NOTE: Current characters are, because people (like me) are having a hard time keeping track)
Ozpin, Ironwood, Qrow, Winter, Penny
RWBY, NPR
Cinder, Mercury, Emerald
Sienna Khan, Adam Tarus
Sun Wukong, Neptune Versalis
Orb flipped through the multiverse. "Soo, I was thinking." Orb said, hovering over a universe.
Ozpin turned to look at the orb. "And what were you thinking?"
"I have a music universe here. You want to watch it?"
"I don't see why not. I do like the musical ones." Wiess said, checking her nails.
You won't like this one. Orb thought, opening up the universe.
"I wander what it's going to be?" Pyrrha said
Ren only shrugged. They had been fairly varied, but it was probably going to be part of a play.
The scene started with a beat. Then the bright, bold words in about six different fonts slammed into view.
"EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!" A voice yelled from offscreen as the camera sped downwards, looking at a very scraggly looking Ren with a beard.
"RENSPUTIN!" The voice introduced.
"REN! You really do look like a Hobo now!" Nora said, nudging ren in the side.
Ren made a disgruntled face. He did not like the whole "looks like he smells like goat cheese" look this version of him had.
"Verses!" The camera panned to James Ironwood with a mean mustache. No beard, just mustache in an unknown military uniform.
"STAAAAAAALIN!" the voice yelled
Qrow looked between the two. "Jimmy?"
Ironwood sighed. "Yes. Qrow?"
"Don't grow a mustache. Also, why are you always a military man?"
At that Ironwood just shrugged. "Because I fit the stereotype?"
Qrow gave a shrug of acceptance, taking more alcohol.
"BEGIN!"
Ren started, and he started strong. "Cool mustache, Wario
Try messing with the Mad Monk you'll be sorry, yo
How many dictators does it take
To turn an empire into a union of ruinous states?
It's a disgrace what you did to your own people" At this, ren pointed accusingly at the dictator.
"Your daddy beat you like a dog and now you're evil
You're from Georgia, sweet Georgia
And the history books unfold ya!"
Ren sat straight up. It's one of those? Why am I always rapping? The monk thought. As Sun appreciated the bars. He was an expert in rap music, after all.
Wiess sighed. "Orb?"
"Yes, Weiss?"
"Could we, for the next musical thing, watch something not quite so… rappy?"
"I don't see why not." Orb responded, before returning to the screen.
Ren continued his verbal onslaught. "As a messed up motherfucker bent in the mind
Who built a superpower but he paid the price
With the endless destruction of Russian lives
If you're the man of steel I spit kryptonite!
Big dick mystic known to hypnotize
I could end you with a whisper to your wife"
"Oh Shit!" yang said at the last line, giving a laugh. Ironwood, however, was not amused.
"Yang! Swear jar!" Ruby admonished her sister. The blonde rolled her eyes
Ironwood glared at the monk, forcing their eyes to be level. "Look into my eyes you perverted witch
See the soul of the man who made Mother Russia his bitch?
You think I give a fuck about my wife?
My own son got locked up in prison, and I didn't save his life"
Winter winced at that. "That is cold sir."
Ironwood just blanched. "Not me Winter. Not me." He most certainly hoped that he did not become like this 'Stalin'
"You got off easy when they pickled that moose cock!
I'd leave your neck in a noose, in a trench, and shot!
Your whole family? Shot!
All your wizard friends? Shot!
Anyone who sold you pierogi? Shot!"
At each shot, the general mimicked holding a shotgun and firing it, the kick launching his hand up into the air
"Starve you for days til you waste away
I even crush mother fuckers when I'm laid in state
Pride of Lenin took Trotsky out of the picture
Drop the hammer on you harder than I bitch slapped Hitler"
It was then that the screen turned bright red.
Everyone reeled from that. "Oh Oum my eyes!" Adam cried out, complaining about the offending backdrop.
"Gods that is horrendous." Ozpin blinked before regaining his eyesight, having finally adjusted to the screen.
Jaune Arc fell from the screen, in a three piece suit missing a tie. He had no colors but the ones that matched the background. He glared at ironwood, spitting his verse.
"I have no pride for you who ruined everything
My revolution was doing to stop the bourgeoisie!
I fought the bondage of classes, the proletariat masses
Have brought me here to spit a thesis against both of your asses!" The Arc said, pointing to both of them. He wheeled on the monk.
"Let me start with you there, Frankenstein!
Looking like something out of R.L. Stine
It's hip hop chowder, red over white
Cause the Tsar's wife can't do shit tonight!"
After successfully burning Rensputin, he turned to Stalin.
"And Jimmy you were supposed to be my right hand man" Jaune pointed to the Russians crotch.
"But your loyalty shriveled up like your right hand, man!
Our whole future was bright, you let your heart grow dark
And stopped the greatest revolution since the birth of Marx!" The Arc decreed, holding his hand in a fist in the air.
Sun and neptune nodded. "Short, but damn, it was solid. An eight out of ten." Neptune said, nodding.
"Really? I would have given it a seven. Not bad, but pinky got some better licks in." Mercury argued. Sun just shrugged.
"Hey, Jaune had a better bit for the short time he had!" Yang defended.
"Ehh, debatable."
There was a knocking sound as the three of them looked around. A panel in the screen opened, as a version of Neptune walked out of it, a large birthmark on his face.
Neptune made a face. "Got to say, do not like the birthmark." it was kind of ugly
"You put too much stock in your looks, nep!" Sun laughed at the birthmark, nudging his partner.
"Knock knock knock knock
Did somebody say birthmarks?
Yo I'm the host with the most Glasnost
Assholes made a mess and the war got cold
Shook hands with both Ronalds; Reagan and McDonald's, no doubt!
If your name end with 'in', time to get out!
I had the balls to let Baryshnikov dance, playa!
Torn down that wall like the Kool-Aid Man Oh yeah!"
He turned to Jaune and Stalin.
"You two need yoga." He advised, and turned to Ren
"You need a Shower" he pointed his finger to all of them
"And you all need to learn how to handle real power."
At this point, a large screen with Ozpins face in a fur hat showed up.
"Did someone say Real Power?" Ozpin said in a thick russian accent. Ozpin, shirtless, walked though the screen as it tore into separate parts. His arms raised in a challenge.
Qrow raised an eyebrow. "Shirtless, Oz?"
Ozpin sipped his coffee in silence. He did not like this. Several pictures were taken by scroll.
"Did somebody say real power?
Дa, you want to mess with me?
I spit hot borsch when I'm crushing these beats
Blow it up like a tuba while I'm balling in Cuba
Doing judo moves and schooling every communist сука.
I'm a president in my prime, my enemies don't distract me
The last man who attacked me, lived a half-life, so comrade come at me
You don't know what you're doing
When you try to bust a rhyme against a mind like Putin
You'll find that the ex-KGB is the best MC in the ex-CCCP!"
With that the rapping ended as all five of the russian icons were dancing in various styles. "Who won? Who's next? You decide!" the voice from off screen said. "Epic Rap Battles of History!" and the screen closed out.
Sun nodded. "That was cool. It was fun seeing a good throwdown."
"Yeah, it's hard finding good rap battles now, because mumble rap. But this was dope! And I totally thing Jaune won that."
Mercury snorted. "Bullshit. Ironwood won that, hands down."
Sun raised an eyebrow. "Eh, I think that Ren was pretty damn good." a thought crossed the monkey faunus mind. "Ren? Can you rap?"
"No." Ren shot down the idea immediately. "I cannot."
"Ah well." Sun shrugged. The group talked about the scene for a little longer.