A/N: Phew okay I'm so not ready to post this chapter. You guys are definitely not going to like me after this happens but I'm doing this for a reason. Eventually a chapter like this was going to be written, it's going to change relationships and the way certain people act with other people. But I guess a good point is, posting this chapter means that we're one step closer to getting over it.

once again I wanna thank everyone who reads and follows this story! Thank you to Lizard21 who's now following my story and my reviewers:

JasminJW: XD Hey now, the description says slow-burn. Which means just because she has a little/huge crush on Rick that doesn't mean he's gonna reciprocate his feelings straight up. Like oh no, its gonna be a while. There's definitely some form of attraction there between them. But after this chapter.. well you'll see.

Ryane: Lol honestly neither can I. However I absolutely love building tension and drama and discourse which will all eventually lead to that moment. but not just yet.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Walking Dead or any of it's affiliated characters, only my OC and my plotline.

- Angels and Douchebags

"Mornin' everybody," Rick came out of the tent Lori and him shared looking extremely cheerful. T-Dog and Andrea were sitting by the bench with Shane cleaning out the rifles, Dale standing guard on the RV and Glenn talking to Lori intensely about something.

"Morning sheriff." I tipped a fake hat at him shooting him a smile.

"Not a sheriff anymore." He said.

"I know but I've forever associated you with it." I smiled sheepishly as he shook his head.

"So not nervous anymore huh?" I said walking away hearing him jog after me.

"That wasn't me bein' nervous. I wasn't flirtin' with you or anything." Rick defended.

"It's alright. I never said you were." I raised an eyebrow at him.

"It's known as Polaris syndrome. Everyone gets infatuated with me at some point, it's not your fault you can't resist my charms." I mock shrugged. Woah where was this confidence coming from. Maybe I just had a good night's sleep.

"Since when are you charming?" Rick asked hands on his hips.

"Well apparently I'm fun, smart, witty and opinionated." I said listing off the qualities on my fingers grinning at Rick.

"We can add charming to the list too?" Rick's eyes were darting around all over the place. Poor guy. I made him uncomfortable.

"It's okay Rick. I'm only teasing, it's not like we slept together or anything." I said immediately slapping my face.

"Foot in mouth disease. Could you pretend I didn't say that?" I said my cheeks turning red.

"Gladly." Rick said chuckling.

"You have a very obvious tell when you're nervous. Your cheeks flare up." Rick tapped my cheek teasing me.

"Says you. Who gets all flustered." I said scoffing.

"It's okay now. But I used to get very nervous around the opposite gender. Even if I didn't like them, I wasn't like Shane in high school, I was awkward." Rick explained as I shook my head hard at him.

"What?" He asked.

"Awkward around girls. Do you expect me to believe this sob story Mr Grimes? I don't believe it for a second Mr. dreamy blue eyes." I said making Rick laugh.

"I don't have dreamy blue eyes." He said disbelievingly.

"Carol." I called out to the woman walking past. She came up to Rick and looked him in the face.

"Definitely dreamy." She said before walking away making me burst out laughing.

"You have this terrible affliction my friend." I said putting my hand up on his shoulder.

"It's called being attractive." I said.

"You think I'm attractive?" There was a hint of a smile on his face. Oh shit. You idiot why did you say that.

"That's not what I said." I defended.

"Honestly What is it with you men, selective hearing." I joked but he continued to press on the matter.

"Oh no I'm pretty sure I heard you." Rick said not letting the subject go smirking at me.

"Honestly I have no idea what you're talking about." Really Pol? Full denial?

"I think you should get more sleep." I said turning around to walk towards the RV.

"Rest my dreamy eyes?" Rick called out to me.

"You said it." I laughed.

—

"Glenn," I said looking at the man who was pacing nervously outside with binoculars looking at the farmhouse. He jumped when he saw me arrive.

"Uh what are you doing?" I asked the man who looked terrified. Maggie came and dropped a basket of food by Glenn's feet giving him a look as he continued to be nervous.

"Nothin' I'm not doing anything. What are you doing?" He stuttered out eyes darting back and forth. I followed his gaze to the farmhouse then back to him.

"Something going on between you and Maggie? What's wrong?" I asked concerned as he had gone pale.

"Why would you assume something's wrong, everything's great." He chuckled nervously.

"Right." I said narrowing my eyes at him. I went to T-Dog and Dale who threw me a piece of fruit as Glenn walked away.

"What's up with him?" I asked mouth full of food.

"I don't know. He's always been a bit odd." Dale said scratching my head. I walked to where Lori was to thank her for the advice she gave me yesterday when I overheard Glenn talking to her in hushed voices.

"What did Rick say?" Glenn asked her as she leaned down to make the fire bigger.

"You didn't tell him?!" He exclaimed and she shushed him.

"Okay. But you have to. You're pregnant!" Glenn whisper shouted and I dropped the firewood I was carrying making both of them turn around. Holy shit. So that's what she was doing in the field that night. Must've been a pregnancy test.

"You're pregnant?!" I said shocked. Lori glared at Glenn who apologised for telling before he walked away.

"Uh yeah. I don't see how that's any of your business though." Lori said harshly making me take a step back. She closed her eyes and stood up calmly in front of me.

"I'm sorry." She said.

"No it's okay don't worry about it. You should tell Rick! You need food, vitamins, a nice pillow! Here take some of my beef jerky." I handed it to her and she shook her head.

"Honey, I don't want your food, okay? Eat." She stated.

"Lori you need to be looked after. You have a medical condition." She scoffed at my statement before picking up the firewood I left on the floor.

"Glenn could make another run into town for you." I suggested trying to convince her to let somebody look after her.

"Look what I need is for you guys to be quiet about this. All right? Please." She pleaded clasping my hands in her own. I nodded agreeing with her before smiling at her and walking away. Shit. Lori was pregnant. With Rick. They were going to have a child. I need to stop flirting with Rick, I need to stop being so friendly with him. He's going to be a father, he needs to be there for his family.

I walked back towards the tents and saw Daryl leaning on a pillow reading a book.

"Wow, I didn't know you could read." I said coming into the tent with my arms crossed. I sat down in front of him as he closed the book.

"Shocking but this one don't have no pictures." Daryl smirked at me.

"You're looking a lot better, well rested." I said seeing the colour had returned to his face and that he was looking cleaner and less in pain.

"I feel okay now. Hey you promised me food last night but you didn't bring any." He complained.

"Oh, I forgot." I said sheepishly remembering my encounter with Rick. I was acting like a school girl crush that I had completely forgot to bring him a plate.

"Don't worry Carol brought me some." Daryl said and I made a cute face at him making him glare at me.

"You were probably too busy makin' eyes at Rick." Daryl said rolling his eyes as I punched him in the arm.

"Will you shut up?" I said annoyed and he put his hands up.

"I'm going to go see where he is. For the search today." I said patting his arm.

"I'm gonna come." Daryl began sitting up but I shoved him back down to lying position.

"You're going to rest." I ordered leaving his tent. Shane, Rick and Jimmy had the map laid out on the hood of the Cherokee and were making plans for a search party. I came up and joined them as they were discussing which areas to search next.

"Maybe Sophia dropped the doll by the creek and the current brought it downstream." Rick said pointing on the map.

"So you think, she took this road here and then she went north?" Shane asked as Rick nodded turning to Jimmy.

"What's up that way?"

"A housing development." He answered hands in his face.

"Take a run up there after gun practise, after what went down with Daryl, I don't want anyone going out alone, we stay in pairs." Rick said as Glenn came over with the fruit basket looking guilty and it was painfully obvious that he had something to hide. He looked at me eyes wide as I facepalmed he began giving fruit to everyone.

Glenn looked back at Lori who held the big stick up higher and then back to Rick. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him. Glenn handed the binoculars back to Shane then walked off making Rick look at him strangely.

"We'd like to join you for gun training today." I turned around at Beth's sweet voice and Patricia who I felt guilty every time I saw her face.

"Hershel's been very clear. I can't involve any of you in what we do without his okay." Rick squinted biting on his apple. The sun was blinding my face, so I put my hands on Rick's back ever so slightly to block out the harsh light from my eyes. Rick turned around looking at me amused.

"The sun," I pointed up and he chuckled turning back around.

"He doesn't like it. But he consented." Beth said.

"Otis was the one who knew guns." Patricia said making me look down. The Otis guilt I was carrying around with me was getting too hard to bear and I needed to tell someone, to alleviate my conscious slightly.

"No offence but I'll ask Hershel myself." Rick said. Shane was over talking to Carl who was finally out walking around, then he pulled a gun out from his back. What the-

"How the hell did this happen?" Lori said angrily putting the gun into her back pocket with Carl sitting on the bench. I sat by him tapping his shoulder but he shrugged me off feeling upset.

"Well I let him into the RV, he said he wanted a walkie. That you sent him for one." Dale said slowly.

"So on top of everything, he lied. What's he thinking?" Lori said disbelievingly to Carl.

"Carl," I said lowly.

"Buddy why did you take a gun? I asked him gently prodding.

"He wants to learn how to shoot. He asked me to teach him, now its none of my business but I'd be happy to. Your call." Shane said shrugging. Carl was 10 years old. He was way too young to learn how to shoot.

"Well I am not comfortable with it." Lori chuckled shaking her head making Rick look at her.

"Oh don't make me to be the unreasonable one here. Rick?" She said disbelievingly.

"Trust me you're not." I stood up coming into the conversation.

"It's totally your call. But Carl is 10 years old, it is important to defend himself but I think he's way too young." I said.

"I know." Rick said nodding at me then Lori.

"I have my concerns too, but-"

"There's no but he was just shot. He's just back on his feet and he wants a gun?" She put her hands on her hips.

"Better than him being afraid of 'em." Rick said looking at Shane. I bit my lip, it's not my place to say anything.

"There are guns in camp for reason. He should learn to handle them safely." Rick defended trying to prove his point.

"I don't want my kid walkin' around with a gun!" Lori exclaimed.

"How can you defend that? It's for protection." Rick said.

"He's as safe as he'll ever be right here." Lori said firmly.

"We've got to start treating him more like an adult." Rick said looking into Lori's eyes.

"I'm not gonna play with it mom. It's not a toy. I'm sorry I disappointed you, but I want to look for Sophia, I want to defend our camp. I can't do that without a gun." Carl stood up walking towards his present. Kid's got balls. I'll give him that.

"Shane's the best instructor I know." Rick was eye level with Lori who was deep in thought. Lori walked over to Carl and squeezed his chin forcing him to look up her.

"You will take this seriously, and you will behave responsibly. If I hear from anyone this camp you are not living up to our expectations-" She said delivering her ultimatum.

"He won't let you down." Rick interrupted.

"Yeah." Carl nodded looking seriously at his mom. Lori walked away unhappy with Carl leaving with Shane, Carol, Andrea, Beth and Patricia in the cars to go to the gun range. I walked over to Glenn and Dale who were conversing intensely. Lori, Rick and Carl also went to go practise. Hmm, maybe I should've gone with them.

"Finally telling Dale what you've been hiding?" I came out from behind the tree with Glenn looking surprised and worried. I bit down on the apple I was eating as he stopped talking.

"Don't let me stop you," I motioned for him to go on.

"What if somebody told you something, that somebody else should know," Glenn started speaking in riddles.

"Glenn, stop being dramatic, spit it out." Dale said holding the rifle.

"There's walkers in the barn and Lori's pregnant." My mouth hung open in surprise as I stood next to Dale.

"Fuck."

Dale and me decided to go check it out for ourselves. We took a walk down the fields all the way to the farmhouse which had a chain and padlock around it. I held the chain and tried to pull it apart. Who knew how many were in there, we should get rid of them. Dale shook his head at me and we heard the distinct sounds of moans and groans.

"We should open the lock and deal with them." I said quietly making sure no one could see.

"Bad idea." Dale said.

"Why?"

"Hershel's obviously keeping them around for a reason. Whatever sick and twisted reason, I don't know." He said inspecting the barn door.

"Then we should tell Rick and the others." I said putting hands on my hips.

"Not that." Dale said once again.

"Why?" I asked shocked.

"What do you think some people will do in our camp, if they find out?" He asked emphasising on the some.

"You mean Shane." I said slowly.

"You know about him?" I asked bewildered.

"A few weeks ago I caught him pointing his rifle at Rick." Dale said quietly.

"What?!" Dale nodded.

"Shane's dangerous."

"I know." I sighed.

"What do you mean?"

"H-he threatened me. O-on that run for Carl." I said not finding the right words to say.

"Threatened you? How?" I took in a deep breath then started to explain.

"We were not going to make it out of the high school with the medical supplies we needed, and we were down to our last rounds. Injured. A horde of walkers behind us. Shane said, Otis was slowing us down." I started to explain watching as Dale's face showed an expression of shock.

"That if I didn't shoot him, he would hurt Rick and Lori again." I said my legs feeling shaky. A dawn of realisation fell on him.

"You-"

"Yeah. I shot Otis."

I explained shooting Otis in the leg then instantly regretting it but him and Shane tussled on the ground with Shane eventually taking the backpack off him and leaving him to be eaten by the Walkers. Dale stepped away from me looking at me differently.

"You shot him? How, how could you?" Dale asked disbelievingly.

"I truly thought he was going to hurt Rick, especially now after what you've just told me!" I tried to make him see it my way but it wasn't working. I reached out to touch his arm but he moved back.

"Are-are you going to tell the others?" I asked feeling tears fill my eyes.

"I'm gonna go talk to Hershel, about the barn." Dale walked away but I know, he would never feel safe around me again, he would never look at me right again. And who knows if he would tell the others. Feeling utterly helpless. I collapsed down onto the floor and cried with my hands in my face. I don't know how long I stayed there for, but I heard the cars approaching signalling the others had come back from the gun range. I quickly wiped my tears and stood up clearing the grass off my body and walked back up towards the RV. I was consciously aware of my puffy eyes and washed my face with cold water hoping it wouldn't look obvious.

T-Dog was joking with Carl around the fire and Lori was talking to Hershel who was fixing the fence. I went over to them and sat by Carl, ruffling his hair.

"So I hear you shoot like a pro now?" I said as he smiled.

"Dad said I did well. For my age." He nodded and I looked at T-Dog.

"I think he's ready to defend the camp now." T-Dog laughed and I smiled. I let down my hair from being up all day feeling slightly more lightheaded. The breeze washed over me and I took a deep breath trying to stay calm and figure out my best move.

"How come you didn't come Pol?" Carl asked eating a peach.

"Uhm, I don't know. I'll come next time for sure though. I think I'm much better with a knife anyways." I said twirling it between my fingers. I got up off the tree stump we were sitting on and carved Carl's name and my name into the wood.

"See?" I asked him grinning and he smiled.

"Now our names will always be here." I looked up seeing Rick and Lori in a heated conversation trying to keep their voices low. Maybe she told him about the pregnancy. I looked up at them again seeing Rick with his hand on her cheek comforting her. I looked back down. It was clearly a private moment.

Dale was frying up burgers with Carol sorting out the plates.

"Hey, Carol." I waved to her and she smiled walking over to me.

"How was the range?"

"I don't think guns are for me." She said uneasily.

"I'm sure you'll get the hang of it." I patted her shoulder.

"Dale could probably give you a few pointers." I grinned looking at Dale but he simply nodded his head ignoring me. Okay. I deserve that. Lori came over smiling before holding her nose and looking pale walking back out again. I started walking after her before Dale gave me a look following her instead. I sat by the fire defeated. He hates me, sweet old Dale reacted like that. Imagine how the others would react. Lori. Carl. Glenn. Rick. I clutched my stomach feeling a sharp stabbing pain. My lower back started aching and the muscles in my legs started cramping up. Oh no. Please not that. Shit.

"Glenn!" I shouted seeing him get ready to leave for his pharmacy run.

"Could you add pads do your list?" I asked sheepishly feeling slightly embarrassed.

"I guess you guys call them tampons. Feminine hygiene section. Thanks buddy." I gave him a quick hug then ran back to sitting by the fire. I felt another wave of cramps below my stomach and felt someone come and sit by me.

"Hey," I said clutching my stomach and saw Rick clicking his jaw.

"You look like you need to talk," I said to him and he looked at me. He looks pissed. And sad.

"Everything okay?" I asked him.

"I just wanna sit by the fire. Next to a friend. In silence." He said blue eyes looking in the flames. I nodded and sat in silence with him staring into the fire. I wanted to tell him. About Otis. The outbreak and everything.

"You know I don't think I'm doing a good job." Rick said suddenly sighing. I turned slightly to face him as he looked down at me.

"Of leading this camp." He finished.

"You got us out of that quarry. You helped us get to the CDC and here to Hershel's farm. You've helped lead the search for Sophia every single day." I said.

"Don't beat yourself up, you've done a lot." I said looking into the fire.

"The CDC? That was a bust." He chuckled.

"And it's because of me Sophia went missing." He said rubbing a hand in his hair.

"We've all made mistakes Rick, but they're in the past. We just do our best to rectify them." I sighed putting my elbows on my knees.

"What, like your past?" I looked up at him seeing the questioning gaze in his eyes.

"I didn't miss what Shane said back in the woods." He explained.

"Is there something you're not telling me? And there was something about that run you did with Shane and Otis." Rick asked now interrogating me but I remained silent.

"You can trust me." He emphasised.

"What really went down that night?" He asked. It was now or never. He was going to find out eventually.

"Otis." I said holding my breath.

"I shot him." Rick looked completely taken aback and his eyes showed betrayal. He stood up from the tree stump towering over me as I stood up next to him.

"W-what?"

"I shot him." I sighed. I ran through the whole story of our run in at the high school and how we were down to our last rounds, Shane threatened me to do it because we were never going to all make it out and how he said he would kill Rick.

"No." Rick said shaking his head immediately after I finished telling the story.

"I don't believe it." Rick said.

"Which part don't you believe?" I asked shocked that he didn't accept my story.

"My best friend Shane, threatened you saying he would kill me?" Rick asked eyebrows creasing.

"Look you said I could trust you. And I've told you what I know, what happened." I said running a hand back through my hair pacing.

"I know what I've done. I know the way you're looking at me now. Like you can't trust me." I said seeing the look in his eyes as he turned away slightly.

"I'm already beating myself up for it more than you ever could." I stated.

"But Shane. Shane is dangerous."

"You lied to all of us. We told Hershel and we told Patricia that her husband died a hero, but you killed him." Rick said angrily.

"I didn't have a choice! Or I felt like I didn't have a choice." I explained trying to defend my actions.

"You killed a man in cold blood."

"Rick no-"

"Shane, Shane is dangerous!"

"You're dangerous." He stepped back from me walking away leaving me by the fire.

A/N: Please don't kill me :3