Chapter Seven: Guilt

For something so specific, guilt is rather well rounded and often transforms into other faces with ease, anger, dislike, sadness, frustration, they all seem if not to be a cover for guilt – to be its close friends. Then, it also inspires much philanthropy as people try to ease it…how much worse or better would the world be without it?

Emily –

Falling, I enjoy it. I always have.

The wind tearing past your head, the weightlessness of it. It's the closest thing to flying that I ever expect to get. There is a freedom to letting yourself just fall, joining the rest of the drops of water in the storm, recognizing that you are so much smaller than the world makes you feel sometimes. I remember explaining it to Wyman once. He didn't understand, he told me that my description of it was a bit terrifying but that I was cute all the same. He loved me…

How many more people would die for love of me? Mother didn't die because of me but I still remember the sword going through her all the same. She died for this crown, the one that nearly killed father, that killed Wyman. Would it be any easier if I didn't call on my power and stop my fall? If I just let myself hit the ground and left all of this behind? No. If I wasn't here someone worse could just take my place. Dunwall was mine…

Wyman had been mine too…

At least one of them I could save. I had been falling a while, longer than I should have let myself probably, but I knew my city well…I'd wandered it often in the past. I was about to call on the power that I'd been given by the Outsider, I was already reaching my hand to the side where it could pull me to a balcony and I'd be safe from the impact of the cobblestones below. When I opened my eyes however, the world had stopped…

Around me droplets of water were paused in midair, only moving to the side when I shifted my arm. I blinked at the sight…it was beautiful, the lights from below reflected in each of the tiny orbs, making the sky seem brighter than it was, as if it were filled with fireflies. Even upside down I could appreciate the beauty of it…a backalley of my broken capital frozen in a moment was perhaps one of the loveliest things I'd seen. I reached out, pulling a few drops together and they moved as I willed them, crafting a larger bauble of water in the air near my chest.

"Are you planning to move or just play for a while?" The voice I knew well, I glanced in wonder toward the outsider who was standing on the same balcony I'd planned to escape to before time had stopped. Was this just a fraction of his power then? How long had he left me hanging there? Was there any way to measure time that was frozen? I blinked at him, then looked back at the frozen droplets, committing the moment to memory. It was a fitting goodbye…a sort of timeless tribute to a man that had been important…

I joined the Outsider on the balcony a moment later, pushing the water from my eyes and hair, I knew I had to look a mess but I felt better after the run. Like I had let go of something…I glanced toward the alley, smiling a little since he hadn't started moving the rain yet. "It's beautiful…how much power do you have to just be able to turn off the clock?"

"Enough, but not as much as you might believe." He offered what I was coming to expect from him. A non-answer. The drench came a moment later and I started a bit at the sudden change, looking back at him, glad for the overhang above us. I noted he wasn't wet and shook my head, figures he wouldn't be.

"I um…I owe you an apology. It isn't your fault what happened…I shouldn't have taken it out on you." I apologized, because that's what one should do when one is wrong. I was wrong more than I would like, but lacked the ability to apologize very often because an Empress should never show any sort of defeat. I was still guilty, and sad, and angry…but I appreciated that he'd come here after me when I'd only tried to start a fight with him. Perhaps he wasn't as careless as I'd thought. "Thank you for coming after me."

"I do need you to complete the ritual after all." He commented coolly enough that I wasn't sure if he was joking or serious. I had to stare a short moment before he offered his half smile and I relaxed. "Besides, did I not promise your father I would look after you?"

"I guess…but I still shouldn't have been angry with you…mostly I was angry….but at myself…I hadn't barely thought about Wyman in a while…then it all came up at once." I drifted off, what was I doing? I frowned. "Sorry, you aren't here to be my confidant. I should not be so informal with you."

"Is that what you are?" He asked, curiously.

"I…am sometimes." I answered, glad for the cold since it covered up the blush I felt creeping to my face. For all my distaste this evening… my chest tightened when I looked at him. Of all the emotions, these were the exact sort that were irresponsible for me to have. Yet, I couldn't help it…even after learning about Wyman it didn't just turn off how I felt…I wished it could. "Do you often turn off time when it rains?"

"It is good to get a different perspective occasionally." The Outsider answered, glancing to where it was still pouring down outside our balcony. His next statement came after a long enough pause that it was difficult to tell if he meant the first statement as a part of the second. "I don't mind that you speak to me informally Empress, if it helps you, you should do so."

"It isn't that simple." I followed his gaze outside, not wanting to watch him…but somehow it only made our encounter more intimate – us stashed away with only the other for company, in the middle of a hidden sanctum within the storm. Our balcony indeed. Gone and far from the troubles of the crown, I felt more freedom here…more myself. It made me more open to imagination and possibility but that also scared me. What mistakes would I make if I let these sorts of thoughts in? I had a throne to return to after all.

"Does it need to be?" He had stayed silent a moment before asking the question. I chewed my lip as I considered the implications. Was he asking me leading questions or was I just reading too much into it? Then again, he was here…

"Why did you come after me? You didn't have to." I asked, hoping and not hoping that he was being honest with his first statement. If he had no mutual interest it would be so much easier to ignore the butterflies in my stomach after all. I at least managed to look back at him, swallowing when I realized he'd been staring at me instead of the storm before I had. Even with the disguise that made him look more human, I knew what power lie just beneath the illusion.

"I wanted to." He replied, his voice still was light – a hum just above the thrum of the storm around us. A whisper in the wind that still was loud enough to carry over the other noises around us. I didn't need to strain to hear him but at the same time it was light enough that were I much farther away I wouldn't have noticed him. "It was noted I could have chosen a better way to phrase the information, in retrospect I agree."

"You aren't very good at apologizing." I noted, but smiled nonetheless at his answer. "I guess you don't get a lot of practice at it."

"No." He agreed, but he didn't make more effort either. I suppose I'd sort of accepted it by acknowledging that he was apologizing in the first place. These were the sorts of moments I'd always adored, being away from the limelight, out of the view of everyone else…I doubted even father would be able to spot me easily in this mess…and yet I still felt at ease even with the god of the void standing nearby. There was certainly something very wrong with me.

"I…" I wasn't sure what to say, or how I should say it…perhaps I was just taken with the ideal of romance in this sort of moment. Perhaps anyone else would have just thought me insane for considering our strange relationship intimate just now. Either way, I didn't get the chance to confess that I had questionable feelings for the Outsider. He pulled me suddenly behind him, and it was a second later I felt the warm wet stickiness of blood leaking down along my hand on his shoulder. The image of exclusion shattered as shock replaced the false sense of security…

The Outsider –

Guilt.

It was an unexpected feeling.

I didn't have it often, usually only on the rare occasions I crossed my own set of guidelines. I did have a code after all, someone with the amount of power I possessed needed a strict one else things get out of hand. Like children being sacrificed to the Void in search of personal gain… Still, I had been the reason Emily had run off into the growing storm and it was now my duty to look after her. I didn't finish both the plates, though my stomach was rumbling its protest when I left. Guilt was confusing and thus far illogical, certainly there was nothing particularly likable about it. I planned to avoid it in the future.

Easier planned than accomplished.

When I reached her she was falling head first for the ground, with seemingly little intent to save herself…but I knew she had abilities other humans would lack. Finding her had been easy enough even in the rain coming down just as quickly around her. It was a simple task to follow the connection my mark created, to know where and what was happening to those with it. I had to admit, despite that ability, I hadn't quite expected to see this. I paused time to consider her, even if she'd been crying the tears would have blended with the precipitation so it was impossible to tell. Her face was relaxed however, there was even a slight smile at the edge of her lips. I could presume she'd either gotten over what was vexing her or she was quite content in this drop of hers.

Normally, I wouldn't interfere, it wasn't in my code to directly act on a person, at least in any way that would leave them knowledge of my presence. For all the rumors about my involvement in everyday affairs of mortals, I rarely did more than watch them. Though, this wasn't the first time I stepped in on Emily's behalf, I doubted it would be the last. With a thought, she was pulled into the paused time with me, I leaned on the railing of a nearby overhang. The apartment inside had been abandoned months before the recent issues. It took her a moment to notice, and when she did she seemed boggled by floating upside down with the paused raindrops around her.

She was like a child for a moment, playing with moving the water and forming larger pools in the air. I didn't understand the human fascination with the supernatural but I could appreciate that it seemed to exist in nearly all of them. After a moment to allow her the wonder I spoke up. "Are you planning to move or just play for a while?"

A shocked glance, even though she had to have known it was me, her eyes darting between me and the hanging water around us. She stared at it a long time before she called on the power I'd given her to bring her to the balcony where I stood. She looked back at it, still seeming more in awe of me than I could recall her previously. Humans picked out odd times to be impressed.

"It's beautiful…" She breathed, pushing water from her face and hair. She was soaked after her run outside…while I hadn't gotten wet through no conscious action of my own. "How much power do you have to just be able to turn off the clock?"

"Enough, but not as much as you might believe." I offered the vague answer, I'd gotten into the habit for them over the years when I did speak to humans with my gifts. I realized that I had kept myself dry through no effort…and had to think about allowing even my clothes to get wet. Something I would need to note when we were on a ship traveling if I had to pretend to be mortal.

"I um…I owe you an apology. It isn't your fault what happened…I shouldn't have taken it out on you." She apologized, looking uncomfortable…then following it up with gratitude. A swift change in feeling… "Thank you for coming after me."

"I do need you to complete the ritual after all." I remarked, it was as close to a joke that I ever really came no matter how calm I sounded I did tell them occasionally. ""Besides, did I not promise your father I would look after you?"

I could see Corvo trying to hunt me out had I let her fall.

"I guess…but I still shouldn't have been angry with you…mostly I was angry….but at myself…I hadn't barely thought about Wyman in a while…then it all came up at once." She frowned suddenly, breaking off in her description of what had happened. I doubt she even noticed she was shaking her head negatively, it was so slight it was probably subconscious. "Sorry, you aren't here to be my confidant. I should not be so informal with you."

"Is that what you are?" I had to admit, now that Sokolov had planted the seed I was curious just what was planted in Emily's mind in regards to myself.

"I…am sometimes." She said without admitting anything fully. She was growing as skilled in her non-answers as I could be. It would have been charming in any other circumstance, but I was honestly curious as to the details of her thoughts. Then she changed the subject on me. "Do you often turn off time when it rains?"

"It is good to get a different perspective occasionally." I answered, glancing away from her to the now pouring rain. I'd lost interest and stopped paying attention to my pause and time had begun again at some point during our conversation. I turned it right back to the topic at hand though, not quite willing to let her alter the course yet. "I don't mind that you speak to me informally Empress, if it helps you, you should do so."

"It isn't that simple." She stated.

I watched her, she was much more fascinating than the rain. I'd seen more rains than most people had days in their lifetimes. I wondered if that intimidated her. She certainly was dancing around offering me much more than I already knew. "Does it need to be?"

"Why did you come after me? You didn't have to." She swallowed visibly, her body pausing a moment when she met my eyes. She knew what was beneath this mask of Sokolov's, but she stared all the same. Perhaps all the realm had gone mad this early spring, it wasn't located solely in the closet I'd spent the afternoon in. Even knowing what I was or perhaps because she knew precisely what I was, she didn't blanch away from me…neither spoke well of her sanity either…

"I wanted to." I answered honestly. Though, this was all a bit more dangerous than I was expecting it to be. Emily was rather more fetching as a drowned rat than I would expect of any woman. I pressed forward, recognizing that leaving it as just those words could offer the wrong intentions. "It was noted I could have chosen a better way to phrase the information, in retrospect I agree."

"You aren't very good at apologizing." She stated with a smile. "I guess you don't get a lot of practice at it."

"No." I agreed, because it was a true observation. I rarely did anything requiring an apology. I usually did no more than point people in a direction and let them choose for themselves. I thought about adding more but there was something else here.

"I…" Whatever Emily was about to say was interrupted by me pulling her aside and stepping in front of her. I felt a change in the wind, the smoky taste of gunpowder around me a moment before the blast erupted. I also felt the agony explode across my chest with all the volume the bullet had caused shattering the air. It wasn't until the second explosion that the pain came, the bullet had hit and then erupted around me, burning into my flesh. Emily was shocked but her body was fine, I expect the way the shadows curled up around me as well as where her hand was on my shoulder was more frightening to her than the attack would have been. I grit my teeth as much in anger as pain as darkness enveloped us both.

End Chapter

Well, hopefully that was a bit more romantic and exciting than the previous chapter's angst! Whew. I can't believe I already hit over 20k words on this fic.

-Aura

To my reviewers:

Tigerfur – Yes, Emily didn't have an easy life. That's for sure. Of course, neither of them did. I think that's why they go so well together.