Zombie Cat Science

by Zombie Cat Scientist

Science loving suicidal person falls into the Naruto world. What happens when a reincarnation dies for a second time? What if you couldn't die permanently, no matter how hard you tried? What if the only other 'scientist' around is a sadistic snake loving ninja named Orochimaru and you catch his notice? M for repeated suicide. Psychological fic. Genderqueer semi-insert OC.

8. Lost Kitty, The End

Zombie Cat Science

Alt titles: Zombie Chakra Science or Black Cat Science.

14 Lost Kitty

We had made it through the second stage of the Chuunin exams. Kakashi wanted to pull me out, but I refused, not really fully understanding why he was so upset anyway. I had never been a warm or fuzzy team mate, what could possibly be so interesting that he would have such fondness for me? Although I did admit it was nice to sit together. Perhaps it was the simple desire to help another human being that motivated them; I knew that desire to help myself.

"You really don't have to worry about me suddenly being dead one morning, if that scares you. I would fulfill any obligations I have first before killing myself," I tried to comfort them again, but again it didn't work too well. Kakashi shook his head and put a palm to his face, looking tired, muttering 'Itachi' under his breath barely audible to the ear.

"Sasuke, do shut up," Sakura said in exasperation. "Although I do have to thank you for getting rid of that ghost. It was a bastard to me, and now I'm free of it."

"It tried to possess you too, Sakura?" Naruto's brows knit together in confusion over how it could possess two bodies at once. It confused me too.

"No, it put a bloody seal on me to 'stop me screeching and giggling' and saying anything it didn't like! I hated it! I just realized, it's dead so I'm free now." Her eyes were wet and she was nearly crying. "But it told me something really weird, too. It said it was from the future?"

"The future?" Naruto asked what I wanted to, beating me to the punch.

"That sounds rather impossible," Kakashi said slowly.

"That's right. He said that one day, Sasuke will betray the village for Orochimaru for power to kill Itachi. That's why he hated Sasuke."

He... had a reason for hating me? I frowned. "Betray the village how?"

"Leave it."

Wha... okay, that was a very mild betrayal. Although maybe if he had lots of secrets to spill.

"Ah, that ghost was totally lying! Orochimaru asked him to leave and he said no! Sasuke would totally never betray the village! Right Sasuke?"

It kind of sounded like something I'd do, actually. It wasn't like I hadn't taken off before. I didn't really wholly approve of the village's attitude that if you were born here of clan blood or trained here you belonged for life, the indoctrination that said choosing where you wanted to live was the same as death-worthy betrayal.

"I wouldn't betray the village," I said honestly, but, I had a very different mental vision of betrayal than they did and omitted that little detail.

"He also said some other things that disturbed me, just the other day he said that there was some kind of Akatsuki organization after Naruto and all the bijuu, to create a ten tailed beast."

"Sakura, this is very important. I want you to tell the Hokage all of this."

"That's all I can think of, though. Except, ah, one thing." Sakura took in a sharp breath. "I don't know how to break this. It concerns your clan."

I went rigid, and was surprised how little rage came, though there was some. I'd become so placid, so calm with the exception of a few grumpy sniping words at my team mates; it made me feel unnervingly like a little Itachi clone, all I needed to do was poke someone in the bloody damned forehead. But Itachi would always be at least a slightly sore spot, wouldn't he?

The rage festered and built itself bigger.

"Itachi -" she began.

"Sakura," said Kakashi abruptly. "Come with me. Sasuke is in a sensitive mood, and this is a sensitive subject. I want to hear it first, especially if it's untrue. You can't trust anything that 'ghost' says."

"I want to know!" I demanded, that anger beginning to grow and twitch me to life. Sometimes it made me feel like a whole different personality, an avenger. But I was an avenger, wasn't I? I was going to make him gone.

They left without me. I had to know. I needed to know, a weird desperation. What did they know about my brother?

And didn't that word send up a whole host of confused, angry, mournful and vivid as the day I received them memories that should not have been so damned happy. I hated him for making me smile. For saying he cared, and yanking the rug. I felt sick, and weak, and a fool for trusting. Trusting anyone.

Because they all had something they'd hurt me over. Be it the village, or their damned desire for power, or for not being the happy go lucky dog who was the 'bestest' friend they wanted me to be. But the pain, I don't know how, or why, but abruptly, it had shaken me from my apathy. I was alive. I needed to live, to breath. To wretch and puke. To yell in rage.

Because I was alive in my memory, giving one of the only screams I'd ever given in my entire life, watching family die at Itachi's hands, and that memory suddenly felt painfully real, like I was a ghost awake upon the earth again.

I felt more like Sasuke, old Sasuke. The one who never had the patience for science, or seen the point of it beyond getting basic goods to the table and building the house and repairing the roof above your head.

So, the future said I left the village, huh?

Maybe I should oblige it. Damn me if I knew how the little bastard time traveled when he couldn't even hold his own in a fight, though. Perhaps I should make sure his other information was really true. Although I couldn't do that if they wouldn't tell me it! What had she been going to say? That Itachi was going to kill me and steal my eyes? That he dies by my hands? That he was framed? A different ghost took over his body? Ugh. I wanted to hit my head against a wall.

But I could do something better and more productive. I quickly secluded myself and began to write a correspondence.

'Hey, what was with the trying to bite me? And you seemed like you were going to kill my team mate, and you stole yourself another body, and you went after the Uchiha to, what, steal another body? I'm not exactly super pleased with you right now. If you were dying and desperate, you might have contacted me instead of immediately going to the last sick resort. I would have been interested at least for the intellectual stimulation alone.

Unlike you, who derive most pleasure from intellectual pursuits and power, I can also get satisfaction from helping and cooperation. I suppose that reads to you as 'satisfaction from being used by another person', but, no, it's like red and blue and ultraviolet. Bees see ultraviolet, humans don't. Another example: Cats like chasing string, humans don't. Perhaps you remember what it was like having your parents love you?

Are you capable of admitting mistakes? I don't mean that as an attack, but curiosity. Are we done here?

One last favor, if you have not burned this already. What do you know of the Akatsuki?'

It was a long time, weeks, waiting for a response. It was rather angry:

'Believe it or not Neko, but I am not ignorant. Perhaps you believe me some kind of psychopath; I know I have been called that often enough. Let me put your anxiety to rest: I am far more rational than one of those brain damaged two faced creatures.

I am well aware what fondness is, that most humans have a drive to cooperate. I simply have deliberately cast off mine, because grief and the pain of idiocy is not worth my time when I can find gratification and satisfaction in other things. I distrust most human 'love' for I find it to be incredibly superficial, often only based upon the mutual gratification of human cooperative needs, and ends the moment the other cannot gratify their needs. I like you, Neko, in as much as I like anyone, rather like one might 'like' a color or book; a rather insignificant thing.

I cannot trust you with everything, as I do not trust anyone that far, certainly not with my life. Such would be the utmost foolishness. I toyed with your team mates, had they not been able to survive such pitiful restrained attempts they would not have been of much use to you and simply have gotten you killed on the field someday, what with the likely-hood you would recklessly sacrifice yourself for them with your suicidal tendencies and your stated fondness for others. It was a calculated decision. Why should I waste you on Konoha fools? They cannot see your potential, they don't even know the half of it.

Why, you haven't even told them all your secrets, have you? As for the Akatsuki, I don't see why I should share.'

The last line dripped with smugness. But he had revealed more than perhaps he had meant to, so I was the one feeling smug. The Akatsuki were indeed real. He did know what the drive to cooperate was well enough to frame in his own words. But in a way, that just made him even more dangerous and unpredictable than before. If he had merely been the average sort of psychopath, I could have dealt with him easily, knowing I was working with an impaired person who would never rationally grasp what I was speaking to them about because they couldn't comprehend all human emotions that well, though they might seem to at times, faking sympathy at all the right moments and moral outrage.

'Thank you for being honest. An odd action for someone who claims to have no fondness or desire for cooperation, since it doesn't get you much of anything, but still, thank you. Although you never answered if you could admit mistakes. What to do with my team mates is my own decision; I am quite capable of gauging if a situation is too tough for my team, thank you.

And the Akatsuki, that was just curiosity, for I heard them mentioned in the same conversation as the name Itachi. Thank you for confirming they exist, that is all I wanted to know.

Like you too.'

I tended not to stay angry very long. A part of me wanted to though, reveled in how alive it made me feel for once. Pain, and inflicting pain. I thought I understood sadism a little better now; when you are angry, hurting people feels so much more tempting, so much more satisfying to contemplate. That understanding made me think maybe I had changed him, just a little; his message was not as angry 'die for defying me!' as it could have been, it felt more frustrated. And he had years to contemplate some of my earlier speeches to him, so it was not really surprising if he had mentally refined his defense to it. The thing is, it is difficult to carefully contemplate something calmly and be extremely angry at the same time.

Still, I was actually pretty surprised how rational this discussion sounded, although there were clear flaws in his argument and he was obviously trying to flatter me. I had to admit I had started to peg him as just a psychopath. His response came quicker this time:

'You would not have fallen for it if I had suddenly claimed to see the great error of my ways and renounced all evil, would you? And yes, I can admit mistakes. Whether you or I share the same viewpoint on what those mistakes are is quite dubious. I will admit some of my research in the past has been flawed, however.

Interesting how you didn't answer about telling your team your secrets. I will take that as a yes. Funny that you can't trust your own beloved team.

You are a whelp. Do not chase after Akatsuki at your power level, they would kill you. But together with me, I could teach you and we could defeat Itachi.'

I was feeling sorely tempted. And he had caught me in a verbal trap of my own making. It was true, I didn't trust them, didn't feel they truly liked my true self for how could they when they did not even know I was one of those 'ghosts'? They would be horrified. And their own secrets, they were keeping things from me. They didn't trust me either!

'Will you apologize for the harm you have done? For one: Trying to bite me was entirely unnecessary. I suppose you will say it was to test me, just like with my team mates, and that if I was that weak then it would be of interest to give me a gift to make me more powerful. Well, if you were really interested in a gift, you could have carefully explained what you wanted to do and let me decide if I wanted that route to power. For two: You have killed people in your experiments who never needed to die.

And I admit it. I don't trust my team. Would you trust little children with adult secrets? It is not out of dislike.'

His retort made me wince at how wide an opening I'd given:

'Have you forgotten you are a child yourself? I can easily say it was within my right to make decisions for you as an adult.

But I apologize. Since my toying efforts did not result in biting you, they were clearly unnecessary; you were big and strong enough to look after yourself, neh? As for past mistakes, well, I have learned much from them I would not otherwise.'

How slippery. No trace of regret in there at all. I suppose I had not really expected any regret or guilt, would have found it suspicious if there had been.

'You are not my guardian. Random strangers don't generally get to make decisions about other people's children, or it would get chaotic.

An apology isn't a good apology if you immediately go into why you don't regret it or why the apology isn't really needed or how the action didn't really cause any harm; that's called an excuse.'

...the response:

'I could be your guardian.'

...What? What kind of response was this? He wasn't supposed to be interested in that.

A strange, stupid yearning filled me, and I cursed my child-brain for wanting a father and having really, really terrible choice in father-figures. I knew it was just a trick, playing with my emotions by paying attention to me, playing with my desire for parental attention, to get what he wanted out of me, to manipulate me more easily. It hurt, that wishfulness, that yearning, the empty void and the temptation to fill it.

My eyes felt wet. I couldn't answer. I just stared at the paper blankly before burning it so no one else could find it.

.

.~`````~.

.

Chidori training.

Sand invasion.

The Hokage didn't die from the invasion or anything like that. In fact, Orochimaru never attacked like everyone worried, only Sand did. It was something of a disaster for sand, for they nearly lost Gaara, not that they would have wept. We forced them into a retreat. Gaara made me realize how weak I still was, how much stronger I needed to get.

Naruto, Sakura, me and Kakashi-sensei, we went on missions together. It was nice to finally see the real team, hyper and happy Naruto, slightly fan-girlish Sakura, quiet and reserved Kakashi. I just wished they weren't war missions.

I made progress on my chakra-detector project, now having reached my basic original goals. Using a piece of paper and a formula, you could get a numeric count of your chakra by the number of techniques you could do or how many times you could activate the paper. I also got the paper to react differently to different signatures, a little bit, mostly just different chakra affinities. I still wasn't satisfied with just that, though. I wanted something even more sensitive.

I also realized a very large problem with it: your chakra regenerated itself, so to speak, so there was a difference between what you had available to use right this moment and your total capacity. Basically this meant that it wasn't impossible to accidentally get a count of infinity, just because your chakra regenerated to full between paper activations.

I ended up building myself a microscope, though it was a pain in the ass. I'd never seen a microscope in this world, and, well, wasn't going to arouse questions by asking for one. So that meant the obnoxious process of making it myself, getting glass and experimenting around. It was fairly convenient I could melt glass with a jutsu and warp it to my wishes, but I wasn't exactly experienced at glass making. I ended up getting a book on it. It did have the convenience that no one knew what I was up to, I suppose. I allowed my project to 'end' with the excuse it had met its main goal and I wanted to throw myself into training.

Which I did. I had a natural tendency to hold almost completely back, so I had to urge myself into the effort. Sometimes antagonizing Naruto into picking a fight with me helped, weirdly, although it was mostly taijutsu practice in that case. Although Sakura would join in too, sometimes. She had these chakra enhanced punches that were quite impressive. I stopped wasting time being late with Kakashi; I wonder if he ever missed me sleeping on the bench?

I thought about the Senju tree, among other things as my thoughts had time to roam. It didn't really make a lot of sense to me. Where there is one tree of a species, there is another. And trees almost never produce almost one fruit. What were the chances that this land, which I knew couldn't be the only continent, in fact might even only be a large island with wonky weather, was the only one to produce chakra or a chakra fruit tree?

I felt like I was close to potentially breaking this already rather broken world. All you really needed was a way to collect chakra and grow yourself a new tree. Or, if more existed, to find another one. I didn't really like that pattern of thought. I put going across the ocean on to my to-do list and fell into a content pattern for awhile.

One event broke this tranquility, if you can call being in a war tranquil.

Itachi and Kisame. They attacked Naruto, though lucky this pervert, Jiraiya, was there to stop them.

"You bastard! Why? Why damn you?" I'd yelled at Itachi. Learning from past mistakes, I blindfolded myself to avoid his worst genjutsu. Unfortunately, I hadn't exactly trained blindfolded before, and it threw me off. He defeated me humiliatingly easily.

And in a whirl, they left as soon as they'd came it felt like, not a backwards glance. That was that.

Jiraiya didn't like me much when I asked him if he got women too drunk to consent so he could prey on them. Naruto didn't understand the question, and Jiraiya was pretty furious. He insisted he was an honorable pervert, an absolute contradiction in terms. I told him that when people see a powerful man ignoring consent and getting a rap on the knuckles for it and nothing else, they think they can do the same, think that the result will be a funny joke or just a bit of fun because the girl saying no doesn't matter; eroding the culture of consent isn't harmless. Treating objectification of women as a joke isn't harmless; you might not know it, but evil can tell a joke too.

That was when Jiraiya sobered and stopped joking around. He saw how serious I was, that I wasn't going to just hit him or slap him around comically like in an anime. He told me, simply: "Kid, when you get far enough into the shinobi lifestyle, you'll find pretty much all ninja pick up tics and vices. You wouldn't want me to be like Might Gai, would you?"

"Everyone should be like Might Gai," I said flatly, only a slight smirk indicating I might be joking. "I think you would look incredible in green. The women would flock to you," I tried to coax. Everyone should be like Gai... except me. Then I could sit back and laugh at you all. I was kind of a piss sometimes. Although, maybe I should show up in green one day, just to give Kakashi a heart attack of horror.

"Er, not in a million years... anyway, vices. Some are just more rotten than others. If they don't find a way to cope, they go mad. I promise you I only go as far as peeping."

"Ah. Maybe you should pick up writing and reading porn then, that's harmless."

"Ah, I already do that! In fact, I'm a famous author! You're a bit too young for my books though, heh."

"Oh, I'm sure I've read worse. The plot doesn't tend to be very good in those sorts of books though, so they aren't really to my tastes." For a moment, I grew worried we were going to bond over talking about perverted books.

"Hahaha, you are one precocious kid! Plot? Who needs plot for books like mine? But I'll have you know that with plot alone my books are still masterpieces!"

"I don't believe you." Crisis averted.

"Punk! No respect from any of you kids today, I swear."

"It might be funny to read one in front of Kakashi just to wig him out, though," I said mischievously.

"Ah, nice try, I'm not giving you one of my books! No matter how hilarious the results may be." When he wasn't being an ass, he was not hard to like. Wait, better rephrase that when he was being an ass to someone you didn't mind him being an ass to.

Understanding I was dealing with a psychologically damaged older man, and an older man who could potentially deal horrendous violence to my person if I disagreed with him too much at that, I decided it was pertinent to let the peeping issue go. At least for now. If by chance he tried putting his moronic super pervert philosophy into Naruto's ears... bah!

Then it turned out I didn't even have a chance to prevent him from trying to distort Naruto's mind; they went off to train without me and Sakura, and to get someone named Tsunade to help with the war effort, and heal poor Lee, who had been injured by Gaara's sand attack. I didn't mind Lee; he was obviously a hard worker, and I didn't have the heart to tell him there was a flaw in his logic about hard work beating genius. What if a genius did hard work? But, he was a harder worker than I was, so perhaps he felt geniuses were all just too lazy. He might be a little right.

Maybe there was a little Nara in all of us.

Orochimaru sent me another note, to my surprise: 'I am sorry. That must be a touchy subject for you. I should not have tried to replace your family.'

I was both surprised and not surprised. Apologizing only after you've realized you've gone too far is the classic tactic of the manipulator, aiming to get the victim to calm down so they can restart their old behavior and then simply 'apologize' without actual regret yet again when they were caught again, rinse and repeat. And his apology was still incomplete.

It was stupid of me to have contacted him so much after I'd gotten what I basically needed out of him, which had been information on souls. I'd been lonely, and frankly it had been kind of stupid to talk to him in the first place, but, hey, it was my life, and hey, it felt a little shitty to just stop talking to someone after you got what you wanted out of them. I would just be proving him right about other human beings.

'Hebi. How stupid do you think I am, after having the gall to say you wouldn't lie because I wouldn't trust it? You said it yourself you don't care for other people, for attachments. You won't even apologize for killing one single person, or admit it as a mistake in anything but detached terms. You only like me as much as you like your favorite color, you said so yourself. That's not what I want. I know it is difficult to accept, but people have different things that gratify them and that isn't inferior or superior, unless we're rating on how much happiness they achieve with it, in which case happy go lucky fools beat everyone.

You find grief too painful and so avoid bonds, but I deal with it every day regardless if I attach to another or not. I can't just remove my grief like you apparently can. I've never been good at bonding or knowing how to make other people happy, to be honest, but that does not mean I want to settle for a friendship where I am just used and then stabbed in the back. If easily thrown away, shallow-faced superficial facades of friendship bother you, why not change that in your own life?

I can't trust you, and I already have power. You seem to have forgotten:

I am already immortal. All that matters now is how impatient I am and how much I want my more immediate goals.

What do you even want from me? Do you really want to be my guardian?'

I hesitated about sending this message. It seemed to mark the end of our conversation. Perhaps something less hostile? But things seemed to be coming to an end anyway. There was really very little more room to debate, to go anymore. We were drawing our lines in the sand. Compulsively, I added another line: 'Think about it. In the meantime, I have made a decision of my own. I am going to leave Konoha, for awhile. Perhaps forever. I can still be fond of my team from a distance. Perhaps we will meet and talk like you wished.

Or perhaps not.'

.

.

Orochimaru had been in the middle of writing his own message when he suddenly received a new one, to his annoyance.

'It looks like not. Konoha sent quite a little force at me; goodbye.'

He frowned, and thought about some of the words he had been about to send that now would not get to be seen:

"I was not lying, Neko, you little fool. I would not have minded gratifying some of your emotional clingy little urges, your pathetic little needs. It amuses me to check on the welfare of my students. Would it really have mattered if I did not truly reciprocate the feeling of familial bonds?" But apparently it did, or the silly boy would not have put up such a fuss. He would not admit it, but he struggled to understand the viewpoint of someone who wanted and craved affection. It was so alien to him at this point, even distasteful.

Selfish little Neko wanted to keep his eyes and body to himself, he thought with annoyance. But Konoha would not necessarily be that kind to him. No one would. Although, a part of him debated against stealing the body. Neko was clever, could find other ways. Could help him reach his goal of understanding jutsus, of finding immortality. Though he already had his own method of immortality, did he not?

Memories rolled through his mind, teasing at him. Voices of the past. Taunting, tantalizing, feeling like an equation that begged to be solved when in reality it was just sheer nonsense, a jagged set of puzzle pieces that went together by accident to form a nonsensical picture.

Could you bond to someone if they were immortal, then?

When you are immortal, when you are powerful enough, you can indulge any silly whim.

You forget: I am already immortal.

I am already immortal.

Already immortal.

Immortal.

Any silly whim.

The little rat had been aware and playing with him from the beginning! Not that it had worked. He thought many of their arguments were interesting but ultimately biased by their emotions, that they had yet to understand that, yes, the happy fool who thinks the world is sunshine might be happier, but he sincerely doubted such would ever work for them. Neko would come to realize eventually that knowledge and power was far more satisfying than the superficial and idiotic pleasantries of the dim witted and overly soft hearted, the meaninglessness of the short lived and unimportant.

And yet... maybe it had worked a little better than it should have. Neko was rather like a very bemusing pet. And if he was truly immortal, grief would never be a problem. Unless someone stole him from him. Like just now.

"Damn you, Neko," Orochimaru uncharacteristically swore.

15 Finding a new way

"Why? Why leave? Don't you like us? Don't you care? Why are you just tossing us aside?" Sakura demanded.

"I like my team mates and the other genin, but I'm not so fond of Konoha," I answered truthfully.

"But we are Konoha! Don't you see? We are its future!" Naruto missed his blow and blew apart a tree with his rasengan. Damn it Naruto, trying to kill me much? "We're all one big family! Believe it!"

"A future in a gilded cage. How can you stand being chained to one place, not able to go where you wish?" I shouldn't have been wasting my breath, it was going to make me pant all the faster, but I felt like I needed to make them see sense.

"Why would we want to go anywhere else? Besides, it isn't like you can't go outside the village, you just need permission. Like for on a mission," Sakura tried to logic her way out of the situation.

"Exactly. And if I want to quit? To go where ever I want?"

"You're so selfish. Why would you want to leave your team mates? Don't you care about us, what an emotional wrecking ball you're pummeling us with? Konoha only keeps track of its nin because with their powers, it would be incredibly dangerous if it fell into enemy hands. Imagine what the sharingan could do if used against the village! No, no need to imagine, it's already happened!" Sakura shouted, tears streaming down her face.

"That's a low blow," I mutter, feeling like an idiot for ever letting them get this close to my location. At least the other genin were successfully distracted with the false trails I'd set, but it looked like surely they wouldn't be long. Anybody would notice this much chakra exploding along. "And you don't need to worry about me, I can take care of myself. Can't you? I don't understand why this is upsetting you all this much. How did you bond to me when I've been the opposite of warm and bubbly?"

"Naruto never had any family, and he attaches very easily. He saw you as a rival, a brother to look up to." Then, with triumph. "You're like his Itachi."

That was a sucker punch. I understood all too well now, having been in that situation, been the little brother who was ignored and rarely received any attention in his brother's shadow but strove for it anyway, only to have his brother abandon him and shove him away in the most painful way possible.

It distracted me enough that I didn't notice where the real Naruto went. There were his shadow clones, but, where did he-? Smack! Pain radiated across the top of my head, and I whirled, tripping the little obnoxious baka before vanishing away. I didn't plan to fight, but to run. I was pretty good at that, at this point, having honed my speed immensely. I also happily used henge, appearing as a mere black house cat, the smaller form more difficult to pull off but also harder to see, especially with the darker color blending in with the shadows of the trees. Meanwhile, Sasuke clones ran along in different directions. I couldn't make many of them, unlike Naruto, but I'd be a fool not to notice the usefulness of clones, even if they were non-shadow type clones.

Sensing a chakra presence ahead, I veered directions, then another presence made me veer again. Panting, I thought perhaps I had lost them, and paused to look around with sharingan kitty eyes.

A shadow fell on me, and I couldn't move. What the? How? I quickly returned my eyes to normal.

"Hello, kitty kitty. Or should I say Sasuke?" I felt myself taking steps forward, but weirdly despite the henge I was walking on twos. Nara clan's shadow trapping technique! "Ahh, why did you have to henge to a nonhuman shape? This is such a pain." Also taking steps forward was Shikamaru, looking like he was having a little more difficulty than usual. Cats don't naturally walk on two legs, after all, and it threw off his balance a bit.

I meowed at him as innocently as possible. I did a very good cat meow impression, and he looked a little taken back. "Wait, did I get just a cat? What a drag."

Feeling smug, I readied to bolt, but another voice interrupted. "No, that's him! Keep him there." Neji arrived with Kiba. Damned Hyuuga and their damned eyes. Well, okay, like I was one to talk. And Kiba would explain how they tracked me so well: smell.

Not caring how weird it looked for a cat to talk, I growled, "How did you get me?"

"I took advantage of the fact you were a sensor and dampened down my chakra while letting the others herd you toward me. A fairly simple trap. I'm surprised you're completely alone, but then, maybe not that surprised. After all, you've tried to take off alone before, haven't you?" Shikamaru remarked. "A team this large is over-kill for one person."

"Oh! I remember that! That big camping trip everyone went on!" Kiba came up excitedly, grabbing hold of me and holding my little paws together. "Alright, I got him, you can let go." Neji grabbed on also. The distraction and the painfulness of their grip made me release my henge.

"Are you sure? I can hold on a bit longer."

If there was one flaw to his technique, it was the amount of chakra needed. He could only maintain this for five minutes. But then again that was all that was needed. I began to struggle against the jutsu, giving it a good fight, surging my chakra. "Oy, stop fighting. It's over, Sasuke, you're beaten." They began to tie my hands.

"Oh, is that so?" I said icily.

"He's just going to keep being a pain in the butt. So knock him out." Thinking quickly, knowing the blow was coming, I reinforced chakra to the back of my head and prepared to push it like I was tree or water walking. When the blow came, it certainly wasn't pleasant, but it felt like there was a small cushion, like a helmet. Shikamaru felt his own head bounce like mine, the jutsu connecting our movement. "What the hell, Kiba?"

"Ah, sorry, I don't know what happened!"

I built up chakra in my mouth, then, glad I was facing him or this would be a lot more difficult, blew fire straight at Shikamaru. "No seals! No way!" He shouted with alarm, dropping the jutsu so he could leap away in self preservation. My fire wasn't nearly as powerful as it could have been with seals, but that was fine, I was not looking to incinerate him.

Neji slammed his fingers against me, and I could feel my chakra begin to cut off. Quickly, I kicked at him, freed my hands, and substituted away, but damage was already done. "You are tough, I'll give you that," Neji stated grudgingly.

Now I was facing a full on clash, not one team but several against me. Naruto, Choji, Shino and Sakura came running in, the odds weren't looking good. Every second, I had to dodge something, and the only small mercy I had was that all of these genin (and one chuunin actually, in Shikamaru's case) had never all worked together at once before, and some of their attacks were threatening to interfere with one another. Choji and Naruto accidentally smacked into each other, and Naruto's clones made less room for everyone. Shino accidentally sent his bugs in Neji's way in his efforts to swarm me. The whole situation was chaos.

"Surround the target from all sides!" Shikamaru barked orders. I was a little relieved he seemed to be the highest one ranked here. I really didn't want to meet Kakashi today, seeing him ashamed of me would be embarrassing, although I couldn't put my finger on why. "Bugs on the periphery to swarm as he tries to escape." Things began to get less chaotic as he took leadership of the situation.

I sent fireballs loose, mostly at the bugs to incinerate them, not keen on having them drain my chakra or track me, and to clear a path. I set chidori through a set of clones, but mostly avoided using it. I got grabbed, slammed to the ground, thrown, and kicked all at various different points in the fight. I tried a basic genjutsu to make them think they'd caught me already, but Sakura saw through it and ended it pretty quickly.

"You're avoiding using your most powerful jutsus. You're holding back on us." Shikamaru noted casually, standing back and not even trying to wade his way into the melee, preferring to attack from a distance and analyze.

"No way! He's holding back?" Kiba growled. "I don't believe it." He'd gotten a rather bad burn from me, so I didn't blame him for disbelief.

I laughed. What flattery, truly, that I could do more. I couldn't muster up that much killing intent against them even if I tried.

"I do," said Naruto. "Sasuke wouldn't kill his team mates, would you Sasuke?"

"If you severely annoy me," I bluffed, but apparently not very well as he didn't even blink. Or maybe that was just Naruto's ever lasting faith in everyone and everything speaking, not my bluffing ability. "I would suggest letting me go."

"No can do," Choji said cheerfully, making a grab for me.

I substituted with Shikamaru, then proceeded to annoy the hell out of them by randomly substituting with different team mates and managing to knock Kiba and Choji down and out by surprise. Underhandedly, I also created a clone and switched with it, trying to take off again while it fought. I was on my very last legs here, so it had better work.

I managed to run to a village, very tired, and felt lucky. Maybe I could get lost in a crowd, take it slow, regain my breath, then head on.

I took a step, only to get knocked down with a punch by Sakura. "We thought you might head this way, so I left a clone behind," she cracked her knuckles.

Then she punched me into unconsciousness. I barely registered that I slumped to the ground as inky blackness took me, the world going out in a wink.

.

.

I woke, but kept my eyes closed. I knew where I was, more or less. Konoha, in a hospital bed, some needle and tubes hooked to me.

There was an argument going on heatedly: "He can't be trusted. He'll run off at the first opportunity, he's done it before. Give him to me, and I can make him into a more loyal shinobi, a weapon." It took me a moment to place the voice, and it was not a happily remembered one. The man who killed me.

"For Root, you mean." Tsunade? I barely knew the woman, but she was a medic. She must have been healing me of basic injuries, though not completely; she had obviously left some wounds sore as a lesson.

"Well, we can't just let him run loose. He's not loyal anymore. I don't want to have such a powerful and useful bloodline executed entirely. We can have him locked away and used as a sire. Such things have been done before, although he is not quite old enough yet." I didn't recognize that voice, but the suggestion was fairly sick. It was an elderly voice. A council member?

"Only with enemy clans, and not in Konoha itself!" The old man Hokage? My, my, a lot of people arguing about me. I was sure in a shit load of trouble this time. "I have not always agreed with your training methods, but, I think they might be the best bet. You do produce results Danzo, I can't argue with that."

Shit. Like hell I wanted to cooperate with the organization that murdered me once. I wonder if the Hokage even knew they'd helped send Orochimaru into his life as a nuke-nin, that they'd encouraged his sick experiments? Mind, I hadn't been the most discouraging person either, liking science and all and having a maybe far too tolerant view, but I hadn't been the one that decided that asking the Hokage for legal experimentation was a step too far and worth murdering a 'bad influence' of a little kid over!

"Naruto will be broken, he loves his team mate. I have no fondness for the brat, but we should try a psychological evaluation first. He was found to be suicidal at one point, he might have been trying to run off to kill himself and save everyone the pain of seeing him dead," Tsunade pointed out. "It didn't look like he had any accomplices."

"A most disturbing theory, but it does make a great deal of sense. It wouldn't be the first time a shinobi cracked up under the strain and killed themselves, or the first time a Uchiha went mental and became useless as a tool," Danzo remarked. "A pity. I will have him looked at, I assure you."

"He may have woken up. His heart beat and other vitals changed. Let me check up on him."

Tsunade was business-like, simply checking me over before finally stating: "Well, you're physically fine, kiddo. Mentally, you're a bit of a mess, aren't you?"

"Some might say that." I stared at the wall instead of her, not really caring anymore. I felt apathy taking me over. "Why heal me if I'm just going to be executed?"

"The ninja who dragged you back all begged for your sorry, worthless traitorous hide. Don't ask me why, but they think you're a friend. Personally, I think you're a shit who leaves his friends in the dust." If that was supposed to hurt me or make me flinch, it didn't work, really. That would require fully getting where she was coming from, and I just didn't buy into the eternal life long loyalty till death do you part marriage to the village and country. Of course, if I did buy into it, that would have been shitty to say to a suicidal person.

I suppose it was part of being a soldier; didn't most societies regard soldiers who abandoned their duties as the worst sort of scum, even if they weren't actually in any battle or assigned to any specific duty when they left? It might have made more sense to someone who liked killing, I supposed. Or, no, that was a little too harsh. Someone who bought into the concept of honor, then. This was a communal society, not an individualistic one. People like me, cat-like or snake-like folk, just didn't fit in very well.

I didn't entirely comprehend why Konoha would do this; weren't they supposed to be the goody two shoes, the good guys who always go for the bonds of friendship above all else? But on another level I understood it all too well. It was because of those very tendencies to go for friendship above all else that I was seen as evil, as a traitor, and because everyone tends to see themselves as the justified great shining hero with virtues no one else possesses.

I didn't regard her as a bitch for her words. One, a male might just as easily have said those words and never have been in danger of being called bitchy (he might even be complimented for honesty, loyalty and blunt attitude; it didn't sound too far off from what Kakashi might say), and two, I don't call women bitches. It's kind of a misogynistic insult. I also don't call men dicks, for similar reasons; they are both sexist, gendered insults. One was more inflammatory than the other, but, I didn't much care about that.

"I'm not interested in going to Root, so don't even ask." I said when the Hokage came in, looking grim. "Although if you wished you could force me anyway."

"Why did you leave?"

"For the reason I left the first time. It felt suffocating." I didn't think they'd understand.

"I tolerated it from you when you were a child, but you're considered an adult of the village now, Sasuke. Tell me, were you planning to meet up with Orochimaru, one of our sworn enemies?"

I stayed silent. I wasn't really the lying type. They took this as confirmation.

"This was a serious mistake to make, one I think you'll come to regret. Now you must face the consequences of your actions, whether you are interested or not. It is truly a shame you do not possess the Will of Fire." He gave a nod, and Tsunade jerked me up from my bed rest roughly.

"I've put dampeners on your chakra, so don't think of even trying to mold jutsu," she said, eyes narrowed. She pushed me toward the horrid old man Danzo, who took my wrist painfully. I didn't give him the satisfaction of a wince.

A breeding mule. They're actually thinking of using me as a breeding mule when I fully hit puberty. It was fairly horrifying, and I amended my thoughts. No, not thinking, decided on. I'm going to be made into some blank tool, and they'll certainly use me as a breeding mule then. Why wouldn't they? Root had no qualms against experimenting on and torturing children, so torturing to make children isn't much of a leap. I shivered a bit, truly not looking forward to it.

Ah, Naruto, you clueless loyal fool. Bringing your friend home to be raped by someone you trust who doesn't understand or care for the meaning of consent. It was an all too common story, unfortunately, although usually ninjas and fireballs weren't involved.

A tremble wracked the building.

"What was that?" Everyone was on alert. Not long after, an alarm went off, and an explosion in the distance.

"The village is under attack!" With a hiss, the Hokage disappeared in a flash of smoke, and Tsunade ran to go help heal the injured and likely fight as well.

I was left with Danzo, and two ninjas who came to flank him. In a panic, I tried to summon my chakra, but whatever suppressant they had put in my system, likely with the needle, was working pretty good. I couldn't muster anything at all. If we got attacked and my guards killed, I would be defenseless.

A strange hissing came from down the hall, and I felt myself filled with a weird hope and horror at the same time. It couldn't be.

A giant snake burst out of the wall and sank fangs into one of the ninja, smacking away another with its tail. Danzo moved rapidly backward, keeping his pain inducing grip on me the whole time. "Hmm. Let's make getting you situated quick." He headed toward a Root escape tunnel, or that much I guessed anyway, leaping out from the window and running.

"Oh, what a mess have you gotten yourself into, hmm?" A familiar sibilant voice sounded, and there, standing atop a snake, was a smiling Orochimaru, along with to my surprise the silver haired ninja who had once been loyal to Root. Had I ever gotten his name? I'd forgotten.

"You!" shouted Danzo, furious.

"I'd get loose eventually, one way or another," I told him. Another meaning death. "What are you doing here? Rescuing is out of character for you." I tried to squirm loose, but couldn't quite manage.

"Kukuku, what can I say?" Orochimaru laughed. "I decided to try something new when my spies told me you were in trouble."

"You're here for the Uchiha brat? I should have known. The timing was too precise. You'll never have the Sharingan!" Suddenly, conversation time was over and the ninja launched themselves at each other in a deadly flurry almost too fast for the normal eye to see. But it was two against one, and Kabuto broke off to land next to me.

Kabuto! That was it. The silver haired sadist had been in the chuunin exams, watching everyone and faking weakness. Orochimaru shadow cloned himself and slide up beside us with a smirk.

A snake slid up to us.

"Take us and de-summon yourself," he ordered, and it opened its mouth wide to swallow us. It was not the most pleasant sensation, rubbing up against the tongue and being cradled by teeth. Danzo screamed rage, then, suddenly, silence.

I was free of him. But what sort of new cage had I landed into? The snake spat us out, and I eyed them both cautiously as I regained my balance in a new location. "What's your aim? Why did you do this?"

"My my, Neko-kun," Orochimaru tilted his head and gave me a condescending pat on the head. "Everyone likes cats."

The statement sounded warmer if not more sane than anything I'd ever heard him say before. It wasn't said with any hiss to it. It was a strange and apparent non sequitur, so it took me a moment to grasp it.

Then a small smile slowly blossomed across my face.

"I hadn't been lying, you know," he continued slowly. "But perhaps I had been wrong. I forgot you would wish familial feelings to be reciprocal. I can't do that. But I can be fond of you, in my own way. Immortality can be quite boring if you never do anything new. Is that enough?"

That was more than I'd ever expected from him. He was not the affectionate fond type. In fact, I'd never expected any growth at all, any kindness. Gratitude filled me, if only because while so defenseless I could not figure anything he could possibly get from lying to me – he could easily kill me or take my body if he wanted right now. Perhaps he wanted to prepare it first, but... if this was genuine? "It's a start. It's a start. Thank you."

16Love it, let it go, and it will come back again

It was indeed a start. I didn't think I would ever fully trust him, but I found that what I thought I could trust, Konoha, wasn't quite as trustworthy as a little idealistic portion of me thought. Of course, someone can like you and still hurt you in a variety of ways. And on Orochimaru's part, it was probably 'you are slightly more important than my favorite color' liking. But right now? I'd take it.

Time passed. I sent Anko instructions on how to remove her curse seal, with a little grudging help from Orochimaru once he realized I was going to figure it out with or without his help.

His village (yes, it came as quite a surprise to me his band was an entire village, he hadn't spoken a word of it!) was full of some... unsavory characters, but many were there out of hope that Orochimaru could help them. He had an incredibly malicious streak in him, but I would bribe him into helping, partially by threatening to figure out the interesting puzzle all by myself. He didn't like that, you see; it was no fun getting left out and having his subject cured for him before he could do anything to them. On another level, it made sense that it would be made of unsavory characters; these were all people who for one reason or another hadn't fit in with another village, and that often meant they got kicked out or ran out.

Kabuto, I was not quite sure what to make of. I don't think he liked me, and I half suspected him of being one of the ones to report I was a bad influence on Orochimaru and getting me killed that second time. On the other hand, he clearly deeply admired Orochimaru, and his own fondness for science and medicine gave me an in to talk to him in a neutral, pleasant fashion. Although not evident at first, he was slightly emotionally warmer than Orochimaru was, with more need to attach to someone, to be useful; that was why he was a medic. I suspected he had latched on to Orochimaru to provide him with purpose.

I didn't think attaching to Orochimaru deeply and devotedly was healthy, but I was helping keep the snake in check, so it wasn't... quite as bad as it could have been. Which did not mean good, mind you. He still had a tendency to kill those who displeased him too much; I had yet to figure out a way to get through to him or soften him on that, but perhaps I already had a bit and hadn't noticed.

"I don't disagree with you killing a traitor, as hypocritical as it might seem since we are both traitors. They've shown no loyalty and are merely a threat."

"Not hypocritical at all. We simply went with our first loyalties, to ourselves, to our agendas. And his agenda contradicts ours now. It makes more sense if you don't think in terms of loyal and disloyal," he tried to educate me.

And, honestly, I thought he had a point. "Traitor is usually only a dirty word if the person is betraying you personally. If they're betraying someone else to you, they're considered a heroic spy. I concede your point. However, I'm less keen on killing someone who only might be a traitor who is a bit too incompetent. Just demote him to where he can't cause trouble or kick him out."

"Why? If he is of no use, there is no reason not to kill him. In fact, there is every reason to. He might become angered and blab what little secrets he has picked up if he in fact isn't already a traitor, he certainly would have little incentive if he got kicked out to keep his mouth shut," he countered my suggestion easily.

"But, if he or she is in fact loyal, there might be some hidden potential in him that has yet to develop. You can never run out of too many people willing to die for you. And if he has family, they could grow up loyal to you, whereas simply killing their parent or partner will not endear you to them at all."

"If he's a traitor, he could teach them to be disloyal, doubling my problem," he dismissed.

"So, separate them, have him interrogated, if still uncertain put him somewhere he can still be useful. As a spy in a place you already have spies but he doesn't know which ones those are, for instance; then you can check for discrepancies in information."

Orochimaru considered this for a little while. "Not a bad idea. Very cautious, though not as much as just killing him. I could have him kill someone to prove loyalty."

"That wouldn't prove anything but a willingness to be ruthless. If someone hates you enough, they'll stab their own grandmother to get to you." If he was going to be ruthless, he should be smart ruthless. Making him kill an old team mate or something like that was just idiotic.

I was the one who dared to ask him the questions no one else would, even if his responses were sometimes a sarcastic one word. What his plans for the village were, what he was doing for the future, what kind of policy he was going to enact and if he would consider avoiding some of the same mistakes Konoha made. Ultimately, it was a village of killers, and there was only so much my idealistic side could do about that, but I enjoyed being an adviser all the same. I felt I had made a good difference with what small power I had available in this situation, and I was well respected, although a few called me a brat. I supposed I deserved it; I could be very independent, and that was the same as 'brat' in many people's books. I liked having the freedom to choose my own goals and wander off as I wished, though funnily enough given the freedom to wander away at any time I didn't do it nearly as much as I could have. Partly, because it was a dangerous world out there, and that had fully sunk in now.

I relaxed when orochimaru tried to win arguments with me; I found the idea of the man agreeing with me and then hiding truths to manipulate me far more worrying a prospect than him just trying to win arguments. It was the difference between 'this person is evil, you should kill them, oh, whoops, actually I made that information up on their evils' and 'this person is someone I consider a threat and I would like him eliminated, here is why I think that would be the best option above others to get what I want'.

I did suspect the man of trying to socially groom me though. Well, not suspect, knew. He'd done a remarkable job of cutting me off from other social contacts and ensuring my contact with him was of a fairly positive sort but never something I could take for granted every day, a trick in the manipulator's hand book, and he took too much delight in coaxing me to be more like him. I wondered if he was even doing it consciously, or if he was just reflexively manipulative at this point, seeking petty power over me.

Training sessions were harsh and brutal, but I enjoyed them. I was embarrassed how greatly I'd underestimated Konoha's tracking skills and how I had gotten caught by a bunch of genin. I wasn't going to let something that humiliating happen again, I promised myself.

One conversation left a wound upon my heart, aimed to tear at me, to coax me into hate, for our influence upon each other went both ways:

"You spoke of friendship, of being capable of caring, but you abandoned your friends, did you not?"

"I never claimed to be any good at friendship. I suppose I did. Our needs were opposed; they needed me to stay, and I needed to go. How do you balance different needs in a friendship? That is something I have never truly figured out." I shrugged.

"I told you, friendship is a shallow thing," Orochimaru hissed at me. "When you cannot fulfill what they want of you, they will call you traitor, and try to control you."

With reflection on this, I asked him with surprise, "Is that what happened with you, from your viewpoint?"

"Yes, you could say that," he looked contemplative. "They were fools, and I used them. They could not accept my true face, my need for power and knowledge. And you need, want that as well, do you not? That was why you had to leave. Such things are entirely opposed; you could never have gotten what you desired there, and they would always hold your dreams beneath their own. That is how friendship works." I couldn't believe I was listening to him, but...

"Yes. You're right. It should be possible to find friendships where your dreams aren't opposed, but that hasn't happened for me," I sighed. "Very well. I consent to the cursed seal. You say it will grant me power?"

"Good boy," he purred. That day left me with an awakened rage I knew not how to fully tame, except perhaps to kill Itachi and come to some sort of end with all this. With old obligation fulfilled, perhaps I could put my sorry mind to rest.

I couldn't say I was too pleased once I realized the cursed seal could send me into a killing frenzy like a piranha with a sword instead of sharp teeth, nor about waking up stained in blood. He reassured me it hadn't been anyone innocent, but that might only have been because he sensed I was close to snapping at him and taking off when he wasn't looking.

In spite of this cold rage across my heart and my growing study of the art of ruthlessness, I felt a little happier overall, and it surprised me. Shouldn't I have been miserable, in a place offering far less closeness, friendship and cheerfulness than Konoha hypothetically had? But it offered more space, more intellectual stimulation, more people like me. Introverts who sometimes felt more satisfied by keeping a honest distance from others, calmly discussing books rather than throwing big parties, bluntly letting you know what they wished of you in rational, clinical terms. People who didn't freak out or look like you betrayed them if you told them you were going to work on a project and then mostly ignored them for a month.

I guess to a degree, I really hadn't realized just how poorly I had fit in before. I had thought of it as my fault; after all, I was the abnormal one, the weird science obsessed one who couldn't comprehend how Sakura and Naruto could get so loud demanding for attention. I liked children, but I didn't fit in with them, they didn't make great peers for me. Couldn't say I fit in with adults well either, never having fit in anywhere. And I had difficulty escaping the vibe sometimes that Kakashi didn't really want a team, that we were just a hassle to him; children are sensitive, they pick up on lack of enthusiasm. Perhaps he should have disbanded the team early. We were never a good fit, even if militarily we would have worked well.

But I did end up seeing some of my old team again, as it happened. I was wearing a mask, that of a black cat, to conceal my identity, passing by the area. They were on a mission, and I stopped, sensing them. Out of curiosity and a little nostalgia I observed them from a distance. Some man I didn't recognize although his chakra signature felt vaguely oddly familiar, along with Sakura tending to an injured Kakashi's arm. He didn't seem too badly beaten up, just cut a bit, possibly with exhaustion from sharingan overusage. Naruto wasn't there.

They seemed happy, talking to one another, if a bit grim due to the mission. I was glad for them. Some people are just no good for each other, total opposites.

We had blossomed apart. And that was okay. Different didn't mean inferior.

I prepared to leave when I spotted a large summoned centipede heading their way, knocking down trees. I saw my ex team mates brace for attack. Feet refusing to leave, I found myself doing something utterly stupid.

I jumped in the way and let loose a large fireball, incinerating the centipede. It shrieked and writhed, not quite dead yet, and spat poisonous acid in my direction. "You lot are Konoha nin, right?" A swift and suspicious nod from Sakura. "You alright?"

The beast thrashed its massive head in my direction, and I ducked and swerved. I didn't even need to counter attack however, as large plants shot up from the ground. It was bizarrely familiar. Tenzo? I wondered in shock.

"Who are you? Why are you helping us?" Sakura said suspiciously, punching down the beast with one earth shattering blow. The trembles made me almost lose my balance.

"He's a ninja of the sound," Kakashi wheezed out, sitting himself up. "An ANBU, from the looks of it."

"Correct. I am the wandering Black Neko. I was just passing through." After screwing with the Akatsuki by meddling with the demon container Han and convincing him to take off so the group couldn't find him. If Itachi was involved with them, I wanted to annoy him as much as possible. "I figured it wouldn't hurt to foster friendly relations between our two villages."

"You'll have to accept our apologies if we don't exactly trust you."

"Tch, that's fine!" I waved my hand. "I'll just wander off now then." I turned to leave and hopped up a tree.

"Wait. Won't your village be angry if you don't show up back home soon?"

"Oh?" I turned my head. "They're used to me being late, actually. I do pretty much whatever I want."

"You sound like a terrible shinobi!" Sakura exclaimed. "You're worse than Kakashi-sensei."

"Sakura!" Kakashi rebuked.

"Cha, you know it's true sensei!"

"You went on a mission solo and you aren't even injured?" the other ninja in their group, a brown haired man, spoke abruptly. "We accept your help. Do you have medical skills?" I nodded to this, though my medical skills were nothing exceptional. "Come over here, slowly."

"Ah, I have medical skills Yamato! I can heal you guys just fine without help," Sakura complained.

"Be as it may, Sakura, it wouldn't hurt to let you reserve more of your chakra." Kakashi then leaned in to whisper into her ears. With a discreet seal behind my back, I listened in with a sound jutsu. "It also wouldn't hurt to use this as an opportunity to scout for information. We know very little about him or Sound. If he's in league with our enemy here, I'd rather keep an eye on him than have him run off to do who knows what behind us."

"Ah, good point," Sakura gave in. "Alright, the mission is, a bug using ninja has been kidnapping people, cocooning them, and stealing their life energy to feed their hive. Our aim is to stop them."

I approached Kakashi, slowly with hands up to show I meant no harm, then put them down for a healing palm jutsu.

"You've got basic proficiency with it, but, I see it isn't your specialty, am I right?" Sakura observed. "Here, lend me some of your chakra, I can guide it better."

"Hn," I gave a sharp nod, agreeing. Her hand covered mine, and I was surprised how soft it felt after all that training and rigors it had gone through. I gently intermixed my chakra with hers.

"Alright, that should be good. Let's move off!" Kakashi stood up, giving a small stretch. In a blink of an eye, we moved off through the trees toward the center of the hive. Swarms of insects, many man-sized or bigger, attacked, and we proceeded to smash, burn, and electrocute swaths of them.

Along the way, we'd encounter cocooned victims, which we would cut down, as well as traps that we would disable. Yet it felt like we were no closer to finding the center of the hive or freeing all of the victims. We needed to find the ninjas behind all of this.

We retreated out of the forest for the night to go rest, ready to try again tomorrow. There, to my shock, I saw a familiar flash of orange clothing and yellow hair. Ah, not so good. If I'm discovered, the sannin, Jiraiya, he's traveling with might prove a threat to me. I didn't feel too threatened by Team 7, though, no matter how much they had grown... I felt I had grown more.

"Naruto! Is that you?" exclaimed a happy Sakura. Naruto did a turn about, face breaking into a look of sheer joy.

"Ah! Sakura! Fancy meeting you! What a funny coincidence."

"It is!"

Naruto looked more intelligent, astonishingly. He was actually wearing black along with that orange. He noticed me and grew serious. "Who's this stranger?"

"Wandering Black Cat Neko of Sound," I introduced myself with a little amused bow. This didn't seem to put him at all at ease, and I wondered what he'd heard of Sound, or if he'd finally grown some proper ninja paranoia. "I just happened to be passing through this way and noticed this group," I waved over at Yamato, Kakashi, and Sakura together. "getting attacked by a giant insect."

"Wow, really?" His eyes grew big. Okay, opinion taken back; Naruto hadn't changed at all.

"Reaaalllyyy," Sakura affirmed very slowly.

"Ah, I could help you guys! One more mission just like old times again!" He had no idea. "Pervy sage just went off to drink and flirt again. We booked a room here."

"We'll be booking a room too. We need to plot out the points we've been attacked by the bugs and try to deduce a pattern or a scheme we can use to lure out the controllers while we rest up," Sakura chatted.

"Carefully check yourself for tracker bugs first," Kakashi ordered.

We all did so; I turned my back to them as I used my sharingan for a moment, quickly patting myself down and squishing some tiny fleas. "Found fleas."

"Fleas? Yuck!" Naruto exclaimed. "Don't get near me with them!"

I felt annoyed. Dumbass. "I am a professional, I'm not going to get fleas on you," I said testily.

.

–

.

I took a room to myself. Naturally, being a properly paranoid ninja, I listened in on my temporary allies, using sound jutsu to amplify their voices into my ears.

"- he must know Sasuke and Orochimaru!" Naruto's loud voice made me regret the amplifier almost immediately.

I felt surprised. So, they knew Orochimaru ran sound, did they? Their spies must be quite good. This would be more dangerous than I'd wished, then.

"Not necessarily, from my understanding, Sasuke rarely shows his face outside of training and is barely known by the lower down at Sound. But you said his name was the Wandering Black Cat, right?" Jiraiya's concerned voice answered Naruto. "I've heard of him. I would be careful. My reports say he's very powerful, very high up, and that even Orochimaru listens to him and tolerates him in a way he wouldn't anyone else. He's another apprentice of Orochimaru. Some even go so far as to call him the Second Leader of Sound." Didn't know that. Then again, I occasionally strategized plans and spoke them in a way to others that made it clear they were orders, and Kabuto didn't have a whole lot influence on me; I'd always thought of him as being second in command but never treated him as my superior, just the lackey bringing in official orders from higher up.

"So he definitely knows Sasuke! I need to go talk to him right now and demand what he knows! We're running out of time before Orochimaru has the chance to snatch his body!" Snatch my body? Hmm. They had to be referring to the immortality technique I had modified. I was confident it could be used without stealing anyone's body now, or well, any living human's. Orochimaru would be a fool and an idiot to attack me now, and if he did, I was becoming powerful enough to take him on. Maybe I already was. That was unlikely, though; he'd always held back in training because he didn't want to lethally injure me.

"Don't be a fool! There's another rumor you should know. I find it difficult to believe, because I can't see Orochimaru sharing his deepest secrets with anyone. A rumor he's immortal."

"No way," Naruto took in a heavy breath. "No way he's that strong! Now I definitely want to face him and see what he knows about Sasuke!"

"I think I may be able to confirm that rumor." A different voice. It was the most unfamiliar one, so it had to be Yamato.

"What? You've met him, Yamato? That's the first I've heard of this," said Kakashi, a note of rebuke.

"It was an incredibly long time ago, when I was a little boy, and... an experiment of Orochimaru's. Another child called Neko sneaked in. He tried to rescue us and bring us to safety, but we were caught. He fought with surprising skill, but his style indicated no real formal training. I don't know why he wasn't part of the same experiment as me. I didn't even really remember that day until now," he took in a sharp breath. "but when I asked after him later, I was told he had been killed for being disobedient. To be honest, at the time I thought he was a little girl, he had such a high pitched voice and long unkempt hair. He was so dirty and unwashed, I admit he could have looked like almost anything under all that filth."

"So he really did come back from the dead?" Shock permeated Jiraiya's voice. "But that was before Orochimaru attempted any immortality technique, to my knowledge. No wonder Orochimaru is interested in him. I wonder what sort of sick bastard he is."

"He didn't strike me as cruel, at the time. Quite altruistic, actually. I'd love to speak with him and find if he's really that Neko."

"Anyone who can stand Orochimaru has deep issues. But you'll get your chance."

"Yeah, and I'm gonna be the first to talk to him!" Naruto, I could practically hear the goof grinning ear to ear with determination and glee at the thought of potentially provoking an enemy with stupid questions. Well, okay, to be fair, it was probably more like grinning at the idea of getting answers about Sasuke. I was quite confused why everyone was so god damned obsessed with me, but he'd reassured me years ago he wasn't secretly a fangirl.

"Hold your horses. We'll let him get tired out on the mission first and then confront him, in case he turns dangerous."

Not a bad plan. I canceled my jutsu, summoned a snake to watch for me, and settled to rest. I knew they were honorable enough not to assassinate me in my sleep. Well, okay, most of them. I didn't entirely trust Kakashi, being that he'd invented his own assassination technique.

In the morning, I enjoyed the look of unease, excepting Yamato, they all had regarding me. I was in a pretty good mood, honestly, and decided to mess with them. Because there are fewer things more fun to a suicidal person than messing with the minds of highly paranoid and stabby ninja. "You look well rested, Tenzo."

"Tenzo? There's no one of that name here," Naruto said skeptically.

"Ah, Neko. It's you. It's really you," said 'Yamato', voice heavy with awe. Everyone else looked surprised, with Jiraiya looking grumpy and concerned, a dark look on his face that didn't escape my attentions. "I can't believe I let myself forget about you, after you gave me the strength to go on, and the words I live my life by."

I was taken back, and waved a hand is dismissal. "It was no trouble. Forget about it again."

"But how could I forget?" The other ninja were uncharacteristically silent. "You said no one could ever be happy trapped in a tank. That kindness pays more than spite, and is often the most logical path to take. You risked Orochimaru's wrath for my sake, and got punished over me."

I scanned their faces. I could tell Naruto and Sakura were on the path to regarding me as one of their forever buddies, touched by this story. Without even meaning to, it looked like I had won them over. To be honest, I had completely forgotten about my attempts to cajole Kabuto into regarding kindness as the most logical of things, or that Tenzo had over heard me speak then. Jiraiya looked carefully blank, the look of a conflicted ninja who doesn't want to show what he's feeling to the outside world. Kakashi, calculating, like he often did, that small subtle look in his eye that meant he was taking things seriously.

"You're one of Orochimaru's experiments," Jiraiya said quietly. I wonder if he was wondering if I'd been created by him in a vat.

"On occasion," I admitted casually. "My life has never meant very much to me. So you should forget about what I've done. Let's just get on with the mission, shall we?"

"No!" Naruto's hand curled into a fist. "If you saved his life, you should let him say thank you!"

"But I didn't save his life. I failed and he just went back in the tank." I shrugged. "A failure isn't anything to remember." It was nice to see him again, but it was a bit embarrassing to have the past drudged up.

"But you helped save my sanity. In so, you saved my life. Thank you." Tenzo bowed, and the air in the room grew even more awkward.

I tugged at the cloth around my neck, feeling a bit warm. "You're welcome." I moved to go, opening the door and leaping into the trees. They leaped after me. "I don't know what conclusion you reached, but I believe the deepest mass of insects is in the south-east, with a decoy mass in the north of smaller size. We should head south there to find our insect specialist causing all this havoc, and perhaps the insect queen."

"You're sharp. That's the same conclusion as we came to," Kakashi noted warily.

We headed out. Something was eating at Tenzo, though, for he ended up speaking again. "How could you want to live in a cage, after you said no one could be happy in a tank?"

"Hn? Well, I never said I was looking to be happy, and two, I'm not caged. I come and go of my own free will." I was feeling chatty today. I found myself just hoping I could knock some sense into their heads, though, since they were certain to ask about Sasuke.

"Another thing..." Yamato spoke again. "I thought you died."

To reveal or not reveal? Sometimes I grew so tired of my own secrets. "That's correct."

Shock rippled across the group, and Tenzo looked pained. "How?"

"Ask Danzo. He murdered me as a child. As for how I came back to life, I honestly don't know. I've been researching to find that out, but my results have come up quite empty. There aren't a lot of cases of someone becoming coming back to life for no reason, you know?" For fun, I spun about to jump backwards so I could look at them. "But don't feel guilty. Danzo didn't murder me over you."

"What do you mean?" Tenzo's voice became more cautious. A bug flew past. We cut it down.

I stopped, balancing precariously on a snapped branch hanging on another stronger branch like a see-saw. "I mean, he didn't like me influencing Orochimaru. Ask him yourself."

"That's impossible," Jiraiya's voice grew hard and angry. "I've tried talking to Orochimaru. He can't be influenced by anyone, I'd know." He came toward me, possibly like he wanted to hurt me. "An action like that is treasonous, and a serious allegation against a council member."

"Well, I think Danzo was over-reacting too." I gave ground peaceably, jumping away from him.

"No, I demand to know. I've heard your reputation, I know you have his ear." Make up your mind. First no one can, next you know I can? But there was a pungent odor of desperation and sadness here, so it was understandable. "What do you say to him to make him listen to you?"

"Make him? Nothing. He often doesn't listen to me at all." I knew this wasn't very satisfying.

"You must say something."

"Do you talk to Uchiha Sasuke too?" Naruto asked. "Does he listen to you? What do you say to them?"

My shoulders sank. They wouldn't like the answer: "Cold, ruthless calculation. It's the only thing that gets through. And sometimes not even that. It's a pure, consuming hate that prevents them from coming back to Konoha. I wouldn't even try." Alright, the hate on my part was a lie, but perhaps it would get to them and make them give it up. "I keep them saner than they would be otherwise, and curb their pointless blood lust, but that's the extent of what I can do."

I could tell I'd lost their trust now, except maybe Yamato's. That was good. They shouldn't trust too much.

"You don't seem hateful," Sakura said carefully. "If you don't mind, why not come to Konoha? We could help you research your condition."

"Konoha's soul research is far less extensive. I also don't much desire to get experimented on and killed again by Danzo," I said sharply.

"Orochimaru is a deal with a devil," Jiraiya said coldly. "You'll end up regretting going to him. Everyone eventually does."

"Perhaps," I said with equal cool. "But the devil knows what souls are."

"You're leaking us all this information for a reason," Kakashi deduced. "A shinobi of your caliber would not do this unthinkingly." Flatterer. Also wrong. "Is your agenda to get us to suspect the Konoha council?"

"Sasuke wanted me to convince you all to stop chasing him. He thinks you're pests." If they thought about it carefully, they'd realize this motivation didn't quite match up, but I thought it better to just give them a hidden motive to find so they wouldn't beat themselves over looking for the underneath. "I admit I was also curious about his old team mates." I shrugged. "And here I've barely had any chance to see what you can do."

"I'll be glad to show you! And then you'll know I'll never give up on Sasuke!" Naruto said, proceeding to make no sense. He ran off.

"Um, okay?" I said, confused.

"Don't mind him, he's always like that," Sakura scoffed.

"Hey!" he exclaimed in the distance. "Come on!"

Chuckling I followed with the rest.

.

.

They were impressive, I give them that. I think the mood was considerably more jovial and relaxed after we fought together. Jiraiya looked like he'd seen a ghost – ironically – when I released my spirit from my body to attack the enemy ninja. "Where did you learn that?"

"Orochimaru?"

"That bastard... no, you need a natural affinity for it to pull off that technique." That surprised me. Had Orochimaru been keeping secrets from me? "I knew someone else who could manifest their spirit outside their body, a man named Dan."

"Interesting," I remarked.

We continued battle. It was, in my opinion, fairly unremarkable, a straight forward affair of locating and killing the giant spider queen, wasp queen, and flea queens, though some of the bugs managed to sap a bit at my chakra and blood, to my annoyance. Jumpy little buggies just didn't want to stay still. I had taken on the giant flea queen all by myself, and was a little winded.

Which was exactly what they wanted, wasn't it? As Naruto gave a magical speech of friendship to the main villain behind all of this, I pulled out a book to read from a seal in my pouch. Kakashi tensed when he saw me reaching for a pouch, then incredulous when he saw it was just an entomology study book. I had always rather liked bugs when they weren't biting me, and it was something to read. No, I hadn't known there would be bugs ahead of time; I had lots of different books with me. I tried to identify a species of butterfly that landed in front of me, flipping through pictures and trying to follow it around as it flew from flower to flower without startling it.

"Just passing through, aye?" his voice was heavy with suspicion. I supposed it looked bad.

I shrugged and showed him my other books: book of diseases, math, anatomy book, animal field guide, mineral and rock guide, for weather reading a farmer's almanac. I was an avid reader.

He looked almost disappointed. "Hm. Alright then."

Seeing they'd won the day, I packed my books up and went to leave silently.

"Hey, wait! You helped out, you should celebrate with us!" Sakura's voice stopped me, and I turned my head around to see her smiling at me. I was surprised and uncertain what her motive here was, but dipped my head and decided, what the heck, I could drink a little sake with them. We were legal adults, we might as well if we wanted. And it would cast suspicions on my age if I refused to drink because of age, although I could just tell them I disliked drink. Yeah, I'd do that last one, actually, it seemed simplest. I needed to stay sober here.

.

.

The village we rescued from insect apocalypse celebrated with fireworks that night. I watched for a little, politely accepting dinner with them, though I really didn't belong there. Tenzo seemed oddly happy to have me around though. He kept looking at me, it weirded me out a bit.

"If it isn't rude, may I ask, why are you chasing Sasuke?" I asked.

I'd mentally prepared myself for all the things they might say: that he is a friend who needs to be retaught the value of friendship, that a family or team needs to stay together, that he 'belongs' to the Leaf and can't just leave, that he's a traitor and must be brought to justice.

"Because he's like a brother to me," Naruto said with uncharacteristic quietness and solemness. "I won't let Orochimaru get his grubby hands over him, hurt him, warp his mind and steal his body."

The food on my chopsticks fell off from lack of attention and lax hold as I examined him, unable to entirely believe what I'd just heard. "So all of that is just to – to protect him?" It hadn't crossed my mind as a possibility. I suppose I am not used to others looking after me.

The uncertainty in my voice didn't go unnoticed by the others, but Naruto just gave a characteristic sincere grin. "Yup."

"I believe you give your team mate too little credit. You can protect yourselves, and he can do the same. I've seen Sasuke, he's always seemed strong enough to take care of himself. In fact I don't think he can really remember anything else," I confessed.

"You've seen him? How is he?" Sakura dubbed this more important than arguing with me. One had to credit her with good taste.

"He's grown very strong. In fact, I'd say he's on par with me. I'd feel quite unlucky and baffled if I had to go against him." This amused me perhaps a little too much to say. It sounded so vain, but on another level it wasn't hard to be detached. It was easy for me to think of Sasuke as someone else. I didn't feel like they could possibly be talking about me, even though they were. I was... like an imposter, the Neko side having overwhelmed the rest of me. Him. I was a monster who shouldn't have been sitting here.

"He's always inspired me to try to become stronger, so infuriating when he looks down on me that it makes me want to prove I'm worthy to fight; so it inspires me to hear you say that," said Naruto. "He's my rival. More than that, he's the brother I never had."

I felt a little guilty. "Sometimes brothers are quite shitty. I suppose he's done a good job of living up to that for you, then." Kakashi had an interestingly thoughtful look on his face, like he'd just made a connection. He knew I knew about Itachi, and that I sympathized. If not for my proof that I was Neko, he'd likely have accused me of being Sasuke right then and there.

"No, you weren't there. He took me into his home, gave me food, protected my life with his own. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't care, somewhere deep down inside."

"Maybe he cared once, Naruto, but not now. He abandoned you for power," Jiraiya said dismissively. "People change."

"I don't care if I'm a fool. I am going to bring him back." His hands clenched in determination, and he looked me straight in the eyes. "You! Will you help me?"

I pretended embarrassment, putting a hand to the back of my head. "Well, I promised Sasuke to try to convince you not to chase after him, so that's kind of cross purposes to my mission. But I'll give him a message for you."

"Tell him that we're coming for him, and that we miss him and worry about him," Sakura said softly.

"Is that all?" I said with surprise. Not good with argument, were they... "Not anything about, oh, how you want to protect him?"

"I think that might just piss him off," said Naruto thoughtfully. "As you said, it sounds like we think he can't protect or take care of himself. But I'm worried. I wish he'd realize he doesn't have to do everything alone, and that he doesn't need to pursue a path of self destruction. See, it's not that he can't take care of himself, it's that I think he doesn't want to!"

That was quite articulate. And strikingly true. A large part of me really didn't care if I threw myself away, if I ran myself to the ground and left myself in tatters trying to chase Itachi to justice or if I blew myself up in some idiotic experiment. There was no meaning, no reason not to. "I think you're right. He doesn't want to," I agreed with him amiably. "The question is, how do you balance need with wants, with right to self determination? If you would sacrifice yourself for a cause, why can't he?" I tilted my head, forgetting about dinner entirely and enjoying the philosophical conversation, waving a chopstick at him before remembering that in the hands of a ninja nearly anything could be a lethal weapon and threat. "How do you decide for him what his needs are?"

"If he kills himself, he won't have any needs anymore," Sakura said calmly. "We care about his well being. Yes, more than about his self destructive wants. I don't think they even make him happy, or that he truly wants to hurt himself or cut off all bonds to everyone, so why should we prioritize that over his well being?"

"You are very kind. He doesn't deserve you as team mates." They'd grown so much. "He's not a friend to you. Why are you a friend to him?"

"Because I never abandon anyone. I want to help everyone. I'm like everyone's friend. It's my ninja way!" Naruto exclaimed, grinning broadly.

"Those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash," Kakashi added in.

Sakura was oddly silent; I wondered if she was struggling with the question. Good for her, that would make her the only one in the lot with a lick of sense to consider that maybe she could be friendly to him without declaring him an outright friend; there were degrees, after all, and you didn't have to be friends with everyone you didn't plan to kill.

I couldn't help but smile. "I'll pass on the message." I stood up.

I seriously considered removing my mask, feeling moved with the desire for earnest, honest conversation. To let them know I was touched they cared, that I was okay, honestly. I realized their dreams and mine weren't in struggle anymore, if they even had been. They had merely cared about my well being. I had just been too blind, too confused and paranoid to recognize it.

And yet, if I did, what would happen? Would I just go straight back? I couldn't yet. I hadn't finished my training to my satisfaction, I hadn't made any attempt at Itachi, and in truth, going to Konoha I'd just be going straight back to the captors who thought it would be fun to imprison me and seriously contemplate raping me for my blood line; even if the Hokage said no, my old murderer clearly wasn't trustworthy.

"You know what? I'll even help you a little." I tapped my mask in thought. "I'll try to get him to give you a message back, or even arrange a meeting in person. Would you like that?"

"Yes! Oh, thank you." Naruto whooped.

"Caution, Naruto, this could easily be turned into a trap," Jiraiya took over the situation. "The meeting would have to be in an area and time of our choosing."

"You could easily use that to try and trap Sasuke. Although, he could probably still get away. It'll also be difficult to make him go anywhere he doesn't want to, and I don't want to get called a traitor. If you're really worried about it, we can just exchange a message."

"No way, we want to see Sasuke, if you please," Sakura put in before her seniors could get a word in. He could sense they didn't entirely appreciate it, as it lacked caution, but, it was her team mate after all.

"Alright, how about a compromise. How about by the Fire Border, on the border nearest to the land of rice?"

"I don't really care where it is," Naruto shrugged. "As long as Sasuke shows up."

"It sounds acceptable."

"I think we four or five," Kakashi gave a glance at Tenzo, who nodded. "should be sufficient for most things. But it still makes me uneasy, and I wish you two would put a little more caution into things before agreeing to things."

"Bah, but then I wouldn't be me!" Naruto exclaimed. I didn't agree; he'd be different, but he would still be Naruto if he pointed his enthusiasm somewhere else.

"Your actions aren't exactly over flowing with loyalty to Orochimaru. Would you perhaps be interested in being a spy?" Jiraiya asked.

"No thanks, bub," I refused. "I might reveal something if I feel like it, but otherwise you're out of luck." Although, that might not be so bad. If Orochimaru pissed me off on something, I could tattle on him to his team mate. That was kind of a funny idea actually. A good way to permanently lose his trust, but, did I have that?

"A shining example of principles, you are," Jiraiya said with dry distaste. The feeling was mutual. "A foot trying to go in too many doors is a foot in no door.'

"Not shiny by Konoha principles, no."

.

.

note: I had originally intended the final line to be 'He took his mask off' and have that be the end of this fic, with a very open but happy ending, but, bah, this story wouldn't die!

Neko/Sasuke would have removed his/their mask at the end, not because he wants to let them control where he goes or what he does with his life, but because he finally recognizes they really aren't out to hurt him, that they love him, and that he loves them back.

But he has enemies in Konoha, and his issues, especially his trust issues and desire to do everything on his own, aren't quite sorted out yet.

17True meaning

Someone uses force to try and kidnap you, to force you to do what they want you to do, because they think their wishes are more important than yours, and that if you don't put their wishes above yours, you're being a bad friend.

Do you have the right to use force back?

Yes.

In tropes we would say this 'strawman has a point' if it was a fictional character, or if talking about a real person we might say something like that 'Hitler loved sugar and puppies, but sugar and puppies are not evil'. You can build up a person to be as vile as you like, their arguments still stand alone; otherwise it's an ad hominum, an attack on an argument via character. If the person doing the kidnapping were the main character of a book, we might say that this was a case of protagonist centered morality, since everyone who disagrees with them is certain to be more morally repugnant and kick all our favorite puppies. This becomes even more obvious when if a character commits the same action as another, say seeking to get stronger for their own dreams, it's still considered superior and above the other less favored character.

Hmm. 'My name is Renego Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die'. In this universe, he'd be a villain for wanting revenge, or something.

Someone you trust kills your family. You aren't going to trust anyone, not to help you, not to be close to you, any damn time soon. The only people who show great attention to you are teachers who praise you for your successes (and look at you with pity when you fail, rare as that may be) and people who want to get close to you for your name, or your pants, or/and the romantic image they've built of you (not that you blame them, they've been taught to romanticize), or anything but the real you.

So, with all this, you can imagine I was nervous about the meeting. We'd agreed on two weeks of time, but it felt both too short and too soon at the same time. Plus, training turned out a little more painful than normal, and I was nursing a nasty cut and bruise on my shoulder that hadn't fully gone away with jutsu. I wasn't willing to waste a huge amount of chakra to fix it up perfectly, unless I got in a serious fight.

I nervously scouted them a little before approaching. Only five that I sensed, though more could be hiding. I scanned a bit, didn't immediately see or sense anything out of the ordinary. Okay. This could go horribly bad, but, hey, I was bored and it had been nice to have someone talk sweetly and affectionately about me.

They lit up when they saw me, staring with disbelief that I was really there.

"Hey. I heard about your speech. It was quite saccharine." Having my mask off, I found myself acting more like a jerk, impulsively trying to push them away with my words which had a sneering tone to them.

"You're a grouch as always," Naruto noted gruffly, folding his arms.

"Mm. Look, I'm touched, really I am," my voice lightened a bit. "that my old team cares about my well being. But I am alright, see? I haven't been chopped into liver, and even if I am, it's still my choice. I can look after myself."

"You shouldn't have to, and you don't need to," Sakura cajoled. "Why would you even want to? Do you really think you can't get stronger with us? We've gotten plenty strong!"

Ah, now I'd hurt their dignity. "I don't doubt you have. But how did you do it? You each sought out your own sannin," I cast my gaze toward Jiraiya. "I've heard about you all, naturally. So you must believe me when I've learned things I never would have anywhere else, no offense Kakashi-sensei."

"Maah, you're pretty tough to just show up alone with all of us here. Or just cocky?" Kakashi straightened his posture and put his book away, gaze serious.

"You could rip me in half, I'd be fine," I raised my hands and exposed my palms, then dropped them in a 'so what?' manner. I had to admit, I felt mildly threatened, but not that threatened. Not anymore. Although who knew what surprises Naruto had up his sleeves?

"I'll fight you, and show you just how strong I am," Naruto looked pumped, an aggressive toothy grin on his face. "We'll see how good at protecting yourself you really are."

"I'll fight you too," promised Sakura. "I'm even physically stronger than Naruto."

"I wouldn't mind retesting you," said Kakashi in a dark tone that indicated testing wasn't what he really had in mind. Naruto looked ready to charge me, and started to walk forward.

I held up my hand in a 'wait' gesture. "And what of a different kind of strength? Have you been training your mind?"

Naruto paused, looking shifty like he suspected this was a trick question and he felt paranoid about answering. In a way, it was a trick question... because it was rhetorical. Sakura seemed to understand this instantly, "I have. How exactly have you been training yours?"

"With a wily opponent," I answered simply. Then I took a breath, and walked straight at Naruto, the weakest link here, before stopping inches from him and leaning imposingly. "You need to start questioning the world around you, instead of contently being the fool and hoping to end up lucky every time. The entire shinobi system is broken, and your faith in it has left you blind to your own enemies within. I have enemies in Leaf who would happily see me assassinated or used as a tool, I have enemies in Sound who feel the same, no matter what village I go in, I'll find enemies." I glanced at an unhappy Tenzo, thinking about Root.

"You trust too much, Naruto. What if I had been after your head, what if I'd been holding a kunai just now and stabbed it in your ribs? You didn't know I wasn't after just power." They all looked interested at this statement, until I had said it, they hadn't known. Some like Jiraiya didn't look too trusting about it. "You shouldn't have called me friend. You got lucky." Naruto looked offended. "This is going to hurt, but someone should say it. You shouldn't be Hokage." Now he really looked outraged. "You can be, but you shouldn't. What are you going to do if you do achieve your dream of peace, and suddenly you have bands of killers who have absolutely nothing to do? Continue to train children how to kill?" I waved my hand to an imaginary field of children training.

I continued: "Abandon it while other villages continue their training, so that, if lucky, in generations from now when a conflict starts Konoha will be weaker than them and easy pickings? What about other potential conflicts, have you even thought about what the fire daimyo will do to military assets who refuse to be useful to him anymore? Or will you complacently go to war on his orders? On the off chance he leaves you and Konoha alone, will you just let the surrounding fire country burn? To quote our own sensei, you need to learn to look underneath, not just blindly accept what you're told."

I glanced at Kakashi as I said this, and he looked conflicted. "If you won't think of yourself, if you are really determined to be a fool just to chase an idealistic vision of reality, think of others. It probably isn't you who will end up in the most danger; you have the Kyuubi, after all. In fact, I can tell you that if you tell anyone about this conversation, I'll have people out to assassinate me, if I don't already."

"Good god, you're as bad as Orochimaru. Enemies in Konoha? You're paranoid and delusional!" Jiraiya gasped.

I looked at Tenzo, who had been quiet, simply waiting to provide support. "One word. Root."

Tenzo nodded at me in agreement. Everyone looked at him like he was a traitor.

"But Orochimaru is different! He's out to steal your body! He steals a new one every three years!" Sakura blurted.

"I know," I said bluntly, to their shock.

"And you're okay with that?"

"I am. I fixed it so he doesn't need to steal a human life anymore, but trusting him, he'll be a dumb-ass about it and go after me anyway," I sighed like I thought everyone but me was a fool. Which was partially true. I thought Tenzo was okay.

"You're disturbingly like my old partner in far too many ways," observed Jiraiya. "As such, I can't trust a word you say to be anything but manipulative. Don't trust this snake, Naruto."

"Ah... Sasuke's just confused." Naruto tried to come to an explanation that would fit his idealism, and I resisted the urge to slap myself in the head. "Maybe there are a few bad apples somewhere in Konoha, like the people who called me a demon, but they aren't all bad! Certainly much better than a guy who wants to kill you and steal your body! I'm certainly not going to leave Konoha!"

"I wasn't suggesting you should. That would be stupid for you, actually," I told him bluntly, just getting him more confused.

"Well... if it's not so bad, you should come back!"

I thought he'd be like that. "Think about it. Look for enemies. Don't forget to watch your back. I can't be looking after you forever." I took steps back. "I think it's time to part ways. I have things to do. Goodbye again, Naruto."

"No!" he shouted, launching himself at me.

I flash-stepped away, and summoned a giant snake.

.

.

Orochimaru was very sick, and I stood next him at his bedside, thinking quietly. He looked surprisingly vulnerable. It was getting time to switch. Stronger and stronger medicines weren't doing it for him. Would he go after me? Everyone said he would. Even in my head, I thought so. Yet, I still did not strike first, despite not feeling suicidal today. In fact I felt happier than I'd felt in ages.

"Neko. Do you remember when I said my goal was to learn the underlying principles of jutsu?"

"Yes," I nodded firmly, wondering how I could ever forget.

"My goal isn't just that. It's to learn the meaning of existence."

I looked sympathetically at him. "You won't learn that by playing God, Orochimaru. It's funny, but I wanted to learn that too once. What did you want the answer to be? That you meant something?"

He was quiet. Perhaps he didn't want to reveal something so vulnerable. But then he had been extremely quiet today. "...yes."

"I stopped wondering when I figured it out," I told him, quietly taking my hand in his and giving it a squeeze, though he'd probably forget all about my sympathy later. I suppose it was more for my own satisfaction than his, then.

He stared at me with a degree of despair and wistfulness. Not being slow to put the dots together, there was a flicker of horror there too. "You killed yourself."

"You are familiar with how our brains are responsible for our feelings, our instincts, and that they are all wired for survival? That any trait that does not get passed on to the next generation is lost forever?"

He nodded, giving me a look that said 'do not toy with me, get to the point'.

"Then why do you think you desire meaning? What do you think the purpose, the meaning you crave so deeply for is? We are hard wired by our brains to interpret everything, to look for symbols and meaning out of the sounds hurling out of our mouth, and by that wiring, to look for hidden meaning in things that aren't even sounds. It's how we learn language, it's how we read and write, it's how we communicate and think. But not everything in life is a word. Eventually, something just has to stand for itself. Something has to stand underneath it all. Look underneath the underneath. That's existence." I'm pretty sure Kakashi never quite meant his catch-phrase to be used quite that way, but it suited my purposes just fine. I carefully thought for a moment. "We are also wired to have feelings, wants, desires, in particular, for food, for shelter and safety, for knowledge and novelty," he seemed to be accepting this so far, although his face was not exactly expressive and seemed carefully blank so who knew what he was feeling, "to be needed by our community, to be admired and cherished, to have a community, to communicate, and to have a meaning and purpose in that community." I didn't think he was going to like this. "That is what you desire. That is your humanity's screaming for meaning." You are lonely and miserable, despite the fact you have numbed yourself to human interaction and do not get much of anything out of it anymore. You struggle to see people as people and so you cannot even see yourself.

His look gained a twitch of ugliness, not liking this. "I have no humanity." A scared denial.

I continued calmly, "A conflict with your own dreams and self expression, your needs, and your community. When people can't find all their needs in their community, which is often because humans are by nature seeking creatures, and because communities are often toxic and damaging to the very individuals within them, or simply because the world is dangerous and no community perfectly safe, they often try to look elsewhere. That is why people become more religious when things are unsafe and conditions are miserable. But people also look when nothing is wrong at all, because we need to communicate, and that means always trying to assign an intent to everything and seeing faces in random shapes and nooks of trees and in the clouds themselves."

"So, you're saying there is no meaning," he spat angrily.

"Not exactly. We stand for what we want to stand for, because unlike the rock and the soil and the random face in a tree, we do have intent. We do talk. We do create meanings." Sighing and squeezing his hand, I finally admitted something to myself. "And you mean something to me." Even if I was not quite sure of the word to label it. But not everything needs labels. It was fine going unsaid.

"No! I won't hear it!" he started to shriek, like a child throwing a fit, and flung his arm away from my grip. "I will great, I will mean something, all on my own!" His neck and body started to distort, elongating, gaining scales.

Orochimaru showed me his true form, and I was deeply disappointed in him. I hadn't expected much else, but it was still grotesque to see just how ugly his true face was. A white snake, really?

He thought I was going to slash at him or stab him. In reality, I was going to tie his obnoxious petty self into knots and sit on him until he behaved himself. Which might be never.

"What stupidity compelled you to this charming and brilliant idea?" I scowled at him.

"Not stupidity, Sssasuke. I desire your power, your body. I am immortal and it will be mine!" He sprang himself at me.

I punched him in the face, he flicked his tongue around my arm – absolutely disgusting – and without regret I stabbed it. "You have some serious consent issues," I told him an understatement.

He hissed at me, lurching back.

"And you're calling me Sasuke, I notice. No Neko-kun anymore?" Oddly, I didn't feel hurt. I was used to being the most calm and stable person in the room, to having an adult twice my age come crying to me and come for comfort. To having to take care of everyone, and struggle to find the energy to care for myself in the mean time. So it didn't take much for me to view adults as being just like over grown children, even when they imposed unfair and arbitrary rules (and then broke said rules, tripped over them, and I had to take care of them, again). His tantrum didn't hurt, just exasperate, because like always, I swear, I understood it better than the tantrum thrower did. Emotional self reflection clearly was not Orochimaru's strong suit, and I understood that too.

It helped I wasn't a twelve year old anymore, thank goodness. I think if I was, I'd have been feeling quite hurt in spite of knowing better. And I would have been scared and angry toward the big, scary person. But I wasn't small, he wasn't so big, nor scary anymore. I wrestled with him.

Eventually, he gave a bit, panting. He was ill, as well as incredibly upset, and honestly, in such a condition this was not entirely a fair fight.

Then he started crying, shifting back into a frail human form, and it was just awkward, as I felt like I'd unintentionally humiliated him. Of course, there was nothing wrong with tears, but our culture shamed them. Real ninja don't cry, don't show emotion, don't let anything distract from the mission, you know. And I couldn't help but remember the few times I'd burst into tears, how I had hated my lack of control, and more how I had hated everyone staring weirdly at me, and sometimes the even nastier feeling that someone was delighting in my pain. So I schooled my expression like nothing had even happened, like there was nothing at all weird or awkward, because, hey, it wasn't weird, not really, just human. And I gave him a small, reassuring smile, though he was not looking at me, and cautiously put my hand on his back reassuringly, knowing the touch could just as easily freak him out worse.

Then I wrapped him into a hug, and couldn't help but give wide but shaky and disbelieving grin, because I felt a strange relief and joy. A part of me was tense and just waiting for it all to explode again, for him to turn and try to stab me, but, I think he was in worse shock than I was. Still, he could relapse at any moment.

To my surprise, he didn't fight anymore.

Kabuto walked in to the door way and froze in surprise with a platter in his hands, looking over the damaged room, and at me holding a much quieter but still distraught looking Orochimaru. "What did you do to him?" his voice was freezing, frigid with anger. I think it was only the medicine he was carrying that stopped him from attacking me then and there.

"Nothing. He attacked me. We talked. I told him the meaning of existence. Little things like that."

Kabuto didn't smile over my joke, one hand out and ready to attack, the other holding the platter, his stance very protective. "Are you a God, Neko-san?" The question some idiots say you should always say yes to, which works real well up until they test if you bleed.

"I don't think so. You did hear that I died and came back, yes? I can see how that might draw such a conclusion. Perhaps I became the Buddha by accident." I hummed. "I hate saying things twice, but it is very simple. Everything we feel and desire, we evolved. We are wired to see meaning in things, to make everything a symbol. But not everything can be a symbol for something else. Underneath the underneath, there must be just reality. And that reality is, we were built to be social, seeking creatures with purpose within their social group; not necessarily to be a lackey, but to have a purpose that meshes with our self. To be used merely as a tool like the shinobi do, to have our basic other needs not met by our community's purpose for us, can leave us feeling meaningless and searching for something more. Because we are limited to what our brains evolved for, this is the only meaning that actually matters, because something more esoteric, like our meaning being to eventually make a certain number of humans in a certain pattern, would make no sense to our evolved sense of meaning, even if some god came out of the sky and said our meaning was to match ten thousand and nothing more or less. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I believe so," he adjusted his glasses, instead of going for a weapon, so I believe he was feeling calmer, or perhaps reassuring himself through a familiar tic by doing an action he associated with greater control, by controlling his field of vision. "He needs to transfer now. I take it you refused."

"Yes. Sorry, but he was awfully rude about it." Serious consent issues. Very serious. "I'll get the clone." I began to rise.

"No," Orochimaru spoke weakly, suddenly gripping me tightly. I sat back down.

"I'll get it," Kabuto said in a business-like manner, turning to dart down the hall with quick, long strides.

"I think I will just let myself die," he said, shocking me. It was completely unlike him. "I've lived past my time. I'm old. I'm weak. I stand for nothing. Just a fool chasing his shadow." He sounded firm, but I doubted he was truly so calm, sane and rational as he tried to appear. The despair there belied that.

I looked him in the eye. "None of that. Kabuto and I both want you to live. You've been given a second chance. Given mercy. What of your dream to learn the hidden principles of jutsu?"

"You have a better chance of that then I do," he coughed. He was not entirely wrong, I had to admit, even if I didn't think I was going to manage it either. It seemed like a lot of magic sometimes; it's hard to remind yourself that if something breaks the laws of physics, then that's also part of the laws of physics, and the physics you knew just happened to be an incomplete model of the universe. I was on the verge of concluding we were characters in a story several times before veering away (it would make a great deal of rational sense), because that line of thinking was absurd.

"Even better if I had help. You really going to leave me with a bunch of idiots to talk to? They won't understand if I say it to them," I scolded him teasingly, trying to fluff up his self esteem. "What use is language, art and meaning if there is no one around to understand it? None. It doesn't exist. Stay. Don't give in to sappy unthinking morals about how we all have our time to die now. Not until you can at least give a rational, well thought out argument for it."

"Neko-kun," he said, sounding like his typical old self, and looking more like himself too, that calculating expression in his eyes again. "You are so very exasperating."

Kabuto brought in the experimental clone of Orochimaru. I had been fairly surprised when, in my attempts, I discovered Kabuto had already been starting research on cloning on his own; it certainly made things much quicker It didn't have a mind and had always been completely unconscious, so, overwriting said non-mind was completely harmless. Unless you are part of that rare crowd that says brain dead fetuses or human vegetables are more important than thinking and fully aware human life. That's a crowd.

"I try," I said with amusement.

Kabuto seemed a bit lost himself, these recent events making him frown deeply into thought.

"Neko, I want to apologize," Orochimaru said unexpectedly. "I felt so helpless when I thought you were trying to destroy my dream, that maybe everything I had done had been for naught. I felt so helpless when I realized I could not defeat you. I thought I was going to die. I would not have shown you mercy in the same circumstance. I didn't show you mercy."

"It's okay," I rebuffed him. "None needed, this time. You are only human." Perhaps I was too forgiving. It mattered not.

Immortality, or psuedo-immortality as this method might be called didn't make you immune to all harm, had many complications, and ethical considerations like how did you decide who got to live longer and who didn't if it was a limited resource. But it wasn't inherently immoral to simply live a bit longer. And I was selfish, and human, and I wanted him to live for awhile.

I wanted to live, a good, full life for awhile. No matter how difficult that might end up being. We could face those challenges together.

END.

So, that's it. That is Zombie Cat Science, in totality. For now, at least. Maybe one day a sequel. I tried a minimalist approach. The following is just me rambling.

It's nice to finally finish a long fic, and an interesting project. It's also nice to be able to read a fic about an ace genderqueer character, those being so rare. I mass-wrote it in just a couple of days, and looking back I can see it kind of suffers for that, even if I enjoyed it personally. I've now divvied it up into something a little easier to digest than that massive 60k+ one-shot I originally posted. I'll fully admit it; it depresses me the fic didn't receive more attention, but I suppose I kind of asked for it with my irregular bored multi-chapter updates, the fact everyone knew the story was going to be finished whether they reviewed or not, and the fact that it could have just plain been written better, tighter. It meandered and had superfluous plot elements.

I struggled too over the proper rating: on one hand, I've seen worse fics rated T, on the other, it has a mention of rape and the main character actually commits suicide. Twice.

I can see this easily mostly fitting into canon from here on out if you squint reaaallly hard, since Sasuke joined Orochimaru in canon anyway. They just weren't this friendly, and the Hokage didn't get to live. And I don't see Neko trying to slaughter all of Konoha, but maybe some 'curse of hate' mental influence does batty shit to your mind? I didn't ever obsessively read and watch every last bit of the manga, but I have the basic jist. I think my character just royally trashed the plot. :P Oh well.

Above all, it was the story of a depressed person finding their way in life again. Two of them.

Also, some humanistic philosophy. It's completely unique to me and entirely in my own words, but I don't think the exact belief itself that humans evolved to find meaning in their communities is itself new, since it isn't much of a leap from 'humans evolved, we have brains that are products of our evolution'. Or maybe it is new. -shrug- Well, I'm wasting it on fanfic, so enjoy.

Moral viewpoint / who's right or wrong?:

As to whether Naruto or Neko were correct, neither are entirely. They are both right and wrong. Neko is correct to perceive friends who want to punch him/her and brutally drag them-self back home regardless of their own wishes to be kind of abusive and threatening, Naruto is correct that letting a self destructive person like Sasuke run out to potentially get kidnapped by a murderous snake freak isn't a very good decision. Naruto is foolish not to think about the consequences of Sasuke getting dragged home as a missing-nin, but so is Neko, who didn't really think about it much either but was too apathetic to care what would happen to them-self and a little too far gone in the head to recognize the agony Neko was causing to their friends.

Is Neko a boy or girl, gay or straight, trans or cis:

None of those. They are genderqueer / agendered, only identifying as one gender or another mostly out of bodily comfort. They are also, at the most, demisexual, but probably just asexual because it really, really doesn't matter to the story. They still may feel the desire to have someone to love and hold just like everyone else, just not the lust. Which sucks lemons, since almost no one ever wants to be in a relationship with an ace and non-aces often find it a betrayal or creepy when a friend just wants to kiss them.

Sometimes aces will have sex anyway, for the satisfaction of their partner, but they shouldn't be pressured into it.

On Orochimaru's character and why I wrote him this way: As the story went on, Orochimaru changed a little by little in attitude; the key was another person like himself (but not too much like him) who could kind of speak his language, ruthless pragmatism, and yet who came to very different results with it, sometimes better results. Orochimaru might be a little OoC, if so, that's because I made him more motivated by 'hidden principles' than by 'setting pinwheels in motion', to quote his own canon stated motivations. And finally, by his other stated motivation, to find the meaning in everything, which seemed to me his ultimate motivation along with fear of death. It always sucks to me when the one character I identify with in a story is the evil one.

A part of me kind of wanted to just write 'Science loving Sasuke', but that wouldn't have quite worked I think; part of the equation was the fact the other person was immortal, something Orochimaru would be forced to respect, being one of his own goals.

It would also, and that is not something that would happen over night or even I think very much until he finally confronts his own mortality, make it safer to feel fondness for them, because grieving their death will never be an issue. He doesn't strike me as the sort who wants close bonds, feels any deep urge for them, or the like, but I think a more sane version of him would enjoy having a sane person of a similar mindset to himself to talk to, for the intellectual satisfaction and curiosity alone at least. A completely similar mindset, one just as ruthless, would be too threatening, but someone just on the edge who can understand ruthlessness intellectually but feels no need for it themselves would fit best.

Pissing off Konoha by stealing something they want would be a massive bonus, of course, and so would having an interesting object of study who is relaxed and nutty enough to volunteer for experiments.

I also don't think, despite his rage at being treated as ignorant, he actually understood emotional bonds at the start of the fic. Talking about it in detached terms with Neko, who has a better perspective yet enough detachment themselves to see things from a more antisocial emotionless point of view, would help him come to grips with it better, and easier to swallow without the indignation of moral lectures he would have received from other people trying to tell him he's 'heartless' or people who would try to cure him with punches (typical ninja _).

It might have been more realistic and likely for him to stay a completely manipulative bastard and for him to just be a psychopath.

If it truly bothers you, we can say ninja work didn't do him any favors and that this particular version would have been more normal without becoming a soldier; perfectly normal people taught to be soldiers will do atrocities when ordered, and some then come home and do the same to their own civilians given the opportunity. I could easily see a person otherwise cognitively normal being encouraged to torture and experiment on enemies and then internalizing that attitude toward their own people as a coping method. It is something that genuinely happens.

In that vein, this is also a story of Konoha's well meaning failures, as 'good guys' who think everything they do is for the best. It's hard not to have good guy status when your villains are literal cackling snake-faced bastards, but when your villains are a little more nuanced and can't be brought to heel with punches of friendship, you tend to end up not looking quite so swell, especially when torture is among your tactics.

(As an aside, summoning seems broken. What's preventing everyone from fleeing from any battle they want to flee from, again? Perhaps I missed that explanation?)

Other details:

You could kind of see me getting bored toward the end as I skipped things, but, for some of it the skipping was fully planned from the start; I didn't plan to hash out every little detail of canon when events go exactly the same, and I think many fanfic authors make the mistake of rehashing canon details and wasting entire chapters to get to the actual new material they want to write. In short, they don't write a story, they write a 'corrected' version of another story, which can get quite dull and boring... although they seem to be the most popular stories on the site sometimes, so, meh, what do I know. Nothing, apparently.

I was super-tempted to have Itachi do the rescue, and I think someone should very much make a fic about Sasuke getting jailed by Konoha and Itachi springing him free out of love and desperation if someone hasn't already. I'd love to read it! No real Itachi in this fic, but, well, let's say Neko doesn't care about him and chasing him as much anymore at the end of it, so that's a form of resolution.

A part of me has been thinking about what I 'want' from fanfic, why I sometimes search restlessly. I think I often look to fanfic for a conclusion, an analysis you wouldn't find in the original work. Most of the time, those analysis's tend to be simple: 'what if so and so had a diff team!' but I at heart desire a little bit more than that. A different view into a character's mind and what makes them tick, a deconstruction of the themes of a work and whether the goals the characters are working for are really the best things they could wish for, whether their methods would work long term... things like that. Interesting little stuff. Hence, this character driven fiction.

Ran up 120 pages in open office org and around 70,000 words, whoot, all in one month. Nearly killed myself with lack of sleep.