I fought myself over this chapter all weekend. I had it pretty much written when I posted chapter 3, and then I reordered some stuff and deleted some stuff because I really hated the chapter as it had been then. I don't think I'm completely satisfied with it now, but I felt this was needed. Besides, I needed a catalyst.
Enjoy.
Jane was cold, even under the blanket she sat under as she stared out over the city from the roof she was on. Closing her eyes, she tried to think back to what she'd done over the last couple days.
Friday, she drove by Maura's hoping to just hang out and watch movies like old times, but there was a man in the living her. She saw him through the window. She didn't know why the sight made her chest hurt and eyes close to stop the tears, but she definitely wasn't going to stay and think about it. So she went home, took out all the beer from her fridge, sat on the couch and drank until she passed out.
Saturday she decided she was going to drink all night someplace no one would think to look for her at, so she dropped off Jo and dressed down in a pair of ripped jeans and whatever shirt smelled cleanest. She remembered finding a hole-in-the-wall pub and going inside, ordering whiskey straight and glaring at anyone who dared approach her.
Then it got a little hazy, which is probably why she woke up naked in bed with an equally naked and fairly attractive woman Sunday morning. Instead of leaving, since they had apparently gone to her place, she stayed and they continued the night's activities without the clumsiness from alcohol.
Sunday night found her driving to Maura's for dinner and chickening out, guilt and shame flooding through her. Sure, Maura had probably slept with the guy from Friday, but at least it hadn't been a drunken one-night stand that happened to carry over until early afternoon.
Sex wasn't all that bad of a cure for a hangover, once you got enough water down, Jane found out.
Last night hadn't been the first time she'd gone out and gotten wasted beyond remembering anything. But usually she woke up in her apartment on the couch when it happened. Her recent calls would reveal that she had called Marissa and, after apologizing to the younger woman, was grateful to hear that she hadn't woken her up, and that the call had been made before midnight and she hadn't fallen asleep yet.
Last night was the first time she'd gone home with someone. And she hadn't slept with a woman since she'd graduated from the Academy and had a short stint until the woman realized Jane was a cop first and left. It was the last time Jane even considered a woman.
Well, until Maura, but Maura was her best friend.
She drove past the house and went back to her apartment. After sleeping for a couple hours, she called in sick for Monday. She didn't have the strength to look Maura in the eye yet.
Which led her to sitting on the roof of her apartment in the middle of the night wearing shorts and a t-shirt under a blanket with a bottle of whisky in her hands, not knowing what the hell she was doing anymore.
Monday came around quickly for Maura. She'd had a decent date on Friday and they'd gone back to her place for a nightcap before she saw him off a little before midnight. All day Saturday she had spent out window shopping with the occasional purchase. Though she had hoped to see Jane Saturday night, she didn't really think much of it because she figured she'd see her Sunday for dinner if not earlier.
But Jane didn't show up Sunday, and she hadn't been in her apartment. Angela had said Jane dropped off Jo Friday Saturday afternoon and had alluded to going somewhere overnight, though she had expected her to be back for dinner.
Concerned but unable to change anything, Maura let it go in favor of interrogating Jane on Monday.
Except, when she walked into the bullpen, Jane wasn't there for her to interrogate and neither of her partners knew where she was.
"She called in last night, said she was sick. Sounded like shit, too, according to the dispatch officer that took the call," Korsak told her. "Don't worry too much, Doc. She'll be back tomorrow kicking our asses for worrying over nothing otherwise."
Maura nodded, but couldn't shake the concern she felt. Thanking Korsak, she left the bullpen and went down to the morgue. Sitting at her desk, she considered her options.
Jane wasn't home all weekend. She isn't answering the phone. She called in sick for Monday.
Maura closed her eyes and leaned back. "Jane, what are you up to?"
Resigned, she stood and told her assistant to call if anything came up; she was going to be leaving for the morning and possibly the day. Then she left, heading to Jane's.
The apartment was empty when Maura walked in. But the blanket from the bed was gone, so Maura knew Jane had been here. On an impulse, she headed for the roof.
Sure enough, huddled up on the roof passed out was Jane, an empty bottle of whiskey nearby.
"Oh, Jane…" she whispered. She had thought the brunette had been making progress this week. They hadn't seen each other except for a quick lunch in the morgue a couple times this week because of a couple cases that fell on the detective's lap. It was obvious Jane was still holding back, but Maura thought that things were going so well. "What caused this relapse?"
Shaking her head, she knelt down and gave Jane a gentle shake, pleased to hear a low moan followed by the fluttering of eyelids that winced from the sunlight.
"Maura?" she croaked, mouth and throat dry. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to check on you. Korsak said you had called in sick, and I was worried since I hadn't seen you all weekend," Maura explained.
Jane grunted and shifted to pull the blanket over her head. "Go away."
"No. I thought you were doing better, Jane. What happened?"
"What do you care?"
Maura felt anger boil up inside her at that. "What do you mean, what do I care? Jane, you're my friend, and I care about you. I don't want to see you hurting yourself like this."
Jane let out a hoarse laugh. "Like you didn't want to see me hurting when you left, right? You were the only one that was hurt that day, the only one that felt crushed by the events…" Jane's voice cracked into a sob.
Maura sat on her knees and pulled Jane to her. "I know, Jane. I know it hurt."
Jane pushed herself away from Maura and got to her feet, anger in her eyes even if she was squinting from the sun and tears were streaming down her face. "I can't do this right now. You've already told me why you left, why you didn't come back, and I've tried to accept it, to pretend everything is fine. Well, it's not Maura. I can't pretend that it is anymore, and that it doesn't still hurt. I can't pretend that nothing has changed.
"And for the love of God, I can't explain why!" Jane yelled, hands clenched and eyes closed. "I don't know why it hurts knowing you went on a date on Friday. I don't know why I can forgive you when I hurt so much. I don't know why I can't hate you for leaving me." Maura heard the sobs again, and got up, rushing to Jane to hold her as they fell to their knees again. "For the life of me, I can't figure out why I can't hate you."
Maura wasn't sure what to say, the anger that had flared at the beginning of Jane's rant cooling at the sight of her tears, so she just sat there letting everything sink in as she held Jane. Her mind went over the words, examining everything Jane said.
Both of their knees were numb when Jane finally calmed down and allowed Maura to lead her back to her apartment, the blanket wrapped around Jane's body as though it could protect Jane from the world. Maura made Jane lay down in bed, the brunette not putting up a fight. She was done fighting, she decided, as she curled up in her cocoon and closed her eyes.
The bed dipped, and she opened an eye to see Maura lying down next to her.
"What-" she started before feeling Maura's arms around her, holding her to her.
"Relax, Jane. Just sleep for now. We can talk about it later, okay?" Maura told her. Jane wanted to put up a fight, but she was so tired of fighting, of trying to be strong when she wasn't. "I won't leave again, I promise. Try to relax and get some sleep."
Jane's eyes closed without her permission, and she felt herself drift off into a dreamless sleep.
It was almost four when Jane woke up again. True to her word, Maura was still laying with her, arms wrapped around her protectively. She pulled away, and Maura loosened her hold just a little, though she was still touching her. Jane wasn't sure if she was glad or not that they were still physically connected.
"How are you feeling?" Maura asked. Jane grunted and tried to force moisture into her mouth. "Let me get you some water."
Jane watched her leave before untangling herself from the blanket to go to the bathroom. Her bladder was seriously pissed off at her. When she came out, Maura was leaning against the wall opposite the door and holding a glass of water out for her. Jane took it and drank down the whole thing before going to the kitchen to refill it, knowing that Maura would insist on watching her drink at least three glasses before she was satisfied that Jane wasn't going to die of dehydration.
"Do you want to tell me what caused your relapse now?" Maura asked, leaning her hip against the counter.
"Do I have the option to say no?" Jane asked before drinking down the glass of water.
"You do, but I would really like to get past this. I want us to be able to move forward, Jane. If there's still this rift between us we can't get better. Our relationship will eventually fall apart. I would prefer to keep it alive. You are very important to me."
Jane grunted as she refilled her glass again, realizing that she was really thirsty anyway so drinking more water wasn't really a bad idea. "What if I said I would rather wait?"
"I could probably deal with that, but may I ask for how long?"
Jane shrugged. "How about dinner first and we'll see." Knowing it was useless to argue at this moment, Maura picked up the phone to order something in.