Hi again minna-san!

Well, after a little computer incident yesterday night which required the replacement of some parts, here now chapter 3 of my little story...

05.04.2005: Answers to reviews removed, as I learned that FFnet sees the practice as grounds for account deletion. Sorry about that.

DISCLAIMER: Still not mine (although, I would not mind owning a certain grumpy monk, hehe...)

CHAPTER 3

The youkai who had been known as Genjo Sanzo until today ('Kouryuu, my name is Kouryuu again') watched his three companions leave the inn, chatting with each other animatedly. He envied them – their friendship (although at least Goku and Gojyo would never openly admit to being friends with each other), their ability to accept their pasts and let them go.

'Well, I always preached to anyone whining about their past to let it go and look ahead', he thought bitterly. 'Then again, those people usually had something to look forward to – and I have nothing left...'

He had never possessed anything but his title, the name that gave him his dignity and his excuse to let nobody get close to him. Now he was nobody – and that scared him more than any amount of youkai ever had.

'Shit, I don't even have a home anymore...'

He had not had much contact to anyone in the temple, apart from Goku (and Dougan, but he preferred to ban this maniac from his thoughts), but he had still called it home.

No more...

And what was he going to do for a living now?

'It's not like I have any people skills...'

Although he was not opposed to hard work, he simply could not imagine himself cooking, building houses or manning a store as a clerk for the rest of his life.

Hakkai had been a teacher once, and could now make a living using his Ki to heal people. Gojyo had managed to pay the bills as a card shark. And Goku...?

Well, he was as close to a professional parasite as one could get, Kouryuu thought and allowed himself a short, sardonic grin.

'But what can I do, other than play errand boy to the Three Aspects, in robes, with a sutra and a gun?'

'Mercenary' was the first idea that crossed his mind. But then, he discarded the thought as quickly as it had come to him. Selling out to kill random people, never mind who and what they were, was simply not his style.

'And besides', he thought when a new wave of desperation washed over him and the cuffs around his wrists suddenly felt tighter than ever before, 'haven't I trampled my master's ideals enough? He was killed trying to defend me during a youkai attack... and ever since then, I have been the first to fight when a youkai stepped out of line. Did I do it do somehow avenge him? He would not have wanted me to shed blood in his name... now, I went too far, and I will pay the price for the rest of my life. I turned into the very thing I despised so much. I have betrayed my master... and myself.'

The blond man lit a cigarette, hoping that the old habit would soothe his nerves a little. But, as he had half expected, no such luck – on the contrary, the smoke accomplished nothing but to give him a slightly queasy feeling to his stomach.

'No wonder, I have barely eaten anything for the past three days...'

He looked out of the window again. By now, it was rather late at night, yet a lot of people were still walking up and down the main street of the little town – out for a drink and a game of poker in one of the bars, or maybe out to find a companion to warm their bed for the night, as Gojyo so often was.

'You lucky bastards', Kouryuu thought – with much of the old disdain, mixed with a trace of yearning.

'You are born, grow up loved by your parents, learn a profession, find a mate, maybe sire children, grow old and die – and that is all there is to life for you. You will never know restraints, you will most likely never have to worry about anything more than whether your spouse cheats on you or your kids misbehave. I am not much different from you insignificant folks now – but I have seen and done far too much to be content with your kind of life. How can I ever live like you, who have never seen more than their quiet little town?'

The answer came to him immediately:

He couldn't.

This was the end of the road for him.

And if he was honest with himself, had all his smoking, drinking and fighting not been a flirt with death all along?

His limiters felt as though they did not allow his blood to circulate properly anymore; his hands grew cold and clammy.

'Or am I chickening out now?', he wondered, slightly disgusted with his involuntary reaction as he searched his travelling bag for one specific item, his resolution firmly in mind.

Finally, he found what he had been looking for: the blade he usually used to shave in the morning. Moonlight falling on it from outside made it gleam in the darkness of the room.

It took him a while to accomplish his objective; the limiters had been placed over the area where his veins were most vulnerable, closest to the surface of his skin. But that did not stop him; he kept sawing away at his lower arm until a spurt of blood with each of his heartbeats told him that he had found what he had been searching for. The pain was exquisite, exhilarating...

He stopped, watching the red liquid in awe, and when he finally decided to go and subject his other arm to the same procedure, his vision already began to blur.He tried to make it over to the bed, but did not manage to get there; his knees buckled under him, and he fell to the ground.

'What does it matter?', he thought, and an amused smile, so unlike the disdainful little one he tended to give worshippers or the wolfish one reserved for his enemies, appeared on his lips.

'It's over, and nobody will care where in the room I drew my last breath. Hopefully... my next life... will work out better... than this one...'

His vision had dimmed more and more; any movement was impossible now.

'Goku... Gojyo... Hakkai... I'm sorry...'

Those were his last thoughts before he finally succumbed to the dark nothingness waiting to claim him.

There you go, Chapter 3... Muahahahaharrr! And now I will not write anything for a month...!

Just kidding, new chapter is likely to follow very soon, maybe already tomorrow... until then, please leave me a comment or two!