A/N: Zomg, it's been a while Oo Sorry about that. I just got back to school so I've been amazingly busy. Anyway, thanks again to all who reviewed, (it makes me a happy person!), and hope you like the second to last chapter. (omg!)

Disclaimer: How many times do I have to say it?? I don't own it!

Warning: Slight yaoi and swearing, but what's new?

Chapter Eight

"You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I'll think clearer.

Goodness knows I saw it coming,
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words.

What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time."

- Chocolate by Snow Patrol

Sanzo awoke the next morning quite alone. He frowned in his drowsiness and felt the spot where Gojyo had been lying when he had fallen asleep, but it was cold. Wondering where the kappa could have run off to—not that it bothered him or anything, he was just expecting to have his face shoved into the monk's when he woke up—he sat up to look around the room, stopping immediately when a sharp pain ran through him.

"Shit, shit, shit," he growled from between gritted teeth, mentally cursing the idiot who had put him in this position and slowly trying to turn around, adjusting to the soreness in his lower back. Gojyo was nowhere in the room, and the other bed did not look slept in at all. Sanzo frowned and resigned himself to get up, plotting the kappa's murder with every move he made. Gojyo hadn't told him about this part of . . . of . . . well, whatever the hell it had been. Sanzo paused in the middle of putting his clothes back on and wondered at that, images of last night coming back to him in a rush. He felt his face heat up and put his clothes on with more force, wondering why he had consented in the first place. He said it before: he didn't have anything to waste on the damn water sprite, so he should just stop trying. But Gojyo, persistent as he was, couldn't stop tormenting Sanzo, it seemed.

No matter how good those new physical sensations had been, presenting a new sort of release that he didn't think possible, he couldn't help but remember that at one point he had been thirteen again, had been there again. He had had that sick, anxious feeling in his stomach as those men leered down at him, grabbing him and trying to force him into something he had barely any knowledge of. But he had put an end to it with his gun—the first time he had to use it—leaving his body in tact while his mentality crumbled. Gojyo, however, had sensed his alarm, had tuned into his new vulnerability, and had soothed him. Soothed him! Just that simple touch on his face, on his hair, and he was back in the kappa's arms, drowning in unexpected bliss. And Gojyo had been happy for it. He had gotten what he wanted, in the end.

And since he had gotten what he wanted—a romp between the sheets with the seemingly unattainable monk—he had left, probably out to find his next victim. He felt sorry for them, whoever they were.

But that thought made his mouth taste sour. He dismissed it as the taste Gojyo had left there and went to brush his teeth before taking a quick shower, wondering what time it was. He was usually the first one up among the group—except for Hakkai sometimes—so he figured that everyone else was still asleep. Save for Gojyo, who was probably in the arms of some whore at this moment.

When he entered the inn's main room, however, he was thoroughly surprised to see all three of the youkai who travelled with him assembled at a table in a corner, apparently waiting for their breakfast to show up. He joined them warily, throwing Gojyo a silent question. But the damned kappa wouldn't meet his eyes for some reason, and that managed to piss him off all the more.

"Oh, you're finally up," Hakkai said when he noticed Sanzo standing there. "We were waiting for you, but I'm afraid Goku just couldn't wait any longer for breakfast. I ordered some tea and rice for you."

Sanzo mumbled a thanks and turned to the saru. "You're better already? I thought food poisoning took a while to get over."

Hakkai laughed a little. "It appears out Goku has quite the constitution. I also gave him some medicine that helped it along."

"Yup, all better and starving!" Goku exclaimed, looking up at Sanzo with his usual wide-eyed expression. "Aren't you gonna sit down, Sanzo?"

"Ah—yeah." Sanzo pulled the chair out and sat down carefully, trying not to wince in front of everyone. He thought he could feel crimson eyes on him and looked up sharply only to find Gojyo jerking his head away, tapping his fingernails idly on the wooden surface of the table. Sanzo scowled at him and was about to direct some sort of insult his way when their food appeared, Goku crowing his delight at the different dishes and digging in greedily. Sanzo shook his head at his lack of manners but decided not to thwack him with the harisen in case the monkey started choking. He picked at his own bowl of rice and glanced up again, Gojyo only looking down at his food and moving it around his plate. Hakkai turned to him and asked why he wasn't eating, but Gojyo gave him a quick smile and popped some food into his mouth, chewing slowly.

Hakkai looked from him to Sanzo, then back to his friend with a considering look. Sanzo didn't like it at all and directed his gaze elsewhere, trying to get annoying thoughts of a certain redheaded kappa out of his head. Why was he acting this way, all of a sudden? It was just like the time after Gojyo had touched his hair after coming back drunk to the inn. He had thought the man would be grinning and flirting like an idiot, acting all proud of his latest accomplishment or something. Because he was only Gojyo's prize, wasn't he? Some untouched treasure that the kappa had wanted to lay his hands on before anyone else. But that's all there was to it; it was something that would only happen once, and it was past. Sanzo decided just to keep it out of mind and returned to his meal, if it could even be described as such.

This was just all so stupid.

Days passed and still Gojyo refused to look him in the eyes. He would talk to him, but every word was directed to the air in front of him or to Sanzo's chest or forehead, never straight at him. Sanzo found this one of the most irritating things in the world and he didn't quite know why. He acted normally around Goku and Hakkai, even though the latter suspected that something was strange about his best friend; but even though they still flew insulting words at one another, there was something off.

Sanzo had had sex with the man. Sure, he could admit it, even though every time he recalled that night something would stir at those thoughts and he immediately had to squash them before anyone could notice. So it had been his first time, whatever . . . It certainly hadn't been Gojyo's, he knew that much. So then why was he acting like such a child? Was he embarrassed? Shy? Sanzo couldn't tell with these things, so he let Gojyo act this way, even though he couldn't stand it.

He considered confronting Gojyo about the whole thing, but he knew he wouldn't be able to handle it. He was so awkward when it came to these things anyway; it would be better just to let time take care of it. But a week passed, and then another, and still those infuriating crimson eyes would not meet his. Sanzo wanted to blow a bullet through the kappa's head and be done with it. He should have done that long ago, he realized.

He almost ordered Hakkai to go talk to him, but then that would have put certain issues to light that he really didn't want the other man knowing. He couldn't talk to Goku about it; that would make him fire a bullet into his own head. No, the saru could never know . . . But still, he couldn't help but feeling a little cast-off, not quite knowing what to think.

It aggravated him to no end that Gojyo inhabited his nearly every thought.

He woke up one night covered in sweat and having a half-formed problem between his legs, realizing that he had been dreaming about that night again. He swore and tried to ignore it, but everything was just too painful. His constant isolation, his confusion, and those words of Gojyo's still ringing in his head: I think I wanna change that. Idiot. The reason why he didn't get close to anyone was because it was too much of a hassle for him. He never wanted to relive that night when his master had lost his life, never wanted to feel that horrible, sinking feeling of loss and helplessness. It was too much.

And he certainly wouldn't let someone like Gojyo get the better of him.

Gojyo listened to the monkey's loud, reverberating snores and sighed. He knew he was pissing Sanzo off by not looking at him, but he couldn't help it. Ever since that night he felt constantly shrouded in some veil that cut him off from the others. He had felt pure joy at having Sanzo in his arms all night, but that emotion was coupled with loss, with rejection and desolation. It would be the only time he would be able to do this, the only time he could show Sanzo how much he loved him. That still startled him a little: that he could possibly love such a bitchy, bratty monk seemed like a joke, but he knew it was the truth. But Gojyo seemed to take in all of those flaws as well as the beauty, accepting him in that strange way that people who are so far in love are prone to do.

He could not meet his eyes because he was afraid of what would happen when Sanzo saw the emotion there. When he locked onto those droopy, violet eyes, he knew he was unable to hide his overwhelming desire to simply hold the blond man to him and never let go. And he also knew that it would scare the shit out of Sanzo if he saw it. They had only one night together, and that was it. Sanzo wasn't looking for anything intimate. He would refuse it in a heartbeat.

Rolling onto his side, he cast Goku an annoyed look that the sleeping boy could not see and let loose another long sigh. Hakkai was all worried again, too. He had exchanged a few words with him, but did not delve into anything too deep, still keeping his friend in the dark and feeling guilty because of it. But he could sense that Hakkai knew what had happened between him and Sanzo, which made him feel uncomfortable and awkward, but he supposed if the healer would not say anything out loud to him about it, then it would remain unspoken.

This was unbearable. Gojyo had never thought that he could feel such a burning desire for someone that it literally hurt him inside and out. He had to clamp his fingers down on his arm to prevent him from reaching out to stroke that shining hair, pressing hard enough to leave a multitude of bruises that Goku asked about when he tossed off his coat. The monkey was even beginning to sense that something was wrong again, flitting his eyes between Gojyo and Sanzo and trying to work it all out in his head.

Gojyo could feel burning amethyst on him sometimes, forcing himself not to look up and meet them. He wanted to respect Sanzo's wish and therefore stayed away, no matter how much it hurt him. He had tried to press his love on someone before, after all, and that had not turned out nicely at all.

He closed his eyes and replayed that night in his mind. There had been a moment between them when they had been close, when both their eyes had connected, unspoken emotions passing through them at the look and taking over their bodies. He wasn't sure if Sanzo had picked up on it, but Gojyo had never felt such a thing before in his life, and he never would again.

Finally losing his temper, Gojyo threw a pillow over at Goku, attempting to put a stop to his infernal snoring.

Sanzo grumbled under his breath as he fumbled through his robes, hoping he had an extra packet of cigarettes on him and coming up short. Letting out expletives left and right, he paused when he saw a blue and white carton being handed to him, the owner looking away with red hair hiding his face. Sanzo hesitated before taking out a Hi-Lite—no matter how much he hated Gojyo's brand, he needed something—and muttered a thanks to him before lighting up. Gojyo followed his example, the both of them standing a ways out from their camp for the night, Hakkai seeing to making some dinner while Goku ran about looking for more firewood.

"Awkward silence" was too light a term to describe the blanket of unease around the two of them. Sanzo glanced over at the kappa, noting his crimson eyes staring out blankly ahead of him, before focusing on the shitty cigarette in his fingers. He could feel himself start to tremble with suppressed rage.

"Why the fuck won't you look at me?" he finally managed to get out, tapping the white stick so that the ash fell to the ground.

Gojyo took his time answering. He took a deep drag and let the smoke stay in his lungs for a moment before exhaling. "I don't know what you mean."

Sanzo felt the last vestiges of his control slip away. "Fuck that, you know exactly what I mean, you half-breed bastard. So we fucked, big deal. That was what you wanted, wasn't it? To get what you wanted from me and then be on your whorish way?"

He saw the other man wince slightly, but not so much as a smirk of victory crossed his lips. He knew it was no victory.

"We 'fucked', huh?" Another slow drag. "Yeah, I suppose we did. And yeah, I guess that is what I wanted. But it's like you said, Sanzo-sama . . . you have nothing to waste on the likes of me. I'm not going to waste my time chasing you when you obviously could care less."

Sanzo could not think of anything to say for a good while. What the hell was that supposed to mean? That wasn't the response of someone who was just in it for the sex. Was it? Fuck, he didn't know anything. He didn't know this alien feeling that coiled around him and threatened to choke him.

"And why would you 'chase' me, erogappa?" he said softly, dangerously. "Decided that once wasn't enough?"

Gojyo laughed mirthlessly. "Something like that, I suppose."

He snapped. In a sudden fury that he could not describe, Sanzo grabbed the front of Gojyo's shirt and rammed him up against the nearest tree, his teeth bared.

"You fucker, just what the fuck do you want from me? I gave you everything you wanted, didn't I? You said you wanted to show me something, and you showed it to me. Both of us should be over this already!" His breathing was labored. "So why are you doing this?" Why am I still thinking about it?

For the first time in weeks, Gojyo lifted his eyes to meet his, and Sanzo very nearly gasped at the fire in them, although it was not out of anger. It was that emotion again, the same one he had in those ruby irises when they had looked at each other that night, the one that had taken over Sanzo's body and made him close his eyes to try and escape it. But now he could not look away; there was something screaming at him from that look, something trying to worm itself into him without touching him, and it scared him. It scared him.

"What the fuck are you playing at?" he asked shakily. Gojyo only continued to stare at him, letting his eyes answer for him instead of words. Sanzo pushed him back into the tree again. "Stop it! Fucking stop it!"

Gojyo finally lowered his gaze, a small smile that held no amusement spreading on his face. Without quite knowing why, Sanzo forcefully pressed them against his own, the kiss brutal and savage, Gojyo unmoving against him. There were teeth and gums and an aggressive tongue trying to claim anything it came in contact with. After a good minute of this treatment he broke away with a growl.

"That's all you want, isn't it? Isn't it?" His hands tightened in Gojyo's shirt. "Fucking answer me! Gojyo!"

But the red-head would still not answer him. Carefully he removed Sanzo's hands from his shirt, gently pushing the monk back so that he could walk back to the camp, his eyes hidden again. Sanzo could only stand there and glare at his retreating back, his shoulders shaking in a tirade of emotions that he would not have liked to explore in that moment. He stomped out the forgotten cigarette still smoldering on the ground and tried not to think that now his mouth tasted completely of Gojyo.

It was inevitable: when they rode in Jeep, it was a sure thing that youkai would find them and attack, and today was no exception. They all leapt out to let Jeep transform and get away from the battle so that he wouldn't get hurt, each of them getting out their weapons and ready for the fight.

Sanzo let two bullets fly, both hitting their mark and taking down a couple of the maddened youkai. He glimpsed a blast of Hakkai's chi out of the corner of his eye and saw Goku running past, jumping up into the air to deliver a fatal swing of his Nyoi-bo. Sanzo couldn't see Gojyo anywhere. He quickly turned, just to see where he had gone to, when he felt someone grab his right arm, twisting it around his back in a painful lock. His gun clattered uselessly to the ground and he tried to maneuver around to kick the youkai that held him, but the pointy-eared demon only laughed gruffly and called over to his friend nearby.

"I have a helpless little monk over here! What do you think we should do to 'im?"

The other youkai grinned and tightened his hold on a crude sword that was in his hands. "Bloody him up, I think!"

Sanzo swore but couldn't move without risk of breaking his arm. He started to chant, wondering if he could use the Makai Tenjou before the other youkai could get to him—but he was already too close—

A spray of blood flew in front of his eyes, and it took a minute to realize that it wasn't his. He blinked and saw scarlet red hair in front of him, a bloody hand holding his crescent-moon blade that had sliced through the other demon. Gojyo turned to him and, for the second time, met his eyes with a small, shaky smile. That was when Sanzo saw the gash in Gojyo's chest and his eyes widened when the other man fell to the ground, blood flowing freely.

With a strangled roar Sanzo somehow managed to shake himself from the youkai's slackened grip and punched him square in the nose, taking him down. He scrambled for his gun and shot him once, twice, three times until his entire round was fired off, but he still pulled the trigger, hoping he had miscounted and that there were more bullets to fill this sack of crap with.

"—zo! Sanzo!" Goku grabbed the gun from him and shook him a little. "Sanzo, calm down!"

He stared blankly at Goku for a moment before turning towards Gojyo, Hakkai kneeling over him with a pale face. A golden-green glow surrounded the redhead as Hakkai tried to close the wound, Goku asking him fearfully if Gojyo was going to be okay. Sanzo could only watch, could only breathe, could only wait until he had an answer. He was shaking violently, and before he knew it he was on his knees, Goku right there beside him, worrying like always. But the only thing Sanzo could see was an image of his master before him, blood flying in every direction, replaced with a head of crimson that matched the color seeping on the ground towards him.