Chapter 8: Irrational Treasure: 1 1/2
(Emily's P.O.V)
Well, I'm in the car with the Pines family. Not that different from most days, but if my calculations are correct then it's an episode today! Actually Irrational Treasure was one of the first episodes Georgia and I watched. The mystery twins were in the back eating Corncornos while Stan was honking at the traffic. Mabel then put two of the chips on her ears.
"Haha! Nacho earrings. I'm hilarious!" Mabel cried happily.
"That's debatable. Aw, come on, what's with all this traffic? And why is it all...covered wagons? Oh no! No! No!" Stan gasped and pushed the gas pedal in horror.
"Not today! Not today!" He cried. A few women gasped when he nearly ran them over and he began to drive the car backwards.
"Grunkle Stan, what's going on?" Dipper asked.
"Yeah, you usually don't get this freaked out." I said.
"We gotta get outta here. Before it's too late!" Stan looked out a window. "They've circled the wagons! We're trapped! Nooooooooo!" He cried as his car was now surrounded by covered wagons. Mabel then looked at a window to see a cow.
"I've gotta good feeling about today." She said. Cue theme song.
"Stan freaks out and drives crazily and you have a good feeling about today?" I asked from the front seat.
"Yes, if there's a cow out the window then you know it's a good day." Mabel said as a matter of factly. We got out of the car and started walking down Main Street.
"Man. Look at the town." Dipper said in awe. He held up a postcard and lowered it as the two workers were carrying dirty glass.
"Dirty glass. We got dirty glass! Dirty glass." A worker called as they walked past us.
"Ah, boy. It's Pioneer Day. Every year these yahoos dress up like idiots to celebrate the day Gravity Falls was founded." Stan explained in an annoyed voice.
"It doesn't seem so bad." I commented with a shrug.
"Welcome to 1863!" Toby exclaimed and waved a newspaper around.
"I will break you little man!" Stan threatened.
"Ahh!" Toby cried and ran away, only to crash into a barrel.
"Wow! Look! Candle dipping!" Mabel cried as she looked around at the activities. I then caught sight of McGucket gold panning while repeating the word 'gold'.
"Whoa, gold panning!" Dipper said excitedly. We then turned our attention to a Priest.
"I now pronounce you man and wife." He announced and the Woodpecker pecked her husbands hand.
"I do!" The man cried happily.
"What chu talking 'bout?" Mabel asked in confusion.
"Oh yeah. I remember this." Dipper said, taking out Journal 3. "In Gravity Falls it used to be legal to marry woodpeckers." He explained.
"Okay...that's not something I would have guessed." I admitted. I was seriously weirded out when I first heard about it.
"Oh, it's still legal." Woodpecker guy said and placed a hand on his new wife. "Very legal." He said and walked away as the announcer spoke.
"Come one and all for the opening ceremonies!" An announcer called out.
"Grunkle Stan, you coming?"" Mabel asked.
"No, thank you! Just remember if you come back to the Shack talking like these people you're dead to me." Stan warned.
"You two go on, I'll make sure Stan gets his car back. I'll catch up with you later." I said.
"There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar!" Dipper said, having one eye shut.
"Well hornswabber my haversack!" Mabel said and the two spat in the ground and ran off, laughing.
"Dead to me!" Stan cried, shaking his fist at them.
"Let them have fun. They don't have Pioneer Day in California, this is all new to them." I said as we walked back to the car.
"Sheesh, I can't wait to get out oh here." Stan muttered and we drove for a few minutes when the car suddenly hit a bump and stopped.
"What the?" Stan then pressed the gas pedal, but the car wouldn't budge. He groaned and Steve then walked up to him with a donkey.
"Hey there, uh, donkey boy! Give me a hand with my car, huh?" Stan asked.
"Here in 1863, I have never heard-tell of a 'car'. Pray-tell, what is this magic wheel box?" Steve asked and hit his cane on the car door.
"Ah, c'mon, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete's sake! Cut me some slack." Stan pleaded.
"Slack? I am unfamiliar with this bold new expression." Steve said, still acting.
"Dude, can you just, fix the car!" I exclaimed.
"Hmmmm, tell me what is a 'dude'?" Steve asked. I face-palmed.
"I can't take this anymore!" Stan cried and grabbed Steve by the collar. "I'm getting dumber every second I'm here!" He said as Blubs and Durland showed up.
"Are we gonna have to intervene here?" Blubs asked.
"Oh, look. The 'Constable'. What are you gonna do? Throw me in 'ye stocks'?" Stan asked sarcastically and started laughing.
They threw him in ye stocks.
"Aw, c'mon!" He cried and I sighed.
"Don't look at me, you gave them the idea." I huffed and Gideon, wearing some nobleman clothes walked by us, humming. And of course, holding tomatoes.
"Hey, nice outfit, Gideon. You actually look less girly than usual." Stan mocked.
"Why, Stanford. I'm just a humble tomato farmer, selling his wares. Whoops, I dropped one." Gideon then threw a tomato at Stan's right eye and picked up another. "Whoops, I dropped another." He then threw that tomato in Stan's left eye.
"Ugh! PIONEER DAY!" Stan cried and yelled at the sky. I then grabbed Gideon's crate of tomatoes and held it up.
"Hey, give it back!" He cried and reached up his tiny hands to grab it. A few people turned to our direction and I just put on a smile.
"Aw, Gideon. I'm just helping you carry this so you don't drop anymore. Then your hard work would go to waste." I said in a baby voice and wiped the tomatoes off of Stan's eyes as well.
"Awwwww. How sweet." A women cooed. The crowd then went their separate ways and I smirked a Gideon.
"Let's get these to your stand. Shall we?" I asked.
"We shall..." Gideon said with a forced smile. I gave Stan a wink before we walked away. Soon we came upon an alleyway and I turned to Gideon.
"Remember you're not the only one who can act 'cute'." I said.
"Is that a warning?" Gideon asked.
"A reminder. The longer you keep up this 'innocent' act, the harder it will be for others to forgive you." I said and put the tomatoes down.
"You think you know me girl?" Gideon asked as I walked past him.
"Just go home and play with your dolls." I said.
"How'd you know about that?" Gideon asked suspiciously. I froze in place. Dang it, why'd I say that!?
"You just told me." I said and walked away. That was too close. I gotta be more careful next time. I walked through town and saw the butterscotch stand. Checking to make sure I had some money, I walked up and bought a few pieces.
"Thank you." I said and walked back to stand and placed a few pieces in my mouth.
"Wow, this is better than I imagined." I said to myself and ate another as I headed back to Stan. When I found him I did a double take and saw that he was covered in tomato sludge.
"Whoa...uh Stan you okay?" I asked.
"I smell like pizza sauce and can't wipe it off...give me a reason to be okay and I'll give ya fifty bucks." Stan muttered. I ran off and quickly got a towel and wiped Stan's face off.
"Well, I got some butterscotch, want one?" I offended and Stan opened his mouth and I tossed the candy in his mouth.
"Hmm...not bad." He said and I thought for a moment.
"Hey, I'll find the twins, maybe they can get you out of this. Be right back!" I said and rushed off.
"Hurry up, I'm starting to not feel my legs!" Stan called after me as I rushed to the train station.
I quickly had to buy a ticket, and rush on the train as it pulled out of the station. Once on, I got out of my seat and went towards the back of the train. I quickly checked to make sure that no one followed me and opened the storage car and heard voices coming from inside the giant crate.
"By Jefferson! We seem to be trapped in some sort of crate-shaped box." Trembley said.
"It's a crate, Mr. President." Mabel explained and I knocked on the crate.
"Dipper, Mabel is that you?" I asked.
"Emily! We found the eight and a half president and are gonna be sent to Washington!" Mabel cried.
"Hang on, I'll get you out!" I said.
"Fear not, small Lady Liberty. I have the President's Key, which can open any lock in America!l Trembley exclaimed and I heard the key being slammed into the side of the crate.
"I...don't think that's gonna work." Dipper said.
"I can't find a crowbar and an ax either." I added.
"Wood! My age-old enemy. In order to get out of here, this is going to take the silliest plan ever conceived." Trembley said.
"I think I know who can help you." I could tell that he smiled towards Mabel.
"Hmm. How 'bout... that hole?" I then turned my head towards the tiny hole at the bottom of the crate.
"We will leap through it!" The former president cried and he and Mabel jumped at the hole and I saw his finger peak through it.
"Almost. Almost there Good! Keep pushing." Trembley said in a slightly strained voice.
"I'm not sure this is working." Dipper muttered.
"Trust...the silliness!" Mabel urged.
"Fiddlesticks! Keep going!" Trembley ordered. A then saw a woodpecker fly in and started to peck at the wood, believing the finger to be grub. I then took a few steps back.
"Is that my third wife? Sandy?" Trembley asked. The crate then fell apart and the woodpecker flew off.
"Thanks Sandy!" I waved.
"Well, we didn't fit through the hole. Let's rebuild the box and try again!" Trembley said in a serious tone.
"We gotta get out of here!" Dipper said urgently.
"Also good." Trembley said and we ran to the door and opened to to find Durland, who was getting some ice. He then saw us and dropped the bucket.
"Blubs!" He called and I slammed the door shut.
"Move, move, move!" I cried and we ran to the emergency exit. We climbed the ladder and Trembley attempted to use the President's key to open it.
"Give me that!" Dipper cried as he grabbed the key before opening the door and we ran onto the top of the train. With Blubs and Durland not to far behind.
"There is no escape..." Blubs huffed then knelt down. "I gotta take a knee." He sighed heavily.
"Are you okay? Can I get you anything?" Durland asked.
"Edwin, darlin', you are a diamond in the rough." The Sheriff replied happily.
"Sheriff Blubs, do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere?" Dipper asked.
"Yeah, they are just kids! Pretty sure that's looked down upon!" I added.
"I've got no choice! Our orders come from the very top!" Blubs explained. Dipper then looked at Trembley I'm realization.
"Wait! Quentin, did you ever sign an official resignation?" Dipper asked hopefully.
"No, sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window." Trembley replied simply.
"Of course you did. Also ew." I said.
"Then... technically you're still legally the President of the United States, right?" Dipper then turned to the police officers. "You've gotta answer to this guy now!" He said proudly.
"Huh?" Blubs and Durland looked at each other in confusion.
"As president of these several United States, I hereby order you to pretend none of this ever happened. And- and go on a delightful vacation." Trembley ordered and got hit with a metal sign that. "Ow! Mmm yeeees!" He said.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"Yes I'm fine as long as I don't eat a mushroom for the next 72 hours." Trembley replied.
"Vacation? What place have you always wanted to visit? One, two..." Blubs counted down.
"Silly Water Fun Slides in Grand Lakes, Michigan!" The two exclaimed and chuckled happily.
Later, the train stopped and everyone but Druland and Blubs got off. They were now wearing Hawaiian shirts and waved bye to us at the train departed.
"Bye, bye! Bye now!" The called and the train rolled away. Once the train was out of view Trembley got on his knee.
"You've done a great service to your country, Mabel. As thanks, I'd like to make you an official U.S. congressman." He said and unfolded a top hat and gave it to Mabel, who happily put it on.
"I'm legalizing everything!" She said happily. Trembley then turned to Dipper.
"And Roderick..."
"Uh- actually- uh-"
"You dear boy are on your way to unlocking the mysteries of this great land. So I'd like you to have my President's Key." Trembley said and handed Dipper the key.
"Whoa cool!" He said.
"And you, Jewel. Though our time together was short, I'd like you to have this little trinket." Trembly then handed me a small green item.
"A green piece of glass, thanks." I said. Though the twins didn't recognize it, I did. It was a part of Fiddleford's new glasses. I was hanging onto this. We walked back towards the festival and Trembley was finishing a story up.
"And then he chased me around and spanked me with a paddle for, like, three hours. Bottom line, George Washington was a jerk." Trembley concluded.
"Agreed." Mabel said and we soon came across Pacifica, who was watching some girls with the small maypole.
"Hey, Pacifica! I uncovered a government conspiracy about the eighth-and-a-half president of the United States! Who's silly now?" Mabel asked.
"What? Who is that idiot?" She asked and pointed to Trembley who was chasing a bald eagle.
"Put up your dukes, you bald fiend!" Trembley taunted.
"Be the bigger man and walk away Trembley...was away..." I called after him.
"The eighth-and-a-half president of America. How is he still alive? Well, turns out you can hibernate in peanut brittle and it-" Mabel got cut off by Pacifica's laughter.
"Wow! You really are a sad, dumb little girl. Nice top hat, by the way." Pacifica laughed and her parents laughed as well.
"Good one, daughter." Preston commented. I stuck out my tongue at him. He's my least favorite character.
"Ooh! I see your car is stuck in the mud. Enjoy walking home!" She laughed and walked away and headed to her car.
"Aren't you gonna tell her about her ate-gray ampa-gray?" Dipper asked holding up the files.
"You know what, Dipper? I've got nothing to prove. I've learned that being silly is awesome!" Mabel said happily as she put her sweater back on.
"That's very mature of you Mabel." I said, placing a hand on her shoulder.
"Well, I haven't learned anything." Dipper said and let out a whistle. "Hey, Pacifica!" He called and ran up to the car and it stopped for him. I didn't quite hear to conversation but I've watched the episode enough to know what was going on. Dipper then walked back to us.
"What?! Moooom!" Pacifica cried as the car drove away.
"Man, revenge is underrated. That felt awesome!" Dipper said happily. I rolled my eyes playfully.
"Don't get to used to it." I said and patted his head.
"Children, I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I'll always be right here..." Trembley said and held out a bill. "On the negative twelve dollar bill." He said and handed it to Dipper.
"Whoa. This is worthless." Dipper said after examining the bill.
"It's less then worthless me boy. Trembley away!" He cried and jumped backwards and rode of on a horse, giving us a salut.
"Where do you think he's going?" Mabel asked.
"I'm gonna say... off a cliff." Dipper answered. We then walked over to Stan, who explained his afternoon to us.
"And then Soos came by and talked to me for like, an hour." He finished.
"You've been through so much." Mabel said and Dipper used the key to unlock the stocks, freeing Stan.
"It works!" He said happily.
"So what's with the top hat?" Stan asked Mabel.
"I am a congressman." She said happily.
"Pardon me?" Stan asked.
"You're officially pardoned." Mabel said and laughed with Dipper and me, much to Stan's confusion.
"Oy! You a never gonna make sense, are you, kid?" Stan asked.
"No, I'm not, Grunkle Stan. No, I'm not. Mabel, away!" She cried and jumped backwards and crashed into a few things.
"I'm okay!" She assured us.
"Well that was a fun day, let pull that car out of the mud and get home." I said and everyone agreed and we walked to the car.
Now I just had to make sure the lens Trembley gave me stays safe until further notice, I wonder where he git it anyway.
I guess only time will tell...or maybe not. But in Gravity Falls, who knows what's going to happen.
Author's Note
Yay! Done! I'm so glad I managed to finish this! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and as always please leave a review. Man, anyone else surprised it's August already!? I am!
Lunar Moon Butterfly: I think you may smell romance...do you cause I don't know what it smells like. I always considered it a rosy smell...
mchap1154: The party has indeed started my friend...I'm glad you liked the romance scene with Emily and Nate. It was my favorite part to write!
Hourglass Cipher: Nah...I'm sure that headache was cause naturally...I think...why else would Emily get a headache...hmm...guess we...I mean you'll have to wait and see...