The Urban Safari – Four. Big-game hunting in downtown Ankh-Morpork.
And I know. With all there is to fit in, it's going to go into a fifth chapter...
Hide Park is a large green space towards the rimward side of the city of Ankh. Never built on, despite the frequent petitions of property developers who weep at this prime city-centre land going to waste as a mere park and leisure and recreation space, when it could be so much more productively used to build luxury mansionettes at a million dollars apiece, it serves as a green lung for the city and provides smells other than that of the river and the city of Morpork, over the water.
Bounded on its widdershins side by Nonesuch Street and on its turnwise side by The Soake, with Park Lane defining its Hubwards boundary, perhaps four or five square miles of the City are encompassed here. Mollymog Street cuts across it at its Rimwards extremity, and its rimwards-by-widdershins corner boasts the Gibbet and its square, one of the City's traditional execution sites for condemned criminals.
The Park itself boasts an extensive ornamental lake as its central feature, where in normal circumstances boats are hired out and people might go to relax on the water. The rest of the land is a natural vista of extensive grassy downs and paths and trails to walk, punctuated by the occasional coppice of trees, even small woods on the Gibbet side and on the Turnwise bank of the lake. Needless to say, an earlier Patrician with a better aesthetic sense than most absolutely forbade "Bloody Stupid" Johnson from re-designing the landscape of the park, and today the City is richer for it.
There is even a bandstand, which is occasionally used by musicians, the Musicians' Guild permitting. But as Ponder Stibbons notes from three hundred feet up, the bandstand is now alive with a different kind of life. Twenty or thirty small black monkeys – or are they apes? (Ponder wished the Librarian were nearby to ask about a potentially lethal point of protocol. But then, that girl from the Assassins Guild would know. I'll ask her.)
Ponder put the broomstick into hovering neutral, and made another meticulous note. He had carefully sketched out the park from above and was noting where the various sorts of animals had elected to gather. He was hampered in this by being a city boy who, outside zoos, and picture books he'd been given as a child, really knew not very much zoolology. It wasn't his field.
BandStande: smallish black monkeys, or maybe apes. 20-30. also in surrounding trees.
Lager Versions of Same, possibly man-sized, in tall grass to Turnwise of lake.
Large Thinnges in lake. Might be Hippopotamuses. Do rhinoceroses swymme????
Definite lions on Grassland , Park Lane side of lake. Seem to be resting and sleeping.
Large creatures, I know not what they Are, orange in colour, with long Neckkes, eating upper foliage on Trees, Mollymog Street side. Cat-like creatures (Leopardes?) watching them but not attacking, I think because Commander Vimes ordered Meat to be thrown to them to keep them Happy and for them not to eat people.
Also large Cow-like creatures with very big Horns. Lions watching them, but seem wary. No more than six. Located on Nonesuch side of lake.
More monkey-like creatures, or perhaps apes, not like the other two kinds, thinner and browner, seem hostile, showed me their bottoms and screamed and threw…material… up as I flew over. Ten-fifteen of them.
Two more leopards or similar in picnic area. Seem intent on something up a tree which I cannot quite make out. White, strange shape and size.
Ponder finished his note, stowed notebook and pencil in a pocket of his robe, and started a new circuit, looking for the teams of Assassins he knew were going to be operating in the Park. He tried to find the one led by the red-haired woman with the funny foreign accent, who was most definitely in charge. He also tried to remember the spell that would recharge the broomstick with magic when it was needed. Running out over a lawn full of lions would not be funny. Lazily, he counted the entrance gates to the Park, which periodically broke the walls and iron spiked railings that encompassed it. Three on Nonesuch, two on Park Lane, three on the Soake, and one on Mollymog. Even from three hundred feet, he could see the Troll watchmen assigned to keep watch at each Gate, each paired with a golem where it was practicable. And there was Vimes' command point, just by the main gate on Nonesuch. But where were these Assassins? Ponder tipped a metaphorical hat to them: he'd heard the School taught stealth and fieldcraft to its pupils. They were pretty good at it, then.
He sighed. He'd got into the habit of borrowing the university's only broomstick and taking it up for a ride whenever he needed some quiet thinking time. Brooms were seen as a witch thing: this method of flight had never caught on among Wizards, and Ponder soon discovered the uncontested joy of flying, getting far away from the HEM and being diplomatic to Ridcully, discovering how quiet it was a thousand feet up, only having to watch for occasional flying carpets and Constable Swires of the Watch in the airspace above the City. He'd got quite proficient at it, in fact: flying was the nearest thing he had to a hobby, outside the relentless demands of teaching students, running the HEM, and managing Mustrum Ridcully.
And then Ridcully had heard about the escaped wildlife in the Park and had demanded a chauffeured ride across the city…
Ponder Stibbons looked down, saw a flash of movement, recognised a brief glimpse of Assassin black, and pointed the nose of the broomstick downwards. At a lower level, he made out more student assassins, four, possibly five, and what looked like a locally camouflaged hunter, largely built, his hunting tweeds, what he called a ghillie suit, adorned with tufts and twists of grass and vegetation. He aimed to come in to land ten yards or so behind them, sensing the ground rising lazily to meet him.
"Good flyin', that man!" he heard Ridcully's approval coming to meet him, in a carrying stage whisper.
"Errr… the lady in charge? Miss Smith-Rhodes?" he asked, diffidently.
"I em here." she said, and rose from the ground no more than five feet away. He blinked: he could have sworn there had been nobody there.
"You bleddy nearly lended on top of me!" she said, accusingly.
"And three yerds further on, you'd hev lended on Miss N'Golate! I need thet young girl!"
Ponder reddened. To his right, a voice said
"It's perfectly elright, miss. I saw him coming, end knew he'd lend short. There wes no reason for me to move."
The same sort of heavily accented Morporkian, he noticed. But where was it coming from? The ground shifted again. A girl of about fifteen, in assassin's garb, appeared from nowhere, shaking off loose grass. Her skin was very dark brown, almost pure black, and seeing Ponder's discomfort, she grinned incredibly white even teeth at him.
In the near distance, a lion growled.
Ponder hurriedly passed over his sketch map and notes. The red-haired girl – woman's – expression changed from a narrow-eyed scowl, to something approximating nodding thanks. She scanned the pages, making a teacher's tutting noises. Miss N'Golate went over to look over her shoulder at the notes.
"They're celled chimpanzees, Mr Wizard. And they ere definitely apes!" Johanna said, in her teacher's voice. "There ere gireffes here too? They're the orenge petterned ones with the long necks, Mr Wizard. If leopards ere stelking them, we need to take out the leopards! Or we will hev no gireffes. End the other sort of apes, the ones thet showed you their becksides, they ere baboons, Mr Wizard. This is importent, people! The baboon is a peck enimel. It is a predetor. It is cerniverous. It is vicious. It is intelligent enough to be deadly. A lion will kill for food. A baboon peck will kill for pleasure. We mey be forced to kill if we cennot cepture. I cen see that pleases you, Mr Ridcully!"
"Just glad you're willing to concede the possibility, m'dear!" said Ridcully, mildly. "One of them baboon things on me wall would make me day!"
"You might get your way yet." she nodded. "But I will hev lethal force used only if there is no other elternetive. Em I clearly understood?"
The lion roared again, and closer.
Ponder watched the redhead as she quickly conferred with the black-skinned girl, who seemed excited and somehow impatient to get going.
Johanna smiled, the first time Ponder had seen her do so, and she took the black girl's shoulder in a gently restraining hand.
"I see you brought your assegai out with you. End your shield. Egainst instructions, miss N'Golate. I know what you want. I bet es a girl, you saw your brothers going out on the lion hunts and you wented to join them, you wented the lion-skin headbend of a werrior, yes? Well, you hev a chence now!"
"You know, Stibbons, this reminds me of that old joke." Ridcully said, affably. "What d'you call the black natives on a Howondalandian lion-hunt?"
Miss N'Golate turned and grinned at Ridcully.
"Bait, Arch-chancellor. I know the joke!"
Johanna smiled.
"End thet's exectly whet I went you to be! Now, these are Howondalandian lions from home. I'm betting they all know whet it means when a warrior leaps out in front of them with en assegai, end threatens it. Now while you have its entire ettention, other things will be heppening behind it…."
Ten minutes later, a mature male lion stalked across the grass, Johanna, concealed, nodded, and Miss N'golate rose slowly up from concealment.
"Hai, simbaaaaa" She sang the ancient Kwa'Zulu song of acknowledgement of the lion's strength and power, of its might and majesty, and of her challenge to its supremacy. The maned head turned to her, and it made a lunge forward. This was countered with a stabbing move of assegai and shield. Giving the impudent human its entire attention, the lion failed to watch its flanks, where other humans were moving and stalking. Lion and girl lunged and feinted, blocked and stabbed, leapt and evaded. Ridcully and Stibbons, with the other student Assassins not picked for this mission, watched with breathless excitement.
And then Johanna Smith-Rhodes was near enough to lift the blowpipe to her lips, aim, blow, and pop! The tiny feathered dart, loaded with a goodly amount of tranquiliser, embedded in the lion's flanks. From the opposite side, the student Assassin Peter Delamere also aimed and blew, and a second dart took the creature in the other flank. The lion carried on feinting with the impudent human girl for a minute or so, but its movements grew less certain and more sluggish. Then it fell over, practically on the feet of Blessing N'Golate, Student Assassin. She tapped the point of her assegai against the throat of the lion in a symbolic gesture, then raised it to the heavens and sang a song of victory in the hunt. Jonanna came round and clasped her shoulder, in thanks and acknowledgement. A student Assassin ran forward and planted a pole with a small red flag in the ground near the fallen lion, to make it easier for the squad who would be coming in after them to find the doped animal and transfer it to a cage.
"Oh, bravo, that girl!" Ridcully shouted, exultantly. He was quite enjoying the thrill of a different sort of hunt, even though Johanna had threatened to break his crossbow over his skull if he dared kill anything without first receiving her explicit permission. Privately, he was quite taken with her rather forward and commanding attitude and was perfectly prepared, for now, to let her take charge. And besides, he thought, there's the near promise of baggin' a couple of those baboon things. I can tell the gel don't like 'em. Meanwhile, Johanna grudgingly appreciated the way Ridcully, like many large bulky men, was capable of surprisingly stealthy, agile, light, movement. His capacity to conceal himself and read the ground and animal sign was proving to be an asset, not the liability she had feared. He reminded her of Grune di Nivor at the Guild School, a similarly bluff and hearty oversized man, who nevertheless was agile and graceful for his size and years. And besides, she though, if it comes to it and we have to take on a phalange of baboons, I need a proven killer who can shoot straight and fast.
Johanna hugged Blessing N'Golate round the shoulders.
"You mey hev to do thet egain, end more than once. But you chellenged the lion, you fought the lion and countered its blows. When it fell, it fell at your feet. For my money, thet mekes you a warrior, and I'll testify to thet to your people."
Johanna has moved on a lot in ten years. She knows her early interactions with black-skinned pupils were not good, and she has learnt a lot, beginning with tolerance and a more open-minded attitude. Ankh-Morpork has changed her in many ways.
She turned and looked at Ponder.
"Mr Wizard, cen thet broomstick of yours take two people? "
Ponder nodded, mutely.
"Get on, then. I need to see for myself where things ere. Miss N'Golate, you're in charge while I'm gone. These are Mr Wizard's notes for you to work with, keep moving onwerds, we'll cetch up with you.."
She leapt into the pillion position, grabbing Ponder round the upper body and leaning into him. Still mute and surprised, he took off. The stick spiralled lazily upwards, more slowly with the heavier load, but it carried two people with ease. Ponder felt oddly gratified that at last, he had a pillion passenger who instinctively knew which way to lean, and who was perfectly poised and balanced. He was also aware, in a way he wasn't entirely at home with, that from the way she pressed her body into his back, just here and here, she was definitely, unambiguously, female. A red flush spread across his cheeks.
As they flew, he found himself pointing things out to her. She rested her chin on his shoulder, her cheek close to his, and listened.
Even though the way she speaks Morporkian sounds like somebody chewing a brick and spitting gravel, she's really quite attractive, a traitorous thought spoke from the depths of Ponder's hindbrain.
"Bring it down just here" she requested, as they passed over the picnic area. She frowned. There was definitely something in that tree, something odd. And two cheetahs were circling the trunk, interested. And cheetahs could climb trees.
"Get close to thet tree."
Ponder pulled the stick into a tight orbit. The white in the tree resolved itself… into two clowns, in white outfits and heavily made-up faces. They called for help.
"Cen you meke this thing hover?"
Ponder obliged.
"Please, miss… we were enjoying the afternoon… Gonzo and me, we were working up a routine… then all these animals turned up from nowhere and people panicked. We got up into this tree"
Johanna nodded.
"Herd to do, in those shoes! Look, sit tight. There ere aid squeds in the perk. I'll see one finds you. If you cen find a brench, or something you cen use to hit things with, in case enything climbs the tree to find you."
She nodded at Ponder.
"Go down to ground level. Keep this thing powered up. When I leap on and tell you to go, I went full power, mr Wizard!"
"You've got it" said Ponder.
"He dropped Johanna off in a spot of her choosing, and waited for her while she got off and readied her blowpipe. She ran a few paces and crouched, waiting for the cheetahs to register her presence… first one, then the other, started running for her. She waited, and waited some more, while Ponder watched in a state of buttock-clenching fear. Then, at later than the last second, she fired, and swiftly thumbed a second dart into place, then fired again.
Poc! Poc!
Even before the second dart hit, she was back in the pillion.
"Go! Mr Wizard!"
Aware of the two big cats still charging, Ponder willed power into the broomstick. He felt a lurch from behind him, but no, she was still there, pressing herself into him and holding on tight. But then they we up, rising, banking, circling, back to where two more tranquilised animals were wobbling and falling among the wooden picnic tables.
"Those clowns should be safe now." she said, in his ear. "Cheetahs cen climb trees and take prey there."
As they rose, Johanna paused for a moment and enjoyed the sensation of pure flight. Her eyes closed, and she relished the slipstream against her face. She said "Mmmmm!" despite herself, and relaxed.
I'm holding onto a man. Who is driving a fast machine. His body is warm and male. It may be such a thin body here under this robe that I could count the ribs, and he may be an inoffensive shy wizard who really needs feeding up, poor boy, but if you are honest with yourself, Johanna Smith-Rhodes, you are quite enjoying this. He's not like other men you've met. He's unthreatening. Nice, in his way. You could do with treating yourself to a little "nice".
Johanna reflected that she didn't meet many men outside the Guild, and introducing herself at parties as an Assassin tended to put a dampener on romantic possibilities outside it (not that she went to many parties). People tended to make excuses and mumble and back off. And the men she met inside the Guild tended to bore her: too competitive, too aristocratic, too much of an ingrained sense of privilege. And men at home just wanted a pliant wife who'd bear lots of children. Besides, she'd been away from Home for too long: she couldn't settle down with a Boor man any more. Her horizons had widened too much. Her mother wailed that at twenty-nine, she was leaving it far too late and was doomed for spinsterhood. Well, if it came to it, she had her academic interests. Her teaching career. This Wizard had just accepted her and taken her at face value. And risked his life for her once. And he was introducing her to flying. She wanted to take off her hat, unplait her hair, and let it flow unhindered in the slipstream while she cuddled up really close…
Johanna, you're working! This isn't a date! An angry voice rose up inside her. Well, maybe there'd be time to make a date, who knows?
"I cen't keep calling you Mr Wizard." she said, into his ear. "Whet's your name? Whet did your mother cell you?"
"Oh. Er. Ponder. Ponder Stibbons."
"Johanna."
"Joanna?"
"No. YO-hanna. A herd "J" sound . ."
He repeated it.
"That's unusual. You're from Howondaland?"
"Femily name. The oldest girl in my femily is elways Johanna."
Then they saw the oddest sight of all…
"Isn't thet the Librarian from the Univeristy? Whet's he doing, Ponder?"
"Let's go and find out, Johanna".