attention at my entrance. I'm still breathing hard and very dazed, coming down from my explosive climax. He hooks one of my legs over his shoulder and rims me with an exploring finger to check for lubrication. He obviously likes what he finds, "Oh Emma!" it's almost a sob and I swallow his cry with my mouth as he plunges into me, right to the hilt.
We moan together and our union is complete. Immediately he starts to move, his strokes long and hard – unerring. His hands curl into my hair, pinning my head in place. His zealous desire is driving him on and I revel in him getting lost in me. He angles his hips, impatient to feel the length of me. We lock our gazes, twin expressions of reverential love and wonder on display for one another.
In moments like these our connection is so strong, so deep I realise why I sometimes think it must be fantasy. Even here, right now it's hard to believe that love can burn so bright, so hot but I choose to trust my senses, showing me this beautiful man, unravelling in the pleasure of being with me.
Watching him I climb again, emotional and physical stimulation colliding to bring me to the cliff again where I pause for a second. He senses my body start its telling tremble. He kisses me roughly before he commands, "come for me baby." I obey and fall – spectacularly, clenching around him, strengthening our lush friction and clawing at his sweat slick back.
Jacob takes his cue, "Fuck!" he spits through a gritted jaw, emptying himself into my depths. Eyes closed he kisses my inner thigh, next to his ear then gently unhooks my leg. He wraps me in his arms, but doesn't withdraw when he rolls us onto our sides.
With languid bodies and tangled limbs we lie facing each other and silently marvel at our dazzling reunion – sated for now. It's an age before I dare to pierce the glow with speaking.
"Emm..." He starts but I kiss him quiet.
"I wan..." again my lips eat his words and I giggle.
"I know what you want to say." I kisses his cheek, the corner of his mouth and chin. "I don't want to hear it." I really don't. "I don't want to talk about it anymore, it's over, we're together." Now he's kissing my temple and trails back down to my mouth where he deepens the kiss.
I anticipated his apology, an apology that I'm never ready to hear. I can't bear to remember that time appart.