Chapter 38: Sweet William
Emily peered over Greta's shoulder as the Sister squinted to read the faded print.
"Are you sure that it is supposed to that… pink?" Emily glanced quickly at the whalebone bucket.
"I don't know, maybe?" Greta threw down the book in irritation. "Whatever moron wrote this book chose to be all fancy for the color names. I mean, why not just put the color as a dot of ink and write what it means next to it?"
"Wait, colors?" Emily picked up the discarded text. Her eyes caught a neat list of colors- Banan, Gingerline, Lusty-gallant, Sweet William, Falu, Incarnadine, Drake's neck, Verditer, Watchet, Labrador, and Puke.
"Yep," Greta popped the p, staring off at the tub. "Spells that test pregnancy are surprisingly rare. Most of the stuff I knew about was either about assessing the health of the baby or aborting. This was literally the only one I could remember off the top of my head."
Emily could see why Greta remembered this one. Underneath Sweet William were a couple of lines that read "the patient if with childe if the waterf turn thif shade. The brighter the color, the more healthy the babe."
"I also figured this one would be useful because it would diagnose where that stomach complaint came from," Greta continued. "We just need to figure out what these colors mean."
Emily placed the book between them, swallowing her nerves. "Lusty-gallant and Sweet William seem to be related."
Greta peeked over and winced. "Ooo, Lusty-gallant confirms a miscarriage or an abortion. That is certainly related to Sweet William but not in a pleasant way at all."
"Are miscarriages really all that bad?" Emily asked, filled with curiosity.
Greta blanched and stared at her, an intense look on her face. "My father's first wife died thanks to a miscarriage. You really, really do not want one."
Emily nodded, worried. "Alright, let us hope it is not Lusty-gallant." She shifted on the cold tiles, pointing at a different word. "I would bet my clothes that Drake's neck is the same shade of green as a male duck's neck."
Greta made a gasp of glee. "And Falu! Falu is one of those tiny copper mining towns in Tyvia. I bet my blindfold Falu is some copper color."
"While we are still betting, color me surprised if Incarnadine is not the same color as bloody flesh," Emily added, a feeling a delight at solving the puzzle filling her chest.
Greta slapped the chilly tiles. "Of course!" she cried. "Incarnadine, like incarnate!"
A grin crossed Emily's face. "So, it is not those three."
"Thank Holgar it isn't!" Greta wiped her brow. "Otherwise you would need to see the doctor yesterday."
"Three down, eight to go," Emily tried to sound chipper, but she could feel the problem-solving high wear off. They had no leads for the other colors. For a moment, she was tempted to call for the Outsider to ask for his help. Greta gave her a worried look. She had been giving her those looks since she arrived. It was oddly comforting.
"Do you think the Outsider would know?" she gently broached.
Emily shook her head. She did not quite know how to voice her unfounded discomfort in telling him about this. He did seem open to having children, to put it mildly. That should put her at ease, and it did… partially. Void why was she so nervous?
"Out of curiosity, is he colorblind?"
The question pulled Emily out of her thoughts and she stared at Greta for a long moment. "I do not think so?"
Greta let out an awkward laugh. "Oh… I kind of thought he was."
Emily's mouth fell open a bit, bewildered. "Wha…why did you think that?"
"Isn't the Void a dark colorless place?" Greta waved an arm around, a curious look in her eyes.
"Well, no? Not exactly. It was not filled with color but it is not colorless," Emily replied.
There was a beat of silence as Greta digested the information.
"Huh… neat."
Emily could not help but laugh at the matter of fact declaration. The two of them sat in silence, her eyes drawn to the bright pink and white flowers potted by the window. Greta followed her line of sight.
"It astonishes me that you can have flowers like that even in the dead of winter. Especially sweet things like those."
Like two gears being pushed into place, it clicked in Emily's mind- what the color Sweet William was. Getting to her feet, shaking slightly from nerves, Emily walked over and plucked one of the bright pink flowers from the plant. Greta frowned at her.
"What are you doing?"
Emily returned to the bucket, sitting down again on the tiles.
"Greta," she held out the flower. "This is a Sweet William"
The Sister paled as she looked at the small thing. It was the same shade as the water in the whalebone bucket.
"Holy shit," Greta covered her mouth briefly, her brown eyes flicking up to look carefully at Emily. "I guess a congratulations is in order?"
Emily had to breathe deeply. Her friend watched as she slowly exhaled, worried.
"Do you want any of the other spells?" she offered gently. Emily shook her head roughly.
"No! No, I'm… I am just overwhelmed."
Greta simply watched her as she breathed, trying to process her thoughts. This was real, this was happening. Excitement rose alongside panic. She was not ready for this, and yet now seemed to be the right time. Void, did her mother feel this way about her?
"Emily, do you want this?"
The utter gravity in Greta's voice pulled her out of her mind. The Sister had a steely look on her face. "You have options. You can say no to this."
A weak smile tugged at the corners of Emily's mouth. "Thank you Greta, but really, what I'm stuck feeling is that do not not want it, you know?"
Greta held up her hands, eyes fastened on somewhere above Emily's head as she pieced together her statement.
"So you are alright with having this child, but not excited?" her tone was questioning, her hands moving along an imaginary line.
Emily found herself lifting up her hands too. "I am more than alright, more akin to being good and even looking a little forward to it, but I am certainly not as excited as the Outsider would be."
"Ah-HA!" Greta slammed her hand down and leaned over the bucket. "So that is what has got you all nervous! You are worried about what the Outsider would think."
"Of course I am nervous!" Emily found herself crying back. "I have no desire for him to resent me for not wanting this as much as he does."
Greta looked like she wanted to say something, her eyes blazing, then something seemed to quench that flame. She leaned back, a thoughtful and somewhat bittersweet look on her face.
"Part of loving someone is being vulnerable to them, and both of you are going to be especially vulnerable regarding this. You know this better than I, but he probably has a million and a half issues regarding being wanted. If he takes your lack of excitement as a personal rejection, that is more of a him problem than a you problem. So you both want this child? Then your job is to love the ever-loving fuck out of it and turn it into a decent human. Even if you both fall out, that is your job, first and foremost."
Emily felt her hands curl up into fists, grasping the fabric of her pants. Her throat felt tight.
"You really think we could fall out over this?" Why did her eyes feel so hot?
Greta reached out, grasping her shoulder. "Children bring out the best and worst of us. Believe me, I have seen it. You love him do you not?"
Emily nodded, feeling tears brim in her eyes. She took a deep shaky breath, trying to ground herself. Greta's hand squeezed her shoulder.
"He loves you too, so damn much. It's actually kind of sickening. Keep that in mind when you talk."
Emily nodded again, tears shaking loose. Damn it, why all the tears?
"And, for the record, it is alright that you are not gung-ho for this. You not being excited for this does not mean you love the Outsider any less. You have a bloody Empire to run; being pregnant and then raising a child while doing so sounds like it is not going to be fun. But void, from what I heard your mother was able to do it and fuck if she did not do well!"
A sob wrenched itself out of Emily's throat. Far too many emotions stirred within her, the biggest being grief. Now, more than ever before, she wanted her mother. Greta leaned forward over the bucket, wrapping her in a hug. Emily embraced her friend tightly.
"Thank you," she whispered.
"Hey," Greta said softly, just as earnestly as she did before. "I am your friend. It is the very least I can do."
Emily released her, taking a long breath in. Pulling up her sleeve she wiped away the few tears, not caring about the stains.
"How do I even bring this up?" she murmured, feeling a little lost.
Greta raised an eye brow and leaned back. "Hey, you know how you like baby whales? What about, human babies?"
Emily could not help but let out a barking laugh at that. "Greta that is terrible!"
"But it would work!" Greta defended.
"That is what is so terrible about it!" Emily returned with another wet laugh.
As if summoned by the mere mention of whales, the Outsider rather suddenly appeared in the bathroom.
The Outsider shivered. For a bathroom in a Royal palace, it was remarkably cold. How on Earth were Greta and Emily just sitting on the floor?
"What are you doing in here, it is freezing," he wrapped his arms around himself.
"Uhhh," Greta glanced at Emily, who gave her a helpless look. "Science?"
"Science?" he stepped forward and poked the bucket with his toe. "With a whalebone bucket?"
They were both looked at each other again. Greta was giving Emily a very pointed look, which Emily returned with a pleading one.
"No, I am not going to tell him!" Greta hissed through closed teeth.
"Tell me what?" The Outsider turned his gaze from Greta to Emily. Emily glanced up at him, clearly nervous. That took him aback. "Is something wrong?"
"Nope!" Greta said quickly. "Nothing is wrong, we are all great. How was your day, did you do something new with your hair?"
Greta was stalling for Emily. Something was defiantly going on, and it all centered around the whalebone bucket.
"Alright, if you will not tell me I can look at whalebone bucket to know what you were doing," The Outsider declared airily.
"I'm pregnant!" Emily blurted out.
The Outsider felt the air had been sucked out of the room. He knew that this moment was going to come and yet… it did not feel real until now. Greta was looking at him warily, Emily nervously.
"I know." He immediately winced. Why, oh gods why did he say that? That was among the worst things he could say.
"Wait, you knew?" Emily's voice was hushed, and a bit hurt.
"You knew?!" shrieked Greta. "Why didn't you say anything?"
"I just… I couldn't!" he put his head in his hands. "You do not say that, you can't say that! I… I…" he was babbling now, gods. Just stop.
He felt a hand touch his, gentle and soft. He allowed his hand to be taken away from his face. Emily was standing before him, smiling an understanding, bittersweet smile.
"You were scared," her voice was kind and sweet. "You did not want to take something away from me, but you still wanted to make your feelings known. That's why you took me to see your whales."
He could not help breathe a sigh of relief. Thank goodness he was able to convey what he felt, that he wanted to have this child. Thank the gods for whales; those creatures never let him down.
Even so, the pit in his stomach did not go away. Was the emotion fear, or nerves? He should feel at ease and yet…
The Outsider reached out to Emily, placing his hand on her cheek. She leaned into the touch; the pit in his gut lessened a bit at that.
"Are you alright with this?" the question was hesitant, a whisper.
She locked eyes with him, and he could see her anxiety there too. But there was also a calm certainty, warmth, and love.
"I am more than alright," Emily's voice matched the look in her eyes. "I want this, I want you beside me."
Emotion closed his throat. Unable to say a word, the Outsider embraced Emily, kissing her.
Greta cleared her throat, interrupting the couple. "So, er, are you guys on the same page now?"
The two slowly turned to look at her, the Outsider's dark eyes particularly piercing.
"Like, uh, you guys are clearly up for reproducing correct?" she stuttered out, feeling exceptionally awkward. Well, sitting on the floor of a bathroom while being a voyeur to a pregnancy reveal is naturally awkward. Talking simply worsened it.
"Must you put it so bluntly?" the Outsider said, his voice colored with disappointment.
Greta folded her arms defensively. "You know I'm no good at any of that mushy stuff. Besides, someone has to talk business."
Emily gave her a funny look. "What about any of this is business?"
"Well for starters, you need to take extra steps to stay healthy," she sat up straight. "This is assuming that everything is normal because the father of your child is not human."
A look of poorly concealed fear overtook the Outsider's face. Emily simply looked more confused.
"The bucket says the child is healthy."
Greta could not help but give a snicker at that statement. "Yes, it does. But that is today, this month. It might change next month. And the child not being healthy will very likely affect you, just like you getting sick will affect it."
"Is there any way I can do anything?" the Outsider was painfully anxious, Emily finally noticing his fear.
Greta shrugged. "I mean, probably? You should know spells and bonecharms and amulets and whatnot? Maybe talk with the Void and see what it thinks… if it does think."
A sharp look crossed his face and he ran a hand through his hair. His other hand let go of Emily and he paced around the bathroom. Her eyes followed him.
"Outsider?" worry and curiosity filled the question.
A strangled laugh came out of him. "The Void is not going to like this."
A flicker of fear crossed Emily's face before being chased off by stubbornness. She strode forward and took the Outsider's face into her hands.
"I will not let the Void take this from us, I do not give a damn what it thinks. It will learn to like it, whether it wants to or not."
The look of love and adoration the Outsider gave Emily nearly gave Greta cavities. The Sister rolled her eyes, yet could not help but smile.
"If you want, I can ask Sister Reilly and Marzia to keep an eye on your health?" Greta offered, trying not to break the mood.
"Actually," Emily turned to look at her, and Greta was surprised that she looked sheepish. "Can this not leave the room for a while? I will tell you when I want others to know, if that is alright?"
"Gosh, of course this is alright!" Greta was finally moved to her feet. "This is between the two of you; I'm only really here by happenstance. But still, I recommend bringing those two into the loop; they are really skilled at what they do."
"I'll be fine Greta," Emily assured her with a laugh.
"I will make sure she will be," the Outsider added, quietly but earnestly.
A relieved smile crossed the Sister's face. "Excellent! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to empty this bucket and smuggle it back to the Chapel unnoticed."
Emily walked out of the bathroom, flexing her fingers as her nerves buzzed. The Outsider followed her out, brimming with anxiety.
"Are you sure you want this?" the words came out in a panicked rush. "Are you really sure?"
Emily came to a stop and put her hands on his shoulders, tempted to shake him. "Outsider, when you took me to see your whales, I decided that if I was going to have a child it would be yours. Combine that with the fact that it is my job to find an heir, and this little situation happens to be perfect for me. I get to have your pretty child, Parliament won't nag me about not having a successor, and I get to parent alongside you. This happened sooner than I would have planned it to, but I am content with it."
The Outsider blinked slowly, seeming to digest her words. He opened his mouth, and out came a befuddled:
"Pretty?"
"Of course!" Emily couldn't help giving him a wide grin. "Your looks with mine, how could our child not be pretty?"
Pink bloomed on his cheeks. It seemed that he was not expecting that compliment. Then again, she never much did verbally compliment his appearance, as she was content to let her actions speak of her appreciation of his fine looks. Immediately she resolved to compliment him more often.
"You promise I will acknowledged?" he asked uncertainly.
"Proudly," she squeezed his shoulders, trying to project her determination. "I don't give a damn about what people think, I'm not my mother. We might need to get married though, are you alright with that?"
"Yes!" a large smile grew on his face alongside a blush. "I know it's for convenience and all but I'm really honored and-"
Emily couldn't help herself. He was just so endearing and pretty, she had to kiss him! Happily he returned the kiss, wrapping an arm around her waist and another behind her neck. She sunk her fingers into his short hair, very much enjoying herself.
"Egh-hem!"
They pulled apart to see Greta giving them a raised eyebrow and a fond smile. "You two just can't help yourselves can you? Unfortunately I have to take off and return all the stuff I brought with me. Sister Mary has a knack for sniffing out missing stuff. Let me know if you want any books on midwifing. Thanks to Sister Reilly we have a very good collection. Also I can ask my extended family for advice and stuff if you want me too."
At those words all of Emily's good humor vanished in an instant. Absolutely nobody close to her had been through this. Who could she count on for intimate advice, not wrenched from a book or by hearsay? Corvo, perhaps, could help her. But truly, his advice would be more fitting for the Outsider's ears. The only one who could really put her at ease was her mother, and she is gone. Not even the Outsider could bring her back.
Emily forced down the sudden growing grief, but her effort must have failed as Greta was staring at her with wide-eyed concern. Wordlessly the Outsider wrapped his arms around her and Emily gratefully squeezed him tight, her eyes burning and throat tight.
"I'm sorry," her whispered. Emily inhaled deeply, her breath catching. Void, she had to pull herself together.
"I promise that I won't ever write to my family for any sort of advice for you without asking permission," Greta's voice, though concerned, was gentle and calm. "I figured that since there really isn't a book to recommend that such advice can help."
Emily nodded, taking a moment to rally her voice. "Thank you Greta, you offer doesn't offend me. I just…" she breathed again, fighting damned tears. "I just wish I could ask my mom for advice."
There was a beat of silence. The Outsider was quiet, and Emily was content to hide her face against him. She could practically hear Greta thinking.
"Is she gone?" the Sister asked kindly, melancholy mixed with hope.
"Yes," the Outsider replied, his voice barely breaking the hush.
"I see," Greta's voice, filled with sympathetic sorrow, brought an overwhelming feeling to her throat. Emily tried to even out her shuddering breath, tears flowing from her eyes. As her frustration with her sudden grief grew, she felt another pair of arms wrap around her.
"It's ok to feel sad and upset," Greta commented soothingly, her voice issuing from somewhere around Emily's shoulder blades. "And it's okay to be annoyed with your emotions changing so quickly. It's going to be a thing for a while, and I know it sucks, especially when people are expecting you to be even-keeled. But if you ask me you've been doing a great job with that. I am here for you when you need to be nonsensical."
"And I as well," the Outsider added quietly.
Finally she managed to suck in an even breath, her grief finally suffocated beneath the embraces of her lover and best friend. It would be alright. Rough, like the winter sea, but alright in the end.
"Thank you, both of you," Emily said, her voice still small.
"It is the least I can do," the Outsider replied rather seriously, loosening his embrace. Greta too let go as Emily straightened out, wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands. Void, she really was glad she fell apart in private; in front of two people she could trust not to say anything.
"Greta, do you mind setting aside some of the better midwifing books for me?" asked the Outsider, sounding somewhat hesitant. Emily turned her head and watched Greta brighten, a smile crossing her freckled face.
"Sure can do! There are also some occult ones you can look over if you're interested."
"Thank you," he nodded, the hint of a smile on his lips. "You seem to know quite a bit about this already."
"Oh, that's because I lived with my elder brothers when their wives were pregnant," Greta replied with an easygoing shrug. "I picked up a little bit on the nuances, bit it's been around 10 years since I was last available to help them out so my memory is a little fuzzy."
"Then I can refresh your memory," Emily declared playfully, feeling a smile return to her face.
"Yes!" cried Greta, clapping her hands as she brimmed with energy. "Ok, now I really have to get going. Both of you take care, and if you need me, you know where to find me."
Emily smiled back at her, good spirits fully returned. A difficult road may be ahead of her, but with those she loved by her side, she could do this.