Chapter 6: Emily vs. Insaneness

(Emily's P.O.V)

Well...this is a weird dream. I'm at a tea party with my old teacher, and a kid that I saw get adopted. Also they were wearing weird tuxedos. That is strange...but I simply took the teacup and looked at the drink. It was swirling colors. Similar to the ones in the nightmare realm.

Oh. Heck. No.

"Hello Emerald!" A voice chirped happily.

"We've done this before, I'm not talking to you." I said.

"You just did."

Dang it.

"Lalalala! I'm not listening!" I said and got up from the table and started walking away.

"Hey, no need to be rude Emerald! I just want to talk!" Bill said and flew right in front of me.

"Fine, we're talking. Can you get out of my head?" I asked, getting really annoyed.

"No can do toots, I haven't asked my questions yet!" Bill said, twirling his cane.

"How about no. My mind, my rules. Out!" I yelled and pointed in a random direction. Bill didn't move and I groaned.

"Fine, you get one flipping question. One. What is it?" I huffed.

"Who are you?" Bill asked without hesitation.

"Um...Emily Jewel. That's who I am." I said in confusion.

"You know Emerald, I know lots of things. But yet, I don't know anything about you." Bill explained and my eyes widened.

'You're secret is safe.'

Who ever sent that message was telling the truth, Bill had no idea who I was or where I came from...now I really want to hug that person...or whatever it was...

"Emerald, you never answered my question." Bill said, waving his arm in front of my face.

"I said you could ask a question, I never said I'd answer it properly." I smirked and started to walk away.

"Playing hard to get huh? I like that." Bill laughed and I groaned, but continued walking.

"Come on, Emerald! Hey everyone wants something. I can give it to you if you help me." Bill said in a sing-song voice.

"I don't need or want your crappy help! I know that you have a reputation for backstabbing people so leave me alone!" I cried and suddenly everything seemed to fade to black and I bolted awake.

"Uh...not again!" I moaned and flopped back down on my bed. The sun had just started to rise and a few birds were singing from the tree I was in.

"I need to figure out how to keep that creep out of my head." I muttered and decided it would be best to head to the Shack. Soon Stan woke up and we opened the Shack. Tyler Cutebiker came in and made me believe that it was the nest episode.

"I like to get my Christmas shopping done early. Do you have anything that's in the spirit of the season?" Tyler asked. Yep, episode.

"Tyler, it's summer. Maybe try in the late fall?" I suggested.

"Uh, how about these crystals?" Stan suggested showing him a bowl of 'crystals'.

"Ha ha! Looks like broken glass." Tyler observed.

"What are you, a cop?" Stan asked.

"No, he's the future mayor." I muttered to myself. He actually became a pretty good one in my opinion.

"What was that?" Tyler and Stan asked. Crap, I did it again!

"Uh nothing..." I said quickly and Tyler went shrugged it off.

"Ooh! What is that new thing?" Tyler asked and walked over to the other side of the Shack. Dipper and Mabel then came in.

"Grunkle Stan?" Dipper asked.

"Cane we go to the diner? We're huuungry." Mabel said gripping her stomach and moving it up and down.

"Huuuuungry." Dipper moaned, copying his sisters motion. They then hit their stomach against each other three times. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Yeah, sure. Soon as this yahoo makes up his mind." Stan said gesturing to Tyler, who was looking at a fur trout.

"Do you have this in another animal?" Tyler asked.

"Uh..." I thought for a moment. What animal could he be thinking of?

"I'm fine locking him inside if you are." Stan said and the twins nodded eagerly. We then got in the car and Stan locked Tyler in. Who was probably deciding between a puma or panther shirt. You know what that means...Cue theme song!

Once we where at the diner I looked around at the shenanigans going on around the place. A waitress was hitting a woodpecker on a wall and a beaver in a hole in the floor with a broom. Fingers crossed they're not on the menu.

"Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!" McGucket cried as the caffeine was getting to him. I saw the cops playing with a speeding device and pancakes. Well, at least they know how to use it. I was sitting next to Dipper by the window seat and noticed Lazy Susan walking up to us.

"Lazy Susan! There's my little ray of sunshine! Where were you yesterday?" Stan asked happily.

"I got hit by a bus!" Susan said as if that wasn't a scary situation.

"Ha ha ha ha! Hilarious!" Stan laughed.

"Thank you. Ha ha ha ha hee hee ho ho ho." Susan laughed as well. Man, I wished they went more into this relationship, it kinda seems cute.

"You do split plates, right?" Stan asked.

"Maybe..." The waitress then maxed her lazy eye wink at him. "Wink!" She said.

"Great! We'll all split a one-fourth of the number seven, plus a free salad dressing for the ladies, and a small plate of ketchup for the boy." Stan said.

"Stan, that's not a meal. This is..." I said and turned to Lazy Susan. "Can I have please have the coffee omelette?" I asked.

"Of course you can pumpkin." Susan said and wrote it down on the notepad. "Anything else?" She asked.

"Pancakes!" Mabel cried happily. "Yeah, me too please!" Dipper added and Lazy Susan nodded and walked off.

"Are you all crazy!? Ordering pancakes with the fancy flour they use these days? What am I, made of money?" Stan asked and a dollar slipped out of his sleeve. "Tap tap." He said as he tapped it back into his sleeve.

"Stan, it's breakfast. You can pay for that. Plus the stuff here isn't that expensive." I huffed. Dipper then looked over and saw the Manliness Tester and the free pancakes.

"Don't worry guys, pancakes are on me. I'm gonna win some by beating that manliness tester." Dipper said confidently.

"Manliness Tester?" Stan asked.

"Beating?" Mabel asked and the two then burst out laughing. I facepalmed.

"He says he's... he says he... HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Stan laughed.

"What? What's so funny?" Dipper asked, offended.

"Yeah show him some support." I huffed, crossing my arms.

"Oh, no offense Dipper, but you're not exactly 'Manly Mannington.' Ha ha ha!" Mabel laughed.

"Hey, I am too 'Manly... Manny' or whatever it is you said." Dipper argued back.

"Mannington." I said.

"Right that...which isn't even a word by the way!" Dipper glared.

"Look, face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's... 'incident.'" Stan said and I sighed. The 'disco girl' song Dipper liked so much. It was a bit catchy, a bit. Stan the briefly explained the situation to Mable and I.

"You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation 'BABBA'?" Mabel asked in disbelief.

"No. Heh heh, I wasn't. It's not important. Look, come on guys, I'm plenty masculine. You see this chest hair?" Dipper asked and brought down his shirt to show his chest an it shined brightly. Now I wish I had sunglasses.

"Put it away, put it away!" Mabel cried.

"So smooth! My eyes!" Stan yelled.

"Aw man..." Dipper whined as he let go of shirt. Stan and Mable burst out laughing once more.

"Fine, 'family of little faith.' Get ready to eat your words." Dipper said getting up from the booth. "And a plate of delicious pancakes." Dipper added.

"Yeah, you go Dipper!" I cheered as he walked towards the Manliness Tester and other people who were eating turned to watch him.

"Alright Dipper, time to manhandle this...man handle." Dipper said. He then stared at the machine and I could see that he was starting to sweat.

"And a one and a two..." Dipper started.

"Quite stallin'!" Stan yelled and I rolled my eyes. This guy needed to be more supportive. Dipper then tugged on the handle and the lights started moving up the categories. He kept pulling and the lights went out and stopped at the sign that said 'wimp'. A message card came out the machine as well. With no doubt said: 'You are a cutie patootie!'.

"Oh, what? This thing must be broken. It's totally broken, guys. It's like a million years old, probably ran out of steam power or-" Dipper started to explain and got pushed out of the way by Manly Dan, who cracked his knuckles.

"It's rickety man, you shouldn't even-" Dipper was cut off by Manly Dan pushing the handle with his pinkie and the machine's lights went straight to 'manly man' before exploding and several pancakes landed on people's plates.

"Yes! Pancakes for everyone!" Manly Dan cried, causing nearly everyone in the diner to cheer. A pancake then fell on Dippers head as Mabel and Stan laughed at him.

"I need to get some chest hair and fast." Dipper said and started running out but tripped by a beaver. "I'm fine! Heh, heh, everything's fine!" He called out before running out.

"Stay out of trouble!" I called after him. I know he's probably not gonna, but what the heck.

"Yeesh! How am I related to that?" Stan asked.

"You had a brother who had a kid that got married and had Dipper and Mabel." I said as of it was the most normal thing in the world.

"Uh...what? Hehe...oh, Shermy right...yeah..." Stan said and I raised an eyebrow in pretend confusion.

"Come on, Grunkle Stan. I'm sure deep down you have a soft side too." Mabel said.

"Ha! Nothing in here but a cold, dark, empty soul." Stan insisted.

"Uh Huh, yeah sure." I smirked as Lazy Susan came up and placed our orders on the table. The coffee omelette actually looked pretty good.

"Food!" She cried.

"Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean, I mean uh honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow." Stan stuttered and I cleared my throat to hold down a laugh.

"Ha Ha! Silly!" She laughed and walked away. "Silly man."

"Thanks Susan." I called after her.

"What was that about?" Mable asked.

"Nothing. I don't wanna talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet?" Stan stuttered again and I grinned evilly.

"Was that a soft side I saw?" I smirked playfully.

"No, no it wasn't...stop grilling me!" Stan cried and I could help but laugh.

"Wait just a second. I think I have an idea happening here. You..." Mabel started.

"No!"

"And her..."

"Stop it!"

"AAAHH!"

"Oh boy."

"You have a thing for Lazy Susan! You do have a soft side!" Mable cried happily. Stan quickly placed a finger over her mouth.

"Keep it down will ya!? Alright, I admit it okay? It would be nice if she liked me, but I've been out of the game for so long I wouldn't know where to start. I mean, look at her, she's so classy." Stan said and we turned to Lazy Susan by the pie trolley.

"Spin, ya dumb pies, spin!" The waitress cried as she hit the machine.

"I don't know, I can see you guys being a couple." I said thoughtfully. Mabel then pulled Stan's face up to hers.

"Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we will get Lazy Susan to like you because nothing is stronger than the power of-" Mabel vowed.

"Love?" Stan guessed.

"Mabel. To victory!" Mabel cheered and stuffed the pancake in her mouth.

"This should be interesting. We are gonna get Stan a date!" I cried happily.

"Yeah!" Mabel cheered.

"But first we are gonna finish breakfast!" I said and continued eating my omelette.

"Yeah!" Mabel cheered again and started eating her pancake again.

"What did I get into?" Stan asked himself I just smirked. Cause this was gonna be fun!

Once we made it back to the Mystery Shack Stan was sitting at the table shuffling a few cards. Mabel then came up to him with her camera.

"Okay, Grunkle Stan. Welcome to the first day of whatever is left of your life! First, a before picture." Mabel then took a picture, startling Stan.

"Ahhh!" He screamed the photo then came out of Mabel's camera and she smiled happily.

"I never miss a scrapbookertunity!" Mabel opened her scrapbook to an empty page to put the photo. "Deedly dum, memories." She hummed. As I looked over her shoulder I saw a few photos of me working at the Shack. Mabel then slapped the photo down.

"Bleep. Let's start out with some roleplaying. Soos will play Lazy Susan." Mabel explained and gestured over to Soos, who was dressed up like Susan.

"I'm soft, like a woman." Soos said.

"Also you're the only one who would actually be willing to do this." I added.

"That's is also very true." Soos nodded.

"Grunkle Stan, show me how you approach a woman. Remember this is a safe, non-judgemental environment. Emily and I will just be right off the side judging you on a scale from one to ten." Mabel explained getting out a notepad and I sat down next to each her as Stan walked up to Soos. He then spit to the side and held his hand out.

"Can I borrow some money?" He asked and Mabel blew her whistle and sighed.

"This is gonna be harder than I thought." Mabel said.

"Well no backing out now." I sighed and stood up and walked to Stan.

"Okay, when you approach a women you just say 'hello' and maybe 'how are you today'." I explained.

"What is this 'Be Polite Day' or something Stan asked. I then sighed and turned to Mabel.

"You might wanna get some Mabel Juice, we're gonna be here a while." I groaned.

Later Mabel was now sitting in a chair and and Stan was with her. I had a notepad to take notes on how he does.

"Alright! Let's try to get that inner beauty on the outside. Smile harder." Mabel said. Stan struggled to make a smile that was very unconvincing.

"EHHH...AGGHHH..." Stan groaned and I couldn't help but flinch. It was weirder in real life...yeah a lot of things are gonna seem weirder to me...gotta get used to that.

"Harder!" Mable cried, standing up on the chair.

"AGGGHHH...WEEAAGGHH..." Stan groaned again.

"Perfect! Soos!" Mabel called and Soos came up next to Mabel holding a sandwich.

"Sup, hambone." He asked, chewing his snack.

"Wha'd'you think?" She asked and Soos's eyes wodnedd when he saw Stan.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" He crepes and threw his sandwich in the air before running out of the Shack. Soos burst out through the door, leaving it swinging on its hinges. The sandwich fell down and I caught it with my hand and placed in the table.

"He'll be fine..." I said and Mabel just sighed.

"This is going to take some really great training music." She said and held up a CD labeled 'Training Mix'. She placed it in the CD player and pressed play.

"Here we go..." I muttered as Mabel started dancing and Stan just scratched his back.

Hours later, after multiple makeovers and roleplaying...lots of whistles blowing and a few snack breaks Mabel was ready for a report.

"Okay, Grunkle Stan. You started like this.." Mabel started looking at Stan's before picture. "But you became..." Mabel lowered the picture so see a more uncomfortable Stan with messy clothes, sweat, and flies.

"Can I scratch myself now?" Stan asked desperately.

"No! No, no, no! Is that throw up on your shirt?" Mabel asked.

"I don't know how to answer that." Stan deadpanned. Mabel groaned and ripped up the 'before picture'.

"Face it, Mabel. Your uncle's unfixable. Like that spinning pie thing in the diner." Wendy said.

"I think it's called a 'pie trolley'." I said thoughtfully. Mabel then perked up happily.

"Grunkle Stan, come with me!" Mabel cried, running out the door. "And leave your pants at home!" She added.

"With pleasure!" Stan said and followed her.

"I'm not missing this." I said and rushed after them. Later we made it to the diner and I saw that Lazy Susan was hitting the pie trolley again. We then walked in and we caught her attention.

"Lazy Susan. Listen: I know he's not much to look at, but you're always fixing stuff in the diner, and if you like fixing stuff, nothing can use more fixing than my Grunkle Stan! Also women live longer than men so your dating pool is smaller and you should really lower your standards." Mabel explained.

"So, Lazy Susan, what do you say?" Stan asked and Lazy Susan walked away.

"Uhhh..." Stan moaned and started to walk away but I grabbed his arm.

"Hold up." I said all knowingly. Susan then came back with a piece of paper and a slice of pie.

"Heeeeyyyy! Here's my number. Why don't you give me a call some time?" She suggested.

"Really!?" Stan asked, completely surprised.

"REALLY! HAHA. Also: here's some pie. On the house. For YOU!" She said and then left. We then sat down in the booth.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEE! We did it! When are you gonna call? You wanna call now? I don't have a phone. Let's buy a phone! We can put it on a credit card. Let's get a credit card." Mabel said excitedly.

"Mabel! Let a man enjoy his pie, huh?" Stan asked and Mabel then turned and saw Dipper outside.

"DIPPER! It's me, Mabel! I'm looking at you through this glass! Right here! This is my voice! I'm talking to you from inside!" Mabel cried happily and I laughed at her antics. Dipper gave a 'calm down' signal and came inside.

"Did you see me through the-?"

"Yes." Dipper sighed, cutting Mabel off.

"What's wrong?" Mabel asked.

"I don't want to talk about it." Dipper moaned.

"Good." Stan huffed and continued eating his pie. And three...two...

"It's just these half man half bull humanoids were hanging out with me..." Dipper started.

"Here we go." Stan huffed.

"But then they wanted me to do this really tough, horrible thing but it just wasn't right. So I said no." Dipper finished.

"You were your own man and you stood up for yourself." Stan said.

"Huh?" Dipper asked.

"Well, you did what was right even when no one agreed with ya. Sounds pretty manly to me but, what do I know?" Stan shrugged and Dipper gave a smile.

"Cough, softy, cough, cough." I smirked. Stan gave a glare bu5 I turned away and gave the 'innocent' look.

"Wait a minute, do my eyes deceive me? You have a chest hair!" Mabel gasped. Dipper then checked his chest and it was his turn to gasp.

"You're right! I do! Ha ha, this is amazing! I really do! Take that, man tester! Take that, Pituitor!" Dipper cried.

"Pituitor?" Stan asked.

"This guy has chest hair!" Dipper said proudly, ignoring Stan. Mabel then used tweezers to pull it out and put it in her scrapbook.

"Scrap-book ortunity!" She smiled happily. Dipper then frowned again.

"Really Mabel? Couldn't you have settled with a picture?" I asked.

"Nope." She said simply.

"Don't worry, kid, if you're anything like me, there's more where that came from." Stan said and ripped open his shirt to reveal all his chest hair.

"Oh gross!" Dipper cried.

"Aw, why!?" I moaned and looked away.

"Hahahahaha!" We all laughed and it died down.

"Seriously, that's disgusting." Dipper deadpanned. I nodded it agreement.

Later back at the Shack I came in the family room to see Stan sitting in the chair by the phone.

"How do I get out of this?!" He asked no one in particular.

"Well, you can start by getting out of the chair." I said, making myself known.

"Emily, she's...uh...how do I put this nicely, clingy." Stan said. I rolled my eyes playfully.

"Stan, she likes you. It may have been a while since she's been in a relationship. You should give her a chance. Trust me, it's never to late to fall in love." I said. Stan then thought for a moment.

"You know what, you're right. Thanks." He said and dialed Lazy Susan's number. I smiled and walked out. Well my work is done...hm...there's something I still needed to do...

Later, in the mind-scape with the crazy triangle.

"Well, must admit I'd never thought I'd b able to get in your mind again for a while Emerald." Bill said. I didn't respond and just sat down where I was and closed my eyes.

"Hey, don't even try to ignore me!" Bill warned, but I just snapped my fingers and a light green see-through bubble appeared around me, blocking Bill out. If he said something, I didn't hear. Just some pounding on the bubble. I opened my eyes and smirked proudly. Bill glared and turned red before pounding on the bubble again.

"You may be angry, but this is so entertaining on my end." I said, though I doubt Bill heard me. I then opened my hands and a book landed in my arms. It was a photo album. I opened it to find pictures of Georgia and me, along with other kids from the orphanage.

Yes, Bill got on my nerves, but I need to relax and focus on what makes me happy. If I keep engaging in his battles I'll never win. It's best to ignore him for now.

Cause who knows what this series will bring me.

Author's Note:

Oh Mabel's sweaters, I'm so sorry for taking so flipping long! I had a small case of writers block. Also being away for a few days with no writing wasn't any help either, but I am back and hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think! Hopefully the next chapter will be out soon!

On another note, guess who saw an Axolotl in person for the first time! It was so cute!

Hourglass Cipher: I'm glad you want to know what's next! Just keep reading, and the answer will become clear. (maybe)

Lunar Moon Butterfly: I'm glad you thought the episode was written so perfectly! That means a lot.